Communicating Your Stories: Tips for Writing Powerful UC Application Essays

Rebecca Joseph, PhD

rjoseph@calstatela.eduwww.getmetocollege.org

@GETMETOCOLLEGE

iPhone/Google app-All College Application Essays

How Important Are Personal Statements?

What do American colleges look for?1. Grades2. Rigor of Coursework, School3. Test Scores4. Essays/Personal Statements*5. Recommendations-Teacher and/or Counselor6. Activities-Consistency, development,

leadership, and initiative7. Special skills, culture, connections, talents,

and passions

How Important Are The UC Essays?

• The top UC campuses admit 20 to 30% of applicants. They receive thousands and thousands of applications from talented, capable students.

• They use 14 measures to evaluate your application. Most you have already completed and cannot change.

• One thing you can still do is to write two effective essays.• Essays alone will not get you admitted to a UC. Yet, the

essays can help you become three dimensional to UC readers who seek ways to differentiate students. They are also looking for ways to honor diversity of experiences and leadership, impact, and initiative.

The Power and Danger of Essays

1. Give me two reasons why admissions officers value college application personal statements.

2. Give me two reasons why they often dread reading the majority of them.

UC Personal Statement Advice

Your personal statement should be exactly that — personal. This is your opportunity to tell us about yourself — your hopes, ambitions, life experiences, inspirations. We encourage you to take your time on this assignment. Be open. Be reflective. Find your individual voice and express it honestly.

Core Essays-The UCs Two essays Respond to both prompts, using a maximum of

1,000 words total. You may allocate the word count as you wish. If you

choose to respond to one prompt at greater length, we suggest your shorter answer be no less than 250 words.

You will get cut off after 1000 words so you must be acutely aware of length.

The Two Prompts Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)-[Outside-In] Describe the world you come from – for example, your family,

community or school – and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Prompt #2 (all applicants) [Inside-Out] Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment,

contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are.

Other Places For Information

Additional Information—another 500 words and also additional info about academic history

Activities- You get to put in several activities160 word descriptions per activity Community Service Non A-G Classes Extracurricular Activities Special Programs Honors

Where to Begin: Core Qualities

What core qualities do you have to offer the UCs? Brainstorm-:

1. List your major activities, academic strengths, talents, and personality strengths.

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2. List three aspects of your culture, family, religion, school or community group, you can connect to one or two of your activities.

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3. Come up with at least five adjectives to describe what you offer a UC. Examples…empathetic, resilient, determined, collaborative, creative, insightful, analytic, etc. Connect them to your lists above.

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Essays=Opportunity

ShareReflectStand Out

Ultimately…admissions officers want to know your…

Impact Initiative

Model Essays

As we read the model essays, I want you o to see how the pieces complement each other,o to identify the core qualities each student offers a

college, ando to note the active writing and details the students

use

David and Florisel

DAVID UC 1Since I was an eight year old boy having to grow up in a dysfunctional broken household due to my parents’ divorce, I was torn apart from my brother and father. Life for me eventually became difficult, and happiness became a second responsibility. I felt that I was confined to myself and forced at a young age to grow up fast and care for my mother. Living in an inner-city environment in East Los Angeles, bouncing from house to house, I had to rely on myself to cook, clean and wash clothes due to my mom working sixty hours a week, while attending night school to keep her job.

Since responsibility came a lot sooner for me then most of my peers, I felt lonely, yet mature for my age. Bouncing around from my father to grandmothers to and mothers was draining. I soon found my outlet and made school my second home. As I became active on campus, I joined leadership to able to make a change in my new home. I became the ASB Chief of Staff, and being in leadership I found my family, with my peers we are able to calibrate, plan and organize events for the student body. I wanted to make my school a better placed, went to meetings, leadership summits, but most of all it transformed education in a new way which that can be proactive. I became a member of the School site council and currently hold a position as parliamentarian. With this position my voice matters, I can assist in making my home a better place. From this I have learned that I adapt, improvise and overcome, and while I may not be able to control the situation, I can control the outcome and see the light at the end of the road.

Being the first generation in my family to attend a four year university, I hear alot of negative criticism, like failure is all what I am going to obtain from this life experience. I live in an apartment a on a cul-de-sac, and I am not going to live my life in a dead end. I save my lunch money that I receive from my mom to pay for my expensive like books and college application fees. I do not want to limit myself, and I am applying to extra schools so I have more of an opportunity. Living live with pain and suffering makes a stronger person and inspires me to accomplish goals and kick doors down. I want to be the first ever in the Belis family to be called Dr. Belis and obtain a PHD in Political Science. I am really passionate about pursuing a future that I myself cannot foresee. Education is just the beginning of a new life, world and a set of new eyes.

DAVID UC 2The summer of my sophomore year I was selected out of 280 students by Upward Bound to attend a National Student Leadership Congress Conference in Washington DC. During the conference I participated in many workshops and learned that just because we come from different cultures or a person is gay or lesbian you should not treat him or her differently or block him out. We are all different and have different ideas but what we all have one thing in common, change.

Being given the keys of how to approach a problem and make change, I decided to focus on one injustice at my school. Entering my junior year many parents were given $60 tickets for dropping off students at Wilson High School because there was no proper location drop-off zone.. I was determined to make a change to my school standing up for parents and create a formal passenger loading zone at my school.

I first contacted a Los Angeles Community Safety Representative in charge of my district and told him how badly Wilson needed a passenger loading zone. Taking it a step further, I took the initiative to contact my Councilmember Jose Huizar and had a lengthy discussion with him about the situation. We met one on one; he encouraged me to continue being involved in improving my community. I initially did not get far in gaining any grounds with the passenger loading zone due to the bureaucracy and my age.

I also felt the need to take a proactive approach, so I contacted our school superintendent, explained and discussed how we can go about gaining a permit or the city’s permission. I quickly learned the process was a big a run around, at this point I was at the verge of breaking down, but I knew it was up to me. I had to prove to myself and these elected officials that failure was not an option, so I took the initiative to request an investigation through the City of Los Angeles. I was instructed to write a proposal and start a petition. From start to finish, after numerous phone calls, petitions, and meetings, it took approximately 10 months to finally install a Passenger Loading Zone.

Fighting for justice, equality, and opportunity for a safe way to get to school has inspired me to enter the world of politics. Establishing networks to communicate well with others to accomplish in obtaining the loading zone has empowered me to seek change in my community. When I have an objective in mind, I stay focused until I can see it through and keep in mind that at the university level obstacles will be more complicated. Reflecting back I have learned about myself that I am passionate, determined, and have the dedication to make change. I am who I want to be. I have accepted the past and realized that there are specific things I cannot control. A lot of doors were shut in my face and numerous run arounds due to my age. But that did not discourage me bur rather just drove me to want to obtain the loading zone because I knew it was unjust.

Florisel-UC 1“Sorry I can’t take you in,” was the response that a teacher gave me when I tried to add her Honors English class. I started my sophomore year at James A. Garfield High School with a rejection. The structure of the school did not allow me to take Advanced Placement World History and have Honors English at the same time. Rather than accept a lower level class, I went to my academy coordinator, Mr. Buchman, who after seeing my high 9 th grade transcript, offered me an amazing opportunity to take both classes. I was the only student at my high school to take an independent Honors English class. Mr. Buchman gave me the individualized attention that helped me change my perspective of education and broaden my academic and personal decisions and goals.

The individualized learning experience I received was beneficial to my academic achievements. I am tremendously grateful to him because he allowed me to take both courses and challenged me to become a better and insightful writer. My writing skills improved dramatically, and it was evident when I reread the essays I wrote in the beginning of the class to the rhetorical analysis papers I write now. Since then, I have taken every honors and AP course possible for me to take.

Moreover, my relationship with Mr. Buchman allowed me to become more involved at my school. At the end of 10 th grade, he asked me to serve as the only student on the principal hiring committee for the first high school built in East Los Angeles in the last 82 years, Esteban Torres High School. During my work in helping to staff the school I now attend, I saw the passion the teachers possessed. Through that interaction I was ensured that my fellow students had the adequate administrative support. This is what motivated me to make one of the most significant decisions of my life--switching schools. I went from having no independence at my previous school to having an independence that meant I had the power to make a change not only for myself but for my community too.

I will be a part of the first graduating class of 2012 from the East Los Angeles Renaissance Academy. Thanks to this transition, I continue to help shape my new school and myself. I am now able to make conscious decisions about my future; I welcome change with open arms, as it will help me define who I am and what I can achieve.

Florisel- UC 2The rain felt like needles pricking at my skin, causing me to wish I could have had an extra layer of clothing. But what could have an extra layer of clothing done? Not much since further ahead it would have been damped and heavy. I always wished for marathons to be on cloudy and rainy days so the heat wouldn’t cause the runs to be harder. A year ago during the LA Marathon, I got more than I wished for. It poured heavily.

But this time, I wasn’t running for myself; I was running with the five middle school students I had trained for the past eight months. I started off the race running alongside the coach and a student who wanted to be sure she would have a good pace to finish. Surprisingly, by the second mile, she had already started to speed up, and I asked her if she would like to run ahead. The enthusiastic look in her eyes shone through like a ray of light; she was hopeful that by running ahead she could beat the time people expected of her. As both of us continued on towards the fourth mile, the rain became heavier and the chilly wind grew fierce. The only way we could try to battle the cold and try to keep our bodies warm was to run faster and longer.

Little by little we managed to run the magnificent “From the Stadium to the Sea” course. It was my fourth time running the L.A. Marathon and second time running the course. To my benefit and disgrace knowing the path helped and hurt me--I knew how far we were from the finish line, the hills, streets, and places. That made the temptation to stop when I felt sleepy and exhausted great just like the temptation to run ahead when I had energy, but I was aware that my partner was going to need help and encouragement in those last and arduous miles. With her I was able to give back the support I received in my first marathon, and deep inside I was grateful for the opportunity.

Florisel- UC 2 continued

As we headed to Rodeo Drive a sudden rush of energy came over me. The view of the stores and their elegance made me remember that the marathon represented my struggle to achieve a better life for myself and the people I loved. I remembered that I had my family standing in the cold and harsh rain trying to stay dry under the umbrellas whose flaps were weak against that ocean wind.

Remembering all this carried me through when I hit the wall on mile 22. The energy I had felt before was leaving my grasp. I felt that that was as far as I could go. My partner had become exhausted and our walking pace had become slower. We had met three other students who were struggling to continue, one of them was starting to get the chills, while another had cramps; it was at that moment that my real fear began. I was scared that they might collapse and that I wouldn’t be able to help them. All I could think of was to accommodate the pace to their needs without letting them give up on running at least a little.

All five of us completed the 2011 Los Angeles Marathon on the rainiest and coldest day we ever experienced. My greatest accomplishment was to help students achieve the goals they thought impossible to complete. I learned that I have the strength and character to accomplish and succeed, and that though the road may not be easy, it is possible.

Florisel- Extra Essay Fast food restaurants have become a part of my memory of East L.A. I never noticed that every block I walked by

had at least one liquor store. Moms buying chips for their children as prizes for good grades or as ways to quiet them so they wouldn’t annoy people with their cries are a common sight of my community. Liquor stores represent the many obstacles Latino families have in order to achieve a better life. The irony behind their arduous struggle to cross borders and give their families a better life is hampered when the indecent and poor availability of fresh food damages their health and leads to the generalization that Latinos are vulnerable to cardiovascular diseases.

My internship last summer with UCLA Center for Population Health and Health Disparities gave me the chance to change those statistics. In the morning I would plan promotion and use social marketing skills. What I did in the afternoons surprised my dad. I along with other students broke concrete on the hottest days of July and August, sweating and getting sored from using hand tools. We broke hard cement without any damaging technology. I was transforming one of the horrible liquor stores into a store that would offer fresh fruits and vegetables and now is also offering exotic fruits and spices. Within a few weeks, I began to see how our actions can make small, yet important changes in our community.

My participation with my internship has inspired me to become a nutritionist and work with children. I am a strong believer that any child deserves a healthy life. Majoring in public health and medicine will be a good academic fit for me, because they embody all my passions. I have worked in the social justice side of health and would be grateful to intertwine studies of community health and biological sciences. Majoring in public health and medicine would water my thirst for learning in interdisciplinary ways through the combination of biological and anthropology classes concerning the question how economic status affects reproduction and health of infants. The major will let me have the liberal arts education I love and the science side I need to master.

After I graduate I will come back to my community to continue the progress my friends and I have made. I know that a child’s health is in the best interest of any one which is why I have no doubt in my mind that in a couple of years my community’s cardiovascular health diseases will lower and the sight of more fresh food choices will be available.

IntoThrough and BeyondInto

It’s the way the reader can lead the reader into the piece—images, examples, context. Always uses active language: power verbs, crisp adjectives, specific nouns.

Through

What happened…quickly…yet clearly with weaving of story and personal analysis Specific focus on the student Great summarizing, details, and images at same time

Beyond

Ending that evokes key characteristics Conveys moral Answers ending prompts of two UC essays

UC 1”and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.” UC 2 “What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person

you are”

Into, Through, and Beyond Essay Approach

It is not just the story that counts.

It’s the choice of qualities a student wants the college to know about herself

Into Brainstorm: 1. Into—Think of a story, an incident, a specific to

grab our attention

Bring me in…Start as specifically as you can. Stories are great ways to start or really specific summaries or incidents. There can be a before and an after to the story. Chose a story that reveals something unusual and yet something key about your personality. This story must connect to the point of your essay UC #1--Connect to your place in world UC #2--Connect to your experience with activity or work or talent

Through #1

Through—Tell the entire context Through #1- this particular story

What, where, when, why? How long? What different components? What development and leadership through time?

Through #2

Through #2- your overall experience with this skill, experience, or context

How does this story and these qualities connect to who you are in the rest of your life? What qualities does it reveal about you? What connections to other activities and experiences?

Beyond Beyond—Describe very concretely and in master sentences how

this story and this context Have strengthened your life Connect to your present and your future

Where does this experience lead you? What does it reveal about you are? What does it reveal about who you want to be? You can add a clever ending if one occurs to you. UC #1 Circle back to your world and goals.. UC #2 Circle back to your talents.

Final Thoughts Students often need weeks not days to write effective essays. Do not make excuses or blame others. If you need to explain a low grade or

struggle, use the additional information section. Save these essays as you can use them in your other applications. Use the activities sections to provide more information about your leadership,

initiative, and community and work involvement. Essays cannot be manufactured. They convey truth, unique stories, and writing

skills. Admissions officers can smell “enhanced” essays. Students have two to five minutes to grab the attention of a essay reader. Many great websites and examples are out there but each student is different. Admissions officers often say essays make or break an ultimate decision.

Final Thoughts II Tip 1. College essays are fourth in importance behind grades, test scores, and the rigor of completed

coursework in many admissions office decisions (NACAC, 2009). Don't waste this powerful opportunity to share your voice and express who you really are to colleges. Great life stories make you jump off the page and into your match colleges.

Tip 2. Develop an overall strategic essay writing plan. College essays should work together to help you communicate key qualities and stories not available anywhere else in your application.

Tip 3. Keep a chart of all essays required by each college, including short responses and optional essays. View each essay or short response as a chance to tell a new story and to share your core qualities.

Tip 4. Look for patterns between colleges essay requirements so that you can find ways to use essays more than once. This holds true for scholarship essays.

Tip 5. Plan to share positive messages and powerful outcomes. You can start with life or family challenges. You can describe obstacles you have overcome. You can reflect on your growth and development, including accomplishments and service. College admissions officers do not read minds, so tell them your powerful life stories.

Tip 6. Always write in the first person. Remember, these are autobiographical essays, even when you talk about other people. Remember the colleges are looking to accept you, not your relatives. So use the one third and two thirds rule. If you choose to write about someone or something else, you must show how it affected you for the majority of the essay. Your essays show colleges why you belong on college campuses and share how you will enrich diverse communities.

Tip 7. Follow Dr. Joseph’s Into, Through, and Beyond approach. Lead the reader INTO your story with a powerful beginning—a story, an experience. Take them THROUGH your story with the context and keys parts of your story. End with the BEYOND message about how this story has affected you are now and who you want to be in college and potentially after college.

Tip 8. Use active writing: avoid passive sentences and incorporate power verbs. Show when possible; tell when summarizing.

Tip 9. Have trusted inside and impartial outside readers read your essays. Make sure you have no spelling or grammatical errors.

Tip 10. Most importantly, make yourself come alive throughout this process. Write about yourself as passionately and powerfully as possible. Be proud of your life and accomplishments. Sell yourself!!!

Final Thoughts III- Brainstorming Tips Ten Tips for Brainstorming Great Personal Statement Topics

1. Write your resume. Include everything you can from high school. Categorize your activities, community service, work, internships, athletics, arts, and more. Include descriptions of your leadership and initiative. Maybe in writing the resume you will remember some key event or story that will turn into a great application essay. See my 10 tips for writing great college resumes at http://getmetocollege.org/hs/application-essay-tips/resume-building-and-writing-tips.

2. Start first with three short activity paragraphs. In writing them, make them as interesting and exciting as possible. Start with a story. Keep them to 1000 characters. Maybe one of these can turn into a long. Shorts are easier to throw away than longs and very useful for the Common Application and supplemental essays. None will ever go to waste.

3. Write a list of your most quirky features. I love Stanford and BU’s supplemental Letter to Your Future Roommate. These letters are often so much more interesting than the other essays. Makshya wrote about her fetish for making lists and provided her list. Every item from her list could turn into a great essay starter. Samples from her list include: “I have the ability to create and develop different fonts in my handwriting” and “One of my favorite words is “ubuntu,” which means humanity in Xhosa.” Start with a list of what makes you, you. Make that will spark an essay topic.

4. Look at sample essays posted on actual college websites. Connecticut College (www.conncoll.edu/admission/essays-that-worked.htm) offers great samples. Johns Hopkins (http://apply.jhu.edu/apply/essays.html) even provides admissions officers’ feedback after each sample essay. Reading these, you can see the huge range of topics. At least, you can see how they all begin with an amazing in the moment first paragraph. You can do the same.

5. Read George Lyon’s “Where I’m From” Poem. http://www.georgeellalyon.com/where.html. Think of where you are from. Read the poem to get ideas to write your own and start an amazing essay.

Final Thoughts III-More Brainstorming Tips6. Read past and present supplemental essay topics from other colleges. The University of Chicago has great

supplementary essay topics every year. A couple of years ago, one topic was: “It Isn’t Easy Being Green” by Kermit the Frog. That turned into a great long essay for several kids I know who never applied to U Chicago. This year’s topics are great as well. Go to https://collegeadmissions.uchicago.edu/apply/essays/ and read the topics. Tufts also has great prompts athttp://admissions.tufts.edu/apply/essay-questions/. Perhaps one of these topics will spark an idea.

7. Read sample essays from older kids at your school. But don’t copy. Just get ideas. You need to truly match your writing and style to the level of school. Admissions officers are begging for gripping, non-general stories. Give them a gift.

8. Follow Dr. J’s Into, Through, & Beyond Approach. Your essay needs to grab readers from the first word. You are competing for the fleeting attention of admissions officers who have dozens if  not hundreds or thousands of essays and files to process. So don't waste their precious time and tell them a story that no one else can tell. That will help you get admitted to the match college of your choice. So follow my three pronged approach.

INTO: With your INTO, grab us into the story with a moment in time. That moment must reveal a core quality. The INTO can be a sentence, paragraph, or series of paragraphs.

THROUGH: Then go into two levels of THROUGH.

THROUGH 1 provides the immediate context of the INTO.

THROUGH 2 provides the overall context.

BEYOND: End with a BEYOND that is not sappy but powerful. Think of a metaphor that guides you and weaves through your story and into your ending.

6. Great, great essays can take us through an event and weave in core features. Do not feel confined by any rules other than to engage and stimulate the admissions officers to see you come to life before them. And yes, you must grammar edit your essays.

7. Don’t be bound by five paragraph essays. Your story will guide the form of the essay. You can use dialogue, quotes, song lyrics, poetry. Let your story and message guide you. 

Final Thoughts IV

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freeadvice Email me at getmetocollege.org Buy my iPhone/Google app-All College Application

Essays. It provides all the supplemental essays you need to write along with application deadlines, testing, interview, and teacher recommendation requirements for more than 500 colleges.