From the Discussion on Project Manager Network group

 What are your biggest problems with passive-aggressive's?

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Pamela Cournoyer ? Business Relationship Expert ? Executive Coach ? Corporate Communication Trainer ?

I'm compiling information for an online training for PM's. Would love to have your input before Sept 20th.

1. What are your biggest problems with passive-aggressive's?

2. Where are your biggest P-A problems stemming from: your team, stakeholders, clients or management?

Passive-agressive behaviours. What would you add to the list?

* Gossip

* Excuses For Why Work Doesnt Get Done

* Delaying Projects

* Blaming

* Backstabbing

* Sarcastic

* Two-faced

* Making excuses

* Complainer / whiner

* Refuses to talk about a concern

* Sullen

* Overly sweet

* Says "yes" but never follows through

* Chronic lateness

* Non-performance

* Resists change

* Victim mentality

* Intentionally misleads

 

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Passive-aggressive personality disorder is a chronic condition in which a person seems to passively comply with the desires and needs of others, but actually passively resists them, in the process becoming increasingly hostile and angry. Backstabbers are passive-aggressive. Confrontation to a backstabber is like sunlight to a vampire. So when threatened, they immediately lash out. Its a way of demonstrating veiled hostility without being directly confrontational.

----------------Passive Aggressive may react differently in tough situations. Some PAs if angrywith someone don't tell them they just keep quiet and wait for the right time to reply back. They might appear in agreement, polite and friendly, however that might really not be the case. Some PAs instead of communicating honestly when they feel irritated, annoyed or disappointed starts giving angry looks and changesstarts reflecting in their behaviour. To tackle such people, communicate calmlywithout blaming  talk about how you feel and try to convey the positive side to it. Be very careful, while putting across your points and ensure not to use suchwords that might enflame the situation. To minimize this kind of behaviour, as it continues to affect others and your project in a negative way, set clear boundaries in your team.

----------------------The real failure as I see it, is the lack of using people based on their skills- not their weakness. Assess your team. Each individual will bring something critical to the table. I don't enjoy working with PAs either but I've learned to value their approach regardless of the intent. In emergent situations where poor decisions could have been made under pressure, they have helped by slowing the rest of the team just enough for us to step back and double check our approach. The key is to finding a balance between the ambitious individuals that don't lookinto the details and the passive aggressive's that see the details but wish to keep it to themselves or delay just to delay.

----------------------  My biggest problem is coming up with something that will get through to them, because they always deny it is passive-aggressive. A classic example was an admin assistant to a high level manager I knew about 20 years ago. If people were rude to her or even merely in a hurry, she would be pleasant but would lie in wait for some time when they depended upon her, then oops! forget or misunderstandin an odd way. "I thought you said to mail it, not Fed Ex it." in a chirpy happy tone, not at all upset or apologetic.

She was real proud of her vengeance, but know what? She got a reputation as inept. Because that's all passive-aggressive playing dumb looks like from afar, inept. What's sad is she was such an intelligent person, and she had the same BA degree as her boss did. She should have known that in the emerging climate of breaking down the glass ceiling, she was uniquely placed to inherit her boss's job, IF she could have stepped up to the plate as his partner. Instead the every now and then awful bonehead moves meant not only was she unpromotable, but she got sidelined to be assistant to a low-level manager.

Perhaps telling passive-aggressives that it just makes them look more stupid than they really are, because the more successful they are at hiding the true revenge nature of their actions, the more those actions are attributed to incompetence or mental slowness.

More than once I found myself defending the intelligence of a PA, saying he's avery smart person doing this on purpose, while his 'supporters' insisted he didit because he's as dumb as mud, and shame on me for picking on him.

 

----------------------- Passive-Aggressive acts are a form of abuse - indirectly. Biting in any way will give them secret reason to gloat and plan the next affront. I agree with yourrecommendation to not appease it, rather, make sure you don't depend on them orthat you can replace that person if the behavior persists once confronted.-------------