Codependency Part 7

Attachment

a) One way to understand Complex Trauma and Codependency is that it is the result of a child not being able to connect with their parents

b) As a result, the child feels alone, rejected and abandoned

c) This affects how they view themselves – they conclude that their parents didn’t connect with them because they were unlovable

d) This also affects how they approach relationships. They fear abandonment. They fear that once the other person gets to know them, they will abandon them

e) Childhood attachment can define characteristics that will shape the child's sense of self, their forms of emotion-regulation, and how they carry out relationships with others. Children develop different patterns of attachment based on experiences and interactions with their caregivers at a young age

f) Psychologists feel that there are 3 different ways children from Complex Trauma form bonds and relationships with other people

1. Definition of Attachment a) The ability to establish an emotional

attachment to another person - to relate to them at the deepest level, without fear of rejection, with no walls or masks - authentic

b) It is the result of child’s basic needs being met consistently – love, nurture, acceptance, belonging, respect, safety, consistency, fairness, honesty

c) It leads to a child feeling safe, loved and secure – the very things needed for them to grow and thrive emotionally

d) It is especially important when the child senses or perceives threat or discomfort. It is greatly affected by how the parents respond to them when they face danger.

e) Healthy attachment i. Dysregulated (upset) baby – parents soothe;

child calms down (regulated state) ii. If soothing is the consistent pattern in their

life, it encodes the nervous system to respond appropriately to stress

iii. Child reaches adulthood and is able to regulate itself

f) Unhealthy - If parent isn’t able to regulate themselves when stressed (copes by agitation, explosion or freezes). The child picks up the patterns. Or if they don’t respond to child

g) Themes – shame, abandonment, dysregulation h) “Moderately to severely dysregulated nervous

systems can lead to addictive behaviours in adulthood”

i) “Love/relationship addicts (codependency) are chronically dysregulated”

j) Codependency = Result of problematic attachments in childhood

2. Things that contribute to lack of attachment a) Parent didn’t attach at every stage of the

child’s development – infant, toddler, child, pre-adolescent, teenager

b) Parent was inconsistent due to their own issues

c) Child wasn’t allowed to talk about something d) Attaching to one parent, but not the other

• Note: To attach to one parent will help, but it will result in some attachment issues

3. 3 different types of insecure attachment a) The patterns of coping that developed in a

child who was not able to develop a secure attachment with parents

b) These show up in codependency A. Anxious Attachment

a) You want to be close and connect, but you operate by the belief that people won’t want to connect with you as you are. Fear rejection

b) Believe people will only connect with you if you give up your needs, and please and accommodate them

c) Result i. They don’t get their needs met ii. They become unhappy iii. They’re obsessed with the relationship and

hyper-vigilant for any signs of distance, or that partner doesn’t want closeness, over-analyze

iv. They often take things personally and predict the worst-case scenario

v. To alleviate their anxiety, they play games or manipulate their partner to get attention and reassurance - by withdrawing, acting out emotionally, not returning calls, provoking jealousy, or by threatening to leave

B. Avoidant Attachment a) Develop when parent neglects child. Child

develops avoidant to avoid feelings of rejection b) Avoid closeness - their independence and self-

sufficiency are more important than intimacy c) In relationships, they act self-sufficient and

self-reliant and don’t share their feelings d) They avoid commitment; hang onto “freedom” e) Once committed, they create mental distance

and dissatisfaction about their relationship by focusing on their partner’s flaws or about how good single life was

f) Just as the anxiously attached person is hypervigilant for signs of distance, they’re hypervigilant about their partner’s attempts to control them or limit their freedom in any way

g) They engage in distancing behaviors, such as flirting, making unilateral decisions, ignoring their partner, or dismissing their partner’s feelings and needs

h) Their partner may complain that they don’t seem to need them or that they’re not open enough. They see that as their partner being too needy; and feel proud that they aren’t like that

C. Disorganized attachment a) Disorganized attachment arises from fear (due

to abuse) without solutions b) Simultaneous fear of being controlled or

abandoned. Fears intimacy because intimacy results in conflict, which results in abandonment

c) Give mixed messages – “I love you, I can’t stand you”; “I need you, go away”

• Note: These characteristics may not show up in normal life or friendships, but they appear when you get into a romantic relationship

2. Observations a) Anxious and avoidant attachment styles

characterize the feelings and behavior of pursuers and distancers (common pattern in codependency)

b) Many are unconscious of their needs c) This is a reason for their mutual attraction d) Distancers need someone pursuing them to

sustain their emotional needs that they largely disown and which wouldn’t be met by another avoider; and pursuers need someone to pursue

e) Note: Neither is attracted to a person who has secure attachment – too boring

f) Without the chase, conflict, or compulsive behavior, both pursuers and distancers begin to feel depressed and empty due to their painful early attachments

g) The anxiety of an insecure attachment is enlivening and familiar, but it makes them more anxious – it backfires

h) Note: Both are emotionally unavailable i) It validates their abandonment fears about

relationships and beliefs about not being enough, lovable, or securely loved

• Psalm 19 – “The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known. They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard. Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world.”

• Creation – Psalm 19 a) The intricate design of creatures and

interdependence (required a genius mind) b) The beauty c) The vastness of the universe

d) God pursues a relationship with us. He wants to attach with us. He knows it is key to us having a healthy soul

e) One way he does that is to attract us to him by putting his beauty, greatness, wisdom on display

1. One example of millions – the Monsoon a) Affects half of the world’s population b) 4-5 months of rain, then 7-8 months of

drought c) Up to a metre of rain/day in some places d) Life and economy depends on it

• Two starting points a) South - Australia

i. Hot and dry – 6 months of drought – 40 C ii. Fires – fire tornado – 100 metres high – 1000

C at core – blast super heated air high into atmosphere

iii. To feed fire, must suck in air – creates winds – sucks in moist ocean air

iv. Also stirs up ocean – nutrients - plankton v. As air goes up, cools, creates clouds

b) North – Tibetan Plateau

vi. Big hot plate – draws in moist air from Indian Ocean – runs into Himalayas

• Some of the results of the monsoon 1. Mekong River a) 2500 miles long b) 5 Countries c) 400% increase

in flow d) Tonle Sap Lake

• Tonle Sap Lake

e) Reverses Sap River – pushes millions of fish into lake

f) Tonle Sap Lake balloons to 8X its normal size g) When monsoon stops and water begins to

recede i. Fish rush down river – 30,000 tons of fish –

feeds Cambodia ii. Layer of silt – fertilizer – up to 70% of land iii. Rann of Kutch salt flat – 12,000 sq miles

h) Delta – tons of nutrients flow into sea – fish feeding frenzy

• Before the monsoon comes, when drought is worst, and animals in greatest danger

• Mahua Tree • Most trees bear fruit during Monsoon • Mahua - Fleshy Fruit – at the height of the drought - feeds animals