parenting coordinators and parent educators for divorce steve nisenbaum, ph.d.,j.d. crown point...
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Parenting Coordinators and Parent Educators for Divorce
Steve Nisenbaum, Ph.D.,J.D.Crown Point Office Center
76 Summer Street, Suite 35Fitchburg, MA 01420
Divorce in the U.S. Increased 200% in 30 years Percentage of adults married is at all-
time low Divorce ranks second only to death of a
spouse or child as major life stressor Less than 60% of children live with
married biological parents 1 in 5 children will face 2 divorces by age
18
Two Roles for Psychologists to Help Divorcing Families
Parenting Coordinator and Implementing Parenting Plans
Parent Educator for divorcing parents of minor children
Defining “Parenting Coordinator”
A neutral facilitator who assists separated and/or divorced parents: a) to resolve disputed child-related parenting issues, and b) to develop and implement safe and workable parenting plans
Reducing Court Burdens Studies show dramatic reductions in
frivolous and expensive, emotionally charged Court actions
One California study found reduction from 993 Court appearances to 37 after Parent Coordinator appointed (T.Johnston, 1994)
Studies show parents report being satisfied and experiencing decreased conflict (M. Vick and R. Backerman, 1996)
Key Issues Qualifications, training and experience
of the neutral? Authority of a Probate and Family Court
Judge to appoint? Prior consent of the parents? Scope of appointment – e.g., no
authority to modify child custody Orders of the Court
Confidentiality, privileged communication?
Key Issues (Continued) Work with Parents only or input from children,
collaterals? Independent information-gatherer or only –
recipient? Clinical evaluation or non-clinical? Interventions? Written Report or other disclosure to Court or in
subsequent proceedings? Recommendations or not?
Review by Court, adoption as Order of Court, and/or access of parents to appeal or de novo review?
Compensation of Parenting Coordinator for services rendered and mechanisms for allocating cost and enforcing payment (e.g., use of retainers, withholding services)?
Key Issues (Continued) Access to records and documents? Risk management issues? – e.g., quasi-judicial
officer of the Court? subpoena for documents or deposition? summons to testify? professional negligence lawsuit? complaint to Board of Registration?
Duration of appointment and terminating or modifying appointment?
Authority to make decisions about contested issues in the absence of parents’ mutual agreement, and interim binding efficacy of such decisions prior to Court review and adoption?
Key Issues (Continued)
Legal standard for Court review? Statement of Facts and/or
Opinions? Mandated Reporting Laws? Tarasoff-type Duty to Warn/Protect Other legal and ethical
considerations?
Potential Advantages of “Parenting Coordinator” Over Unresolved Conflict or Re-Litigation
Potential for enhanced participation and voluntary resolution
Higher satisfaction of parents with process and outcome
Improved compliance Reduced inter-parental and parent-child
conflict, with beneficial effects for children
Potential Advantages (Continued)
Improved parenting skills Improved inter-parental and parent-child
communication, coordination, relationship Lower cost in time and money Simplicity and convenience Face-saving and non-violence Improved problem-solving skills, creativity,
flexibility Access to role-model of PC and to rehearsal
for cooperative agreement
Potential Advantages (Continued) Informed consent User-friendly simplicity, convenience, and
understanding of process Voluntariness and self-determination Parental engagement and control of outcome Degree of formality Procedural and evidentiary aspects Confidentiality and degree of public disclosure Non-prejudicial and non-precedential
When Does Parenting Coordination Work? Parents want resolution, or at least change All important stakes and stakeholders
considered Parents able to express reason of distress Parenting Coordinator able to sustain
process and maintain control toward goal Parents are able to live up to their
agreements
Parenting Coordinator Methods Facilitating productive discussion, with
opportunity to list grievances and needs, vent and be listened to
Problem-solving Negotiating and mediating solutions Plan-building and implementation:
parent negotiated vs. PC imposed solutions
Shuttle diplomacy only or Reduced to written Parenting Plan
Advantages of Parent-Negotiated Parenting Plans
Reduced conflicts Improved parent-child
relationships Enhanced satisfaction and sense of
fairness
What Written Parenting Plans Cover
Caretaking Decisionmaking Spending time Child needs (medical,
psychological, educational, spiritual, physical, social)
Typical written Parenting Plan Details of Responsibility
Residential care (school year, school vacations, holidays, birthdays, other major events)
Transportation Decisionmaking in education, religion,
medical decisions, etc. Designation of dispute-resolution
options for future (Court process, mediation, counseling), specifying person or agency
Disadvantages of Parent Negotiated Plans No penalty for lying Emotions may block rational decisions Parents may really want public
justification or revenge Power imbalance may force loss of
objectivity/neutrality Special deficits may be difficult to
address (retardation, brain damage, severe character disorder or mental illness)
Basic Elements of Parenting Coordinator Services
Informed Consent Confidentiality as Promised Before,
During, After Neutrality Acceptability
Formal Negotiation Sessions Model: Stages of PC Plan-building Before the initial meeting
intake screening and triage providing written information and obtaining
agreement to meet to consider Parenting Coordination
Introductions and setting the stage at initial meeting establishing positive atmosphere explanation of limits of confidentiality obtaining informed consent reviewing terms of payment and obtaining consent releases of information
Stages of Parenting Coordination (Continued) Parenting Coordinator’s Opening statement
Explanation of process, disclaim partiality, disclose conflicts
Obtaining agreement to ground rules for joint sessions, caucusing, conferring with Attorneys
Defining issues and interests Parents’ Opening Statements Identifying issues and concerns in dispute Getting each parent to understand the other’s
perspective on each issue, even if they don’t agree Identifying interests behind the issues Getting each parent to agree to work on solutions
Stages of Parenting Coordination (Continued)
summarize issues, feelings, wants and emphasize any positive history
get agreement to summary of open issues and concerns (“Do I understand that if we solve these issues we will have an agreement?”)
Generating options helping disputant parents generate options to
satisfy mutual and separate interests Assessing options and generating proposals
evaluating, comparing, elaborating, refining revising, discarding, compiling help brainstorming in joint session, breaking
impasse, developing objective criteria
Stages of Parenting Coordination (Continued)
modeling respect and dignity, no interrupting ask open-ended questions that encourage parents
to talk to each other place responsibility for creating options and
solving problems on the parties, and record parents’ own words (not edited or reworded); don’t interpret
work towards understanding each other’s interests behind each issue/concern, not necessarily agreeing (“Is there anything else you wish the other parent would understand?”)
allow appropriate expressions of feelings emphasize common interests and validate process active listening and asking questions
Stages of Parenting Coordination (Continued)
No criticism, no judging or evaluating ideas everyone gets a turn creating a habit of agreement keeping on track and managing exchanges; on
issues, off personalities Caucusing
to create or receive new proposals air disagreements decide timing brainstorm separately cooling-off
Stages of Parenting Coordination (Continued) Tips for caucusing
if you caucus with one, caucus with the other
ask parent to leave, assure them of their turn
remind parent you are caucusing with of the confidentiality of the session
draw in the parent: “How do you feel about how it is going?”
create doubt when necessary to obtain movement and change of position
Stages of Parenting Coordination (Continued)
Tips for caucusing (Continued) explore hidden agendas re-examine possible solutions
determine if other ideas or change of thinking
clarify concerns on difficult issues engage in “What if …?” or “If Ann agrees to
X, then will you agree to Y?” if appropriate, suggest ways to expand
parent’s resources (e.g., outside help)
Stages of Parenting Coordination (Continued)
confirm offers and changes in positions before meeting with other parent
times to caucus: new facts/ideas presented; unsure of position/strategy; need to talk privately; need to resolve disagreement; impasse develops; help in problem-solving
don’t: caucus before a presentation is done; caucus for long periods without notice; offer sympathy and endanger impartiality
Stages of Parenting Coordination (Continued) Creating doubt
“What will happen if you don’t resolve this?” “What is the likelihood of further protracted
litigation and uncertainty of outcome?” “What are the chances the other parent will accept
this proposal?” Final negotiations, developing standards, and
preparing a written memorandum of agreement
Concluding reviewing, drafting, signing a Parenting Plan
agreement what to do next if the parents cannot agree
Formal Sessions Approach: Opening Statement Checklist Welcome and Introduction
introduce yourself (qualifications, experience, background)
state referral or appointment have parents introduce themselves to you,
ask how they would like to be addressed and inform them how to address you
Establish impartiality disclaimers and clairifying personal
relationships
Opening Statement Checklist (Continued)
No prior knowledge of case, other than referral information
Explain Parenting Coordination process purpose is to help parents resolve their
grievances and differences purpose is to facilitate mutual agreement
in the best interests of the children and family, if possible
what will happen if no voluntary agreement
Opening Statement Checklist (Continued) Providing each parent with a chance to
tell their side of the story, to explore options for resolution
May meet privately and explore issues and options separately (caucusing) that may be difficult to explore together
Caucus time spent with each may be different; what is important is the amount of progress made
Opening Statement Checklist (Continued) Information discussed in caucus will be
held confidential and not released to the other parent without permission
Establish ground rules no interrupting each other; each parent will
have opportunity to respond personal respect; no personal attacks,
name-calling, swearing, smoking during sessions
obtaining parents’ agreement to ground rules
Opening Statement Checklist (Continued) Housekeeping
scheduling, locations room arrangements, caucus rooms, breaks location of bathrooms, telephones,
beverages and snacks, cigarette smoking areas
cell phones and beeper courtesy messages and calls between sessions communications with others (Attorneys,
GALs, therapists, DSS, Judges and Court personnel)
Negotiation Strategies Ground rules Agreed common goals Neutrals Recalling past agreement Not labeling Setting agenda, time, coverage Careful wording (active listening, “I” statements
and information-giving, identifying bothersome) Look to future while learn from past Handling backsliding, meeting conduct, expecting
success
Conducting Sessions
General interviewing skills: setting scene, listening, communication
Low-Directive Facilitation
Stay out of the way Limited structure Use of questions
Support Tactics
Willingness to listen and realistic appraisal
Recognition of strengths Accepting story without reinforcing or
agreeing to maintain neutrality Active listening Noting patterns Summarizing
Breaking Impasse Setting aside Re-establishing trust BATNA and WATNA Playing to Strengths Expanding Options Power Balancing (mediators, Attorneys,
therapy, caucusing, high structure parenting plan)
Getting help
Conflict-Reduction Strategies Separate relationship and parenting
issues Dealing with revenge Not undermining Not arguing (note reasons for arguing:
for argument’s sake, to be heard, staying connected, verbal substitute fighting)
Shifting perspectives Capitalizing on each other’s strength
Characteristics of a Good Written Agreement Basics
clear and in parties’ language covers all the issues definite and specific: who will do what,
when, where, how and how much? Enforceability Dispute Prevention
areas of further disagreement anticipated, with disincentives for violation or specified dispute resolution mechanism
Common Elements in Basic Parenting Plan: Divorce and Post-Divorce Revisions
Preamble, parents’ purposes, names and birthdates of children
Standards of conduct for parents Legal terms defining parental
responsibilities and authority
Common Elements in Basic Parenting Plan (Continued)
Terms set forth for: Religious affiliation and training Basic education and college Medical care and insurance Dental and vision care and insurance Insurance (life, auto, special
requirements) Childcare arrangements
Common Elements in Basic Parenting Plan (Continued)
Time spent with each child by each parent (overnights, together time, activity time)
school year summers holidays, special days
Transportation to and from each home Parents’ residences, locations, and terms
for relocation Financial contributions (child support and
other)
Common Elements in Basic Parenting Plan (Continued)
Duration of agreement, and revisions Resolution of disputes Sanctions or penalties if violated Tax consequences State and County of venue Periodic review and evaluation of plan
(e.g., annually or semiannually)
Common Elements in Basic Parenting Plan (Continued)
Death of parents (wills, guardians) provisions for catostrophic events Protracted illness Drastic loss of income Child’s surname Statement of paternity Parents’ access to information and
records
Sample Standards for Parent Conduct: Low Conflict Family Both parents will make their
whereabouts known so they can be reached in an emergency
Both will provide address and phone number to each other and to all childcare providers
Both will have access to all medical and school records and direct contact with individuals working with or caring for child
Sample Standards for Parent Conduct : Low Conflict Family
It is our intent that both of us know about the children’s needs and education. We agree to coordinate efforts regarding transportation, conferences and consultations
Both will accommodate their children’s desires to spend more time with the other parent for special activities or together time
Sample Standards for Parent Conduct : Low Conflict Family Neither parent will do anything that
would estrange the child from the other parent or impair the child’s love and respect for a parent
Both are free to attend the children’s activities, even if the child is not residing with the parent at that time. The nonresident parent will not interfere in the child’s schedule or with the resident parent’s plans.
Sample Standards for Parent Conduct : Low Conflict Family
Neither parent nor the school should have to be concerned about the child’s whereabouts or changes in plans without prior discussion and agreement
Each child will have the opportunity to spend extra time with a nonresident parent by asking either parent for additional time. The resident parent has the right of approval.
Sample Standards for Parent Conduct : Low Conflict Family The parents agree that the child will have
unrestricted phone access to a parent (or by beeper, email, regular mail) and that a parent will have reasonable, unrestricted access to the child by these or other similar means
Whenever appropriate, the child’s wishes will be seriously considered when decisions are made regarding their times and activities with each parent
Sample Standards for Parent Conduct : Low Conflict Family The parents will communicate regularly
to discuss the needs and progress of the children. They agree to inform one another of significant events during the time the child is with them and to do so before or at the time of the child changing residence -- including information about school, activities, events, medications, health needs, and the child’s feelings, moods, and health
Sample Standards for Parent Conduct : Moderate to High Conflict Family
Practically ANYTHING is potentially possible -- whatever works
Be Creative There is no cookie-cutter for sample
standards for these families Do your best, and Good Luck!
Most Common Issues in Post-Divorce Parenting Conflicts Approved Regular Visitation Plan Problem
regular schedules (daily, weekly) workability holidays, vacations, birthdays transportation and drop off/pick up child belongings late drop off or pickup, canceled visits, no
shows overnights visitation refusal by child
Most Common Issues in Post-Divorce Parenting Conflicts (Continued)
Requested Changes in Visitation advance notice and form of notice of
request special occasions (birthday parties,
special school and extracurricular events, holidays and vacation special requests)
unforeseen emergencies (sickness of child, parent)
Most Common Issues in Post-Divorce Parenting Conflicts (Continued)
Children’s Activities choice of activities and scheduling cost of participation transport and attending practices and
events Telephone calls
access timing, length, and who initiates during vacations
Most Common Issues in Post-Divorce Parenting Conflicts (Continued) Household rules and lifestyles Significant others and dating Differences in parental or
significant other values Supervision and disciplinary
interventions
Most Common Issues in Post-Divorce Parenting Conflicts (Continued)
Allegations of substance abuse or mental impairment in other parent or other parent’s significant other
School and related communications (choosing and changes, access to teachers and conferences, performance and report cards, projects, homework)
Most Common Issues in Post-Divorce Parenting Conflicts (Continued)
Vacations (out-of-State, out-of-country, length, sleeping arrangements, access for routine calls and emergencies)
Financial planning for future (college expenses)
Medical and psychological issues for child’s care
Most Common Issues in Post-Divorce Parenting Conflicts (Continued)
Stepfamily and blended family issues
Grandparents and other relatives (visit access and behavior)
Religious practice differences Allegations of endangerment
(abuse, neglect)
Parent Education Programs 44 States now have some forms of
Parent Education programs Regional or Statewide, Voluntary, recommended, or mandated Statutory or by Court rule General vs. specialized curriculum (e.g.,
domestic violence, substance abuse, language/culture)
General vs. specifically required (e.g., high conflict cases, nonmarried parents)
Tuition-Free or Paid
Some Key Variables Ever married, lived together or not? First marriage or subsequent? How long? Blended family? New Significant Other? Absent or uninvolved parent? Why? Amicable vs. contentious – marriage, post marriage? Age at marriage? Age at Children? Age of children? Number? Range of ages? Currently separated and how long? Parent special issues? E.g., domestic violence, substance
abuse, language/cultural, deficient skills, restraining orders Child special needs? Visitation refusal? Parental alienation? Supervised visits? Relocation? Grandparents and extended family? Either or both parents Pro Se or Attorney-represented?
Common Stated Goals in Parent Education Curricula Increase knowledge of effects of divorce on
children Reduce exposure to ongoing conflict on
children Enhance parental communication skills,
cooperation, decisionmaking Facilitating post-divorce adjustment of child Improve parenting skills Prevent behavioral problems for children Decrease complaints to Courts Increase understanding of court procedures
Most Common Content Areas
Children’s reactions and adjustments to divorce
Responding to children’s reactions to divorce
Stages of divorce (adults, children) Co-parenting communication skills Parents’ reactions and adjustment
Most Common Content Areas (Continued)
Cooperative and parallel parenting Referrals to services and materials Custody and visitation Parenting plans
Parent Education Formats – in vivo, video, online, and Samples
GRASP (General Responsibilities As Separating Parents
SMILE (Start Making It Livable for Everyone)
Parents Apart Positive Parenting Through Divorce
Understanding Clinical Issues in Post-Divorce Families
Psychological contracts during marriage and post-separation
The myth of divorce
Psychological Contracts in Marriage and Divorce: Expectations Great and Small
Marriage Bargains“classic marriage” bargain“companion marriage” bargain“protectorate marriage” bargain
Divorce Bargains
Kinds of Marriages
Pursuer-distancer Disengaged Operatic Cohesive/individuated Traditional
Myths About Divorce
Win or lose Children always lose Fixed pathways Men win Absent father and poverty Divorce like death
12 Destructive Myths
Can’t work Didn’t try Disappears Soap opera or war Blame game One truth Child interpreters
12 Destructive Myths (continued)
All or nothing One home Battling or perfection Children unharmed Solo success
Implications of Divorce
Divorce as extended, several stage process
Differing responses of parent and child Psychological importance of both
parents Special vulnerability Custody issues Preventive intervention
Implications of Divorce (continued)
Timing divorce Child’s preferences Expectable changes Post-divorce family Help
Divorce as Growth Opportunity
Catalyst for change (lifestyle, job, social structure, living environs)
Create knowledge that traditional roles don’t have to continue
Permit better relationship with children
Change destructive patterns Opportunity for personal growth
Phases of Ending First wave: pre-separation, separation
crisis, eruption, adolescent testing new identity/roles, new lifestyle
Second wave: deeper awareness, ex remarries or divorces, you remarry or divorce, ex has another child, change in legal arrangements, moving away, change in circumstances
Danger signals, addiction to strong emotions
Post-Divorce Relationship Patterns
Perfect pals Cooperative colleagues Angry associates Fiery foes Dissolved duos
Patterns of Post-Divorce Parent Adjustment
Enhanced Competent loners Good enoughs Seekers Libertines Defeated
Limited Capacities of Both Parents to Protect from Interparental Conflict and Disturbed Attitudes
Access contingent on both obtaining appropriate counseling
Court Orders for monitoring compliance Reviewing progress Direct access of child to own counselor
or advocate
Presumptions at Law
Tender years Best interests of the child Primary parent
Children’s Adjustment to Custody Arrangements Few differences for sole vs. joint custody Tendency for self-selection change in actual
custody so it best suits family Changes are for pragmatic reasons Emotionally and behaviorally troubled children
and troubled family relationships Amounts of visitation/access less important to
outcome than other factors 10% of couples with ongoing high conflict – allow
disengagement, reduce frequency transitions/contact and minimize shared decisionmaking and direct communications
6 Psychological Tasks for Children
Acknowledging reality of marital rupture Disengaging from parental conflict and
distress, and resuming normal pursuits Resolution of loss Resolving anger and self-blame Accepting permanence of the divorce Achieving realistic hope regarding
relationships
Child Responses Ages 3-5: fear, regression, macabre
fantasy, bewilderment, guilt, emotional need, play, rise in aggression, inhibition of aggression, guilt, emotional need, mastery
Ages 6-8: grief rear to disorganization, deprivation, yearning, inhibition of aggression at father, anger at custodial mother, fantasies of responsibility and rebuilding, conflicts in loyalty
Child Responses (continued) Ages 9-12: presentation, layering of response,
attempted mastery by activity, anger, shaken sense of identity, somatic symptoms, alignment
Ages 13-18: changes in relationship to parent, worry about sex and marriage, mourning, anger, perceptions in flux, loyalty conflicts, greater maturity and moral growth, more realistic about money, changed participation within family, strategic withdrawal
Failure to cope: temporary interference with entry into adolescence, prolonged interference, regression following loss of external values and controls, pseudoadolescent behavior
Child’s Wish List for Parent Honors visitation rights Is consistent and dependable Lives within reasonable distance Keeps in touch Doesn’t try too hard to be the “other
parent” Provides activities for continuity to visits Provides consistent discipline Doesn’t treat child as a “guest” Let’s child know how can be contacted
Child’s Worries
“I caused the divorce” “How can I be loyal to both?” “We’re going to starve/no money” “Where is my room going to be?”
Explanations Child May Need
Assurance they’re loved Briefly stated reasons for divorce Stress they’re not responsible Description of any changes
expected (e.g., parent moving, where child to live)
Time frames for any plans affecting child
How Children Contribute to Disputes
Strategies Reuniting Separation distress Detonating tension Testing love Proving loyalty Seeking fairness Protecting self-esteem Permissive living
Child Outcomes 5 Years Post-Separation: Key Factors Parental conflict Custodial parent’s handling child and
resumption of parenting Child’s feeling rejected and involvement
with noncustodial parent Child resources (personality, history,
intelligence, capacity for fantasy, social maturity, peer and adult supports)
Availability of support network Lack of anger and depression Sex and age
Visiting Parent’s Experience
Why visits are hard Internal barriers discouraging visits
(depressed fathers, guilty fathers, provocative fathers)
Factors contributing to visits (welcoming limits, others)
Parents’ Motives and Methods
Level of impasse Reuniting strategies Extending mediation Pursuing sole or joint custody Emotionally disengaging Yielding to all demands
Parents’ Methods and Motives (continued)
Refusing to visit Labeling/invalidating Buffering Sabotaging
Emotions of Ending
Wounding and healing (emotional and personal re-ordering)
Whose idea Pre-separation “boot camp” Review work and releasing Repeating themes Denial and dumbness
Parents’ Emotional Survival Strategies
Favoring Court Manipulating children’s
preferences
Parents’ Financial Survival Strategies
Primary physical custody Shared physical custody Most of the summer
Parents’ Pushing to Lose Strategies
Martyrdom Face-saving
Parents’ Appeasing Strategies
Sole custody for new spouse Pulling away
Parents’ Power Assertion Strategies
Sole custody 50-50 split 51-49 split Cliches for justification Child’s last name Secret phone calls Holier than thou Sole custody revenge
Parents’ Power Assertion Strategies (continued)
Point-counterpoint Joint custody revenge Bait and switch Frustrating visitations
Parental Alienation: Manifestations
Campaign of denigration Weak rationalizations Lack of ambivalence Independent thinker Reflexive support Absence of guilt Borrowed scenarios Spread to extended family
Parental Alienation: Aligned Parents Blame their own intense dysphoria on the
former spouse Highly vulnerable to competitive narcissistic
injuries (e.g., brain-washing and programming intensify as rejected partners succeeds in life financially or in new relationships)
Poor candidates for re-education because largely “other-blamers” who take no responsibility for damaging influence on child
Can be skillful in convincing others of sincerity
Parental Alienation: Child Psychodynamics
Primary bond Fear of disruption Reaction formation Identification with aggressor Idealized parent Release hostility Infectiousness of emotions Sexual rivalry
Parental Alienation: Gender Differences
Birthright proprietary-exclusionary Family synonymous Female identity Financial support Lacking resources Continuity,
Parental Alienation: Gender Issues (continued)
Men’s capacity Peer-group expectations Fear of another loss Moving Creating a new family Opportunity
Aligned/Rejecting Child Confusion
Feel self-hatred and guilt for allying against rejected parent
Anger and challenging behavior is also a pathetic longing for the rejected parent
Parental Alienation: Other Views
Instead of passive victims of ex-spouse’s vengeful rage, rejected parents are often rather inept and unempathic with their child
Rejected parents may also contribute to the problem by counterhostility and dogged pursuit of the child (telephone calls, letters, appearances at child’s activities)
Parentified Child Parentification: child provides security
and direction, child meets closeness or companion needs, child caregiver
Impact: adverse consequences, emancipation,future relationships, self-esteem
Assessing: in charge, confidant, observing wounded parent, discuss dating, child intermediary, characterizing child
Emotion-Dismissing Parents Don’t notice lower intensity emotions View negative emotions as toxins See unhappy child as failed parenting Try to protect child from all negative
affect Try to distract or cheer up See examining negative affect as waste
of time/destructive Lack language for emotions
Emotion-Coaching Parents Notice lower intensity emotions See negative affects as opportunity for
intimacy or teaching See child’s experiencing negative affect as
healthful growth, and are not impatient with negative affect
Communicate understanding and empathy Help label feelings, understand feelings
underlying behavior, set limits and problem-solve
Distortions in Thinking
Emotional misreasoning Overgeneralization Catastrophic thinking Black-and-white thinking Shoulds and musts Negative predictions/fortune-telling Projection
Distortions in Thinking (continued)
Mind-reading Labeling Personalization Negative focus Cognitive avoidance
Functions of Visitation Protect child’s rights for access to the
noncustodial parent Protect rights of the noncustodial parent Protect the emotional bond between
child and both parents Provide alternative role models for the
child Provide the custodial parent with relief
from parenting responsibilities
Visitation Tips
What each house should have Ways to communicate Children’s issues Making transition time easier Checkmate (cost of divorce, tax
liability, property settlement, mortgage, taxes and insurance, child support, alimony)
Visitation Tips (continued)
Mediation Custody sampler Sole custody What fathers say is hardest
Data on Frequency of Visitation
More frequent visitation occurs if: a regular visitation schedule parents are cordial custodial parent encourages visitation noncustodial father is not depressed father is better educated child wishes to visit child is not withdrawn or regressive
Data on Frequency of Visitation (Continued)
More frequent visitation occurs if: noncustdial parent was from an intact
family noncustodial parent lives alone noncustdial parent seldom moves noncustodial parent chose the separation child support payments are more regular it is closer in time to the separation remarriage has not occurred
Possible Visit Considerations For only child, no special developmental
guideline considerations of context If parents have a developmentally
inappropriate pattern with apparent success over time, child may be very adaptable and the deviation acceptable if difficulties are not being ignored
If attachment problems become symptomatic, consider mental health evaluation
Possible Visit Considerations (Continued) If child shows symptoms at transition
leaving from one parent: visitation problems may exist (abuse, neglect, conflict?); child may attempt to please parent who is left; child may find leaving less painful if everyone is upset
If child shows symptoms at transition leaving from both parents: child may have difficulty with loss; may be trying to please both parents; may be change-sensitive
Possible Visit Considerations (Continued) If an older sibling is present for visit times
and child is bonded with that sibling, consider longer visit durations
If child is not bonded with sibling, consider using the developmental guidelines
If parents have chronic conflict: consider 3rd party transfer; consider sole custody; regular predictable visits; reduced frequency of transfer
Possible Visit Considerations (Continued) If noncustodial parent has significant
psychopathology, consider whether: reduced frequency and duration visits, or supervised visits only or no visits
If noncustodial parent is abusive or neglectful, consider: supervised visits only or no visits
If child is severely alienated from noncustodial parent, consider: very brief visits with or without supervision
Possible Visit Considerations (Continued) If great geographical distance,
consider: avoid long visits for children under 7, but promote frequency where financially feasible; half the time have custodial parent take the child and half the time have noncustdial parent go get the child
If there has been a long break, consider a phase-in resumption with or without supervision
Possible Visit Considerations (Continued) If custodial parent is isolated without
supports or under stress, consider increasing visitation with noncustdial parent to reduce constant caretaking
If child has an easy temperament and the parents want to change the guidelines, be sure to evaluate whether the change is for the convenience of the parents rather than the benefit of the child
Predictors of Good Child Adjustment
Parents’ psychological functioning Quality of parent-child relationships Regular predictable access
arrangements Stable social support systems
school social activities, contact with peers and extended kin)
Parent Do’s Give quality time with both parents Resolve problems with ex without involving
children Make children feel loved and cared for Ensure their financial needs Keep blame between parents Minimize radical changes Convey one is responsible for own well-
being Encourage children to live their own lives
Parent Don’ts Make child choose/take sides Make them feel as if they have only one parent Put them in the middle Deprive children of emotional support Deprive children of financial support Blame children Force lifestyle change Make child responsible for parent’s emotional
well-being Let divorce interfere with child’s social life and
peer relationships
Guidelines for Parents Allow time for readjustment Remember the best of the marriage Reassure child re blame and rejection Don’t encourage child to take sides Don’t upset routine abruptly Be frank but nonjudgmental about finances Don’t make unpleasant too secret Retell the story when, and only when, child
needs that Use consistent discipline Abide by visitation guidelines
Stepfamilies and Blended Families
Ambiguity or role/authority of cohabiting steppartner
Heightened stress for children and ex-spouses, return of repressed anger/unresolved mourning and displacement
Child’s vulnerability forming new attachments after disappointment and loss of one parent
Stepfamilies and Blended Families
Child’s fear of losing other parent, too Awkwardness that coordination of
responsibilities and new roles takes time Pseudomutuality and phobic fear of
disagreement Uncertainty how supposed to feel Expanding and contracting involvements
with extended families Increased competition from former spouse
Stepfamilies and Blended Families
Child’s loyalty to non-remarried other parent
Child’s resentment of sexualized parent Child’s resentment of new partner (or
kids) as competitor for time and attention
Stepparent’s resentment of child of previous relationship rejecting
Weakened incest taboos
Stepfamilies and Blended Families
Discontinuities in family history from visitation
Yielding space and privacy Changing sibling role order or status Ineffective parental disciplining due to
newly apparent skill limitations, overleniency to quell dissatisfaction, overly rigid discipline to maintain order
Stepfamilies and Blended Families
Using remarriage to rescue out-of-control Increased interparental competition and
forcing choices Differing loyalties among siblings and
balancing acts Stepparent overeagerness to please New negotiated household culture norms
(chores, manners, rules, expressing feelings)
Never Married: Special Issues Never established a separate family unit,
may not know each other well, cannot draw on prior experience working together (may be similar to briefly married)
Child may have little or no contact with other parent
Child may have accepted another as parent-substitute
Child may question a parent’s absence, appearance, relatives
Never Married: Special Issues (continued) Parents may have added anger,
resentment, suspicion, or fear if feel coerced by Court
Informal arrangements affected by Courts and involvement of social service agencies
Other relatives who shared childrearing may feel displaced
Mediator may be viewed as outsider, too
Never Married: Modified Approaches
Increased education (especially on child development)
Increased referrals to community resources and case management
Increased caucusing and shuttle mediation
Increased power-balancing, brainstorming, suggestions to address obstacles
Never Married: Modified Approaches (continued)
Increased modeling effective communication, teaching how to make and respond to requests, how to structure a discussion, how to use solution-based decisionmaking
Use more active, reactive and proactive style, but stay concrete and stick to boundaries
Take risks and do unexpected