parentin g skills

PARENTING SKILLSW O R K S H O P S E R I E S

A Manual for Parent EducatorsJohn Bailey

Susan Perkins

Sandra Wilkins

in consultation withJennifer Birckmayer

Evaluation materialprovided by June Mead

A Cornell Cooperative Extension Publication

About the Authors

John Bailey is coordinator of the Ithaca Youth Bureau’sOne-to-One Program, which matches needy childrenwith adult volunteers in open-ended friendships. Heholds a bachelor of arts degree from Wesleyan Univer-sity.

Susan Perkins is a family life specialist with TompkinsSeneca Tioga Board of Cooperative Educational Ser-vices’ Adult Continuing Education. She continues tosupport parents learning to strengthen their skills. Shehas bachelor of science and master’s degrees from thePennsylvania State University.

Sandra Wilkins is extension educator at Cornell Coop-erative Extension of Tompkins County. She coordi-nates parenting education programs, including theParenting Skills Workshop Series. She holds a bachelorof science degree in nursing from Montana StateUniversity and a master’s of professional studies inadult education from Cornell University.

Acknowledgments

This project would never have come to fruition withoutthe support, guidance, and assistance of many people.We would like to thank Karen Carr and Sam Cohen fortheir work in initiating the project. Nancy Zahler of theTompkins County Youth Bureau helped obtain ongoingfunding when we were mere fledglings. MarciaMarkwardt, Nancy Potter, Janeth Thurling, and JudithWinckler of Cornell Cooperative Extension helpedexpand the project and contributed to the developmentof the manual. Jennifer Birckmayer contributed Chap-ter 5 and provided numerous helpful comments on themanuscript. June Mead helped us evaluate the programand provided the chapter and supplementary materialson evaluation. Stephen Goggin and Dalva Hedlund ofCornell University assisted in obtaining a grant for theproject and Professor Hedlund commented on themanuscript. Trudie Calvert and Linda Haylor Mikula ofCornell University Media Services provided fine edito-rial and design work. We would like to thank the manyfacilitators who have brought this program to the publicand made many contributions to its development.Special thanks go to our families and to the parents andchildren who have inspired this work.

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© 1995 Cornell University

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CONTENTS

iii

V FOREWORD

VII INTRODUCTION

Chapter 1

1 FIVE BASIC PARENTING SKILLS

Chapter 2

15 STRUCTURED LEARNING

Chapter 3

17 EMPOWERMENT

Chapter 4

19 A GUIDE TO FACILITATING WORKSHOPS

Chapter 5

27 WHEN IS HELP NEEDED?

Chapter 6

29 THE WORKSHOPS

Chapter 7

49 THE ROLE OF THE PROGRAM COORDINATOR

Chapter 8

53 TRAINING FACILITATORS

Chapter 9

59 EVALUATION

61 BIBLIOGRAPHY

Appendix

63 RESULTS OF A TELEPHONE SURVEY

71 EVALUATION FORMS

FOREWORD

he Parenting Skills Workshop Seriesproject began in Ithaca, New York, in1986 in response to a request by family

oped and implemented a facilitator trainingprogram and PSWS began to grow. Interest arosein other New York counties, and facilitator train-ing programs were offered in response. SandraWilkins became program coordinator in 1990, andby 1994 two other Cooperative Extension Associa-tions in New York had contracts to teach theprogram and others were preparing proposals.The Tompkins County Parenting Skills WorkshopSeries continues to grow and expand in responseto increased funding and continued need. Inaddition to workshops for parents, TompkinsCounty now offers a follow-up support group andhome visitation by facilitators trained in PSWS.

This manual is designed to provide parent educa-tors with a complete guide to the skills, teachingtechniques, and empowerment philosophy used inthe Parenting Skills Workshop Series. Chapters 1through 3 describe the content, format, andphilosophical framework for PSWS. Chapters 4through 6 guide facilitators in implementing theprogram. Chapters 7 through 9 provide informa-tion on how to coordinate an ongoing county orregional program. The Appendix gives resultsfrom an evaluation of a Parenting Skills WorkshopSeries offered in Broome County in 1994. Thismanual is offered in conjunction with a facilitatortraining program. Contact your county Coopera-tive Extension Association for more information.

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Tcourt judge Betty Friedlander for training inparenting skills for adults appearing before her incases of child abuse or neglect. Two professionalyouth workers, Karen Carr and John Bailey, saw inthis request an opportunity to provide a programfor the parents of the youth with whom theyworked, but a review of available parent educationprograms showed that all required moderate tohigh levels of literacy and used study and discus-sion rather than hands-on practice as the primaryteaching methods. John and Karen had recentlyattended a workshop presented by ArnoldGoldstein of Syracuse University on using ateaching format called structured learning to workwith adolescents. They decided to try to teachbasic parenting skills using this format, which isbased around role plays by facilitators and partici-pants. The purpose of the program would be toreplace impulsive behavior with rational behaviorand ineffective or hurtful parenting styles witheffective, child-friendly skills.

Cornell Cooperative ExtensionInvolvement

Susan Perkins, then an educator with CornellCooperative Extension of Tompkins County,began working with John in 1987 when Karenreturned to her primary work with adolescents. In1988 Cornell Cooperative Extension of TompkinsCounty was awarded funding through theTompkins County Department of Social Servicesand the Tompkins County Youth Bureau tocoordinate and expand the Parenting SkillsWorkshop Series (PSWS). John and Susan devel-

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INTRODUCTION

ver the past two decades a number ofexcellent parent education programshave found currency among literate

Tompkins County, New York, Parenting SkillsWorkshops are seen as one component of aneducational plan for parents that may includeother parenting education, support groups, ahome visitor, a GED class, family counseling,substance abuse counseling, and job training.

There are three elements to the PSWS method.The first consists of the content of the program—five basic parenting skills. Each skill highlights akey issue in parenting. ENCOURAGEMENT helpsparent and child focus on the child’s positivequalities. CAN DO gives parents a constructivebehavior management skill. CHOICES teachesparents how to share problem solving and deci-sion making with their children. SELF-CONTROLguides parents in developing techniques formanaging their own anger. RESPECTING FEEL-INGS teaches parents how to hear, respect, andrespond to their children’s feelings.

The second element of PSWS is the structuredlearning format, which is adapted from the workof Arnold Goldstein et al. This format is the key toreaching the target audience because it entails ahands-on teaching strategy.

The third element is the empowerment approachas developed by the Family Matters Project ofCornell University. The goal of this approach is tobuild the strength and confidence of programparticipants so they become empowered topractice and use the skills they learn.

Content, format, and philosophical framework,taken together, enable parent educators to reachan audience that is often cautious, skeptical, oreven hostile to institutionally sponsored ideasabout parenting.

Oadults who are motivated to improve their rela-tionships with their children. Although theseprograms have had important benefits for thou-sands of parents, they are not accessible to thesignificant portion of the American public withlimited skill or interest in reading. This portionincludes not only those who do not know how toread but also those who do not learn well fromtext-based teaching strategies. It is of vital impor-tance to reach parents in this group because itcontains a subset of parents who neglect or abuse,or are at risk of neglecting or abusing, theirchildren. The Parenting Skills Workshop Series(PSWS) is designed to fill this educational gap bypresenting basic skills in a hands-on learningformat suitable for any level of literacy.

The eight-week curriculum is based on themesconsistent with familiar parent education pro-grams such as Systematic Training for EffectiveParenting (STEP), Active Parenting Today, andParent Effectiveness Training (PET). Thesethemes are presented in a format that enablesparents to practice five parenting skills in asupportive group environment. Each two-hourworkshop becomes a setting for participants tolearn new skills in a format that emphasizes actionin “real” situations. Teaching strategies includeintroduction and discussion of a skill, modelingthe use of the skill, parents helping each otherpractice the skill, and encouraging use of the skillat home.

Skill building, like other behavioral interventions,needs to be part of a comprehensive serviceprogram that meets the needs of each family. In

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Chapter 1

FIVE BASICPARENTING SKILLS

ENCOURAGEMENT1. Notice something you like.

2. Notice how you feel.

3. Say it! (“I feel . . . that you. . . .”)

4. Notice how your child responds.

CAN DO1. Notice what you don’t want your child to do.

2. Think of something your child can doinstead.

3. Tell your child what he or she can do.

4. Help your child if necessary.

CHOICES1. Help your child understand the problem.

2. Your child and you think of two or morereasonable choices.

3. Have your child choose and tell you thechoice.

4. Help your child follow through.

SELF-CONTROL1. Pay attention to body messages telling you

that you are about to lose control.

2. Think of ways to control yourself.

3. Choose a way and get control of yourself.

4. Decide how to act with your child.

RESPECTING FEELINGS1. Watch and listen to your child.

2. Think of a word that describes what yourchild might be feeling.

3. Think about why your child might be feelingthis way.

4. Check your ideas with your child.

he Parenting Skills Workshop Series isdesigned to teach five basic parentingskills that are useful from the time chil-

dren begin to talk through the teenage years.

The first skill, ENCOURAGEMENT, fosters self-esteem in children and builds trust between parentand child. ENCOURAGEMENT emphasizes theimportance of telling the child when the parentsees him or her doing something the parent likes.The second two skills, CAN DO and CHOICES, areguidance techniques that can be learned using fourclear steps. CAN DO teaches parents to teachchildren acceptable behavior. CHOICES builds onthese skills by encouraging parents and children towork together to solve problems and make deci-sions. SELF-CONTROL is an anger managementskill for adults, and RESPECTING FEELINGS is anempathy-building skill.

The ideas presented in the Parenting Skills Work-shop Series have been adapted from many sources.Arnold Goldstein and collaborators provided thestructured learning approach and the concepts ofself-control used here. ENCOURAGEMENT, CANDO, CHOICES, and RESPECTING FEELINGS owemuch to the writings of Rudolf Dreikurs, DonDinkmeyer and Gary McKay, Thomas Gordon,Michael Popkin, and Jennifer Birckmayer.

Parenting is a process; parents change and grow tomeet the needs of their children. It is important toremember that change is gradual; for parents tolearn new ways can be scary, difficult, and evenconfusing for both children and adults. Parentsinfluence their children’s behavior and childrenaffect parents’ behavior. These workshops helpparents change their children’s behavior by teach-ing the adults how to change their own behavior.

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Success is measured in many ways. For someparticipants acknowledging a new way to parentwill be a tremendous accomplishment. Manyparents will see how the use of these skills makes adifference in the atmosphere in their homes. Whentheir parents use these tools for guidance anddiscipline, children may say, “My mom doesn’t yellso much.” These new tools can replace yelling,threatening, and spanking. Parents’ reliance onunhealthy alternatives can be reduced or elimi-nated.

Most participants will also find these skills helpfulin their relationships with partners, neighbors, co-workers, and other adults and family members.

These chapters are intended to give the facilitatorsand others using this manual an idea of how theauthors interpret each skill. The sections “KeyIdeas” and the narratives for each skill step areincluded to assist facilitators in understanding thephilosophy behind each skill. As you and yourcofacilitator prepare to present a skill, plan toreview this information. There may be opportuni-ties to include these ideas in your introduction anddiscussion or to draw them out of the role plays asappropriate. These key ideas are expansions of thefour steps parents receive with each skill. Theexamples used in this manual are common situa-tions between parents and children.

There may be some confusion between the termsused here and similar terms used in otherparenting manuals. At the end of each chapter wemention related references, providing a briefdiscussion of similarities and differences betweenthe concepts presented here and similar conceptsused in other parenting programs.

The underlying goal of these workshops is to teachparticipants that parents and children are on thesame team and that a cooperative, caring relation-ship is the basis of a strong family and is the bestway for parents to guide their children’s behavior.Providing children with clear expectations andreasonable limits gives them the security thatenables them to grow and develop in healthy ways.

ENCOURAGEMENTThe First Skill

1. Notice something you like.


3. Say it! (I feel . . . that you. . . .)


Outcomes

Children learn to value who they are and whatthey do.

Parents discover and value their children’s evolv-ing strengths.

Key Ideas

The parent is the child’s first and most significantteacher. Children learn important informationabout themselves from their parents. Children’sbehavior and belief in themselves is stronglyinfluenced by their parents’ reactions. When theirparents have confidence in them, children gainself-confidence. Children who feel good aboutthemselves generally feel good about others andare easy to be with. They are interested in learn-ing new skills and are better able to handle thechallenges of life.

ENCOURAGEMENT is a socialization skillgrounded in respect for self and others.

By using ENCOURAGEMENT parents learn toappreciate their child’s abilities. ENCOURAGE-MENT gives parents a way to express their goodfeelings toward the child. It also helps themrecognize their child’s efforts despite mistakes inbehavior or learning.

Everyone benefits from the encouragement ofothers. Parents also gain an awareness of theirown strengths and abilities. When parents feelencouraged by others, they feel better aboutthemselves.

When parents feel discouraged about the behaviorof their children or the interactions within theirfamilies, they may find it difficult to practice

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ENCOURAGEMENT. They may name misbehavioras their child’s most outstanding attribute.

Facilitators can help parents “reframe” challeng-ing aspects of a child’s personality in a morepositive light. For example, a rambunctious,highly active child can be viewed as clumsy,insensitive, and loud or appreciated as beinglively, curious, and energetic.

Some parents will come to class looking for waysto “control their children better,” and they mayview ENCOURAGEMENT as a manipulationtechnique. Rather, this skill is intended to be ameans of recognizing a child’s abilities and valueas a person, building on the conviction that everyperson is lovable and capable.

Skill Steps


Children benefit from knowing that their parentsapprove of them. When children try to do some-thing new or to do something for others, parentscan use encouragement to show appreciation. Inthis first step, parents need to look carefully attheir child and observe his or her behavior.

By observing their children and using ENCOUR-AGEMENT, parents show children the behaviorthey value. Parents can name specific behaviorswith sentences such as “She likes to help pick outher own pants,” “He tries to help make his bed,”“My child talks to his baby brother in a kindvoice.”

Sometimes a parent will have to think carefully toseparate helpful, positive behavior from frustrat-ing or annoying aspects. For example, when achild tries to help with the dishes but gets waterall over the floor, recognize the helpful feeling andappreciate the contribution, then make light ofthe mess. A parent might say, “I can see howmuch my child wants to be a part of cleaning upafter dinner.” Water can be mopped up with asponge, but hurt feelings cannot!

A perfect time to use ENCOURAGEMENT is whena child begins to do something that a parent wouldlike to see him or her continue to do. Parents get

very excited when their baby first starts to walk.Walking takes a lot of effort and practice, a lot offalling down and getting up. Seeing a child’s firststeps is thrilling. Parents feel good when thishappens.


Take a minute to remember how you feel whenyou see your child trying hard or making progressor making a contribution to the family or doingsomething he or she enjoys. This can be a chal-lenge. All parents experience a wide range offeelings when raising children. Parents also mayhave difficulty separating their feelings of excite-ment or satisfaction from feelings of frustration oranxiety.

Take a minute to think how you are feeling and tofind a positive way to tell your child what you see.“I like to see you . . . ,” “I feel proud, happy,pleased, relieved when. . . .” A broad vocabulary ofwords that express feeling will help you movebeyond “I feel good” and “I feel bad,” thus helpingchildren identify their own feelings of effort,accomplishment, and success.


When we tell children that we notice good thingsthey do, they learn to appreciate their own bestbehavior. Children who are comfortable withthemselves and feel encouraged have high self-esteem.

It is easy for parents to take children’s goodbehavior for granted and miss the chance to teachthem to value their special qualities and talents.This step can be uncomfortable for some parents.It is important to be honest, sincere, and specific.Describe what you see and how it makes you feel.For example, “I like seeing you give your brotherthe book to look at,” “I enjoy watching you learnto swing,” “It’s great to see you practicing jumprope,” “I’m glad to see how much you enjoydrawing pictures.”

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An important part of this step is that parents payattention to their child’s reaction. Some childrenmay be curious, some self-conscious, some suspi-cious. Most children will be grateful and pleasedthat their parent was paying attention to them andtook the time to say something.

Summary

Remember that no matter what a child’s outwardbehavior may be, a parent’s encouraging wordshelp a child feel good inside about something heor she has done or said. By paying attention in thispositive way, a parent teaches a child to feelencouraged.

Suggested Reading

There is some confusion in the parent educationliterature about the difference between ENCOUR-AGEMENT and praise or “helpful praise.” For thepurposes of this skill we draw on the writings ofDonald Dinkmeyer, Jennifer Birckmayer, RudolfDreikurs, and Michael Popkin, as well as the“acceptance” ideas of Thomas Gordon.

Chapters 1, 2, and 3 in Donald Dinkmeyer andGary D. McKay, Systematic Training for Effec-

tive Parenting: The Parent’s Handbook (CirclePines, Minn.: American Guidance Service, 1989),are applicable to this skill. In Chapter 1, “Under-standing the Child’s Behavior and Misbehavior,”Dinkmeyer et al. make two related points. One isthat encouragement, mutual respect, communica-tion of love, and having fun together are the basicingredients for a positive relationship betweenparent and child. The second point is that parentswho encourage positive behavior will have chil-dren who believe they belong. By contributing,they are responsible for their own behavior,interested in cooperating, and can decide towithdraw from conflict.

Chapter 2 of the same book, “Understanding Moreabout Your Child and about Yourself as a Parent,”explains how parents contribute to their children’sfeelings of adequacy and self-confidence. Discus-sion of emotions is appropriate for backgroundwith ENCOURAGEMENT and later for RESPECT-ING FEELINGS.

Chapter 3, “Encouragement: Building Your Child’sConfidence and Feelings of Worth,” emphasizesappreciating your child’s assets. Encouragement isdefined as “the process of focusing on yourchildren’s assets and strengths in order to buildtheir self confidence and feelings of worth.” It isthis interpretation of the encouragement skill wewish to convey here; encouragement is given foreffort or improvement, to build feelings of ad-equacy. The emphasis is on accepting children asthey are and having faith in them so they come tobelieve in themselves (p. 43).

Chapter 3, “Encouragement,” of Rudolf Dreikurswith Vicki Stoltz, Children: The Challenge (NewYork: Plume, 1992), states that understanding thisconcept is basic to every child’s development.Children need encouragement “like a plant needswater” (p. 36). Much of this chapter elaborates onmisbehavior as the motivation of a discouragedchild. Dreikurs includes specific suggestions forcommon situations (pp. 36–56). The distinctionsbetween ENCOURAGEMENT and praise asinterpreted in Parenting Skills Workshops are alsowell explained in this chapter (pp. 46–47).

“Instilling Courage and Self Esteem,” Chapter 3 inMichael H. Popkin, Active Parenting Today

(Atlanta: Active Parenting Today Publishers,1993), defines encouragement as the process bywhich parents build courage in children or “theconfidence to take a known risk for a knownpurpose” (p. 27). Children who learn to be coura-geous are better able to meet life’s challenges, tobe responsible, cooperative, and independent. Adiscussion of the “success cycle” emphasizes theimportance of self-confidence in helping childrenstrive to learn from their experiences and beresponsible for their future behavior. Encourage-ment means “catch ’em being good.” Turningdiscouragement into encouragement is anothersection of this chapter relevant to Parenting SkillsWorkshops. The list of “feeling words” on page129 is useful supplementary information for Steps2 and 3 of this skill.

Jennifer Birckmayer’s Discipline Is Not a Dirty

Word (Ithaca: Cornell Cooperative Extension,1987, rev. ed. 1995) emphasizes the importantneed to build self-confidence and courage inchildren through Principle Two, “Protect and

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preserve children’s feelings that they are lovableand capable.” People need to feel strongly thatI Am Lovable And Capable (IALAC) if they areto feel good about their capacity to learn and tofunction well in the world. This feeling can growor shrink depending on a person’s experiences,particularly with other people (p. 8).

Thomas Gordon, Parent Effectiveness Training

(New York: Plume, 1975), Chapter 2, “Parents ArePersons, Not Gods,” provides good background onthe dynamics between parents and children andthe frustration felt by parents who have troubleencouraging their children. Chapter 3, “How toListen So Kids Will Talk to You: The Language ofAcceptance,” is consistent with the understandingof ENCOURAGEMENT used elsewhere. Thischapter includes an explanation of the IALAC ideaused by Jennifer Birckmayer and emphasizes theneed for children to feel loved. This chapterexplores the many ways parents communicate, orfail to communicate, their love and acceptance oftheir child.

CAN DOThe Second Skill

1. Notice what you don’t want your child to do.

2. Think of something your child can do instead.



Outcomes

Children are able to change unacceptable behav-iors to acceptable ones.

Parents gain a constructive limit-setting techniquethat recognizes their children’s need to be cre-ative and explore their world.

Key Ideas

CAN DO teaches parents how to redirectchildren’s behavior. By using friendly, positivemessages such as “Try this,” “Do this,” “Havethis,” “Here,” parents teach children to act inappropriate ways. Changing “Don’t leave yourclothes on the floor” to “Pick up your clothes andput them in the hamper” gives children theinformation they need to do what is expected.Young children will respond to similar but safer ormore appropriate behavior alternatives with alittle guidance from parents. As children growolder, they continue to appreciate being told whatthey can do as opposed to being told what theycannot do.

CAN DO helps parents set limits on children’sbehavior in constructive, appropriate ways.Overusing negative words reduces parents’effective influence with their children. “No,”“Don’t,” “Stop,” and “Quit,” when used too often,when you are annoyed or impatient, or when yourchildren are acting out, will soon lose their impact.Strong words like these are most effective whensaved for emergency situations. Find ways tochange “No, don’t” to “Yes, you can do this in-stead.” CAN DO enables children to be creativeand curious without exceeding boundaries ofsafety and respect for others.

It also helps to create a more positive, supportivefamily environment. Children are able to cooper-ate when they know what is expected of them.

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Telling children what to do instead of what not todo teaches them to think about alternative ways ofbehavior, the first step in creative problem solv-ing.

Saying something once may not guarantee compli-ance. Parents need much patience and must beready to help children follow through while theygrow and learn new routines.

Skill Steps


When you notice your child doing somethingannoying or irritating or even hurting somethingor someone, stop and think for a minute beforereacting. Decide what behavior of the child’s youwant to change. Of course, if a child is in immedi-ate danger, an adult must intervene quickly.


Ask yourself what your child could do or have thatwould be okay with you. Think of things that aresafer or more appropriate than the activity youwant to stop. If your child is throwing things orjumping on the bed, is there another place wherethat activity would not bother you? Throwingthings indoors increases the chances of peoplebeing hurt or objects getting broken. Jumping onbeds upsets many parents and can be dangerous ifa child falls. Children can play actively outdoors ina safe setting.

Choosing alternative activities that require mini-mal change is the most successful technique.Children need outlets for emotions and energy;parents can help children learn how to managethese needs in effective and appropriate ways.Changing from jumping wildly to coloring quietlyis a huge leap for most kids that they will resist.

If a situation causes frustration and occurs oftenin your family, ask friends for ideas you could tryas CAN DO’S with your children.


Using a firm, friendly voice, tell your child whatyou want her or him to do. A statement that endswith “okay?” or a question such as “Would you liketo color instead of jumping on the bed?” gives thechild the choice not to cooperate and creates

confusion. Statements like “Jumping on the bed isnot safe. You need to play out in the yard,” spokenin a respectful, confident manner are moreeffective.

Some children will cooperate easily, but if yourchild is having a hard time making the switch,speak slowly, making eye contact to get yourchild’s attention. Be clear, firm, and calm.


Following through is the key to the success of thisskill. Your children will cooperate when they seethat you care enough to help them. It may benecessary to show your child what you expect andto give encouragement, coaching, or other sup-port. Sometimes children appreciate your com-pany. “You need to play active games outside. Iwill put on my coat and join you outdoors.”Although it may be inconvenient or an extraeffort, time you take now will help your child bemore independent in the long run.

Summary

CAN DO is a skill you use when your children aredoing something you don’t want them to do.

Suggested Reading

The first principle from Discipline Is Not a Dirty

Word by Jennifer Birckmayer (Ithaca: CornellCooperative Extension, 1987, rev. ed. 1995) is“Tell children what they can do instead of whatthey can’t do, or focus on the do’s instead of thedon’ts.” Children react to too many negativeseither by deciding that it is “dangerous to [doanything] and become passive and uninterested inlearning; or deciding that adults just say no andthat the way to deal with them is to touch as manythings as you can before they get really mad.”Some specific suggestions are included. Forexample, “Don’t drop the egg” becomes “Carry theegg in two hands like this” (p. 6).

Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs withVicki Stoltz (New York: Plume, 1992) “EliminateCriticism and Minimize Mistakes” (Chapter 11)reinforces the rationale of the CAN DO skill.Dreikurs emphasizes the importance of maximiz-ing “yes” and minimizing “no.” He stresses the

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value of turning mistakes into learning experi-ences (pp. 106–15).

Several other chapters in Children: The Chal-

lenge expand the meaning of limits and theimportance of mutual respect. “Be Firm withoutDominating” (Chapter 7), “Show Respect for theChild” (Chapter 8), and “Induce Respect forOrder” (Chapter 9) include ideas facilitators mayfind useful in constructing demonstrations ofCAN DO.

Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training

(New York: Plume, 1975), in Chapter 8, “ChangingUnacceptable Behavior . . . by Changing theEnvironment,” shows how altering the surround-ings can be a simple and effective way to reducefrustration for a child. The sections, “Substitutingone activity for another” and “Planning ahead witholder children” (p. 143) provide ideas consistentwith CAN DO to direct children’s behavior in apositive way.

Donald Dinkmeyer, Sr., Gary D. McKay, andJames S. Dinkmeyer, Systematic Training for

Effective Parenting: Parenting Young Children

(Circle Pines, Minn.: American Guidance Service,1989), includes “distracting the child” as onemethod of effective discipline. This is described ascalling the child to gain her or his attention, thensteering the child in another direction, and“focus[ing] the child’s attention on something thatis acceptable. This is done in a friendly, non-threatening manner. . . . Acting without wordsavoids creating a struggle for attention or power”(p. 107).

CHOICESThe Third Skill

1. Help your child understand the problem.


3. Have your child choose and tell you the choice.


Outcomes

Children make decisions within reasonable limitsprovided by adults.

Parents share the decision-making process withtheir children.

Key Ideas

CHOICES builds on the ENCOURAGEMENT andCAN DO skills to develop cooperation betweenparent and child. Parents are asked to be open-minded and allow children to become increasinglyinvolved in determining the resolution to a sharedproblem. This is a skill to use when children canhelp with a decision or plan the solution. By givingparents a way to share responsibility with chil-dren, CHOICES can reduce parents’ anxiety aboutfeeling that they must control every situation.Children gain the opportunity to learn personalresponsibility and decision making to increasetheir independence.

CHOICES is very different from CAN DO, and thedistinction should be made clear. Parents maygive their children alternative CAN DO’S (“Youcan do ‘A’ or you can do ‘B.’ Which one do youwant to do?”), but that is not the same asCHOICES, in which parents and children find acooperative resolution. The family works togetherto reach a decision.

CHOICES is a negotiation skill that respects therights of both parent and child. Sometimes it ishard to allow children a voice in the process.Some parents find it uncomfortable or difficult tounderstand how valuable it is to do so. At othertimes parents undervalue their own responsibilityin the decision-making process and let theirchildren have more freedom than is comfortablefor the parent or appropriate for the child.

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There is an underlying understanding in applyingthis skill that the parent must be sure the choicesare safe and reasonable for all parties involved.This means respecting the parent’s own needs aswell as recognizing and respecting the child’sneeds. Parenting is a responsibility, but with thisskill decision making is collaborative and familymembers strengthen their shared commitment.

As family members work to resolve disagree-ments, they gain respect, trust, and support foreach other. Children develop the skills to work outdifferences with others in a positive way. This skillis one of the foundations of self-discipline. A childwho learns how to make choices effectively hasacquired the skills for responsible decision makingthroughout life.

The age and maturity of the child will influencehow many options are considered and which onesare appropriate. The younger the child, the morea parent will need to guide the process. Too muchresponsibility can be overwhelming for a youngchild, who may become discouraged. Olderchildren, however, need opportunities for in-creased responsibility and will tend to resistrestrictive options. The complexity of the situa-tion, the ages of the children, and the comfortlevel of the parents all influence the discussion.

Skill Steps


Often situations that cause conflict betweenpeople are seen differently by those involved. Oneperson may be unaware of causing a problem forothers. Clearly stating the problem is the first stepto a solution. It is important to be specific aboutthe problem, saying something like “Wet clotheswill mildew if they are left on the floor” or “It’sgetting late, time to get dressed for school.”Global criticisms like “You never think before youact” have no place in this skill; avoid them. Taketime to explain your concern, however briefly, tocommunicate the expectation that this is a prob-lem you can solve together. The underlyingmessage you give your child is that “we can workthis out with mutual respect.”


This is a brainstorming step. Encourage thisprocess by asking your child, “What do you thinkwe could do?” and by making a list of all the ideas.In this step all ideas are okay. In fact, a crazy ideamay trigger a suggestion from one or both of youthat could be the best solution. Before you moveto the next step, be sure you have found choicesthat are acceptable to both of you.

It is very important that children contribute ideas.By doing so they begin to feel a part of the plan-ning and, later, of the solution to the problem.Children will quickly develop many ideas. A childwho contributes creative ideas becomes a goodproblem solver, a cooperative playmate, and aresourceful student.

Together you take the list of ideas and sort outwhich ones are reasonable and acceptable to bothof you. Very young children will be overwhelmedby too many alternatives. They will be comfortablewith shorter lists and more concrete choices. Theparent and the child should both have “no” votes,although the parent has the final responsibility tobe sure the choices are safe and reasonable. “Canyou live with it?” is a good test. If not, simply say,“That cannot be one of the choices.”

Being flexible and open-minded is also a skill.Carefully think about why you are saying “no.” Isit reasonable for you to let your sixteen-year-oldchild go to the movies with a friend without achaperon? Is it responsible to allow your eight-year-old to choose her own clothes?

If you cannot decide on at least two mutuallyagreeable choices, get ideas from others, startover, or agree to try one choice for a short time asan experiment. Don’t get discouraged; it is aprocess that gets easier the more it is used.

3. Have your child choose and tell you thechoice.

Once you and your child have agreed on choicesacceptable to both of you, it should not matter toyou which choice your child makes. When chil-dren tell their choice they make a verbal commit-ment and are more likely to follow through. Besure the decision is clear to both you and your

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child. You may want to repeat the decision to besure you both understand the choice.


This skill has an important final step. Making thechoice is only part of the solution. Responsibilitymeans doing what you say you will do. “What can Ido to help you?” may be a gentle reminder, givingadditional information or other support to helpyour child follow through.

If there is still a problem, you may decide to startagain with Step 1 of CHOICES or use another skill.Stay calm and focused on the issue to reduce anyanger, annoyance, or frustration you or your childmay feel.

Summary

CHOICES is used when parents are willing to lettheir children make decisions within reasonablelimits.

Suggested Reading

Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs withVicki Stoltz (New York: Plume, 1992) has severalchapters that relate to the understanding ofCHOICES as interpreted in PSWS. Of particularnote are “Show Respect for the Child” (Chapter8), “Win Cooperation” (Chapter 14), “StimulateIndependence” (Chapter 23), and “FollowThrough—Be Consistent” (Chapter 29). “Win Co-operation” expands the idea of shared responsibil-ity and the importance of each family member.“Stimulate Independence” encourages parents“never to do for a child what he can do for him-self” (p. 193). Dreikurs includes examples forchildren of all ages.

Michael H. Popkin, Active Parenting Today

(Atlanta: Active Parenting Today Publishers,1993), includes a five-step process for solvingproblems in groups that follows the concept ofCHOICES used here. Chapter 6, “Active Parentingin a Democratic Society,” introduces familymeetings. Among the ground rules for conductingproblem-solving discussions are that “everyperson has equal voice, everyone may share whatshe thinks and feels about each issue, decisionsare made by consensus, all decisions are in effect

until the next meeting, some decisions are re-served for the parents to make” (pp. 148–49).

Donald Dinkmeyer and Gary D. McKay, System-

atic Training for Effective Parenting: The

Parent’s Handbook (Circle Pines, Minn.: Ameri-can Guidance Service, 1989), in Chapter 8, alsoadvocates family meetings. In Chapter 5, “Com-munication: Exploring Alternatives and Express-ing Your Ideas and Feelings to Children,” a six-step plan for “exploring alternatives” is outlined,including a final step, “plan a time for evaluation(‘How long will you do this?’ ‘When shall wediscuss this again?’) (pp. 61–62).

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SELF-CONTROLThe Fourth Skill

1. Pay attention to body messages telling you thatyou are about to lose control.




Outcomes

Children learn by example how to handle theirfeelings.

Parents learn to manage their response to strongemotions.

Key Ideas

When parents effectively handle their own emo-tions they teach their children to do the same.The way parents choose to handle themselves inexplosive situations models ways for their chil-dren to behave when angry or upset. SELF-CONTROL is something all parents need.

SELF-CONTROL is a skill to help parents avoidacting hurtfully toward their children. By gainingself-control before deciding how to act with theirchildren, parents can interact with their childrenin helpful ways, even during stressful moments.

A person is more likely to lose self-control if life isgenerally stressful. Family problems, an unhealthycommunity environment, poverty, and poor healthare examples of problems that contribute tounderlying stress. Misbehavior on the part ofchildren may simply be the factor that causes theparent to lose self-control.

People give up their ability to exercise self-controlwhen they use alcohol or drugs. Alcohol and drugabuse are issues that must be addressed directly,separate from parenting skills. A person abusingalcohol or drugs will not be able to use SELF-CONTROL or any other parenting skill effectively.

Using SELF-CONTROL will help parents stopbefore acting impulsively. As adults become moreaware of the early signs of frustration, they beginto slow down their first response and think aboutalternatives to unconstrained behavior while

planning a more rational response. The SELF-CONTROL skill is intended to help parents under-stand the effect emotions have on the body andbecome aware of their personal signs of increasingagitation.

Anger is a basic emotion everyone can under-stand. People can learn how to act on their angerwithout hurting themselves or others. Uncon-trolled anger cannot be used as a justification forblaming others or for saying or doing things thathurt other people. Anger has many purposes; oneis to promote action. Anger that incites destruc-tive action is never right; anger or frustration thatcreates a new attitude, new action, or new para-digm has accomplished something valuable.

Accepting feelings as natural and human isimportant. Accepting responsibility for our actionsis important.

Skill Steps

1. Pay attention to body messages telling youthat you are about to lose control.

Intense emotions change body chemistry. Bodiescan be like volcanoes in which pressure builds andthen explodes. Without self-control an explosionmay occur before you know it. When a participantsays, “I know I’ve lost it when my fist hits thewall!” facilitators can help him or her identifysignals that preceded the explosive behavior.Parents may notice that their jaws tighten or theygrit their teeth. Some may feel stomach musclestense or notice changes in their voices. Some maywring their hands or make a fist.

Certain situations are pressure cookers—someoneyelling at you, your children being uncooperativelate at night, or being late for an appointment.These difficult times may trigger explosive reac-tions. Everyone has some personal signals. It isimportant to learn your own and pay attention tothem. The better you become at recognizing thesebody messages early, the easier it is to respondeffectively in tough situations.


When your body messages send you a warning,having a plan helps you calm down and regaincontrol. Planning ahead can relieve feelings of

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our anger the right way?” and “How can we act onanger?” Action before losing control is recom-mended, and three simple ideas are suggested—try to change what is happening and tell yourchild what you expect in a quiet but firm way;think about what made you angry and decide if itis really that important; change what you want bytalking together and discussing other choices.This chapter also examines the reasons forchildren’s behavior and includes ideas on helpingchildren use their anger that are useful for parentswho wish to adapt this skill for use by theirchildren.



Parent’s Handbook (Circle Pines, Minn.: Ameri-can Guidance Service, 1989), Chapter 2, “Under-standing More about Your Child and about Your-self as a Parent,” and Chapter 9, “DevelopingConfidence and Using Your Potential,” are rel-evant to this skill. “Parents often become annoyedand angry with children because the children willnot do what the parents want them to. Onceparents decide they do not need to be controlling(that they can set limits and let the childrendecide and learn from the consequences), thenthere is no purpose for becoming annoyed andangry. Children learn to use their emotions . . .[although they] are often not aware of theirpurposes. Once parents recognize how childrencan use emotions to manipulate adults, they are ina position to influence their children by refrainingfrom reacting when children try to use emotionsto manipulate them . . . becoming responsible forone’s own emotions is a necessary part of growingup” (pp. 21–22).

Chapter 9 of the same book provides constructivealternatives to self-defeating beliefs that mayprevent parents from feeling comfortable sharingdecision making or setting appropriate boundariesfor their children. Examples of constructivealternatives include “I’ll try to change the things Ican control and accept the things I have nocontrol over”; “I will do [what] makes me moreself-confident and my children more responsible”;“I am more interested in improving my relation-ships [with my children] than I am in perfection”(p. 121).

being trapped and lessen feelings of frustration orhelplessness.

Ideas for SELF-CONTROL fall in two categories—ways to control yourself without leaving thesituation and ways to control yourself when youcan leave. For example, when you cannot leave,you can count to ten, take several deep breaths,talk to yourself, and remind yourself that you areokay. When you can get away, you might chooseto talk the problem out with a trusted friend, finda quiet place, listen to music, or go for a walk.


Different circumstances dictate different choices.The importance of this step is to take time tochoose and not to react before thinking. It maytake a while to calm down. You may decide totake a break and say, “I am too upset to handlethis right now. I will come back when I feel calm.”Then when you are calm, come back and beginStep 4.


Once you are ready, you can think about theother skills you have learned and how they couldapply to the situation. For example, you mightuse CHOICES, talk about the problem, thinkabout why you get upset or what you would liketo see happen, or listen to your child explain herideas. This process may help resolve a situationthat seems hard to handle on your own or onethat requires your child’s cooperation to solve.

Sometimes listening to the other person andunderstanding how he or she feels can help youunderstand that person’s behavior and thuslessen your feelings of anger.

Summary

SELF-CONTROL is the skill you use when younotice body messages that tell you you could losecontrol.

Suggested Reading

The third chapter of Michael Popkin’s Active

Parenting Today (Atlanta: Active ParentingToday Publishers, 1993), “Understanding YourChild,” discusses the questions, “How can we use

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The primary source for the SELF-CONTROL skillin Parenting Skills Workshops is Arnold P.Goldstein, Harold Keller, and Diane Erné, Chang-

ing the Abusive Parent (Champaign, Ill.: Re-search Press, 1985). Goldstein cites research onchild abuse or neglect showing that children’sbehavior is a trigger for parental anger and viceversa. One study showed that with “a reduction oftotal parental aversive behavior and an increase inparental prosocial behaviors (e.g., attention tochild and approval), the abused children alsoshowed an increase in prosocial and a decrease inaversive behavior” (pp. 32–33).

RESPECTING FEELINGSThe Fifth Skill

1. Watch and listen to your child.

2. Think of a word that describes what your childmight be feeling.



Outcomes

Children accept and understand their own feel-ings.

Parents understand and accept that children havea wide variety of feelings.

Parents show that they respect their children’sfeelings.

Key Ideas

RESPECTING FEELINGS is an empathy-buildingskill. It helps people acknowledge that everyonehas feelings, usually a wide range of them. Some-times these feelings are so strong they becomeconfusing or overwhelming. Usually it helps to talkabout these emotions with another person whowill listen respectfully. RESPECTING FEELINGSis a skill to practice giving attention to anotherperson and listening for feelings.

A parent can help a child learn to understand theimportance of her or his feelings by using thisskill. Taking time to listen to a child does notrequire that you agree with him. It does requirethat you accept the child’s right to have feelings,even when they are different from yours. Becausethere is a connection between how children feeland how they behave, it is important to watchthem interacting with others and acting on theirown.

Some parents have difficulty separating the waythey themselves feel from what their children aretelling them. The challenge in this skill is forparents to put aside their own feelings and listencarefully to hear how the child is feeling.

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RESPECTING FEELINGS is a “reflecting” skill.Think of yourself as a mirror, helping your childunderstand himself and his emotions more clearly.

RESPECTING FEELINGS gives children thechance to think out loud. It teaches children torespect themselves and to respect the feelings ofothers. It acknowledges the importance of theirfeelings, their right to these feelings, and theirvalue as human beings.

Parents may also find that this skill helps thembecome more comfortable with and responsiblefor their own emotions.

Steps


Pay attention to the child, his or her actions andwords and body language. Notice the child’s faceand listen to the sound of the voice. Actions maytell you more than words about how your childfeels. Look for clues that tell you about feelings. Ifyour child finds excuses not to go to school, hasmorning stomachaches, or will not talk about theschool day but complains about the teacher,something is wrong.

2. Think of a word that describes what yourchild might be feeling.

A child who says, “I’m never going back to schoolagain,” may be angry, scared, or embarrassed.RESPECTING FEELINGS is learning to name thefeeling, recognizing the emotion (shame, unhappi-ness, or loneliness) hidden behind the anger orfrustration. One child who is feeling discouragedor scared may bully other children while anotherdiscouraged or scared child may act shy and quiet.


Figuring out why children have particular feelingsrequires detective work. Follow your hunches.Think how you would feel if the teacher seemedto be picking on you. Think how you felt whensomething similar happened to you. Think of theway your child handles similar situations.

Try to remember how it felt to be the age of yourchild. Every age has its special challenges, and

each child deals with growing up in his or her ownspecial way.


You can use words to show understanding (“I seehow angry you are right now”) or seek agreement(“Sounds like you are really disappointed becauseyou wanted Billy to come over after school. Is thatright?”).

Don’t expect to guess the right feeling every time.Sometimes a child will be so upset that nothingyou say will be helpful or right. At those times justbeing there to listen is all that is needed. Sittingwith a child or giving a hug or a pat on the backcommunicates caring concern. This quiet supportis an important step in the process of building arelationship, understanding a problem, or figuringout what to do next.

RESPECTING FEELINGS is not intended to be aproblem-solving skill. Giving children the opportu-nity to talk about strong emotions clears the airbefore making a plan to handle the distress.

Summary

RESPECTING FEELINGS is a skill you use whenyou notice your child has strong emotions.

Suggested Readings



Parent’s Handbook (Circle Pines, Minn.: Ameri-can Guidance Service, 1989), Chapter 2, “Under-standing More about Your Child and about Your-self as a Parent,” is a good review of the impor-tance of the power of emotions. Chapter 4, “Com-munication: How to Listen to Your Child,” is athorough discussion of the roles parents play andincludes some tips for using reflective listening.This chapter includes a list of words for “reflecting‘upset’ feelings” and for “reflecting ‘happy’ feel-ings” (p. 52).

Thomas Gordon, Parent Effectiveness Training

(New York: Plume, 1985), includes two extensivechapters on active listening skills. Chapter 3,“How to Talk So Kids Will Talk to You: The Lan-guage of Acceptance,” underscores the impor-tance a simple act like listening attentively can

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have on another person. The value of nonverbalcommunication is stressed. Examples of commonbarriers to communication are explained. RE-SPECTING FEELINGS is much like the “dooropeners” described here as “invitations to talk.”Chapter 4, “Putting Your Active Listening Skill toWork,” includes dialogue demonstrating this moreelaborate parenting technique.

“Winning Cooperation,” Chapter 6 of Active

Parenting Today by Michael H. Popkin (Atlanta:Active Parenting Today Publishers, 1993), incor-porates similar information on communicationtechniques, giving special consideration to “com-munication blocks” that inhibit respectful commu-nication. This chapter also reminds readers thatthe way we say something can be as important aswhat we say. A mixed message can be confusingto a child (p. 123). “Active Communication” isdefined with five steps and some helpful tips,which can apply to RESPECTING FEELINGS—keep your own talk to a minimum; give full atten-tion to the child; acknowledge what you arehearing; and listen with empathy (“the art ofsharing another person’s feelings”) (p. 125).

Rudolf Dreikurs with Vicki Stoltz, Children: The

Challenge (New York: Plume, 1992), contains twoshort chapters relevant to the RESPECTINGFEELINGS skill. Chapter 31, “Listen!” reinforcesthe idea that “children are very adept at sizing upsituations. They do have intelligent solutions tooffer. They even have a different perspectivewhich we could use to our advantage” (p. 263).Chapter 32, “Watch Your Tone of Voice,” reiter-ates the importance of paying attention to howyou convey your message.

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Chapter 2

STRUCTUREDLEARNING

he teaching method used in theParenting Skills Workshop Series isbased on the structured learning ap-

of the skill, when and why to use it, and whatbenefits to expect. Each workshop participantthinks of a situation in his or her own experiencein which the skill can be used. Facilitators recordthese situations on newsprint for use later in themeeting. A facilitator then presents the posterdescribing the skill and explains each step forusing the skill.

Modeling the Skill (ModelingDisplay)

The modeling display, presented by facilitatorsafter they have introduced a skill, is a brief roleplay demonstrating the use of the skill by depict-ing the behavioral steps. The steps are portrayedin the correct order in each vignette. The outcomeof modeling displays is always positive for bothparent and child. The most powerful influencefacilitators can have is to show how use of a skillcan develop a cooperative relationship betweenparents and children. Careful planning andpractice prepare facilitators to present a modelingdisplay in which the content is relevant to partici-pants, clearly demonstrates the skill, and offers anoutcome parents can believe in.

Practicing the Skill (Role Play)

Practice is the key strategy in teaching parents touse the new skill. Participants work with theirown real-life situation and, with the help of othergroup members, experience success by roleplaying a positive resolution for that situation.Facilitators assist as needed to help participantsovercome reluctance to role playing. Practicing inthe group gives each participant a positive,concrete experience with each skill.

Tproach presented by Arnold Goldstein in his booksand workshops. In Changing the Abusive Parent

by Goldstein, Harold Keller, and Diane Erne(Champaign, Ill.: Research Press, 1985), theauthors argue that abusive parents have a learningdeficit because as children they had inadequatemodeling of effective child management skills.Structured learning aims to replace impulsivebehavior with structured behavior so as to develophealthy social habits. The structured learningstrategy for participants who respond best toapplied teaching methods, combined with thesimplicity of presentation for facilitators, are corequalities of the program. Once facilitators arefamiliar with the teaching method, they can useplanning time to prepare and practice modelingdisplays and develop the cofacilitator skillsneeded to build rapport with the group.

As used in the Parenting Skills Workshop Series,structured learning consists of five components:presenting the skill, modeling the skill, practicingthe skill, performance feedback, and transfertraining. These five components delineate a“hands-on” teaching strategy that is used intu-itively by people in everyday situations. Twofacilitators lead each workshop in a series andtogether teach each skill using the followingformat.

Presenting the Skill

Facilitators introduce each skill by naming it,noting when it might be used, and describing theresults of its use for parents and children. Groupdiscussion is encouraged to clarify understanding

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Performance Feedback (FriendlyCoaching)

Feedback for performers after role plays is givenby program participants as well as by facilitators.Each participant is assigned to observe specificsteps of the skill. After the role play a facilitatorasks the co-actor (the person playing the role ofthe child) how it felt when the actor (the personplaying the role of the parent) used the skill. Thenobservers are asked to describe how the actorcarried out each step. Next the actor is asked howit felt to use the skill. Facilitators offer theircomments and suggestions only after all groupmembers have spoken.

Friendly coaching should be specific and con-structive. Descriptions of what behavior is ob-served and what is effective will be most helpful tothe actor. The friendly coaches are respectful ofthe players, sincere about helping to improve therole play, and tactfully honest. Friendly coachingis an empowering process because it gives thegroup responsibility for helping its membersachieve success. Appropriate, successful use ofthe skill is reinforced for all participants duringthe coaching process.

Transfer Training (Homework)

Skill transfer is the process by which a parentbegins to use the newly learned skill in real-lifesituations. Homework assignments are the keystrategy by which facilitators can encourage groupparticipants to try the skills outside of class.Facilitators set clear expectations and do every-thing possible to encourage and motivate parentsto use the skills at home. At the beginning of thenext meeting each participant describes his or herefforts to use the skills learned the previous week,and class members and facilitators offer friendlycoaching.

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Chapter 3

EMPOWERMENT

ur understanding of empowerment isinformed by the Family Matters Projectof Cornell University, our experiencesO The Parenting Skills Workshop Series is designed

to establish an environment in which participantsfeel valued and encouraged. Providing parentswith skills and knowledge and creating opportu-nity for them to develop more positive percep-tions of themselves will help them take responsi-bility for the choices they make as parents.

working with parents and facilitators in ParentingSkills Workshops, and our efforts to define amutual understanding of empowerment withcolleagues who work with families. Empowermentis summarized in the following quotation fromCommunication for Empowerment (FamilyMatters Project, Cornell University):

“The empowerment process begins with creatingpositive change in individuals’ perceptions ofthemselves. For this change to occur, individualsmust recognize that they have gained knowledgefrom their own life experiences, must developskills to act on their own behalf, and must acquireknowledge about themselves and their environ-ment. This combination of a positive self-imageand the skills and knowledge to deal more effec-tively with one’s environment increases a person’ssense of control over the environment and thusher or his ability to effect change within it. Theemphasis is on encouraging cooperative actionrather than increasing the personal power ofindividuals at the expense of others.”

At the core of our approach to familiesare the following beliefs:

All families have strengths.

Parents should be recognized as experts on theirchildren.

Parenting education can have positive outcomes.

A variety of family forms can promote the devel-opment of healthy children and healthy adults.

Cultural differences are valid and valuable.

Chapter 4

A GUIDE TOFACILITATINGWORKSHOPS

his chapter is designed to provide anintroduction to the general techniques forleading Parenting Skills Workshops.

plays, one facilitator can work with the actors andthe other can work with the observers. Facilitatorsare role models for group members, sharingresponsibility and providing mutual support. Asyou plan and present the workshops, use the skillsand attitudes that you are trying to teach withyour cofacilitator.

The outlines for the workshop sessions do notspecify how to divide responsibilities between thetwo facilitators. Plan ahead so that presentationsare divided more or less equally between the twoof you. Discover your strong points and let each ofyou do the work that you do best. For example,some facilitators are good at presenting ideasclearly and concisely while others may have aknack for tuning in to the feelings and needs ofparticipants. Some participants may look primarilyto one or the other facilitator as a guide or rolemodel. Thus it is helpful, though not necessary,for one facilitator to be female and the other male.

The outlines also do not specify time limits foreach segment. Classes are typically two hourslong, and the break should come near the middle.Part of learning to work together as cofacilitatorsis managing the timing of the segments. This ismade easier because the structure of the sessionsfollows a general pattern. Allow as much time forpracticing the skills as possible.

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TFacilitators may find these workshops differentfrom other methods of teaching or human servicework. The structured learning model or theempowerment approach may be new. Or this maybe the first time you have been asked to teachparticipants who are angry about interventions intheir lives and are resistant to anything that lookslike a traditional classroom setting. In this chapterwe will provide some tips on how to engageparticipants in the learning process. These tipsare based on the assumption that all parentsstruggle with questions of how to raise theirchildren and most are open to new ideas on thesubject if these ideas are presented as possibilitiesrather than requirements. The five skills provideanswers to some important dilemmas in parenting.The first challenge is to get participants to voicequestions that are important to them. If facilita-tors can get participants to do this, the skills willhelp provide answers.

The Facilitator Team

The Parenting Skills Workshop Series is designedto be led by two facilitators. Two people areneeded for modeling displays, to work withsubgroups of participants, and to provide indi-vidual attention when necessary. During role

Tips for Facilitators

Keep lists of the situations participants

present. You may refer back to these later in theseries, and they will help you better understandthe problems and needs of the parents you areworking with. They will also provide material forfuture modeling displays.

To establish a working relationship with

participants you will need to present your-

self as a real person—a parent (or partner orfriend) who struggles with relationships just asthe participants do. Balancing the roles of teacher,role model, and fellow struggler can be difficult. Ifyou bring your own real-life situations into yourrole plays, choose situations and issues that youhave resolved to a reasonable degree. This pro-tects you from getting hurt, but it also allowsparticipants to feel hopeful that problems can besolved. It also keeps the focus on the issues ofgroup members rather than on your own issues.

Each week you will ask participants to

practice the skills at home, and you willpromise to practice too so your family will partici-pate to some degree in your teaching of the class.Talk this over with family members. Hopefully itwill be an enjoyable learning experience for all ofyou.

When modeling displays are fictional it is

best to use made-up names rather than yourown or your children’s names, although somefacilitators don’t mind using real names if thesituation is closely based on a real incident.

Plan to enjoy yourself. Parents are interestingpeople with much to say. Many of the situationsthey present are amusing, and laughter is fine aslong as it is not at anyone’s expense.

Working with the Group

An underlying assumption of the Parenting SkillsWorkshop Series is that the group communicationprocess is as important as the content of theclasses. Facilitators are also learners, bringinginformation and skills while drawing on theexperience of participants with their children.Parents are motivated when they are listened toand respected. Participants consistently describehow much they value encouragement from

facilitators and how much they learn from otherparents. Because some parents will have madeserious mistakes with their children, it may behard at first to discover their hidden strengths. Allparents do have strengths, and most would like tobe effective, loving parents. As the classprogresses and parents begin to talk to you and toeach other it becomes easier to recognize andencourage their strengths.

Facilitators of effective PSWS groups maintain adelicate balance between two functions—estab-lishing supportive relationships among all mem-bers and teaching the skills. Participants bringtheir personal values, perspectives, and biases tothe group and need time to build trust with eachother and the facilitators. If ideas conflict, guid-ance will be needed to reach a solution everyonecan support. Tasks to be completed must beclearly defined, and all members must reach acommon understanding and acceptance of theirpurpose. But if excessive time is spent on groupissues, participants will not have adequate time toobserve and practice the five skills.

Tips for Working with the Group

Avoid taking the role of expert. When partici-pants bring up questions or problems, allow othergroup members to present ideas and solutions.

Present yourself as a person who, like the

participants, is trying to find the best way to

relate to your children. If you are not a parent,you can still present yourself as someone who istrying to find the best way to relate to childrenand people in general. Parents will benefit fromhearing that you have challenges and use the fiveskills to meet them, but you must keep the focuson the issues presented by group members.

Focus on what parents are doing right ratherthan what they are doing wrong. This means usingthe ENCOURAGEMENT skill, and it is a funda-mental tool for working with the group.

Involve all group members in discussions.

Find respectful ways to draw out more reservedparticipants and enable the most talkative ones tohold back and listen to what others have to say.

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Use closing circles at the end of each session

as a tool for building group solidarity. At theend of each session, participants respond to astatement, for example, “how I want my child tothink of me.” A facilitator speaks first, then asksthe person on his or her right (or left) to speak.Each participant speaks in turn, proceedingaround the circle and including the second facili-tator. Closing circles allow participants to identifyand acknowledge their own and others’ strengths.

Read all written material aloud. These work-shops are intended to include parents who do notread. When a skill is presented, a poster is showndetailing the four steps that make up the skill. Sayand point to the name of the skill and read thesteps aloud. This gives the information to partici-pants who do not read and will help all partici-pants memorize the skill by combining oral andvisual presentation. Always read skill steps exactlyas they are written. You may, of course, explain oramplify them after you have read them, but readstraight through each skill as often as possibleduring the course of the workshop.

Whenever you write something down, let

participants see what you are writing. Usenewsprint to record statements by participants.Do not take private notes during the session.Many participants have reason to be suspicious ofothers, and they will worry about what you arewriting.

Use the parenting skills CAN DO, CHOICES,

and RESPECTING FEELINGS with partici-

pants, as well as ENCOURAGEMENT. Theywill gain trust and confidence and will learn totake risks.

Study other resources on group facilitation

skills. In this manual we focus primarily on thetechniques needed to teach using the structuredlearning model. Communication for Empower-

ment by Virginia Vanderslice with FlorenceCherry, Moncrieff Cochran, and Christiann Dean(Ithaca: Cornell Cooperative Extension, n.d.) is anexcellent resource.

Giving Instructions

For structured learning to be successful, classparticipants need clear instructions. They need toknow what behavior is expected of them and theyneed to know the framework for each activity.Instructions should be presented in such a waythat people are invited rather than ordered toparticipate in an activity, yet at the same timefacilitators should maintain the expectation thateveryone will participate.

Tips for Giving Instructions

Before giving instructions be sure that you

understand the goal and the process of the

activity. Describe the goal of the activity beforegiving the specific instructions on how to do it.

Give only one or two instructions at a time.

After they have been followed, give the next.

It can be helpful to give a general time frame

for each activity, as, for example: “We’ll takefifteen minutes to talk about how you used CANDO during the past week, then we’ll introduce anew skill called CHOICES.”

The Modeling Display

Good modeling displays are a key to successfultraining. They must illustrate the skill in a clearway, and they must always end successfully.Although some facilitators like the spontaneity ofimprovised modeling displays, we strongly recom-mend that you take time before each session toprepare your modeling display. If your modelingdisplay doesn’t work perfectly the first time,however, you can always regroup and do it again.You’re not perfect, and it can help parents to seethat they don’t have to be perfect either.

Tips for Modeling Displays

Keep your initial presentation simple and

clear. Avoid confusing the participants withbackground information and finer points. Thesewill be addressed during the role plays and thequestions that follow. The formula, “[Skill name] isa skill you use when . . .” is the best way to intro-duce the skill. Give some examples, then ask thegroup for situations in which to use the skill.

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Many good modeling displays come from the

facilitators’ experience. If you are not a parentyou may need to borrow situations or make themup. We recommend saving lists of situationscontributed by group members to provide youwith material for future modeling displays. If youuse a real-life situation, you may need to change itto make it simpler or more clear-cut. Of course,you should change names and other details toprotect the confidentiality of participants.

Briefly describe the child before starting themodeling display. Include the child’s age (andgender if not clear from the name), as well assome physical description and personality traits.For example, “Lewis is big for his age. He is veryself-conscious and doesn’t usually show hisfeelings.”

Take time before starting the action to

describe the setting. Help participants visualizethe dining room table or the location of thekitchen sink. Choose a setting they can relate to.If most parents in the group live in trailer parks,don’t set your role play in a large suburban home.

Be sure to act out the “thinking steps.”

Many of the skill steps require thinking aboutsomething rather than actually doing something.When you are acting out a thinking step, turn tothe group and tell them your thoughts. “Hmm . . .I notice that Jamal is really good at being nice tohis little sister. I feel happy about that.” (Turn toyour co-actor.) “Jamal, you really tried to helpKeesha feel better when she bumped her nose.”(Turn back to the group.) “He seems surprisedthat I complimented him.”

A good modeling display balances realism

and simplicity. The facilitator playing the childshould not make it too easy for the facilitator whois playing the parent, but don’t continue difficultbehavior for so long that the structure of the roleplay becomes muddled. The outcome must beclearly positive: that is, the child should becomehappily engaged in the alternative behavior.

Leading Participants in Role Plays

Role playing is the key strategy for teachingparents to use new skills. Acting out a situationhelps parents prepare to respond to similar

situations in real life. Role plays are empoweringbecause they encourage participants to drawdirectly on their own experiences and to deviseresolutions to their own dilemmas.

Many first-time facilitators worry that participantswill resist role playing. Some parents are shyabout doing it, but others are relieved that theycan play-act instead of sitting and listening to youlecture. If you are successful in building rapportamong group members, the eager ones will helpthe others become role players.

The first step in conducting role plays is to selectrole players. At first some members will be reluc-tant. Make a guess as to which participant is mostready and ask him or her to choose a partner andenact the situation he or she presented during thefirst part of the session. When telling the groupwhich role play you wish to start with, talk aboutthe situation rather than the person. “Dale, I likedthe story about Billy agreeing to let his youngerbrother have the coat that was too small for him.Do you see someone here who could play the partof Billy?”

Role plays are preparation for real life. Askparticipants to imagine using the skills with theirown children in their own home. Take time beforerole plays to have the actor describe the settingand the personalities. Let the actor and co-actorwork together to create a convincing portrayal ofthe child.

Participants usually have difficulty acting out thethinking steps. They will tend to skip to the actionsteps. Although there is some benefit to thisbecause the role play feels and seems morerealistic, it is important for participants to learn toinclude the thinking steps. Allow the players tofinish and go through the performance feedbackprocess as outlined later in this chapter. Perfor-mance feedback, called “friendly coaching” inPSWS, is given by participants who act as observ-ers (friendly coaches) during the role play.Usually the observers will point out steps that aremissing. If not, facilitators should do so and askthe players to repeat the role play. The actor willusually find it easier to do the thinking steps if heor she turns to the friendly coach who is assignedto watch for the particular step and says thewords directly to him or her. This also allows the

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friendly coach to offer moral support in the formof eye contact.

Tips for Conducting Successful RolePlays

Clearly state the purpose. Role plays are a wayto learn and practice new skills, not a talentshowcase.

Acknowledge that people may feel silly and

awkward doing role playing. Get the group toagree that no one will criticize.

Allow time and provide assistance in prepar-

ing the role plays. It can be helpful if onefacilitator takes players outside or to one side ofthe room. Help the actor describe the situationand the child for the co-actor. Establish the moodand help the actor decide how to do each step.While this is going on the other facilitator canassign skill steps to the remaining parents so theycan do friendly coaching and the facilitator canlead a continuing discussion of the skill.

Getting to choose a role-playing partner is

one of the rewards of agreeing to be the

primary actor. You can suggest that the roleplayer choose someone who has a personality or aphysical trait reminiscent of the child. Men areallowed to play girls and women are allowed toplay boys.

Many parents find it much easier to play the

role of a child than that of a parent. Manypeople slip easily into childish behaviors and canproduce astoundingly good imitations of children.Also, some parents find it easier to stand in foranother parent than to play themselves becausethere is more pressure and stress when dealingwith a real situation of their own.

If a parent is extremely shy but has gainedtrust in a facilitator or another participant, havethe two people go to a corner or another room, dothe role play, and report back to the group.

As an intermediate step, ask participants to

coach a “stand-in,” someone who will play theirrole for them. This allows them to be involvedwithout being on stage. Parents may be willing toact out the role play from their seats if they aretoo shy to stand in front of the group.

Observe group dynamics and take advantage ofopportunities that arise from discussions andinteractions among participants.

Help participants choose situations that are

not complicated. Sometimes they may be able tobreak a complicated situation into parts and focuson one particular incident or aspect. The bestsituations are ones that parents deal with on adaily basis such as getting children ready forschool.

Some parents may have trouble thinking of

anything their children do well. Acknowledgetheir discouragement (the RESPECTING FEEL-INGS skill) but help them come up with one smallpositive attribute or behavior. Sometimes otherparticipants will provide encouragement orsuggestions.

Keep track of how many times each partici-

pant plays the role of parent. Set a goal ofhaving all participants take the role of parent atleast twice during the course of the group, but beflexible. Try to strike a balance between having afew participants dominate the role playing andforcing others to act before they are ready.

Keep role plays on track and expect parents totake their efforts seriously but be lighthearted too.Allow humor to develop around the absurddilemmas parents face but never permit laughterat a participant’s serious efforts to do a role playor use a skill.

The role plays will be as strong as the group.

Not every group can be great, but your efforts tobuild trust, solidarity, and friendship within thegroup will pay off in better role plays. The bestsupport and the best coaching often come fromfellow participants rather than facilitators.

Conducting Performance Feedback(Friendly Coaching)

Friendly coaching is the tool used in ParentingSkills Workshops to help participants evaluatetheir ability to use the skills. Before a role playbegins, a facilitator asks each observer to becomea friendly coach by noticing exactly how the actorperforms a particular skill step. Thus if there areseven observers, two might be assigned to Step 1,two to Step 2, two to Step 3, and one to Step 4. All

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observers should be included in the coachingprocess. Friendly coaching is an empoweringprocess through which participants gain masteryand competence by helping each other use theskills successfully in role plays. When introducingfriendly coaching, emphasize the helping aspect.Often role plays generate a discussion aboutwhich skill is most appropriate in a given situa-tion, and participants improve their ability to usethe skills effectively when they are able to teachothers.

A facilitator begins the coaching process with theco-actor. “How did it feel when Dale used theENCOURAGEMENT skill?” If the actor used theskill well, chances are the co-actor had somepositive feelings. This information helps “sell” theskill to the actor and the rest of the group. If theactor did not use the skill well and the co-actordid not experience a positive feeling, furthercoaching will help the actor repeat the role playwith a more successful result.

Next, the facilitator turns to the first observer.“How did Dale do Step 1?” Ask the observer whatwords Dale used. If the observer has difficulty,allow other members to help but encourage themto talk with the observer rather than directly toyou. This way the observer can get credit for theideas. The actor may skip directly to an actionstep. If so, the observer will have nothing to reportand the problem will become evident. Continuethis process until all the observers have spoken.Then ask the actor to self-evaluate. Did he or shethink about all the steps? How does he or she feelabout the outcome?

Friendly coaching from the facilitators should belast and least. Your role is primarily to direct andmoderate the coaching process to make sure thatit is helpful rather than discouraging for the actor.If the role play was not successful, it may behelpful to ask the actor to do it again. Providesuggestions and assistance if needed. Don’t forcea confused, frustrated participant to go on.

Friendly coaching is intended to be constructiveand specific. Descriptions of what is observed andwhat is most effective will be most helpful. Facili-tators must be sure that each role play clearlydemonstrates the steps for each skill. One or moreparticipants are asked to observe for each step

and note if the step was performed, how it wasperformed, and what happened when it wasperformed. Friendly coaching will be constructiveif coaches are respectful of the actors, sincereabout helping improve the role play, and tactfullyhonest.

Skill Transfer (Homework)

The most important and the most challenging taskin leading a Parenting Skills Workshop Series isgetting the parents to practice at home. For this tohappen, parents must learn the skills well enoughto remember them when they need them, and theymust have a clear idea of when it is appropriate touse them. The first goal is accomplished by thestructured learning format, which breaks the skillsdown into steps that are easy to remember. Thesecond goal is accomplished by having parentsspend time in class talking about situations inwhich they can use the skills. Nothing will happen,however, unless parents are excited by the skillsand have developed some confidence in theirability to be successful with their children. This isaccomplished by having facilitators use the EN-COURAGEMENT skill with participants.

Tips for Helping Parents Practice

Review the steps to the skills as often as you

can during the course of the sessions. Point tothe poster and have participants read (or recollectif they are not readers) along with you.

Be sure participants have the skill steps on

display in their homes. At the end of eachsession distribute “refrigerator sheets,” which aresmall posters that give the name and the four stepsfor the skill that has been presented. When yougive out these sheets, repeat the skill steps severaltimes to help participants (especially nonreaders)memorize them. You can suggest that participantsmake a mark on the refrigerator sheet each timethey use a skill.

Have participants talk with their children

about the skills. They may want to get theirchildren actively involved in helping them practicethe skills. Note that parenting skills are used “with”children, not “on” children. They are not tricksdesigned to get children to do what you want. They

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are ways to help parent and child live togethercomfortably so it is natural for parents and childrento practice them together. It is a real bonus ifchildren learn to use them too!

Facilitators should also agree to practice the skillsand tell about a time when they used each skill atthe next meeting.

Give positive reinforcement for all efforts to

use the skill even when the efforts are unsuc-

cessful. If parents did not attempt to use the skillduring the week, find out why and work with themto overcome the barriers. This may require indi-vidual discussion after the class. If parents refuse totry to practice the skills at home or are truly unableto do so, they will not get the full benefit of theclass so you may want to give them a choice as towhether to continue.

Some Barriers to Practicing

They lost the skill sheet or forgot to put it on therefrigerator.

Their children are in foster care.

They tried but it didn’t work.

Their partner doesn’t want them to.

Their kids don’t want them to.

Changing something as basic as parenting style isdifficult for any of us, especially when life is stress-ful. Participants will need all the patience andencouragement you can give them. Notice anyeffort they have made and comment on it. Empha-size that they are working on changing themselves,not their children, so they should not worry if theirchildren don’t respond positively to their use of theskill. Invite group members to follow your exampleby offering encouragement and assistance to thosewho are having difficulty.

Leading Discussions

Although the teaching and practice of the five skillsis the purpose of the group, sometimes participantswill need to discuss related issues and concerns. Beaware, though, that there is some force, like grav-ity, that pulls groups into tangential discussions.Resist this force! Keep discussions brief and on thetopic.

Tips for Effective Discussions

When asking questions, make them open-

ended (beginning with the words “what” and“how”) to encourage people to talk about theirthoughts and feelings. Ask one question at a timeand especially avoid following an open-endedquestion with a closed question: “How would youfeel if. . . . Do you remember feeling like that?”

Encourage everyone to participate. Give eachperson a chance during each meeting. Linkcomments that relate what one person has said toa point another person has made or to a skill beingtaught.

Honor people for the risk they take in speak-

ing before a group. Thank them for sharingtheir thoughts.

Sometimes participants bring up issues that

are not relevant to the task at hand. It can behelpful at the beginning of each session to hang asheet of newsprint and label it “The Bin.” In this“bin” you can place questions and topics that youwish to return to at a later time.

Working with Individuals in a GroupContext

Participants assume various roles in a group andoften maintain these roles throughout its life.Many roles are helpful, aiding in teaching the skillsand improving relationships among group mem-bers. But members may adopt roles that hindergroup effectiveness. Understanding and anticipat-ing participants’ self-appointed roles and relatedbehavior will help facilitators ensure that mem-bers make a positive contribution.

Difficult behavior on the part of a participantusually becomes apparent right away, but it isimportant to be aware of participants’ strengths.Some may contribute ideas and suggestions ormay readily volunteer for role plays. Others maytake the risk of sharing their most difficult per-sonal challenges.

The effectiveness of the group is threatened whenmembers assume unhelpful roles. Some parentsmay monopolize discussion by talking at everyopportunity, using valuable time and preventingothers from expressing themselves. Other parents

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have answers for everything, give advice freely,and claim already to be using each skill when it isintroduced. Others object to any new idea. Theymay claim that they have tried the skills and knowthey won’t work with their children. Angry par-ents may express their feelings, often as an asideor under their breath, or they may be completelyunresponsive, positioning themselves away fromthe group. And from time to time parents come toParenting Skills Workshops who are overwhelmedby personal problems that interfere with theirability to benefit from the series.

The best tools for working with difficult parentsare the five parenting skills. Build trust withparticipants by using ENCOURAGEMENT. UseCAN DO to teach them your expectations abouthow behavior in class. Use CHOICES to makethem active partners in the teaching process andto help them learn how to benefit from the class.Use RESPECTING FEELINGS to strengthen yourrelationship with each participant and to helpthem understand their feelings and frustrations.You will need SELF-CONTROL.

Allowing parents to express their needs andfeelings can be helpful but can also take up a lot ofgroup time. Sometimes it is necessary to spendtime with a parent individually before, after, orduring class (while your cofacilitator leads thegroup).

Substance abuse is in a different category fromthe problems mentioned above. It is often anunderlying factor in cases of child abuse andneglect, and you must recognize the possibilitythat a parent may come to class under the influ-ence of alcohol or another drug. Handling partici-pants who are drunk or high requires special skill.It may help to talk with social workers in yourcommunity who work with substance abusers.These problems are easier to handle if you havehad time to develop a relationship with theparticipant. Participants who are drunk or highshould not be allowed to attend workshop ses-sions.

Putting It All Together

We hope that you will find the tips in this chapterhelpful, but of course you will not become amaster facilitator simply by reading this book. Asyou lead more sessions you will develop your ownstyle, learning as you go along. You will be suc-cessful if you consider yourself a part of theworking group rather than above or outside it.Your participants and your cofacilitator will helpyou. They will forgive you and laugh with yourather than at you when you make mistakes. Theywill share in your growth as you share in theirs.

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Chapter 5

WHEN IS HELPNEEDED?

6. Hurting animals with deliberate intent (childrenunder age five may not understand that they areinflicting pain).

7. Stealing.

8. Loneliness (a child who finds it impossible tomake friends).

8. Prolonged sadness, depression, or anger (allchildren have these feelings sometimes. It is causefor concern when they are dominant all the time.)

It is important to remember that many childrenexhibit one or more of these behaviors at somepoint; when problem behaviors become a patternthat is repeated, help may be needed. For ex-ample, it is not unusual for a preschool child totake a desirable item from a store once or eventwice. Usually, if an adult says, firmly and kindly,“You cannot take things from a store withoutpaying for them. Now we will have to return whatyou have taken and tell the store manager howsorry we are that this happened,” children willunderstand that stealing is not allowed and theywill not do it again. If, however, the child contin-ues to steal in spite of these efforts, a chat with aprofessional may be helpful. Similarly, a seven-year-old may find some matches and accidentallystart a fire. Although the consequences of such anact may be serious, if a parent’s explanation andreprimand prevent the child from playing withmatches again, counseling should not be neces-sary. If, however, the child persists in attemptingto start fires, the parents should seek consulta-tion. As a third example, many children gothrough brief periods of time when they do nothave friends, or bully a younger child, or arebullied by another. These children can usually behelped by sensitive, imaginative parents who are

T he Parenting Skills Workshop Series isan educational program, and most facili-tators are not trained as therapists. As a

Parenting Skills Workshop Series facilitator youwill hear from parents about their children’semotional and behavior problems. Some of theseproblems will benefit from, or even require, theattention of a mental health professional. Thischapter provides some guidelines for advisingparents on when to seek professional assistancefrom a family counselor, child psychologist orpsychiatrist, or qualified social worker.

Persistent Behavior Patterns

A persistent pattern of behavior in one or more ofthe following areas may indicate a need forprofessional help.

1. Bullying behavior (either as aggressor or asvictim). Example: children consistently refuseinvitations from Eddy to come over to play. Aparent finally explains to Eddy’s mother that hisson is afraid of Eddy because he wants to fightinstead of play and friends usually get hurt. If hisparents can work out ways for Eddy to play inmore socially acceptable ways, outside help willnot be needed. If they cannot, a professional maybe helpful in repairing what must be a veryunhappy situation for Eddy.

2. Destructive behavior (repeatedly destroyingtheir own or other children’s toys and posses-sions).

3. Inability to distinguish between fantasy andreality after age six.

4. Persistent lying.

5. Setting fires.

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willing to devote time and effort to helping thechild. If, however, parents feel that they havedone everything they can think of and the child’sproblem persists, professional advice may be veryhelpful.

Deviation from a Child’s Usual Behavior

Behavior that is markedly different from thechild’s usual behavior may indicate a need forhelp. When a usually fearless child develops fearsthat persist over time, a usually happy childbecomes sad or depressed for a period of time, ora child behaves in ways that are markedly differ-ent from normal, parents need to pay attention.Sometimes a single event or misadventure causedthe change, and extra attention, explanations, andhelp in developing coping skills will be all that isneeded. But if the behavioral or mood changepersists for a period of weeks, a professional maybe able to provide helpful insights or suggestions.It is difficult to know how long to wait beforelooking for help. Perhaps the image of a toothacheis useful—a few twinges for several days can betreated with over-the-counter medication and await and see attitude. If the tooth aches so persis-tently that the suffering person can think ofnothing else, it is past time to go to the dentist. Soit is with behavioral blips. Every child exhibitssigns of worrisome behavior at one time or an-other. It is the persistence, intensity, and durationof the behavior that indicates the need for help.

Disruptive Behavior

Behavior that disrupts, worries, or significantlyinterferes with the lives of other family membersmay be a reason for consulting a child psycholo-gist or social worker who has training in work withchildren. For example, the Evans family is unableto enjoy a meal together at a restaurant becauseeight-year-old Nina will not stay with them at thetable. She runs around, often screaming anddisturbing other patrons. If this behavior happensonce, it may not be cause for concern, but if, itpersists and the parents are unable to stop it, it isa problem.

Behavior that interferes with a child’s ability tosleep, eat, or interact with others such as thefollowing might require professional attention.

1. At the end of the first six weeks of school Lisais still so afraid of fire drills in her kindergartenthat she does not go to sleep before midnight butlies awake crying and asking anxiously if herparents think there might be a fire drill tomorrow.

2. Tommy (age six) has become so afraid of dogsthat he refuses to play outside. If Tommy’s fearlasts for a week it can be described as a develop-mental blip. If, however, it lasts for a month,outside intervention may be needed.

These guidelines are intended as suggestions only.Behavior that seems problematic in one familymay not cause a problem in another. Families alsodiffer in their abilities to deal with and toleratedifficult behavior by children. Competent profes-sionals understand these differences amongfamilies and will be sympathetic in listening toproblems and thinking through solutions. Abehavior that is difficult for one family may not bean issue for another. As a parent educator, yourrole is to teach parenting skills, not to give adviceabout children’s emotional problems. You can,however, advise parents to seek help and assistthem in doing so.

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his chapter gives adetailed descriptionof how to conduct theT

Chapter 6

THE WORKSHOPS

Preparation

Chairs should be set in a circle with a gapwhere role plays can be enacted. At first,facilitators should sit together to one side ofthe gap but within the circle. Later on it ishelpful for facilitators to separate, minglingwith participants. You will need a largewriting surface. We recommend usingnewsprint and markers instead of a chalk-board because you can save what is writtendown. Save valuable class time by tapingseveral pieces of newsprint to an easel (orthe wall if that is permitted) before theclass begins. If possible, the room should bemade homey by adding a small carpet orother amenities. We suggest offering coffee,tea, juice, and light refreshments. You willalso need refreshments for the children. Insubsequent workshops you will need tohave enough refrigerator sheets (a sheet foreach skill listing its steps) copied to handout at the end of the session. They will beattractive and easy to distinguish if youcopy each skill on a different color of paper.

Welcome

Greet each participant individually. Helpparticipants settle their children with thechild care provider. Give out name tags andhave participants sign the attendance sheet,checking to be sure they include addressesand phone numbers. Help each participantfind a seat in the circle. Encourage peopleto help themselves to refreshments.

eight workshops of theParenting Skills Series. Thefirst week is an introduction tothe series. The following sixweeks concentrate on the fiveskills; SELF-CONTROL isconsidered so important thattwo workshops are devoted toit. The final meeting is areunion for the group to beheld several weeks after theclasses have ended.

Workshop Outline

• Preparation

• Welcome

• Opening circle

• How parentingskills are useful

• What we willcover

• Expectations

• Confidentiality

• How would youteach someone?

• Thinking abouthow childrengrow

• Our parentingroots

• Homework(“Talking withyour child”)

• Closing circle

• After the class

WEEK 1: INTRODUCTORY WORKSHOP

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Opening Circle

Before starting, let people know where to findbathrooms, water fountains, and exits and informthem of your smoking policy. Have participants goaround the circle, sharing their own first name,first names and ages of their children, and some-thing they hope to learn about being a parent.Facilitators should start this process by introduc-ing themselves, being sure to include somethingyou hope to learn. On one sheet of newsprintwrite the first name and age of each child forfuture reference. On a second sheet write whateach participant hopes to learn.

How Parenting Skills Are Useful

The usefulness of parenting skills is illustrated bythe “Toolbox” story. There are two purposes tothis story. One is to let parents know that you arenot planning to take anything away from them butrather to give them new options in addition tothose they are already familiar with. The other isto illustrate that it is important to have a variety ofskills because parents encounter a variety ofproblems.

“Imagine that you live in an apartment and yourlandlord is supposed to take care of all the repairs.He usually doesn’t keep things very well repaired,though, so you buy a toolbox with a hammer andsome nails. Later that week the stairstep on thefront porch gets loose so you get your hammerand nails and nail it back on, which makes you feelpretty good. The next week one of your kitchenchairs comes apart. You probably should screw itback together, but you don’t have a screwdriver soyou nail it back together and it holds, at least forthe time being. Later that week, though, you havea real problem. The water pipe in the bathroomsprings a leak. You go down into the basement toshut off the water but you discover that you needa wrench to turn the valve. By the time yourlandlord arrives, your bathroom and bedroom areflooded.”

Ask participants if they have had any experienceslike this. Explain that parenting skills are liketools. Different skills are needed in differentsituations.

What We Will Cover

“We will teach five parenting skills: ENCOURAGE-MENT, CAN DO, CHOICES, SELF-CONTROL, andRESPECTING FEELINGS. These skills are easy tolearn. Their main purpose is to help you get yourchild to cooperate with you so as to grow up in away you feel good about. For your child to actdifferently, you must act differently. These skillshelp you act in a positive way so your child canalso act in a positive way.

“Starting next week we will teach one skill eachweek, except that we will take two weeks forSELF-CONTROL, which takes lots of practice. Ourfinal class will be a reunion that will take placethree weeks after the seventh class.”

Expectations

Facilitators can start to build trust with partici-pants by explaining that although we will expectcertain things from them they can also expectcertain things from us. For each expectation ofparticipants there is also an expectation forfacilitators.

“Our main ground rule is that each of us

should be considerate and supportive of

others in the group. It will be easier to try newideas and learn new skills if we support eachother, and it will be more fun too!

“Everyone will participate in discussions androle plays. We will make it as easy as possible. It’sokay to make mistakes. We will learn by helpingeach other improve as we go along.

“It is our job as facilitators to make sure everyonegets a fair chance to participate and to make surethat all the information gets presented. We mayneed to cut discussions short at times.

INTRODUCTORY WORKSHOP

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“We will start on time and end on time.

Arrive prepared to learn and do your best.”Explain that it is important to come early if youneed to get your children settled in child care.

“We will take a ten-minute break.” Partici-pants may excuse themselves to go to the bath-room, check on their children, or smoke.

“Attendance is important, and certificates willbe given to all those who attend five or moresessions. Please come prepared to learn and doyour best work.

“Each week we will give you a skill to prac-

tice. We will help you be ready to practice, it andyou will be expected to practice with your chil-dren, your partner, or a friend.”

Many participants have difficulties practicing theskills, for example, if their children are in fostercare. Explain that it is acceptable to use the skillswith a partner or friend and that these are “peopleskills” that can be just as useful with adults aswith children. If participants have ongoing con-cerns about practicing, speak with them individu-ally after the session.

Confidentiality

“Since we will be talking together about familiesand problems, we agree to keep these discussionswithin this room. You will not discuss personalinformation about others in the group, and wewon’t either. There is one exception. If a child isin danger we will call the Child Protection hotline.We will do this only if there is a danger to some-one at the immediate time. We would not report apast incident. If you would like us to report yourattendance or talk with a caseworker about yourprogress in the group we will be happy to do sowith your written permission.”

Even though parents in the class may feel resent-ful toward hotline reports, it is important tomention them. Otherwise parents might rightly

complain that you encouraged them to admit theirproblems, then betrayed their trust by reportingthem.

After presenting your expectations and confiden-tiality policy, be sure that all participants under-stand and accept your statements.

How Would You Teach Someone?

The purpose of this activity is to engage the groupin a role play that shows how learning can takeplace through demonstration and practice. “TheCash Register” is presented as follows:

Ask if anyone has ever made sales using a cashregister. Describe a situation in which the personwho uses a cash register is working in a store andis asked by the manager to teach a new employeehow to handle a sale. Choose a participant to bethe new employee and have the two of them actout the learning experience. Ask the participantwho is taking the role of the instructor, “Howwould you teach [name of person]? What wouldyou do first?” Usually the “instructor” will sponta-neously include most or all of the five elements ofstructured learning—presenting the skill, model-ing, role playing, performance feedback, andtransfer training. For example, a participant mightsay, “Well, first I would show them how to do itand explain how a cash register works, then Iwould let them try it with me. If they screwed up Iwould tell them what they did wrong, then Iwould let them try it with a customer.”

In this idealized scenario the participant includesall five elements of structured learning. This won’thappen every time, but by asking questions or bygetting suggestions from the group you will beable to illuminate all the elements. More impor-tant, participants will already have begun toengage in the role playing and feedback that willbe vital to the success of the group later on. Thisrole play allows parents to get used to the processwithout having to worry about learning a skill.


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Thinking about How Children Grow

Turn to the names of children listed on newsprintand start with children under age three. Ask thegroup, “What are some important things to knowabout children under three? What are some of thethings children under three can do, can under-stand, are like?” Continue this discussion, movingup through age groups. Allow parents to talkabout the difficulties of parenting children indifferent stages of development. Help parentsdiscover what expectations are realistic forchildren of different ages. Draw a line down themiddle of the newsprint. As parents talk, writetheir observations on the left side of the paper.Use the right side for your own comments. Thisenables you to show parents how their children’sspecific behaviors relate to patterns of growth anddevelopment and allows you to interpret negativecomments in a positive light. For example, next to“3 yrs old—gets into everything” you might write“curious.”

Our Parenting Roots

This open-ended discussion allows parents tothink about where and how they learned how toparent. It can be an opportunity to recognize thatthe world has changed and thus they need tochange too. It can also be an opportunity forparents to acknowledge that they are not happywith the way their parents treated them as chil-dren and thus set the stage for an effort to learnparenting skills that are more effective than theones that were modeled to them. Keep the discus-sion focused on change by asking:

“Think of one way your parents parented you thatyou do differently. What is it and what or whocaused you to change?”

This discussion can bring up strong emotions.Encourage all to participate but don’t push.Participants may need to process their feelingswith you after the class. Allow them to build ontheir parents’ strengths as well as rejecting their

flaws and acknowledge the extent to which theymay already be improving on their parents’example.

Homework

“Starting next week you will be asked to practicethe skill you have learned. At the beginning ofeach class we will ask participants to tell about atime when they used a skill. Since we did notteach a skill this week, your homework will be totalk with your children about something that isinteresting to them. [Get examples from thegroup.] You don’t have to have a long conversa-tion, but be prepared to tell us about it nextweek.”

Closing Circle

“Each class ends by having members share inresponse to a topic or question. The topic for thisfirst week is ‘Something my child needs from me.’”

Start the closing circle by having one facilitatorrespond, then go from one group member to thenext, including the second facilitator.

After the Class

Say good-bye to participants individually and letthem know you are looking forward to seeingthem next week. Respond to their questions andconcerns. Be sure you know how to contact allparticipants and take care of any other businesssuch as gas vouchers or bus tokens. Tell partici-pants how and when to contact you or the pro-gram coordinator during the week if they havequestions or concerns. Encourage participants tohelp neaten and rearrange the room before theyleave.


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WEEK 2: ENCOURAGEMENT

Workshop Outline

• Greeting

• Review (“Talkingwith your child”)

• IntroduceENCOURAGE-MENT

• Situations

• PresentENCOURAGE-MENT

• Present themodeling display

• Selecting roleplayers

• Preparing therole play

• Acting out therole play

• Friendlycoaching

• Additional roleplays

• Homework(practiceENCOURAGE-MENT)

• Closing circle

Greeting

Have the sign-in list handy and besure participants sign it each week soyou have an accurate attendancerecord. We recommend that you notpermit people to join the sessionsafter the first week unless theydiscuss the information in the orien-tation session with a facilitator orwith the program coordinator. Newmembers can upset the delicatefabric of cohesiveness you worked sohard to establish in the first sessionso we advise caution in admittingthem even if they go through anindividual orientation. Both facilita-tors should participate in any decisionto admit new participants. No newparticipants should be accepted afterthe second week.

Chances are there will be at least onenew person, and in any case it may behelpful to review expectations andconfidentiality guidelines.

Review

Remind participants of their home-work and ask them to talk about aconversation with their child aboutsomething the child is interested in.Hear from as many participants astime permits.

Introduce ENCOURAGEMENT

Share the excitement! It is time tostart work on the first skill. Eachweek prepare to introduce the skill byreviewing the section on it in thismanual before the class begins.

“ENCOURAGEMENT is a skill youuse when you notice somethingabout your child that you feel goodabout. It could be something thechild doesn’t usually do such asclearing his plate from the table afterbreakfast, or it could be somethingshe is naturally good at, for example,skateboarding. It could be somethingthe child is trying but not very goodat such as putting shoes on butgetting them on the wrong feet.”

Situations

Have each group member recall onetime when her or his child didsomething the parent liked. Writethe situations on newsprint pre-ceded by the first name of theperson who gave them. Thesesituations will provide subject matterfor the role plays later on. Facilita-tors should participate in thisactivity by providing situations oftheir own. One of the facilitators’situations should be used for themodeling display.

Present ENCOURAGEMENT

“The purpose of ENCOURAGEMENTis to help your children feel goodabout who they are and what theydo. It also helps you discover andvalue your children’s strengths.”

ENCOURAGEMENT





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Display the ENCOURAGEMENT poster and readthe steps to the skill. First, read them exactly asthey are on the poster, then read through them asecond time checking for understanding andproviding clarification as needed. Be aware thatsome participants may not be able to read. Theywill need you to point to the steps and readthrough them repeatedly throughout the sessionand in following sessions. This way all participantswill recognize and remember the steps when theypractice at home.

Present the Modeling Display

Demonstrate successful use of the ENCOURAGE-MENT skill using a situation that one of thefacilitators described earlier. We recommend thatcofacilitators prepare and practice the modelingdisplay to make sure each step is presentedclearly.

After the modeling display, check with the partici-pants to see if they can identify the steps and ifthey understand the skill.

Break

Give participants a chance to have coffee andrefreshments and check on their children ifnecessary. Don’t allow break time to drag on pastten minutes. You will need a full hour for roleplaying.

Selecting Role Players

This is the participants’ first opportunity to roleplay a skill, and some will be reluctant. Make aguess as to which participant is most ready andask him or her to choose a partner and enact asituation.

Preparing the Role Play

Have the actor (the person playing the role of theparent) describe his or her child to the co-actor(the person playing the child), just as was donefor the modeling display. Encourage the co-actorto ask questions to get enough information to do agood job. Then have the actor describe the settingas was done for the modeling display. The observ-ers listen to these descriptions, too, so they canfollow the role play.

Refer to the poster and repeat the steps to theskill. As you do so, check to be sure the actorknows how to do each step.

Assign friendly coaches to help with each step.(“Jo Ann, watch to see if Dale notices what Billy isgood at.”) If there are more observers than steps,assign several friendly coaches to each step.

Acting Out the Role Play

When the role play is about to begin, one facilita-tor takes one of the seats vacated by the actor andco-actor and the other stands to the side to assistthe role players if necessary.

Don’t expect great role plays at this stage, andremember that learning the skill is what is impor-tant, not the quality of the acting.

The role of the co-actor is very important. Co-actors should try to imagine themselves as thechild responding to the parent. Most co-actors willnaturally try to help the actor by respondingpositively to efforts to use the skill. This is finebecause you are trying to establish a norm ofmutual help in the group.

ENCOURAGEMENT

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ENCOURAGEMENT

Friendly Coaching

Begin friendly coaching with the co-actor, thenproceed to the group members, focusing on eachskill step in order. Next, ask the participant toself-evaluate. Comments from the facilitatorscome last. Friendly coaching works best when theparticipants rather than the facilitators give mostof the input.

Additional Role Plays

Participants learn best by doing so try to keepopen-ended discussion to a minimum and do asmany role plays as possible. Set a goal of doing atleast three role plays in each session.

Homework

Pass out sheets listing the steps in the ENCOUR-AGEMENT skill. Tell participants to tape thesesheets to their refrigerators as a reminder topractice every day. Explain that next week youwill ask all participants to describe a time whenthey used the skill.

Review once more the steps to the skill, readingthem exactly as they are written, pointing to theposter as you read. Discuss with participantswhen they will use the skill and the positivequalities they expect to notice in their children.

“ENCOURAGEMENT is a way to build a strongand positive bond with your child. This bond willhelp both of you when difficulties or conflictsarise.”

Closing Circle

Go around the circle, having each participant tell“something my child is good at.” Wish the partici-pants success and tell them you are lookingforward to hearing about their experiences.

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WEEK 3: CAN DO

Workshop Outline

• ReviewENCOURAGE-MENT

• Introduce CANDO

• Situations

• Present CAN DO


• Role playing

• Friendlycoaching

• Homework(practice CANDO)

• Closing circle

Review ENCOURAGEMENT

Review the steps to ENCOURAGE-MENT. Point to the poster and haveparticipants read the steps (orrecollect them if they are not read-ers) along with you. Then ask eachparticipant to talk about an attemptto use the skill. Offer assistance whena participant has a problem using theskill, but be sure to use ENCOUR-AGEMENT to validate each attempt,even if it was unsuccessful or incor-rect.

Introduce CAN DO

“CAN DO is a skill you can use whenyou notice your child doing some-thing you don’t want her or him todo.”

Situations

Ask all participants to mention a timewhen their children were doingsomething the parents didn’t wantthem to do. Help them choose aspecific incident as opposed to ageneral behavior. For example, if aparent says, “He picks on his littlebrother,” have the parent recall aparticular time when that happened.

Present CAN DO

“The purpose of CAN DO is to helpyour child change from a behaviorthat is not acceptable to a behaviorthat is acceptable. CAN DO helps youguide your children instead of frus-trating them because children needto be creative and explore theirworld. Use CAN DO instead of justsaying ‘Don’t.’”

CAN DO

1. Notice what you don’t want yourchild to do.

2. Think of something your child cando instead.

3. Tell your child what he or she cando.



CAN DO is popular with parentsbecause it helps them help theirchildren control their behavior. Inchoosing examples for the modelingdisplay pick ones that show theparent getting relief because thechild’s behavior improves.

Break

Role Playing

Keep track of which participantshave been primary actors and focuson those who have not yet done so.

Friendly Coaching

Emphasize that participants have animportant job to do, namely helpingeach other learn to use the skillssuccessfully.

Homework

Give parents refrigerator sheetslisting the steps for CAN DO, readthrough them with the class, andmake sure that parents are puttingthem on their refrigerators.

“CAN DO is a way to teach your childhow to behave appropriately. Often

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CAN DO

children want to behave well but don’t know how,so in their frustration they behave badly.”

When using CAN DO it can be helpful to give morethan one option. For example, “You need either togo outdoors or find something quiet to do in yourroom.” This is different from the CHOICES skill, inwhich the child actively participates in the deci-sion-making process.

Closing Circle

Ask each participant to tell about “something I amtrying to do better.”

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WEEK 4: CHOICES

Workshop Outline

• Review CAN DO

• IntroduceCHOICES

• Situations

• PresentCHOICES


• Role playing andfriendly coaching

• Homework(practiceCHOICES)

• Closing circle

Review CAN DO

Read through the steps to the skilland ask participants to talk about atime when they used CAN DO withtheir children. Help them focus ontheir own efforts to use the skillrather than their children’s resultingbehavior. Check to see if they aregoing through the thinking steps aswell as the action steps.

Introduce CHOICES

“CHOICES is a skill you can use tohelp your child make a decision or tohelp you and your child make adecision together. For example, yourchild might need to figure out how todeal with a girl in school who ispicking on her. Sometimes CHOICEScan be used instead of CAN DO whenyour child is thinking of doing some-thing you don’t want her to do.”

Situations

Have all participants describe asituation in which their children needto make a decision about how to act.

Present CHOICES

“The purpose of CHOICES is to helpyour children learn to make decisionsthat affect their lives. Another pur-pose is to have parents share decisionmaking with their children. Whenusing CAN DO, the parent makes thedecision; when using CHOICES thechild makes the decision within limitsthat are decided by the parent.CHOICES is an important skill be-cause children need to learn to makegood decisions and your life is easier

when you don’t have to make all thedecisions for your child.”

CHOICES

1. Help your child understand theproblem.

2. Your child and you think of two ormore reasonable choices.

3. Have your child choose and tellyou the choice.



The benefits of CHOICES come whenchildren are able to make gooddecisions without the intervention oftheir parents so the modeling dis-plays should include examples ofchildren coming up with options.Parents sometimes misunderstandCHOICES as simply a pair of CANDO’S, missing the point that childrenneed to learn to brainstorm goodoptions on their own. The statement,“You can finish your dinner and havesome cake or you can decide thatyou are done eating,” is a variationon the CAN DO skill because it doesnot engage the child in the decision-making process. A good phrase forthe parent to use in Step 2 is, “Whatdo you think you could do?” Onlyafter the child has presented optionsshould the parent do so.

“Although you will need to come upwith at least two choices that arereasonable, you can allow your childto put forth ideas that are not soreasonable (‘Buy me a computergame and then I won’t be so bored.’).

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CHOICES

This can clear the air and help you get on with thebusiness of practical decision making. ButCHOICES works best when you really consider allof your child’s ideas. Often children will come upwith solutions you would not have thought of.Sometimes discussion of your child’s ‘unreason-able’ ideas can lead to a compromise solution youboth feel good about.”

Remember to process each modeling display. Askthe participants to describe how each step wasdone. Check to be sure they understand.

Break

Role Playing and Friendly Coaching

This skill is more difficult and time-consumingthan ENCOURAGEMENT or CAN DO. Role playswill take more time and require more repetition.In a successful role play the actor (parent) andco-actor (child) will collaborate to solve theproblem stated in Step 1. Observers may suggestideas if the role players get stuck. When partici-pants have achieved a spirit of collaboration, pointout that this is precisely the spirit that we hopeparents and children can reach together using theCHOICES skill.

Homework

Review the steps to CHOICES. Remind the groupto place the skill sheets on their refrigerators, usethe skill at least once each day, and be preparedto tell about using it at the next session.

“CHOICES is a way to share decision making withyour child. When your child makes a good deci-sion on his own, that’s one less problem for you tosolve. More than that, it’s something you can takepride in. Your child has taken a step forward onthe road to self-reliance.”

Closing Circle

Ask each person to describe “one way I am a goodparent.”

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WEEK 5: SELF-CONTROL 1

Workshop Outline

• Review CHOICES

• Introduce SELF-CONTROL

• Situations

• Brainstorm(“bodymessages”)

• Present SELF-CONTROL

• Present the firstmodeling display

• Brainstorm

• Present thesecond model-ing display

• Homework

• Closing circle

Review CHOICES

Review the steps to CHOICES andask the participants to tell about atime when they used the skill.

Introduce SELF-CONTROL

“Now that you have some new skillsthat you can use with your children,we are going to introduce a skill thatyou use with yourself. This skill iscalled SELF-CONTROL, and it is veryimportant because many times youwill need to use it before you can useany of the other skills. SELF-CON-TROL is a skill you use when yourbody starts to send messages that youare about to lose control of yourself.

“We are going to spend two weeks onSELF-CONTROL. Before practicing itwe will spend time talking about thesteps because each person needs tohave a plan for keeping self-control.”

Situations

Facilitators should set the tone bygiving a situation such as, “It’s rainingand my eight-year-old son and mysix-year-old daughter have beeninside all day. My infant son won’tstop crying. My oldest son pushes mydaughter so that she hits her head onthe corner of the dresser and startsscreaming.”

Brainstorm

Have participants talk about the“body messages” (physical sensa-tions) that warn them that they areabout to lose control. List these bodymessages on newsprint. As partici-pants talk, have them consider the

early messages that come before thebig messages. A participant in onegroup said, “I know I’m losing controlwhen I reach for a pot to throw.” Thefacilitators helped her think aboutthe signals her body was sending upto the moment when she reached forthe pot.

Present SELF-CONTROL

“The purpose of SELF-CONTROL isto help you act the way you want toact instead of acting in a way you feelbad about later. For example, manypeople don’t want to hit their chil-dren, but when things get too stress-ful they lose self-control. Later, theyregret the consequences, whichmight be losing a measure of theirchild’s trust or being subject to achild abuse report. Another purposeof SELF-CONTROL is to teach yourchildren by example how to handletheir feelings.”

SELF-CONTROL

1. Pay attention to body messagestelling you that you are about to losecontrol.


3. Choose a way and get control ofyourself.


In Step 4 you may want to decide touse another parenting skill, such asCAN DO or CHOICES.

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SELF-CONTROL 1

Present the First Modeling Display

The modeling displays for SELF-CONTROL aremore difficult than previous ones because you areportraying an emotional situation. You are a rolemodel in the full sense of the word, setting anexample showing that a person on the edge oflosing control can decide not to do so. Here aresome tips for SELF-CONTROL modeling displays:

If you choose a real situation from your own life, besure it is one that you handled well and feel goodabout. Don’t place yourself in the position of havingto reevaluate your life in the middle of a class.

Choose a situation that everyone agrees is stressful.

Take time to create the mood by describing thesetting and the characters of the children. It mayhelp to give some background telling why the dayhas already been stressful for you.

Allow yourself to empathize with the character youare creating. Chances are you will be able to feelthe body messages that person might feel.

Break

SELF-CONTROL Brainstorm

“Before we start practicing the skill, let’s take sometime to plan for Step 2 (Think of ways to controlyourself). It is helpful to have decided on someways beforehand so you have them ready when youneed them. Let’s take time now to share ideas ofways to control ourselves.” (Call the list “Ways toControl Yourself” and write it on newsprint.)

Techniques for SELF-CONTROL fall into twocategories, those that involve getting away from thesituation for a while, such as taking a walk orcalling a friend, and those that can be used at themoment such as counting to ten or reciting theSerenity Prayer. Have participants think of bothkinds or responses for the list because sometimes itwill be better to escape the situation temporarilyand sometimes it will be impossible to do so.

When the list is complete, have a discussion inwhich participants share ideas about which waysthey believe they can use to control themselves.These are tools they can carry and have ready whenneeded.

Present the Second Modeling Display

Do a second modeling display at this point toreinforce the value of the skill and help participantssee how it is used. Be sure to describe the stepsused in thinking to the group. Inserting a thinkingstep between a “trigger” (an event that causes astress response) and an impulsive response is a wayto slow the response and thus interrupt the impul-sive behavior. This slowing down should be modeledfor the group. One way to illustrate the idea ofstopping to think before acting is to hold up a signthat says “Stop!” (you can make it look like a trafficsign) between Steps 1 and 2.

If you decide in Step 4 to use another parentingskill, it is sufficient to say, “I think I’ll use CHOICES.I guess my daughter does need a little more say inher own life.” It is not necessary to role play theother skill and could confuse the participants.

Since you do three modeling displays for this skill(two the first week and one this week), it can behelpful to vary the situations. For example, onesituation might be with a young child, one with ateenager, and one with an adult partner.

Homework

“Since you have not yet had a chance to practice theSELF-CONTROL skill, use the first three skills asmuch as possible during the coming week. Plan touse each of them at least once and come prepared totalk about your experiences next week.”

Review the steps for ENCOURAGEMENT, CAN DO,and CHOICES.

Closing Circle

Ask each member to describe “something I amtrying to do better.”

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WEEK 6: SELF-CONTROL 2

Review

Allow extra time for review becauseyou will be discussing three skills.You will probably find that someparticipants do not understand theskills and have difficulty rememberingthe steps. Although the skill stepsmay be simple, life is complicated andusing these skills may require afundamental adjustment in howparents think of themselves and theirchildren.

SELF-CONTROL (continued)

Post the list “Ways to Control Your-self” compiled last week and read italoud to the group. Have a discussionin which participants identify one ortwo ways that they believe will workfor them. These ideas will serve astools for the role plays and for subse-quent real-life situations.

Situations (continued)

Post the list of situations participantsmentioned last week and read italoud. Ask if they would like to addany new situations to the list.

Modeling Display

This modeling display is a review andopens the door to role playing byparticipants. Try to avoid discussionand move directly to the role-playingsegment of the workshop.

Role Playing and Friendly

Coaching

Have as many participants as pos-sible do SELF-CONTROL role plays.Take a short break at the end of thefirst hour of class and continue roleplaying until half an hour before theend of the class.

Participants sometimes becomeagitated during SELF-CONTROL roleplays because they are relivingstressful situations. Be prepared tointervene if anyone appears to belosing self-control.

Plan Reunion

You are now six weeks into theParenting Skills Workshop Series andyou and your participants havebonded as a group. You have estab-lished a norm of participants encour-aging each other and offering ideasand assistance. Participants haveworked together as actor and co-actor to create successful role plays.They have shared their problems andtheir ideas. They have stood in forone another when someone got stuckin a role play or was too shy to go “onstage.” It is time to plan the celebra-tion that will take place duringSession 8, the reunion session.

First, confirm the date and location.We suggest that the reunion occurthree or four weeks after the seventhclass so the participants will havehad a period of time to use the skillsat home. The location may be yourusual meeting place or another, morecongenial location such as a park.Organize a dish-to-pass dinner, with

Workshop Outline

• Review

• SELF-CONTROL(continued)

• Situations(continued)

• Modeling display


• Plan reunion

• Homework

• Closing circle

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SELF-CONTROL 2

participants bringing different foods. A classmember may take charge of reminding people.The reunion is a celebration of what you havelearned together so participants whose childrenare in foster care may wish to make arrangementsto bring them. The program coordinator may beable to assist in these arrangements. Partners whohave not attended the series are also invited.

Homework

“The homework for this week is to stay tuned toyour body messages and use the SELF-CONTROLskill whenever those body messages tell you thatyou might lose your self-control. You each nowhave several ways to gain control of yourself soput these in your toolbox and use them during theweek.”

Let participants know that you will also be usingthe SELF-CONTROL skill and plan to have a storyto share next week.

“Learning to use SELF-CONTROL is hard, but it isworth it. You will discover great pride when youare able to handle situations that would previouslyhave caused you to become angry, tearful, orparalyzed.”

Closing Circle

Ask each person to tell “how I want my child toremember me.”

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WEEK 7: RESPECTING FEELINGS

Workshop Outline

• Review

• IntroduceRESPECTINGFEELINGS

• Brainstorm

• Situations

• PresentRESPECTINGFEELINGS



• Homework

• Closing circle

Review

At this point in the workshop you areasking people, including yourselves,to share personal information. Allinformation should be treated withrespect, and it may be helpful toremind participants of the confiden-tiality guidelines they have agreed to.

Introduce RESPECTING

FEELINGS

“RESPECTING FEELINGS is a skillyou use when your child has strongfeelings about something. Childrendon’t have a right to misbehave, butall of us, including our children, havea right to our feelings. RESPECTINGFEELINGS is a way for us to helpchildren deal with their feelings. It isimportant to use it when childrenhave negative feelings such as anger,but it is also useful when children areexcited or happy.”

Brainstorm

Have the group generate a list ofwords that express feelings and writethem on newsprint. Participants maynot have much experience identify-ing feelings or using language todescribe them. This is a barrier tousing the skill so it is important tohelp participants learn to use suchwords.

Situations

Ask participants to “tell about asituation when your child had astrong feeling.”

Present RESPECTING

FEELINGS

“The purpose of RESPECTINGFEELINGS is to help your childunderstand and accept his or herfeelings and to show that you respectthose feelings. To do this you some-times have to put aside your ownfeelings. Another purpose is to learnmore about how your child feelsabout things that happen in his or herlife.

RESPECTING FEELINGS


2. Think of a word that describeswhat your child might be feeling.

3. Think about why your child mightbe feeling that way.



People often experience a sense ofanticlimax when they hear you usethis skill. They wonder why youhaven’t helped the child resolvewhatever problem was causinguncomfortable feelings. You may needto explain that the purpose of re-specting feelings is not to solvepractical problems but to show yourchild that you care and you under-stand how he or she is feeling. Work-ing on the problem that caused thefeelings can be a next step, butsometimes the opportunity for self-expression is all that is necessary.

It is helpful for the facilitator who isplaying the child to acknowledge theuse of the skill by affirming the

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RESPECTING FEELINGS

statement that was made in Step 4, for example, ifthe facilitator who is playing the parent says, “Iguess you’re pretty upset that you got sus-pended,” the facilitator who is playing the childcan say, “I’m mad that I got suspended! It was theother kid’s fault.” Although it is important to keepthe modeling display simple, let participants knowthat they can use RESPECTING FEELINGS overand over if their child needs to get a big feeling offhis chest.

Break

Role Playing and Friendly Coaching

These role plays are often very interesting andcan provide an opportunity for growth on the partof participants. Actors have a tendency to jumpback into their own parental agendas (“You know Itold you to stay away from that kid!”), but whenthey use the skill successfully, co-actors oftenexperience a visible release from the feeling theyare portraying.

Some parents who come to the class may havedifficulty separating their children’s feelings fromtheir own. This skill can be a tool in helping themunderstand their child’s separateness.

Homework

“You have now learned the five parenting skills.Use each of them as much as possible betweennow and our reunion meeting. Keep the refrigera-tor sheets on your refrigerators as reminders.When we meet again we will talk about ourexperiences. We look forward to hearing aboutyour successes, but we hope you will let us knowwhen you had a hard time, too, because we wantto help you succeed at all of the skills.

“As you think about using the skills, pay specialattention to RESPECTING FEELINGS. Yourchildren (or your partner) are more likely to

respect your feelings if you respect theirs. Thiscan make family life happier and less stressful.”

Make sure participants know the date of thereunion and ensure that all plans are in place forthe party.

Closing Circle

Ask participants to say “something I like about theperson to my left.” When done, it is not uncom-mon for participants to ask if they can repeat theexercise going around the circle the other way.

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WEEK 8: REUNION

Workshop Outline

• Preparation

• Greeting

• Review

• Evaluation

• Certificates

• Special food

Preparation

Seating should be divided so partici-pants can work in two groups. Extrachild care providers will be needed ifparents have permission to bringchildren who are in foster care.

Greeting

Allow extra time for the welcome andgetting everyone signed in andsettled. Participants may bringpartners who have not attended theseries.

Review

Ask participants to name and recallthe steps for each skill. As each ismentioned, put the poster up and askthem to recall a time when they usedthat skill. Ask if anyone can think of atime when more than one skill wasused to resolve a situation.

Divide into two groups and give eachgroup several scenarios to work with.Assisted by a facilitator, each groupwill discuss which skills are appropri-ate for the scenarios and prepare oneor two role plays to present to thewhole group. Be sure each of theskills is portrayed. Encourage the useof more than one skill to resolve theissue in the scenario if appropriate.

Evaluation

Participants are asked to completethe evaluation forms, and one-to-oneassistance is given if needed. Theforms are collected by the programcoordinator or a facilitator.

The facilitator or program coordina-tor leads a semistructured groupinterview with the participants togain more information about theirgeneral satisfaction with the series.How do they feel about the childcare, the time the series was held,the site and the room, and the skillsof the facilitators? How they learnedabout the class, what other skillsthey would like to learn, and whetherthey would recommend the series toa friend are examples of topics thatcan be included in the discussion.Participants are given the opportu-nity to talk among themselves,without the presence of the facilita-tors, about their feelings concerningthe class, its curriculum, and itsstructure.

Certificates

This is the time to celebrate. Chil-dren are invited to join the group towatch while their parents areawarded certificates. Certificates aregiven to all who attended five ormore sessions. Participants whoattended all sessions should receivea certificate with a special seal orsome other indication of perfectattendance. The certificates shouldbe framed if possible. Encourageapplause after each presentation.

Special Food

Everyone enjoys the food or mealthat was planned by the group. Askthe child care providers to join thegroup to enjoy the food and offer tohelp watch the children if needed.

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Chapter 7

THE ROLE OFTHE PROGRAMCOORDINATOR

The Community-Based Program

Good planning, good organization, and strongagency support are important building blocks of acommunity-based Parenting Skills WorkshopSeries program. The coordinator’s best allies inestablishing such a program are family courtjudges and lawyers, advocates for children, andDepartment of Social Service planners and super-visors. All community groups working to preventchild abuse and neglect should be invited toparticipate in planning. A coordinated plan isneeded to gain funding and agency support toensure referral of potential participants. Activitieswill include developing the program; preparingproposals; developing and managing budgets;educating supervisors, caseworkers, and otherhuman service personnel to make appropriatereferrals; and providing statistical, qualitative, andfinancial reports as needed. Program implementa-tion includes recruiting and training facilitators,setting dates and locating sites, hiring child careproviders, recruiting and registering parents,arranging for transportation for participants,reporting to all stakeholders, and evaluating theprogram.

In some regions Cornell Cooperative Extensionprovides a comprehensive program, managed by acoordinator, offering several series annually undercontract to the county Department of SocialServices. These workshops are part of the serviceplan for many families receiving children’s ser-vices. The workshop series also appeals to special

audiences such as parents of toddlers and youngchildren, parents of preteens and teens, parents ofchildren with disabilities, or parents who arerecovering from substance abuse. Despite thedifferences in family characteristics, parents learnmuch from each other and discover that they havemany common concerns.

Facilitators

Facilitator teams are the core of the program. It isimportant to select facilitators who believe that

• all families have strengths.

• parents should be recognized as experts ontheir children.

• parenting education can have positive out-comes.

• cultural differences are valid and valuable.

The workshop is always led by two facilitators.The team concept is seen as critical for success insupporting the active, structured learning ap-proach and presenting the skills. Also there maybe times when one facilitator is called upon tohandle a personal situation with one or twoparticipants and the other facilitator needs to beavailable to maintain the group.

It is ideal if a male/female facilitator team can beused. Male/female teams are appropriate andeffective for several reasons. Modeling appropriateinterpersonal skill building between men andwomen is extremely valuable. Frequently couples

50

who are parenting together attend a series. Theymay be biological parents of all the children,members of a blended family, or in a family inwhich one partner has no biological relationship tothe children. Men also attend the group as singleparents, either custodial or noncustodial.

Facilitators bring information and skills but arealso learners, acknowledging the competence andexperience of the participants. Skillful facilitatorsunderstand that modeling the skills is a powerfulteaching strategy; that parents are motivated bybeing listened to and respected; and that repeti-tion is essential for learning.

In Tompkins County facilitators are hired asindependent contractors for each series. They arethought of as “paid volunteers” because theyvolunteer to participate. The program coordinatorrecruits and trains facilitators and providestechnical support for each series. Parenting SkillsWorkshop Series facilitators come from manybackgrounds (education, social work, business),though most are human service professionals.Some co-lead several series annually; others maylead one series each year. A newly trained facilita-tor is always paired with an experienced one.

Facilitators are trained in a two-day programdesigned for twenty to twenty-five participants.We recommend broad publicity aimed at peoplewho are interested in becoming facilitatorsspecifically for the PSWS program, as well asprofessionals who will use the curriculum in theirown work with families. Following the training,the coordinator interviews and selects individualswho exhibit the desired qualities to becomefacilitators in the series.

Maintaining a corps of dedicated educators tofacilitate workshops is important. The programcoordinator should hold informal meetings withfacilitators several times a year (provide a simplebreakfast or lunch as a lure) and share ideas andconcerns. Hold planning and debriefing meetingsbefore and after each series with facilitator teams.Call facilitators frequently during a series to letthem know you are available to troubleshoot, toprovide resources, or to discuss concerns. Sendworkshop participants’ evaluation summariesalong with thank you notes to facilitators at theconclusion of each series.

Select sites for PSWS that are handicappedaccessible, easy to find, have a comfortable roomfor parents to meet and a suitable child care room,provide a nonthreatening atmosphere for parents,and are safe for everyone. Locations to considerare schools, churches, Head Start facilities,Cornell Cooperative Extension education centers,child care centers, and community centers.Attention to high-quality child care, assistancewith transportation, and provision of nutritiousrefreshments are details that demonstrate respectfor the participants by letting them know theirattendance is important. Early evening hours,between, 6 and 9 P.M., and Saturday morning haveproved to be popular times.

Other Opportunities to Use Parenting

Skills Workshops

Parenting Skills Workshops may be taught toparents in a variety of programs and situations.However the program is used, facilitators must betrained to ensure that the structured learningformat is followed and the integrity of the skills ismaintained. Parent and case aides, family work-ers, public health nurses, and others who workwith families in their homes may become trainedto teach and reinforce the skills with parentsduring home visits. They can provide valuableencouragement to parents who are trying the newskills they are learning.

PSWS can be offered to parents whose childrenare served in specialized agency programs orschools. In these cases the series may be facili-tated by agency staff who have completed PSWSfacilitator training. The Parenting Skills WorkshopSeries has been used in programs for prisoninmates, for parents of children at an agency forchildren with special identified needs, and forparents recovering from substance abuse.

PSWS as Part of a Comprehensive Parent

Education Program

Although PSWS is one of a very limited number ofprograms available for parents whose social,emotional, and material resources have not beensufficient to provide for the growth and develop-mental needs of their children, it cannot addressall the issues that confront these families. Skill

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building, like other behavioral intervention strate-gies, needs to be part of a comprehensive serviceprogram that meets the complex needs of eachfamily. Services should be available in a sequencethat treats the most pressing underlying problemsfirst, reducing or eliminating some of the barriersand stressful situations that make it so difficult forparents to focus on their children’s needs. It maybe that a parent needs to deal with a substanceabuse problem, a domestic situation, or job skilltraining before attempting to learn and use newparenting skills. Some families may have urgentneeds for housing or medical care which must beaddressed before parents can benefit from thePSWS program.

An individual who is ready for parenting educationshould begin with the most appropriate classavailable. For example, a young parent who hasbeen isolated in a rural area may feel over-whelmed in a group setting. It may be best for thatperson to begin to learn parenting skills from ahome visitor in a one-to-one situation and becomepart of a PSWS group as the next step. Experi-enced facilitators often feel the work of parentingeducation has just begun with the series and theydescribe feeling that they abandon or desertparents just as they are beginning to feel hopeful.They suggest that parents need to be encouragedto join another group such as a parent supportgroup, repeat the Parenting Skills workshop, ortake an advanced parent education class. Forparents who are comfortable with more traditionallearning methods, mastery of the five skills usingthe structured learning approach builds a strongfoundation to profit from other parent educationclasses and materials. Parenting Skills Workshopsshould be seen as part of a continuum along whichparents recognize their parenting style, chooseand learn new effective skills, and seek continuedsupport to reinforce their efforts.

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Chapter 8

TRAININGFACILITATORS

eople undertake training as facilitators formany reasons but most indicate theywelcome the addition of structured learn-P

ing and basic skills to their parent education“toolbox” and look forward to facilitating a group.They find the two-day training very intensive asthey struggle to understand the delivery method(structured learning) and the educational content(the five skills). The workshop team is challengedto bring these two components together so eachparticipant is prepared to be an effective facilita-tor. In most workshops participants also needtime to get to know one another and to shareinformation about their work with parents. Use ofthe Parenting Skills Workshop Series will varyfrom participant to participant, agency to agency,and community to community. The agenda shouldprovide time for informal networking amongattendees and structured time for discussionsabout using PSWS in their community.

As you prepare for facilitator training, the follow-ing tips from “The Terrific Trainer,” Chapter 13 inTraining Child Care Staff to Work with 9- to

14-Year-Olds by Sally Jo Crosiar and PollySpedding (Ithaca: Cornell Cooperative Extension,1994) may be helpful:

Share the goals of the training with participantsand, as activities are introduced, connect them tothe goals.

Understand that modeling what is being taught isa powerful training strategy.

Remember that participants in facilitator traininghave needs not unlike those of parents in work-shops. They need the psychological safety ofground rules and of being listened to and re-spected. Attention must be given to physical

needs such as room temperature, lighting, breaks,and being able to see and hear the leaders.

Participants will have a variety of learning stylesso material should be presented visually, orally,and by practicing.

Be attentive to time; watch the clock.

Be flexible to adjust the agenda to participants’needs.

Sample Training Agenda

Goals for Participants

1. To master the five components of structuredlearning

2. To apply the structured learning approach tocofacilitating a Parenting Skills Workshop Seriesin which five basic skills will be taught

Day 1

9:00 A.M. Registration; Agenda and Overviewof the Manual

Group Introductions

Introduction to Parenting SkillsWorkshop Series

The Five Basic Skills

Exercise 1: Overview of Session One 1.1

11:00 Break

1. Some participants role play members of the class of parents.

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11:15 Overview of Structured Learning

Introduce and DemonstrateENCOURAGEMENT

Overview of Sessions 2 through 7

12:15 P.M. Lunch

1:00 Introduce and Demonstrate CAN DO,CHOICES, SELF-CONTROL, andRESPECTING FEELINGS

Exercise 2: Teach the Skill2 Working inSmall Groups

Discussion on the Importance ofModeling and the Modeling Display

2:45 Homework Assignment; Questions;Evaluation

Closing Circle

3:30 Adjourn

Day 2

9:00 A.M. Questions, Homework

Discussion: How to Help with Practicingthe Skills (role playing)

Exercise 3: Practice the Skills3 Guidethe Role Plays

Working in small groups

11:00 Break

11:15 Exercises 4 and 5: Group Dynamics,Some Typical Challenges, EstablishingRespect

12:15 P.M. Lunch

1:00 Overview of Session 8

Where and How the Parenting SkillsWorkshop Series Can Be Used

2:45 Evaluation, Questions

Closing Circle

3:30 Adjourn

Background for Agenda Items

Day 1

Introductions

Presenters and participants want to get to knowone another and quickly learn the first names ofall participants. Participants will want to knowwhat experience and credentials presenters bringto the workshop, as well as learning enough abouteach other to capitalize on networking opportuni-ties. Presenters can customize the workshop ifthey know something about the experience andinterest in parenting education of those attending.

An assessment form, sent before the workshop oravailable at registration, provides informationabout participants’ needs and interests that isused to fine-tune the agenda. Networking isstimulated by taping several sheets of newsprintto the wall near the registration table. As peoplearrive, ask them to write their name, agency, andactivities in parenting education on the sheets inlarge letters. Participants are encouraged to usethe sheets to identify people with whom theywould like to talk.

Once the session begins, each person introduceshim or herself and facilitators focus on learningthe names of the participants. Both name tags andname tents (trifolded paper, name in large letters,on the table in front of the individual) are helpfulto speed the process.

Introduction to Parenting Skills WorkshopSeries

Base your discussion on Chapters 2 and 3 of thismanual.

Five Basic Skills

Base your discussion on Chapter 1 of this manual.

Exercise 1: Overview of Session 1

Say to participants: “You have just heard what thecontent material is for PSWS—ENCOURAGE-MENT, CAN DO, CHOICES, SELF-CONTROL, andRESPECTING FEELINGS. We will spend most ofthe workshop on how those skills are taught toparents in the structured learning format. We

2. Some participants role play facilitators in the class for parents.

3. Participants will take the parts of both parents and facilitators.

55

want to give parents new skills and the knowledgethat they can choose to change the way they actwith their children. We want to give parents waysto increase the positive interaction betweenthemselves and their children.

“For parts of this training each of you will roleplay a parent in a parenting skills class. You maychoose what parent you wish to be—the one youare in real life or one that may represent a parentor composite of parents you work with in thefamilies you see. In other parts of the training youwill role play a facilitator in a parenting skills classso you can practice teaching the structuredlearning components.

“We are going to present the two-hour introduc-tory class in about half an hour so participationwill be limited. For example, we will ask only twoor three people to participate in any activity, andwe ask you to reserve discussion and questionsuntil the end of the demonstration.”

Overview of Session 1

Conduct Session 1 in about 30 minutes using a“fishbowl” technique. Ask selected participants tojoin the facilitators in a circle of chairs placed sothey can be seen by the other participants, whoobserve the demonstration. (Fishbowl participantscan be randomly chosen or preselected based onknowledge of the attendees.) Ask participants tostay in the character of the parent they havechosen to be throughout the exercise and remindthe audience not to interrupt. Follow the outlinefor Session 1 and move quickly through eachcomponent. End the fishbowl, have players returnto their seats, and ask for feedback using thefollowing questions as a guide.

How did facilitators encourage group participa-tion?

How were difficult comments, situations, orinteractions handled?

How did they establish respect with participants?

How did the facilitators model good interpersonalskills?

How did fishbowl parents feel?

How did the demonstration help us to understand

what will take place in class?

Are there other questions or comments aboutSession 1?

Overview of Structured Learning

Base your discussion on Chapter 2, “StructuredLearning,” listing and describing each of the fivecomponents (presenting the skill, modeling theskill, practicing the skill, performance feedback,transfer training) on newsprint.

Introduce and Demonstrate ENCOURAGEMENT

Introduce and present a modeling display forENCOURAGEMENT demonstrating three struc-tured learning components—presenting the skill(includes asking for sample situations fromparticipants and recording them on newsprint),modeling the skill, and performance feedback. Askfor feedback using the following questions as aguide:

How was the skill introduced?

How clearly was each step modeled?

Did observers identify each step?

How frequently were the steps reviewed?

Did the outcome seem satisfactory for parent andchild?

How were participants involved?

Overview of Sessions 2 through 7

Emphasize that the agendas for Sessions 2through 7 are very similar. Using the series formatand the weekly outlines as a guide, note eachcomponent on newsprint, discussing any thatoccur in only one session or are not covered indepth in the training agenda.

Introduce and Demonstrate CAN DO, CHOICES,SELF-CONTROL, and RESPECTING FEELINGS

Follow the format that was used to introduce anddemonstrate ENCOURAGEMENT.

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Exercise 2: Teach the Skill

In preparation for this exercise have the groupform pairs (having participants work with theperson seated next to them is efficient). Alsoidentify six-person groups by combining threepairs for the second part of the exercise.

Ask participants working in pairs to select one ofthe five skills. Direct teams to talk with each otherabout the skill, discussing what they like about itand how they understand it. Ask them to think ofexamples of how to use the skill. Instruct eachteam to develop and practice a modeling displayfrom one of the examples.

Convene the six-member groups and have eachteam present its modeling display. Refer to thestructured learning steps and remind participantsto practice three steps: presenting the skill(includes eliciting examples from group mem-bers), modeling the skill, and performance feed-back. Ask the groups to use the following ques-tions to provide feedback to each team.

How was the skill introduced?

How clearly was each step modeled?

Did observers identify each step?

How frequently were the steps reviewed?

Did the outcome seem satisfactory for parent andchild?


Discussion: The Importance of Modeling andthe Modeling Display


Homework Assignment, Questions, Evaluation

Participants are asked consciously to use at leastone skill with a child, partner, or colleague beforethey return to the workshop the next day and tobe prepared to describe the experience. Encour-age participants to write their reactions to thefirst day of training on an evaluation form. (Youmay wish to collect these forms to review beforethe second day of training. They can be returnedfor participants to complete at the end of theworkshop.) During the closing circle ask partici-pants to tell about success stories from their workwith parents.

Day 2

Questions, Homework

Ask participants to describe their experiencesusing one or more skills since the first day of theworkshop. Discuss any questions regarding thematerial presented on Day 1.

Discussion: How to Help with Practicing theSkills (Role Playing)

Base your discussion on Chapter 4, “A Guide toFacilitating Workshops.”

Exercise 3: Practice the Skills

Participants work in the teams and six-membergroups formed for Exercise 2. Each pair becomesa team of facilitators to guide a parent and co-actor through a role play. Two individuals in thegroup serve as the parent and the co-actor andtwo as observers. Teams rotate in the group untileveryone has had a turn to facilitate. As facilita-tors, teams can choose any of the five skills for thepractice demonstration. Post the list of situationsthat was generated when each skill was intro-duced and modeled on Day 1 where it can be seenby all. Instruct the facilitator team to select a skilland a situation, then choose two people to serveas a parent and a co-actor. Instruct the remaininggroup members to model the behavior of parentswith whom they work. One facilitator works withthe parent and co-actor to develop the role playand the other facilitator assigns observers to payattention to the use of the steps and the outcomesof the role play. It is important for each workshopparticipant to be part of a team to guide a roleplay. Ask for feedback about practicing the skillusing the following questions as a guide.

How did facilitators encourage group participa-tion?

How were difficult comments, situations, orinteractions handled?

How did the facilitators establish respect withparticipants?


How did the facilitators model good interpersonalskills?

57

How were we helped to understand what will takeplace in class?

What was easy about practicing the skills? Whatwas hard?

Exercise 4: Group Dynamics, Some TypicalChallenges, and Establishing Respect

This exercise is done in several small groups(between six and twelve people). Before breakinginto small groups, ask all participants to brain-storm a list of behaviors that challenge facilitatorsworking with groups of parents. Assign three orfour behaviors to each small group and have themsuggest possible ways of managing the behavior.Have small groups report their ideas to the wholegroup as time allows. Refer to Chapter 4 for adiscussion about group dynamics. Lists can becollected, typed, and mailed to participants.

Exercise 5: Establishing Respect

Refer to Chapter 3 on empowerment to preparefor this exercise. Working with the whole group,use newsprint to record responses and brainstorma list of feelings trainees might have about abusiveparents. Acknowledge the feelings—hopelessness,frustration, anger, empathy, and sorrow are somethat people mention. List ideas about how we canbuild on empathy to create an atmosphere inwhich parents can safely talk about feelings andtry new skills. List ways to deal with hopelessnesswithout judging and moralizing. Refer to theempowerment belief statements in Chapter 3.

Focus on each belief statement and ask partici-pants to suggest specific ways that facilitators candemonstrate the beliefs to parents. For example,facilitators can acknowledge that all families havestrengths by offering encouragement whenparents contribute good ideas to a group discus-sion. These notes can also be typed and sent toparticipants.

Overview of Session 8


Where and How Can PSWS Be Used

Refer to the Introduction to this manual to pre-pare for this exercise. Review local current

programs if appropriate for the group. Describethe programs that operate in Tompkins andBroome counties. Describe situations in which theParenting Skills Workshop Series is used byprofessionals in their work setting. For example, aclass for parents whose children have disabilitiesoffered at the Special Children’s Center, a classfor parents who are recovering from substanceabuse at a residential treatment center, or a classfor parents who are incarcerated. Have partici-pants break into small groups of people who workwith parents in similar ways. One group mayinclude people who work with parents at homesuch as home visitors or public health nurses; onemay include people who work with parents ingroups in a treatment center; and so on. Ask thegroups to respond to the following questions:

How could PSWS be valuable in my work setting?

What are the barriers to using it in my worksetting?

What are some steps I (we) can take to implementPSWS?

Evaluation and Questions

Ask participants what questions need morediscussion. Are they ready to cofacilitate a series?Ask them to complete the evaluation forms. Besure your mailing list is accurate.

Closing Circle

Go around the room asking each person to saysomething she or he has gained from the work-shop.

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Chapter 9

EVALUATION

The Final Session

Evaluation provides program staff and funderswith meaningful data for improving the implemen-tation and overall quality of the program. Bothqualitative and quantitative data are obtained.

Meaning and understanding must be derived fromthe varied perspectives of parents and facilitators,keeping in mind that vast sociocultural andindividualistic differences may exist among theparticipants. Client satisfaction surveys andfacilitators’ reports and debriefing provide contex-tually based data, and systematic analysis facili-tates an understanding of the program’s effect.

Evaluation information is collected by the pro-gram coordinator or a facilitator during the eighthclass. The evaluation is consistent with thephilosophy of the program, that is, informative forfacilitators and funders but not intimidating toparents. The measurement instruments and theiradministration are not dependent on participants’reading ability. If necessary, the evaluator pro-vides one-to-one assistance to parents to com-plete the evaluation.

Participants are asked to complete two simplefeedback sheets. The evaluator leads asemistructured group interview with the partici-pants to gain more information about their generalsatisfaction with the series. Which skills are beingused; how parents have changed the way theyhandle their children; how they feel about thechild care, the time of the series, the site, theroom, and the skills of the facilitators; how theylearned about the class; what other skills theywould like to learn; and whether they wouldrecommend the series to a friend are examples oftopics that can be included in the discussion.

Participants are given the opportunity to talkamong themselves, without the presence of thefacilitators, about their feelings concerning theclass, curriculum, and structure.

Quantitative data consider the bigger picture andcome from registration and attendance sheets,class observation, and record keeping required forservice plans and referrals. A well-defined record-keeping process, developed in collaboration withfunding and referral agencies, assures that neces-sary information can be transferred while main-taining clients’ confidentiality. This is importantinformation and is essential for preparing fundingrequests and evaluating whether the programreduces costs by decreasing or limiting theduration of out-of-home placement of children.

Telephone Interview

The telephone survey is a data-collection instru-ment designed to be used approximately threemonths following the last PSWS class. Its purposeis twofold: first, to gather data for a richer senseof what works from the perspectives of theparents who participated in the program, andsecond, to collect qualitative data on how theprogram might be improved. This guide can befound with the other evaluation materials at theend of this manual.

At the end of the last class, the facilitator shouldinvite the parents to respond to a follow-uptelephone interview. Let them know that you willbe calling them in about three months to see howthey are doing and how well the skills are workingfor them.

60

Approximately three months after the last class,begin calling those parents who agreed to be partof the survey. Bear in mind that your role as an“insider” is expected to enhance both the conver-sational tone of the interviews and the quality ofthe data you collect. Remember to stress theconfidentiality of the telephone interview, as wellas the contributions the parents will be makingtoward improving the overall program by sharingtheir experiences, opinions, and ideas with you. Itis also important to make a statement similar tothe following to each parent before beginning theactual interview:

“We believe that your ideas and suggestions willhelp improve the parenting classes. It is importantfor you to understand that I will not report thedetails of anything you share with me and thatwhat you say will in no way influence your futureparticipation in any of the programs or servicesoffered by or through Cornell Cooperative Exten-sion and/or the Department of Social Services (orother agencies as applicable).”

Notes taken during the phone conversation shouldbe sufficient, although it might be helpful to tape-record the interviews to provide a means ofverifying quotations and avoiding omissions.Respondents must be told that the interviews arebeing tape-recorded, and this could threaten theconversational tone you will want to establish.This is a question you will need to answer foryourself.

Immediately following the telephone interview,take time to complete the Interviewer’s Log(found in the PSWS telephone survey guide).Note who facilitated the classes, when they wereheld, the date of the interview, and the approxi-mate amount of time it took to conduct theinterview. Jot down your overall perceptionsabout the interview and include a brief demo-graphic description of the respondent. Note howtruthful or honest the respondent seemed to be.How comfortable did the person seem to be inresponding to the questions? Note any underlyingthemes evidenced during the interview. Finally, inthe spirit of reciprocity and strengthening rela-tionships, we suggest that you take time to write ashort note to each of the survey respondents,thanking them for participating in the study and

perhaps encouraging them to continue theircommitment to being a better parent by takingpart in PSWS support groups.

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BIBLIOGRAPHY

Birckmayer, Jennifer. Discipline Is Not a Dirty

Word. Ithaca, N.Y.: Cornell Cooperative Exten-sion, 1987; rev. ed. 1995.

Dinkmeyer, Donald, and Gary D. McKay. System-


Parent’s Handbook. Circle Pines, Minn.: Ameri-can Guidance Service, 1989.

Dinkmeyer, Donald, Sr., Gary D. McKay, andJames S. Dinkmeyer. Systematic Training for

Effective Parenting: Parenting Young Chil-

dren. Circle Pines, Minn.: American GuidanceService, 1989.

Dreikurs, Rudolf, with Vicki Stoltz. Children: The

Challenge. New York: Plume, 1992.

Goldstein, Arnold P., Harold Keller, and DianeErné. Changing the Abusive Parent. Champaign,Ill.: Research Press, 1985.

Goldstein, Arnold P., Robert P. Sprafkin, N. JaneGershaw, and Paul Klein. Skillstreaming the

Adolescent. Champaign, Ill.: Research Press,1980.

Gordon, Thomas. Parent Effectiveness Training.

New York: Plume, 1975.

Popkin, Michael H. Active Parenting Today.

Atlanta: Active Parenting Today Publishers, 1993.

Popkin, Michael H. Active Parenting Today; The

Basics. Atlanta: Active Parenting Today Publish-ers, 1993.

Vanderslice, Virginia, with Florence Cherry,Moncrieff Cochran, and Christiann Dean. Com-

munication for Empowerment: A Facilitator’s

Manual of Empowering Teaching Techniques.

Ithaca, N.Y.: Cornell Cooperative Extension, n.d.

Resources for Growth and Development

Child Development Posters. Item 251, MELD,123 North Third Street, Suite 507, Minneapolis,MN 55401.

How I Grow, Birth through Five, A Guidebook forParents, The University of the State of New York,State Education Department, Office for Educationof Children with Handicapping Conditions,Albany, NY 12234.

Baby and Me. Cooperative Extension, Universityof California, Dorothea Cudaback, U.C. Coopera-tive Extension Human Relations Specialist,College of Natural Resources, Room 101, GianinniHall, University of California, Berkeley, CA 94720.

Because Youth Matter. Unit 1, University ofMassachusetts Cooperative Extension System,Amherst, MA 01002.

Picturing Development. DHHS Publication No.(OHDS) 84-31138, U.S. Department of Health andHuman Services, Office of Human DevelopmentServices, Administration for Children, Youth andFamilies, Head Start Bureau, Washington, DC20090.

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Appendix

RESULTS OF ATELEPHONE SURVEY

his evaluation of a Parenting SkillsWorkshop Series was conducted in 1994by June Mead of Cornell University.T Male 2: Age 31, married, unemployed, attended

classes with his wife [female 1], prohibited fromseeing wife and three daughters (ages 9, 11, and13) except during supervised visitations.

Male 3: Age 36, single father, employed, onedaughter and one son (ages 10 and 8).

Female 1: Age 29, married, employed, threedaughters (ages 9, 11, and 13); husband [male 2]prohibited from seeing wife and daughters exceptduring supervised visitations.

Female 2: Age 32, single mother, employed, oneson (age 9).

Female 3: Age 21, single, unemployed, lives withfather of children, one boy (age 3) and one girl(age 2).

Female 4: Age 23, single at the time of the classes,unemployed, moved and got married shortly aftercompleting the classes, two sons (ages 8 and 4)and one daughter (age 2).

Female 5: Mid-forties, married, unemployed, twosons (ages 14 and 4). Respondent has multiplephysical and mental health problems and is onmedications. Attended classes with her husband[male 1]. The 14-year-old son is a ward of the stateand is currently at a work farm.

Purpose of the Telephone Survey

The purpose of the telephone interviews wastwofold: first, to gather data for a richer sense ofwhat works and how the program might beimproved from the perspectives of parents whoparticipated in it and second, to pilot an interviewguide for future use by PSWS trainers and facilita-tors.

The Respondents

Participants (n = 8; females = 5, males = 3) fromthe LIFE (Living Improvement through FamilyEducation) parenting classes sponsored byCornell Cooperative Extension of Broome County,closely following the PSWS curriculum. The eightLIFE classes were held at the Binghamton Self-Sufficiency Center, 435 W. State Street,Binghamton, May 12, 1994, to June 30, 1994. Theclasses were conducted from 6:00 to 8:00 P.M. bytwo experienced facilitators, Art Gladstone andJill Alford. All of the participants (n = 12) whoattended this series of classes were court man-dated to do so. All participants were invited to berespondents to this telephone survey; only thosewho agreed to be telephoned were selected asrespondents. A brief demographic description ofthe respondents follows.

Male 1: Age 39, married, employed, two sons(ages 14 and 4), attended classes with his wife[female 5].

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Data Log

Interviewer: June P. Mead, 195 S. WashingtonStreet, Binghamton, New York 13903. Phone(607) 772-8036; FAX (607) 772-8243

Conducted: October 3–27, 1994 (approximatelythree months following the end of the parentingclasses).

Data: Field notes taken during telephone inter-views, which lasted approximately 15 to 20minutes each.

Interview Data

Before beginning each interview, the interviewerstressed the confidentiality of the study as well asthe contributions interviewees were making tostrengthen and improve the overall LIFE/PSWSprogram by sharing their experiences, opinions,and ideas. In addition, the following statementwas read to each respondent: “We believe thatyour ideas and suggestions will help improve theclasses. It is important for you to understand thatI will not report the details of anything you sharewith me, and that what you say will in no wayinfluence your future participation in any of theprograms or services offered by or throughCornell Cooperative Extension and/or the Depart-ment of Social Services.”

Question 1.

Can you tell me a little bit about what got youinterested in attending the parenting classesand why you decided to participate in them?

We were having problems with our oldest boy.[male 1]

It’s been a nightmare. I just want to get back withmy family. So our caseworker got us into it, Isuppose, but I wanted to do it, if it would make adifference. I’ve never laid a hand on any of thegirls, but [wife’s name] and I have gone around afew times and that’s why they [DSS] think I have aproblem with the girls, but that’s a whole otherstory. [male 2]

The caseworker say I had to go. The kids werereally giving me a time. So maybe this might helpis what she said. [male 3]

It was a mandated situation, I guess you could saythe Department of Social Services sent us.[female 1]

Because I had heard a lot about them and as partof a way was to see what it was all about.[female 2]

My caseworker at Social Services told me.[female 3]

My caseworker said I should go. [female 4]

Social services told me they were available and totry them for some ideas because we were havingso many problems with the 14-year-old. [female 5]

Question 2.

As you think about the classes you attended,what stands out for you? What do you remem-ber most about participating in the classes andthe homework assignments?

Nothing really, maybe that it was fun most of thetime. [male 1]

My temper is the issue. Self-control is just notpossible when it gets to a certain point. [male 2]

How easy it was to say what I needed to say. Ifound out I wasn’t alone and that it’s bad some-times but it could be worse, like with [names ofother members of the class]. [male 3]

I think that the play acting helps people getinvolved and helps them understand. It’s impor-tant in letting you put it [the skills] into action.[female 1]

That it really works and I get the results [that Iwant] with my son. [female 2]

Learning about self-control so that before Iexplode, I can deal better with the kids. [female 3]

That it was more fun than I thought it would be.[female 4]

It was a lot of fun, especially the skits, I thought itwas very beneficial. [female 5]

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Question 3.

Regarding Skill 1, ENCOURAGEMENT, could youdescribe a situation when you used this skillsuccessfully and how your child (or children)responded when you tried using this skill?

We only have the one [son] now, the 14-year-old isaway, but the little guy is pretty happy most of thetime. I tell him all the time how good I think he isdoing. [male 1]

I’m not used to saying, “I feel whatever.” My girlsknow, they know how I feel, I love them, theyknow it. They are great. It’s just [the system].[male 2]

I’ve been really impressed by how my son is ableto read. I really like it how good he is becomingand I tell him that and he really likes to hear it.[male 3]

Actually, just the other night I had a situationwhere I used this one. My daughter had to havestitches because she cut her head and I wasn’thome when it happened, so the older daughter didall the right steps, like staying calm, and calling911, and I was really pleased and made sure that Itold her how good it made me feel that she wasable to do that. [female 1]

The thing that I feel is really important is thatthese skills or whatever makes us more human. Iget a big smile, a hug from [name of son], or hehears me say I love you more often now. [female2]

I used this a lot with my daughter with pottytraining. I told her that I feel really happy that youare using the toilet. It’s hard to not say, “Goodgirl.” It’s hard to use the “I feel . . . when you . . .”at first. [female 3]

That was hard at first because I don’t, not used tosaying how I feel, but I’ve been trying to use itmore, I guess you could say. [female 4]

I use it all the time, especially with the 4-year-old.[female 5]

Question 4.

Regarding Skill 2, CAN DO, could you describe asituation where you used this skill successfullyand how your child (or children) respondedwhen you tried using this skill?

It works okay, I think. My wife is the one whotakes care of him the most though really becauseshe don’t work. [male 1]

I don’t get to be with them enough [only gets tosee them during supervised visitations]. [male 2]

In New York City we had to cross the street and Itold him he could walk alone on the sidewalk, buthe would have to hold my hand when we werecrossing the street. [male 3]

I really haven’t had the opportunity to put thatone into practice so much. [female 1]

[My son] responds really well to this one, I think ina real positive way. I used to say, “Well you can dothis or that,” but say it more negative, like when Iwould get resistance, I would just say, “Go to yourbedroom and you can get into the shower rightnow!” [female 2]

I do that one all the time. I’ll find them [son anddaughter] something to do, otherwise they fight allthe time. [female 3]

It usually works for a little while, but you need todo it over and over again with little ones, but mykids are pretty good. [female 4]

[Son’s name] has a hard time with that one. I usetime out. He can’t go to preschool because of thepreschool battery. He will throw a temper tantrumat being limited, so now he just goes to day care.He just can’t handle being around a lot of kids.[female 5]

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Question 5.

Regarding Skill 3, CHOICES, could you describea situation when you used this skill successfullyand how your child (or children) respondedwhen you tried using this skill?

My wife gives bad choices so I think that it couldget confusing for the little guy. But I’m not alwayssure what some positive choices would be. Theyshould have like gave us some. [male 1]

I’m not so sure about this one because I don’twant them to have certain choices. They areteenagers pretty much. I don’t want them gettingknocked up so I can’t give them choices like youcan when your kids are little. [male 2]

One time we went shopping and I let my sonchoose between the color jeans he was going toget, but he couldn’t choose about trying them on.[male 3]

My girls are all older, so I don’t really use this onemuch. [female 1]

I use this all the time, and it really works well. Ilove when he says I made a really bad choice. It isalso good after the fact, like after he made achoice he didn’t like, so we can kinda go over it.[female 2]

Same thing as the last one [skill]. [This respondentdidn’t see a difference between Skills 2 and 3.][female 3]

Sometimes they try to be fresh and give mechoices, fresh mouth me. But I think most of thetime they like having choices. [female 4]

You have to limit the choices to no more thanthree. And then don’t change the choices becausethat is going to set the kid off. Express the factthat you should never contradict the other adult[referring to ongoing problem between the twoparents that was evident during the classes].[Husband’s name] is always undermining myauthority. [female 5]

Question 6.

Regarding Skill 4, SELF-CONTROL, could youdescribe a situation when you used this skillsuccessfully and how your child (or children)responded when you tried using this skill?

When we get into it in front of him, that’s not goodso we’ve been trying not to but I really don’t thinkwe lose it on him, maybe still on each other.[male 1]

This is what it is all about for me. But I just get toa point that there’s no going back. Counting don’twork and I feel my blood going into my face, andwatch out! So I don’t use it but I try, I guess. Ikeep trying cause I love them and I don’t want tonot be with them. [male 2]

After one really busy time, my son was trying mypatience and it was getting loud. I was getting hotand itchy and so I turned him over to my aunt andjust got myself out of the situation. [male 3]

Just a couple of months ago, I got to use this onewith the oldest one when she wanted to go toSyracuse with her boyfriend. I told her shecouldn’t go, but she went anyway. She’s only 13,just 13. We had to call the state police to find herat the state fair. I went up there and we went to[name of restaurant] and talked. I did a lot of deepbreathing on the way up there and so I was able tomake her understand what she did was wrong butI didn’t lose it on her. [female 1]

I think that I can handle myself better. I don’tslam so many doors. I just walk away and breathe.[female 2]

I would say that I use this one about ten times aday [laughter] and with the children’s father [theparents are living together but are not married], Iuse it all the time. [female 3]

This is the most important thing that I needed tolearn and I’m pretty great with it like most of thetime. [female 4]

We are both pretty good with the older one notaround to influence [4-year-old’s name]. [female 5]

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Question 7.

Regarding Skill 5, RESPECTING FEELINGS, couldyou describe a situation when you used thisskill successfully and how your child (or chil-dren) responded when you tried using this skill?

I don’t know about this one [skill]. We missed aclass. Maybe this was the one. [male 1]

This just isn’t me and I can’t be something that I’mnot. Understand? It would just be phony and mygirls would know it. [male 2]

This was a real eye-opener for me. All I can thinkof is that one time, my son got angry because mydaughter seemed to be getting more things, stuff,so we talked about his anger and his jealousy andthat when his birthday came, or Christmas, therewould be things for him then. [male 3]

When the situation happened with the oldest[referring to the state fair incident], I tried toshow her that I understood what she wanted to doand told her it was wrong, and that most of all shehad a lot of people scared. [female 1]

We all have our bad days. So this is really a way ofdealing with moodiness. When my kid is beingnasty, I stop to really think about whether itmaybe isn’t me. I say to my son, “I understandhow you feel.” I think that maybe it even works indealing with the absence of his father. I guess youwould say this is a communication skill and that itgoes both ways, it’s putting on the other person’sshoes. [female 2]

Like this one time, when I had to go out and myson is always crying, and I explained to him that Iwill be back and usually it works, if I can makehim understand that I’ll be back and he doesn’tneed to be afraid. [female 3]

I wasn’t too clear about what this was all about.Maybe I missed that class. I know that I missedone when I couldn’t get a ride. [female 4]

We have been doing a lot more talking about howwe are feeling, a lot more. Communication isbetter and also somewhat mellower. [At this pointthe husband’s voice is heard in the backgroundsaying, “Liar!”] [female 5]

Question 8.

Overall, what impact do you feel the programhas had on you? On your child (children)?

The effect was that we have the papers, becausewe got two sets of everything, all over the place,so it’s part of our day. I really think that it helpsthe little guy not having the oldest one around andhe went to the work farm right after the classeswas over so it’s hard to say which helped him themost [the classes or the removal of the oldersibling]. [male 1]

Sometimes I get thinking that I’ll never be backwith them, like what’s the point, why not justmove to another state where we can all be to-gether without all the hassles? But we keep tryingand knowing, or at least feeling that [facilitator’sname] is on our side helps. As far as the kids goes,I think they were happy we went cause they wantus to be together too. [male 2]

I still do think like I did, but when I remember Itry to use the skills. Sometimes I can do it. Withthe kids, well, I would have to say that especiallywhen we use the skills they are a lot more mellow,I think. [male 3]

We [both parents participated in the classes] tooka lot of it to heart. Self-control really benefited[husband’s name], helped him out a lot. We arestill visiting with the [facilitator’s name]. A lot ofthe other people in the classes didn’t take it asseriously, I really feel. They were just playingalong, a lot of them, a lot of the time because theywere mandated. But it helped to talk to otherpeople. It was a big joke to some of the people. [Atthis point, the respondent shared that duringcigarette breaks several of the participants in theclasses talked about “making stuff up that theywant to hear.”] [female 1]

It really pointed out a lot of areas, it pointed outweaknesses in parenting and I wasn’t a bad parentbut I think that the skills have helped me torespect my kid’s feelings, especially the self-control has made me realize that the problemsstart in your own backyard. You set an examplefor the child. [female 2]

Overall I would say that they listen more, and nowI have more self-control. [female 3]

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I would say I’m more calmer. As for the kids, Ithink we get along pretty good, mostly anyhownow that I’m, well, I just got married, and it helpsto have someone else around, you know.[female 4]

I would say it has had an effect on the way we areparenting. It has helped. [female 5]

Question 9.

Do you feel the parenting classes improved therelationship between you and your child (chil-dren)?

Yes. [male 1]

Yes. [male 2]

Yes. [male 3]

Yes. [female 1]

Absolutely, they helped me work on my temper,helped me to lighten up and say, like look at thereal issues here. [female 2]

Yes. [female 3]

Well, they listen when I give them the choices orlike when I tell them, “You really made me happywhen you are good.” That’s a change I think.[female 4]

Yes. [female 5]

Question 10.

Have you had an opportunity to participate inany parent support group meetings?

I’d be interested, maybe, but I don’t know, wehave a lot going on already. [male 1]

If it would help get us back together but I don’tknow, no one seems to be listening to us or givingus a break. [male 2]

Transportation is a problem because the busesdon’t run at night except on Thursdays. [male 3]

No, but we would if it would make a difference[referring to reuniting her family; husband isallowed only supervised visitations]. [female 1]

No, but I still feel like I need more [classes].[female 2]

I wanted to but I haven’t heard anything aboutwhen and stuff. [female 3]

Yeah, I think I would be interested but it might behard now that I’m out in Endicott and the busesdon’t run most nights. [female 4]

Mondays just are not good for us, so I would say,change to Thursdays. [female 5]

Question 11.

What do you think should or could be done toimprove the parenting classes?

Can’t think of anything. [male 1]

Make them [the classes] have some power to getSocial Services off their butts and get off mine.[male 2]

Maybe the classes should go longer, maybe haveus bring the kids to a class. There should be a wayto try out the skills right there, to see if we aredoing them right. The role plays can get goofy,you know what I mean, I mean they just aren’tthat real. [male 3]

I really don’t know, I’m not an expert. [female 1]

I think that you need people to teach the classeswho are believable. They need to be really flex-ible, honest, and stay at the right level. I think thatmaybe they [the classes] need to be longer, youreally need more time with these things. [female2]

Maybe it would be good to meet more often, liketwo times a week. One time to learn stuff and thenext time to like try the stuff out. I was too tiredafter the first part of the class to really get intotrying the stuff. [female 4]

[There should be] more participating, and atten-dance should be stressed. [female 5]

For example, what could be done to make therole plays more effective? More comfortable foryou?

I was okay with it but sometimes I didn’t get it[understand the material]. [male 1]

Sometimes they were just too close to home, ifyou know what I mean. We took the classesseriously but some of the people there weregoofin’ on the instructors and just givin’ ’em whatthey wanted to hear. We took it serious. [male 2]

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Like I said, have the kids right there. [male 3]

The role plays are really important and you needto involve everyone in them. It’s hard for me todeal with other parents who believe in spanking. Idon’t, at all. You have to find a way to involve thepeople who really need it, like them [the people inthe classes who spoke openly about spanking theirchildren], I think. Maybe there should be a like apreclass. Maybe there should be different levels ofclasses for parents with different age kids, like Isaid, I’m not an expert. [female 1]

Well, I think it depends on the person. You need alot of time to get into it, maybe like more hintsabout how to get started. [female 2]

Well they kind of made me feel stupid, but itdepends, sometimes it was almost fun. [female 3]

Like I said, maybe two nights would work better.[female 4]

I just got into them and they are fun. [female 5]

How would you rate the instructors? What couldthey do to make you feel more at ease with thegroup?

Pretty good, they were easy to get along with.[male 1]

Real good, especially [facilitator’s name]. They dida great job and they have stayed available to us,and that I think is important. [male 2]

Great. [male 3]

Very good. [female 1]

I thought that they did a great job. [female 2]

Great, both of them. [female 3]

Okay, I think they were both great. [female 4]

Very good, very good. [female 5]

How convenient was the time and scheduling ofthe classes for you?

Perfect. [male 1]

Okay, except for one night when we went to theschool to see our youngest daughter get an award.I didn’t want to miss and it would have been niceif we could have changed nights or had a make-upclass, or something. Maybe it would be good to

have a chance to make up classes, cause I think itwas on self-control [the night he missed] andthat’s what is the most important for me so Ididn’t want to miss it but you can’t be in twoplaces at the same time, I’ve tried it and it don’twork. [male 2]

Good most of the time. [male 3]

They were okay. [female 1]

Like I said, maybe they could go longer, moreweeks, more time. [female 2]

Okay. [female 3]

Fine. [female 4]

Good! [female 5]

How useful was it to have child careavailable?

That was really great, the both of them liked it.[male 1]

Didn’t need it. [male 2]

I didn’t need it because my ex- had the kids. [male3]

We didn’t need them. [female 1]

Didn’t need to use it. [female 2]

I didn’t use it and really didn’t need it. [female 3]

Didn’t use. [female 4]

It was good, it helped. [4-year-old’s name] loved it!

What could improve the transportationarrangements offered for the classes?

Didn’t need it. [male 1]

It helps a little but we live out so that $3 hardlymakes it. [male 2]

Nothing, it was fine. [male 3]

It was good. [female 1]

Okay, no complaints. [female 2]

The tokens were a great idea and $3 for gas wasgood. [female 3]

No, that was fine, but it could have been closer towhere I used to live. [female 4]

We didn’t need it. [female 5]

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How useful was it to have copies of the skills tohang on the refrigerator?

Like I said, we have them all over the place.[male 1]

It would be more useful to have a refrigerator.Right now I’m pretty much room to room stayingwith different people until I can afford to livesome place. [male 2]

I think it was a good idea. [male 3]

I think it was a good idea. [female 1]

I look at them all the time. [female 2]

No, I have them posted on the living room wall. If Ineed it, it’s right there, because I can see theliving room from almost any other room in theapartment. [female 3]

Definitely. I look at them all the time. I evenremembered to bring them with me when wemoved. [female 4]

We still got them there. [female 5]

What do you think could be done to help youpractice the skills at home?

Maybe they could call and see how you are doing.[male 1]

To be at home, with my family. [male 2]

I think you have to really commit to them, youhave to say, “I’m going to follow through on them,”and then do it. [male 3]

As far as I am concerned, I didn’t think they reallydid it [referring to other people in the classes asthey discussed how they had done the weeklyhomework assignments]. I think they made it up.This is what I heard during the breaks, just givethem [the facilitators] what they want to hear.[female 1]

I think they [the facilitators] should tell you topost them [the skills] in the bathroom or bedroom.I know that I lose things once they go on therefrigerator. But knowing that the teachers weregoing to ask about the homework generally mademe remember to try to do it. [female 2]

Nothing really. [female 3]

Maybe [the facilitators] could like call up duringthe week to remind you because like I couldsometimes forget. [female 4]

They [the facilitators] should remind you moresomehow. [female 5]

Question 12.

Is there anything else you would like to sharewith me about the parenting classes?

No. [male 1]

It would be nice to have somebody say, you needto do this, this, and this and then you can get backwith your family. But instead, they say, we’ll see,and it just seems like it will never end. The classesthemself, they were good. [male 2]

I wish we had more time to talk to one another, tohear what the other people had to say. I would beinterested in maybe an all-male [support] group,as a single father with two kids. [male 3]

I think that they should take the ages of thechildren into consideration and having classes forparents with younger children together and thenhaving teenager parents [parents with teenagers]together might be one way to go. [female 1]

No, I always say, don’t fix what’s not broke.[female 2]

I would have to say that they could have more ofthem. Make them longer each night. I think thatsometimes we had to rush. I think that makingthem 3 to 4 hours per night would give you timeto discuss stuff and get individual help. Because inthe end you can only be patient for so long.[female 3]

I’m just glad I went. I feel better about taking careof my kids. [female 4]

Move them to Thursday or maybe have themThursday and Friday. [female 5]

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Parenting Skills Workshop Series (PSWS)

EVALUATION:FACILITATORTRAININGTo be filled out by participants at the end of the two-day facilitator training.

Thank you for participating in this workshop. It has been fun for us to talk about the Parenting SkillsWorkshop Series and to share our experiences with you. We are constantly looking for ideas to make itbetter and would appreciate your comments.

What was most useful?

Something that is still unclear?

Suggestions for change?

Some ways you plan to use this material?

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EVALUATION:FACILITATORFEEDBACKTo be filled out by facilitators at the conclusion of each Parenting Skills Workshop Series.

Administration

When: At the conclusion of a series of classes

How: Each facilitator is asked to complete and return this form to the program coordinator with thecompleted expense and class sign-in sheets.

Purposes

• To gain facilitators’ insight regarding the impact of the program on the participants

• To improve program implementation

Questions

1. What do you think was the most successful aspect of this series? Please explain why.

1a. What was the least successful aspect? Please explain why.

2. What part of the workshop was easiest to facilitate? Please explain why.

2a. What was the hardest to facilitate? Please explain why.

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FACILITATOR FEEDBACK

3. In what ways did you and your cofacilitator work well together?

3a. What problems did you have working together?

4. Would you say most parents were seriously engaged in participating? If so, why?If not, what might be the reason?

5. What positive impacts did you observe or hear described?

6. Overall, what impact do you think the program had on the parents?

7. What additional support or supplies could we provide that would be helpful?

Thank you for taking the time and effort to complete this form. Your ideas and suggestions are importantto us as we continue to look for ways to improve the Parenting Skills Workshop Series. Please call at anytime if you have specific concerns you would like to talk with us about.

Facilitator: (name)

For series held: (dates)

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EVALUATION:PARTICIPANTRESPONSESTo be administered to participants during Week 8 of the Parenting Skills Workshop Series.

Administration

When: At the conclusion of a series, during the last meeting

Where: At the PSWS class site

How: The program coordinator verbally asks for participants’ feedback

Purposes

• To encourage participants to expand on their written feedback

• To gather information on what works from the perspectives of the parents who have just participated inthe program

• To collect information on how the implementation of the program might be improved while it is fresh inthe participants’ minds

We suggest that the coordinators use the following questions to guide a discussion allowing theseries participants to expand on or clarify their comments on the Parents’ Feedback Form:

1. Tell me what you liked best about the classes.

2. What did you find was the most helpful to you?

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2a. Which of the skills do you use most often?

Probe: With what results?

2b. Which of the skills don’t you use very often?

Probe: Can you tell me why you don’t use the skills?

Probe: What could be done to make this skill easier for you to use?

3. Tell us how the classes have helped you with your child or children?

Probe: Give us an example of how you are parenting differently.

PARTICIPANT RESPONSES

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4. Is there anything else you would like to share with us about the classes?

Probe: How could the classes be improved?

Probe: How have the classes benefited you?

Thank you for participating in the PSWS. Your contribution to the classes was very important. We hopethat you will continue to learn all you can about becoming the best parent you can be.

Program Coordinator’s Log

Filling in the following information about the participants will help you to document the impact of thePSWS. It can be completed from referral or enrollment data.

This discussion was conducted: (date)

Conducted by: (name)

For PSWS classes held: (dates)

Write the number of participants in each category below.

Participants Participants’ children Ethnicity

_______ Males _______ 0–2 years _______ Caucasian

_______ Females _______ 3–5 years _______ African American

_______ 6–11 years _______ Native American

_______ 12 and over _______ Hispanic

_______ Asian

_______ Other (specify)

____________________________

PARTICIPANT RESPONSES

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EVALUATION:PARENT FEEDBACK

To be offered to participants at the conclusion of the Parenting Skills Workshop Series.

Your ideas and suggestions about the classes you just completed are very important to us. Please take afew minutes to answer the following questions. Answer as honestly as you can. Your answers will help usto improve future classes.

1. What did you like best about the program?

2. What was most helpful to you?

3. How have the classes helped you parent your children?

4. How can we improve the classes?

5. Is there anything else you would like to share with us about the classes?

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PARENT FEEDBACK

Place an “X” in the circle that matches how included you felt in the group.

In a few words explain why you felt this way.

Your comments

Sources: A Leader’s Guide to Exploring Parenting (Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services), adapted by ChristiannDean in Cooperative Communication between Home and School: An In-Service Education Program for Elementary School Teachers

(Ithaca: Cornell Cooperative Extension, n.d.).

VERY INCLUDED 1 2 3 4 5 NOT INCLUDED

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EVALUATION:TELEPHONE SURVEYLooking at the Program from Parents’ Perspectives

To be administered by a program facilitator or program coordinator three months after theconclusion of the Parenting Skills Workshop Series.

Purpose of the interview guide: The purpose of this guide is twofold: first, to provide trainers andfacilitators with an instrument for gathering information relevant to program improvement; and second, toenhance their sense of what works from the perspectives of parents who participate in PSWS.

Interview Guide

Introduction (Interviewers should feel free to adapt the following introduction to their own per-

sonal style, remembering that it is important not to intimidate the interviewees. Points to stress:

the confidentiality of the study and the contributions interviewees are making to strengthening/

improving the overall program by sharing their opinions and ideas.)

Hello, my name is _______________. I work for Cornell Cooperative Extension in ____(insert

county)___. I am involved with the Parenting Skills Workshop Series that you participated in

____(insert when the classes were held)____. We are in the process of conducting an evaluation

of the parenting classes to see what can be done to improve them. We are also interested in

knowing whether you feel your participation in the program benefited you and your family. I’d

very much like to ask you a few questions about the classes. It will only take a few minutes of

your time. [Pause.] Is this something you would like to participate in? [Give the respondent an

opportunity to decline.]

Your participation in this evaluation study is completely voluntary. What you have to share with

me will remain confidential. If you wish to say something off the record, just tell me and it will not

be included. You may choose not to answer any question you are not comfortable answering.

Nevertheless, what you have to say is extremely important. We believe that your ideas and sug-

gestions will help improve the classes. It is important for you to understand that I will not report

the details of anything you share with me and that what you say will in no way influence your

future participation in any of the programs or services offered by or through Cooperative Exten-

sion (Department of Social Services, and/or other agencies, as applicable). Are there any ques-

tions before we begin? [Pause.]

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TELEPHONE SURVEY

Question 1. Can you tell me a little bit about how you got interested in attending theparenting classes and why you decided to participate in them?

Question 2. As you think about the classes you attended, what stands out in yourmind? What do you remember most about participating in the classes?

Transition: Next I would like to ask you more specifically about the parenting skillswe learned about in class.

(Format for Questions 3 through 7: Briefly review (paraphrase) each skill, giving the parent time

to reflect on his or her experience using the skill. For example, you might share your own experi-

ence using this skill. Then ask the skill-related question.)

Skill 1: ENCOURAGEMENT



3. Say it: “I feel . . . that. . . .”


Question 3. Could you describe a situation when you usedSkill 1, ENCOURAGEMENT, successfully?

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TELEPHONE SURVEY

Probe: How has your child (or children) responded when you have tried using thisskill?

Skill 2: CAN DO





Question 4. Could you describe a situation when you used Skill 2, CAN DO success-fully?


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Skill 3: CHOICES


2. Your child and you think of two or more reasonable choices.

3. Have your child choose and tell you the choice.


Question 5. Could you describe a situation when you used Skill 3, CHOICES, success-fully?


Skill 4: SELF-CONTROL

1. Pay attention to body messages that tell you that you are about to lose control.




TELEPHONE SURVEY

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TELEPHONE SURVEY

Question 6. Could you describe a situation when you used Skill 4,SELF-CONTROL, successfully?


Skill 5: RESPECTING FEELINGS


2. Think of a word that describes what your child might be feeling.

3. Think about why your child might be feeling this way.


Question 7. Could you describe a situation when you used Skill 5, RESPECTINGFEELINGS, successfully?

TELEPHONE SURVEY

86


Question 8. Overall, what impact do you feel the program has had on you?

Probe: What impact do you feel the program has had on your child (children)?

Question 9. In what ways do you feel the parenting classes improved the relationshipbetween you and your child (children)?

Question 10. Have you had an opportunity to participate in any parent support groupmeetings?

_______ No _______ Yes

TELEPHONE SURVEY

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(If yes) Could you tell a little about your participation? What do you get out of themeetings? How are they useful to you?

(If no) Would you be interested in participating in a parent support group at somefuture time?

Question 11. What do you think should or could be done to improve the parentingclasses?

Probes:

For example, what could be done to make the role plays more effective? More comfort-able for you?

TELEPHONE SURVEY

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What could we do to make you feel more at ease with the group?

How convenient was the time and scheduling of the classes for you?

How useful was it to have child care available?

How could the transportation arrangements offered for the classes be improved?

How useful was it to have copies of the skills to hang on the refrigerator?

TELEPHONE SURVEY

89

What do you think could be done to help you practice the skills at home?

Question 12. Is there anything else you would like to share with me about theparenting classes?

Closure and next steps: (To be adapted to the interviewer’s personal style.)

Thank you for speaking with me. I’ve enjoyed talking to you very much. Your ideas arevery important to us as we strive to make the PSWS the best it can be. Your ideas andsuggestions will be incorporated into a set of program improvement recommendations.Thank you once again for your time. I hope to see you at the next PSWS support groupmeeting.

Interviewer’s Log: (To be completed immediately after the telephone

interview.)

Facilitator:

For classes held:

Date of interview:

Length of time:

TELEPHONE SURVEY

90

Overall perceptions: (Include a brief demographic description of the

respondent.)

Data quality: (How truthful was the respondent? How comfortable did the person

seem to be in responding to the questions?)

Analytic comments: (Did this respondent voice any underlying or recurrent

themes?)

parentin g skills

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