orgo night spring 2016

8/17/2019 Orgo Night Spring 2016

1/23

[Roar]

{SANTA}

Ladies and gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite

multiple fuck yous, it’s the most #CANCELLED band in the world, the

Columbia University Marching BOO BOO TRASH!

[Fanfare]

{RON}

Featuring:

J. Donald Trump: Building a Wall

J. Barnard Library: Tearing down a wall

J. “Activists”: Shitposting all over the Facebook wall

[Fanfare]


2/23

{SANTA}

Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous,

sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, semicentennial, solipsistic,

recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation! College Library, where

the shelves are long lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are

checked out but long overdue. As well as student minimum wage going up,

student sleep hours going down, and temperatures at an alltime so low it’s

illegal to fuck it, the Band now presents its 63rd consecutive, 69th

semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while

consummating the world’s largest simultaneous Orgo! And so, in the

interest of everyone’s enjoyment:

{SANTA}

SEAS students, please turn off your Android devices.

{RON}

GS students, please turn up your hearing aids.


3/23

{SANTA}

CC students, please set your cell phones to vibrate.

{RON}

Barnard students, please set your vibrators to phone. Let’s start the show!

[Who Owns]

{JOKE 1–TAMPONGATE}

{SANTA}

Student government was more effective than usual this semester, which is

to say it achieved only slightly more than the Oscars would let any black

actor achieve during awards season. Barnard’s outgoing SGA president

wrote an op-ed begging to be freed from the human centipede that is the

Barnard administration. ESC debated whether diversity should take up 50%

of its agenda or 80% of its agenda. But all that pales in comparison to the

efficiency of CCSC, which was determined to prove that frat boys can

organize things other than beer pong tournaments. Like water pong

tournaments!


4/23

First came the news that Ben Makansi had jokingly appointed Deantini as

Head of Public Safety, which actually makes sense. Drinking a Deantini will

make your vision as blurry as those photos in the Clery crime alerts. And

probably just as racist.

Then, CCSC victoriously announced that they had placed 3-ply toilet paper

in Hartley, available for pick-up for Columbia students whose assholes are

as sensitive as their feelings. But what do you expect from a student body

that is so lazy that it can’t fold toilet paper 3 times?

However, the most overblown of all CCSC policies was Tampongate, or as

it’s also known: Menstrual Blood-gazi. This should've been a no-brainer.

After all, people here actually have a need for free tampons, unlike free

condoms. But then CCSC moved to give students free pads as well, which

was regarded by Health Services as an unnecessary upgrade from

extra-privileged to MAXI-privileged.


5/23

The bloodbath began when CCSC president, Ben

“Ma-can’t-see-what-pads-are-for,” and ESC president, Caroline “Didn’t

bother to explain” Park, posted in the Class of 2016 Facebook group asking

for reasons Health Services should also provide pads. Little did Ben realize

his subtly worded reminder that he has a penis would annoy students. The

senior class could have been helpful and actually answered his question so

they could just get free pads. Instead, they took the opportunity to create

some extra drama to alleviate the terror of entering the real world, where

identity politics and fighting on Facebook won't get you an apology and free

shit. People currently on their period were pissed that they had to explain

why they may not want to shove a $0.25 cardboard dildo up their vaginas,

cis men were pissed that there was a discussion that didn’t explicitly

require their opinion, and Catholics were just worried that using tampons

counted as losing their virginity.

But for all the attention given to the Facebook skullfuckery, the real

question everyone should be asking is... WHY does Health Services know

less about periods than a Republican Presidential Candidate... or Ted

Cruz?


6/23

Between Makansi, Park, and that nurse who extracted your 2 week-old

tampon from your uterus, you're seriously telling us none of them bothered

to Google why some people with vaginas might prefer pads?

It’s literally the job of Health Services to understand the student body’s

bodies. Period! And shockingly, some of those bodies have uteri! This begs

the question, what else does Health Services not know about? Do they

think that every student on campus is actually 21 years old? Do they think

that Herpes is some new messaging app? Do they think that the best cure

for a sprained ankle is a lemon wedge and instructions to walk it off like a

man?

At least now that Columbia finally has free tampons and pads, we can say

for sure that the students will be bitching about the lack of diva cups next

year.

In honor of tampons, the band now forms an amputated leg and plays

“Toxic Shock Syndrome”


7/23

[TOXIC]

{JOKE 2–CDCJ}

{RON}

Columbia has as many shitty traditions as your inbox has course evaluation

reminders. There’s Primal Scream, which is known in the neighborhood as

“when to get away with murder.” There’s the annual celebration of Barnard

students getting to be the Dom: Big Sub. Then there’s Varsity Show,

which this year celebrated its 122nd “How Many Times Can We Say Dead

White Man” performance. And of course, who could forget Columbia’s

longstanding (or long-sitting) tradition of the Days on Campus Protest.

Three weeks ago, while you fossil fuel enablers spent your week ditching

class, watching Netflix, and bitching about the administration, Columbia

Divest for Climate Justice heroically fought the system by storming Low...

ditching class, watching Netflix, and bitching about the administration.


8/23

That’s right, after postponing their civil disobedience plans from last

semester, these wannabe Loraxes spent five months developing a new

strategy: they would Seamless Dig Inn rather than Swәetgreen—because

as every hippie knows, organic mac & cheese constipation is much more

tolerable than kale shits. To be fair, they also spent that time discussing

important, substantive policy issues, like whether it still counts as “saving”

the environment if you leave halfway through for your Saturday gym class.

After all their planning, CDCJ entered Low with a mission—force Prezbo to

submit to their demands through chanting, signage, and egregious body

odor. Leading the fight to rid Low of the protesters, armed with a bottle of

Febreeze, was Suzanne Goldberg, Rules Administrator, Executive Vice

President for University Life, and ~Master-of-all-that-she-surveys~. But

Goldberg soon realized that a simple squirt with a water bottle and yelling

“BAD CDCJ” wasn’t going to cut it. So she came up with a plot more

contrived than V-Show 122 and immediately shut down the entire building,

at once rendering the ineffective protest effective.


9/23

Meanwhile, conspicuously absent from the protest was Prezbo himself,

who was away in California mourning the loss of beloved soup inventor, Bill

Campbell; whose decades-long fight to save the football team finally

climaxed when they won two whole games this year.

By the end of their occupation, CDCJ somehow only managed to push

back their scheduled meeting with Prezbo, proving themselves to be about

as ineffective as their climate change proposals. But what else do we

expect from a school where posting “fuck you” on facebook counts as

actual thoughtful activism. To be clear, we in the band agree with CDCJ's

goals—the only climate change that we want to see is it FINALLY

GETTING FUCKING WARM OUTSIDE AGAIN.

All CDCJ seemed to really successfully occupy was Spec, which took a

break from beating the dead horse of whatever the heck they write about,

to cover the protest with a liveblog, livestream, two photo essays, a handful

of op-eds, and an airplane over campus dragging a banner saying

“PLEASE READ US” across the sky.


10/23

But CDCJ at least achieved a moral victory when Bernie Sanders tweeted

in support of their efforts, the only Bernie-related victory in New York all

semester.

In honor of slacktivism, the band now forms low steps and plays Drowsy

Together.

[HAPPY TOGETHER]

{JOKE 3–SORORITY}

{SANTA}

Every year, when it gets warm, two things become absolutely certain:

swamp ass is happening in every SEAS boy’s cargo shorts, and sorority

girls are taking graduation photos on the steps. Unlike swamp ass, sorority

girls are not in a SEAS boy's pants, but much like the musky bog in and

around the asshole, sorority girls are hugely irritating!


11/23

It all started when Kappa Alpha Theta—also known as Kanta Aholda

Theirliquor—showed new members a video where Delta Sig boys roasted

the sorority Delta Gamma—also known as Dong Guzzlers. To be clear,

there’s nothing wrong with being a Dong Guzzler; in fact, it’s a relief to hear

about Columbia students using their big mouths for something other than a

self-righteous rant.

In the video, one Delta Sig boy says: “Fuck DG.” And his male

escort—sorry, frat brother—responds “I’ve already fucked half of them.”

Because, again, nothing screams “I’m totally not into socratic gayboy love”

like paying money to hang out with other men for four years, and then

bragging loudly and totally not self-consciously to them about how many

girls you fuck.


12/23

And yet, somehow, immediately after this, Theta landed a New York Times

article about how feminist it is. That’s like Jay-Z getting a “husband of the

year” award, or Bernie Sanders saying he’s winning the Democratic

nomination, or a Syrian child passing Columbia’s swim test. Sororities, the

article said, have thrown off the shackles of the darker times, when they

focused on, oh, I don’t know, stuff like pettily slandering other sororities.

After all, the article explained, sororities are now just feminist breeding

grounds. By that logic, Barnard is the biggest sorority on campus.

But Theta’s feminist rebranding ran into problems on account of its

Prohibition-era alcohol policies, written when liquor was neither seen nor

heard, just like the women! But this rule-breaking could have been kept as

secret as Martin O’Malley’s presidential campaign if it hadn’t been for

Columbia’s premiere source for Facebook reposts, Bwog!

That’s right, Bwog got the dirt by putting up an article featuring a snapchat

of a cheeky Theta member next to bottles of vodka, rum, and the semen of

past conquests.


13/23

While some were surprised that Bwog somehow still exists, most people

were surprised that they neglected to blur out the girl’s name, or her clearly

identifiable ass-cheeks. In fact, the uproar in the comments section was so

great that Bwog put the Editor-in-Chief out of his misery, which, knowing

Bwog’s revolving door of Editor in Chiefs, is about as surprising as

sororities drinking in the first place. Here’s a tip for Bwog: just hire the

sorority girl to be your next EIC, since she’s already calling the shots about

your content.

But at least this scandal distracted Columbia from the bigger issue of

sorority recruitment. In the unfortunately alliterative and perhaps culturally

appropriative Spec op-ed, “Why I said Sayonara to Sororities,” the author

accused recruitment of being shallow and based on looks and small talk,

which, incidentally, perfectly describes the Jarred Fogel Big Brother

program. I mean, what did she fucking expect? Claiming that the sisterhood

you pay $400 a semester for is “fake” is like claiming that there might be

puke in the Carman elevators during NSOP. The only thing worse than a

“friend” who tags you in ugly candid photos is a sister who screenshots

your ugly candid photos and tips them to Bwog.


14/23

Still, we have to ask: How the frick frack are any of these scandalous!? The

fact that sororities drink booze, flash ass, and can’t stand each other isn’t

exactly new. But, sorority hijinks are so common that we somehow care

less about them than we do about whatever the fuck Apartheid Divest did

this semester. Maybe next year, sororities will be able to admit what

they’re really about–giving Ivy League nerds to opportunity to pretend to be

hot.

In honor of sisterhood, the band now forms a big ol’ bottle of booze and

plays “I’ll make a Sorority Woman Out of You”

[MULAN]


15/23

{JOKE 4–STATUE}

{RON}

Guys, we’re about to read the statüe joke. But we just want to take a

moment to say “Fuck all of you for making this a big enough deal we had to

actually write about this shit. You guys are all massive Dum-Dum Idiots for

making the New York Times write about this piece of shit, instead of an

actually important issue.

Okay, let’s get this over with…

First off, someone in the administration must have a fetish for sculptures

that look like they were designed by horny garbage compactors. I mean, if

walking into the Law Library underneath a sculpture of tangled sex with

magical horses is their cup of tea, fine—we in the band will never say “nay”

to horse sex. But that doesn’t mean the rest of the student body enjoys

passing by a monolith to their weird, creepy kinks every time they want to

go to EC and gently make love to their suite’s fire extinguisher until it

sprays white goo, like normal people.


16/23

This new sculpture is no exception, since it looks like the stain left on the

sheets after the Pan sculpture hate-fucked the Tooth. But according to

Columbia Facilities’ unread, unheard of, and unnecessary sculpture blog,

Reclining Figure depicts a woman with her legs spread, waiting to get

fucked by the administration–just like the rest of us. Columbia somehow

saw no problem with putting this female figure in front of Butler, a building

with less gender diversity than a Harvard social club. And it’s not like there

can’t be a good sculpture of a woman: we’re pretty sure everyone on

campus respects Alma Mater more than Prezbo... not just because

students actually see her around campus, but because she’s way cooler

about drunk students climbing on top of her.

But we have to ask—has Henry Moore ever even seen what a woman

looks like? Why is the only feature distinguishing this woman from a post

JJ’s bowel movement the taped-on titty? Was he spurned by a middle

school crush, vowing never to lay eyes on a woman again? Who hurt you,

Henry Moore?


17/23

But Henry Moore’s mommy issues don’t let the rest of you assholes off the

hook. While there is something to be said about putting a vaguely-female

sculpture in front of some strongly-phallic columns, most detractors of the

sculpture were busy yelling, “It’s ugly!”, and “I hate it!”, and “I’m afraid of

any minor changes in my life!”

For all the talk about needing those five square feet of grass to play frisbee,

the lawns have emptier than they were during Bacchanal. But because you

insisted on your right to a patch of grass you didn’t give a shit about before,

Student Council actually had to send out a survey asking “Do you like the

statue,” as if the administration would ever listen to our opinions. CCSC

could have saved themselves the effort if students just stopped going

outside! Think of all the fun things you can do indoors, like slowly melting

into the fabric of your mattress as your body withers and deconstructs in

the rank, fart-moist air.

The only people who seem to be in favor of the sculpture are art history

majors, the three of you who didn’t sleep through Art Hum, and Spec’s

rick131. To be fair, maybe we’re being a bit hard on the art history majors.


18/23

After all, if you’re going to pay a quarter million dollars for a degree in

“unemployable,” you should at least have a say in what shitty art is

displayed on campus.

In honor of taped-on tities, the band forms a pile of breasts and plays

“Game of Thrones.”

[GAME OF THRONES]

{JOKE 5–BARNARD}

{SANTA}

This year for Barnard was like a freshman’s first frat party hookup. In other

words, full of initial excitement and ultimately floppy disappointments.

First, there’s Overheard @ Barnard, which was originally meant as some

sort of safe space for both Barnard students and 50-comment threads

about Marxism.


19/23

The group was discovered and colonized by Columbia students when a

Barnard student posted a picture of herself in bed with half of Rae

Sremmurd, which would have been really cool if anyone had actually cared

about Bacchanal this year. We in the band have to say, for a group called

"overheard," it's weird that its most famous post is a picture. Yet the peak of

Overheard at Barnard was also a preview of its fall from grace, as

arguments about consent and trigger warnings divided the college faster

than an Orgo Night survey.

Next, the Barnard administration tried to improve student life by giving its

students access to JJ’s place. Unfortunately, this is still a crisis in the

making–What incentive do Barnard students have to talk to Columbia boys

now that they don’t need a swipe into JJ’s?? If Columbia boys can’t bribe

their dates with a charred hockey puck between two buns, they’ll have no

way to compete with Swae Lee on Tinder.

Then was the news that Malia Obama was considering going to Barnard.

The Barnard Class of 2020 was already fighting over the right to hold

Malia’s hair back the first time she has to puke into a Sulz toilet.


20/23

Unfortunately, Malia chose to take a gap year and go to Harvard, which

made Donald Trump immediately skeptical and demand to see a longform

acceptance letter . Maybe all of the JJ’s drama is what turned Malia away

from Barnard, New York’s premier school for corporate, white

commencement speakers. JJ’s Place probably seemed unattractive to

Michelle Obama, considering her War on Fat Kids. When Barnard

announced that JJ’s would be available to all students, Michelle must have

used the executive veto and told Malia, “you have to go to school in

Boston, where there’s healthy food, like… Boston Market, and… boston

creme pie, and… you know what, maybe just don’t go to school for a year.”

Regardless, Malia Obama chose not to come to Barnard, probably because

Obamacare, but Barnard no care.

In other news, while a new library may seem promising, construction is

displacing professors, annoying the shit out of neighborhood residents, and

leaving some students without their cultural center–it’s like a mini

Manhattanville in our own backyard.


21/23

And as Barnard’s foundation was pounded by jackhammers, its students

were getting a pounding of their own with a thick 6.. percent tuition

increase. Going to Barnard now costs $66,000 per year, officially pushing

the price of tuition above the price of a back-row Hamilton ticket. And the

rising tuition apparently wasn’t enough for Barnard’s money guzzling

administration—which just launched a revolutionary campaign to raise

more money. The Bold Standard’s sorority recruitment video is trying to

remind us why Barnard is worth keeping around instead of just slowly

withering away like Maggie the Magnolia. Ultimately, this just proves that

the more money Barnard takes, the more fucked up it becomes, just like a

high profile hooker.. Or Hillary Clinton.

In honor of Barnard and Columbia support, the band now forms the single

most unifying song in the history of music and plays We’re All in This

Together.

[WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER]


22/23

{SANTA}

Well, that’s all for us tonight, folks. But before we go, we’d like to leave you

with a few study hints for the big Orgo exam tomorrow:

{RON}

Rings of carbon are called aromatics. Rings of frat boys are just aromatic.

{SANTA}

Uncombusted methane from animal manure is a major source of

greenhouse gas. An uncombusted Barnard girl after Chipotle was recently

a major source of library gas.

{RON}

Carbon’s propensity for infinite bonding could cause some problems when

carbon’s NSOP group inevitably stops talking to each other.


23/23

{SANTA}

And finally, in chemistry, elements that are not part of the solution are part

of the precipitate, whereas, at Columbia, students who are not part of the

solution are part of the Band!

{RON}

Thanks and good night folks! Try not to break any bookcases on your way

out!

[Raw]

orgo night spring 2016

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