Brides-to-be are losing, even replacing, their unique sense of style in front of their computers while planning their weddings (or vow renewals) because websites like Pinterest pressure them to follow trends or even one-up other brides. Unfortunately, I was one of these women.

When I got married nearly a dozen years ago in August of 2004, Pinterest didn’t exist. I never uttered the phrase “wedding blog,” and Facebook was barely a blip on most anybody’s radar. Nowadays, brides-to-be take selfies flashing their shiny rose-gold engagement rings, and there are quizzes upon quizzes to help you discover whether your wedding style is classically modern or rustic chic. I was bitten by the “discover-my-unique-wedding-style” bug and decided to renew my vows...stylishly.

It’s not that I didn’t enjoy my original nuptials. Yes, my husband’s first name was misspelled on the restaurant’s menu cards, the restaurant didn’t have the proper audio setup for our DJ’s equipment, and I didn’t get that photograph of us riding the rickshaw we paid good money for at the conclusion of our reception…okay, so, there was room for improvement.

My husband and I now have more friends we’d love to entertain, we have a young family, and now I’m equipped with DIY floral design how-to videos. I didn’t take advantage of discovering my wedding style back then, and there was no way I was going to miss out again. So, we decided we would celebrate our tenth anniversary with a vow renewal. And my vow renewal was to be a spectacular Pinterest-worthy do-over!

So, I got to pinning. And wedding-blog reading. And wedding-style-quiz taking. Ooh, what’s an asscher-cut diamond? Or would I like a sapphire as my new center stone? A chevron photo backdrop? No, too popular. How about a damask pattern instead? Should we have a formal, black-tie rooftop reception, or a casual summer backyard barbecue? I wondered if I could submit our event to one of those popular wedding blogs. Could we even afford a photographer and an event stylist?

2014 became a new year, and I was finalizing my pinboards. That summer, I would be celebrating ten years of marriage. I was designing what would be my invitations and the stationery suite for a future wedding blog

One Couple’s Vow Renewal Helped Them

Process the Loss of Their Child, Reaffirm Their

Love, and Focus on What Matters

renewing your focus

submission when my husband and I were blindsided by tragedy.

February 2014, just weeks after finding out we may be pregnant for a third time, my husband and I unexpectedly lost our firstborn, our oldest son. He was five years old at the time. The date of his passing is six months prior to the date of our tenth anniversary. It goes without saying that I was no longer in the mood to celebrate much of anything that year. I had a son to grieve and another to carry. My priorities changed. Going through an emotional roller coaster took precedence over my “something old, something new.”

A little bit of time passed. I had my third child. I continued to grieve the loss of my firstborn. Yet, I couldn’t shake the nagging desire to renew my wedding vows. And I felt guilty for it.

written by jessica robles

catalystwedco.com60 VOLUME THREE

photos byTYSHAWN JENKINS

The decision to not only renew our vows, but to also celebrate my marriage was a bittersweet one. Here I was—with a wonderful husband, surrounded by a great community of friends and relatives, with two young, high-energy children—but my little guy, their big brother, was no longer here to be a part of it. Life didn’t seem complete. Nothing seemed fair. And of course, how could I think about celebrating anything after losing my little guy? Were my priorities skewed? Should we even do this? After some serious soul-searching, I felt like we needed something to lift our spirits.

One day, I logged back onto Pinterest after more than a year of inactivity and looked at my boards with a new and sane perspective. I thought to myself, “Who the hell pinned all of this crap?” I saw elaborate chandeliers hanging from the high ceilings of a distressed barn on a New Jersey farm with smiling guests in their formal gowns and coattails sitting on dusty haystack piles! Nothing’s wrong with that, but it wasn’t my style at all. My original wedding was nothing like that. I got married in a New York City park, then had a wedding luncheon at a downtown Caribbean restaurant.

Summer of 2015, I spoke with my minister, Mother Kate, and I mentioned to her how I regretted not walking down a church aisle the first time around. She informed me that there is a Blessing of Wedding Vows service that may satisfy my desire for a religious vow renewal. She remembered my anniversary because my husband, Shawn, and I have the same wedding anniversary date as her parents. I’m now pretty sure it’s a

renew my marriage vows. My husband is the most wonderful guy I know. I wanted to let him know that I’m still madly in love with him, just as much as when we first dated. And in a way, I wanted to let the world know that real love can mature, flourish, and continue even in the face of adversity.

Our vow renewal was a celebration of Shawn’s and my marriage and family, as well as our personal style. We took the time to embrace the good, the bad, and what makes us unique. In the last two years, I’ve learned that sometimes, the emergence of outside forces can influence our decision-making. We can become victims of analysis-paralysis, and it can affect

see pg. 117 to get to know JESSICA ROBLES & TYSHAWN JENKINS

catalystwedco.com62 VOLUME TWO

good luck date because Mother Kate’s parents have been married for more than 60 years!

At this point, I had just over a month until my eleventh anniversary. The only thing I knew for certain was that I wanted to incorporate cobalt blue into the day somehow. It’s my husband’s favorite color, but truth be told, I had already purchased a pair of shoes that I selected as my “something blue.”

I quickly looked for a photographer and found Tyshawn Jenkins. My husband and I loved his portfolio, especially some of his particularly creative wedding portraits. I felt like things were coming together. I assembled a unique bridal pantsuit (I hardly ever wear dresses or skirts) comprised of an ivory camisole, an ivory lace blouse, white (maternity) trousers, and an ivory lace overskirt.

reflections

The blouse and overskirt matched so perfectly, it’s difficult to imagine that I purchased one from a popular discount clothing store, and the other was created from yards of English lace. My husband found his blue designer suit, and before we knew it, it was just time to show up. We had a brief and intimate church ceremony, then walked two and a half blocks over to Central Park. We had a blast!

After a few hours of exploring Central Park and trading jokes with our new photographer friend Ty, Shawn and I traveled downtown, had a boozy, chocolate-inspired lunch, drove home, picked up our infant and tot, met up with my little sister, posed for a family portrait (along with a portrait of our firstborn), and finally, enjoyed a celebratory barbeque dinner together as a family. It was a great day. For the first time in a long time, I was truly happy. I was myself. Even if just for one day.

When I received the photographs from Ty, I was so excited. They didn’t resemble any of the images or infographs I pinned the year prior. My husband and I don’t look like the typical thin, 20-something-year-old couple that makes up the majority of wedding blog posts and magazine features. However, when I look at our pictures, I see what marriage is all about—love, real love! And even if for just a few hours on a hot August day, I got to let go of the typical (and not so typical) day-to-day stresses and let strangers in New York City know that I love my husband.

Despite losing my little guy and having babies back-to-back (which wreaked havoc on my body), I really wanted to

our weddings (or vow renewals) and our lives. It took grief, self-evaluation, and the distance of time to help me find my true self again. And being authentic is more important than any pinboard or social media post.

I don’t wish for anyone to lose a loved one at any time, especially when preparing for one of life’s important milestones. What’s also tragic is losing who you are for the sake of trying to satisfy and impress others.

It goes without

saying that I was no

longer in the mood

to celebrate much

of anything that

year. I had a son to

grieve and another to

carry. My priorities

changed. Going

through an emotional

roller coaster took

precedence over

my “something old,

something new.”

“

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