once a week by a.a. milne
TRANSCRIPT
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ONCEAWEEK
BYTHESAMEAUTHOR
THEDAY'SPLAYTHEHOLIDAYROUNDTHESUNNYSIDEONCEONATIMENOTTHATITMATTERSIFIMAYFIRSTPLAYSSECONDPLAYSMR.PIM
ONCEAWEEK
BY
A.A.MILNE
AUTHOROF"THEDAY'SPLAY"AND"THEHOLIDAYROUND"
THIRDEDITION
METHUEN&COLTD.36ESSEXSTREETW.C.LONDON
FirstPublishedOctober15th,1914SecondEditionMarch...1917ThirdEdition1922
TO
MYCOLLABORATOR
WHOBUYSTHEINKANDPAPERLAUGHSAND,INFACT,DOESALLTHEREALLYDIFFICULTPARTOFTHEBUSINESSTHISBOOKISGRATEFULLYDEDICATEDINMEMORYOFAWINTER'SMORNINGINSWITZERLANDCONTENTS
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PAGETHEHEIR1
WINTERSPORT29
ABAKER'SDOZEN61
GETTINGMARRIED127
HOMEAFFAIRS149
OTHERPEOPLE'SHOUSES183
BURLESQUES215
MERELYPLAYERS251
THEMENWHOSUCCEED281
THEHEIR
I.--HEINTRODUCESHIMSELF
"Inlessrefinedcirclesthanours,"IsaidtoMyra,"yourbehaviourwouldbedescribedasswank.Really,tojudgefromtheairsyouputon,youmightbethechild'smother."
"He'sjealousbecausehe'snotanaunthimself.Isn'the,duckseydarling?"
"Idowishyouwouldn'tkeepdraggingthebabyintotheconversation;wecanmakeitgoquitewellasaduologue.Astobeingjealous--why,it'sabsurd.True,I'mnotanaunt,butinaveryshorttimeIshallbeanunclebymarriage,whichsoundstomemuchsuperior.Thatis,"Iadded,"ifyou'restillequaltoit."
Myrablewmeakissoverthecradle.
"Anotherthingyou'veforgotten,"Iwenton,"isthatI'mdownforaplaceasagodfather.Archietellsmethatitisn'tsettledyet,butthatthere'sagooddealoftalkaboutitintheclubs.Who'stheothergoingtobe?NotThomas,Isuppose?Thatwouldbemakingthething
ratherafarce."
"Hasn'tDahliabrokenittoyou?"saidMyraanxiously.
"Simpson?"Iasked,inanawedwhisper.
Myranodded."And,ofcourse,Thomas,"shesaid.
"Heavens!Notthreeofus?Whatajollycrowdweshallbe.Thomascanplayourbestball.Wemight----"
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"Butofcoursethereareonlygoingtobetwogodfathers,"shesaid,andleantoverthecradleagain.
Iheldupmythreeendfingers."Thomas,"Isaid,pointingtothesmallest,"me,"Iexplained,pointingtothenext,"andSimpson,thetallgentlemaninglasses.One,two,three."
"Oh,baby,"sighedMyra,"whataveryslowunclebymarriageyou'regoingtohave!"
Istoodandgazedatmythreefingersforsometime.
"I'vegotit,"Isaidatlast,andIpulleddownthemiddleone."Therumourintheclubswasunauthorized.Idon'tgetaplaceafterall."
"Don'tsayyoumind,"pleadedMyra."Yousee,Dahliathoughtthatasyouwerepracticallyoneofthefamilyalready,anuncle-electbymarriage,andasshedidn'twanttochoosebetweenThomasandSamuel----"
"Saynomore.Iwasonlyafraidthatshemighthavesomethingagainstmymoralcharacter.Child,"Iwenton,risingandaddressingtheunresponsiveinfant,"Englandhaslostagodfatherthisday,butthe
worldhasgaineda----what?Idon'tknow.Iwantmytea."Myragavethebabyalastkissandgotup.
"CanItrusthimwithyouwhileIgoandseeaboutDahlia?"
"I'mnotsure.ItdependshowIfeel.Imaychangehimwithsomepoorbabyinthevillage.Runaway,aunt,andleaveusmentoourselves.Wehaveseveralmatterstodiscuss."
WhenthechildandIwerealonetogether,Ikneltbyhiscradleandsurveyedhisfeaturesearnestly.IwantedtoseewhatitwashehadtoofferMyrawhichIcouldnotgiveher."This,"Isaidtomyself,"isthe
facewhichhascomebetweenherandme,"foritwasunfortunatelytruethatIcouldnolongerclaimMyra'sundividedattention.ButthemoreIlookedathimthemoremysteriousthewholethingbecametome.
"Notabadkid?"saidavoicebehindme.
IturnedandsawArchie.
"Yours,Ibelieve,"Isaid,andIwavedhimtothecradle.
Archiebentdownandtickledthebaby'schin,makingappropriatenoisesthewhile--oneofthethingsafatherhastolearntodo.
"Whodoyouthinkhe'slike?"heaskedproudly.
"ThelateMr.Gladstone,"Isaid,afterdeepthought.
"Wrong.Hallo,here'sDahliacomingout.Ihope,foryoursake,thatthebaby'sallright.Ifshefindshe'scaughtmeaslesoranything,you'llgetintotrouble."
Byastrokeofbadluckthechildbegantocryassoonashesawtheladies.Myrarusheduptohim.
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"Baby,"saidMyra,"I'mafraidyou'regoingtoknowsomeveryfoolishpeople."
II.--HEMEETSHISGODFATHERS
ThomasandSimpsonarrivedbythetwelve-thirtytrain,andMyraandIdrovedowninthewagonettetomeetthem.Myrahandledtheribbons("handledtheribbons"--wemusthavethatagain)whileIsatonthebox-seatandpointedoutanytraction-enginesandthingsintheroad.Iamverygoodatthis.
"Isuppose,"Isaid,"therewillbesomesortofceremonyatthestation?Thestation-masterwillreadanaddresswhilehislittledaughterpresentsabouquetofflowers.Youdon'toftengettwogodfatherstravellingbythesametrain.Lookout,"Isaid,asweswungroundacorner,"there'sanantcoming."
"Whatdidyousay?I'msosorry,butIlistenawfullybadlywhenI'mdriving."
"AssoonasIhituponanythingreallygoodI'llwriteitdown.SofarIhavebeenthrowingoffthemeresttrifles.Whenwearemarried,Myra----"
"Goon;Ilovethat."
"Whenwearemarriedweshan'tbeabletoaffordhorses,sowe'llkeepacoupleofbicycles,andyou'llbeabletoheareverythingIsay.Howjollyforyou."
"Allright,"saidMyraquietly.
Therewasnoformalceremonyontheplatform,butIdidnotseemtofeelthewantofitwhenIsawSimpsonsteppingfromthetrainwithanenormousTeddy-bearunderhisarm.
"Hallo,dearoldchap,"hesaid,"hereweare!You'relookingatmybear.IquiteforgotituntilI'dstrappedupmybags,soIhadtobringitlikethis.Itsqueaks,"headded,asifthatexplainedit."Listen,"andthepiercingroarofthebearresoundedthroughthestation.
"Veryfine.Hallo,Thomas!"
"Hallo!"saidThomas,andwenttolookafterhisluggage.
"Ihopehe'lllikeit,"Simpsonwenton."Itslegsmoveupanddown."Heputthemintoseveralpositions,andthensqueakeditagain."Jolly,isn'tit?"
"Ripping,"Iagreed."Who'sitfor?"
Helookedatmeinastonishmentforamoment.
"Mydearoldchap,forthebaby."
"Oh,Isee.That'sawfullyniceofyou.He'llloveit."IwonderedifSimpsonhadeverseenamonth-oldbaby."What'sitsname?"
"I'vebeencallingitDuncaninthetrain,but,ofcourse,hewillwant
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tochoosehisownnameforit."
"Well,youmusttalkitoverwithhimto-nightaftertheladieshavegonetobed.Howaboutyourluggage?Wemustn'tkeepMyrawaiting."
"Hallo,Thomas!"saidMyra,aswecameout."Hallo,Samuel!Hooray!"
"Hallo,Myra!"saidThomas."Allright?"
"Myra,thisisDuncan,"saidSimpson,andtheshrillroarofthebearrangoutoncemore.
Myra,hermouthfirm,butsmilesinhereyes,lookeddownlovinglyathim.SometimesIthinkthatshewouldliketobeSimpson'smother.Perhaps,whenwearemarried,wemightadopthim.
"Forbaby?"shesaid,strokingitwithherwhip."Buthewon'tbeallowedtotakeitintochurchwithhim,youknow.No,Thomas,Iwon'thavetheluggagenexttome;Iwantsomeonetotalkto.Youcome."
InsidethewagonetteSimpsonsqueakedhisbearatintervals,whileItriedtopreparehimforhiscomingintroductiontohisgodson.Havingknownthebabyfornearlyaweek,andbeingtosomeextentinMyra'sconfidence,IfeltquitethefamilymanbesideSimpson.
"Youmusttrynottobedisappointedwithhislooks,"Isaid."Anyway,don'tletDahliathinkyouare.Andifyouwanttodotherightthingsaythathe'sjustlikeArchie.Archiedoesn'tmindthisforsomereason."
"Ishetallforhisage?"
"Samuel,pullyourselftogether.Heisn'ttallatall.Ifheisanythingheislong,buthowlongonlythosecansaywhohaveseenhiminhisbath.Youdorealizethatheisonlyamonthold?"
"Mydearoldboy,ofcourse.Onecan'texpectmuchfromhim.Isuppose
heisn'teventoddlingaboutyet?"
"No--no.Notactuallytoddling."
"Well,wecanteachhimlateron.AndI'mgoingtohavealotoffunwithhim.Ishallshowhimmywatch--babiesalwayslovethat."
Therewasasuddenlaughfromthefront,whichchangedjustalittletoolateintoacough.ThefactisIhadbetMyraanewgolf-ballthatSimpsonwouldshowthebabyhiswatchwithintwominutesofmeetinghim.Ofcourse,itwasn'tacertaintyyet,butIthoughttherewouldbenoharminmentioningthemakeofballIpreferred.SoIchangedtheconversationsubtlytogolf.
AmidstloudroarsfromthebearwedroveuptothehouseandweregreetedbyArchie.
"Hallo,Thomas!howareyou?Hallo,Simpson!Goodheavens!Iknowthatface.Introduceme,Samuel."
"ThisisDuncan.Ibroughthimdownforyourboytoplaywith."
"Duncan,ofcourse.Theboywillloveit.He'stiredofmealready.He
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proposestomeethisgodfathersatfourp.m.precisely.Soyou'llhavenearlythreehourstothinkofsomethinggenialtosaytohim."
Wespentthelastofthethreehoursplayingtennis,andatfourp.m.preciselytheintroductiontookplace.BygreatgoodluckDuncanwasabsent;Simpsonwouldhavewastedhiswholetwominutesinmakingitsqueak.
"Baby,"saidDahlia,"thisisyourUncleThomas."
"Hallo!"saidThomas,gentlykissingthebaby'shand."Goodoldboy,"andhefeltforhispipe.
"Baby,"saidDahlia,"thisisyourUncleSamuel."
AsheleantoverthechildIwhippedoutmywatchandmurmured,"Go!"4hrs.1min.25sec.IwishedMyrahadnottakenmy"twominutes"soliterally,butIfeltthatthegolf-ballwassafe.
Simpsonlookedatthebabyasiffascinated,andthebabystaredbackathim.Itwasanewexperienceforbothofthem.
"He'sjustlikeArchie,"hesaidatlast,rememberingmyadvice."Onlysmaller,"headded.
4hrs.2min.7sec.
"Icanseeyou,baby,"hesaid."Goo-goo."
Myracameandrestedherchinonmyshoulder.SilentlyIpointedtothefinishingplaceonmywatch,andshegavealittlegurgleofexcitement.Therewasonlyoneminuteleft.
"Iwonderwhatyou'rethinkingabout,"saidSimpsontothebaby."Isitmyglassesyouwanttoplaywith?"
"Help!"Imurmured."Thiswillneverdo."
"Hejustlooksandlooks.Ah!buthisUncleSamuelknowswhatbabywantstosee."(IsqueezedMyra'sarm.4hrs.3mins.10secs.Therewasjusttime.)"Iwonderifit'sanythinginhisuncle'swaistcoat?"
"No!"whisperedMyratomeinagony."Certainlynot."
"Heshallseeitifhewantsto,"saidSimpsonsoothingly,andputhishandtohiswaistcoatpocket.IsmiledtriumphantlyatMyra.Hehadfivesecondstogetthewatchout--plentyoftime.
"Bother!"saidSimpson."Ileftitupstairs."
III.--HECHOOSESANAME
Theafternoonbeingwetwegatheredroundthebilliard-roomfireandwentintocommittee.
"ThequestionbeforetheHouse,"saidArchie,"iswhatshallthebabybecalled,andwhy.DahliaandIhavepracticallydecidedonhisnames,butitwouldamuseustohearyourinferiorsuggestionsandpointouthowridiculoustheyare."
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GodfatherSimpsonlookedacrossinamazementatGodfatherThomas.
"Really,youaretakingagooddealuponyourself,Archie,"hesaidcoldly."Itisentirelyamatterformycolleagueandmyselftodecidewhetherthegroundisfitfor--todecide,Ishouldsay,whatthechildistobecalled.Unlessthisisquiteunderstoodweshallhandinourresignations."
"We'vebeengivingalotofthoughttoit,"saidThomas,openinghiseyesforamoment."Andourtimeisvaluable."Hearrangedthecushionsathisbackandclosedhiseyesagain.
"Well,asamatteroffact,thecompetitionisn'tquiteclosed,"saidArchie."Entriescanstillbereceived."
"Wehaven'treallydecidedatall,"putinDahliagently."Itissodifficult."
"Inthatcase,"saidSamuel,"ThomasandIwillcontinuetoact.Itismypleasantdutytoinformyouthatwehadalongconsultationyesterday,andfinallyagreedtocallhim--er--SamuelThomas."
"ThomasSamuel,"saidThomassleepily.
"Howdidyouthinkofthosenames?"Iasked."Itmusthavetakenyouatremendoustime."
"WithanamelikeSamuelThomasMannering,"wentonSimpson["ThomasSamuelMannering,"murmuredThomas],"yourchildmightachievealmostanything.InprivatelifeyouwouldprobablycallhimSam."
"Tom,"saidatiredvoice.
"Or,morefamiliarly,Sammy."
"Tommy,"cameinawhisperfromthesofa.
"Whatdoyouthinkofit?"askedDahlia.
"Imustn'tsay,"saidArchie;"they'remyguests.ButI'lltellyouprivatelysometime."
Therewassilenceforalittle,andthenathoughtoccurredtome.
"Youknow,Archie,"Isaid,"limitedastheirideasare,you'reratherintheirpower.BecauseIwaslookingthroughtheserviceinchurchonSunday,andtherecomesapointwhentheclergymansaystothegodfathers,'Namethischild.'Well,thereyouare,youknow.They'vegotyou.YoumayhavefixedonMontmorencyPlantagenet,butthey'veonly
tosay'Bert,'andthethingisdone."
"Youallforget,"saidMyra,comingovertositonthearmofmychair,"thatthere'sagodmothertoo.IshallforbidtheBerts."
"Well,thatmakesitworse.You'llhaveMyrasaying'MontmorencyPlantagenet,'andSamuelsaying'SamuelThomas,'andThomassaying'ThomasSamuel.'"
"Itwillsoundratherwell,"saidArchie,singingitovertohimself.
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"Thomas,youtakethetenorpart,ofcourse:'ThomasSamuel,ThomasSamuel,Thom-asSam-u-el.'Wemusthavearehearsal."
ForfiveminutesMyra,Thomas,andSimpsonchantedinharmony,beingassistedafterthefirstminutebyArchie,whotookthealtopartof"SolomonJoel."Heexplainedthatasthiswaswhatheandhiswifereallywantedthechildchristened("MontmorencyPlantagenet"beingonlyaninventionofthegodmother's)itwouldprobablybenecessaryforhimtojoinintoo.
"Stop!"criedDahlia,whenshecouldbearitnolonger;"you'llwakebaby."
Therewasanimmediatehush.
"Samuel,"saidArchieinawhisper,"ifyouwakethebabyI'llkillyou."
Thequestionofhisnamewasstillnotquitesettled,andoncemorewegaveourselvesuptothought.
"Seeingthathe'stheverynewestlittleRabbit,"saidMyra,"Idothinkhemightbecalledaftersomeverygreatcricketer."
"Thatwastheideainchristeninghim'Samuel,'"saidArchie."GaukrodgerCarkeekButtBajanaMannering,"Isuggested--"somethinglikethat?"
"Silly;Imeant'Charles,'afterFry."
"'Schofield,'afterHaigh,"murmuredThomas.
"'Warren,'afterBardsley,wouldbemoreappropriatetoaRabbit,"saidSimpson,beamingroundatus.Therewas,however,nolaughter.Wehadalljustthoughtofitourselves.
"Theimportantthinginchristeningafuturefirst-classcricketer,"saidSimpson,"istogettheinitialsright.Whatcouldbebetterthan'W.G.'asanicknameforGrace?Butif'W.G.'s'initialshadbeen'Z.Z.,'wherewouldyouhavebeen?"
"Here,"saidArchie.
TheshockofthisreplysoupsetSimpsonthathisglassesfelloff.Hepickedthemoutofthefenderandresumedhistheme.
"Now,ifthebabywerechristened'SamuelThomas'hisinitialswouldbe'S.T.,'whichareperfect.AndthesameasColeridge's."
"IsthatColeridgethewicket-keeper,orthefastbowler?"
Simpsonopenedhismouthtoexplain,andthen,justintime,decidednotto.
"Iforgottosay,"saidArchie,"thatanyhowhe'sgoingtobecalledBlair,afterhismamma."
"Ifhisname'sBlairMannering,"Isaidatonce,"he'llhavetowriteabook.Youcan'twasteanamelikethat.TheCrimsonSpot,byBlair
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Mannering.Mr.BlairMannering,thewell-knownauthorofTheGash.Ournewserial,TheStainontheBathMat,hasbeenspeciallywrittenforusbyMr.andMrs.BlairMannering.It'ssimplyaskingforit."
"Don'ttalkabouthiswifeyet,please,"smiledDahlia."Letmehavehimalittlewhile."
"Well,hecanbeawriterandacricketer.Whynot?Thereareothers.Ineedonlymentionmyfriend,S.Simpson."
"Butthedarlingstillwantsanothername,"saidMyra."Let'scallhimJohnto-day,andWilliamto-morrow,andHenrythenextday,andsoonuntilwefindoutwhatsuitshimbest."
"Let'sallgoupstairsnowandcallhimSamuel,"saidSamuel.
"Thomas,"saidThomas.
WelookedatDahlia.Shegotupandmovedtothedoor.Insinglefilewefollowedherontip-toetothenursery.Thebabywasfastasleep.
"Thomas,"weallsaidinawhisper,"Thomas,Thomas."
Therewasnoreply.
"Samuel!"
Deadsilence.
"Ithink,"saidDahlia,"we'llcallhimPeter."
IV.--HEISCHRISTENED
Onthemorningofthechristening,asIwasonmywaytothebathroom,ImetSimpsoncomingoutofit.TherearepeoplewhohaveneverseenSimpsoninhisdressing-gown;peoplealsowhohaveneverwaitedforthe
suntoriseingloryabovethesnow-cappedpeaksoftheAlps;whohaveneverstoodonWaterlooBridgeandwatchedSt.Paul'scomethroughthemistofanOctobermorning.Well,well,onecannotseeeverything.
"Hallo,oldchap!"hesaid."Iwasjustcomingtotalktoyou.Iwantyouradvice."
"Aglassofhotwaterthelastthingatnight,"Isaid,"nosugarormilk,aTurkishbathonceaweekandplentyofexercise.You'llgetitdowninnotime."
"Don'tbeanass.Imeanaboutthechristening.I'vebeentoawedding,ofcourse,butthatisn'tquitethesamething."
"Amoment,whileIturnonthetap."Iturneditonandcamebacktohim."Nowthen,I'matyourservice."
"Well,what'sthe--er--usualcostumeforachristening?"
"Leavethattothemother,"Isaid."She'llseethatthebaby'sdressedproperly."
"Imeanforagodfather."
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Dahliahasconvenientlyplacedasofaoutsidethebathroomdoor.Idroppedintoitandsurveyedthedressing-gownthoughtfully.
"Golikethat,"Isaidatlast.
"WhatIwanttoknowiswhetherit'satop-hataffairornot?"
"Haveyoubroughtatop-hat?"
"Ofcourse."
"Thenyoumustcertainly----Isay!Comeoutofit,Myra!"
Ijumpedupfromthesofa,butitwastoolate.Shehadstolenmybath.
"Well,ofallthecheek----"
ThedooropenedandMyra'sheadappearedroundthecorner.
"Hush!you'llwakethebaby,"shesaid."Oh,Samuel,whatadream!Whyhaven'tIseenitbefore?"
"Youhave,Myra.I'veoftendressedupinit."
"ThenIsupposeitlooksdifferentwithasponge.Because----"
"Really!"IsaidasItookholdofSimpsonandledhimfirmlyaway;"ifthebabyknewthatyoucarriedonlikethisofamorninghe'dbeshocked."
Thomasisalwayslateforbreakfast.Simpsononthisoccasionwasdelayedbyhiselaboratetoilet.Theycameinlasttogether,byoppositedoors,andstoodstaringateachother.Simpsonworeafrock-coat,dashingdouble-breastedwaistcoat,perfectlycreasedtrousers,andamagnificentcravat;Thomashadonflannelsandanoldblazer.
"ByJove!"saidArchie,seeingSimpsonfirst,"youarea----"andthenhecaughtsightofThomas."Hul-lo!"Hiseyeswentfromonetotheother,andatlastsettledonthetoast.Hewentonwithhisbreakfast."Thetwonoblegodfathers,"hemurmured.
Meanwhilethetwogodfatherscontinuedtogazeateachotherasiffascinated.AtlastSimpsonspoke.
"Wecan'tbothberight,"hesaidslowlytohimself.
Thomaswokeup.
"Isitthechristeningto-day?Iquiteforgot."
"Itis,Thomas.Theboat-raceisto-morrow."
"Well,Icanchangeafterwards.Youdon'texpectmetowearanythinglikethat?"hesaid,pointingtoSimpson.
"Don'tchange,"saidArchie."Bothgoasyouare.MickandMack,theComedyDuo.SimpsondoesthetalkingwhileThomasfallsoverthepews."
SimpsoncollectedhisbreakfastandsatdownnexttoMyra.
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"AmIallright?"heaskedherdoubtfully.
"Yourtie'supatthebackofyourneck,"Isaid.
"BecauseifDahliawouldpreferit,"hewenton,ignoringme,"Icouldeasilywearaplaindarktweed."
"You'rebeautiful,Samuel,"saidMyra."Ihopeyou'lllookasniceatmywedding."
"Youdon'tthinkIshallbemistakenforthefather?"heaskedanxiously.
"ByPeter?Well,thatisjustpossible.Perhapsif----"
"Ithinkyou'reright,"saidSimpson,andafterbreakfasthechangedintotheplaindarktweed.
Asthehourapproachedwebegantocollectinthehall,Simpsonreadingtheservicetohimselfforthetwentiethtime.
"Dowehavetosayanything?"askedThomas,ashelithisthirdpipe.
Simpsonlookedathiminhorror."Sayanything?Ofcoursewedo!Haven'tyoustudiedit?Here,you'lljusthavetimetoreaditthrough."
"Toolatenow.Betterleaveittotheinspirationofthemoment,"Isuggested."Doesanybodyknowifthere'sacollection,becauseifsoIshallhavetogoandgetsomemoney."
"Therewillbeacollectionforthebabyafterwards,"saidArchie."Ihopeyou'veallbeensavingup."
"Herehecomes!"saidSimpson,andPeterBlairManneringcamedownthe
stairswithDahliaandMyra.
"Goodmorning,everybody,"saidDahlia.
"Goodmorning.Say'Goodmorning,'baby."
"He'srathernervous,"saidMyra."Hesayshe'sneverbeenchristenedbefore,andwhat'sitlike?"
"Iexpecthe'llbeallrightwithtwosuchhandsomegodfathers,"saidDahlia.
"Isn'tMr.Simpsonlookingwell?"saidMyrainasocietyvoice."And
doyouknow,dear,that'sthethirdsuitI'veseenhiminto-day."
"Well,areweallready?"
"You'requitesureabouthisname?"saidArchietohiswife."Thisisyourlastchance,youknow.SaythewordtoThomasbeforeit'stoolate."
"IthinkPeterisrathersilly,"Isaid.
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"WhyBlair?"saidMyra."Iaskyou."
DahliasmiledsweetlyatusandledthewaywithP.B.Manneringtothecar.Wefollowed...andSimpsonontheseatnextthedriverreadtheservicetohimselfforthelasttime.
.....
"Ifeelveryproud,"saidArchieaswecameoutofthechurch."I'mnotonlyafather,butmysonhasaname.AndnowIneedn'tcallhim'er'anymore."
"Hewasagoodboy,wasn'the?"saidMyra.
"Thomas,sayatoncethatyourgodsonwasagoodboy."
ButThomaswasquiet.Helookedyearsolder.
"I'veneverreadtheservicebefore,"hesaid."Ididn'tquiteknowwhatwewereinfor.ItseemsthatSimpsonandIhaveundertakenaheavyresponsibility;wearepracticallyanswerableforthechild'seducation.Wearesupposedtoexaminehimeveryfewyearsandfindoutifheisbeingtaughtproperly."
"Youcanbowltohimlateronifyoulike.""No,no.Itmeansmorethanthat."HeturnedtoDahlia."Ithink,"hesaid,"SimpsonandIwillwalkhome.Wemustbeginatoncetodiscussthelinesonwhichweshalleducateourchild."
V.--HESEESLIFE
Therewasnooneinsight.If'tweredonewell,'twerewelldonequickly.Igrippedtheperambulator,tookalastlookround,andthensuddenlyrusheditacrossthedriveanddownasidepath,notstoppinguntilwewerewellconcealedfromthehouse.Panting,Idroppedintoa
seat,havingknockedseveralsecondsoffthequarter-milerecordforbabiesunderone.
"Hallo!"saidMyra.
"Dashit,aretherepeopleeverywhereto-day?Ican'tgetamomenttomyself.'Osolitude,where----'"
"Whatareyougoingtodowithbaby?"
"PeterandIaregoingforawalk."Myeyesrestedonherformorethanamoment.Shewaslookingatmeoveranarmfulofflowers...and--well--"Youcancometooifyoulike,"Isaid.
"I'vegotanawfullottodo,"shesmileddoubtfully.
"Oh,ifyou'drathercountthewashing."
Shesatdownnexttome.
"Where'sDahlia?"
"Idon'tknow.Wemeanttohaveleftanoteforher,butwecameawayin
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ratherahurry.'Backattwelve.Peter.'"
"'Iamquitehappy.Pursuitisuseless,'"suggestedMyra."PoorDahlia,she'llbefrightenedwhensheseestheperambulatorgone."
"Mydear,whatcouldhappentoit?IsthisRussia?"
"Oh,whathappenstoperambulatorsinRussia?"askedMyraeagerly.
"Theyspellthemdifferently,"Isaid,afteralittlethought."Anyhow,Dahlia'sallright."
"Well,I'lljusttaketheseflowersinandthenI'llcomeback.IfyouandPeterwillhaveme?"
"Ithinkso,"Isaid.
Myrawentinandleftmetomyreflections,whichweremainlythatPeterhadtheprettiestauntinEngland,andthattheworldwasverygood.Butmypleasedandfatuoussmileoverthesethoughtswasdisturbedbyherannouncementonherreturn.
"Dahliasays,"shebegan,"thatwemayhavePeterforanhour,buthemustcomeinatonceifhecries."
Igotupindisgust.
"You'vespoiltmymorning,"Isaid.
"Oh,no!"
"IhadalittlesecretfromDahlia,orratherPeterandIhadalittlesecrettogether;atleast,youandIandPeterhadasecret.Anyhow,itwasasecret.AndIwasfeelingverywickedandhappy--PeterandIbothwere;andweweregoingtoletyoufeelwickedtoo.AndnowDahliaknowsallaboutthedesperatedeedwewereplanning,and,tomakeitworse,allshesaysis,'Certainly!Byallmeans!Onlydon'tgethisfeetwet.'
Peter,"Isaid,asIbentoverthesleepinginnocent,"wearebetrayed."
"MissManneringwillnowrelateherexperiences,"saidMyra."Iwentintothehalltoputdowntheflowers,andjustasIwascomingoutIsawDahliainthecornerwithabook.Andshesaid,'Tellyouryoungman----'"
"Howvulgar!"Iinterrupted.
"'Dobecarefulwithmybaby.'AndIsaidingreatsurprise,'Whatbaby?'Andshesaid,'Hewasverykindlyrunninghimupanddownthedrivejustnow.Peterlovesit,butdon'tletthemgoontoolongortheremaybeanaccident.'Andthenshegaveafewmoreinstructions,
and--hereweare."
"Peter,"Isaidtothesomnolentone,"youcan'tdeceiveawoman.Alsomenarepigs.Wakeup,andwewillapologizetoyourauntfordoubtingher.Sorry,Myra."
Myrapinnedaflowerinmycoatandforgaveme,andwewalkedofftogetherwiththeperambulator.
"Peterisseeingabitoflifethismorning,"Isaid."Whatshallwe
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showhimnow?"
"ThomasandSamuelareplayinggolf,"saidMyracasually.
Ilookedatherdoubtfully.
"Isthatquitesuitable?"
"Ithinkifwedidn'tlethimstaytoolongitwouldbeallright.Dahliawouldn'tlikehimtobeoverexcited."
"Well,hecan'tbeintroducedtothegametooearly.Comeon,Peter."Andwepushedintomoreopencountry.
The9-holecoursewhichSimpsonplannedayearagoisnotyetusedfortheOpenChampionship,thoughitiscertainlybetterthanitwaslastsummer.Butitisshortandnarrowanddog-legged,and,particularlywhenSimpsonisplayingonit,dangerous.
"Wearenowinthezoneoffire,"Isaid."Samuel'srepaintedninepennymaywhizpastusatanymoment.PerhapsIhadbettergofirst."ItiedmyhandkerchieftoMyra'ssunshadeandledthewaywiththewhiteflag.
Aballcameoverthebarnandrolledtowardsus,justreachingoneof
thewheels.Igaveayell."Hallo!"bellowedSimpsonfrombehindthebarn.
"You'refiringontheambulance,"Ishouted.
Hehurriedup,followedleisurelybyThomas.
"Isay,"hesaidexcitedly,"haveIhurthim?"
"Youhavenotevenwakedhim.Hehasthespecialgiftof--wasitWellingtonorNapoleon?--thatofbeingabletosleepthroughtheheaviestbattle."
"Hallo!"saidThomas."Goodoldboy!What'shebeenlearningto-day?"headded,withgodfatherlyinterest.
"We'reshowinghimlifeto-day.HehascometoseeSimpsonplaygolf."
"Doesn'theeversitup?"askedSimpson,lookingathimwithinterest."Idon'tseehowhe'sgoingtoseeanythingifhe'salwaysonhisback.Unlessitweresomethingintheair."
"Don'tyouevergettheballintheair?"saidMyrainnocently.
"WhatwillhisUncleSamuelshowhimifhedoessitup?"Iasked."Let's
decidefirstifit'sgoingtobeanythingworthwatching.Whichholeareyoufor?Thethird?"
"Theeighth.Mylastshothadabitofaslice."
"Aslice!Ithadaboutthewholejoint.Idoubt,"IsaidtoMyra,"ifweshalldomuchgoodhere;let'spushon."
ButMyrahadputdownthehoodandtakensomeoftheclothesoffPeter.Peterstirredslightly.Heseemedtoknowthatsomethingwasgoingon.
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Thensuddenlyhewokeup,justintimetoseeSimpsonmisstheballcompletely.Instantlyhegaveacry.
"Nowyou'vedoneit,"saidMyra."He'sgottogoin.AndI'mafraidhe'llgoawaywithquiteawrongideaofthegame."
ButIwasnotthinkingofthebaby.AlthoughIamtobehisunclebymarriageIhadforgottenhim.
"Ifthat'saboutSimpson'sformto-day,"IsaidtoMyra,"youandIcouldstilltakethemonandbeatthem."
Myralookedupeagerly.
"WhataboutPeter?"sheasked;butshedidn'taskitveryfirmly.
"WepromisedDahliatotakehimindirectlyhecried,"Isaid."She'dbeveryupsetifshethoughtshecouldn'ttrustus.Andwe'vegottogoinforourclubs,anyway,"Iadded.
Peterwassleepingpeacefullyagain,butapromiseisapromise.Afterall,wehaddoneagooddealforhiseducationthatmorning.Wehadshownhimhumannatureatwork,andthepositionofgolfintheuniverse.
"We'llmeetyouonthefirsttee,"saidMyratoThomas.
VI.--HESLEEPS
"It'ssadtothinkthatto-morrowweshallbeinLondon,"saidSimpson,withasigh.
"Rotten,"agreedThomas,andtookanotherpeach.
Therewasamoment'ssilence.
"Weshallmissyou,"Isaid,aftercarefulthought.IwaitedinvainforDahliatosaysomething,andthenadded,"Youmustbothcomeagainnextyear."
"Thankyouverymuch."
"Notatall."Ihatetheseawkwardpauses.Ifmyhostorhostessdoesn'tdoanythingtosmooththemover,Ialwaysdashin."It'sbeendelightfultohaveyou,"Iwenton."Areyousureyoucan'tstaytillWednesday?"
"I'msosorry,"saidDahlia,"butyoutookmebysurprise.Ihadsimplynoidea.Areyoureallygoing?"
"I'mafraidso."
"Areyoureallystaying?"saidArchietome."Help!"
"WhataboutPeter?"askedMyra."Isn'thetooyoungtobetakenfromhisgodfathers?"
"We'vebeentalkingthatover,"saidSimpson,"andIthinkitwillbeallright.We'vemappedhisfutureoutverycarefullyandweshallunfoldittoyouwhenthecoffeecomes."
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"Thomasisdoingitwithpeach-stones,"Isaid."Haveanother,andmakehimasailor,Thomas,"andIpassedtheplate.
"Sailorindeed,"saidDahlia."He'sgoingtobeasoldier."
"It'stoolate.Thomashasbegunanotherone.Well,he'llhavetoswallowthestone."
"AtriflehardontheAdmiralty,"saidArchie."ItlosesbothThomasandPeteratonegulp.Mycountry,whatofthee?"
However,whenThomashadpeeledthepeach,Icleverlysolvedthedifficultybytakingitontomyplatewhilehewaslookingroundforthesugar.
"No,nosugar,thanks,"Isaid,andwaveditaway.
WiththecoffeeandcigarsSimpsonunfoldedhisschemeofeducationforPeter.
"Inthefirstplace,"hesaid,"itisimportantthatevenasachildheshouldalwaysbeaddressedinrationalEnglishandnotinthatridiculousbaby-talksocommonwithyoungmothers."
"Ohdear,"saidDahlia.
"MygoodSamuel,"Ibrokein,"thiscomeswellfromyou.Why,onlyyesterdayIheardyoutalkingtohim.Ithinkyoucalledhimhisnunkey'sicklepetsywetsylambkin."
"Youmisunderstoodme,"saidSimpsonquickly."Iwastalkingtoyou."
"Oh!"Isaid,rathertakenaback."Well--well,I'mnot."Ilitacigar."AndIshallbeannoyedifyoucallmesoagain."
"Attheageoffour,"Simpsonwenton,"heshallreceivehisfirst
lessonincricket.Thomaswillbowltohim----"
"IsupposethatmeansthatThomaswillhavetobeaskeddownhereagain,"saidArchie."Bother!Still,it'snotforfouryears."
"Thomaswillbowltohim,Archiewillkeepwicket,andIshallfield."
"AndwheredoIcomein?"Iasked.
"YoucomeinafterPeter.Unlessyouwouldratherhaveyourlessonfirst."
"That'sthesecondtimeI'vebeensaton,"IsaidtoMyra,"Whyis
Simpsonsounkindtometo-night?"
"Isupposehe'sjealousbecauseyou'restayingonanotherweek."
"Probably;still,Idon'tlikeit.Couldyouturnyourbackonhim,doyouthink,toindicateourheavydispleasure?"
Myramovedherchairroundandrestedherelbowonthetable.
"Goon,Samuel,"saidDahlia."You'relovelyto-night.Isupposethese
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areThomas'sideasaswellasyourown?"
"Hissignatureisdulyappendedtothem."
"Ididn'tread'emall,"saidThomas.
"That'sveryrashofyou,"saidArchie."Youdon'tknowwhatyoumightn'tletyourselfinfor.Youmayhavepromisedtopaythechildthreepenceaweekpocket-money."
"No,there'snothinglikethat,"saidSimpson,toArchie'sevidentdisappointment."Well,then,attheageoftenhegoestoapreparatoryschool."
"Hashelearnttoreadyet?"askedDahlia."Ididn'thearanythingaboutit."
"Hecanreadatsix.IforgottosaythatIamgivinghimabookwhichIshallexpecthimtoreadaloudtoThomasandmeonhissixthbirthday."
"Thomashasgotanotherinvitation,"saidArchie."Dashit!"
"Atfourteenhegoestoapublicschool.Thefinaldecisionastowhichpublicschoolhegoestowillbelefttoyou,but,ofcourse,weshall
expecttobeconsultedonthesubject.""I'llwriteandtellyouwhatwedecideon,"saidArchiehastily;"there'llbenoneedforyoutocomedownandbetoldaloud."
"Sofarwehavenotarrangedanythingforhimbeyondtheageoffourteen.Inowproposetoreadoutafewgeneralrulesabouthisupbringingwhichwemustinsistonbeingobserved."
"ThegreatquestionwhetherSimpsoniskickedoutofthehouseto-night,orleavesunobtrusivelybythemilktrainto-morrowmorning,isabouttobesettled,"Imurmured.
"'RULEONE.--Hemustbebroughtuptobeambidextrous.'Itwillbeveryuseful,"explainedSimpson,"whenhefieldscoverforEngland."
"Orwhenhewantstoshakehandswithtwopeopleatonce,"saidArchie.
"'RULETWO.--HemustbetaughtfromthefirsttospeakFrenchandGermanfluently.'He'llthankyouforthatlateronwhenhegoesabroad."
"OrwhenhegoestotheNationalLiberalClub,"saidArchie.
"'RULETHREE.--Heshouldbesurroundedasfaraspossiblewithbeautifulthings.'Beautifultoys,beautifulwall-paper,beautifulscenery----"
"Beautifulgodfathers?"Iaskeddoubtfully.
Simpsonignoredmeandwentonhurriedlywiththerestofhisrules.
"Well,"saidArchie,attheendofthem,"they'reallfairlyfutile,butifyouliketowritethemoutneatlyandframethemingoldIdon'tmindhangingthemupinthebathroom.Hasanybodyelsegotanythingfatuoustosaybeforetheladiesleaveus?"
Ifilledmyglass.
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"I'vereallygotalottosay,"Ibegan,"becauseIconsiderthatI'vebeenratherleftoutofthings.Ifyoucometothinkofit,I'mtheonlypersonherewhoisn'tanythingimportant,alltherestofyoubeinggodfathers,orgodmothers,ormothers,orfathers,orsomething.However,Iwon'tdwellonthatnow.Butthere'sonethingImustsay,andhereitis."Iraisedmyglass."PeterBlairMannering,andmayhegrowuptobeabettermanthananyofus!"
Upstairs,inhappyinnocenceofthetremendoustaskinfrontofhim,thechildslept.Poorbaby!
Wedranksolemnly,butwithoutmuchhope.
WINTERSPORT
WINTERSPORT
I.--ANINTRODUCTION
"Ihadbettersayatonce,"IannouncedasIturnedoverthewinelist,"thatIhavecomeoutheretoenjoymyself,andenjoymyselfIshall.Myra,whatshallwedrink?"
"Youhadthreeweeks'honeymooninOctober,"complainedThomas,"andyou'retakinganotherthreeweeksnow.Don'tyoueverdoanywork?"
MyraandIsmiledateachother.ComingfromThomas,whospendshisbusydayleaningupagainstthewirelessinstallationattheAdmiralty,theremarkamusedus.
"We'llhavechampagne,"saidMyra,"becauseit'souropeningnight.Archie,afteryouwiththehead-waiter."
ItwasduetoDahlia,really,thattheRabbitswerehibernatingattheHôteldesAngéliques,Switzerland(central-heatedthroughout);forshehadbeenorderedabroad,afteranillness,topullherselftogetheralittle,andherdoctorhadagreedwithArchiethatshemightaswelldoitataplacewhereherhusbandcouldskate.OnthepointthatPetershouldcomeandskatetoo,however,Archiewasfirm.Whileadmittingthathelovedhisinfantson,heremindedDahliathatshecouldn'tpossiblygetthroughCalaisandPontarlierwithoutdeclaringPeter,andthatthedutyonthisclassofgoodswasremarkablyheavy.Peter,
therefore,wasleftbehind.Hehadanarmyofnursestolookafterhim,andastenographertotakedownhismoreimportantremarks.Withadailybulletinandarecordofhistable-talkpromisedher,Dahliawaspreparedtobecontent.
AsforMyraandme,wemighthavehesitatedtotakeanotherholidaysosoon,haditnotbeenforaletterIreceivedonemorningatbreakfast.
"Simpsonisgoing."Isaid."Hehaspurchasedapairofskis."
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"Thatdoesit,"saidMyradecisively.And,gurglinghappilytoherself,shewentoutandboughtacamera.
ForThomasIcanfindnoexcuses.Atamomentofcrisishelefthiscountry'sNavyinjeopardyand,theAdmiraltyyachtbeingotherwiseengaged,bookedafirstreturnfromCook's.Andsoitwasthatatfouro'clockonedaywearrivedtogetherattheHôteldesAngéliques,andsomethreehourslaterweresettlingdowncomfortablytodinner.
"I'vehadabusytime,"saidArchie."I'vehiredasmallbob,alugeandapairofskisformyself,apairofsnow-shoesandsomeskatesforDahlia,a--atricyclehorseforSimpson,andIdon'tknowwhatelse.AllinFrench."
"WhatistheFrenchforapairofsnow-shoes?"askedMyra.
"IpointedtotheminFrench.TheundersizedRobertIgotatabargain.Themanwhohireditlastweekbrokehislegbeforehisfortnightwasup,andsotherewasareductionofseveralcentimes."
"I'vebeenbusytoo,"Isaid."I'vebeenwatchingMyraunpack,andtellingherwherenottoputmythings."
"Ipackedjollywell--exceptfortheaccident."
"Anaccidenttotheboot-oil,"Iexplained."IfIgetdowntomylastthreeshirtsyouwillnoticeit."
WestoppedeatingforamomentinordertodrinkDahlia'shealth.ItwasDahlia'shealthwhichhadsentusthere.
"Who'syourfriend,Samuel?"saidArchie,asSimpsoncaughtsomebody'seyeatanothertableandnodded.
"AfellowImetinthelift,"saidSimpsoncasually.
"Samuel,bewareofelevatoracquaintances,"saidMyrainhermostsolemn
manner.
"He'sratheragoodchap.HewasatPeterhousewithafriendofmine.Hewastellingmequiteagoodstoryabouta'wine'myfriendgavethereonce,when----"
"Didyoutellhimaboutyour'ginger-beers'atGiggleswick?"Iinterrupted.
"Mydearoldchap,he'sratheramantobeinwith.HeknowsthePresident."
"IthoughtnobodyknewthePresidentoftheSwissRepublic,"saidMyra.
"LiketheManintheIronMask."
"NotthatPresident,Myra.ThePresidentoftheAngéliquesSportsClub."
"Neverheardofit,"weallsaid.
Simpsonpolishedhisglassesandprepareddelightedlytogiveanexplanation.
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"TheSportsClubrunseverythinghere,"hebegan."Itgivesyouprizesforfancycostumesandskatingandsoon."
"IntroducemetothePresidentatonce,"cooedMyra,pattingherhairandsmoothingdownherfrock.
"EvenifyouweretheTreasurer'sbrother,"saidArchie,"youwouldn'tgetaprizeforskating,Simpson."
"You'veneverseenhimdoarockingseventeen,sideways."
Simpsonlookedatuspityingly.
"There'salotmoreinitthanthat,"hesaid."ThePresidentwillintroduceyoutoanybody.Onemightsee--er--somebodyoneratherlikedthelookof,and--er----Well,Imeaninanhotelonewantstoenterintothehotellifeand--er--meetotherpeople."
"Whoisshe?"saidMyra.
"AnybodyyouwanttomarrymustbesubmittedtoMyraforapprovalfirst,"Isaid."We'vetoldyousoseveraltimes."
Simpsonhastilydisclaimedanyintentionofmarryinganybody,andhelped
himselflavishlytochampagne.ItsohappenedthatIwasthefirstofourpartytomeetthePresident,anhonourwhich,perhaps,Ihardlydeserved.WhileSamuelwasseekingtortuousintroductionstohimthroughfriendsofPeterhousefriendsofhis,thePresidentandIfellintoeachother'sarmsinthemostnaturalway.
Itoccurredlikethis.Therewasadanceafterdinner;andMyra,notsatisfiedwithmyappearance,sentmeupstairstoputsomegloveson.(Itisoneofthepenaltiesofmarriagethatoneisalwaysbeingsentupstairs.)WithmyhandsproperlyshodIreturnedtotheball-room,andstoodforamomentinacornerwhileIlookedaboutforher.SuddenlyI
heardavoiceatmyside.
"Doyouwantapartner?"itsaid.
Iturned,andknewthatIwasfacetofacewiththePresident.
"Well----"Ibegan.
"Youareanew-comer,aren'tyou?Iexpectyoudon'tknowmanypeople.Ifthereisanybodyyouwouldliketodancewith----"
Ilookedroundtheroom.Itwastoogoodachancetomiss.
"Iwonder,"Isaid."Thatgirloverthere--inthepinkfrock--justputtingupherfan----"
Healmostembracedme.
"Icongratulateyouonyourtaste,"hesaid."Excellent!Comewithme."
Hewentovertothegirlinthepinkdress,Iathisheels.
"Er--mayIintroduce?"hesaid."Mr.--er--er--yes,thisis
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Miss--er--yes.H'r'm."Evidentlyhedidn'tknowhername.
"Thankyou,"Isaidtohim.Henoddedandleftus.Iturnedtothegirlinthepinkfrock.Shewasverypretty.
"MayIhavethisdance?"Iasked."I'vegotmygloveson,"Iadded.
Shelookedatmegravely,tryinghardnottosmile.
"Youmay,"saidMyra.
II.--THEOPENINGRUN
WithagreateffortSimpsonstrappedhisfootsecurelyintoaskiandturneddoubtfullytoThomas.
"Thomas,"hesaid,"howdoyouknowwhichfootiswhich?"
"Itdependswhose,"saidThomas.Hewasbusytyingalargerucksackoflunchontohimself,andwasinnomoodforSamuel'sball-roomchatter.
"You'vegotoneskiononefoot,"Isaid."Thentheotherskigoesonthefootyou'vegotover.Ishouldhavethoughtyouwouldhaveseen
that.""ButImayhaveputthefirstoneonwrong."
"Yououghttoknow,afteralltheseyears,thatyouarecertaintohavedoneso,"Isaidseverely.HavinghadmyownhiredskisfixedonbytheconciergeIfeltrathersuperior.Simpson,havingboughthisinLondon,wasregardeddarklybythatgentleman,andlefttohisowndevices.
"Areweallready?"askedMyra,whohadkeptuswaitingfortwentyminutes."Archie,whataboutDahlia?"
"Dahliawilljoinusatlunch.SheisexpectingaletterfromPeterbythetwelveo'clockpostandrefusestostartwithoutit.Alsoshedoesn'tthinksheisuptoski-ingjustyet.Alsoshewantstohaveaheart-to-hearttalkwiththegirlinred,andbreakittoherthatThomasisengagedtoseveralpeopleinLondonalready."
"Comeon,"growledThomas,andheledthewayupthehill.Wefollowedhiminsinglefile.
Itwasadayofcolour,straightfromheaven.Oneithersidethedazzlingwhitenessofthesnow;above,thedeepblueofthesky;infrontofmethegloriousapricotofSimpson'swintersuiting.Londonseemedahundredyearsaway.Itwasimpossibletoworkuptheleast
interestintheHomeRuleBill,theBilliardTournament,orthestateofSt.Paul'sCathedral.
"Ifeelextremelypicturesque,"saidArchie."Ifonlywehadawolfortwoafterus,theillusionwouldbecomplete.TheBoyTrappers,orHalf-HoursamongtheRockyMountains."
"Itisapleasantthought,Archie,"Isaid,"thatinanywolftroublethebachelorsofthepartywouldhavetosacrificethemselvesforus.Myradear,thelossofSamuelinsuchcircumstanceswoulddrawusvery
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closetogether.TheremightbealossofThomastoo,perhaps--foriftherewasnotenoughofSimpsontogoround,iftherewasahungrywolfleftover,wouldThomashesitate?"
"No,"saidThomas,"Ishouldrunlikeahare."
Simpsonsaidnothing.HisfaceIcouldnotsee;buthisbacklookedexactlylikethebackofamanwhowastryingtolookasifhehadbeenbroughtuponskisfromababyandwasnowtakingasmallpartyofenthusiasticnovicesoutfortheirfirstlesson.
"Whatanawfulshockitwouldbe,"Isaid,"ifwefoundthatSamuelreallydidknowsomethingaboutitafterall;and,whileweweretumblingaboutanyhow,hesailedgracefullydownthesteepestslopes.IshouldgostraightbacktoCricklewood."
"Mydearchap,I'vereadalotaboutit."
"Thenwe'requitesafe."
"Withallhisfaults,"saidArchie,"andtheyaremany--Samuelisagentleman.Hewouldnevertakeanunfairadvantageofus.Hallo,hereweare!"
WelefttheroadandmadeourwayacrossthesnowtoalittlewoodenhutwhichArchiehadnoticedthedaybefore.HereweweretomeetDahliaforlunch;andhere,accordingly,welefttherucksackandsuchgarmentsastheheatofthesunsuggested.Then,atthetopofalongsnow-slope,steepatfirst,moregentlelater,westoodandwondered.
"Who'sgoingfirst?"saidArchie.
"Whatdoyoudo?"askedMyra.
"Youdon't.Itdoesitforyou."
"Buthowdoyoustop?"
"Don'tbotheraboutthat,dear,"Isaid."Thatwillbearrangedforyouallright.Taketwostepstothebrinkofthehillandpickyourselfupatthebottom.Nowthen,Simpson!Beaman.Theladywaits,Samuel.The----Hallo!Hi!Help!"Icried,asIbegantomoveoffslowly.Itwastoolatetodoanythingaboutit."Good-bye,"Icalled.Andthenthingsmovedmorequickly....
Veryquickly....
SuddenlytherecameamomentwhenIrealizedthatIwasn'tkeepingupwithmyfeet....
Ishoutedtomyskistostop.Itwasnogood.Theywenton....
Idecidedtostopwithoutthem....
Theensuingsecondwentbytooswiftlyformetounderstandrightlywhathappened.Ifancythat,risingfrommysittingpositionandtravellingeasilyonmyhead,Icaughtmyskisupagainandpassedthem....
Thenitwastheirturn.Theyovertookme....
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ButIwasnottobebeaten.OncemoreIobtainedthelead.ThistimeItooktheinsideberth,andkeptit....
ThereseemedtobealotmoresnowthanIreallywanted....Istruggledbravelywithit....
Andthentheearthquakeceased,andsuddenlyIwasintheouterair.Myfirstski-run,themostgloriousrunofmoderntimes,wasover.
"Ripping!"Ishoutedupthehilltothem."Butthere'sratheranastybumpatthebottom,"Iaddedkindly,asIsetmyselftotheimpossiblebusinessofgettingup....
"Jove,"saidArchie,comingtorestafewyardsoff,"that'ssplendid!"Hehadfalleninalessstrikingwaythanmyself,andhegottohisfeetwithoutdifficulty."Whydoyouposelikethat?"heasked,ashepickeduphisstick.
"I'mafixture,"Iannounced."Myra,"Isaid,assheturnedasomersaultandarrivedbeamingatmyside,"I'mhereforsometime;you'llhavetocomeouteverymorningwithcrumbsforme.Intheafternoonyoucanbringacheeringbookandreadaloudtoyourhusband.SometimesIshalldictatelittlethingstoyou.Theywillnotbemybestlittlethings;forthisposition,withmyfeetsomuchhigherthanmyhead,isnotthe
oneinwhichinspirationcomestomemostreadily.Theflowofbloodtothebrainimpairsreflection.Butnomatter."
"Areyoureallystuck?"askedMyrainsomeanxiety."Ishouldhatetohaveahusbandwholivedbyhimselfinthesnow,"shesaidthoughtfully.
"Letuslookonthebrightside,"saidArchie."ThesnowwillhavemeltedbyApril,andhewillthenbeabletoreturntoyou.Hallo,here'sThomas!Thomaswillprobablyhavesomecleverideaforrestoringthefamilycredit."
Thomasgotupinabusinesslikemannerandclimbedslowlybacktous.
"Thomas,"Isaid,"youseetheposition.Indeed,"Iadded,"itisobvious.Noneofthepeopleroundmeseemsinclined--or,itmaybe,able--tohelp.ThereisafeelingthatifMyralivesinthehotelalonewhileIremainhere--possiblytillApril--peoplewilltalk.Youknowhowreadytheyare.ThereisalsothefactthatIhaveonlyhiredtheskisforthreeweeks.Also--aminorpoint,butonethattouchesmerather--thatIshallwantmyhaircutlongbeforeMarchisout.Thomas,imaginemetobeatorpedo-destroyerontheMaplinSands,andtellmewhatonearthtodo."
"Takeyourskisoff."
"Oh,brilliant!"saidMyra.
"Takemyskisoff?"Icried."Never!Isitnotmydutytobethelasttoleavemyskis?CanIabandon----Hallo!isthatDahliaonthesky-line?Hooray,lunch!Archie,takemyskisoff,there'sagoodfellow.Wemustn'tkeepDahliawaiting."
III.--ATYPICALMORNING
"Youtakelunchoutto-day--no?"saidJosef,thehead-waiter,inhis
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invariableformula.
MyraandIwerealoneatbreakfast,thefirstdown.Iwasjustputtingsomehoneyontomyseventhroll,andwasnotreallyinthemoodforlightconversationwithJosefaboutlunch.Bytheway,ImustsayIpreferthegoodoldEnglishbreakfast.Witheggsandbaconandporridgeyoudoknowwhenyouwanttostop;withrollsandhoneyyouhardlynoticewhatyouaredoing,andthereseemsnoreasonwhyyoushouldnotgoonforever.Indeed,once...butyouwouldneverbelieveme.
"Wetakelunchoutto-day,yes,Josef.Lunchfor--letmesee----"
"Six?"suggestedMyra.
"Whatareweallgoingtodo?Archiesaidsomethingaboutskating.I'moffthat."
"Butwhateverwedowemustlunch,andit'smuchniceroutdoors.Six,Josef."
Josefnoddedandretired.Itookmyeighthroll.
"Dolet'sgetoffquicklyto-day,"Isaid."There'salwayssomuchchatinthemorningbeforewestart."
"I'vejustgotoneswiftlettertowrite,"saidMyra,asshegotup,"andthenIshallbepawingtheground."
HalfanhourlaterIwasinthelounge,booted,capped,gloved,andputteed--thecompleteSt.Bernard.TheloungeseemedtobeentirelyfullofhotairandentirelyemptyofanybodyIknew.Iaskedforletters;and,gettingnone,wentoutandlookedatthethermometer.TomysurpriseIdiscoveredthattherewerethirty-sevendegreesoffrost.Alittlealarmed,Itappedthethingimpatiently."Come,come,"Isaid,"thisisnotthetimeforpersiflage."However,itinsistedonremainingatfivedegreesbelowzero.WhatIshouldhavedoneaboutitIcannotsay,butatthatmomentIrememberedthatitwasaCentigrade
thermometerwiththefreezingpointinthewrongplace.Slightlydisappointedthattherewereonlyfivedegreesoffrost(Centigrade)Ireturnedtothelounge.
"Hereyouareatlast,"saidArchieimpatiently."Whatareweallgoingtodo?"
"Where'sDahlia?"askedMyra."Let'swaittillshecomesandthenwecanalltalkatonce."
"Heresheis.Dahlia,forHeaven'ssakecomeandtellusthearrangementsfortheday.StartwiththeideafixedinyourmindthatMyraandIhaveorderedlunchforsix."
Dahliashepherdedustoaquietcorneroftheloungeandweallsatdown.
"Bytheway,"saidSimpson,"arethereanylettersforme?"
"No;it'syourturntowrite,"saidArchie.
"But,mydearchap,theremustbeone,because----"
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"Butyouneveracknowledgedthebed-socks,"Ipointedout."Shecan'twritetillyou----Imean,itwasratherforwardofhertosendthematall;andifyouhaven'teven----"
"Well,"saidDahlia,"whatdoesanybodywanttodo?"
Thomaswasthefirsttoanswerthequestion.Agirlinredcameinfromthebreakfast-roomandsatdownnearus.ShelookedupinourdirectionandmetThomas'seye.
"Goodmorning,"saidThomas,withasmile,andheleftusandmovedacrosstoher.
"That'sthegirlhedancedwithalllastnight,"whisperedMyra."Ican'tthinkwhat'scomeoverhim.IsthisourreservedThomas--Thomasthetaciturn,whomweknowandlovesowell?Idon'tlikethewayshedoesherhair."
"She'saMissAylwyn,"saidSimpsoninaloudvoice."Ihadonedancewithhermyself."
"Theworld,"saidArchie,"isfullofpeoplewithwhomSamuelhashadonedance."
"Well,thatwashesThomasout,anyway.He'llspendthedayteachinghersomething.Whataretherestofusgoingtodo?"
Therewasamoment'ssilence.
"Oh,Archie,"saidDahlia,"didyougetthosenailsputinmyboots?"
IlookedatMyra...andsighed.
"Sorry,dear,"hesaid."I'lltakethemdownnow.Themanwilldothemintwentyminutes."HewalkedovertotheliftatthesamemomentthatThomasreturnedtous.
"Isay,"beganThomas,alittleawkwardly,"ifyou'rearrangingwhattodo,don'tbotheraboutme.Iratherthoughtof--er--takingitquietlythismorning.IthinkIoverdiditabityesterday."
"Wewarnedyouatthetimeaboutthefourthhard-boiledegg,"Isaid.
"Imeanttheski-ing.Wethoughtof--Ithoughtofhavinglunchinthehotel,but,ofcourse,youcanhavemyrucksacktocarryyoursin.Er--I'llgoandputitinforyou."
Hedisappearedrathersheepishlyinthedirectionofthedining-room.
"Now,Samuel,"saidMyragently.
"Nowwhat,Myra?"
"It'syourturn.Ifyouhaveaheadache,tellushername."
"MydearMyra,Iwanttoskito-day.Whereshallwego?Let'sgototheoldslopesandpractisetheChristianiaTurn."
"WhatyouwanttopractiseistheordinaryHampsteadStraight,"Isaid."Amediumperformanceofyoursyesterday,Samuel."
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"But,mydearoldchap,"hesaideagerly,"Itoldyouitwasthefaultofmyskis.Theywouldsticktothesnow.Oh,Isay,"headded,"thatremindsme.Imustgoandbuysomewaxforthem."
Hedashedoff.IlookedatMyra...andsighed.
"Thenail-manwon'tbelong,"saidArchietoDahlia,onhisreturn."I'mtocallfortheminaquarterofanhour."
"Can'tyouwearsomeotherboots,Dahlia,oryourbedroomslippersorsomething?It'shalf-pasteleven.Wereallymustgetoffsoon."
"Butwehaven'tsettledwherewe'regoingyet."
"Thenfor'eving'ssakelet'sdoit.MyraandIthoughtwemightgoupabovethewoodatthebackandexplore.Wecanalwaysskidown.Itmightberatherexciting."
"Remember,"saidDahlia,"I'mnotsoexpertasyouare."
"Ofcourse,"saidMyra,"we'retheOberlandmixedchampions."
"Youknow,"saidArchie,"Iwastalkingtothemanwho'sdoingDahlia's
bootsandhesaidthesnowwouldbebadforski-ingto-day.""IfhetalkedinFrench,nodoubtyoumisunderstoodhim,"Isaid,alittleannoyed."Hewasprobablyaskingyoutobuyapairofskates."
"Talkingaboutthat,"saidArchie,"whyshouldn'tweskatethismorning,andhavelunchatthehotel,andthengettheboboutthisafternoon?"
"Hereyouare,"saidThomas,comingupwithaheavyrucksack."Lunchforsix,soyou'llhaveanextraone."
"I'dforgottenaboutlunch,"saidArchie."Lookhere,justtalkitoverwithDahliawhileIgoandseeaboutmyskates.Idon'tsupposeJosef
willmindifwedostayintolunchafterall.WhataboutSimpson?"
IlookedatMyra...andsighed.
"Whatabouthim?"Isaid.
.....
Halfanhourlatertwoexhaustedpeople--oneofthemwithlunchforsixonhisback--begantheascenttothewood,trailingtheirskisbehindthem.
"Anothermoment,"saidMyra,"andIshouldhavescreamed."
IV.--THOMAS,ANDATURN
Myrafinishedherorange,driedherhandsdaintilyonmyhandkerchief,andspokehermind.
"Thisisthethirdtime,"shesaid,"thatThomashasgivenustheslip.IfhegetsengagedtothatgirlinredIshallcry."
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"Thereare,"Isaid,idlythrowingacrustatSimpsonandmissinghim,"engagementsandSwissengagements--justastherearemeaslesandGermanmeasles.ItiswellknownthatSwissengagementsdon'tcount."
"WegotengagedinKent.Abitofluck."
"IhavenothingagainstMissAylwyn----"Iwenton.
"Exceptthewayshedoesherhair."
"--butshedoesn'tstrikemeasbeingtheessentialRabbit.Wecannotadmithertothe--er--fold."
"Thecovey,"suggestedMyra.
"Thewarren.Anyhow,she----Simpson,forgoodness'sakestopfoolingaboutwithyourbeardedfriendandtelluswhatyouthinkofitall."
Wewerefinishinglunchintheleeofalittlechalet,highabovethehotel,andSimpsonhadpickedupanacquaintancewithagoat,whichhewasapparentlytryingtoconciliatewithapieceofchocolate.Thegoat,however,seemedtowantapieceofSimpson.
"Mydearoldchap,hewon'tgoaway.Here--shoo!shoo!IwishIknew
whathisnamewas.""Ernest,"saidMyra.
"Ican'tthinkwhyyouevergotintosuchahirsuteset,Simpson.Heprobablywantsyourcompass.Giveittohimandlethimwithdraw."
Ernest,havingdecidedthatSimpsonwasnotworthknowing,withdrew,andweresumedourconversation.
"Whenweelderlymarriedfolkhaveretired,"Iwenton,"andyougayyoungbachelorssitupoveralastcigartodiscussyourconquests,hasnotThomasunbenttoyou,Samuel,andtoldyouofhishopesandfears?"
"Hetoldmelastnighthewasafraidhewasgoingbald,andhesaidhehopedhewasn't."
"That'sabadsign,"saidMyra."Whatdidyousay?"
"IsaidIthoughthewas."
WithsomedifficultyIgotupfrommyseatinthesnowandbuckledonmyskis.
"Comeon,let'sforgetThomasforabit.SamuelisnowgoingtoshowustheChristianiaTurn."
Simpson,alleagerness,begantopreparehimself.
"IsaidIwould,didn'tI?Iwasdoingitquitewellyesterday.Thisisaperfectlittleslopeforit.Youunderstandthetheoryofit,don'tyou?"
"Wehopetoaftertheexhibition."
"Well,thegreatthingistoleantheoppositewaytothewayyouthink
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yououghttolean.That'swhat'ssodifficult."
"Youunderstand,Myra?Samuelwillleantheoppositewaytowhathethinksheoughttolean.TellErnest."
"Butsupposeyouthinkyououghttoleantheproperway,thewaytheydoinChristiania,"saidMyra,"andyouleantheoppositeway,thenwhathappens?"
"ThatiswhatSamuelwillprobablyshowus,"Isaid.
Simpsonwasnowready.
"Iamgoingtoturntotheleft,"hesaid."Watchcarefully.Ofcourse,Imaynotbringitoffthefirsttime."
"Ican'thelpthinkingyouwill,"saidMyra.
"Itdependswhatyoucallbringingitoff,"Isaid."Wehaveeveryhopeof--Imeanwedon'tthinkourmoneywillbewasted.Haveyougottheopera-glassesandthepeppermintsandtheprogramme,darling?Thenyoumaybegin,Samuel."
Simpsonstarteddowntheslopealittleunsteadily.ForonemomentI
fearedthattheremightbeanaccidentbeforetherealaccident,butherecoveredhimselfnoblyandspedtothebottom.Thenacloudofsnowshotup,andforquitealongtimetherewasnoSimpson.
"Iknewhewouldn'tdisappointus,"gurgledMyra.
Wesliddowntohimandhelpedhimup.
"Youseetheidea,"hesaid."I'mafraidIspoiltitalittleatthatend,but----"
"MydearSamuel,youimproveditoutofallknowledge."
"ButthatactuallyistheChristianiaTurn."
"Oh,whydon'tweliveinChristiania?"exclaimedMyratome."Couldn'twepossiblyaffordit?"
"Itmustbeahappytown,"Iagreed."Howtheoldstreetsmustringandringagainwithjoviallaughter."
"ShallIdoitoncemore?"
"Canyou?"saidMyra,claspingherhandseagerly.
"Waithere,"saidSamuel,"andI'lldoitquiteclosetoyou."
Myraunstrappedhercamera.
Halfanhourlater,withseveralexcellentfilmsofthesceneofthecatastrophe,westartedforhome.Itwasmorethanalittlesteep,buttherundownwasaccomplishedwithoutanyserioustrouble.Simpsonwentfirsttodiscoveranyhiddenditches(andtohiscreditbeitsaidthatheinvariablydiscoveredthem);Myra,inthepositionofsafetyinthemiddle,profitedbySamuel'sfrequentobject-lessons;whileI,attheback,wasreadytohelpMyraup,ifneedarose,ortorepelany
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avalanchewhichdescendedonusfromabove.Onthelevelsnowatthebottomwebecamemorecompanionable.
"Westillhaven'tsettledthegreatThomasquestion,"saidMyra."Whataboutto-morrow?"
"Whybotheraboutto-morrow?Carpediem.Latin."
"Butthegreattailingexpeditionisforto-morrow.Thehorsesareordered;everythingisprepared.Onlyonethingremainstosettle.ShallwehavewithusagrumpybutAylwynlessThomas,orshallwelethimbringherandspoiltheparty?"
"Shecan'tspoiltheparty.I'mheretoenjoymyself,andallThomas'sfiancéescan'tstopme.Let'shaveThomashappy,anyway."
"She'sreallyquiteanicegirl,"saidSimpson."Idancedwithheronce."
"Right-o,then.I'lltellDahliatoinviteher."
Wehurriedontothehotel;butaswepassedtherinkthePresidentstoppedmeforachat.Hewantedmetoreciteataconcertthatevening.BaselydesertedbyMyraandSamuel,ItoldhimthatIdidnotrecite;
andItooktheopportunityofaddingthatpersonallyIdidn'tthinkanybodyelseoughtto.IhadjustpersuadedhimtomypointofviewwhenInoticedThomascuttingremarkablefiguresontheice.Hepickedhimselfupandskatedtotheside.
"Hallo!"hesaid."Hadagoodday?"
"Splendid.Whathaveyoubeendoing?"
"Oh--skating."
"Isay,aboutthistailingexpeditionto-morrow----"
"Er--yes,Iwasjustgoingtotalkaboutthat."
"Well,it'sallright.MyraisgettingDahliatoaskhertocomewithus."
"Good!"saidThomas,brighteningup.
"Yousee,weshallonlybeseven,evenwithMissAylwyn,and----"
"MissAylwyn?"saidThomasinahollowvoice.
"Yes,isn'tthatthenameofyourfriendinred?"
"Oh,thatone.Oh,butthat'squite--Imean,"hewentonhurriedly,"MissAylwynisprobablybookedupforto-morrow.It'sMissCardewwhoissokeenontailing.Thatgirlingreen,youknow."
ForamomentIstaredathimblankly.ThenIlefthimanddashedafterMyra.
V.--ATAILINGPARTY
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Theprocessionpreparedtostartinthefollowingorder:--
(1)Abraceofsinister-lookinghorses.
(2)Gaspard,theLastoftheBandits;or"Whycausealotoftalkbypushingyourrichuncleoverthecliff,whenyoucanhavehimstabbedquietlyforonefrancfifty?"(IfeverIwereinanyvendettabusinessIshouldpickGaspardfirst.)
(3)Asleighfulloflunch.
(4)Afewwell-knownladiesandgentlemen(beingthecreamoftheHôteldesAngéliques)onluges;namely,readingfromlefttoright(whichisreallythebestmethod--unlessyouaretranslatingHebrew),Simpson,Archie,Dahlia,Myra,me,MissCardew,andThomas.
WhileGaspardwasputtingthefinishingknotstotheluges,IaddressedafewremarkstoMissCardew,fearingthatshemightbefeelingalittlelonelyamongstus.Isaidthatitwasalovelyday,anddidshethinkthesnowwouldholdofftillevening?Alsohadsheeverdonethissortofthingbefore?Iforgetwhatheranswerswere.
ThomasmeanwhilewasexchangingbadinageonthehotelstepswithMissAylwyn.TheremustbesomethingpeculiarintheSwissair,forin
EnglandThomasisquitearespectableman...andagodfather."Isupposewehaveaskedtherightone,"saidMyradoubtfully.
"Hisyoungaffectionsaredivided.Therewasathirdgirlinpinkwithwhomhebreakfastedalotthismorning.Itistheoldtraditionofthesea,youknow.Asailor--ImeananAdmiraltycivilianhasawifeateverywirelessstation."
"Takeyourseats,please,"saidArchie."Thehorsesaresickofwaiting."
Wesatdown.ArchietookDahlia'sfeetonhislap,Myratookmine,Miss
CardewtookThomas's.Simpson,aloneinfront,nursedaguide-book.
"Enavant!"criedSimpsoninhisbestFrench-taught-in-twelve-lessonsaccent.
Gaspardmutteredanoathtohisanimals.Theypulledbravely.Theropesnapped--andtheytrottedgailydownthehillwithGaspard.
Wehurriedafterthemwiththeluges....
"It'sagoodjoke,"saidArchie,afterthishadhappenedthreetimes,"but,personally,Iwearyofit.MissCardew,I'mafraidwe'vebroughtyououtunderfalsepretences.Thomasdidn'texplainthethingtoyou
adequately.Hegaveyoutounderstandthattherewasmoreinitthanthis."
Gaspard,whoseemedfullofrope,producedafourthpieceandtiedaknotthatmadeevenSimpsonenvious.
"Now,Samuel,"Ibegged,"dokeepthelinetautthistime.Whydoyousupposeweputyourapricotsuitrightinthefront?Isit,doyousuppose,forthesunseteffectsateleveno'clockinthemorning,orisitthatyoumaylookaftertheropeproperly?"
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"I'mawfullysorry,MissCardew,"saidSimpson,feelingthatsomebodyoughttoapologizeforsomethingandknowingthatGaspardwouldn't,"butIexpectitwillbeallrightnow."
Wesettleddownagain.OncemoreGaspardcursedhishorses,andoncemoretheystartedoffbravely.Andthistimewewentwiththem.
"Theideaallalong,"IexplainedtoMissCardew.
"Irathersuspectedit,"shesaid.Apparentlyshehasasuspiciousmind.
Afterthelittledescentatthestart,wewentuphillslowlyforacoupleofmiles,andthenmorerapidlyoverthelevel.Wehaddrivenoverthesameroadinasleigh,comingfromthestation,andhadbeenbitterlycoldandextremelybored.WhyourpresentpositionshouldbesomuchmoreenjoyableIdidn'tquitesee.
"It'stheexpectationofanaccident,"saidArchie."Atanymomentsomebodymayfalloff.Good."
"Mydearoldchap,"saidSimpson,turningroundtotakepartintheconversation,"whyanybodyshouldfalloff----"
Wewentsuddenlyroundacorner,andquietlyandwithoutanyfusswhateverSimpsonlefthislugeandrolledontothetrack.Luckilyanypossibilityofafurtheraccidentwasatonceavoided.Therewasnopanicatall.Archiekickedthebodytemporarilyoutoftheway;afterwhichDahlialeantoverandpusheditthoughtfullytothesideoftheroad.Myrawardeditoffwithalegasshenearedit;withbothhandsIhelpeditintothedeepsnowfromwhichithadshownatendencytoemerge;MissCardewputafootoutatitforsafety;andThomaspatteditgentlyontheheadastheendofthe"tail"wentpast....
Assoonaswehadrecoveredourpowersofspeech--allexceptMissCardew,whowasinhysterics--wecalleduponGaspardtostop.Heindicatedwiththebackofhisneckthatitwouldbedangeroustostop
justthen;anditwasnotuntilwewereatthebottomofthehill,nearlyamilefromtheplacewhereSimpsonleftus,thattheprocessionhalted,andgaveitselfupagaintolaughter.
"Ihopeheisnothurt,"saidDahlia,wipingthetearsfromhereyes.
"Hewouldn'tspoilagoodjokelikethatbygettinghurt,"saidMyraconfidently."He'smuchtoomuchofasportsman."
"Whydidhedoit?"saidThomas.
"Hesuddenlyrememberedhehadn'tpackedhissafety-razor.He'shalf-waybacktothehotelbynow."
MissCardewremainedinhysterics.
Tenminuteslaterabrilliantsunsetwasobservedapproachingfromthenorth.Alittlelateritwasseentobealargedishofapricotsandcream.
"Hedrawsnear,"saidArchie."Nowthen,let'sbesternwithhim."
Attwentyyards'rangeSimpsonbegantotalk.Histrothadheatedhim
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slightly.
"Isay,"hesaidexcitedly."You----"
Myrashookherheadathim.
"Notdone,Samuel,"shesaidreproachfully.
"Notwhat,Myra?Whatnot----"
"Yououghtn'ttoleaveuslikethatwithouttellingus."
"Afterall,"saidArchie,"wearealloneparty,andwearesupposedtokeeptogether.Ifyouprefertogoaboutbyyourself,that'sallright;butifwegotothetroubleofarrangingsomethingforthewholeparty----"
"Youmighthavecausedaverynastyaccident,"Ipointedout."Ifyouwereinahurry,youhadonlytosayawordtoGaspardandhewouldhavestoppedforyoutoalight.NowIbegintounderstandwhyyoukeptcuttingtheropeatthestart."
"YouhavesentMissCardewintohystericsbyyourconduct,"saidDahlia.
MissCardewgaveanotherpeal.Simpsonlookedatherindismay."Isay,MissCardew,I'mmostawfullysorry.Ireallydidn't----Isay,Dahlia,"hewentonconfidentially,"oughtn'twetodosomethingaboutthis?Rubherfeetwithsnowor--Imean,Iknowthere'ssomethingyoudowhenpeoplehavehysterics.It'sratherseriousiftheygoon.Don'tyouburnfeathersundertheirnose?"Hebegantofeelinhispockets."IwonderifGaspard'sgotafeather?"
WithagreateffortMissCardewpulledherselftogether."It'sallright,thankyou,"shesaidinastifledvoice.
"Thenlet'sgeton,"saidArchie.
Weresumedourseatsoncemore.ArchietookDahlia'sfeetonhislap.Myratookmine.MissCardewtookThomas's.Simpsonclungtighttohislugewithbothhands.
"Right!"criedArchie.
Gaspardsworeathishorses.Theypulledbravely.Theropesnapped--andtheytrottedgailyupthehillwithGaspard.
Wehurriedafterthemwiththeluges....
VI.--AHAPPYENDING
"Forourlastnighttheymightatleasthavehadadance,"saidMyra,"eveniftherewasnopublicpresentation."
"Aswehadhoped,"Iadmitted.
"Whatisagymkhana,anyway?"askedThomas.
"Afewlittlecompetitions,"saidArchie."Onemustcaterforthe
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chaperonssometimes.YouareallenteredfortheHat-makingandtheFeather-blowing--Dahliathoughtitwouldamuseyou."
"AtCambridge,"Isaidreminiscently,"Ionceblewthefeather119feet7inches.UnfortunatelyIsteppedoutsidethecircle.Myofficialrecordis2feet."
"DidyouevertrimahatatCambridge?"askedMyra."Becauseyou'vegottodooneformeto-night."
Ihadnotexpectedthis.MyviewofthecompetitionhadbeenthatIshouldhavetoprovidethefaceandthatshewouldhavetoinventsomesuitableframeforit.
"I'mfullofideas,"Ilied.
Nineo'clockfoundasmallrowofuspreparedtoblowthefeather.Thepresidentialinstructionswerethatwehadtoraceourfeatheracrossachalk-lineattheendoftheroom,anybodytouchinghisfeathertobedisqualified.
"Intheairoronthefloor?"askedSimpsonearnestly.
"Justasyoulike,"saidthePresidentkindly,andcameroundwiththe
bag.IselectedPercywithcare--adearlittlefeatherabouthalfaninchlongandofadelicatewhity-browncolour.Ishouldhaveknownhimagainanywhere.
"Go!"saidthePresident.Iwasratherexcited,withtheresultthatmyfirstblowwasmuchtoopowerfulforPercy.Heshotuptotheceilingand,inspiteofallIcoulddo,seemedinclinedtostaythere.AnxiouslyIwaitedbelowwithmymouthopen;hecameslowlydownatlast;andinmyeagernessIplayedmysecondjustashadetoosoon.Itmissedhim.Mythird(whenIwasreadyforit)wentharmlesslyoverhishead.Afranticfourthandfifthhelpedhimdownwards...andinanother
momentmybeautifulPercywasonthefloor.Idroppedonmykneesandplayedmysixthvigorously.Heswirledtotheleft;Iwasafterhimlikeashot...andcrashedintoThomas.Werolledoverinaheap.
"Sorry!"weapologizedaswegotbackontoourhandsandknees.
Thomaswentonblowing.
"Where'smyfeather?"Isaid.
Thomaswasnowtwoyardsahead,blowinglikeanything.Aterriblesuspiciondartedthroughmymind.
"Thomas,"Isaid,"you'vegotmyfeather."
Hemadenoanswer.Iscrambledafterhim.
"That'sPercy,"Isaid."Ishouldknowhimanywhere.You'reblowingPercy.It'sverybadformtoblowanotherman'sfeather.Ifitgotabout,youwouldbecutbythecounty.Givemebackmyfeather,Thomas."
"Howdoyouknowit'syourfeather?"hesaidtruculently."Feathersarejustalike."
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"HowdoIknow?"Iaskedinamazement."AfeatherthatI'vebroughtupfromtheegg?OfcourseIknowPercy."Ileantdowntohim."P--percy,"Iwhispered.Hedartedforwardagoodsixinches."Yousee,"Isaid,"heknowshisname."
"Asamatteroffact,"saidThomas,"hisname'sP--paul.Look,I'llshowyou."
"Youneedn'tbother,Thomas,"Isaidhastily."Thisismeretrifling.Iknowthat'smyfeather.Irememberhisprofiledistinctly."
"Thenwhere'smine?"
"HowdoIknow?Youmayhaveswallowedit.GoawayandleavePercyandmetoourselves.You'reonlyspoilingthekneesofyourtrousersbystayinghere."
"PaulandI----"beganThomas.
Hewasinterruptedbyaburstofapplause.Dahliahadcajoledherfeatheroverthelinefirst.Thomasroseandbrushedhimself."Youcan'avehim,"hesaid.
"There!"Isaid,asIpickedPercyupandplacedhimreverentlyinmywaistcoatpocket."Thatshowsthathewasmine.IfhehadbeenyourownlittlePaulyouwouldhavelovedhimevenindefeat.Oh,musicalchairsnow?Right-o."AndatthePresident'stouchIretiredfromthearena.
Wehadnotenteredformusicalchairs.PersonallyIshouldhavelikedto,butitwasfeltthat,ifnoneofusdid,thenitwouldbemoreeasytostopSimpsondoingso.ForatmusicalchairsSimpsonis--Iamafraidthereisonlyonewordforit;itisawordthatIhesitatetouse,butthetruthmustprevail--Simpsonisrough.Heletshimselfgo.Heplaysallheknows.WheneverItakeSimpsonoutanywhereIalwayswhispertomyhostess,"Notmusicalchairs."
Thelasteventoftheeveningwasthehat-makingcompetition.Eachmanofuswasprovidedwithfivelargesheetsofcolouredcrinklypaper,apacketofpins,apairofscissors,andaladyoppositetohim.
"Haveyouanyplansatall?"askedMyra.
"Heaps.Tellme,whatsortofhatwouldyoulike?SomethingforthePark?"Idoubledupapieceofbluepaperandlookedatit."Youknow,ifthisisasuccess,Myra,Ishalloftenmakeyourhatsforyou."
FiveminuteslaterIhadwhatIbelieveiscalleda"foundation."Anyhow,itwassomethingforMyratoputherheadinto.
"OurverylatestBondStreetmodel,"saidMyra."Onlyfifteenguineas--orthree-and-ninepenceifyoubuyitatourotherestablishmentinBattersea."
"Nowthen,Icangetgoing,"Isaid,andIbegantocutoutawhitefeather."Yes,yourladyship,thisisfromthegenuinebirdonourownostrichfarmintheFulhamRoad.Pluckedwhiletheingenuousbipedhaditsheadinthesand.Ishallputthatroundthebrim,"andIpinneditround.
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"Whataboutafewroses?"saidMyra,fingeringtheredpaper.
"Therosesaregoingthereontheright."Ipinnedthemon."Andahumming-birdandsomevioletsnexttothem....Isay,I'vegotalotofpaperover.Whataboutanicepieceofcabbage...there...andabunchofasparagus...andsometomatoesandaseagull'swingontheleft.Thebackstilllooksratherbare--let'shavesomepoppies."
"There'sonlythreeminutesmore,"saidMyra,"andyouhaven'tusedallthepaperyet."
"I'vegotaboutoneWilliamAllanRichardsonandacoupleofcanariesover,"Isaid,afterexaminingmystock."Let'sputitinsideaslining.There,Myra,mydear,I'mproudofyou.Ialwayssaythatinanicequiethatnobodylooksprettierthanyou."
"Time!"saidthePresident.
Anxiousmatronsprowledroundus.
"Wedon'tknowanyofthejudges,"Iwhispered."Thisisn'tfair."
ThematronsconferredwiththePresident.Heclearedhisthroat."Thefirstprize,"hesaid,"goesto----"
ButIhadswooned.
.....
"Well,"saidArchie,"theRabbitsreturntoEnglandwithtwocupswononthesnowfieldsofSwitzerland."
"Nobodyneedknow,"saidMyra,"whichwinter-sporttheywerewonat."
"UnlessIhave'Ski-ing,FirstPrize'engravedonmine,"Isaid,"asIhadratherintended."
"ThenIshallhave'Figure-Skating'onmine,"saidDahlia.
"Twocups,"reflectedArchie,"andThomasengagedtothreecharminggirls.Ithinkithasbeenworthit,youknow."
ABAKER'SDOZEN
ATRAGEDYINLITTLE
Thegreatquestionofthedayis,WhatwillbecomeofSidney?WheneverIthinkofhimnow,theunbiddentearwellsintomyeye...andwellsdownmycheek...andwellsontomycollar.MyfriendsthinkIhaveacold,andoffermelozenges;butitisSidneywhomakesmeweep.IfearthatIamabouttolosehim.
Hecameintomylifeinthefollowingway.
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SomemonthsagoIwantedtobuysomesilkstockings;notformyself,forIseldomwearthem,butforasister.Theideacamesuddenlytomethatanywomanwithabrotherandabirthdaywouldsimplylovetheonetogivehersilkstockingsfortheother.But,ofcourse,theywouldhavetobetherightsilkstockings--thefashionableshapefortheyear,thecorrectassortmentofclocks,andsoforth.Thenastomaterial--couldIbesureIwasgettingsilk,andnotsilketteorsomethinginferior?Howmaddeningif,seeingthatIwasanunprotectedman,theypalmedoffJaegeronme!Clearlythiswasacaseforoutsideassistance.SoIcalledinCelia.
"This,"Isaidtoher,"ispracticallytheonlysubjectonwhichIamnotanexpert.AtthesametimeIhaveadistinctfeelingforsilkstockings.Ifyoucanhurrymepastalltheembarrassingcounterssafely,andarrangefortheladybehindtherightonetoshowmetherightlineinsilkenhose,Iwillundertaketopickouthalfadozenpairsthatwouldmeltanysister'sheart."
Well,theaffairwentoffperfectly.CeliatookthematterintoherownhandsandbehavedjustasifIwerebuyingthemforher.Theshop-assistantalsobehavedasifIwere.FortunatelyIkeptmyheadwhenitcametogivingthenameandaddress."No,"IsaidfirmlytoCelia."Notyours;mysister's."AndIdraggedherawaytotea.
NowwhetheritwasbecauseCeliahadparticularlyenjoyedherafternoon;orbecauseshefeltthatamanwhowasasignorantasIaboutsilkstockingsmustleadaverylonelylife;orbecauseIhadmentionedcasuallyanderroneouslythatitwasmyownbirthdaythatweek,Icannotsay;butonthefollowingmorningIreceivedalittlebox,withanoteontheoutsidewhichsaidinherhandwriting,"Somethingforyou.Bekindtohim."AndIopeneditandfoundSidney.
HewasaJapanesedwarf-tree--themerestboy.Ateightyorninety,accordingtothephotographs,hewouldbeastalwartfellowwiththickbarkonhistrunk,andfir-conesoracorns(orwhateverwashisspeciality)hangingalloverhim.Justatpresenthewasbarelyten.I
hadonlyeightyyearstowaitbeforehereachedhisprime.
NaturallyIdecidedtolavishallmycareuponhisupbringing.Iwouldwaterhimafterbreakfasteverymorning,and(whenIrememberedit)atnight.Iftherewasanytop-dressingheparticularlyfancied,heshouldhaveit.Ifhehadanydeadleavestosnipoff,Iwouldsnipthem.
ItwasatthismomentthatIdiscoveredsomethingelseinthebox--acardofinstructions.Ihavenotgotitnow,andIhaveforgottentheactualwording,butthespiritofitwasthis:
HINTSONTHEPROPERREARINGANDBRINGING-UPOFAJAPANESEDWARF-TREE
Thelifeofthistreeisaprecariousone,andifitistobesuccessfullybroughttomanhoodthefollowingrulesmustbecarefullyobserved--
I.Thistreerequires,aboveallelse,freshairandexercise.
II.Wheneverthesunisshining,thetreeshouldbeplacedoutside,inapositionwhereitcanabsorbtherays.
III.Whenevertherainisraining,itshouldbeplacedoutside,ina
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positionwhereitcanabsorbthewet.
IV.Itshouldbetakenoutforatrotatleastonceeveryday.
V.Itsimplyloathesartificiallightandartificialheat.Ifyoukeepitinyourdrawing-room,seethatitissituatedasfaraspossiblefromthechandelierandthegas-stove.
VI.Italsodetestsnoise.Donotplaceitonthetopofthepianola.
VII.Itlovesmoonlight.Leaveitoutsidewhenyougotobed,incasethemoonshouldcomeout.
VIII.Ontheotherhand,ithateslightning.Coveritupwiththecanary'sclothwhenthelightningbegins.
IX.Ifitshowssignsofdrooping,acourseofmassagewillgenerallybringitround.
X.Butinnocaseofferitbuns.
Well,Ireadtheseinstructionscarefully,andsawatoncethatIshouldhavetohandoverthebusinessofrearingSidneytoanother.Ihavemy
livingtoearnthesameasanybodyelse,andIshouldnevergetanyworkdoneatallifIhadconstantlytoberushinghomefromtheofficeonthepleathatitwastimeforMasterSidney'ssun-bath.
SoIcalledupmyhousekeeper,andplacedthematterbeforeher.
Isaid:"LetmeintroduceyoutoSidney.Heisverydeartome;dearertomethana--abrother.No,onsecondthoughtsmybrotherisperhaps--well,anyhow,Sidneyisverydeartome.Iwillshowmytrustinyoubyaskingyoutotendhimforme.Hereareafewnotesabouthishealth.Franklyheisdelicate.Butthedoctorshavehope.Withcare,theythink,hemaylivetobeahundred-and-fifty.Hisfutureisinyourhands."
Myhousekeeperthankedmeforthismarkofesteemandtookthecardofinstructionsawaywithher.Iaskedherforitaweekafterwardsanditappearedthat,havingcommittedtherulestomemory,shehadlostit.ButthatshefollowstheinstructionsIhavenodoubt;andcertainlysheandSidneyunderstandeachother'swaysexactly.Automaticallyshegiveshimhisbath,hismassage,hisruninthepark.Whenitrainsorsnowsorshines,sheknowsexactlywhattodowithSidney.
ButasaconsequenceIseelittleofhim.Isupposeitmustalwaysbeso;weparentsmustmakethesesacrificesforourchildren.Thinkofamotheronlyseeinghereldest-bornforfifteenweeksayearthroughthelongperiodofhisschooling;andthinkofme,doomedtocatchonlythe
mostcasualglimpsesofSidneyuntilheisninety.
For,youknow,ImightalmostsaythatIneverseehimatallnow.AsIgotomyworkImay,ifIamlucky,getafleetingglanceofhimonthetiles,wherehesitsdrinkingintherainorsun.Intheevening,whenIreturn,heiseitheroutinthemoonlightor,ifindoors,shunningtheartificiallightwiththeclothoverhishead.Indeed,theonlytimeswhenIreallyseehimtotalktoarewhenCeliacomestoteawithme.Thenmyhousekeeperhurrieshiminfromhiswalkorhissun-bath,andputshim,brushedandmanicured,onmydesk;andCeliaandIwhisper
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fondnothingstohim.IbelieveCeliathinkshelivesthere!
.....
AsIbeganbysaying,IweepforSidney'sapproachingend.Formyhousekeeperleavesthisweek.Anewonetakesherplace.HowwillshetreatmypoorSidney?Theoldcardofinstructionsislost;whatcanIgiveherinitsplace?ThelegendthatSidney'sisapreciouslife--thathemusthavehismorningbath,hisrun,hisglassofhotwateraftermeals!Shewouldlaughatit.Besides,shemaynotbeatallthesortoffoster-motherforaJapanesedwarf-tree....
ItwillbreakmyheartifSidneydiesnow,forIhadsolookedforwardtocelebratinghisninetiethbirthdaywithhim.ItwillhurtCeliatoo.Buthergrief,ofcourse,willbeaninferioraffair.Infact,acoupleofpairsofsilkstockingswillhelphertoforgethimaltogether.
THEFINANCIER.I
ThisishowIbecameaWestAfricanminingmagnatewithastakeintheEmpire.
DuringFebruaryIgrewsuddenlytiredofwaitingforthesummertobegin.Londoninthesummerisapleasantplace,andchieflysobecauseyoucankeeponbuyingeveningpaperstoseewhatKentisdoing.InFebruarylifehasnosuchexcitementstooffer.SoIwrotetomysolicitoraboutit.
"Iwantyou"(Iwrote)"tobuymefiftyrubbershares,sothatIcanwatchthemgoupanddown."AndIadded"Brokerage1/8"toshowthatIknewwhatIwastalkingabout.
Herepliedterselyasfollows:--
"Don'tbeafool.IfyouhaveanymoneytoinvestIcangetyouasafemortgageatfivepercent.Letmeknow."
It'safunnythinghowthemindsofsolicitorsrunuponmortgages.Iftheywouldonlystoptothinkforamomenttheywouldseethatyoucouldn'tpossiblywatchasafemortgagegoupanddown.IleftmysolicitoraloneandconsultedHenryonthesubject.IntheintervalsbetweengolfandgolfHenrydabblesinfinance.
"Youdon'twantanythinggilt-edged,Igather?"hesaid.It'swonderfulhowtheytalk.
"Iwantittogoupanddown,"Iexplainedpatiently,andIindicatedtherequiredmovementwithmyumbrella.
"Whataboutalittleflutterinoil?"hewenton,justlikeafinancierinanovel.
"I'llhavealittleflutterinraspberryjamifyoulike.AnythingaslongasIcanrusheverynightforthelasteditionoftheeveningpapersandsaynowandthen,'Goodheavens,I'mruined.'"
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"Thenyou'dbettertryagold-mine,"saidHenrybitterly,inthevoiceofonewhohadtried."Takeyourchoice,"andhethrewthepaperovertome.
"Idon'twantawholemine--onlyaveinortwo.Yes,thisisveryinteresting,"Iwenton,asIgotamongtheWestAfricans."Thescoringseemstobeprettylow;Isupposeitmusthavebeenawetwicket.'H.E.Reef,1-3/4,2'--hedidalittlebetterinthesecondinnings.'1/2,BoffinRiver,5/16,7/16'--theyfollowedon,yousee,buttheysavedtheinningsdefeat.Bytheway,whichfiguredoIreallykeepmyeyeonwhenIwanttowatchthemgoupanddown?"
"Both.Oneeyeoneach.Anddon'ttalkaboutBoffinRivertome."
"Isitlikethat,Henry?Iamsorry.Isupposeit'stoolatenowtoofferyouasafemortgageatfivepercent?Iknowamanwhohassome.Well,perhapsyou'reright."
OnthenextdayIbecameamagnate.TheJaguarMinewastheoneIfixedupon--fortworeasons.First,thefigureimmediatelyafteritwas1,whichstruckmeasagoodpointfromwhichtowatchitgoupanddown.Secondly,ImetamanatlunchwhoknewsomebodywhohadactuallyseentheJaguarMine.
"Hesaysthatthere'snodoubtabouttherebeinglotsthere."
"Lotsofwhat?Jaguarsorgold?"
"Ah,hedidn'tsay.Perhapshemeantjaguars."
Anyhow,itwasanevenchance,andIdecidedtoriskit.Inaweek'stimeIwastheownerofwhatwecallintheCitya"block"ofJaguars--boughtfromoneHerbertBellingham,who,Isuppose,hadbeengotatbyhissolicitorandcompelledtoreturntosomethingsafe.IwasaWestAfricanmagnate.
Myfirsttwomonthsasamagnatewereagreatsuccess.WithmyheartinmymouthIwouldtearopenthefinancialeditionsoftheeveningpapers,tofindonedaythatJaguarshadsoaredlikearocketto1-1/16,thenextthattheyhaddroppedlikeastoneto1-1/32.Therewasoneterribleafternoonwhenforsomereasonwhichwillneverbeproperlyexplainedwesankto15/16.IthinktheEuropeansituationhadsomethingtodowithit,thoughthisnaturallyisnotadmitted.LordRothschild,Ifancy,suddenlythrewallhisJaguarsonthemarket;hesoldandsoldandsold,andonlyheldhishandwhen,indesperation,theTsargrantedtheconcessionforhisnewSouthendtoSiberiarailway.Somethinglikethat.Butheneverreckedhowtheprivateinvestorwouldsuffer;andtherewasI,sittingathomeandsendingoutmadlyforallthepapers,untilmyroomswerelitteredwithcopiesofTheTimes,TheFinancial
News,Answers,TheFeatheredWorld,andHomeChat.Nextdaywewereupto31/32,andIwasabletobreatheagain.
ButIhadotherpleasuresthanthese.PreviouslyIhadregardedtheCitywithawe,butnowIfeltaglowofpossessioncomeovermewheneverIapproachedit.OfteninthosefirsttwomonthsIusedtoleanagainsttheMansionHouseinafamiliarsortofway;onceIstruckamatchagainsttheRoyalExchange.AndwhatanimpressionoffinancialacumenIcouldmakeinadrawing-roombyacarelessreferencetomy"blockofJaguars"!EventhosewhomisunderstoodmeandthoughtIspokeofmy
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"flockofjaguars"werestartled.Indeedlifewasverygoodjustthen.
Butlatelythingshavenotbeengoingwell.AtthebeginningofAprilJaguarssettleddownat1-1/16.ThoughIstoodforhoursattheclubtape,myhairstandinguponendandmyeyeballsstartingfromtheirsockets,Jaguarsstillcamethroughsteadilyat1-1/16.Togivethemachanceofdoingsomething,Ileftthemaloneforawholeweek--withwhatagonyyoucanimagine.ThenIlookedagain;awholeweekandanythingmighthavehappened.Pauperormillionaire?--No,still1-1/16.
Worsewastofollow.EditorsactuallytooktoleavingoutJaguarsaltogether.Isupposetheyweresickofputting1-1/16ineveryedition.Buthowridiculousitmademyideaseemofwatchingthemgoupanddown!Howblanklifebecameagain!
AndnowwhatIdreadedmostofallhashappened.Ihavereceiveda"ProgressReport"fromthemine.Itgivesthe"totalfootage"forthemonth,specialreferencebeingmadeto"cross-cutting,winzing,andsinking."Theamountof"tonscrushed"isannounced.Thereisserioustalkof"ore"being"extracted";indeedtherehasalreadybeenamostalarming"yieldinfinegold."Inshort,itcannolongerbehushedupthatthepropertymayatanymomentbe"placedonadividend-payingbasis."
ProbablyIshallbegettingasafefivepercent!"Dashitall,"asIsaidtomysolicitorthismorning,"Imightjustaswellhaveboughtarottenmortgage."
THEFINANCIER.II
(Eighteenmonthslater)
ItisnearlytwoyearsagothatIbeganspeculatinginWestAfricanmines.Youmayrememberwhatastirmyentryintothefinancialworldcreated;howSirIsaacIsaacsteinwentmadandshothimself;howSir
SamuelSamuelsteinwentmadandshothistypist;andhowSirMosesMosesteinwentmadandshothistypewriter,permanentlydamagingtheletter"s."TherewaspanicintheCityonthatFebruarydayin1912whenIboughtJaguarsandsetthemarketrocking.
IboughtJaguarspartlyfortheriseandpartlyforthethrill.IndescribingmyspeculationtoyoueighteenmonthsagoIdweltchieflyonthethrillpart;IallegedthatIwantedtoseethemgoupanddown.ItwouldhavebeenmoreaccuratetohavesaidthatIwantedtoseethemgoup.ItwasbecauseIwassuretheyweregoingupthat,withtheunitedsupportofmysolicitor,mystockbroker,mylandagent,mydoctor,myarchitectandmyvicar(mostofthemhiredfortheoccasion),IboughtfiftysharesintheJaguarmineofWestAfrica.
WhenIboughtJaguarstheywereat1--1-1/16.Thismeansthat----No,onsecondthoughtsIwon't.Therewasatimewhen,intheprideofmynewknowledge,Ishouldhaveinsistedonexplainingtoyouwhatitmeant,butIamgettingblasénow;besides,youprobablyknow.ItisenoughthatIboughtthem,andboughtthemonthedistinctunderstandingfrommyfinancialadviserthatbytheendofthemonththeywouldbeupto2.InthatcaseIshouldhavemaderathermorethanfortypoundsinafewdays,simplybyassemblingtogethermysolicitor,stockbroker,land-agent,etc.,etc.,inLondon,andwithoutgoingtoWestAfricaat
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all.Awonderfulthought.
AttheendofamonthJaguarsweresteadyat1-1/16;andIhadreceivedareportfromtheminetotheeffectthatdownbelowtheyweresimplyhackinggoldoutasfastastheycouldhack,andupatthetopwereverybusyrinsingandwashingandsponginganddryingit.Thenextmonththesituationwasthesame:JaguarsinLondonverysteadyat1-1/16,JaguardiggersinWestAfricaverysteadyatgold-digging.AndattheendofthethirdmonthIrealizednotonlythatIwasnotgoingtohaveanythrillsatall,but(evenworse)thatIwasnotgoingtomakeanymoneyatall.Ihadbeendeceived.
.....
Thatwaswhere,eighteenmonthsago,IleftthestoryofmyCitylife.Agooddealhashappenedsincethen;asaresultofwhichIamoncemoreeagerlywatchingthepriceofJaguars.
AmonthortwoafterIhadwrittenaboutthem,Jaguarsbegantogodown.Theydidit(astheyhavedoneeverythingsinceIhaveknownthem)stupidly.Iftheyhaddroppedinasinglenightto3/4,Ishouldatleasthavehadmythrill.Ishouldhavesufferedinasinglenightthelossofsomepounds,andIcouldhaveborneitdramatically;eitherwiththesternnessofthesilentSaxon,orelsewiththevolubilityofthe
volatile--Ican'tthinkofanybodybeginningwitha"V."But,alas!Jaguarsneverdroppedatall.Theysubsided.Theysubsidedslowlybackto1--soslowlythatyoucouldhardlyobservethemgoing.Aweeklatertheywere63/64,which,ofcourse,ispracticallythesameas1.Amonthafterwardstheywere31/32,anditisadebatablepointwhetherthatislessormorethan63/64.Anyhow,bythetimeIhadworkeditoutanddecidedthatitwasslightlyless,theywereat61/64,andonehadthesametroublealloveragain.At61/64Ileftthemforatime;andwhenInextreadthefinancialcolumntheywereat15/16,whichstillseemedtobefairlynearto1.Andevenwhenatlast,aftermanymonths,Ifoundthemdownto7/8Iwasnotseriouslyalarmed,butfeltthatitwasduetosomelittlelocaltrouble(asthatthemanagerhadfallendownthemainshaftandwaspreventingthegoldbeingshotoutproperly),and
that,whentheobstructionhadbeenremoved,Jaguarswouldgoupto1again.
Buttheydidn't.Theycontinuedtosubside.Whentheyhadsubsidedto1/2Iwokeup.Mydreamoffinancialglorywasover.IhadlostmymoneyandmyfaithintheCity;well,letthemgo.WithaneffortIwashedJaguarsoutofmymind.Henceforwardtheywerenothingtome.
Andthen,monthsafter,Andrewcameonthescene.Atlunchonedayhehappenedtomentionthathehadbeentalkingtohisbroker.
"Doyouoftentalktoyourbroker?"Iaskedinadmiration.Itsoundedsomagnificent.
"Often."
"Ihaven'tgotabrokertotalkto.Whenyounextchattoyours,Iwishyou'dleadtheconversationroundtoJaguarsandseewhathesays."
"Why,haveyougotsome?"
"Yes,butthey'renogood.Haveacigarette,won'tyou?"
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NextmorningtomyamazementIgotatelegramfromAndrew."CangetyoutenshillingsforJaguars.Wireifyouwillsell,andhowmany."
Itwasreallyashocktome.WhenIhadaskedAndrewtomentionJaguarstohisbrokeritwassolelyinthehopeofhearingsomehumorousCitycommentontheirfutility--oneofthosecrispjestsforwhichtheStockExchangeisfamous.Ihadnoideathathisbrokermightliketobuythemfromme.
Iwiredback:"Sellfifty,quick."
Nextdayhetoldmehehadsoldthem.
"That'sallright,"Isaidcheerfully;"they'rehis.Hecanwatchthemgoupanddown.WhendoIgetmytwenty-fivepounds?"Tosavetwenty-fivepoundsfromthewreckwaswonderful.
"Notforamonth;and,ofcourse,youdon'tdeliverthesharestillthen."
"Whatdoyoumean,'delivertheshares'?"Iaskedinalarm."Ihaven'tgotthegold-minehere;it'sinAfricaorsomewhere.MustIgooutand----"
"Butyou'vegotacertificateforthem."Myheartsank.
"HaveI?"Iwhispered."GoodLord,Iwonderwhereitis."
Iwenthomeandlooked.Ilookedfortwodays;Isearcheddrawersanddesksandletter-booksandsafesandice-tanksandtrouser-presses--everyplaceinwhichacertificatemighthide.Itwasnogood.IwentbacktoAndrew.Iwascalm.
"AbouttheseJaguars,"Isaidcasually."Idon'tquiteunderstandmyposition.WhathaveIpromisedtodo?AndcantheyputmeinprisonifI
don'tdoit?"
"You'vepromisedtosellfiftyJaguarstoamancalledStevensbythemiddleofnextmonth.That'sall."
"Isee,"Isaid,andIwenthomeagain.
AndIsupposeyouseetoo.I'vegottosellfiftyJaguarstoamancalledStevensbythemiddleofnextmonth.AlthoughIreallyhavefiftyfullymaturedonesofmyown,there'snothingtoproveit,andtheyaresosuspiciousintheCitythattheywillnevertakemybareword.SoIshallhavetobuyfiftynewJaguarsforthismancalledStevens--andbuythembythemiddleofnextmonth.
AndthisiswhyIamstilleagerlywatchingthepriceofJaguars.Yesterdaytheywere5/8.Iamhopingthatbythemiddleofnextmonththeywillbedownto1/2again.ButIfinditdifficulttoremembersometimeswhichwayIwantthemtogo.Thisafternoon,forinstance,whenIsawtheyhadrisento11/16Iwasquiteexcitedforamoment;Iwentoutandboughtsomecigarsonthestrengthofit.ThenIremembered;andIcamehomeandalmostdecidedtosellthepianola.Itisveryconfusing.Youmustseehowveryconfusingitis.
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THEDOUBLE
Iwashavinglunchinoneofthoseplaceswhereyoustandandeatsandwichesuntilyouaretired,andthentrytocountuphowmanyyouhavehad.Asthecharmofthesesandwichesisthattheyalltasteexactlyalike,itisdifficulttorecalleachindividualasitwentdown;onefeels,too,afterthelastsandwich,thatone'smindwouldmorewillinglydwelluponothermatters.PersonallyIdetestthewholebusiness--theplace,thesandwiches,themethodofscoring--butitisconvenientandquick,andIcannotkeepaway.OnthisafternoonIwasgivingthefoiegrasplateaturn.Iknowamanwhowillnevertouchfoiegrasbecauseofthecrueltyinvolvedinthepreparationofit.Iexcusemyselfonthegroundthatmyownsufferingsineatingthesesandwichesaremuchgreaterthanthoseofanygooseinprovidingthem.
Therewasagrey-hairedmaninthecornerwhokeptlookingatme.Iseemedtomyselftobebehavingwithsufficientpropriety,andtherewasnothinginmyclothesorappearancetoinvitecomment;forintheworkingquarterofLondonahighstandardofbeautyisnotinsistedupon.OnthenextoccasionwhenIcaughthiseyeIfrownedathim,anda
momentlaterIfoundmyselftryingtostarehimdown.AftertwominutesitwasIwhoretiredinconfusiontomyglass.
AsIpreparedtogo--fortobewatchedatmealsmakesmenervous,andleadsmesometimestoeatthecardwith"FoieGras"onitinmistakeforthesandwich--hecameuptomeandraisedhishat.
"Youmustexcuseme,sir,forstaringatyou,"hesaid,"buthasanyoneevertoldyouthatyouareexactlylikeA.E.Barrett?"
Idrewmyselfupandrestedmylefthandlightlyonmyhip.IthoughthesaidDavidGarrick.
"Theveryimageofhim,"hewenton,"whenfirstImethim."
SomethingtoldmethatinspiteofhisgreyhairhewasnottalkingofDavidGarrickafterall.
"Likewho?"Isaidinsomedisappointment.
"A.E.Barrett."
Itriedtothinkofareply,bothgracefulandwitty.TheonlyoneIcouldthinkofwas,"Oh?"
"It'sextraordinary.Ifyourhairwerejustalittlelongerthelikeness
wouldbeperfect."
Ithoughtofofferingtogoawaynowandcomebackinamonth'stime.Anyway,itwouldbeanexcuseforgoingnow.
"IfirstknewhimatCambridge,"heexplained."Wewereuptogetherinthe'seventies."
"Ah,Iwasupinthenineteenhundreds,"Isaid."Ijustmissedyouboth."
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"Well,didn'ttheyevertellyouatCambridgethatyouweretheimageofA.E.Barrett?"
Itriedtothink.TheyhadtoldmelotsofthingsatCambridge,butIcouldn'trememberanytalkaboutA.E.Barrett.
"Ishouldhavethoughteveryonewouldhavenoticedit,"hesaid.
Ihadsomethinggracefulforhimthistimeallright.
"Probably,"Isaid,"thosewhowereunfortunateenoughtoknowmehadnotthehonourofknowingA.E.Barrett."
"ButeverybodyknewA.E.Barrett.You'veheardofhim,ofcourse?"
Thedreadfulmomenthadarrived.Iknewitwould.
"Ofcourse,"Isaid.
"Acharmingfellow."
"Verybrainy,"Iagreed.
"Well,justaskanyofyourartistfriendsiftheydon'tnoticethelikeness.Thenose,theeyes,theexpression--wonderful!ButImustbegoing.PerhapsIshallseeyouhereagainsomeday.Goodafternoon";andheraisedhishatandleftme.
YoucanunderstandthatIwasconsiderablydisturbed.First,whyhadIneverheardofA.E.Barrett?Secondly,whatsortoflookingfellowwashe?Thirdly,withallthistalkaboutA.E.Barrett,howevermanysandwicheshadIeaten?Thelastquestionseemedthemostimpossibletoanswer,soIsaid"eight,"tobeonthesafeside,andwentbacktowork.
IntheeveningIcalleduponPeter.Myacquaintanceoftheafternoonhad
assumedtooreadilythatIshouldallowmyselftobeonfriendlytermswithartists;butPeter'swifeillustratesbooks,andtheybothtalkinadisparagingwayofourgreatestAcademicians.
"Who,"Ibeganatonce,asIshookhands,"didIremindyouofasIcameinatthedoor?"
Peterwassilent.Mrs.Peter,feelingthatsomeanswerwascalledfor,said,"Thecat."
"No,no.NowI'llcomeinagain."Iwentoutandreturneddramatically."Nowthen,tellmefrankly,doesn'tthatremindyouofA.E.Barrettenteringhisstudio?"
"WhoisA.E.Barrett?"
Iwasamazedattheirignorance.
"He'sthewell-knownartist.Surelyyou'veheardofhim?"
"Iseemtoknowthename,"liedPeter."Whatdidhepaint?"
"'SunriseontheAlps,''ACorneroftheWest,''TheLongDay
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Wanes'--Idon'tknow.Something.Theusualthing."
"Andareyousupposedtobelikehim?"
"Iam.Particularlywheneatingsandwiches."
"Isitworthwhilegettingyousome,inordertoobservethelikeness?"askedMrs.Peter.
"Ifyou'veneverseenA.E.BarrettIfearyou'dmissthelikeness,eveninthemostfavourablecircumstances.Anyhow,youmusthaveheardofhim--dearoldA.E.!"
Theywereutterlyignorantofhim,soIsatdownandtoldthemwhatIknew;which,putshortly,wasthathewasaveryremarkable-lookingfellow.
.....
Ihavenotbeentothesandwich-placesince.DetestingthesandwichesasIdo,IfindA.E.Barrettagoodexcuseforkeepingaway.For,uponthedayafterthatwhenhecameintomylife,Ihadasuddencoldfearthatthethingwasaplant.How,inwhatway,Icannotimagine.ThatIamtobesoldaGuidetoCambridgeatthenextmeeting;thatanA.E.
Barretthair-restorerisabouttobeplacedonthemarket;thatanofferwillbemadetoenlargemyphotograph(orBarrett's)freeofchargeifIbuytheframe--no,Icannotthinkwhatitcanbe.
Yet,afterall,whyshoulditbeaplant?WeBarrettsarenotthesortofmentobemixedupwithfraud.ImpetuoustheBarretttypemaybe,obstinate,jealous--somuchyouseeinourfeatures.Butdishonest?Never!
Still,asIdidhonestlydetestthoselasteightsandwiches,Ishallstayaway.
ABREATHOFLIFE
Thisisthestoryofacomedywhichnearlybecameatragedy.Initswayitisratherapatheticstory.
ThecomedywascalledTheWooingofWinifred.ItwaswrittenbyanauthorwhosenameIforget;producedbythewell-knownand(ashispress-agenthasoftentoldus)popularactor-manager,Mr.Levinski;andplayedby(amongothers)thatverycharmingyoungman,ProsperVane--knownlocallyasAlfredBriggsuntilhetooktothestage.Prosper
playedtheyounghero,DickSeaton,whowasactuallywooingWinifred.Mr.Levinskihimselftookthepartofamiddle-agedmanoftheworldwithaslightembonpoint;downintheprogrammeasSirGeoffreyThrossellbutfortunatelystillMr.Levinski.Hisopeningwords,ashecameon,were,"Ah,Dick,Ihaveanoteforyousomewhere,"whichgavetheaudienceanintervalinwhichtowelcomehim,whilehefeltinallhispocketsfortheletter.Onecanbowquiteeasilywhilefeelinginone'spockets,anditismuchmorenaturalthanstoppinginthemiddleofanimportantspeechinordertoacknowledgeanycheers.Therealizationofthis,byadramatist,iswhatiscalled"stagecraft."
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Inthiscasetheaudiencecouldtellatoncethatthe"technique"oftheauthor(whosenameunfortunatelyIforget)wasgoingtobeallright.
ButperhapsIhadbetterdescribethewholeplayasshortlyaspossible.Thetheme--asoneguessedfromthetitle,evenbeforethecurtainrose--wasthewooingofWinifred.IntheFirstActDickproposedtoWinifredandwasrefusedbyher,notfromlackoflove,butforfearlestshemightspoilhiscareer,hebeingoneofthosebig-heartedmenwithahip-pockettowhomtheopenspacesoftheworldcallloudly;whereuponMr.LevinskitookWinifredononesideandtoldtheaudiencehow,whenhehadbeenayoungman,somegoodwomanhadrefusedhimforasimilarreasonandhadbeenmiserableeversince.AccordinglyintheSecondActWinifredwithdrewherrefusalandofferedtomarryDick,whodeclinedtotakeadvantageofherofferforfearthatshewaswillingtomarryhimfrompityratherthanfromlove;whereuponMr.LevinskitookDickononesideandtoldtheaudiencehow,whenhehadbeenayoungman,hehadrefusedtomarrysomegoodwoman(adifferentone)forasimilarreason,andhadbeenbroken-heartedeverafterwards.IntheThirdActitreallyseemedasthoughtheywerecomingtogetheratlast;foratthebeginningofitMr.Levinskitookthembothasideandtoldtheaudienceaparableaboutabutterflyandasnap-dragon,whichwasbothprettyandhelpful,andcausedseveralmiddle-agedladiesinthefirstandsecondrowsoftheuppercircletosay,"WhatanicemanMr.Levinskimustbeathome,dear!"--thepurport
oftheallegorybeingtoshowthatbothDickandWinifredwerebeingverysilly,asindeedbythistimeeverybodybuttheauthorwasaware.UnfortunatelyatthatmomentafootmanenteredwithatelegramforMissWinifred,whichannouncedthatshehadbeenleftfiftythousandpoundsbyadeaduncleinAustralia;and,althoughMr.LevinskiseizedthisfreshopportunitytotelltheaudiencehowinsimilarcircumstancesPride,tohislastingremorse,hadkepthimandsomegoodwoman(athirdone)apart,neverthelessDickheldbackoncemore,forfearlestheshouldbethoughttobemarryingherforhermoney.Thecurtaincomesdownashesays,"Good-bye...goodber-eye."ButthereisaFourthAct,andintheFourthActMr.Levinskihasasplendidtime.Hetellstheaudiencetwoparables--oneaboutadahliaandasheep,whichIcouldn'tquitefollow--andthreereminiscencesoflifeinIndia;he
bringstogetherfinallyandforeverthesehesitatinglovers;and,bestofall,hehasamagnificentlove-sceneofhisownwithaprettywidow,inwhichwesee,forthefirsttimeintheplay,howloveshouldreallybemade--notboy-and-girlpretty-prettylove,butthedeepemotionfelt(andwithoccasionallapsesofmemoryexplained)byamiddle-agedmanwithaslightembonpointwhohasknockedabouttheworldabitandknowslife.Mr.Levinski,Ineednotsay,wasathisbestinthisAct.
.....
ImetProsperVaneattheclubsometendaysbeforethefirstnight,andaskedhimhowrehearsalsweregoing.
"Oh,allright,"hesaid."Butit'sarottenplay.I'vegotsuchadashedsillypart."
"Fromwhatyoutoldme,"Isaid,"itsoundedrathergood."
"It'ssodashedunnatural.ForthreewholeactsthisgirlandIareinlovewitheachother,andweknowwe'reinlovewitheachother,andyetwesimplyfoolabout.She'sadashedprettygirl,too,myboy.InreallifeI'djollysoon----"
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"MydearAlfred,"Iprotested,"you'renotgoingtofallinlovewiththegirlyouhavetofallinlovewithonthestage?Ithoughtactorsneverdidthat."
"Theydosometimes;it'sadashedgoodadvertisement.Anyway,it'sasillypart,andI'mfedupwithit."
"Yes,butdobereasonable.IfDickgotengagedatoncetoWinifredwhatwouldhappentoLevinski?He'dhavenothingtodo."
ProsperVanegrunted.AsheseemeddisinclinedforfurtherconversationIlefthim.
.....
Theopeningnightcame,andtheusualdistinguishedandfashionableaudience(includingmyself),suchashabituallyattendsMr.Levinski'sfirstnights,settleddowntoenjoyitself.Twoactswentwell.AttheendofeachMr.Levinskicamebeforethecurtainandbowedtous,andwehadthehonourofclappinghimloudandlong.ThentheThirdActbegan....
NowthisishowtheThirdActends:--
ExitSirGeoffrey.Winifred(breakingthesilence).Dick,youheardwhathesaid.Don'tletthissillymoneycomebetweenus.IhavetoldyouIloveyou,dear.Won'tyou--won'tyouspeaktome?
Dick.Winifred,I----(Hegetsupandwalksroundtheroom,hisbrowknotted,hisrightfistoccasionallystrikinghisleftpalm.Finallyhecomestoastandinfrontofher.)Winifred,I----(Heraiseshisarmsslowlyatrightanglestohisbodyandletsthemfallheavilydownagain.)Ican't.(Inalow,hoarsevoice)I--can't!(Hestandsforamomentwithbenthead;thenwithajerkhepullshimselftogether.)Good-bye!(Hishandsgoouttoher,
buthedrawsthembackasiffrightenedtotouchher.Nobly)Goodber-eye.
[Hesquareshisshouldersandstandslookingattheaudiencewithhischinintheair;thenwithashrugofutterdespair,whichwouldbringtearsintotheeyesofanyyoungthinginthepit,heturnsandwithbentheadwalksslowlyout.
CURTAIN.
ThatishowtheThirdActends.Iwenttothedressrehearsal,andsoIknow.
HowtheaccidenthappenedIdonotknow.IsupposeProsperwasnervous;Iamsurehewasverymuchinlove.Anyhow,thisishow,onthatfamousfirstnight,theThirdActended:--
ExitSirGeoffrey.
Winifred(breakingthesilence).Dick,youheardwhathesaid.Don'tletthissillymoneycomebetweenus.IhavetoldyouIloveyou,dear.Won'tyou--won'tyouspeaktome?
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Dick(jumpingup).Winifred,I----(withagreatgulp)ILOVEYOU!!!
Whereuponhepickedherupinhisarmsandcarriedhertriumphantlyoffthestage...andafteralittlenaturalhesitationthecurtaincamedown.
.....
Behindthescenesallwasconsternation.Mr.Levinski(absolutelyfurious)hadahastyconsultationwiththeauthor(alsofurious),inthecourseofwhichtheybothsawthattheFourthActaswrittenwasnowanimpossibility.PoorProsper,whohadalmostimmediatelyrecoveredhissanity,tremblinglysuggestedthatMr.Levinskishouldannouncethat,owingtothesuddenillnessofMr.Vane,theFourthActcouldnotbegiven.Mr.Levinskiwaskindenoughtoconsiderthissuggestionnotentirelystupid;hisownideahavingbeen(veryregretfully)toleaveoutthetwoparablesandthreereminiscencesfromIndiaandconcentrateonthelove-scenewiththewidow.
"Yes,yes,"hesaid."Yourplanisbetter.Iwillsayyouareill.Itistrue;youaremad.To-morrowwewillplayitasitwaswritten."
"Youcan't,"saidtheauthorgloomily."Thecriticswon'tcometillthe
FourthAct,andthey'llassumethattheThirdActendedasitdidto-night.TheFourthActwillseemallnonsensetothem."
"True.AndIwassogood,somuchmyself,inthatAct."HeturnedtoProsper."You--fool!"
"Orthere'sanotherway,"begantheauthor."Wemight----"
Andthenagentlemaninthegallerysettleditfromthefrontofthecurtain.Therewasnothingintheprogrammetoshowthattheplaywasinfouracts."TheTimeisthepresentdayandtheSceneisinSirGeoffreyThrossell'stown-house,"wasallitsaid.Andthegentlemaninthegallery,thinkingitwasallover,andbeingpleasedwiththeplayand
particularlywiththerealismofthelastmomentofit,shouted"Author!"Andsuddenlyeverybodyelsecried"Author!Author!"Theplaywasended.
.....
Isaidthatthiswasthestoryofacomedywhichnearlybecameatragedy.Butitturnedouttobenotragedyatall.InthethreeactstowhichProsperVanehadcondemnedittheplayappealedtobothcriticsandpublic;fortheFourthAct(asherecognisedsoclearly)wasunnecessary,andwouldhavespoiltthebalanceofitentirely.Bestofall,theshorteningoftheplaydemandedthatsomeentertainmentshouldbeprovidedinfrontofit,andthisenabledMr.Levinskitointroduce
tothepublicProfessorWollabollacollaandPrincessCollabollawolla,thefamousexponentsoftheBongo-Bongo,thatfascinatingCentralAfricanwardancewhichwassoontobetherageofsociety.Butthough,asaresult,thetakingsoftheBoxOfficesurpassedallMr.Levinski'spreviousrecords,ourfriendProsperVanereceivednopracticalacknowledgmentofhisservices.HehadtobecontentwiththehandandheartoftheladywhoplayedWinifred,andthefactthatMr.Levinskiwasgoodenoughtoattendthewedding.Therewas,infact,aphotographinallthepapersofMr.Levinskidoingit.
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"UNDERENTIRELYNEWMANAGEMENT"
IknowafoolofadogwhopretendsthatheisaCockerSpaniel,andisconvincedthattheworldrevolvesroundhimwonderingly.Thesunrisessoitmayshineonhisglossymorningcoat;itsetssohismastermayknowthatitistimefortheeveningbiscuit;iftherainfallsitisthatafoolofadogmaywipeonhismistress'sskirthismuddyboots.Hisdayisalwaysexciting,alwaysfullofthesamegoodthings;hisnightarepetitionofhisday,moregloriouslydeveloped.Iftherebeasacredmomentbeforethedawnwhenheliesawakeandpondersonlife,hetellshimselfconfidentlythatitwillgoonforeverlikethis--alifeplannednoblyforhimself,butoneinwhichthemasterandmistresswhomheprotectsmustalwaysfindaplace.AndIthinkperhapshewouldwantaplaceforme,too,inthatlife,whoamnothisrealmasterbutyetoneofthehouse.Ihopehewould.
WhatChumdoesn'tknowisthis:hismasterandmistressareleavinghim.Theyaregoingtoapartoftheworldwhereafoolofadogwithnomannersisanuisance.IfChumcouldseeallthegoodlittleLondondogs,whoathomesitlanguidlyontheirmistress'slap,andabroadtake
theirviewoflifethroughamuffmuchbiggerthanthemselves;ifhecouldseethebigobedientdogswhowalksolemnlythroughtheParkcarryingtheirmaster'sstick,neverpausingintheirimpressivemarchunlessitbetoplungeintotheSerpentineandrescueadrowningchild,hewouldknowwhatImean.Hewouldadmitthatadogwhocannotanswertohisownnameandpaysbutlittlemoreattentionto"Down,idiot,"and"Comehere,fool,"isnoteveryplace'sdog.Hewouldadmitit,ifhehadtime.ButbeforeIcouldhavecalledhisattentiontohalfthegooddogsIhadmarkedouthewouldhavesatdownbeaminginfrontofamotor-car...andthenhewouldneverhaveknownwhatnowhewillknowsosoon--thathismasterandmistressareleavinghim.
Ithasbeenmybusinesstofindanewhomeforhim.Thisisharderthan
youthink.Icanmakehimsoundlovable,butIcannotmakehimsoundgood.Ofcourse,Imightleaveouthisdoubtfulqualities,anddescribehimmerelyasbeautifulandaffectionate;Imight...butIcouldn't.IthinkChum'shabitualsmilewouldgetlarger,hewouldwriggletheendofhimselfmoreecstaticallythaneverifheheardhimselfsummedupasbeautifulandaffectionate.Anyway,Icouldn'tdoit,forIgetcarriedawaywhenIspeakofhimandIrevealallhisbadqualities.
"Iamafraidheisasnob,"IconfessedtoonewomanofwhomIhadhopes."Hedoesn'tmuchcareforwhathecallsthelowerclasses."
"Oh?"shesaid.
"Yes,hehatesbadlydressedpeople.Corduroytrouserstiedupatthekneealwaysexcitehim.Idon'tknowifanyofyourfamily--no,Isupposenot.Butifheeverseesamanwithhistrouserstiedupatthekneehegoesforhim.Andhecan'tbeartradespeople;atleastnotthemen.Washerwomenheloves.Heratherlikesthewashing-baskettoo.Once,whenhewasleftalonewithitforamoment,heappearedshortlyafterwardsonthelawnwithapairof--well,Imeanhehadnobusinesswiththematall.Wegotthemawayafterabitofachase,andthentheyhadtogotothewashagain.Itseemedratherapitywhenthey'donlyjustcomeback.Ofcourse,Ismackedhisheadforhim;buthelooksso
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surprisedandreproachfulwhenhe'sdonewrongthatyouneverfeelit'squitehisfault."
"IdoubtifIshallbeabletotakehimafterall,"shesaid."I'vejustremembered----"
Iforgetwhatitwassheremembered,butitmeantthatIwasstillwithoutanewhomeforChum.
"Whatdoesheeat?"somebodyelseaskedme.Itseemedhopeful;IcouldseeChumalreadyinstalled.
"Officially,"Isaid,"helivesonpuppybiscuits;healsohasthetoast-crustsafterbreakfastandanoccasionalbone.Privately,heisfondofbees.Ihaveseenhimeatasmanyassixbeesinanafternoon.Sometimeshewandersdowntothekitchen-gardenandpicksthegooseberries;helikesallfruit,butgooseberriesarethethingshecanreachbest.Whentherearen'tanygooseberriesabouthehastobecontentwiththehipsandhawsfromtherose-trees.Butreallyyouneedn'tbother,hecaneatanything.Theonlythinghedoesn'tlikeiswhitening.Wewerejustgoingtomarkthelawnoneday,andwhilewewerebusypeggingitouthewanderedupanddrankthewhiteningoutofthemarker.Itispracticallytheonlydisappointmenthehaseverhad.Helookedatus,andyoucouldseethathisopinionofushadgonedown.
'Whatdidyouputittherefor,ifyoudidn'tmeanmetodrinkit?'hesaidreproachfully.Thenheturnedandwalkedslowlyandthoughtfullybacktohiskennel.Henevercameouttillnextmorning."
"Really?"saidmyman."Well,Ishallhavetothinkaboutit.I'llletyouknow."
Ofcourse,Iknewwhathemeant.
Withathirddog-lovertowhomIspokethenegotiationscametogrief,notapparentlybecauseofanyfaultofChum's,butbecause,ifyouwillbelieveit,ofmyshortcomings.AtleastIcansupposenothingelse.Forthismanhadbeenenthusiasticabouthim.Hehadrevelledinthetaleof
Chum'swickedness;hehadadoredhimforbeingsoconceited.Hehadpracticallysaidthathewouldtakehim.
"Do,"Ibegged."I'msurehe'dbehappywithyou.Yousee,he'snoteverybody'sdog;Imean,Idon'twantanyoddmanwhomIdon'tknowtotakehim.Itmustbeafriendofmine,sothatIshalloftenbeabletoseeChumafterwards."
"Sothat--what?"heaskedanxiously.
"SothatIshalloftenbeabletoseeChumafterwards.Week-ends,youknow,andsoon.Icouldn'tbeartolosethesillyoldassaltogether."
Helookedthoughtful;and,whenIwentontospeakaboutChum'sfondnessforchickens,andhisotherlovableways,hechangedthesubjectaltogether.Hewroteafterwardsthathewassorryhecouldn'tmanagewithathirddog.AndIliketothinkhewasnotafraidofChum--butonlyofme.
ButIhavefoundtherightmanatlast.AdaywillcomesoonwhenIshalltakeChumfromhispresenthometohisnewone.Thatwillbeagreatdayforhim.Icanseehiminthetrain,wipinghisbootseffusivelyoneverynewpassenger,wrigglingundertheseatandout
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againfromsheerjoyoflife;Icanseehiminthetaxi,takinghisonebriefimpressionofaworldthatmeansnothingtohim;Icanseehiminanothertrain,joyous,eager,puttinghispawsonmycollarfromtimetotimeandsayingexcitedly,"Whatadaythisis!"Andifhesurvivesthejourney;ifIcankeephimonthewayfromallthedelightfuldeathshelongstotry;ifIcangethimsafelytohisnewhouse,thenIcanseehim----
Well,Iwonder.Whatwilltheydotohim?WhenIseehimagain,willhebeasoberlittledog,answeringtohisname,carefultokeephismuddyfeetoffthevisitor'strousers,grownup,obedient,followingtoheelroundthegarden,thefaithfulservantofhismaster?Orwillhebethesameoldsillyass,nousetoanybody,alwaysdirty,alwayssmiling,alwaysintheway,aclumsy,blunderingfoolofadogwhoknowsyoucan'thelplovinghim?Iwonder....
Betweenourselves,Idon'tthinktheycanalterhimnow....Oh,Ihopetheycan't.
AFAREWELLTOUR
ThisispositivelyChum'slastappearanceinprint--forhisownsakenolessthanforyours.Heisconceitedenoughasitis,butifoncehegottoknowthatpeoplearealwayswritingabouthiminbookshisswaggerwouldbeunbearable.However,Ihavesaidgood-byetohimnow;Ihavenolongeranyrightsinhim.YesterdayIsawhimofftohisnewhome,andwhenwemeetagainitwillbeonadifferentfooting."Isthatyourdog?"Ishallsaytohismaster."Whatishe?ACocker?Jollylittlefellows,aren'tthey?Ihadonemyselfonce."
AsChumrefusedtodothejourneyacrossLondonbyhimself,ImethimatLiverpoolStreet.Hecameupinacrate;theworldmusthaveseemedverysmalltohimontheway."Hallo,oldass,"Isaidtohimthroughthe
bars,andinthelittlespacetheygavehimhewriggledhisbodywithdelight."ThankHeaventhere'soneof'emalive,"hesaid.
"Ithinkthisismydog,"Isaidtotheguard,andItoldhimmyname.
Heaskedformycard.
"I'mafraidIhaven'tonewithme,"Iexplained.Whenpolicementouchmeontheshoulderandaskmetogoquietly;whenIdragoldgentlemenfromunderneathmotor-'buses,andtheydecidetoadoptmeonthespot;onalltheimportantoccasionswhenonereallywantsacard,Ineverhaveonewithme.
"Can'tgivehimupwithoutproofofidentity,"saidtheguard,andChumgrinnedattheideaofbeingthoughtsovaluable.
Ifeltinmypocketsforletters.Therewasonlyone,butitofferedtolendme£10,000onmynoteofhandalone.Itwasaddressedto"DearSir,"andthoughIpointedouttotheguardthatIwasthe"Sir,"hestillkepttightholdofChum.Strangethatonemanshouldbepreparedtotrustmewith£10,000,andanothershouldbesocharyofconfidingtomeasmallblackspaniel.
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"TellthegentlemanwhoIam,"Isaidimploringlythroughthebars."Showhimyouknowme."
"He'sreallyallright,"saidChum,lookingattheguardwithhisgreathonestbrowneyes."He'sbeenwithusforyears."
AndthenIhadaninspiration.Iturneddowntheinsidepocketofmycoat;andthere,stitchedintoit,wasthelabelofmytailorwithmynamewrittenonit.Ihadoftenwonderedwhytailorsdidthis;obviouslytheyknowhowstupidguardscanbe.
"Isupposethat'sallright,"saidtheguardreluctantly.Ofcourse,Imighthavestolenthecoat.Iseehispoint.
"You--youwouldn'tlikeanicepacking-caseforyourself?"Isaidtimidly."Yousee,IthoughtI'dputChumonthelead.I'vegottotakehimtoPaddington,andhemustbetiredofhisshellbynow.Itisn'tasifhewerereallyanarmadillo."
Theguardthoughthewouldlikeashillingandanicepacking-case.Wood,heagreed,wasalwayswood,particularlyinwinter,butthereweretimeswhenyouwerenotreadyforit.
"Howareyoutakinghim?"heasked,gettingtoworkwithachisel.
"Underground?""Underground?"Icriedinhorror."TakeChumontheUnderground?Take----Haveyouevertakenalargeliveconger-eelontheendofastringintoacrowdedcarriage?"
Theguardneverhad.
"Well,don't.Takehiminataxiinstead.Don'twastehimonotherpeople."
Thecrateyawnedslowly,andChumemergedalloverstraw.Wehadananxiousmoment,butthetwoofusgothimdownandputtheleadonhim.
ThenChumandIwentoffforataxi.
"Hooray,"saidChum,wrigglingallover,"isn'tthissplendid?Isay,whichwayareyougoing?I'mgoingthisway?...No,Imeantheotherway."
Somebodyhadleftsomeofhismilk-cansontheplatform.Threetimeswewentroundoneinoppositedirectionsandunwoundourselvesthewrongway.ThenIhauledhimin,tookhimstrugglinginmyarmsandgotintoacab.
ThejourneytoPaddingtonwasfullofinterest.ForawholeminuteChumstoodquietlyontheseat,restedhisfore-pawsontheopenwindowand
drankinLondon.Thenhejumpeddownandwentmad.Hetriedtohangmewiththelead,andtheninremorsetriedtohanghimself.Hemadeadashforthelittlewindowattheback;misseditanddivedoutofthewindowattheside;washauledbackandkissedmeecstaticallyintheeyewithhissharpesttooth...."AndIthoughttheworldwasatanend,"hesaid,"andtherewerenomorepeople.Oh,Iamanass.Isay,didyounoticeI'dhadmyhaircut?Howdoyoulikemynewtrousers?Imustshowyouthem."Hejumpedontomylap."No,Ithinkyou'llseethembetterontheground,"hesaid,andjumpeddownagain."Orno,perhapsyouwouldgetabetterviewif----"hejumpeduphastily,"andyetIdon't
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know----"hediveddown,"though,ofcourse,ifyou----Ohlor!thisisaday,"andheputbothpawslovinglyonmycollar.
Suddenlyhewasquietagain.Thestillness,theabsenceofstorminthetaxiwassounnaturalthatIbegantomissit."Buckup,oldfool,"Isaid,buthesatmotionlessbymyside,plungedinthought.Itriedtocheerhimup.IpointedoutKing'sCrosstohim;hewouldn'tevenbarkatit.IcalledhisattentiontotheposteroutsidetheEustonTheatreofTheTwoBiffs;foralltheregardheshowedhemightneverevenhaveheardofthem.ThemonumentalmasonrybyPortlandRoadfailedtouplifthim.
AtBakerStreethewokeupandgrinnedcheerily."It'sallright,"hesaid,"Iwastryingtorememberwhathappenedtomethismorning--somethingrathermiserable,Ithought,butIcan'tgetholdofit.However,it'sallrightnow.Howareyou?"Andhewentmadagain.
AtPaddingtonIboughtalabelatthebookstallandwroteitforhim.Hewentroundandroundmyleglookingforme."Funnything,"hesaidashebegantounwind,"hewashereamomentago.I'lljustgoroundoncemore.Iratherthink...Ow!Oh,thereyouare!"Isteppedoffhim,unravelledtheleadanddraggedhimtotheParcelsOffice.
"Iwanttosendthisbythetwoo'clocktrain,"Isaidtothemanthe
othersideofthecounter."Sendwhat?"hesaid.
Ilookeddown.Chumwasmakinghimselfverysmallandblackintheshadowofthecounter.Hewascompletelyhiddenfromthesightofanybodytheothersideofit.
"Comeout,"Isaid,"andshowyourself."
"Notmuch,"hesaid."Aparcel!I'mnotgoingtobeajollyoldparcelforanybody."
"It'sonlyawayofspeaking,"Ipleaded."Actuallyyouaretravellingasasmallblackgentleman.Youwillgowiththeguard--adelightfulman."
Chumcameoutreluctantly.Theclerkleantoverthecounterandmanagedtoseehim.
"Accordingtoourregulations,"hesaid,andIalwaysdislikepeoplewhobeginlikethat,"hehastobeonachain.Aleatherleadwon'tdo."
Chumsmiledalloverhimself.Idon'tknowwhichpleasedhimmore--thesuggestionthathewasaverylargeandfiercedog,ortheimpossibilitynowofhistravellingwiththeguard,delightfulmanthoughhemightbe.
Hegavehimselfashakeandstartedforthedoor.
"Tut,tut,it'sagreatdisappointmenttome,"hesaid,tryingtolookdisappointed,buthisbackwouldwriggle."Thischainbusiness--sillyofusnottohaveknown--well,well,weshallbewiseranothertime.Nowlet'sgohome."
PooroldChum;Ihadknown.FromalargecoatpocketIproducedachain.
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"Dashit,"saidChum,lookingupatmepathetically,"youmightalmostwanttogetridofme."
Hewaschained,andthelabeltiedontohim.Forgivemethatlabel,Chum;Ithinkthatwastheworstoffenceofall.AndwhyshouldIlabelonewhowasspeakingsoeloquentlyforhimself;whosaidfromthetipofhislittleblacknosetotheendofhisstumpyblacktail,"I'masillyoldass,butthere'snothingwronginme,andthey'resendingmeaway!"Butaccordingtotheregulations--onemustobeytheregulations,Chum.
Igavehimtotheguard--adelightfulman.TheguardandIchainedhimtoabrakeorsomething.Thentheguardwentaway,andChumandIhadalittletalk....
Afterthatthetrainwentoff.
Good-bye,littledog.
THETRUTHABOUTHOMERAILS
Imagineus,ifyoucan,sittingoneoneachsideofthefire,Iwithmyfeetonthemantelpiece,Margerycurledupinthebluearm-chair,bothofusintentonthemorningpaper.Tome,bygoodchance,hasfallenthesportingpage;toMargerytheforeign,political,andfinancialintelligenceoftheday.
"What,"saidMargery,"doesitmeanwhenitsays----"Shestoppedandspeltitovertoherselfagain.
Iputdownmypieceofthepaperandpreparedtoexplain.Thedesireforknowledgeintheyoungcannotbetoostronglyencouraged,andIhavealwaysflatteredmyselfthatIcanexplaininperfectlysimplelanguageanythingwhichachildwantstoknow.Forinstance,IoncetoldMargery
what"MiniatureRifleShooting"meant;itwasahead-linewhichshehadcomeacrossinherpaper.Theexplanationtooksometime,owingtoMargery'spreconceivedideathatabirdenteredintoitsomewhere;severaltimes,whenIthoughtthelessonwasover,shesaid,"Well,whataboutthebird?"ButIthinkImadeitplaintoherintheend,thoughmaybeshehasforgottenaboutitnow.
"What,"saidMargery,"doesitmeanwhenitsays'HomeRailsFirm'?"
Itookupmypaperagain.TheCambridgefifteen,Iwasgladtosee,wererapidlydevelopingintoafirst-classteam,and----
"'HomeRailsFirm,'"repeatedMargery,andlookedupatme.
Mymindworkedrapidly,asitalwaysdoesinacrisis.
"Whatdidyousay?"Iaskedinsurprise.
"Whatdoes'HomeRailsFirm'mean?"
"Wheredoesitsaythat?"Iwenton,stillthinkingatlightningspeed.
"There.Itsaidityesterdaytoo."
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"Ah,yes."Imadeupmymind."Well,that,"Isaid--"Ithinkthatissomethingyoumustaskyourfather."
"Ididaskhimyesterday."
"Well,then----"
"HetoldmetoaskMummy."
Coward!
"Youcanbesure,"Isaidfirmly,"thatwhatMummytoldyouwouldberight,"andIreturnedtomypaper.
"Mummytoldmetowaittillyoucame."
Really,theseparents!Thewaytheyshirktheirresponsibilitiesnowadaysisdisgusting.
"'HomeRailsFirm,'"saidMargery,andsettledherselftolisten.
Itisgoodthatchildrenshouldbeencouragedtotakeaninterestintheaffairsoftheday,butIdothinkthatalittlegirlmightbetaughtby
herfather(orifmoreconvenient,mother)whichpartofanewspapertoread.HadMargeryaskedmethedifferencebetweenabunkerandabanker,hadshedemandedanexplanationof"ultimatum"or"guillotine,"Icouldhavedonesomethingwithit;buttoletachildofsixfillherheadwithideasastothefirmnessorotherwiseofHomeRailsishardlynice.However,anexplanationhadtobegiven.
"Well,it'slikethis,Margery,"Isaidatlast."Supposing--well,yousee,supposing--thatistosay,ifI----"andthenIstopped.Ihadasortoffeeling--intuition,theycallit--thatIwasbeginninginthewrongway.
"Goon,"saidMargery.
"PerhapsIhadbetterputitthisway.Supposingyouwereto----Well,we'dbetterbeginfurtherbackthanthat.Youknowwhat----No,Idon'tsupposeyoudoknowthat.Well,ifI--thatistosay,whenaman--youknow,it'sratherdifficulttoexplainthis,Margery."
"Areyouexplainingitnow?"
"I'mjustgoingtobegin."
"Thankyou,Uncle."
Ilitmypipeslowly,whileIconsideredagainhowbesttoapproachthe
matter.
"'HomeRailsFirm,'"saidMargery."Isn'titafunnythingtosay?"
Itwas.Itwasaverysillythingtosay.Whoeversaiditfirstmighthaveknownwhatitwouldleadto.
"PerhapsIcanexplainitbestlikethis,Margery,"Isaid,beginningonanewtack."Isupposeyouknowwhat'firm'means?"
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"Whatdoesitmean?"
"Ah,well,ifyoudon'tknowthat,"Isaid,ratherpleased,"perhapsIhadbetterexplainthatfirst.'Firm'meansthat--thatistosay,youcallathingfirmifit--well,ifitdoesn't--thatistosay,athingisfirmifitcan'tmove."
"Likeahouse?"
"Well,somethinglikethat.Thischair,forinstance,"andIputmyhandonherchair,"isfirmbecauseyoucan'tshakeit.Yousee,it'squite----Hallo,what'sthat?"
"Oh,youbadUncle,you'veknockedthecastoroffagain,"criedMargery,greatlyexcitedattheincident.
"Thisistoomuch,"Isaidbitterly."Eventhefurnitureisagainstme."
"Goonexplaining,"saidMargery,rockingherselfinthenowwobblychair.
Idecidedtoleave"firm."Itisnotaneasywordtoexplainatthebestoftimes,andwheneverythingyoutouchgoesandbreaksitselfitbecomesperfectlyimpossible.
"Well,somuchforthat,"Isaid."Andnowwecometo'rails.'Youknowwhatrailsare?"
"LikeI'vegotinthenursery?"
Thiswassplendid.Ihadforgottentheseforthemoment.
"Exactly.Therailsyourtraingoeson.Wellthen,'HomeRails'wouldberailsathome."
"Well,I'vegotthemathome,"saidMargeryinsurprise."Icouldn'thavethemanywhereelse."
"Quiteso.Then'HomeRailsFirm'wouldmeanthat--er--homerailswere--er--firm."
"Butminearen't,becausetheywobble.Youknowtheydo."
"Yes,but----"
"Well,whydotheysay'HomeRailsFirm'whentheymean'HomeRailsWobble'?"
"Ah,that'sjustit.Thepointisthatwhentheysay'HomeRailsFirm,'theydon'tmeanthattherailsthemselvesarefirm.Infact,they
don'tmeanatallwhatyouthinktheymean.Theymeansomethingquitedifferent."
"Whatdotheymean?"
"Iamjustgoingtoexplain,"Isaidstiffly.
.....
"OrperhapsIhadbetterputitthisway,"Isaidtenminuteslater.
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"Supposing----Oh,Margery,itisdifficulttoexplain."
"Imustknow,"saidMargery.
"Whydoyouwanttoknowsobadly?"
"Iwanttoknowamillionmilliontimesmorethananythingelseinthewholeworld."
"Why?"
"SoasIcantellAngela,"saidMargery.
Iplungedintomyexplanationagain.Angelaisthree,andIcanquiteseehowimportantitisthatsheshouldbesoundonthequestion.
THEKING'SSONS
"Tellmeastory,"saidMargery.
"Whatsortofastory?""Afairystory,becauseit'sChristmas-time."
"Butyouknowallthefairystories."
"Thentellmeanewfairystory."
"Right,"Isaid.
OnceuponatimetherewasaKingwhohadthreesons.Theeldestsonwasaverythoughtfulyouth.Healwayshadareasonforeverythinghedid,andsometimeshewouldsaythingslike"Economicallyitistothe
advantageoftheStatethat----"or"Thecivicinterestsofthecommunitydemandthat----"beforedoingsomethingspeciallyhorrid.Hedidn'twanttobeunkindtoanybody,buthetookwhathecalleda"largeview"ofthings;andifyouhappenedtoaskforathirdhelpofplum-puddinghetookthelargeviewthatyouwouldbesorryaboutitnextmorning--andsoyoudidn'thaveyourplum-pudding.HewascalledPrinceProper.
Thesecondsonwasaverywiseyouth.Youcouldn'tcatchhimanyhow.Ifyouaskedhimwhetherheknewthestoryofthethreewells,or"Whydoesachickencrosstheroad?"oranythingreallyamusinglikethat,hewouldalwayssay,"Oh,Iheardthatyearsago!"--andwheneveryoubegan"AdamandEveandPinchme"hewouldpinchyouatoncewithout
waitinglikeagentlemanuntilyouhadgottotheendoftheverse.HewascalledPrinceClever.
Andthethirdsonwasjustwonderfullybeautiful.Hehadthemostmarvellouslypinkcheeksandlonggoldenhairthatyouhaveeverseen.Idon'tmuchcareforthatstylemyself,butinthecountryinwhichheliveditwasadmiredmorethanIcantellyou.HewascalledPrinceGoldenlocks.I'llgiveyouthreeguesseswhy.
NowtheKinghadreignedalongtime,solongthathewastiredofbeing
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king,andheoftenusedtowonderwhichofhissonsoughttosucceedhim.Ofcourse,nowadaystheyneverwonder,andtheeldestsonbecomeskingatonce,andquiterighttoo;butinthosedaysitwasgenerallylefttothesonstoprovewhichamongthemselveswasthemostworthy.SometimestheywouldallbesentouttofindthemagicDragon'sTooth,andonlyonewouldcomebackalive,whichwouldsavealotoftrouble;orelse,afteralotofdiscussion,theywouldbetoldtogoandfindbeautifulPrincessesforthemselves,andtheonewhichbroughtbackthemostbeautifulPrincess--butveryoftenthatwouldleadtoanotherdiscussion.ThebestwayofallwastocallinaFairytohelp.AFairyhasallsortsoftricksforfindingoutaboutyou,andherfavouriteplanistopretendtobesomethingelseandseewhatyoudo.
SotheKingcalledinaFairyandsaid,"To-morrowIamsendingoutmythreesonsintotheworldtoseektheirfortune.Iwantyoutotestthemformeandfindoutwhichisthemostfittedtosucceedtomythrone.IfitshouldhappentobePrinceGoldenlocks--but,ofcourse,Idon'twanttoinfluenceyouinanyway."
"Leaveittome,"saidtheFairy."Youagree,nodoubt,thatthequalitymostdesirableinakingisloveandkindliness----"
"Y-yes,"saidtheKingdoubtfully.
"Iwassureofit.Well,Ihaveawayofputtingthisqualitytothetestwhichhasneveryetfailed."Andwiththatshevanished.Shecouldhavegoneoutatthedoorquiteeasily,butshepreferredtovanish.
Iexpectyouknowwhatherwaywas.Youhavereadaboutitofteninyourfairybooks.Onthenextday,asPrinceProperwascomingalongtheroad,sheappearedsuddenlyinfrontofhimintheshapeofapooroldwoman.
"Pleasegivemesomethingtobuyacrustofbread,prettygentleman,"shepleaded."I'mstarving."
PrinceProperlookedathersternly.
"Economically,"hesaid,"itistotheadvantageoftheStatethatthesubmergedclassesshouldbeachargeontheStateitselfandnotonindividuals.Thecivicinterestsofthecommunitydemandthatpromiscuouscharityshouldbesternlydiscouraged.Surelyyouseethatforyourself?"
TheFairydidn'tquite.Thelanguagehadtakenherbysurprise.Inallherpreviousadventuresofthiskind,twooftheyoungPrinceshadrefusedherroughly,andthethirdhadsharedhislastpieceofbreadwithher.Thisadventurewasgoingallwrong.
"Letmeexplainittoyoumorefully,"wentonProper,andforanhour
andtwenty-sevenminuteshedidso.Thenhewentonhisway,leavingadazedFairybehindhim.
ByandbyPrinceClevercamealong.Suddenlyhesawapooroldwomaninfrontofhim.
"Pleasegivemesomethingtobuyacrustofbread,"shepleaded."I'mstarving."
PrinceCleverburstintoaroaroflaughter.
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"Youdon'tcatchme,"hesaid."I'vereadaboutthisahundredtimes.You'renotanoldwomanatall;you'reaFairy."
"W-whatdoyoumean?"shestammered.
"ThisisasillytestofFather's.Well,youcantellhimhe'sgotonesonwho'scleverenoughtoseethroughhim."Andhewentonhisway.
ByandbyPrinceGoldenlockscamealong.Ineednotsaythathedidallthatyouwouldexpectofathirdandyoungestsonwhohadpinkcheeks,longgoldenhair,and(asIoughttohavesaidbefore)averylovingnature.Hesharedhislastpieceofbreadwiththepooroldwoman....
(Surelyhewillgetthethrone!)
ButtheFairywasanhonestFairy.ShedidunderstandProper'spointofview;shehadtoadmitthat,ifCleversawthroughherdeception,itwashonourableofhimtohavesaidso.Andthough,ofcourse,herlovingheartwasallforPrinceGoldenlocks,shefeltthatitwouldnotbefairtoawardthethronetohimwithoutafurthertrial.Soshedidanotherthingthatshewasveryfondofdoing.Shechangedherselfintoaprettylittledoveand--rightinfrontofPrinceProper--sheflewwithahawkinpursuitofher."Nowweshallsee,"shesaidtoherself,"whichof
thethreeyouthshasthesoftestheart."YoucanguesswhatPropersaid.
"Life,"hesaid,"isoneconstantbattle.Nature,"hesaid,"isruthless,andtheweakestmustgotothewall.IfIkillthehawk,"hesaid,"Iamkindtothedove,butamI,"hesaid,andIthinktherewasagooddealinthis--"amIkindtothecaterpillarorwhateveritisthatthedoveeats?"Ofcourse,youknow,thereisthattobethoughtof.Anyhow,aftersoliloquizingforforty-sevenminutesPrinceProperwentonhisway;andbyandbyPrinceClevercamealong.
YoucanguesswhatCleversaid.
"Mywhiskers!"hesaid,"thisisolderthanthelast.Iknewthisinmycradle."WithoneofthosenastysarcasticlaughsthatIhatesomuchhewentonhisway;andbyandbyPrinceGoldenlockscamealong.
(Nowthen,Goldenlocks,thethroneisalmostyours!)
YoucanguesswhatGoldenlockssaid.
"Poorlittledove,"hesaid."ButIcansaveitslife."
Rapidlyhefittedanarrowtohisbowandwithcarefulaimletflyatthepursuinghawk....
IsayagainthatPrinceGoldenlockswasthemostbeautifulyouthyouhaveeverseeninyourlife,andhehadaverylovingnature.Buthewasapoorshot.
Hehitthedove....
"Isthatall?"saidMargery.
"That'sall,"Isaid."Goodnight."
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DISAPPOINTMENT
MyyoungfriendBobby(nowintheearlythirteens)hasbeenmakinghisplansfortheChristmasholidays.Hecommunicatedthemtomeinaletterfromschool:--
"IamgoingtowriteanoperaintheholidayswithaboycalledShort,averygreatandconfidentfriendofminehere.IamdoingthewordsandShortisdoingthemusic.Wehavealreadygotthetitle;itiscalled'Disappointment.'"
Lastweek,onhisreturntotown,hecametoseemeatmyclub,andwhenthewaiterhadbroughtindrinks,andBobbyhadrefusedacigar,Ilightedupandpreparedtotalkshop.HisrecentdiscoverythatIwritetooleadshimtotreatmewithmorerespectthanformerly.
"Nowthen,"Isaid,"tellmeaboutit.How'sitgoingon?"
"Oo,Ihaven'tdonemuchyet,"saidBobby."ButI'vegottheplot."
"Let'shaveit."
Bobbyunfoldeditrapidly.
"Well,yousee,there'sachapcalledTommy--he'sthehero--andhe'sjustcomebackfromOxford,andhe'sawfullygood-lookinganddecentandallthat,andhe'sinlovewithFelicia,yousee,andthere'sanotherchapcalledReynolds,and,yousee,Felicia'sreallythesameasPhyllis,who'sgoingtomarrySamuel,andthat'sthedisappointment,becauseTommywantstomarryher,yousee."
"Isee.Thatoughttobeallright.Youcouldalmostgettwooperasout
ofthat."
"Oo,doyouthinkso?"
"Well,itdependshowmuchReynoldscomesin.Youdidn'ttellmewhathappenedtohim.Doeshemarryanybody?"
"Oo,no.HecomesinbecauseIwantsomebodytotelltheaudienceaboutTommywhenTommyisn'tthere."
(HowwellBobbyhascaughtthedramaticidea.)
"Isee.Heoughttobeveryuseful."
"Yousee,theFirstAct'sinaverygrandrestaurant,andTommycomesintohavedinner,andheexplainstoReynoldshowhemetFeliciaonaboat,andshe'dlostherumbrella,andhesaid,'Isthisyourumbrella?'anditwas,andtheybegantotalktoeachother,andthenhewasinlovewithher.Andthenhegoesout,andthenReynoldstellstheaudiencewhatanawfullydecentchapTommyis."
"Whydoeshegoout?"
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"Well,yousee,Reynoldscouldn'ttelleverybodywhatanawfullydecentchapTommyisifTommywasthere."
(Ofcoursehecouldn't.)
"Andwhere'sFeliciaallthistime?"
"Oo,shedoesn'tcomeon:She'sinthecountrywithSamuel.Yousee,theSecondActisagrandcountrywedding,andSamuelandPhyllisaremarried,andTommyisoneoftheguests,andhe'sveryunhappy,buthetriesnottoshowit,andheshootshimself."
"Reynoldsistheretoo,Isuppose?"
"Oo,Idon'tknowyet."
(He'llhavetobe,ofcourse.He'llbewantedtotelltheaudiencehowunhappyTommyis.)
"Andhowdoesitend?"Iasked.
"Well,yousee,whenthewedding'sover,TommysingsasongaboutFelicia,anditendsup,'Felicia,Felicia,Felicia,'gettinghighereachtime--Shorthastodothatpart,ofcourse,butI'vetoldhim
aboutit--andthenthecurtaincomesdown.""Isee.AndhasShortwrittenanyofthemusicyet?"
"He'sgotsomeofthenotes.Yousee,I'veonlyjustgottheplot,andI'vewrittenabouttwopages.I'mwritingitinanexercise-book."
Ashadowpassedsuddenlyacrosstheauthor'sbrow.
"Andthesickeningthing,"hesaid,asheleantbackinhischairandsippedhisginger-beer,"isthatonthecoverofitI'vespeltDisappointmentwithtwo's's.'"
(Thetroublesofthisliterarylife!)
"Sickening,"Iagreed.
.....
Ifthereisoneformoftheftutterlyunforgivableitisthetheftbyawriterofanotherwriter'sundevelopedideas.BorrowtheplotofSirJ.M.Barrie'slastplay,andyoudohimnoharm;youonlywriteyourselfdownaplagiarist.Butlistentothescenarioofhisnextplay(ifheiskindenoughtoreadittoyou)andwriteitupbeforehehastimetodevelopithimself,andyoudohimagrievouswrong;foryoufixthechargeofplagiarismonhim.Surely,yousay,noauthorcouldsinkso
lowasthis.
Andyet,whenIgothome,theplotof"Disappointment"(withone"s")sotookholdofmethatIdidtheunforgivablething;Iwenttomydeskandwrotetheopera.Imakenoexcusesformyself.IonlypointoutthatBobby'sopera,asperformedatCoventGardeninItalian,withShort'smusicconductedbyRichter,isnotlikelytobebelittledbyanythingthatImaywritehere.IhaveonlywritteninorderthatImaygetthescenario--whichhadbeguntohauntme--offmychest.Bobby,Iknow,willunderstandandforgive;ShortIhavenotyethadthepleasureof
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meeting,butIbelieveheissmallerthanBobby.
ACTI.
SCENE--Agrandrestaurant.EnterTommy,averyhandsomeman,justbackfromOxford.
Tommysings:
Felicia,Iloveyou,ByallthestarsaboveyouIswearyoushallbemine!--AndnowI'mgoingtodine.
[Hesitsdownandordersabottleofginger-beerandsomemeringues.
Waiter.Yourdinner,Sir.
Tommy.Thankyou.AndwouldyouaskMr.Reynoldstocomein,ifyouseehim?(Totheaudience)AweekagoIwascrossingtheChannel--(enterReynolds)--Oh,hereyouare,Reynolds!IwasjustsayingthataweekagoIwascrossingtheChannelwhenIsawthemostbeautifulgirlIhaveeverseenwhohadlostherumbrella.I
said,"Excuseme,butisthisyourumbrella?"Shesaid,"Yes."Reynolds,Isatdownandfellinlovewithher.HernamewasFelicia.AndnowImustgoandseeaboutsomething.[Exit.
Reynolds.PoorTommy!Anawfullydecentchapifevertherewasone.ButhewillnevermarryFelicia,becauseIhappentoknowherrealnameisPhyllis,andsheisengagedtoSamuel.
(Recitative.)
SheisengagedtoSamuel.PoorTommy,Hedoesnotknowshe'sfondofSamuel.Hewillbedisappointedwhenheknows.
CURTAIN.
ACTII.
SCENE--Abeautifulcountrywedding.
Tommy(inpewnearestdoor,toReynolds).Who'sthebride?
Reynolds.Phyllis.She'smarryingSamuel.
EnterBride.
Tommy.Heavens,it'sFelicia!
Reynolds(toaudience).PoorTommy!Howdisappointedhemustbe!(Aloud)Yes,FeliciaandPhyllisarereallythesamegirl.She'sengagedtoSamuel.
Tommy.ThenIcannotmarryher!
Reynolds.No.
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Tommysings:
Good-bye,Felicia,good-bye,I'mawfullydisappointed,IAmnow,infact,abouttodie,Felicia,Felicia,Felicia!
[Shootshimself.
CURTAIN.
.....
ThatishowIseeit.ButnodoubtBobbyandShort,whentheyreallygettowork,willmakesomethingbetterofit.Itisanengagingtheme,but,ofcourse,thetitlewantstobespeltproperly.
AMONGTHEANIMALS
Jeremywaslookingatacardwhichhiswifehadjustpassedacrossthetabletohim.
"'LadyBendish.AtHome,'"heread."'Pets.'Isthisforus?"
"Ofcourse,"saidMrs.Jeremy.
"ThenIthink'Pets'isratherfamiliar.'Mr.andMrs.J.P.Smith'wouldhavebeenmorecorrect."
"Don'tbesilly,Jeremy.Itmeansit'saPetparty.Youhavetobringsomesortofpetwithyou,andthereareprizesfortheprettiest,andthemostintelligent,andthemostcompanionable,andsoon."Shelooked
atthefox-terriercurledupinfrontofthefire-place."WecouldtakeRags,ofcourse."
"OrBaby,"saidJeremy."We'llenterherintheFatClass."
ButwhenthedayarrivedJeremyhadanotheridea.Hecameinfromthegardenwithanimportantlookonhisface,andjoinedhiswifeinthehall.
"Comeon,"hesaid."Let'sstart."
"Butwhere'sRags?"
"Ragsisn'tcoming.I'mtakingHerewardinstead."Heopenedhiscigarette-caseanddisclosedasmallgreenanimal."Hereward,"hesaid.
"Why,Jeremy,"criedhiswife,"it's--why,it'sblightfromtherose-tree!"
"Itisn'tjustblight,dear;it'soneparticularblight.Ablight.Hereward,theLastoftheBlights."Hewanderedroundthehall."Where'sthelead?"heasked.
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"Jeremy,don'tbeabsurd."
"Mydear,Imusthavesomethingtoleadhimupforhisprizeon.Duringtheparadehecansitonmyshoulderinformally,butwhenwecometotheprize-giving,'Mr.J.P.Smith'sblight,Hereward,'mustbeledonproperly."Hepulledopenadrawer."Oh,hereweare.I'dbettertakethechain;hemightbitethroughtheleatherone."
Theyarrivedalittlelate,tofindalawnfullofpeopleandanimals;andoneglancewassufficienttotellJeremythatinsomeoftheclassesatleasthispetwouldhavemanydangerousrivals.
"Ifthere'saprizeforthebiggest,"hesaidtohiswife,"myblighthaspracticallylostitalready.Adamshasbroughtacart-horse.Hullo,Adams,"hewenton,"howareyou?Don'tcometoocloseorHerewardmaydoyouranimalamischief."
"Who'sHereward?"
Jeremyopenedhiscigarette-case.
"Hereward,"hesaid."Notthewoodbine;that'squitewild.Theblight.He'smuchmoredomesticated,buttherearemomentswhenhegetsoutofhandandbecomesunmanageable.Hegavemetheslipcominghere,andI
hadtochasehimthroughthechurchyard;that'swhywe'relate.""Doeshetakemealswiththefamily?"askedAdamswithagrin.
"No,no;hehasthemaloneinthegarden.Yououghttoseehimhavinghisbath.George,ourgardener,looksafterhim.Georgegiveshimaspecialbathofsoapywatereveryday.Herewardsimplylovesit.Georgesquirtsonhim,andHerewardliesonhisbackandkickshislegsintheair.It'sreallyquiteprettytowatchthem."
HenoddedtoAdams,andwanderedthroughthecrowdwithMrs.Jeremy.Thecollectionofanimalswasremarkable;theyvariedinsizefromAdams'scart-horsetoJeremy'sblight;inplayfulnessfromtheVicar'skitten
toMissTrehearne'schrysalis;andinabilityforperformingtricksfromtheMajor'spoodletoDr.Bunton'seggoftheCabbageWhite.
"Thereoughttobearaceforthemall,"saidMrs.Jeremy."Ahandicap,ofcourse."
"Herewardisveryfastoverashortdistance,"saidJeremy,"buthewantsencouragement.Ifheweregivenninety-nineyards,twofeet,andeleveninchesinahundred,andyouweretostandinfrontofhimwithaWilliamAllanRichardson,Ithinkwemightpullitoff.But,ofcourse,he'sabadstarter.Hullo,there'sMissBendish."
MissBendish,hurryingalong,gavethemawordasshewentpast.
"They'regoingtohavetheinspectiondirectly,"shesaid,"andgivetheprizes.Isyouranimalquiteready?"
"Ishouldliketobrushhimupabit,"saidJeremy."IsthereatentoranywherewhereIcouldpreparehim?Hiseyebrowsgetsomattedifhe'slefttohimselfforlong."Hetookoutacigaretteandlitit.
"There'satent,butyou'llhavetohurryup."
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"Oh,well,itdoesn'treallymatter,"saidJeremy,ashewalkedalongwithher."Hereward'snaturalbeautyandagilitywilltakehimthrough."
Onthesouthlawnthepetsandtheirownerswereassembling.Jeremytooktheleashoutofhispocketandopenedhiscigarette-case.
"Goodheavens!"hecried."Herewardhasescaped!Quick!Shutthegates!"HesawAdamsnearandhurrieduptohim."Myblighthasescaped,"hesaidbreathlessly,holdingupthenowuselessleash."Hegnawedthroughthechainandgotaway.I'mafraidhemayberunningamokamongtheguests.SupposingheweretoleapuponSirThomasfrombehindandsavagehim--it'stooterrible."Hemovedanxiouslyon."Haveyouseenmyblight?"heaskedMissTrehearne."Hehasescaped,andweareratheranxious.IfheweretogettheVicardownandbegintoworryhim----"Hemurmuredsomethingabout"oncegettingthetasteforblood"andhurriedoff.Theguestswereassembled,andthejudgeswalkeddownthelineandinspectedtheirdifferentanimals.TheywerealmostattheendofitwhenJeremysprintedupandtookhisplacebythelastbeast.
"It'sallright,"hepantedtohiswife,"I'vegothim.Sillyofmetomislayhim,buthe'ssoconfoundedlyshy."Heheldouthisfingerasthejudgesapproached,andintroducedthemtothesmallgreenpetperchingontheknuckle."Ablight,"hesaid."Hereward,theChiefBlight.Beeninthefamilyforyears.Adearoldfriend."
Jeremywenthomeaproudman."Mr.J.P.Smith'sblight,Hereward,"hadtakenfirstprizeintheAll-roundclass.
.....
"Yes,"headmittedtohiswifeatdinner,"thereissomethingonmymind."Helookedatthehandsomecigarette-boxonthetableinfrontofhimandsighed.
"Whatisit,dear?Youenjoyedyourselfthisafternoon,youknowyoudid,andHerewardwonyouthatbeautifulcigarette-box.Yououghttobeproud."
"That'sthetrouble.Herewarddidn'twinit."
"Buttheysaid--theyreaditout,and----"
"Yes,buttheydidn'tknow.ItwasreallyElspethwhowonit."
"Elspeth?"
"Yes,dear."Jeremysighedagain."WhenHerewardescapedandIwentbackforhim,Ididn'tfindhimasI--er--pretended.SoIwenttotherosegardenand--andborrowedElspeth.Fortunatelynoonenoticeditwasaladyblight...theyalltookitforHereward....Butitwasreally
Elspeth--andbelongedtoLadyBendish."
Hehelpedhimselftoacigarettefromthebox.
"It'saninterestingpoint,"hesaid."Ishallgoandconfessto-morrowtoSirThomas,andseewhathethinksaboutit.Ifhewantstheboxback,wellandgood."
Herefilledhisglass.
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"Afterall,"hesaid,"therealblowislosingHereward.Elspeth--Elspethisverydeartome,butshecanneverbequitethesame."
ATRAGEDYOFTHESEA
WilliamBales--asniceayoungmanaseverworeacummerbundonanesplanade--wasindespair.ForhalfanhourheandMissSpratthadbeensittinginsilenceonthepier,anditwasstillWilliam'sturntosaysomething.MissSpratt'slastremarkhadbeen,"Oh,Mr.Bales,youdosaythings!"andWilliamfeltthathisnextobservationmustatallcostsliveuptothestandardsetforit.Threeorfourtimeshehadopenedhismouthtospeak,andthenonsecondthoughtshadrejectedtheintendedutteranceasunworthy.Attheendofhalfanhourhismindwasstillworkingfruitlessly.Heknewthatthelongerhewaitedthemorebrillianthewouldhavetobe,andhetoldhimselfthatevenBernardShaworoneofthosecleverwritingfellowswouldhavebeenhardputtoitnow.
Williamwasatoddswiththeworld.Hewasaromanticyoungmanwhohad
oncebeentoldthathenearlylookedlikeLewisWallerwhenhefrowned,andhehadresolvedthathisholidaythisyearshouldbeaverydashingaffairindeed.Hehadchosentheseainthehopesthatsomeoldgentlemanwouldfalloffthepierandlethimselfbesavedby--and,lateron,photographedwith--WilliamBales,whoinasubsequentinterviewwouldmodestlyrefusetotakeanycreditforthegallantrescue.Ashisholidayhadprogressedhehadfelttheneedforsomesucholdgentlemanmoreandmore;foronlythus,herealised,couldhecapturetheheartofthewaywardMissSpratt.Butsofarithadbeenadullseason;inawholefortnightnobodyhadgoneoutofhiswaytoobligeWilliam,andto-morrowhemustreturntotheCityasunknownandasunlovedaswhenheleftit.
"Gottogobackto-morrow,"hesaidatlast.Asanimpromptuitwouldhaveserved,butastheresultofhalfanhour'searnestthoughthefeltthatitdidnotdohimjustice.
"Soyousaidbefore,"remarkedMissSpratt.
"Well,it'sstilltrue."
"Talkingaboutitwon'thelpit,"saidMissSpratt.
Williamsighedandlookedroundthepier.Therewasanoldgentlemanfishingattheendofit,hisbackturnedinvitinglytoWilliam.Inhalfanhourhehadcaughtonesmallfish(whichhehadhadtoreturnas
undertheagelimit)andabunchofseaweed.Williamfeltthattherewasawastedlife;alife,however,whichasuddenkickandaheroicrescuebyW.Balesmightyetdosomethingtojustify.AtthePaddingtonBaths,amonthago,hehadwonaplate-divingcompetition;andthoughthereisadifferencebetweendivingforplatesanddivingforoldgentlemenhewaspreparedtowaiveit.Onekickandthen...Fame!And,notonlyFame,buttheadmirationofAngelinaSpratt.
Itwasperhapsaswellfortheoldgentleman--whowasreallyquiteworthy,andanhourlatercaughtafull-sizedwhiting--thatMissSpratt
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spokeatthismoment.
"Well,you'regoodcompany,Imustsay,"sheobservedtoWilliam.
"It'ssohot,"saidWilliam.
"Youcan'tsayIaskedtocomehere."
"Let'sgoonthebeach,"saidWilliamdesperately."Wecanfindashadycaveorsomething."Fatewasagainsthim;therewastobenorescuethatday.
"I'msureI'magreeable,"saidMissSpratt.
Theywalkedinsilencealongthebeach,and,roundingacornerofthecliffs,theycamepresentlytoacave.InearlierdaysW.Balescouldhavedonedesperatedeedsagainstsmugglersthere,withMissSprattlookingon.Alasforthisunromanticage!Itwasnowaplaceforpicnics,andacrumpledsheetofnewspaperonthesandshowedthattherehadbeenonetherethatveryafternoon.
Theysatinacornerofthecave,outofthesun,outofsightofthesea,andWilliampreparedtorenewhiseffortsasaconversationalist.InthehopeofcollectingafewideasastowhattheLondonclubswere
talkingabouthepickedupthediscardednewspaper,andsawwithdisgustthatitwasthelocalHerald.Butjustashethrewitdown,alineinitcaughthiseyeandremainedinhismind:
"Hightideto-day--3.30."
William'sheartleapt.Helookedathiswatch;itwas2.30.Inonehourthewaveswouldbedashingremorselesslyintothecave,wouldbeleapingupthecliff,whattimeheandMissSpratt----
Supposetheywerecaughtbythetide....
Meanwhilethelady,despairingofentertainment,hadremovedherhat.
"Really,"shesaid,"I'mthatsleepy----Isupposethetide'ssafe,Mr.Bales?"
ItwasWilliam'schance.
"Quite,quitesafe,"hesaidearnestly."It'sgoingdownhard."
"Wellthen,Ialmostthink----"Sheclosedhereyes."Wakemeupwhenyou'vethoughtofsomethingreallyfunny,Mr.Bales."
WilliamwasleftalonewithRomance.
Hewentoutofthecaveandlookedround.Theseawasstillsomewayout,butitcameupquicklyonthiscoast.Inanhour...inanhour....
Hescannedthecliffs,andsawtheledgewhitherhewoulddragher.Shewouldclingtohimcrying,callinghimherrescuer....
Whatshouldhedothen?Shouldheleaveherandswimforhelp?Orshouldhescalethemightycliff?
Hereturnedtothecaveand,gazingromanticallyatthesleepingMiss
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Spratt,conjuredupthescene.Itwouldgolikethis,hethought.
MissSpratt(wakenedbythespraydashingoverherface).Oh,Mr.Bales!We'recutoffbythetide!Saveme!
W.Bales(lightly).Tut-tut,there'snodanger.It'snothing.(Aside)GreatHeavens!Deathstaresusintheface!
MissSpratt(throwingherarmsaroundhisneck).William,saveme;Icannotswim!
W.Bales(withWallerface).Trustme,Angelina.Iwillfightmywayroundyonpointandobtainhelp.(Aside)AnEnglishmancanonlydieonce.
MissSpratt.Don'tleaveme!
W.Bales.Fearnot,sweetheart.See,thereisaledgewhereyouwillbebeyondthereachofthehungrytide.Iwillcarryyouthitherinmyarmsandwillthen----
Atthispointinhisday-dreamWilliamtookanotherlookatthesleepingMissSpratt,felthisbicepsdoubtfully,andwenton----
W.Bales.Iwillhelpyoutoclimbthither,andwillthenswimforhelp.
MissSpratt.Myhero!
AgainandagainWilliamreviewedthescenetohimself.Itwasperfect.Hisphotographwouldbeinthepapers;MissSprattwouldworshiphim;hewouldbeaheroinhisCityoffice.Theactualdangerwasslight,forattheworstshecouldshelterinthefarendofthecave;buthewouldnotletherknowthis.Hewoulddothethingheroically--draghertotheledgeonthecliff,andthenswimroundthepointtoobtainhelp.
Thethoughtstruckhimthathecouldconductthescenebetterinhis
shirt-sleeves.Heremovedhiscoat,andthenwentoutofthecavetoreconnoitretheledge.
.....
MissSprattawokewithastartandlookedatherwatch.Itwas4.15.Thecavewasemptysaveforacrumpledpageofnewspaper.SheglancedatthisidlyandsawthatitwasthelocalHerald...eightdaysold.
FarawayonthehorizonWilliamBaleswasthrowingstonesbitterlyatthestillretreatingsea.
OLDFRIENDS
"Itwasveryniceofyoutoinvitemetogiveyoulunch,"Isaid,"andifonlythewaiterwouldbringthetoastIshouldbeperfectlyhappy.Ican'tsaymore."
"Whynot?"saidMissMiddleton,lookingup."Oh,Isee."
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"Andnow,"Isaid,whenIhadfinishedmybusinesswithasardine,"tellmeallaboutit.IknowsomethingseriousmusthavebroughtyouuptoLondon.Whatisit?Haveyourunawayfromhome?"
MissMiddletonnodded."SirHenery,"sheaddeddramatically,"waitsformeinhisyachtatDover.Myparentswouldnothearofthemarriage,andimmuredmeinthespareroom.Theytriedtoturnmeagainstmylove,andtoldwickedstoriesabouthim,vowingthathesmokedfivenon-throatcigarettesinaday.Er--wouldyoupassthepepper,please?"
"Goon,"Ibegged."Nevermindthepepper."
"But,ofcourse,Ireallycametoseeyou,"saidMissMiddletonbriskly."Iwantyoutodosomethingforme."
"Iknewit."
"Oh,dosayyou'dloveto."
Idrainedmyglassandfeltverybrave.
"I'dloveto,"Isaiddoubtfully."Atleast,ifIweresurethat----"Iloweredmyvoice:"Lookhere--haveIgottowritetoanybody?"
"No,"saidMissMiddleton.
"Letmeknowtheworst.HaveI--er--haveIgottogiveadvicetoanybody?"
"No."
Therewasoneotherpointthathadtobesettled.Ileantacrossthetableanxiously.
"HaveIgottoringanybodyuponthetelephone?"Iaskedinahoarsewhisper.
"Oh,nothinglikethatatall,"saidMissMiddleton.
"Dashit,"Icried,"thenofcourseI'lldoanythingforyou.Whatisit?Somebodyyouwantkilled?Icouldkillamayorto-day."
MissMiddletonwassilentforamomentwhileallowingherselftobehelpedtofish.Whenthewaitershadmovedaway,"Wearehavingajumblesale,"sheannounced.
Ishookmyheadather.
"Yourlife,"Isaid,"isoneconstantroundofgaiety."
"AndIthoughtasIwascomingtoLondonI'dmentionittoyou.Becauseyou'realwayssayingyoudon'tknowwhattodowithyouroldthings."
"I'mnotalwayssayingit.Imayhavementioneditonceortwicewhentheconversationwasflagging."
"Well,mentionitnow,andthenI'llmentionmyjumblesale."
Ithoughtitoverforamoment.
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"Itwillmeanbrownpaperandstring,"Isaidhopelessly,"andIdon'tknowwheretogetthem."
"I'llbuysomeafterlunchforyou.YoushallholdmyhandwhileIbuyit."
"AndthenIshouldhavetopostit,andI'mrottenatpostingthings."
"Butyouneedn'tpostit,becauseyoucanmeetmeatthestationwithit,andI'lltakeithome."
"Idon'tthinkit'squiteetiquetteforayounggirltotravelalonewithabigbrown-paperparcel.WhatwouldMrs.Middletonsayifsheknew?"
"Mother?"criedMissMiddleton."But,ofcourse,it'sheridea.Youdidn'tthinkitwasmine?"shesaidreproachfully.
"Theshockofitunnervedmeforamoment.Ofcourse,IseenowthatitisMrs.Middleton'sjumblesaleentirely."Isighedandhelpedmyselftosalt."HowdoIbegin?"
"Youdrivemetomydressmakerandleavemethereandgoontoyour
rooms.Andthenyoucollectafewreallyoldthingsthatyoudon'twantandtiethemupandmeetmeatthe4.40.I'mafraid,"shesaidfrankly,"itisarottenwayofspendinganafternoon;butIpromisedmother."
"I'lldoit,"Isaid.
MyparcelandIarrivedpromptlytotime.MissMiddletondidn't.
"Don'tsayI'vecaughtthewrongtrain,"shesaidbreathlessly,whenatlastsheappeared."Itdoesgoat4.40,doesn'tit?"
"Itdoes,"Isaid,"anditdid."
"Thenmywatchmustbeslow."
"Sendittothejumblesale,"Iadvised."Lookhere--we'vealongtimetowaitforthenexttrain;let'sundressmyparcelinthewaiting-room,andI'llpointoutthethingsthatreallywantwatching.Someareabsolutelyunique."
Itwasanoddcollectionofverydearfriends,MissMiddleton'sfinalreminderhavingbeenthatnothingwastoooldforajumblesale.
"LotOne,"Isaid."Aphotographofmyhousecricketeleven,framedinoak.Veryinteresting.Theladontheextremerightisnowaclergyman."
"Oh,whichisyou?"saidMissMiddletoneagerly.
Iwastoomuchwrappedupinmyparceltoanswer."LotTwo,"Iwenton."Apink-and-whitefootballshirt;wouldworkupintoadressyblouseforadult,orasmartovercoatforchild.LotThree.Aknittedwaistcoat;couldbeusedasbath-mat.LotFour.Pairofbedroomslippersinholes.Thisbitistheslipper;therestisthehole.LotFive.Nowthisissomethingreallygood.TruthfulJane--myfirstprizeatmyKindergarten."
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"Motherisinluck.It'sjustthesortofthingsshewants,"saidMissMiddleton.
"Hertasteisexcellent.LotSix.Apairofoldgreyflanneltrousers.LotSeven.LotSevenforward.Whereareyou?"Ibegantogothroughthethingsagain."Er--I'mafraidLotSevenhasalreadygone."
"WhataboutLotEight?"
"Theredoesn'tseemtobeaLotEighteither.It'sveryfunny;I'msureIstartedwithmorethanthis.Someofthethingsmusthaveeateneachotherontheway."
"Oh,butthisisheaps.Canyoureallysparethemall?"
"IshouldfeelhonouredifMrs.Middletonwouldacceptthem,"Isaidwithabow."Don'tforgettotellherthatinthephotographtheladontheextremeright----"Ipickedupthephotographandexamineditmorecarefully."Isay,Ilookratherjolly,don'tyouthink?IwonderifIhaveanothercopyofthisanywhere."Igazedatitwistfully."Thatwasmyfirstyearforthehouse,youknow."
"Don'tgiveitaway,"saidMissMiddletonsuddenly."Keepit."
"ShallI?Idon'twanttodeprive----Well,IthinkIwillifyoudon'tmind."Myeyeswanderedtotheshirt."I'vehadsomefuninthatinmytime,"Isaidthoughtfully."ThefirsttimeIworeit----"
"Youreallyoughtn'ttogiveawayyouroldcolours,youknow."
"Oh,butifMrs.Middleton,"Ibegandoubtfully--"atleast,don'tyou--what?--oh,allright,perhapsIwon't."Iputtheshirtononesidewiththephotograph,andpickedupthedearoldcomfybedroomslippers.IconsideredthemforaminuteandthenIsigheddeeply.AsIlookedupIcaughtMissMiddleton'seye....Ithinkshehadbeensmiling.
"Abouttheslippers,"shesaidgravely.
.....
"Good-bye,"IsaidtoMissMiddleton."It'sbeenjollytoseeyou."Igraspedmyparcelfirmlyasthetrainbegantomove."I'malwaysgladtohelpMrs.Middleton,andifeverIcandosoagainbesuretoletmeknow."
"Iwill,"saidMissMiddleton.
Thetrainwentoutofthestation,andmyparcelandIlookedaboutforacab.
GETTINGMARRIED
GETTINGMARRIED
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I.--THEDAY
Probablyyouthoughtthatgettingmarriedwasquiteasimplebusiness.SodidI.Wewerebothwrong;itistheverydickens.Ofcourse,Iamnotgoingtodrawbacknow.AsIkeeptellingCelia,herRonaldisamanofpowerfulfibre,andwhenhesayshewilldoathinghedoesit--eventually.Sheshallhaveherweddingallright;Ihaveswornit.ButIdowishthatthereweren'tsomanythingstobearrangedfirst.
ThefactthatwehadtofixadaywasbrokentomeoneafternoonwhenCeliawasshowingmetosomerelativesofhersintheAddisonRoad.Igotentangledwithanelderlycousinonthehearth-rug;andthoughIknownothingaboutmotor-bicyclesItalkedaboutthemforseveralhoursundertheimpressionthattheywerehissubject.Itturnedoutafterwardsthathewasequallyignorantofthem,butthoughttheyweremine.Perhapsweshallgetonbetteratasecondmeeting.However,justwhenwewereboththoroughlysickofeachother,Celiabrokeoffhergaychatwithanaunttosaytome:
"Bytheway,Ronald,wedidsettleontheeleventh,didn'twe?"
Ilookedatherblankly,mymindnaturallyfullofmotor-bicycles.
"Thewedding,"smiledCelia."Right-o,"Isaidwithenthusiasm.IwasgladtobeassuredthatIshouldnotgoontalkingaboutmotor-bicyclesforever,andthatontheeleventh,anyhow,therewouldbeashortinterruptionfortheceremony.Feelingalmostfriendlytothecousin,Iplungedintohisfavouritesubjectagain.
OnthewayhomeCeliareturnedtothematter.
"Oryouwouldratheritwasthetwelfth?"sheasked.
"I'veneverheardawordaboutthisbefore,"Isaid."Itallcomesasa
surprisetome."
"Why,I'malwaysaskingyou."
"Well,it'sveryforwardofyou,andIdon'tknowwhatyoungpeoplearecomingtonowadays.Celia,what'sthegoodofmytalkingtoyourcousinforthreehoursaboutmotor-bicycling?Surelyonecangetmarriedjustaswellwithoutthat?"
"Onecan'tgetmarriedwithoutsettlingtheday,"saidCelia,comingcleverlybacktothepoint.
Well,Isupposeonecan't.ButsomehowIhadexpectedtobesparedall
thisbother.IthinkmyideawasthatCeliawouldsaytomesuddenlyoneevening,"Bytheway,Ronald,don'tforgetwe'rebeingmarriedto-morrow,"andIshouldhavesaid"Where?"Andonbeingtoldthetimeandplace,Ishouldhaveturnedupprettypunctually;andaftermybestmanhadtoldmewheretostand,andtheclergymanhadtoldmewhattosay,andmysolicitorhadtoldmewheretosignmyname,weshouldhavedrivenfromthechurchahappymarriedcouple...andinthecarriageCeliawouldhavetoldmewherewewerespendingthehoneymoon.
However,itwasnottobeso.
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"Allright,theeleventh,"Isaid."Anyparticularmonth?"
"No,"smiledCelia,"justanymonth.Or,ifyoulike,everymonth."
"TheeleventhofJune,"Isurmised."ItisprobablytheonedayintheyearonwhichmyUncleThomascannotcome.Butnomatter.Theeleventhletitbe."
"Thenthat'ssettled.AndatSt.Miriam's?"
ForsomereasonCeliahassetherheartonSt.Miriam's.PersonallyIhavenofeelingaboutit.St.Andrew's-by-the-WardrobeorSt.Bartholomew's-Withoutwouldsuitmeequallywell.
"Allright,"Isaid,"St.Miriam's."
There,youmightsuppose,thematterwouldhaveended;butno.
"Thenyouwillseeaboutitto-morrow?"saidCeliapersuasively.
Iwasappalledattheidea.
"Surely,"Isaid,"thisisforyou,oryourfather,or--orsomebodyto
arrange.""Ofcourseit'sforthebridegroom,"protestedCelia.
"Intheory,perhaps.Butanyhownotthebridegroompersonally.Hisbestman...orhissolicitor...or...Imean,you'renotsuggestingthatImyself----Oh,well,ifyouinsist.Still,ImustsayIdon'tseewhat'sthegoodofhavingabestmanandasolicitorif----Oh,allright,Celia,I'llgoto-morrow."
SoIwent.ForhalfanhourIpaddedroundSt.Miriam'snervously,andthensummoningupallmycourage,Iknockedmypipeoutandentered.
"Iwant,"Isaidjauntilytoasextonorasacristanorsomething--"Iwant--er--awedding."AndIadded,"Fortwo."
Hedidn'tseemasnervousasIwas.HeenquiredquitecalmlywhenIwantedit.
"TheeleventhofJune,"Isaid."It'sprobablytheonedayintheyearonwhichmyUncleThomas----However,thatwouldn'tinterestyou.Thepointisthatit'stheeleventh."
Theclerkconsultedhiswedding-book.ThenhemadethesurprisingannouncementthattheonlydayhecouldoffermeinJunewastheseventeenth.Iwasamazed.
"Iamaveryoldcustomer,"Isaidreproachfully."Imean,Ihaveoftenbeentoyourchurchinmytime.Surely----"
"We'veweddingsfixedonalltheotherdays."
"Yes,yes,butyoucouldpersuadesomebodytochangehisday,couldn'tyou?Orifheisverymuchsetonbeingmarriedontheeleventhyoumightrecommendsomeotherchurchtohim.Idaresayyouknowofsomegoodones.Yousee,Celia--my--thatis,we'reparticularlykeen,for
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somereason,onSt.Miriam's."
Theclerkdidn'tappreciatemysuggestion.Heinsistedthattheseventeenthwastheonlyday.
"Thenwillyouhavetheseventeenth?"heasked.
"Mydearfellow,Ican'tpossiblysayoff-hand,"Iprotested."Iamnotaloneinthis.Ihaveafriendwithme.Iwillgobackandtellherwhatyousay.Shemaydecidetowithdrawherofferaltogether."
IwentbackandtoldCelia.
"Bother,"shesaid."Whatshallwedo?"
"Thereareotherchurches.There'syourown,forexample."
"Yes,butyouknowIdon'tlikethat.Whyshouldn'twebemarriedontheseventeenth?"
"Idon'tknowatall.Itseemsanexcellentday;itletsinmyUncleThomas.Ofcourse,itmayexcludemyUncleWilliam,butonecan'thaveeverything."
"Thenwillyougoandfixitfortheseventeenthto-morrow?""Can'tIsendmysolicitorthistime?"Iasked."Ofcourse,ifyouparticularlywantmetogomyself,Iwill.Butreally,dear,IseemtobelivingatSt.Miriam'snowadays."
Andeventhatwasn'ttheendofthebusiness.For,justasIwasleavingher,CeliabrokeittomethatSt.Miriam'swasneitherinherparishnorinmine,andthat,inordertoqualifyasabridegroom,Ishouldhavetohirearoomsomewherenear.
"ButIamverycomfortablewhereIam,"Iassuredher.
"Youneedn'tlivethere,Ronald.Youonlywanttoleaveahatthere,youknow."
"Oh,verywell,"Isighed.
Shecametothehallwithme;and,havingsaidgood-byetoher,Irepeatedmylesson.
"Theseventeenth,fixitupto-morrow,takearoomnearSt.Miriam's,andleaveahatthere.Good-bye."
"Good-bye....Andoh,Ronald!"ShelookedatmecriticallyasIstoodinthedoorway."Youmightleavethatone,"shesaid.
II.--FURNISHING
"Bytheway,"saidCeliasuddenly,"whathaveyoudoneaboutthefixtures?"
"Nothing,"Irepliedtruthfully.
"Well,wemustdosomethingaboutthem."
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"Yes.Mysolicitor--heshalldosomethingaboutthem.Don'tlet'stalkaboutthemnow.I'veonlygotthreehoursmorewithyou,andthenImustdashbacktomywork."
Imustsaythatanymentionoffixtureshasalwaysboredmeintensely.WhenitwasamatterofgettingahousetoliveinIwasallenergy.AssoonasCeliahadfoundit,Iputmysolicitorontoit;andwithinamonthIhadsignedmynameintwoplaces,andwastheownerofahighlyresidentialflatinthebestpartoftheneighbourhood.ButmyeffortsoexhaustedmethatIhavefeltutterlyunablesincetocopewiththequestionofthecurtain-rodinthebathroomorwhateveritisthatCeliameansbyfixtures.Thesethingswillarrangethemselvessomehow,Ifeelconfident.
Meanwhilethedecoratorsarehardatwork.AthrillofprideinflatesmewhenIthinkofthedecoratorsatwork.Idon'tknowhowtheygotthere;IsupposeImusthaveorderedthem.Celiasaysthatsheorderedthemandchoseallthepapersherself,andthatallIdidwastosaythatthepapersshehadchosenwereverypretty;butthisdoesn'tsoundlikemeintheleast.IamconvincedthatIwasthemanofactionwhenitcametoorderingdecorators.
"Andnow,"saidCeliaoneday,"wecangoandchoosetheelectric-light
fittings.""Celia,"Isaidinadmiration,"you'reawonderfulperson.Ishouldhaveforgottenallaboutthem."
"Why,they'reaboutthemostimportantthingintheflat."
"SomehowIneverregardedanybodyaschoosingthem.Ithoughttheyjustgrewinthewall.Frombulbs."
WhenwegotintotheshopCeliabecamebusinesslikeatonce.
"We'dbetterstartwiththehall,"shetoldtheman.
"Everybodyelsewillhaveto,"Isaid,"sowemayaswell."
"Whatsortofalightdidyouwantthere?"heasked.
"Astrongone,"Isaid;"soastobeabletowatchourguestscarefullywhentheypasstheumbrella-stand."
Celiawavedmeawayandexplainedthatwewantedahanginglantern.Itappearedthatthisshopmadeaspecialitynotsomuchofthevoltageasofthelampsenclosingit.
"Howdoyoulikethat?"askedtheman,pointingtoamagnificentaffair
inbrass.Hewanderedofftoaswitch,andturnediton.
"Dareyouaskhimtheprice?"IaskedCelia."Itlookstomeaboutathousandpounds.Ifitis,saythatyoudon'tlikethestyle.Don'tlethimthinkwecan'taffordit."
"Yes,"saidCelia,inacarelesssortofway."I'mnotsurethatIcareaboutthat.Howmuchisit?"
"Twopounds."
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Iwasnotgoingtoshowmyrelief."Withoutthelight,ofcourse?"Isaiddisparagingly.
"Howdoyouthinkitwouldlookinthehall?"saidCeliatome.
"Ithinkourguestswouldbeencouragedtoproceed.They'dseethatwewereprettygoodpeople."
"Idon'tlikeit.It'stooornate."
"Thenshowussomethinglessornate,"Itoldthemansternly.
Heshowedusthingslessornate.AttheendofanhourCeliasaidshethoughtwe'dbettergetontoanotherroom,andcomebacktothehallafterwards.Wedecidedtoproceedtothedrawing-room.
"Wemustgoalloutoverthese,"saidCelia;"Iwantthesetobereallybeautiful."
AttheendofanotherhourCeliasaidshethoughtwe'dbettergetontomyworkroom.Myworkroom,asthenameimplies,istheroomtowhichIamtoretirewhenIwantcompletequiet.SometimesIshallgothereafterlunch...andhaveit.
"Wecancomebacktothedrawing-roomafterwards,"shesaid."It'sreallyveryimportantthatweshouldgettherightonesforthat.Yourroomwon'tbesodifficult,but,ofcourse,youmusthaveawfullyniceones."
Ilookedatmywatch.
"It'saquartertoone,"Isaid."At2.15ontheseventeenthofJunewearedueatSt.Miriam's.Ifyouthinkweshallhaveboughtanythingbythen,let'sgoon.If,asseemstome,thereisnohopeatall,thenlet'shavelunchto-dayanyhow.Afterlunchwemaybeabletofindsomewayoutoftheimpasse."
AfterlunchIhadanidea.
"Thisafternoon,"Isaid,"wewillbegintogetsomefurnituretogether."
"Butwhatabouttheelectricfittings?Wemustfinishoffthose."
"Thisisanexperiment.Iwanttoseeifwecanbuyachestofdrawers.Itmayjustbeourdayforit."
"Andwesettlethefittingsto-morrow.Yes?"
"Idon'tknow.Wemaynotwantthem.Italldependsonwhetherwecanbuyachestofdrawersthisafternoon.Ifwecan't,thenIdon'tseehowwecaneverbemarriedontheseventeenthofJune.Somebody'sgottobe,becauseI'veengagedthechurch.Thequestioniswhetherit'sgoingtobeus.Let'sgoandbuyachestofdrawersthisafternoon,andsee."
TheoldgentlemaninthelittleshopCeliaknewofwasdelightedtoseeus.
"Chestesses?Ah,you'avecometotherightplace."Heledtheway
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intothedepths."Therenow.There'sachest--realold,thatis."Hegaveitaheartysmack."Youdon'tseeachestlikethatnowadays.Theycan'tmake'em.Threepoundten.Youcouldn'thavegotthatto-morrer.I'dhavesolditforfourpoundto-morrer."
"Iknewitwasourday,"Isaid.
"Realold,thatis.Spanishme'ogany,alloaklined.That'sright,sir,pullthedrawersoutandseeforyourself.Lettheladysee.There'snoimitationthere,lady.Arealoldchest,thatis.Comein'ereinaweekandyou'dhavetopayfivepoundsforit.Me'ogany'sgoingup,yousee,that'show."
"Well?"IsaidtoCelia.
"It'sperfectlysweet.Hadn'twebetterseesomemore?"
Wesawtwomore.BothofthemSpanishme'ogany,oaklined,pull-the-drawers-out-and-see-for-yourself-lady.Halfanhourpassedrapidly.
"Well?"Isaid.
"Ireallydon'tknowwhichIlikebest.Whichdoyou?"
"Thefirst;it'snearerthedoor."
"There'sanothershopjustovertheway.We'dbetterjustlooktheretoo,andthenwecancomebacktodecideto-morrow."
Wewentout.Iglancedatmywatch.Itwas3.30,andwewerebeingmarriedat2.15ontheseventeenthofJune.
"Waitamoment,"Isaid,"I'veforgottenmygloves."
Imaybeaslowstarter,butIamveryfirmwhenroused.Iwentintotheshop,wroteachequeforthethreechestsofdrawers,andtoldtheman
wheretosendthem.WhenIreturned,Celiawasattheshopopposite,pullingthedrawersoutofarealoldmahoganychestwhichwasstandingonthepavementoutside.
"Thisisevenbetter,"shesaid."It'sperfectlyadorable.Iwonderifit'smoreexpensive."
"I'lljustask,"Isaid.
Iwentinand,withoutanunnecessaryword,boughtthatchesttoo.ThenIcamebacktoCelia.Itwas3.45,andontheseventeenthofJuneat2.15----Well,wehadfourchestsofdrawerstowardsit.
"Celia,"Isaid,"wemayjustdoityet."
III.--THEHONEYMOON
"IknowIoughtn'ttobedallyinghere,"Isaid;"Ioughttobedoingsomethingstrenuousinpreparationforthewedding.CountingthebellsatSt.Miriam's,orvarnishingthefloorsintheflat,or----TellmewhatIoughttobedoing,Celia,andI'llgoonnotdoingitforabit."
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"There'sthehoneymoon,"saidCelia.
"Iknewtherewassomething."
"Dotellmewhatyou'redoingaboutit?"
"Thinkingaboutit."
"Youhaven'twrittentoanyoneaboutroomsyet?"
"Celia,"Isaidreproachfully,"youseemtohaveforgottenwhyIammarryingyou."
WhenCeliawasbrowbeatenintoherpresentengagement,shesaidfranklythatshewasonlyconsentingtomarrymebecauseofmypianola,whichshehadalwayscoveted.InreturnIpointedoutthatIwasonlyaskinghertomarrymebecauseIwantedsomebodytowritemyletters.Thereopenedbeforeme,inthatgladmoment,avistaofinvitationsandaccounts-renderedallansweredpromptlybyCelia,insteadofputofftillnextmonthbyme.Itwasawonderfulvisiontoonewho(veryproperly)detestsletter-writing.Andyet,hereshewas,evenbeforetheceremony,expectingmetoenterintoadeliberatecorrespondencewithallsortsofstrangepeoplewhoasyethadnotcomeintomylifeatall.Itwastoomuch.
"Wewillget,"Isaid,"yourfathertowritesomelettersforus."
"Butwhat'shegottodowithit?"
"Idon'twanttocomplainofyourfather,Celia,butitseemstomethatheisnotdoinghisfairshare.Thereoughttobeacertaingive-and-takeinthematter.Ifindyouanicechurchtobemarriedin--good.Hefindsyouaniceplacetohoneymoonin--excellent.Afterall,youarestillhisdaughter."
"Allright,"saidCelia,"I'llaskfathertodoit.'DearMrs.Bunn,mylittleboywantstospendhisholidayswithyouinJune.Iamwritingto
askyouifyouwilltakecareofhimandseethathedoesn'tdoanythingdangerous.Hehasanicedisposition,butwantswatching.'"Shepattedmyheadgently."Somethinglikethat."
Igotupandwenttothewriting-desk.
"IcanseeIshallhavetodoitmyself,"Isighed."GivemetheaddressandI'llbegin."
"Butwehaven'tquitesettledwherewe'regoingyet,havewe?"
Iputthependownthankfullyandwentbacktothesofa.
"Good!ThenIneedn'twriteto-day,anyhow.Itiswonderful,dear,howdifficultiesrollawaywhenyoufacethem.AlmostatoncewearriveattheconclusionthatIneedn'twriteto-day.Splendid!Well,whereshallwego?Thiswillwantalotofthought.Perhaps,"Iadded,"Ineedn'twriteto-morrow."
"WehadalmostfixedonEngland,hadn'twe?"
"SomebodywastellingmethatLyntonwasverybeautiful.IshouldliketogotoLynton."
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"ButeveryonegoestoLyntonfortheirhoneymoon."
"Thenlet'sbeoriginalandgotoBirmingham.'ThehappycoupleleftforBirmingham,wherethehoneymoonwillbespent.'Sensation."
"'ThebrideleftthetrainatEaling.'Moresensation."
"Ithinkthegreatthing,"Isaid,tryingtobebusinesslike,"istofixthecountyfirst.IfwefixedonRutland,thentherestwouldprobablybeeasy."
"Thegreatthing,"saidCelia,"istodecidewhatwewant.Sea,orriver,ormountains,or--orgolf."
AtthewordgolfIcoughedandlookedoutofthewindow.
NowIamveryfondofCelia--Imeanofgolf,and--whatIreallymean,ofcourse,isthatIamveryfondofbothofthem.ButIdothinkthatonahoneymoonCeliashouldcomefirst.Afterall,Ishallhaveplentyofotherholidaysforgolf...although,ofcourse,threeweeksinthesummerwithoutanygolfatall----Still,IthinkCeliashouldcomefirst.
"Ourtrouble,"Isaidtoher,"isthatneitherofushaseverbeenonahoneymoonbefore,andsowe'venoideawhatitwillbelike.Afterall,whyshouldwegetboredwitheachother?Surelywedon'tdependongolftoamuseus?"
"Allthesame,Ithinkyourgolfwouldamuseme,"saidCelia."Besides,Iwantyoutobeashappyasyoupossiblycanbe."
"Yes,butsupposingIwasslicingmydrivesallthetime,Ishouldbemiserable.IshouldbetornbetweenthedesiretogobacktoLondonandhavealessonwiththeprofessionalandthedesiretostayonhoneymooningwithyou.Onecan'tbehappyinaquandarylikethat."
"Verywellthen,nogolf.Settled?"
"Quite.Nowthen,let'sdecideaboutthescenery.Whatsortofsoildoyouprefer?"
WhenIleftCeliathatdaywehadagreedonthismuch:thatwewouldn'tbotheraboutgolf,andthatthemountains,rivers,valleys,andsoonshouldbeleftentirelytonature.Allweweretoenquireforwas(inthewordsofanadvertisementCeliahadseen)"aperfectspotforahoneymoon."
InthecourseofthenextdayIheardofsevenspots;varyingfromaspotinSurrey"dottedwithfirs,"toadotinthePacificspotted
with--Iforgetwhat,nativesprobably.Takentogethertheywerethesevenonlypossiblespotsforahoneymoon.
"Weshallhavetohavesevenhoneymoons,"IsaidtoCeliawhenIhadtoldhermynews."Onehoneymoon,onespot."
"Wait,"shesaid."Ihaveheardofanidealspot."
"Speakingasaspotexpert,Idon'tthinkthat'snecessarilybetterthananonlypossiblespot,"Iobjected."Still,tellmeaboutit."
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"Well,tobeginwith,it'sclosetothesea."
"Sowecanbathewhenwe'rebored.Good."
"Andit'sgotariver,ifyouwanttofish----"
"Idon't.Ishouldhatetocatchafishwhowasperhapsonhishoneymoontoo.Still,Iliketheideaofariver."
"Andquiteagoodmountain,andlovelywalks,and,infact,everything.Exceptapicture-palace,luckily."
"Itsoundsallright,"Isaiddoubtfully."Wemightjustspendthenextdayortwothinkingaboutmysevenspots,andthenImight...possibly...feelstrongenoughtowrite."
"Oh,Inearlyforgot.Ihavewritten,Ronald."
"Youhave?"Icried."Then,mydear,whatelsematters?It'saperfectspot."Ilaybackinrelief."Andthere,thank'evings,isanotherthingsettled.Blessyou."
"Yes.And,bytheway,thereisgolfquiteclosetoo.Butthat,"she
smiled,"needn'tpreventusgoingthere.""Ofcoursenot.Weshalljustignorethecourse."
"Perhaps,soastobeonthesafeside,you'dbetterleaveyourclubsbehind."
"PerhapsI'dbetter,"Isaidcarelessly.
AllthesameIdon'tthinkIwill.Oneneverknowswhatmayhappen...andattheoutsetofone'smatrimonialcareertohavetogototheexpenseofanentirelynewsetofclubswouldbeamostregrettablebusiness.
IV.--SEASONABLEPRESENTS
"Isuppose,"Isaid,"it'stoolatetocancelthisweddingnow?"
"Well,"saidCelia,"theinvitationsareout,andthepresentsarepouringin,andmother'sjustorderedthemostmeltingdressforherselfthatyoueversaw.Besides,who'stoliveintheflatifwedon't?"
"There'sagooddealinwhatyousay.Still,Iamalarmed,seriouslyalarmed.Lookhere."Idrewoutaprintedslipandflourisheditbeforeher.
"Notawrit?MypoorRonald!"
"Worsethanthat.ThisistheSt.Miriam'sbilloffareforweddings.Celia,Ihadnoideamarriagewassoexpensive.Ithoughtonerolled-goldringwouldpracticallyseeit."
Itwasaformidabledocument.Startingwith"fullchoirandorgan"whichcametoamillionpounds,andworkingdownthrough"boys'voicesonly,"and"redcarpet"to"policemenforcontrollingtraffic--perpoliceman,
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5s.,"itincludedaltogethersometwodozenwaysofdisposingofmysavings.
"Ifwehavethewholemenu,"Isaid,"Ishallberuined.Youwouldn'tliketohavearuinedhusband."
Celiatookthelistandwentthroughitcarefully.
"Imightsay'Season,'"Isuggested,"or'Press.'"
"Well,tobeginwith,"saidCelia,"weneedn'thaveafullchoir."
"Needwehaveanorganorachoiratall?Inthankingpeoplefortheirkindpresentsyoumightadd,'Bytheway,doyousing?'Thenwecouldarrangetohaveallthewarblersinthefront.Mybestmanormysolicitorcouldgivethenote."
"Boys'voicesonly,"decidedCelia."Thenwhataboutbells?"
"Ishouldlikesomenicebells.Ifthepriceis'perbell'wemightgiveanorderforfivegoodones."
"Let'sdowithoutbells.Yousee,theydon'tbegintoringtillwe'veleftthechurch,sotheywon'tbeanygoodtous."
Thisseemedtomeanextraordinarylinetotake.
"Mydearchild,"Iremonstrated,"thewholethingisbeinggotupnotforourselves,butforourguests.Weshallbemuchtoopreoccupiedtoappreciateanyofthegoodthingsweprovide--thetextureoftheredcarpetorthequalityofthesinging.IdreamtlastnightthatIquiteforgotaboutthewedding-ringtill1.30ontheactualday,andtheonlycabIcouldfindtotakemetoajeweller'swasdrawnbyacamel.Ofcourse,itmaynotturnouttobeasbadasthat,butitwillcertainlybeananxiousafternoonforbothofus.Andsowemustconsidertheentertainmententirelyfromthepointofviewofourguests.Whethertheircravingisforchampagneorbells,itmustbesatisfied."
"I'msurethey'llbebetterwithoutbells.Becausewhenthepolicemencallout'Mr.Spifkins'carriage,'Mr.Spifkinsmightn'theariftherewerealotofbellsclashingabout."
"Verywell,nobells.But,mindyou,"Isaidsternly,"Ishallinsistonaclergyman."
Wewentthroughtherestofthemenu,coursebycourse.
"IknowwhatIshalldo,"Isaidatlast."IshallcallonmyfriendtheClerkagain,andIshallspeaktohimquitefrankly.Ishallsay,'Hereisachequeforathousandpounds.ItisallIcanafford--and,bythe
way,you'dbetterpayitinquicklyoritwillbedishonoured.Canyoudousupaniceweddingforathousandinclusive?'"
"LiketheChristmashampersatthestores."
"Exactly.Adozenboys'voices,ahalf-dozenofbells,tenyardsofawning,andtwenty-fouroranges,orvergers,orwhateveritis.Weoughttogetaniceparcelforathousandpounds."
"Or,"saidCelia,"wemightsendthelistroundtoourfriendsas
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suggestionsforweddingpresents.I'msureJanewouldlovetogiveusacoupleofpolicemen."
"We'dmuchbetterleavethewholethingtoyourfather.Iinclinemoreandmoretotheopinionthatitishisbusinesstoprovidethewedding.Imustaskmysolicitoraboutit."
"He'sprovidingthebride."
"Yes,butIthinkhemightgofurther.Ican'thelpfeelingthatthebellswouldcomeverywellfromhim.'Bride'sfathertobridegroom--Apealofbells.'Peoplewouldthinkitwassomethinginsilverforthehall.Itwoulddohimalotofgoodinbusinesscircles."
"Andthatremindsme,"smiledCelia,"there'sbeensometalkaboutapresentfromMissPopley."
Ihavecometotheconclusionthatitisimpossibletogetmarrieddecentlyunlessone'slifeisorderedonsomesortofsystem.Mineneverhasbeen;andtheresultisthatImaketerriblemistakes--particularlyinthecaseofMissPopley.Atthebeginningofthebusiness,whenthenewsgotroundtoMissPopley,Ireceivedfromherasweetletterofcongratulation.KnowingthatshewasratherparticularinthesemattersIbracedmyselfupandthankedherheartilybyreturnofpost.Three
dayslater,whenlookingforachequeIhadlost,Iaccidentallycameacrossherletter."Help,help!"Icried."Thiscamedaysago,andIhaven'tansweredyet."Isatdownatonceandthankedherenthusiastically.AnotherweekpassedandIbegantofeelthatImustreallymakeanefforttocatchmycorrespondenceup;soIgotoutallmylettersofcongratulationofthelasttendaysanddevotedanafternoontoansweringthem.Iusedmuchthesameformofthanksinallofthem...withtheexceptionofMissPopley's,whichwasphrasedparticularlywarmly.
Somuchforthat.ButMissPopleyisCelia'sdearfriendalso.WhenImadeoutmylistofguestsIincludedMissPopley;so,inherlist,didCelia.TheresultwasthatMissPopleyreceivedtwoinvitationstothe
wedding....SometimesIfearshemustthinkwearepursuingher.
"Whatdoesshesayaboutapresent?"Iasked.
"Shewantsustotellherwhatwewant."
"Whatarewetosay?Ifwesaidanelephant----"
"Withasmallcardtiedontohisear,and'BestwishesfromMissPopley'onit.Itwouldlookheavenlyamongtheotherpresents."
"YouseewhatImean,Celia.Arewetosuggestsomethingworthathousandpounds,orsomethingworthninepence?It'sawfullykindofher,
butitmakesitjollydifficultforus."
"Somethingthatmightcostanythingfromninepencetoathousandpounds,"suggestedCelia.
"Thenthatwashesouttheelephant."
"Can'tyougettheninepennyonesnow?"
"Isuppose,"Isaid,revertingtothesubjectwhichmostweighedonme,
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"shewouldn'tliketogivethemen'svoicesforthechoir?"
"No,Ithinkaclock,"saidCelia."Aclockcancostanythingyoulike--ordon'tlike."
"Right-o.Andperhapswe'dbettersettlenow.Whenitcomes,howmanytimesshallwewriteandthankherforit?"
Celiaconsidered."Fourtimes,Ithink,"shesaid.
.....
Well,asCeliasays,it'stoolatetodrawbacknow.ButIshallbegladwhenit'sallover.AsIbeganbysaying,there'stoomuch"arranging"and"settling"and"fixing"aboutthethingforme.InthenecessarynegotiationsandpreparationsIfearIhavenotshone.AndsoIshallbetrulygladwhenwehavesettleddowninourflat...andCeliacanrestoremyconfidenceinmyselfoncemorebytalkingloudlytoherdomesticstaffabout"TheMaster."
HOMEAFFAIRS
ANINSURANCEACT
Ofcourse,Ihadalwaysknownthatamedicalexaminationwasanecessarypreliminarytoinsurance,butinmyowncaseIhadexpectedthethingtobethemerestformality.Thedoctor,havingseenataglancewhatafine,strong,healthyfellowIwas,wouldlookcasuallyatmytongue,apologiseforhavingdoubtedit,enquiregeniallywhatmygrandfatherhaddiedof,andshowmetothedoor.Thisideaofminewasfosteredby
theexcellenttestimonialwhichIhadwrittenmyselfattheCompany'sbidding."Areyousufferingfromanyconstitutionaldisease?--No.Haveyoueverhadgout?--No.Areyoudeformed?--No.Areyouofstrictlysoberandtemperatehabits?--No,"ImeanYes.MyreplieshadbeenamodelofwhatanAssuranceCompanyexpects.Thenwhytheneedofadoctor?
However,theyinsisted.
Thedoctorbeganquietlyenough.Heasked,asIhadanticipated,afterthehealthofmyrelations.Isaidthattheywereveryfit;and,nottobeoutdoneinpoliteness,expressedthehopethathispeople,too,werekeepingwellinthistryingweather.HewonderedifIdrankmuch.I
said,"Oh,well,perhapsIwill,"withanapologeticsmile,andlookedroundforthesideboard.Unfortunatelyhedidnotpursuethematter....
"Andnow,"hesaid,afterthehundredthquestion,"Ishouldliketolookatyourchest."
Ihadseenitcomingforsometime.InvainIhadtriedtoturntheconversation--toleadhimbacktothesubjectofdrinksormyrelations.Itwasnogood.Hewasevidentlydeterminedtoseemychest.Nothingcouldmovehimfromhisresolve.
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Trembling,Ipreparedfortheencounter.Whatterriblediseasewashegoingtodiscover?
Hebeganbytappingmebrisklyalloverinaseriesofdoubleknocks.Forthemostpartonedouble-knockatanypointappearedtosatisfyhim,butoccasionallytherewouldbenoanswerandhewouldknockagain.Atonespotheknockedfourtimesbeforehecouldmakehimselfheard.
"This,"Isaidtomyselfatthethirdknock,"hastornit.Ishallbeploughed,"andIsentanurgentmessagetomychest,"For'eving'ssakedosomething,youfool!Can'tyouhearthegentleman?"Isupposethatrousedit,foratthenextknockhepassedontoanadjacentspot....
"Um,"hesaid,whenhehadcalledeverywhere,"um."
"IwonderwhatI'vedone,"Ithoughttomyself."Idon'tbelievehelikesmychest."
Withoutawordhegotouthisstethoscopeandbegantolistentome.Asluckwouldhaveithestrucksomethinginterestingalmostatonce,andforwhatseemedhourshestoodtherelisteningandlisteningtoit.Butitwasboringforme,becauseIreallyhadverylittletodo.Icouldhavebittenhimintheneckwithsomeease...orImighthavelicked
hisear.Beyondthat,nothingseemedtooffer.Imoistenedmylipsandspoke.
"AmIdying?"Iaskedinabrokenvoice.
"Don'ttalk,"hesaid."Justbreathenaturally."
"Iamdying,"Ithought,"andheishidingitfromme."Itwasaterriblereflection.
"Um,"hesaidandmovedon.
Byandbyhewentandlistenedbehindmyback.Itisverybadformtolistenbehindaperson'sback.Ididnottellhimso,however.Iwantedhimtolikeme.
"Yes,"hesaid."Nowcough."
"Ihaven'tacough,"Ipointedout.
"Makethenoiseofcoughing,"hesaidseverely.
Extremelynervous,Ididmycelebratedimitationofamanwithanirritatingcough.
"H'm!h'm!h'm!h'm!"
"Yes,"saidthedoctor."Goon."
"Helikesit,"Isaidtomyself,"andhemustobviouslybeanexcellentjudge.Ishalldevotemoretimetomimicryinfuture.H'm!h'm!h'm!..."
ThedoctorcameroundtowhereIcouldseehimagain.
"Nowcoughlikethis,"hesaid."Honk!honk!"
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Igavemycelebratedimitationofasickrhinocerosgaspingoutitslife.Itwentwell.Igotanencore.
"Um,"hesaidgravely,"um."Heputhisstethoscopeawayandlookedearnestlyatme.
"Tellmetheworst,"Ibegged."I'mnotbotheringaboutthisstupidinsurancebusinessnow.That'soff,ofcourse.But--howlonghaveI?Imustputmyaffairsinorder.Canyoupromisemeaweek?"
Hesaidnothing.Hetookmywristsinhishandsandpressedthem.Itwasevidentthatgriefover-masteredhimandthathewastakingasilentfarewellofme.Ibowedmyhead.Then,determinedtobearmydeath-sentencelikeaman,Isaidfirmly,"Sobeit,"anddrewmyselfawayfromhim.
However,hewouldn'tletmego.
"Come,come,"Isaidtohim,"youmustnotgiveway";andImadeanefforttoreleaseoneofmyhands,meaningtopathimencouraginglyontheshoulder.
Heresisted....
IrealizedsuddenlythatIhadmistakenhismeaning,andthathewassimplyfeelingmypulses.
"Um,"hesaid,"um,"andcontinuedtofingermywrists.
Clenchingmyteeth,andwiththeveinsstartingoutonmyforehead,IworkedmypulsesashardasIcould.
.....
"Ah,"hesaid,asIfinishedtyingmytie;andhegotupfromthedeskwherehehadbeenmakingnotesofmydisastrouscase,andcameoverto
me."Thereisjustonethingmore.Sitdown."
Isatdown.
"Nowcrossyourknees."
Icrossedmyknees.Hebentovermeandgavemeasharptapbelowthekneewiththesideofhishand.
Mychestmayhavedisappointedhim....Hemayhavedislikedmyback....PossiblyIwasacompletefailurewithmypulses....ButIknewtheknee-trick.
Thistimeheshouldnotbedisappointed.
Iwastakingnorisks.Almostbeforehishandreachedmyknee,myfootshotoutandtookhimfairlyunderthechin.Hisfacesuddenlydisappeared.
"Ihaven'tgotthatdisease,"Isaidcheerily.
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BACHELORRELICS
"Doyouhappentowant,"IsaidtoHenry,"anoperahatthatdoesn'top?Atleastitonlyworksononeside."
"No,"saidHenry.
"ToanyonewhobuysmyoperahatforalargesumIamgivingawayfoursquareyardsoflinoleum,arevolvingbook-case,twocurtainrods,apairofspring-gripdumb-bells,andanextremelypatentmouse-trap."
"No,"saidHenryagain.
"Themouse-trap,"Ipleaded,"isunused.Thatistosay,nomousehasusedityet.Mymouse-traphasneverbeenblooded."
"Idon'twantitmyself,"saidHenry,"butIknowamanwhodoes."
"Henry,youknoweverybody.ForHeaven'ssakeintroducemetoyourfriend.Whydoesheparticularlywantamouse-trap?"
"Hedoesn't.Hewantsanythingthat'sold.Oldclothes,oldcarpets,
anythingthat'soldhe'llbuy."HeseemedtobeexactlythemanIwanted.
"Introducemetoyourfellowclubman,"Isaidfirmly.
ThateveningIwrotetoHenry'sfriend,Mr.Bennett."DearSir,"Iwrote,"ifyouwouldcalluponmeto-morrowIshouldliketoshowyousomereallyoldthings,allgenuineantiques.InparticularIwouldcallyourattentiontoanoldoperahatofexquisiteworkmanshipandamouse-trapofchasteandhandsomedesign.IhavealsoafewyardsofQueenAnnelinoleumofacircularpatternwhichIthinkwillpleaseyou.MyJamestheFirstspring-gripdumb-bellsandLouisQuatorze
curtain-rodsarewellknowntoconnoisseurs.Agenuineoldcorkbedroomsuite,comprisingonebath-mat,willalsobeincludedinthesale.Yoursfaithfully."
OnsecondthoughtsItoretheletterupandsentMr.Bennettapostcardaskinghimtofavourtheundersignedwithacallat10.30prompt.Andat10.30prompthecame.
Ihadexpectedtoseeabeardedpatriarchwithahookednoseandthreehatsonhishead,butMr.Bennettturnedouttobeaverysprucegentleman,wearing(Iwassorrytosee)muchbetterclothesthantheoperahatIproposedtosellhim.Hebecamebusinesslikeatonce.
"Justtellmewhatyouwanttosell,"hesaid,whippingoutapocket-book,"andI'llmakeanoteofit.Itakeanything."
Ilookedroundmyspaciousapartmentandwonderedwhattobeginwith.
"Therevolvingbook-case,"Iannounced.
"I'mafraidthere'sverylittlesaleforrevolvingbook-casesnow,"hesaid,ashemadeanoteofit.
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"Asamatteroffact,"Ipointedout,"thisonedoesn'trevolve.Itgotstucksomeyearsago."
Hedidn'tseemtothinkthatthiswouldincreasetherush,buthemadeanoteofit.
"Thenthewriting-desk."
"Thewhat?"
"TheGeorgianbureau.Acopyofanoldtwentieth-centuryescritoire."
"Walnut?"hesaid,tappingit.
"Possibly.ThevalueofthisGeorgianwriting-desk,however,liesnotinthewoodbutintheliteraryassociations."
"Ah!Mycustomersdon'tbothermuchaboutthat,butstill--whosewasit?"
"Mine,"Isaidwithdignity,placingmyhandinthebreastpocketofmycoat."Ihavewrittenmanycharmingthingsatthatdesk.My'OdetoaBell-push,'my'ThoughtsonAsia,'my----"
"Anythingelseinthisroom?"saidMr.Bennett."Carpet,curtains----""Nothingelse,"Isaidcoldly.
Wewentintothebedroomand,gazingonthelinoleum,myenthusiasmreturnedtome.
"Thelinoleum,"Isaid,withawaveofthehand.
"Verymuchworn,"saidMr.Bennett.
Icalledhisattentiontothepieceunderthebed.
"Notunderthere,"Isaid."Ineverwalkonthatpiece.It'sasgoodasnew."
Hemadeanote."Whatelse?"hesaid.
Ishowedhimroundthecollection.HesawtheLouisQuatorzecurtain-rods,thecorkbedroomsuite,theCæsariannail-brush(quitebald),theantiqueshaving-mirrorwithgenuinecrack--hesawitall.Andthenwewentbackintotheotherroomsandfoundsomemorethingsforhim.
"Yes,"hesaid,consultinghisnote-book."Andnowhowwouldyoulikemetobuythese?"
"Atalargeprice,"Isaid."Ifyouhavebroughtyourcheque-bookI'lllendyouapen."
"Youwantmetomakeyouanoffer?OtherwiseIshouldsellthembyauctionforyou,deductingtenpercentcommission."
"Notbyauction,"Isaidimpulsively."Icouldn'tbeartoknowhowmuch,orratherhowlittle,myGeorgianbureaufetched.Itwasthere,asIthinkItoldyou,thatIwrotemyGuidetotheRoundPond.Givemean
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inclusivepriceforthelot,andnever,neverletmeknowthedetails."
Henamedaninclusiveprice.Itwassomethingunderahundredandfiftypounds.Ishouldn'thavemindedthatifithadonlybeenalittleovertenpounds.Butitwasn't.
"Right,"Iagreed."And,oh,Iwasnearlyforgetting.There'sanoldoperahatofexquisiteworkmanship,which----"
"Ah,now,clotheshadmuchbetterbesoldbyauction.Makeapileofallyoudon'twantandI'llsendroundasackforthem.IhaveanauctionsaleeveryWednesday."
"Verywell.Sendroundto-morrow.Andyoumight--er--alsosendrounda--er--chequefor--quiteso.Well,then,goodmorning."
WhenhehadgoneIwentintomybedroomandmadeapileofmyoperahat.Itdidn'tlookveryimpressive--hardlyworthhavingasackspeciallysentroundforit.TokeepitcompanyIcollectedanassortmentofclothes.Itpainedmetobreakupmywardrobeinthisway,butIwantedthebiddingformyoperahattobebrisk,andafewpreliminarysuitswouldwarmthepublicup.Altogetheritwasagoodlypilewhenitwasdone.Theoperahatperchedonthetop,halfofitonlyatwork.
.....To-dayIreceivedfromMr.Bennettacheque,acatalogue,andanaccount.Thecataloguewasmarked"Lots172-179."SomehowIfeltthatmyoperahatwouldbeLot176.Iturnedtoitintheaccount.
"Lot176--Sixshillings."
"Itdidwell,"Isaid."PerhapsinmyheartofheartsIhopedforsevenandsixpence,butsixshillings--yes,itwasagoodhat."
AndthenIturnedtothecatalogue.
"Lot176--Frock-coatandvest,dress-coatandvest,ditto,pairoftrousersandoperahat."
"Andoperahat."Well,well.Atleastithadthepositionofhonourattheend.Myoperahatwasstarred.
LORDSTEMPORAL
Wehaveeightclocks,calledafterthekindpeoplewhogavethemtous.
Letmeintroduceyou:William,Edward,Muriel,Enid,Alphonse,Percy,Henrietta,andJohn--alargefamily.
"Buthowconvenient,"saidCelia."Exactlyoneforeachroom."
"Ortwoineachcornerofthedrawing-room.Idon'tsuggestit;Ijustthrowouttheidea."
"Whichisrejected.Howshallwearrangewhichgoesintowhichroom?Let'spickup.ItakeWilliamforthedrawing-room;youtakeJohnfor
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yourworkroom;Itake----"
"NotJohn,"Isaidgently.Johnis----Johnoverdoesitatrifle.ThereistoomuchofJohn;andheexposeshisinside--whichisnotquitenice.
"Well,whicheveryoulike.Comeon,let'sbegin.William."
Asithappened,IparticularlywantedWilliam.Hehasanabsolutelynoiselesstick,suchasissuitabletoaroominwhichworkistobedone.IexplainedthistoCelia.
"Whatyouwantforthedrawing-room,"Iwenton,"isaclockwhichticksostentatiously,sothatyourvisitorsmayberemindedoftheflightoftime.Edwardisaveryloudbreather.NoguestcouldfailtonoticeEdward."
"William,"saidCeliafirmly.
"Williamhasaverydelicateinterior,"Ipleaded."Youcouldneverattendtohimproperly.IhavebeenthinkingofWilliameversincewehadhim,andIfeelthatIunderstandhiscase."
"Verywell,"saidCelia,withsuddengenerosity;"Edward.YouhaveWilliam;IhaveAlphonseforthedining-room;youhaveJohnforyour
bedroom;IhaveEnidformine;you----""NotJohn,"Isaidgently.Tobefrank,Johnisimproper.
"Well,Percy,then."
"Yes,Percy.Heisyoungandfair.Heshallsitonthechestofdrawersandsingtomysock-suspenders."
"ThenHenriettahadbettergointhespareroom,andMurielinJane's."
"MurielismuchtoogoodforJane,"Iprotested."Besides,aservantwantsanalarmclocktogetherupinthemorning."
"YouforgetthatMurielcuckoos.Atsixo'clockshewillcuckooexactlysixtimes,andatthesixth'oo'Janebrisksoutofbed."
Istillfeltalittledoubtful,becausetheearlymorningisabadtimeforcountingcuckoos,andIdidn'tseewhyJaneshouldn'tbriskoutattheseventh"oo"bymistakeoneday.However,JaneisinCelia'sdepartment,andifCeliawassatisfiedIwas.Besides,theonlyotherplaceforMurielwasthebathroom;andthereissomethingaboutacuckoo-clockinabathroomwhich--well,onewantstobeeducateduptoit.
"Andthat,"saidCeliagladly,"leavesthekitchenforJohn."John,asI
thinkIhavesaid,displayshisinsideinalamentableway.ThereistoomuchofJohn.
"IfJanedoesn'tmind,"Iadded."Shemayhavebeenstrictlybroughtup."
"She'lllovehim.Johnlacksreserve,butheisagoodtime-keeper."
Andsooureightfriendsweresettled.But,alas,notforlong.OurdiscussionhadtakenplaceontheeveofJane'sarrival;andwhenshe
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turnedupnextdayshebroughtwithher,toourhorror,aclockofherown--called,Ithink,Mother.Atanyrate,shewasfondofitandrefusedtothrowitaway.
"Andit'sgotanalarm,soitgoesinherbedroom,"saidCelia,"andMurielgoesintothekitchen.Janelovesit,becauseshecomesfromthecountry,andthecuckooremindsherofhome.ThatstillleavesJohneatinghisheadoff."
"And,moreover,showingpeoplewhathappenstoit,"Iaddedseverely.(IthinkIhavealreadymentionedJohn'sfoible.)
"Well,there'sonlyonethingforit;hemustgounderthespare-roombed."
ItriedtoimagineJohnunderthespare-roombed.
"Suppose,"Isaid,"wehadanervousvisitor...andshelookedunderthebedbeforegettingintoit...andsawJohn....Itisaterriblethought,Celia."
However,thatiswhereheis.Itisalonelylifeforhim,butweshallwindhimupeveryweek,andhewillthinkthatheisbeingofservicetous.Indeed,heprobablyimaginesthatourguestsprefertosleepunder
thebed.Now,withJohnatlastarrangedfor,ourfamilyshouldhavebeenhappy;butthreedaysagoIdiscoveredthatitwasWilliamwhowasgoingtobetherealtrouble.TothinkofWilliam,theprideoftheflock,betrayingus!
Asyoumayremember,Williamliveswithme.Hepresidesovertheroomwecall"thelibrary"tovisitorsand"themaster'sroom"toJane.HesmilesatmewhenIwork.Ordinarily,whenIwanttoknowthetime,Ilookatmywatch;buttheothermorningIhappenedtoglanceatWilliam.Hesaid"twentyminutespastseven."AsIamneveratworkasearlyasthat,andasmywatchsaideleven-thirty,IguessedatoncethatWilliam
hadstopped.Intheevening--havingbythattimefoundthekey--Iwenttowindhimup.Tomysurprisehesaid"six-twenty-five."Iputmyeartohischestandheardhisgentlebreathing.Hewasaliveandgoingwell.WithamurmuredapologyIsethimtotherighttime...andbythemorninghewasthree-quartersofanhourfast.
UnlikeJohn,Williamisreticenttoadegree.WithgreatdifficultyIfoundmywaytohisinsides,andthenfoundthathehadpracticallynonetospeakofatall.Certainlyhehadnoregulator.
"Whatshallwedo?"IaskedCelia.
"Leavehim.Andthen,whenyoubringyourguestsinforasmoke,youcan
say,'Oh,don'tgoyet;thisclockisfivehoursandtwenty-threeminutesfast.'"
"Orsixhoursandthirty-sevenminutesslow.Iwonderwhichwouldsoundbetter.Anyhow,heismuchtoobeautifultogounderabed."
Soweareleavinghim.AndwhenIaminthemoodforbeautyIlookatWilliam'smahoganysidesandamsoothedintoslumberagain...andwhenIwanttoadjustmywatch(whichalwayslosesalittle),Icreepunderthespare-roombedandconsultJohn.Johnaloneofallourfamilykeeps
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thecorrecttime,anditisapitythathealonemustliveinretirement.
THEMISSINGCARD
WhatIsayisthis:Amanhashisownworktodo.Heslavesattheofficeallday,earningalivingforthosedependentonhim,andwhenhecomeshomehemayreasonablyexpectnottobebotheredwithdomesticbusiness.Iamsureyouwillagreewithme.Andyouwouldgoontosay,wouldyounot,that,anyhow,theinsuringofhisservantsmightsafelybelefttohiswife?Ofcourseyouwould!Thankyouverymuch.
IfirstspoketoCeliaabouttheinsuringofthestaffsomeweeksago.OurstaffconsistsofJaneParsonsthecook,thefirstparlourmaid(Jane)andParsonstheupperhousemaid.WecallthemcollectivelyJane.
"Bytheway,"IsaidtoCelia,"IsupposeJaneisinsuredallright?"
"Iwasgoingtoseeaboutitto-morrow,"saidCelia.
Ilookedatherinsurprise.ItwasjustthesortofthingImighthavesaidmyself.
"Ihopeshewon'tbeunkindaboutit,"Iwenton."Ifsheobjectstopayinghershare,tellherIamrelatedtoasolicitor.Ifshestillobjects,er--tellherwe'llpayitourselves."
"Ithinkitwillbeallright.Fortunately,shehasnoheadforfigures."
Thisistrue.Janeisanexcellentcook,andwellworththe£75ayearorwhateveritiswepayher;butarithmeticgivesheraheadache.WhenCeliahasfinisheddividing£75bytwelve,Janeisinastateof
completenervousexhaustion,andisonlytoothankfultotakethenine-and-sixpencethatCeliahandsovertoher,withoutaskinganyquestions.Indeed,anythingthattheGovernmentwisheddeductedfromJane'swageswecoulddeductwithaminimumoffriction--fromincome-taxtoadog-licence.Athreepennyinsurancewouldbechild'splay.
ThreeweekslaterIsaidtoCelia--
"HasaninspectorbeentoseeJane'scardyet?"
"Jane'scard?"sheaskedblankly.
"Theinsurancecardwiththeprettystampson."
"No....No....Luckily."
"Youmean----"
"Iwasgoingtoseeaboutitto-morrow,"saidCelia.
Igotupandpacedthefloor."Really,"Imurmured,"really."Itriedthevariouschairsintheroom,andfinallywentandstoodwithmybacktothefire-place.Inshort,Ibehavedlikeajustlyincensed
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master-of-the-house.
"Youknowwhathappens,"Isaid,whenIwascalmagain,"ifweneglectthisdutywhichParliamenthaslaiduponus?"
"No."
"Wegotoprison.Atleast,oneofusdoes.I'mnotquitesurewhich."
"Ihopeit'syou,"saidCelia.
"AsamatteroffactIbelieveitis.However,weshallknowwhentheinspectorcomesround."
"Ifit'syou,"shewenton,"Ishallsendyouinafile,withwhichyoucancutthroughyourchainsandescape.Itwillbeconcealedinaloafofbread,sothatyourgaolersshan'tsuspect."
"ProbablyIshouldn'tsuspecteither,untilIhadbittenonitsuddenly.Perhapsyou'dbetternotbother.ItwouldbesimplerifyougotJane'scardto-morrowinstead."
"ButofcourseIwill.Thatistosay,I'lltellJanetogetitherself.It'shercinemaeveningout."
OnceaweekJaneleavesusandgoestoacinema.Herlifeisfullofvariety.
Tendayselapsed,andthenoneeveningIsaid----AtleastIdidn't.BeforeIcouldgetitoutCeliainterrupted:
"No,notyet.Yousee,there'sbeenahitch."
Icurbedmyangerandspokecalmly.
"Whatsortofahitch?"
"Well,JaneforgotlastWednesday,andIforgottoremindherthisWednesday.ButnextWednesday----"
"Whydon'tyoudoityourself?"
"Well,ifyou'lltellmewhattodoI'lldoit."
"Well--er--youjust--you--Imean--well,they'lltellyouatthepost-office."
"That'sexactlyhowIkeepexplainingittoJane,"saidCelia.
Ilookedathermournfully.
"Whatshallwedo?"Iasked."Ifeelquitehopelessaboutit.ItseemstoolatenowtodoanythingwithJane.Let'sgetanewstaffandbeginagainproperly."
"LoseJane?"criedCelia."I'dsoonergotoprison--ImeanI'dsooneryouwenttoprison.Whycan'tyoubeamananddosomething?"
Celiadoesn'tseemtorealizethatImarriedherwiththesoleideaofgettingfreeofallthissortofbother.Asitis,Inearlydieoncea
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yearintheattempttofillupmyincome-taxform.Anytrafficininsurancecardswould,mydoctorsays,beabsolutelyfatal.
However,somethinghadtobedone.LastweekIwentintoaneighbouringpost-officeinordertosendatelegram.Thepost-officeisanannexeofthegrocer'swherethesardinescomefromonJane'scinemaevening.Havingsentthetelegram,Itookasuddendesperateresolve.I--Imyself--woulddosomething.
"Iwant,"Isaidbravely,"aninsurancestamp."
"Sixpennyorsevenpenny?"saidthegirl,tryingtoputmeoffmybalanceattheverybeginning.
"What'sthedifference?"Iasked."Youneedn'tsayapenny,becausethatisobvious."
However,shehadnowishtobefunny.
"Sevenpennyformen-servants,sixpennyforwomen,"sheexplained.
Iwasn'tgoingtogiveawayourdomesticarrangementstosonearaneighbour.
"Threesixpennyandfoursevenpenny,"Isaidcasually,flickingthedustoffmyshoeswithahandkerchief."Tut,tut,IwasforgettingThomas,"Iadded."Fivesevenpenny."
ItookthestampshomeandshoweredthemonCelia.
"Yousee,"Isaid,"it'snotreallydifficult."
"Oh,youangel!WhatdoIdowiththem?"
"StickthemonJane,"Isaidgrandly."Dotthemaboutthehouse.Stampyourletterswiththem--Icanalwaysgetyouplentymore."
"Didn'tyougetacardtoo?"
"N-no.No,Ididn't.Thefactis,it'syourturnnow,Celia.Yougetthecard."
"Oh,allright.I--er--supposeyoujustaskfora--acard?"
"Isupposeso.And--er--chooseadoctor,and--er--decideonanapprovedsociety,and--er--explainwhyitisyouhadn'tgotacardbefore,and--er----Well,anyhow,it'syourturnnow,Celia."
"It'sreallystillJane'sturn,"saidCelia,"onlyshe'ssostupidaboutit."
Butsheturnedouttobenotsostupidaswethought.Foryesterdaytherecamearingatthebell.Feelinginstinctivelythatitwastheinspector,CeliaandIgotbehindthesofa...andemergedsomeminuteslatertofindJanealoneintheroom.
"Somebodycometoseeaboutaninsurancecardorsomething,"shesaid."Isaidyouwerebothout,andwouldhecometo-morrow."
TechnicallyIsupposewewerebothout.Thatis,wewerenot
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receiving.
"Thankyou,Jane,"Isaidstiffly.IturnedtoCelia."Thereyouare,"Isaid."To-morrowsomethingmustbedone."
"IalwayssaidI'ddoitto-morrow,"saidCelia.
SILVERLININGS
"Wewantsomemorecoal,"saidCeliasuddenlyatbreakfast.
"Sorry,"Isaid,engrossedinmypaper,andIpassedherthemarmalade.
"Morecoal,"sherepeated.
Ipushedacrossthetoast.
Celiasighedandheldupherhand.
"PleasemayIspeaktoyouamoment?"shesaid,tryingtosnapher
fingers."Good;I'vecaughthiseye.Wewant----""I'mawfullysorry.Whatisit?"
"Wewantsomemorecoal.NevermindthisoncewhetherInmanbeatHobbsornot.Justhelpme."
"Celia,you'vebeenreadingthepaper,"Isaidinsurprise."Ithoughtyouonlyreadthefeuill--theserialstory.HowdidyouknowInmanwasplayingHobbs?"
"Well,PoultonorCarpentierorwhoeveritis.Lookhere,we'reoutofcoal.WhatshallIdo?"
"That'seasy.Ordersomemore.Whatdoyoudowhenyou'reoutofnutmegs?"
"Itdependsifthenutmegportersarestriking."
"Striking!Goodheavens,Ineverthoughtaboutthat."Iglancedhastilydowntheheadlinesofmypaper."Celia,thisisserious.Ishallhavetothinkaboutthisseriously.Willyouorderafireinthelibrary?Ishallretiretothelibraryandthinkthisover."
"Youcanretiretothelibrary,butyoucan'thaveafirethere.There'sonlyjustenoughforthekitchenfortwodays."
"Thencomeandchaperonmeinthekitchen.Don'tleavemealonewithJane.YouandIandJanewillassembleroundtheovenanddiscussthematter.B-r-r-r.It'scold."
"Notthekitchen.I'llassemblewithyouroundtheelectriclightsomewhere.Comeon."
Wewentintothelibraryandralliedroundawaxvesta.Itwasaterriblycoldmorning.
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"Ican'tthinklikethis,"Isaid,afterfifteenseconds'reflection."I'mgoingtotheoffice.There'safirethere,anyway."
"Youwouldn'tlikeanicesecretary,"saidCeliatimidly,"oranofficegirl,orsomebodytolickthestamps?"
"Ishouldneverdoanyworkifyoucame,"Isaid,lookingatherthoughtfully."Docome."
"No,Ishallbeallright.I'vegotshoppingtodothismorning,andI'mgoingouttolunch,andIcanpaysomecallsafterwards."
"Right.Andyoumightfindoutwhatotherpeoplearedoing,thepeopleyoucallon.And--er--ifyoushouldbeleftaloneinthedrawing-roomamoment...andthecoal-boxisatalladjacent....You'llhaveyourmuffwithyou,yousee,and----Well,Ileavethattoyou.Dowhatyoucan."
Ihadagooddayattheofficeandhaveneverbeensolothtoleave.IalwaysfeltIshouldgettolikemyworksometime.Iarrivedhomeagainaboutsix.Celiawasatriflelater,andImetheronthematasshecamein.
"Anyluck?"Iaskedeagerly,feelinginhermuff."Dashit,Celia,therearenothingbuthandshere.Doyoumeantosayyoudidn'tpickupanythingatall?"
"Onlyinformation,"shesaid,leadingthewayintothedrawing-room."Hallo,what'sthis?Afire!"
"Asmallinvoluntarycontributionfromtheoffice.Ibroughtithomeundermyhat.Well,what'sthenews?"
"Thatifwewantanycoalweshallhavetofetchitourselves.Andwecangetitinsmallamountsfromgreengrocers.Whygreengrocers,Idon'tknow."
"Isupposetheyhavetohavefirestoforcethecabbages.Butwhataboutthestrikingcoalporters?Ifyoudotheirjob,won'ttheypicketyouorpickaxeyouorsomething?"
"Oh,ofcourse,Ishouldhatetogoalone.ButIshallbeallrightifyoucomewithme."
Celia'sfaithinmeisverytouching.Iamnotquitesoconfidentaboutmyself.NodoubtIcouldprotecthereasilyagainstfiveorsixgreatbrawnyhulkingporters...armedwithcoal-hammers...butIamseriouslydoubtfulwhetheradozenorso,aidedwithalittleluck,mightn'tgetthebetterofme.
"Don'tletusberash,"Isaidthoughtfully."Don'tletusinfuriatethem."
"Youaren'tafraidofastriker?"askedCeliainamazement.
"Ofanordinarystriker,no.Inastrikeofbank-clerks,or--orchess-players,orprofessionalskeletons,Ishouldbealionamongtheblacklegs;butthereissomethingabouttheverywordcoalporterwhich----Youknow,IreallythinkthisisacasewheretheBritishArmy
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mighthelpus.Wehavebeenverygoodtoit."
TheBritishArmy,Ishouldexplain,hasbeenwalkingoutwithJanelately.Whenwegoawayforweek-endswelettheBritishArmydropintosupper.Luckilyitneithersmokesnordrinksnortakesanygreatinterestinbooks.Itisagreatrelief,onyourweek-endsinthecountry,toknowthattheBritishArmyisdroppingintosupper,whenotherwiseyoumightonlyhavesuspectedit.ImaysaythatweareratherhopingtogetapositionintheArmyRecruitingfilmonthestrengthofthishospitality.
"LettheBritishArmygo,"Isaid."We'vebeenverykindtohim."
"IfancyJanehaslefttheservice.Idon'tknowwhy."
"Probablytheyquarrelledbecauseshegavehimcaviaretwonightsrunning,"Isaid."Well,IsupposeIshallhavetogo.Butitwillbenoplaceforwomen.To-morrowafternoonIwillsallyforthalonetodoit.But,"Iadded,"Ishallprobablyreturnwithtwocoalportersclingingroundmyneck.Orderteaforthree."
Nextevening,afterawarmandbusydayattheoffice,Iputonmytop-hatandtail-coatandwentout.IftherewasanyaccidentIwasdeterminedtobedescribedinthepapersas"thebodyofawell-dressed
man";togodowntohistoryas"theremainsofashabbilydressedindividual"wouldbetoodepressing.Beautifullyclothed,IjumpedintoataxianddrovetoCelia'sgreengrocer.Celiaherselfwaskeepingwarmbypayingstillmorecalls.
"Iwant,"Isaidnervously,"ahundredweightofcoalandacauliflower."Thiswasmyownidea.Iintendedtoplacethecaulifloweronthetopofasack,andsotodeceiveanytoo-inquisitivecoalporter."No,no,"Ishouldsay,"notcoal;nicecauliflowersforSunday'sdinner."
"Can'tdeliverthecoal,"saidthegreengrocer.
"I'mgoingtotakeitwithme,"Iexplained.
Hewentroundtoayardattheback.Imotionedmytaxialongandfollowedhimattheheadofthreesmallboyswhohadneverseenatop-hatandacauliflowersoclosetogether.Wegotthesackintoposition.
"Come,come,"Isaidtothedriver,"haven'tyoueverseenadressing-casebefore?GiveusahandwithitorIshallmissmytrainandbelatefordinner."
Hegrinnedandgaveahand.Ipaidthegreengrocer,pressedthecauliflowerintothehandofthesmallestboy,anddroveoff....
Itwasabsurdlyeasy.
Therewasnogoreatall.
.....
"There!"IsaidtoCeliawhenshecameback."Andwhenthat'sdoneI'llgetyousomemore."
"Hooray!Andyet,"shewenton,"I'malmostsorry.Yousee,Iwas
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workingoffmycallssonicely,andyou'dbeenhavingsomequitebusydaysattheoffice,hadn'tyou?"
THEORDEROFTHEBATH
"Wemustreallydosomethingaboutthebath,"saidCelia.
"Wemust,"Iagreed.
Atpresentwhatwedoisthis.Punctuallyatsix-thirtyornine,orwheneveritis,Celiagoesintomakeherselfcleanandbeautifulforthenewday,whileIamusemyselfwitharazor.Afteraquarterofanhourorsoshegivesawhistletoimplythatthebathroomisnowvacant,andIgiveanotheronetoindicatethatIhaveonlycutmyselfonce.Ithengohopefullyinandfindthatthebathishalffullofwater;whereuponIgobacktomyroomandengageinDr.HughdeSélincourt'sphysicalexercisesforthemiddle-aged.AftertheseareoverItakeanotherlookatthebath,discoverthatitisnowthree-eighthsfull,andreturntomyroomandbusymyselfwithDr.ArchibaldMarshall'smentaldrillforbusymen.BythetimeIhavecommittedthreeOdesof
Horacetomemory,itmaybelowtideoritmaynot;ifnot,Isitontheedgeofthebathwiththedailypaperandreadaboutthelateststrike--mymindoccupiedequallywithwonderingwhenthewaterisgoingoutandwhenthebricklayersare.AndthethoughtthatCeliaisnowinthedining-roomeatingmorethanhershareofthetoastdoesnotconsolemeintheleast.
"Yes,"Isaid,"it'sabsurdtogoonlikethis.Youhadbetterseeaboutitto-day,Celia."
"Idon'tthink--Imean,Ithink--youknow,it'sreallyyourturntodosomethingforthebathroom."
"Whatdoyoumean,myturn?Didn'tIbuytheglassshelvesforit?You'dneverevenheardofglassshelves."
"Well,whoputthemupafterthey'dbeenlyingaboutforamonth?"saidCelia."Idid."
"Andwhobumpedhisheadagainstthemthenextday?Idid."
"Yes,butthatwasn'treallyausefulthingtodo.It'syourturntobeuseful."
"Celia,thisismutiny.Allhouseholdmattersaresupposedtobelookedafterbyyou.Idothebrainwork;Iearnthemoney;Icannotbe
botheredwiththeselittledomesticworries.Ihavesaidsobefore."
"Isortofthoughtyouhad."
Youknow,Iamafraidthatistrue.
"Afterall,"shewenton,"thedrinksareinyourdepartment."
"Hock,perhaps,"Isaid;"soapywater,no.Thereisadifference."
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"Notverymuch,"saidCelia.
BytheendofanotherweekIwasgettingseriouslyalarmed.IbegantofearthatunlessIwatcheditverycarefullyIshouldbeimprovingmyselftoomuch.
"Whilethewaterwasrunningoutthismorning,"IsaidtoCelia,asIstartedmybreakfastjustaboutlunch-time,"IgotParadiseLostoffbyheart,andmadefivehundredandninety-sixrevolutionswiththebackpaws.Andthenitwastimetoshavemyselfagain.Whatalifeforabusyman!"
"Idon'tknowifyouknowthatit'sno----"
"Beginagain,"Isaid.
"--thatit'snogoodwaitingforthelastinchortwotogooutbyitself.Becauseitwon't.Youhaveto--tohooshitout."
"Ido.AndIsitonthetapslookinglikeafullmoonandtrytodrawitout.Butit'snogood.Wehadaneaptideto-dayandIhadtohooshfourinches.Jolly."
Celiagaveasighofresignation.
"Allright,"shesaid,"I'llgototheplumberto-day."
"Nottheplumber,"Ibegged."Onthecontrary.Theplumberisthemanwhostopstheleaks.Whatwereallywantisanunplumber."
Wefellintosilenceagain.
"Buthowsillyweare!"criedCeliasuddenly."Ofcourse!"
"What'sthematternow?"
"Thebathisthelandlord'sbusiness!Writeandtellhim."
"But--butwhatshallIsay?"SomehowIknewCeliawouldputitontome.
"Why,just--say.Whenyou'repayingtherent,youknow."
"I--Isee."
Iretiredtothelibraryandthoughtitout.Ihatewritingbusinessletters.Theresultisamixtureofformalityandchattinesswhichseemstomeallwrong.
Myfirstlettertothelandlordwentlikethis:--
"DEARSIR,--Ienclosechequeinpaymentoflastquarter'srent.Ourbathwon'trunoutproperly.Yoursfaithfully."
Itisdifficulttosayjustwhatiswrongwiththatletter,andyetitisobviousthatsomethinghashappenedtoit.Itisn'tright.Itriedagain.
"DEARSIR,--Enclosedpleasefindchequeinpaymentofenclosedaccount.Imustaskyoueithertoenlargetheexittoourbathortosupplyanemergencydoor.Atpresentmymorningandeveningbathsareinserious
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dangerofclashing.Yoursfaithfully."
Mythirdattempthadmorestinginit:--
"DEARSIR,--UnlessyoudosomethingtoourbathIcannotsendyouenclosedchequeinpaymentofenclosedaccount.OtherwiseIwouldhave.Yoursfaithfully."
AtthispointIwhistledtoCeliaandlaidthelettersbeforeher.
"Youseewhatitis,"Isaid."I'mnotquitegettingthenote."
"Butyou'resoabrupt,"shesaid."Youmustrememberthatthisisallcomingquiteasasurprisetohim.Youwanttoleaduptoitmoregradually."
"Ah,perhapsyou'reright.Let'stryagain."
Itriedagain,withthisresult:--
"DEARSIR,--Insendingyouachequeinpaymentoflastquarter'srentIfeelImusttellyouhowcomfortablewearehere.Theonlyinconvenience--anditisindeedatriflingone,dearSir--whichwehaveexperiencedisinconnectionwiththebathroom.Elegantlyappointedand
spaciousasthisroomis,commodiousaswefindtheactualbathitself,yetwefeelthatinthematterofthewaste-pipethehighstandardofefficiencysodiscernibleelsewhereissadlylacking.WereIaloneIshouldnotcomplain;butunfortunatelytherearetwoofus;and,forthesecondone,thewearinessofwaitingwhilethewatersofthefirstbathexudedropbydropisalmostmorethancanbeborne.Ispeakwithknowledge,foritisIwho----"
ItoretheletterupandturnedtoCelia.
"I'mafool,"Isaid."I'vejustthoughtofsomethingwhichwillsavemeallthisrottenbusinesseverymorning."
"I'msoglad.Whatisit?"
"Why,ofcourse--infutureIwillgotothebathfirst."
AndIdo.Itisaridiculouslysimplesolution,andIcannotthinkwhyitneveroccurredtomebefore.
ATRUNKCALL
LastWednesday,beingtheanniversaryoftheWednesdaybefore,Celiagavemeapresentofadoor-knocker.Theknockerwasintheshapeofanelephant'shead(notlife-size);andbybumpingtheanimal'strunkagainsthischinyoucouldproduceasmallbrassnoise.
"It'sforthelibrary,"sheexplainedeagerly."You'regoingtoworktherethismorning,aren'tyou?"
"Yes,Ishallbeverybusy,"Isaidinmybusyvoice.
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"Well,justputitupbeforeyoustart,andthenifIhavetointerruptyouforanythingimportant,Icanknockwithit.Dosayyouloveit."
"It'sadear,andsoareyou.Comealong,let'sputitup."
Igotasmallscrew-driver,andwithverylittlelossofbloodmanagedtoscrewitintothedoor.Somepeoplearebornscrewists,somearenot.Iamoneofthenots.
"It'srathersideways,"saidCeliadoubtfully.
"Ossoerry,"Isaid.
"What?"
Itookmyknucklefrommymouth.
"Notsovery,"Irepeated.
"Iwishithadbeenstraight."
"SodoI;butit'stoolatenow.Youhavetoleavethesethingsverylargelytothescrew-driver.Besides,elephantsoftendohavetheir
headssideways;I'venoticeditattheZoo.""Well,nevermind.Ithinkit'sverycleverofyoutodoitatall.Nowthen,yougoin,andI'llknockandseeifyouhear."
Iwentinandshutthedoor,Celiaremainingoutside.Afterfiveseconds,havingheardnothing,butnotwishingtodisappointher,Isaid,"Comein,"inthevoiceofonewhohasbeensuddenlydisturbedbyaloud"rat-tat."
"Ihaven'tknockedyet,"saidCeliafromtheothersideofthedoor.
"Whynot?"
"Iwasadmiringhim.Heisjolly.Docomeandlookathimagain."
Iwentoutandlookedathimagain.Hereallygaveanairtothelibrarydoor.
"Hisfaceisratherdirty,"saidCelia."Ithinkhewantssomebrasspolishanda--andabun."
Sheranofftothekitchen.IremainedbehindwithJumboandhadalittlepractice.Theknockwasnotaltogetherconvincing,owingtothefactthathischinwastoorecedingforhistrunktogetatitproperly.Icouldhearitquiteeasilyonmyownsideofthedoor,butIfelt
ratherdoubtfulwhetherthesoundwouldpenetrateintotheroom.Thenaturalnoiseoftheelephant--roar,bark,whistle,orwhateveritis--Ihaveneverheard,butIamtolditisveryterribletodenizensofthejungle.Jumbo'scrywouldnothavealarmedanant.
CeliacamebackwithflannelsandthingsandwashedJumbo'sface.
"There!"shesaid."Nowhismotherwouldlovehimagain."Veryconfidentlyshepropelledhistrunkagainsthischinandadded,"Comein."
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"Youcanhearitquiteplainly,"Isaidquickly.
"Itdoesn'tre--rever--reverberate--isthattheword?"saidCelia,"butit'squiteadistinctivenoise.I'msureyou'dhearit."
"I'msureIshould.Let'stry."
"Notnow.I'lltrylateron,whenyouaren'texpectingit.Besides,youmustbeginyourwork.Good-bye.Workhard."Shepushedmeinandshutthedoor.
Ibegantowork.
Iworkbestonthesofa;Ithinkmostclearlyinwhatappearstothehastyobservertobeanattitudeofrest.ButIamnotsurethatCeliareallyunderstandsthisyet.Accordingly,whenaknockcomesatthedoorIjumptomyfeet,rufflemyhair,andstrideupanddowntheroomwithonehandonmybrow."Comein,"Icallimpatiently,andCeliafindsmeabsolutelyinthethroes.Ifthereshouldchancetobeasecondknocklateron,Imakeasprintforthewriting-desk,seizepenandpaper,upsettheinkornotasithappens,andpresenttoanyonecominginatthedoorthemostthoroughlyengrossedbackinLondon.
Butthatwasinthegoodolddaysofknuckle-knocking.OnthisparticularmorningIhadhardlywrittenmorethanacoupleofthousandwords--ImeanIhadhardlygotthecushionsatthebackofmyheadcomfortablysettledwhenCeliacamein.
"Well?"shesaideagerly.
Istruggledoutofthesofa.
"Whatisit?"Iaskedsternly.
"Didyouhearitallright?"
"Ididn'thearanything."
"Oh!"shesaidingreatdisappointment."Butperhapsyouwereasleep,"shewentonhopefully.
"Certainlynot.Iwasworking."
"DidIinterruptyou?"
"Youdidrather;butitdoesn'tmatter."
"Oh,well,Iwon'tdoitagain--unlessIreallyhaveto.Good-bye,andgoodluck."
ShewentoutandIreturnedtomysofa.Afteranhourorsomymindbegantogettowork,andIgotupandwalkedslowlyupanddowntheroom.Thegentleexerciseseemedtostimulateme.Seeingmynewputterinthecorneroftheroom,Itookitup(mybrainfullofotherthings)and,droppingagolfballonthecarpet,begantopractise.Afterfiveortenminutes,myideasbeingnowquiteclear,IwasjustabouttosubstitutethepenfortheputterwhenCeliacamein.
"Oh!"shesaid."Are--areyoubusy?"
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Iturnedroundfromadifficultputtwiththeclubinmyhand.
"Very,"Isaid."Whatisit?"
"Idon'twanttodisturbyouifyou'reworking----"
"Iam."
"ButIjustwonderedifyou--ifyoulikedartichokes."
Ilookedathercoldly.
"Iwillfillinyourconfessionbookanothertime,"Isaidstiffly,andIsatdownwithdignityatmydeskanddippedtheputterintheink.
"It'sfordinnerto-night,"saidCeliapersuasively."Dosay.BecauseIdon'twanttoeatthemallbymyself."
IsawthatIshouldhavetohumourher.
"Ifit'saJerusalemartichokeyoumean,yes,"Isaid;"theothersort,no.J.ArthurChokeIlove."
"Right-o.Sorryforinterrupting."Andthenasshewenttothedoor,"YoudidhearJumbothistime,didn'tyou?"
"Ibelievethat'stheonlyreasonyoucameinfor."
"Well,oneofthem."
"Areyoucominginagain?"
"Don'tknow,"shesmiled."DependsifIcanthinkofanexcuse."
"Right,"Isaid."Inthatcase----"
Therewasnothingelseforit;Itookupmypenandbegantowork.
ButIhaveasuggestiontomaketoCelia.Atpresent,althoughJumboisreallymine,sheishavingallthefunwithhim.AndaslongasJumboisontheoutsideofthedoortherecanneverriseanoccasionwhenIshouldwanttousehim.MyideaisthatIshouldunscrewJumboandputhimontheinsideofthedoor,sothatIcanknockwhenIcomeout.
AndthenwhenCeliawantstocomeinshewillwarnmeintheold-fashionedwaywithherknuckles...andIshallhavetimetodosomethingaboutit.
OTHERPEOPLE'SHOUSES
THEPARTINGGUEST
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Whennicepeopleaskmetotheirhousesfortheweek-end,IreplythatIshallbedelightedtocome,butthatpressureofworkwillpreventmystayingbeyondTuesday.Sometimes,inspiteofthis,theytrytokickmeoutontheMonday;andifIfindthattheyareseriousaboutitImaypossiblyconsenttogobyaneveningtrain.Inanycase,italwaysseemstomeapitytohavetoleaveahousejustasyouarebeginningtoknowyourwaytothebathroom.
"Isthe9.25tooearlyforyou?"saidCharlesonSundaynightÃproposofnothingthatIhadsaid.
"Notifit'sintheevening,"Ianswered.
"It'sinthemorning."
"Thenit'smuchtooearly.Inevertravelbeforebreakfast.Butwhydoyouask?"
"Well,I'vegottorideovertoNewtownto-morrow----"
"To-morrow?"Isaidinsurprise."Aren'twetalkingaboutTuesday?"
Itappearedthatweweren't.ItalsocameoutthatCharlesandhiswife,notanticipatingthepleasureofmycompanybeyondMonday,hadarranged
torideoverthedownstoNewtowntoinspectahorse.Theywouldnotbebackuntiltheevening.
"Butthat'sallright,Charles,"Isaid."Ifyouhaveasparehorse,asteadyonewhichdoesn'twobblewhenitcanters,Iwillridewithyou."
"There'sonlytheoldpony,"saidCharles,"andhewillbewantedtodriveyoutothestation."
"NotuntilTuesday,"Ipointedout.
Charlesignoredthisremarkaltogether.
"Youcouldn'trideJoseph,anyway,"hesaid.
"ThenImightrunbesideyou,holdingontoyourstirrup.Myancestorsalwayswentintobattlelikethat.Wearestillgoodrunners."
Charlesturnedoversomemorepagesofhistimetable.
"Thereisa10.41,"heannounced.
"JustwhenIshallbegettingtolikeyou,"Isighed.
"MollyandIhavetobeoffbyten.Ifyoucaughtthe10.41,youwouldwanttoleaveherebyaquarterpast."
"Ishouldn'twanttoleave,"Isaidreproachfully;"Ishouldgowiththegreatestregret."
"The9.25,ofcourse,getsyouuptotownmuchearlier."
"Somesuchidea,nodoubt,wouldaccountforitsstartingbeforethe10.41.Whathaveyouatabout4.30?"
"Ifyoudon'tmindchangingatPlimton,there'sa10.5----"
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Igotupandlitmycandle.
"Let'swaittillto-morrowandseewhattheweather'slike,"Isaidsleepily."Iamnotaproudman,butafterwhatyou'vesaid,andifit'satallwet,Imayactuallybegladtocatchanearlytrain."AndImarchedupstairstobed.
However,awonderfulblueskynextmorningmadeanytalkofLondonutterlyoffensive.MyhostandhostesshadfinishedbreakfastbythetimeIgotdown,andIwasjustbeginningmyownwhenthesoundofthehorsesonthegravelbroughtmeout.
"I'msorrywe'vegottodashofflikethis,"saidMrs.Charles,smilingatmefromthebackofPompey."Don'tyoubeinanyhurrytogo.Thereareplentyoftrains."
"Thankyou.Itwouldbeashametoleavethecountryonamorninglikethis,wouldn'tit?Ishalltakeastrolloverthehillsbeforelunch,andsitaboutinthegardenintheafternoon.There'satrainatfive,Ithink."
"Weshan'tbebackbythen,I'mafraid,sothiswillbegood-bye."
Imademyfarewells,andPompey,whowasratherfresh,wentoffsidewaysdownthedrive.ThisleftmealonewithCharles.
"Good-bye,Charles,"Isaid,pattinghimwithonehandandhishorsewiththeother."Don'tyoubotheraboutme.Ishallbequitehappybymyself."
Helookedatmewithacurioussmileandwasapparentlyabouttosaysomething,whenCæsarsuddenlycaughtsightofmystockings.These,thoughinrealityperfectlytasteful,mightwellcomeasasurprisetoayounghorse,andCæsarbolteddownthedrivetotellPompeyaboutit.Iwavedtothemallfromthedistanceandreturnedtomybreakfast.
AfterbreakfastIlitapipeandstrolledoutside.AsIstoodatthedoordrinkinginthebeautyofthemorningIwasthevictimofacuriousillusion.Itseemedtomethatoutsidethefrontdoorwasthepony-cart--Josephintheshafts,thegardener'sboyholdingthereins,andbythesideoftheboymybag!
"We'llonlyjusthavetime,sir,"saidtheboy.
"But--butI'mgoingbythefivetrain,"Istammered.
"Well,sir,IshallbeoveratNewtownthisafternoon--withthecart."
Ididnotliketoaskhimwhy,butIthoughtIknew.Itwas,Itold
myself,tofetchbackthehorsewhichCharleswasgoingovertoinspect,thehorsetowhichIhadtogiveupmyroomthatnight.
"Verywell,"Isaid."Takethebagnowandleaveitinthecloak-room.I'llwalkinlater."Whattheetiquettewaswhenyourhostgaveyouahintbysendingyourbagtothestationandgoingawayhimself,Ididnotknow.Buthowevermanybagshepackedandhowevermanyhorsesheinspected,Iwasnottobemovedtillthefiveo'clocktrain.
HalfanhouraftermybagwasgoneImadeadiscovery.Itwasthat,when
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Istartedwalkingtothefiveo'clocktrain,Ishouldhavetostartinpumps....
.....
"MydearCharles,"Iwrotethatnight,"itwasdelightfultoseeyouthisweek-end,andIonlywishIcouldhavestayedwithyoulonger,but,asyouknow,Ihadtodashuptotownbythefivetraintoinspectamule.IamsorrytosaythataslightaccidenthappenedjustbeforeIleftyou.Inthegeneralway,whenIcatchanafternoontrain,Iliketopackmybagovernight,butonthisoccasionIdidnotbeginuntilnineinthemorning.Thisonlyleftmeeighthours,andtheresultwasthatinmyhurryIpackedmyshoesbymistake,andhadtoborrowapairofyoursinwhichtowalktothestation.IwillbringthemdownwithmenexttimeIcome."
Imaysaythattheyareunusuallygoodshoes,andifCharlesdoesn'twantmehemustatleastwantthem.SoIamexpectinganotherinvitationbyeverypost.WhenitarrivesIshallreplythatIshallbedelightedtocome,butthat,alas!pressureofworkwillpreventmystayingbeyondTuesday.
THELANDSCAPEGARDENER
ReallyIknownothingaboutflowers.Byabitofluck,James,mygardener,whomIpayhalfacrownaweekforcombingthebeds,knowsnothingaboutthemeither;somyignoranceremainsundiscovered.Butinotherpeople'sgardensIhavetomakesomethingofanefforttokeepupappearances.WithoutflatteringmyselfImaysaythatIhaveacquiredacertainmanner;Igivetheimpressionofthegardenlover,orthemanwithsharesinaseedcompany,or--orsomething.
Forinstance,atCreekCottage,Mrs.Atherleywillsaytome,"That'san
AmphilobertusGemini,"pointingtosomethingwhichIhadn'tnoticedbehindarake.
"Iamnotabitsurprised,"Isaycalmly.
"AndaGladiophiniumBanksiinexttoit."
"Isuspectedit,"Iconfessinahoarsewhisper.
TowardsflowerswhosenamesIknowIadoptadifferenttone.
"Aren'tyousurprisedtoseedaffodilsoutsoearly?"saysMrs.Atherleywithpride.
"TherearelotsoutinLondon,"Imentioncasually."Intheshops."
"Sotherearegrapes,"saysMissAtherley.
"Iwasnottalkingaboutgrapes,"Ireplystiffly.
However,atCreekCottagejustnowIcanaffordtobenatural;foritisnotgardeningwhichcomesunderdiscussionthesedays,butlandscape-gardening,andanyonecanbeanauthorityonthat.The
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Atherleys,firedbymytalesofSandringham,Chatsworth,Arundel,andotherplaceswhereIamconstantlyspendingtheweek-end,arereadjustingtheirtwo-acrefield.Infutureitwillnotbecalled"thegarden,"but"thegrounds."
IwasprivilegedtobeshownoverthegroundsonmylastvisittoCreekCottage.
"Here,"saidMrs.Atherley,"wearehavingaplantation.Itwillkeepthewindoff;andweshalloftensithereintheearlydaysofsummer.That'saweepingashinthemiddle.There'sanotheroneoverthere.They'llbelovely,youknow."
"What'sthat?"Iasked,pointingtoabitofblackstickontheleft;which,evenmorethantheothertrees,gavetheimpressionofhavingbeenlefttherebythegardenerwhilehewentforhislunch.
"That'saweepingwillow."
"Thisisratheratearfulcornerofthegrounds,"apologizedMissAtherley."We'llshowyousomethingbrighterdirectly.Lookthere--that'stheoakinwhichKingCharleslayhid.Atleast,itwillbewhenit'sgrownabit."
"Let'sgoontotheshrubbery,"saidMrs.Atherley."Wearehavinganewgrasspathfromheretotheshrubbery.It'sgoingtobecalledHenry'sWalk."
MissAtherleyhasasmallbrothercalledHenry.AlsotherewereeightKingsofEnglandcalledHenry.ManyatimeandoftoneofthosenineHenryshaspacedupanddownthisgrassywalk,hisheadbent,hishandsclaspedbehindhisback;whilebehindhisfurrowedbrow,whoshallsaywhatworld-schemeswerehatching?IsitthethoughtofWolseywhichmakeshimfrown--orishewonderingwherehelefthiscatapult?Ah!whocantellus?Letusleaveaveilofmysteryoverit...forthesakeofthenextvisitor.
"Theshrubbery,"saidMrs.Atherleyproudly,wavingherhandatacoupleoflaurelbushesanda--I'veforgottenitsnamenow,butitisoneofthefewshrubsIreallyknow.
"Andifyou'reagentleman,"saidMissAtherley,"andwanttogetaskedhereagain,you'llalwayscallittheshrubbery."
"Really,Idon'tseewhatelseyoucouldcallit,"Isaid,wishingtobeaskeddownagain.
"Thepatch."
"True,"Isaid."Imean,Nonsense."
Iwasratherlateforbreakfastnextmorning;apityonsuchalovelyspringday.
"I'msosorry,"Ibegan,"butIwaslookingattheshrubberyfrommywindowandIquiteforgotthetime."
"Good,"saidMissAtherley.
"Imustthankyouforputtingmeinsuchaperfectroomforit,"Iwenton,
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warmingtomysubject."Onecanactuallyseetheshrubs--er--shrubbing.Theplantation,too,seemsalittlethickertomethanyesterday."
"Iexpectitis."
"Infact,thetennislawn----"Ilookedroundanxiously.Ihadasuddenfearthatitmightbethenewdeer-park."Itstillisthetennislawn?"Iasked.
"Yes.Why,whataboutit?"
"Iwasonlygoingtosaythetennislawnhadquitealotofshadowsonit.Oh,there'snodoubtthattheplantationisreallyassertingitself."
Eleveno'clockfoundmestrollinginthegroundswithMissAtherley.
"Youknow,"Isaid,aswepacedHenry'sWalktogether,"theonethingtheplantationwantsisforabirdtonestinit.Thatisthehall-markofaplantation."
"It'smother'sbirthdayto-morrow.Wouldn'titbealovelysurpriseforher?"
"Itwould,indeed.Unfortunatelythisisamatterinwhichyourequiretheco-operationofafeatheredfriend."
"Couldn'tyoutrytopersuadeabirdtobuildanestintheweepingash?Justforthisonce?"
"You'reaskingmeaverydifficultthing,"Isaiddoubtfully."AnythingelseIwoulddocheerfullyforyou;buttodictatetoabirdonsuchaverydomesticaffair----No,I'mafraidImustrefuse."
"Itneedonlyjustbegintobuildone,"pleadedMissAtherley,"becausemother'sgoinguptotownbyyourtrainto-morrow.Assoonasshe'soutofthehousethebirdcangobackanywhereelseitlikes
better."
"IwillputthattoanybirdIseeto-day,"Isaid,"butIamdoubtful."
"Oh,well,"sighedMissAtherley,"nevermind."
.....
"Whatdoyouthink?"criedMrs.Atherleyasshecameintobreakfastnextday."There'sabirdbeennestingintheplantation!"
MissAtherleylookedatmeinundisguisedadmiration.Ilookedquitesurprised--IknowIdid.
"Well,well!"Isaid.
"Youmustcomeoutafterwardsandseethenestandtellmewhatbirditis.Therearethreeeggsinit.IamafraidIdon'tknowmuchaboutthesethings."
"I'mglad,"Isaidthankfully."Imean,Ishallbegladto."
Wewentouteagerlyafterbreakfast.Onabouttheonlytreeinthe
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plantationwithaforktoitanestbalancedprecariously.Ithadinitthreepale-blueeggssplotchedwithlightbrown.Itappearedtobeablackbird'snestwithanothereggortwotocome.
"It'sbeenveryquickaboutit,"saidMissAtherley.
"Ofourfeatheredbipeds,"Isaid,frowningather,"theblackbirdisnotoriouslythemosthasty."
"Isn'titlovely?"saidMrs.Atherley.
Shewasstilltalkingaboutitassheclimbedintothetrapwhichwastotakeustothestation.
"Onemoment,"Isaid,"I'veforgottensomething."Idashedintothehouseandoutbyasidedoor,andthensprintedfortheplantation.Itookthenestfromtheweepingandover-weightedashandputitcarefullybackinthehedgebythetennis-lawn.ThenIreturnedmoreleisurelytothehouse.
Ifyoueverwantajoboflandscape-gardeningthoroughlywelldone,youcanalwaysrelyuponme.
THESAMEOLDSTORY
Westoodinacircleroundtheparrot'scageandgazedwithinterestatitsoccupant.She(Evangeline)wasbalancingeasilyononeleg,whilewiththeotherlegandherbeakshetriedtopeelamonkey-nut.Therearesomeofuswhohatetobewatchedatmeals,particularlywhendealingwiththedessert,butEvangelineisnotofournumber.
"There,"saidMrs.Atherley,"isn'tsheabeauty?"
Ifeltthat,asthelasttobeintroduced,Ioughttosaysomething.
"Whatdoyousaytoaparrot?"IwhisperedtoMissAtherley.
"Haveabanana,"suggestedReggie.
"Ibelieveyousay,'Scratch-a-poll,'"saidMissAtherley,"butIdon'tknowwhy."
"Isn'tthatratherdangerous?Supposeitretorted'Scratchyourown,'Ishouldn'tknowabithowtogoon."
"Itcan'ttalk,"saidReggie."It'squiteababy--onlysevenmonthsold.
Butit'snogoodshowingityourwatch;youmustthinkofsomeotherwayofamusingit."
"Breakittome,Reggie.HaveIbeenaskeddownsolelytoamusetheparrot,ordidanyofyouotherswanttoseeme?"
"Onlytheparrot,"saidReggie.
Evangelinepaidnoattentiontous.Shecontinuedtowrestlewiththemonkey-nut.Ishouldsaythatshewasabirdnoteasilyamused.
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"Can'titreallytalkatall?"IaskedMrs.Atherley.
"Notyet.Yousee,she'sonlyjustcomeoverfromSouthAmerica,andisn'tusedtotheclimateyet."
"Butthat'sjustthepersonyou'dexpecttotalkalotabouttheweather.Ibelieveyou'vebeenhad.Writealittlenotetothepoulterersandaskifyoucanchangeit.You'vegotabadonebymistake."
"Wegotitasabird,"saidMrs.Atherleywithdignity,"notasagramophone."
ThenextmorningEvangelinewasassilentasever.MissAtherleyandIsurveyeditafterbreakfast.Itwasstillgrapplingwithamonkey-nut,butnodoubtadifferentone.
"Isn'titevergoingtotalk?"Iasked."Really,Ithoughtparrotswerecontinuallychatting."
"Yes,buttheyhavetobetaught--justlikeyouteachababy."
"Areyousure?Iquiteseethatyouhavetoteachthemanyspecial
thingsyouwantthemtosay,butIthoughttheywereallbornwithafewsimpleobviousremarks,like'PoorPolly,'or--or'DashLloydGeorge.'"
"Idon'tthinkso,"saidMissAtherley."Notthegreenones."
Atdinnerthatevening,Mr.Atherleybeingnowwithus,thequestionofEvangeline'seducationwasseriouslyconsidered.
"Theonlypropermethod,"beganMr.Atherley----"Bytheway,"hesaid,turningtome,"youdon'tknowanythingaboutparrots,doyou?"
"No,"Isaid."Youcangoonquitesafely."
"Theonlypropermethodofteachingaparrot--IgotthisfromamanintheCitythismorning--istogiveherawordatatime,andtogoonrepeatingitoverandoveragainuntilshe'sgotholdofit."
"Andafterthattheparrotgoesonrepeatingitoverandoveragainuntilyou'vegotsickofit,"saidReggie.
"Thenweshallhavetobeverycarefulwhatwordwechoose,"saidMrs.Atherley.
"Whatisyourfavouriteword?"
"Well,really----"
"Animal,vegetable,ormineral?"askedArchie.
"Thisisquiteimpossible.Everywordbyitselfseemssosilly."
"Not'home'and'mother,'"Isaidreproachfully.
"Youshallreciteyourlittlepieceinthedrawing-roomafterwards,"saidMissAtherleytome."Thinkofsomethingsensiblenow."
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"Yes,"saidMrs.Atherley."What'sthelatestwordfromLondon?"
"Kikuyu."
"What?"
"Ican'tsayitagain,"Iprotested.
"Ifyoucan'tevensayittwice,it'snogoodforEvangeline."
Athoughtfulsilencefelluponus.
"Haveyoufixedonanameforheryet?"MissAtherleyaskedhermother.
"Evangeline,ofcourse."
"No,Imeananameforhertocallyou.Becauseifshe'sgoingtocallyou'Auntie'or'Darling,'orwhateveryoudecideon,you'dbetterstartbyteachingherthat."
AndthenIhadabrilliantidea.
"I'vegottheveryword,"Isaid."It's'hallo.'Yousee,it'sapleasantformofgreetingtoanystranger,anditwillgoperfectlywith
thenextwordthatshe'staught,whateveritmaybe.""Supposingit's'wardrobe,'"suggestedReggie,"or'sardine'?"
"Whynot?'Hallo,Sardine'istheperfecttitleforarevue.Witty,subtle,neat--probablythegreatbrainoftheRevueKinghasalreadyevolvedit,andisplanningtheopeningscene."
"Yes,'hallo'isn'tatallbad,"saidMr.Atherley."Anyway,it'sbetterthan'PoorPolly,'whichissimplymorbid.Let'sfixon'hallo.'"
"Good,"saidMrs.Atherley.
Evangelinesaidnothing,beingasleepunderherblanket.
.....
Iwasdownfirstnextmorning,havingforgottentowindupmywatchovernight.Longingforcompany,ItooktheblanketoffEvangeline'scageandintroducedhertotheworldagain.Shestirredsleepily,openedhereyesandblinkedatme.
"Hallo,Evangeline,"Isaid.
Shemadenoreply.
Suddenlyasplendidschemeoccurredtome.IwouldteachEvangelineherwordnow.Howitwouldsurprisetheotherswhentheycamedownandsaid"Hallo"toher,tofindthemselvespromptlyansweredback!
"Evangeline,"Isaid,"listen.Hallo,hallo,hallo,hallo."Istoppedamomentandwentonmoreslowly."Hallo--hallo--hallo."
Itwasdullwork.
"Hallo,"Isaid,"hallo--hallo--hallo,"andthenverydistinctly,
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"Hal-lo."
Evangelinelookedatmewithanutterlyboredface.
"Hallo,"Isaid,"hallo--hallo."
Shepickedupamonkey-nutandateitlanguidly.
"Hallo,"Iwenton,"hallo,hallo...hallo,hallo,HALLO,HALLO...hallo,hallo----"
Shedroppedhernutandrousedherselfforamoment.
"Numberengaged,"shesnapped,andtookanothernut.
.....
Youneedn'tbelievethis.Theothersdidn'twhenItoldthem.
THESPREADINGWALNUTTREE
Wewerehavingbreakfastinthegardenwiththewasps,andPeterwasenlargingonthebeautiesofthecountryroundhisnewweek-endcottage.
"Thenthere'sHilderton,"hesaid;"that'salovelylittlevillage,I'mtold.Wemightexploreitto-morrow."
Celiawokeupsuddenly.
"IsHildertonnearhere?"sheaskedinsurprise."ButIoftenstayedtherewhenIwasachild."
"Thiswasyearsago,whenEdwardtheSeventhwasonthethrone,"I
explainedtoMrs.Peter.
"Mygrandfather,"wentonCelia,"livedatHildertonHall."
Therewasanimpressivesilence.
"Youseethesortofpeopleyou'reentertaining,"IsaidairilytoPeter."Mywife'sgrandfatherlivedatHildertonHall.Celia,youshouldhavespokenaboutthisbefore.ItwouldhavedoneusalotofgoodinSociety."Ipushedmyplateaway."Ican'tgooneatingbaconafterthis.Bringmepeaches."
"Ishouldlovetoseeitagain."
"IfI'dhadmyrights,"Isaid,"Ishouldbelivingtherenow.Imustputmysolicitorontothis.There'sbeenfoulplaysomewhere."
Peterlookedupfromoneofthemapswhich,beingnewtothecountry,hecarrieswithhim.
"Ican'tfindHildertonHallhere,"hesaid."It'ssixinchestothemile,soitoughttobemarked."
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"Celia,ourgrandfather'snameisbeingaspersed.Letuslookintothis."
Wecrowdedroundthemapandstudieditanxiously.Hildertonwasthere,andHildertonHouse,butnoHildertonHall.
"Butit'sagreatbigplace,"protestedCelia.
"Iseewhatitis,"Isaidregretfully."Celia,youwereyoungthen."
"Ten."
"Ten.Andnaturallyitseemedbigtoyou,justasYarrowseemedbigtoWordsworth,andashillingseemsalottoababy.Butreally----"
"Really,"saidPeter,"itwassemi-detached."
"AndyoursidewascalledHildertonHallandtheothersideHildertonCastle."
"Idon'tbelieveitwasevencalledHildertonHall,"saidPeter."ItwasHildertonVilla."
"Idon'tbelievesheeverhadagrandfatheratall,"saidMrs.Peter.
"Shemusthavehadagrandfather,"Ipointedout."ButI'mafraidheneverlivedatHildertonHall.Thisisagreatblowtome,andIshallnowresumemybacon."
IdrewmyplatebackandPeterreturnedhismaptohispocket.
"You'reallveryfunny,"saidCelia,"butIknowitwasHildertonHall.I'veagoodmindtotakeyoutherethismorningandshowittoyou."
"Do,"saidPeterandIeagerly.
"It'sagreatbigplace----"
"That'swhatwe'recomingtosee,"Iremindedher.
"Ofcoursetheymayhavesoldsomeoftheland,or--Imean,IknowwhenIusedtostaythereitwasa--agreatbigplace.Ican'tpromisethatit----"
"It'snogoodnow,Celia,"Isaidsternly."Youshouldn'thaveboasted."
Hildertonwasfourmilesoff,andwebegantoapproachit--Celiapalpablynervous--atabouttwelveo'clockthatmorning.
"Areyourecognizinganyofthis?"askedPeter.
"N-no.YouseeIwasonlyabouteight----"
"Youmustrecognisethechurch,"Isaid,pointingtoit."Ifyoudon't,itproveseitherthatyouneverlivedatHildertonorthatyouneversanginthechoir.Idon'tknowwhichthoughtisthemoredistressing.Nowwhataboutthisplace?Isthisit?"
Celiapeeredupthedrive.
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"N-no;atleastIdon'trememberit.Iknowtherewasawalnuttreeinfrontofthehouse."
"Isthatallyouremember?"
"Well,Iwasonlyaboutsix----"
PeterandIbothhadaslightcoughatthesametime.
"It'snothing,"saidPeter,findingCelia'sindignanteyeuponhim."Let'sgoon."
Wefoundtwomorebighouses,butCelia,alittledoubtfully,rejectedthemboth.
"Mygrandfather-in-lawwasveryhardtoplease,"IapologizedtoPeter."HepassedoverplaceafterplacebeforehefinallyfixedonHildertonHall.Eithertheheronrywasn'tventilatedproperly,orthedecoypondshadthewrongkindofmud,or----"
TherewasasuddencryfromCelia.
"Thisisit,"shesaid.
Shestoodattheentrancetoalongdrive.Afewchimneyscouldbeseeninthedistance.Oneithersideofthegateswasahighwall.
"Idon'tseethewalnuttree,"Isaid.
"Ofcoursenot,becauseyoucan'tseethefrontofthehouse.ButIfeelcertainthatthisistheplace."
"Wewantmoreproofthanthat,"saidPeter."Wemustgoinandfindthewalnuttree."
"Wecan'tallwanderintoanotherman'sgroundslookingforwalnuttrees,"Isaid,"withnobetterexcusethanthatCelia's
great-grandmotherwasonceaskeddownherefortheweek-endandstayedforafortnight.We----"
"Mygrandfather,"saidCeliacoldly,"livedhere."
"Well,whateveritwas,"Isaid,"wemustinventaproperreason.Peter,youmightpretendyou'vecometoinspectthegas-meterorthemilkorsomething.OrperhapsCeliahadbetterdisguiseherselfasaSuffragetteandsaythatshe'scometoborrowaboxofmatches.Anyhow,oneofusmustgettothefrontofthehousetosearchforthiswalnuttree."
"It--itseemsrathercheek,"saidCeliadoubtfully.
"We'lltossupwhogoes."
Wetossed,andofcourseIlost.Iwentupthedrivenervously.AtthefirstturnIdecidedtobeaninsuranceinspector,atthenextascout-master,but,asIapproachedthefrontdoor,Ithoughtofaverysimpleexcuse.Irangthebellundertheeyesofseveralpeopleatlunchandlookedabouteagerlyforthewalnuttree.
Therewasnone.
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"DoesMr.--er--Erasmus--er--Percivallivehere?"Iaskedthefootman.
"No,sir,"hesaid--luckily.
"Ah!Wasthereeverawalnut--ImeanwasthereeveraMr.Percivalwholivedhere?Ah!Thankyou,"andIspeddownthedriveagain.
"Well?"saidCeliaeagerly.
"Mr.Percivaldoesn'tlivethere."
"Whoever'sMr.Percival?"
"Oh,Iforgot;youdon'tknowhim.Friends,"Iaddedsolemnly,"Iregrettotellyouthereisnowalnuttree."
"Iamnotsurprised,"saidPeter.
Thewalkhomewasasilentone.FortherestofthedayCeliawasthoughtful.Butattheendofdinnershebrightenedupalittleandjoinedintheconversation.
"AtHildertonHall,"shesaidsuddenly,"wealways----"
"H'r'm,"Isaid,clearingmythroatloudly."Peter,passCeliathewalnuts."
.....
IhavehadgreatfuninLondonthisweekwiththewalnutjoke,thoughCeliasayssheisgettingtiredofit.ButIhadaletterfromPeterto-daywhichendedlikethis:--
"Bytheway,Iwasanasslastweek.ItookyoutoBanfieldinmistakeforHilderton.IwenttoHildertonyesterdayandfoundHildertonHall--alargeplacewithawalnuttree.It'salittlewayoutofthevillage,andismarkedbigonthenextsectionofthe
maptotheonewewerelookingat.YoumighttellCelia."
True,Imight....
PerhapsinaweekortwoIshall.
DEFINITIONS
AssoonaswehadjoinedtheladiesafterdinnerGeraldtookupa
positioninfrontofthefire.
"Nowthatthelongwintereveningsareuponus,"hebegan----
"Anyhow,it'salwaysdarkathalf-pastnine,"saidNorah.
"Notinthemorning,"saidDennis,whohastobeexcusedforanythingfoolishhesayssincehebecameobsessedwithgolf.
"Pleasedon'tinterrupt,"Ibegged."Geraldismakingaspeech."
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"Iwasonlygoingtosaythatwemighthavealittlegameofsomesort.Norah,what'sthelatestparlourgamefromLondon?"
"Tellyouruncle,"Iurged,"howyouamuseyourselvesattheLyceum."
"Doyouknow'HuntthePencil'?"
"No.Whatdoyoudo?"
"Youcollectfivepencils;whenyou'vegotthem,I'lltellyouanothergame."
"Botherthesepencilgames,"saidDennis,takinganimaginaryswingwithapaper-knife."Ihopeitisn'ttoobrainy."
"You'llwanttoknowhowtospell,"saidNorahseverely,andshewenttothewriting-deskforsomepaper.
Inalittlewhile--say,halfanhour--wehadeachasheetofpaperandapencil,andNorahwasreadytoexplain.
"It'scalledDefinitions.Iexpectyouallknowit."
Weassuredherwedidn't."Well,youbeginbywritingdownfiveorsixletters,oneunderneaththeother.Wemighteachsuggestone.'E.'"
Weweighedinwithours,andtheresultwasEPADU.
"Nowyouwritethembackwards."
Therewasamoment'sconsternation.
"Like'bath-mat'?"saidDennis."An'e'backwardslookssosilly."
"Stupid--likethis,"explainedNorah.Sheshowedusherpaper.
EUPDAADPUE
"Thisisthrilling,"saidMrs.Gerald,pencillinghard.
"Theneverybodyhastofillinwordsallthewaydown,yourfirstwordbeginningwith'e'andendingwith'u,'andsoon.See?"
GeraldleantoverDennisandexplainedcarefullytohim,andinalittlewhileweallsaw.
"Then,wheneverybody'sfinished,wedefineourwordsinturn,andthepersonwhoguessesawordfirstgetsamark.That'sall."
"Andaverygoodgametoo,"Isaid,andIrubbedmyheadandbegantothink.
"Ofcourse,"saidNorah,afteraquarterofanhour'ssilence,"youwant
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tomakethewordsdifficultanddefinethemassubtlyaspossible."
"Ofcourse,"Isaid,wrestlingwith'E--U.'Icouldonlythinkofoneword,anditwastheoneeverybodyelsewascertaintohave.
"Areweallready?Thensomebodybegin."
"You'dbetterbegin,Norah,asyouknowthegame,"saidMrs.Gerald.
Wepreparedtobegin.
"Mine,"saidNorah,"isabird."
"Emu,"weallshouted;butIswearIwasfirst.
"Yes."
"Idon'tthinkthat'saverysubtledefinition,"saidDennis."Youpromisedtobeassubtleaspossible."
"Goon,dear,"saidGeraldtohiswife.
"Well,thisisratherawkward.Mineis----"
"Emu,"Isuggested."Youmustwaittillshehasdefinedit,"saidNorahsternly.
"Mineisasortoffeatheredanimal."
"Emu,"Isaidagain.Infact,weallsaidit.
Geraldcoughed."Mine,"hesaid,"isn'texactlya--fish,becauseit----"
"Emu,"saideverybody.
"Thatwassubtler,"saidDennis,"butitdidn'tdeceiveus."
"Yourturn,"saidNorahtome.Andtheyallleantforwardreadytosay"Emu."
"Mine,"Isaid,"is--allright,Dennis,youneedn'tlooksoexcited--isawordIonceheardamansayattheZoo."
Therewasashriekof"Emu!"
"Wrong,"Isaid.
Everybodywassilent.
"Wheredidhesayit?"askedNorahatlast."Whatwashedoing?"
"HewasstandingoutsidetheEmu'scage."
"ItmusthavebeenEmu."
"Itwasn't."
"Perhapsthere'sanotheranimalbeginningwith'e'andendingwith'u,'"suggestedDennis."Hemighthavesaid,'Lookhere,I'mtiredofthisold
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Emu,let'sgoandseetheE-doesn't-mu,'orwhateverit'scalled."
"Weshallhavetogiveitup,"saidNorahatlast."Whatisit?"
"Ebu,"Iannounced."Mymanhadabadcold,andhesaid,'Look,Baria,there'sadEbu.'Er--whatdoIgetforthat?"
"Nothing,"saidNorahcoldly."Itisn'tfair.Now,Mr.Dennis."
"MineisnotEmu,anditcouldn'tbemistakenforEmu;notevenifyouhadasorethroatandasprainedankle.AndithasnothingtodowiththeZoo,and----"
"Well,whatisit?"
"It'swhatyousayatgolfwhenyoumissashortputt."
"Idoubtit,"Isaid.
"NotwhatGeraldsays,"saidhiswife.
"Well,it'swhatyoumightsay.WhatHoracewouldhavesaid."
"'Eheu'--good,"saidGerald,whilehiswifewasasking"Horacewho?"
Wemovedontothenextword,P--D.
"Mine,"saidNorah,"iswhatyoumightdotoamanwhomyoudidn'tlike,butit'sadelightfulthingtohaveandatthesametimeyouwouldhatetobeinit."
"Areyousureyouknowwhatyouaretalkingabout,dear?"saidMrs.Geraldgently.
"Quite,"saidNorahwiththeconfidenceofextremeyouth.
"Couldyousayitagainveryslowly,"askedDennis,"indicatingby
changesinthevoicewhichcharacterisspeaking?"
Shesaiditagain.
"'Pound,'"saidGerald."Good--onetome."
Mrs.Geraldhad"pod,"Geraldhad"pond";buttheydidn'tdefinethemverycleverlyandtheyweresoonguessed.Mine,unfortunately,wasalsoguessedatonce.
"ItiswhatDennis'sgolfis,"Isaid.
"'Putrid,'"saidGeraldcorrectly.
"Mine,"saidDennis,"iswhateverybodyhastwoof."
"Thenit'snot'pound,'"Isaid,"becauseI'veonlygotoneandninepence."
"Atleast,it'sbesttohavetwo.Sometimesyouloseone.They'reveryusefulatgolf.Infact,absolutelynecessary."
"Haveyougottwo?"
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"Yes."
IlookedatDennis'senormoushandsspreadoutonhisknees.
"Isit'pud'?"Iasked."Itis?Arethosethetwo?Goodheavens!"andIgavemyselfamark.
A--Awasthenext,andwehadtheoldEmutrouble.
"Mine,"saidNorah--"mineisratherameaninglessword."
"'Abracadabra,'"shoutedeverybody.
"Mine,"saidMissGerald,"isaverystrangeword,which----"
"'Abracadabra,'"shoutedeverybody.
"Mine,"saidGerald,"isawordwhichusedtobe----"
"'Abracadabra,'"shoutedeverybody.
"Mine,"Isaidtosavetrouble,"is'Abracadabra.'"
"Mine,"saidDennis,"isn't.It'swhatyousayatgolfwhen----""Ohlor!"Igroaned."Notagain."
"Whenyouholealongputtforahalf."
"Yougenerallysay,'Whataboutthatforagoodputt,oldthing?Thirtyyardsatleast,'"suggestedGerald.
"No."
"Isit--isit'Alleluia'?"suggestedMrs.Geraldtimidly.
"Yes."
"Dennis,"Isaid,"you'reanass."
.....
"Andnow,"saidNorahattheendofthegame,"who'swon?"
Theycounteduptheirmarks.
"Ten,"saidNorah.
"Fifteen,"saidGerald.
"Three,"saidhiswife.
"Fourteen,"saidDennis.
Theylookedatme.
"I'mafraidIforgottoputallminedown,"Isaid,"butIcaneasilyworkitout.Therewerefivewords,andfivedefinitionsofeachword.Twenty-fivemarkstobegainedaltogether.Youfourhavegot--er--let's
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see--forty-twobetweenyou.Thatleavesme----"
"Thatleavesyouminusseventeen,"saidDennis."I'mafraidyou'velost,oldman."Hetookuptheshovelandpractisedafewapproachshots."It'sratheragoodgame."
Ithinksotoo.It'sagoodgame,but,likeallpapergames,itsscoringwantswatching.
ABILLIARDLESSON
IwasshowingCeliaafewfancystrokesonthebilliard-table.Theothermembersofthehouse-partywereinthelibrary,learningtheirpartsforsomeapproachingtheatricals--thatistosay,theyweresittingroundthefireandsayingtoeachother,"Thisisarottenplay."Wehadbeenofferedthepositionofauditorstoseveralofthecompany,butweweregoingtoseeParsifalonthenextday,andIwasafraidthattheconstantexcitementwouldbebadforCelia.
"Whydon'tyouaskmetoplaywithyou?"sheasked."Youneverteachme
anything.""There'singratitude.Why,IgaveyouyourfirstlessonatgolfonlylastThursday."
"Soyoudid.Iknowgolf.Nowshowmebilliards."
Ilookedatmywatch.
"We'veonlytwentyminutes.I'llplayyouthirtyup."
"Right-o.Whatdoyougiveme--aballorabisqueorwhat?"
"Ican'tspareyouaball,I'mafraid.IshallwantallthreewhenIgetgoing.Youmayhavefifteenstart,andI'lltellyouwhattodo."
"Well,whatdoIdofirst?"
"Selectacue."
Shewentovertotherackandinspectedthem.
"Thisseemsanicebrownone.Nowthen,youbegin."
"Celia,you'vegotthehalf-butt.Putitbackandtakeayoungerone."
"Ithoughtitseemedtallerthantheothers."Shetookanother."How'sthis?Good.Thenoffyougo."
"Willyoubespotorplain?"Isaid,chalkingmycue.
"Doesitmatter?"
"Notverymuch.They'reboththesameshape."
"Thenwhat'sthedifference?"
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"Well,oneismorespottedthantheother."
"ThenI'llbelessspotted."
Iwenttothetable.
"Ithink,"Isaid,"I'lltryandscrewinoffthered."(IdidthisoncebyaccidentandI'vealwayswantedtodoitagain.)"Orperhaps,"Icorrectedmyself,assoonastheballhadleftme,"Ihadbettergiveasafetymiss."
Idid.Myballavoidedtheredandcameswiftlybackintotheleft-handbottompocket.
"That'sthreetoyou,"Isaidwithoutenthusiasm.
Celiaseemedsurprised.
"ButIhaven'tbegunyet,"shesaid."Well,Isupposeyouknowtherules,butitseemsfunny.Whatwouldyoulikemetodo?"
"Well,thereisn'tmuchon.You'dbetterjusttryandhittheredball."
"Right."Sheleantoverthetableandtooklongandcarefulaim.Iheldmybreath....Stillsheaimed....Then,keepingherchinonthecue,sheslowlyturnedherheadandlookedupatmewithathoughtfulexpression.
"Oughtn'ttheretobethreeballsonthetable?"shesaid,wrinklingherforehead.
"No,"Iansweredshortly.
"Butwhynot?"
"BecauseIwentdownbymistake."
"Butyousaidthatwhenyougotgoing,youwanted----Ican'targuebendingdownlikethis."Sheraisedherselfslowly."Yousaid----Oh,allright,Iexpectyouknow.Anyhow,Ihavescoredsomealready,haven'tI?"
"Yes.You'reeighteentomynothing."
"Yes.Well,nowIshallhavetoaimalloveragain."Shebentslowlyoverhercue."DoesitmatterwhereIhitthered?"
"Notmuch.Aslongasyouhititontheredpart."
Shehitithardontheside,andbothballscameintobaulk.
"Toogood,"Isaid.
"Doeseitherofusgetanythingforit?"
"No."Theredandthewhitewereclosetogether,andIwentupthetableanddownagainontheoff-chanceofacannon.Imisjudgedit,however.
"That'sthreetoyou,"Isaidstiffly,asItookmyballoutoftheright-handbottompocket."Twenty-onetonothing."
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"FunnyhowI'mdoingallthescoring,"saidCeliameditatively."AndI'vepracticallyneverplayedbefore.Ishallhittheredhardnowandseewhathappenstoit."
Shehit,andtheredcoursedmadlyaboutthetable,comingtorestnearthetopright-handpocketandclosetothecushion.WithaforcingshotIcouldgetin.
"Thiswillwantalotofchalk,"IsaidpleasantlytoCelia,andgaveitplenty.ThenIletfly....
"Whydidthatwantalotofchalk?"saidCeliawithinterest.
Iwenttothefire-placeandpickedmyballoutofthefender.
"That'sthreetoyou,"Isaidcoldly."Twenty-fourtonothing."
"AmIwinning?"
"You'releading,"Iexplained."Only,yousee,Imaymakeatwentyatanymoment."
"Oh!"Shethoughtthisover."Well,Imaymakemythreeatanymoment."
Shechalkedhercueandwentovertoherball.
"WhatshallIdo?"
"Justtouchtheredontheright-handside,"Isaid,"andyou'llgointothepocket."
"Theright-handside?Doyoumeanmyright-handside,ortheball's?"
"Theright-handsideoftheball,ofcourse;thatistosay,thesideoppositeyourrighthand."
"Butitsright-handsideisoppositemylefthand,iftheballisfacingthisway."
"Takeit,"Isaidwearily,"thattheballhasitsbacktoyou."
"Howrudeofit,"saidCelia,andhititontheleft-handside,andsankit."Wasthatwhatyoumeant?"
"Well...it'sanotherwayofdoingit."
"Ithoughtitwas.WhatdoIgiveyouforthat?"
"Yougetthree."
"Oh,Ithoughttheotherpersonalwaysgotthemarks.Iknowthelastthreetimes----"
"Goon,"Isaidfreezingly."Youhaveanotherturn."
"Oh,isitlikerounders?"
"Something.Goon,there'sadear.It'sgettinglate."
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Shewent,andlefttheredoverthemiddlepocket.
"A-ha!"Isaid.Ifoundaniceplaceinthe"D"formyball."Nowthen.ThisistheGraystroke,youknow."
IsupposeIwasnervous.Anyhow,Ijustnickedtheredballgentlyonthewrongsideandleftithangingoverthepocket.Thewhitetravelledslowlyupthetable.
"Whyisthatcalledthegreystroke?"askedCeliawithgreatinterest.
"Becauseonce,whenSirEdwardGreywasplayingtheGermanAmbassador--butit'sratheralongstory.I'lltellyouanothertime."
"Oh!Well,anyhow,didtheGermanAmbassadorgetanythingforit?"
"No."
"ThenIsupposeIdon't.Bother."
"Butyou'veonlygottoknocktheredinforgame."
"Oh!...There,what'sthat?"
"That'samiss-cue.Igetone."
"Oh!...Ohwell,"sheaddedmagnanimously,"I'mgladyou'vestartedscoring.Itwillmakeitmoreinterestingforyou."
Therewasjustroomtocreepinoffthered,leavingitstilloverthepocket.WithCelia'sballnicelyovertheotherpockettherewasachanceofmytwentybreak."Let'ssee,"Isaid,"howmanydoIwant?"
"Twenty-nine,"repliedCelia.
"Ah,"Isaid...andIcreptin.
"That'sthreetoyou,"Isaidicily."Game."
BURLESQUES
THESEASIDENOVELETTE
[MAYBEREADONTHEPIER]
No.XCVIII--ASIMPLEENGLISHGIRL
CHAPTERI
PRIMROSEFARM
PrimroseFarmstoodslumberinginthesunlightofanearlysummermorn.
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SaveforthegentlebreezewhichplayedinthetopsofthetwotallelmsallNatureseemedatrest.Chanticleerhadceasedhissong;thepigswereasleep;inthebarnthecowlaythinking.Adeeppeacebroodedovertheruralscene,thepeaceofcenturies.Terribletothinkthatinafewshorthours...butperhapsitwon't.ThetruthisIhavenotquitedecidedwhethertohavethemurderinthisstoryorinNo.XCIX.--TheSeveredThumb.Weshallsee.
Asheralarumclock(abirthdaypresent)struckfive,GwendolenFrenchsprangoutofbedandplungedherfaceintotheclumpofnettleswhichgrewoutsideherlatticewindow.Forsomeminutesshestoodthere,breathingintheincenseoftheday;thendressingquicklyshewentdownintothegreatoak-beamedkitchentopreparebreakfastforherfatherandthepigs.Asshewentabouthersimpledutiesshesangsoftlytoherself,asongofloveandknightlydeeds.Littledidshethinkthatalover,evenatthatmoment,stoodoutsideherdoor.
"Heigh-ho!"sighedGwendolen,andshepouredthebran-mashintoabowlandtookituptoherfather'sroom.
ForeighteenyearsGwendolenFrenchhadbeenthedaughterofJohnFrenchofPrimroseFarm.EndowedbyNaturewithabeautythatisseldomseenoutsidethissortofstory,shewasyetasmodestandasgoodagirlaswastobefoundinthecounty.Manyafineladywouldhavegivenallher
Parisiandiamondsforthepeach-likecomplexionwhichbloomedonthefairfaceofGwendolen.ButthegiftsofNaturearenottobeboughtandsold.
Therewasasuddenknockatthedoor.
"Comein,"criedGwendoleninsurprise.Unlessitwasthecow,itwasanentirelyunexpectedvisitor.
Atallandhandsomeyoungmanentered,strikinghisheadviolentlyagainstabeamashesteppedintothelow-ceilingedkitchen.
"Goodmorning,"hesaid,repressingtheremarkwhichcamemorereadily
tohislips."Prayforgivethisintrusion.ThefactisIhavelostmyway,andIwonderedwhetheryouwouldbekindenoughtoinformmeastomywhereabouts."
Recognizingfromhisconversationthatshewasbeingaddressedbyagentleman,Gwendolencurtsied.
"ThisisPrimroseFarm,sir,"shesaid.
"Ifear,"herepliedwithasmile,"ithasbeenmymisfortunenevertohaveheardsocharminganamebefore.IamLordBeltravers,ofBeltraversCastle,Beltravers.HavingreturnedlastnightfromIndiaIcameoutforanearlystrollthismorning,andIfearthatIhave
wanderedoutofmydirection."
"Why,"criedGwendolen,"yourlordshipismilesfromBeltraversCastle.Howtiredandhungryyoumustbe."Sheremovedalettucefromthekitchenchair,dustedit,andofferedittohim.(Thatistosay,thechair,notthelettuce.)"Letmegetyousomemilk,"sheadded.Pickingupapail,shewentouttoinspectthecow.
"Gad,"saidLordBeltraversassoonashewasalone.Hepacedrapidlyupanddownthetiledkitchen."Deucetakeit,"headdedrecklessly,
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"she'salovelygirl."TheBeltraverseswerenotedintwocontinentsfortheirhardswearing.
"Hereyouare,sir,"saidGwendolen,returningwiththepreciousliquid.
LordBeltraversseizedthepailanddraineditatadraught.
"Heavens,butthatwasgood!"hesaid."Whatwasit?"
"Milk,"saidGwendolen.
"Milk;Imustremember.AndnowmayItrespassonyourhospitalitystillfurtherbytrespassingonyourassistancesofarastosolicityourhelpinputtingmefarenoughonmypathtodiscovermywaybacktoBeltraversCastle?"(Whenhewasalonehesaidthatsentenceagaintohimself,andwonderedwhathadhappenedtoit.)
"Iwillshowyou,"shesaidsimply.
Theypassedoutintothesunlitorchard.Inanappletreeathrushwassinging;thegooseberrieswereover-ripe;beetrootswerefloweringeverywhere.
"Youareverybeautiful,"hesaid.
"Yes,"saidGwendolen.
"Imustseeyouagain.Listen!To-nightmymother,LadyBeltravers,isgivingaball.Doyoudance?"
"Alas,notthetango,"shesaidsadly.
"TheBeltraversesdonottang,"heannouncedwithsimpledignity."Youvalse?Good.Thenwillyoucome?"
"Thankyou,mylord.Oh,Ishouldloveto!"
"Thatisexcellent.AndnowImustbidyougood-bye.Butfirst,willyounottellmeyourname?"
"GwendolenFrench,mylord."
"Ah!One'f'ortwo?"
"Three,"saidGwendolensimply.
CHAPTERII
BELTRAVERSCASTLE
BeltraversCastlewasablazeoflights.Attheheadoftheoldoakstaircase(amagnificentexampleoftheSelfridgeperiod)theLadyBeltraversstoodreceivingherguests.MagnificentlygownedinoneofSweeting'slatestcreations,andwearingroundherneckthefamousBeltraversseed-pearls,shelookedthepictureofstatelymagnificence.Aseachguestwasannouncedbyabevyoffootmen,sheextendedherperfectlyglovedhandandspokeafewwordsofkindlywelcome.
"Goodevening,Duchess;sogoodofyoutolookin.Ah,Earl,charmedto
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meetyou;you'llfindsomesandwichesinthebilliard-room.Beltravers,showtheEarlsomesandwiches.How-do-you-do,Professor?Delightedyoucouldcome.Won'tyoutakeoffyourgoloshes?"
Allthecountywasthere.
LordHobblewastherewearingamagnificentstud;ErasmusBelt,thefamousauthor,whosenovel,Bitten:ARomance,wentintotwoeditions;SirSeptimusRoot,theinventorofthefire-proofspat;CaptaintheHonourableAlfredNibbs,thepopularbreederofblood-tortoises--thewholeworldandhiswifewerepresent.AndtoweringabovethemallstoodLordBeltravers,ofBeltraversCastle,Beltravers.
LordBeltraversstoodaloofinacornerofthegreatball-room.Abovehisheadwastheproudcoat-of-armsoftheBeltraverses--aheadlesssardineonafieldoftomato.AseachnewarrivalenteredLordBeltraversscannedhisorhercountenanceeagerly,andthenturnedawaywithasnarlofdisappointment.Wouldhislittlecountrymaidnevercome?
Shecameatlast.AttiredinafrockwhichhadobviouslybeencreatedinLittlePopley,shelookedthepictureofgirlishinnocenceasshestoodforamomenthesitatinginthedoorway.ThenhereyesbrightenedasLordBeltraverscametowardsherwithlongswingingstrides.
"You'rehere!"heexclaimed."Howgoodofyoutocome.Ihavethoughtaboutyoueversincethismorning.Thereisavalsebeginning.Willyouvalseitwithme?"
"Thankyou,"saidGwendolenshyly.
LordBeltravers,whovalseddivinely,puthisarmroundherwaistandledherintothecircleofdancers.
CHAPTERIII
AFFIANCED
Theballwasatitsheight.Gwendolen,whohadbeenintosuppereighttimes,placedherhandtimidlyonthearmofLordBeltravers,whohadjustbeggedapolkaofher.
"Letussitthisout,"shesaid."Nothere--inthegarden."
"Yes,"saidLordBeltraversgravely."Letusgo.Ihavesomethingtosaytoyou."
Offeringherhisarm,heledherdownthegreatterracewhichranalongthebackofthehouse.
"Howwonderfultohaveyourancestorsalwaysaroundyoulikethis!"cooedGwendolen,asshegazedwithreverenceatthetwostatueswhichfrontedthem.
"Venus,"saidLordBeltraversshortly,"andSamson."
Heledherdownthestepsandintotheornamentalgarden,andtheretheysatdown.
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"MissFrench,"saidLordBeltravers,"or,ifImaycallyoubythatsweetname,Gwendolen,Ihavebroughtyouhereforthepurposeofmakinganoffertoyou.PerhapsitwouldhavebeenmoreinaccordancewithetiquettehadIapproachedyourmotherfirst."
"Motherisdead,"saidthegirlsimply.
"Iamsorry,"saidLordBeltravers,bendinghisheadincourtlysympathy."InthatcaseIshouldhaveaskedyourfathertohearmysuit."
"Fatherisdeaf,"shereplied."Hecouldn'thaveheardit."
"Tut,tut,"saidLordBeltraversimpatiently."Ibegyourpardon,"headdedatonce,"Ishouldhavecontrolledmyself.Thatbeingso,"hewenton,"Ihavethehonourtomaketoyou,MissFrench,anofferofmarriage.MayIhope?"
Gwendolenputherhandsuddenlytoherheart.Theshockwastoomuchforherfreshyounginnocence.ShewasnotreallyengagedtoGilesEarwaker,thoughhe,too,washoping;andtheonlythreetimesthatThomasRitsonhadkissedhershehadthreatenedtoboxhisears.
"LordBeltravers,"shebegan----
"CallmeBeltravers,"hebegged.
"Beltravers,Iloveyou.Igiveyouasimplemaiden'sheart."
"Mydarling!"hecried,claspingherthumbimpulsively."Thenweareaffianced."
Heslippedaringoffhisfingerandfitteditaffectionatelyontwoofhers.
"Wearthis,"hesaidgravely."Itwasmymother's.ShewasadeDindigul.See,thisistheircrest--aroe-lessherringoverthemotto
Dansl'huile."ObservingthatshelookedpuzzledhetranslatedthenobleFrenchwordstoher."Andnowletusgoin.Anotherdanceisbeginning.MayIbegforthehonour?"
"Beltravers,"shewhisperedlovingly.
CHAPTERIV
EXPOSURE
Thenextdancewasatitsheight.InadreamofhappinessGwendolenrevolvedwithclosedeyesroundLordBeltravers,ofBeltraversCastle,
Beltravers.
Suddenlyabovethemusicroseavoice,commanding,threatening.
"Stop!"criedtheLadyBeltravers.
Asifbymagicthebandceasedandallthedancerswerestill.
"Thereisanintruderhere,"saidLadyBeltraversinacoldvoice."Amilkmaid,acommonfarmer'sdaughter.GwendolenFrench,leavemyhouse
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thisinstant!"
Dazed,hardlyknowingwhatshedid,Gwendolenmovedforward.InaninstantLordBeltraverswasafterher.
"No,mother,"hesaid,withtheutmostdignity."Notacommonmilkmaid,butthefutureLadyBeltravers."
Anindescribablethrillofemotionranthroughthecrowdedball-room.LordHobble'sstudfellout;andLadySusanGolightlyhurriedacrosstheroomandfaintedinthearmsofSirJamesBatt.
"What!"criedtheLadyBeltravers."Myson,thelastoftheBeltraverses,theBeltraverseswhocameoverwithJuliusWernher,IshouldsayCæsar,marryamilkmaid?"
"No,mother.Heismarryingwhatanymanwouldbeproudtomarry--asimpleEnglishgirl."
Therewasacheer,instantlysuppressed,fromaSocialistintheband.
ForjustamomentwordsfailedtheLadyBeltravers.Thenshesankintoachair,andwavedherguestsaway.
"Theballisover,"shesaidslowly."Leaveme.MysonandImustbealone."
Onebyone,withmurmuredthanksforadelightfulevening,thegueststroopedout.Soonmotherandsonwerealone.LordBeltravers,gazingoutofthewindow,sawthe'cellistlaboriouslydragginghis'celloacrossthepark.
CHAPTERV
THEEND
[Andnow,dearreaders,Iaminadifficulty.Howshallthestorygoon?TheeditorofTheSeasideLibraryasksquitefranklyforamurder.HisideawasthattheLadyBeltraversshouldbefounddeadintheparknextmorningandthatGwendolenshouldbearrested.Thisseemstomebothcrudeandvulgar.Besides,IwantamurderforNo.XCIX.oftheseries--TheSeveredThumb.
No,IthinkIknowabetterwayout.]
.....
OldJohnFrenchsatbeneathaspreadingpeartree,andwaited.Earlythatmorningamysteriousnotehadbeenbroughttohim,askingforan
interviewonamatteroftheutmostimportance.Thiswasthetrysting-place.
"Ihavecome,"saidavoicebehindhim,"toaskyoutobegyourdaughter----
"IHAVECOME,"criedtheLadyBeltravers,"TOASKYOU----
"IHAVECOME,"shoutedherladyship,"TO----"
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JohnFrenchwheeledroundinamazement.WithacrytheLadyBeltraversshrankback.
"Eustace,"shegasped--"Eustace,EarlofTurbot!"
"Eliza!"
"Whatareyoudoinghere?IcametoseeJohnFrench."
"What?"heasked,withhishandtohisear.
Sherepeatedherremarkloudlyseveraltimes.
"IamJohnFrench,"hesaidatlast."WhenyourefusedmeandmarriedBeltraversIsuddenlyfelttiredofSociety;andIchangedmynameandsettleddownhereasasimplefarmer.Mydaughterhelpsmeonthefarm."
"Thenyourdaughteris----"
"LadyGwendolenHake."
.....
AbeautifuldoubleweddingwassolemnizedatBeltraversinOctober,the
EarlofTurbotleadingEliza,LadyBeltraverstothealtar,whileLordBeltraverswasjoinedinmatrimonytothebeautifulLadyGwendolenHake.Thereweremanypresentsonbothsides,whichpartookequallyofthebeautifulandthecostly.
LadyGwendolenBeltraversisnowthemostpopularhostessinthecounty;buttoherhusbandshealwaysseemsthesimpleEnglishmilkmaidthathefirstthoughther.Ah!
THESECRETOFTHEARMY
AEROPLANE
[InthethrillingmannerofMr.WilliamleQueux.]
"Yes,"saidmyfriend,RayRaymond,asagrimsmilecrossedhistypicallyEnglishface,lookingroundthechamberswhichwesharedtogether,thoughheneverhadoccasiontopractise,thoughIunfortunatelyhad,"itisaverycuriousaffairindeed."
"Tellusthewholefacts,Ray,"urgedVeraVallance,theprettyfair-haireddaughterofAdmiralSirCharlesVallance,towhomhewas
engaged.
"Well,dear,theyarebrieflyasfollows,"hereplied,withanaffectionateglanceather."ItiswellknownthattheGermansareanxioustogetholdofournewaeroplane,andthatthesecretofitisatpresentlockedintheinventor'sbreast.LastTuesdayamanwithhismoustachebrushedupthewrongwayalightedatBasingstokestationandenquiredfortherefreshment-room.Thisleadsmetobelievethatadastardlyattemptisabouttobemadetowrestthesupremacyoftheairfromourgrasp!"ImmediatelyIswooned.
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"AndeveninthefaceofthistheGovernmentdeniestheactivityofGermanspiesinEngland!"IexclaimedbitterlyassoonasIhadrecoveredconsciousness.
"Jacox,"saidmyoldfriend,"asapatriotitisnonethelessmydutytoexposethesemiscreants.To-morrowwegotoBasingstoke."
NextThursday,then,sawusensconcedinourprivatesitting-roomattheBullHotel,Basingstoke.OnourwayfromthestationIhadnoticedhowill-preparedthetownwastoresistinvasion,andIhadpointedthisoutbitterlytomydearoldfriend,RayRaymond.
"Yes,"heremarked,grimly;"anditissimplyinfestedwithspies.Jack,mysurmisesareprovingcorrect.Therewillbedangerousworkafootto-night.Haveyoubroughtyourelectrictorchwithyou?"
"SincethatRosythaffair,Inevertravelwithoutit,"Ireplied,asIstoodwithmybacktothecheapmantel-shelfsocommoninEnglishhotels.
Thenightwasdark,thereforeweproceededwithcautionaswelefttheinn.TheactionsofRayRaymondwerecurious.Aswepassedeachtelegraphpolehestoppedandsaidgrimly,"Ah,Ithoughtso";anddrew
hisrevolver.Whenwehadcoveredfifteenmileswelookedatourwatchesbytheaidofourelectrictorchesanddiscoveredthatitwastimetogetbacktothehotelunlesswewishedourpresence,orratherabsence,tobemadeknowntotheGermanspies;thereforewereturnedhastily.
NextmorningRaywasrecalledtotownbyanurgenttelegram,thereforeIwasleftaloneatBasingstoketofoilthedastardlyspies.Istayedthereforthirteenweeks,andthenwentwithmyoldfriendtoGrimsby,hehavingreceivednewsthataGermanhairdresser,namedMacdonald,wasresidentinthattown.
"MydearJack,"saidmyfriendRayRaymond,hisfaceassumingthesphinx-likeexpressionbywhichIknewthathehadformedsometheory
forthedestructionofhiscountry'sdastardlyenemies,"to-nightweshallcometogripswiththeTeuton!"
"Andyet,"Icried,"theGovernmentrefusestoadmittheactivityofGermanspiesinEngland!"
"Ha!"saidmyfriendgrimly.
Heopenedasmallblackbagandproducedadarklantern,acoilofstrongsilkrope,andasmallbutserviceablejemmy.Allthatburglariousoutfitbelongedtomyfriend!
Atthismomenttheprettyfairgirltowhomhewasengaged,Vera
Vallance,arrived,butreturnedtoLondonbythenexttrain.
Atteno'clockweproceededcautiouslytothehouseofMacdonaldthehairdresser,whomRayhaddiscoveredtobeaGermanspy!
"Haveyouyourelectrictorchwithyou?"inquiredmydearoldcollegefriend.
"Ihave,"Iansweredgrimly.
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"Good!Thenletusenter!"
"Youmeantobreakin?"Icried,amazedattheaudacityofmyfriend.
"Bah!"hesaid."Spiesarealwayscowards!"
Thereforeweknockedatthedoor.Itwasopenedbytwomen,theelderofwhomgaveventtoaquickGermanimprecation.Theyoungerhadashortbeard.
"YouareaGermanspy?"enquiredRayRaymond.
"No,"repliedthebeardedGermaninverygoodEnglish,addingwithmarvellouscoolness:"Towhat,pray,doweowethisunwarrantableintrusion?"
"TothefactthatyouareaspywhohasbeentakingsecrettracingsofourArmyaeroplane!"retortedmyfriend.
Butthespyonlylaughedinopendefiance.
"Well,there'snolawagainstit,"hereplied.
"No,"retortedRaygrimly,"thankstothestupidityofacrass
Government,thereisnolawagainstit.""MyGod!"Isaidhoarsely,andmyfacewentthecolourofashes.
"ButmyoldfriendJacass--ImeanJacox--andI,"continuedRayRaymond,fixingthemiserablespywithhiseye,"havedecidedtotakethelawintoourownhands.Ihavemyrevolverandmyfriendhashiselectrictorch.Givemethetracings."
"Gott--no!"criedtheGermanspiesinGerman."Never,youEnglishcur!"
ButRayhadalreadyextractedaletterfromtheelderman'spocket,andwasmakingforthedoor!Ifollowedhim.Whenwegotbacktoourhotel
hedrewtheletterfromhispocketandeagerlyexaminedit.Igivehereanexactcopyofit,andImaystatethatwhenwesentittoHisMajesty'sMinisterforWarhereturneditwithoutaword!
"BERKELEYCHAMBERS,CANNONSTREET,E.C.DEARSIR,--Inreplytoyoursofthe29thult.webegtosaythatwecandoyouagoodlineinshavingbrushesatthefollowingwholesaleprices:Badger70s.agross.PureBadger75s.agross.RealBadger80s.agross.Awaitingyouresteemedorder,whichweshallhavepleasurein
promptlyexecuting,Weare,sir,Yoursobediently,WILKINSONandALLBUTT.MR.JAMESMACDONALD."
Thatletter,innocentenoughuponthefaceofit,containeddastardlyinstructionsfromtheChiefofPolicetoaGermanspy!ReadbythealphabeticalcodesuppliedtoeveryGermansecretagentinEngland,itranasfollows:
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(Phrase1)."Discoverwithoutdelaysecretofnewaeroplane."
(Phrase2)."Forwardparticularsofbestplanforblowingup(1)PortsmouthDockyard.(2)WoolwichArsenal.(3)AlbertMemorial."
(Phrase3)."BecarefulofJackJacox.Hecarriesarevolverandanelectrictorch."
"Ah!"saidmyfriendgrimly,"wewereonlyjustintime.Hadwedelayedlonger,Englandmighthavekneltattheproudfootofaconqueror!"
"Ha!"Irepliedbriefly.
NextmorningwereturnedtothechamberswhichwesharedtogetherinLondon,andwerejoinedbyVeraVallance,theprettyfairdaughterofAdmiralSirCharlesVallance,towhommyoldfriendwasengaged.And,ashestrokedherhairaffectionately,IrealisedthankfullythatheandIhadindeedbeentheinstrumentsofProvidenceinfoilingtheplotsoftheGermanspies!
BUTHOWWILLITALLEND?
WHENWILLGERMANYSTRIKE?
THEHALOTHEYGAVETHEMSELVES
[AcollaborationbytheAuthorsof"TheBrokenHalo"and"TheWomanThouGavestMe."]
CHAPTERI
SUNDAYMORNING
(MRS.BARCLAYbegins)
ItwasabeautifulSundaymorning.AllnaturebrowsedinsolemnSabbathstillness.TheLittleGreyWomanoftheNight-Lightwashurrying,somewhatlate,tochurch.
DownthewhiteribbonofroadtheVirileBenedictoftheLibrariescamebicycling,treadlingeasilyfromtheankles.Herodeboldly,withonlyonehandonthehandle-bars,theotherinthepocketofhiswhiteflannelcricketingtrousers.Hisfootballingtie,withhiscollegearmsembroidereduponit,flappedgentlyinthebreeze.Tolookathimyou
wouldhavesaidthathewasprobablyacrackpoloplayeronhiswaytodefendthechampionshipagainstallcomers,orthecaptainofacountygolfeleven.Asherode,hissouloverflowingwiththejoyoflife,hehummedtheCollectfortheDay.
ItwasexactlyoppositethechurchthatheranintotheLittleGreyWomanoftheNight-Light.Hehadjustflashedpastalabourerintheroad--knowntohiscroniesastheFlap-earedDenizenoftheTurnip-patch--alabourerwhointhedeardeaddaysofQueenVictoriawouldhavetouchedhishathumbly,butwhonow,inthishorribleageof
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attemptstolevelallclassdistinctions,actuallywentonlightinghispipe!Alas,thattherespectfuldeferenceofthepoortowardtherichisnowathingofthepast!SothoughttheVirileBenedictoftheLibraries,andinthinkingthishehadlethismindwanderfromtheimportantbusinessofguidinghisbicycle!InanothermomenthehadrunintotheLittleGreyWomanoftheNight-Light!
Shehadseenhimcomingandhadgivenawarningcry,butitwastoolate.Thenextmomentheshotoverhishandle-bars;butevenasherevolvedthroughtheairhewonderedhowoldshereallywas,andwhat,ifany,washerincome.ForsincethedeathoftheLittleWhiteLadyhehadformedahabitofmarryingelderlywomenfortheirmoney,andhisfifthorsixthwifehadperishedofoldageonlyafewmonthsago.
[HallCaine(wakingup).Who,pray,istheLittleWhiteLady?
Mrs.Barclay.Hisfirstwife.Shecomesinmybook,"TheBrokenHalo,"nowinitstwohundredthedition.
HallCaine(annoyed).Tut!]
"Jove,"hesaidcheerily,ashepickedhimselfandherandhisbicycleup,"thatwasanastyspill.AsmyAuntLouisausedtosaytothecuratewhenheupsetthemilk-jugintoherlap,'Nomilk,thankyou.'"His
browneyesdancedwithamusementasherelatedthisreminiscenceofhisboyhood.TotheLittleGreyWomanheseemedtoexhaleyouthfromeverypore.
"WhatdidyourAuntLouisasaywhenheranklewassprained?"sheaskedwitharuefulsmile.
InaninstantthemerrybanterfadedfromtheVirileBenedict'sbrowneyes,andwasreplacedbythecommandinglookofonewhohastakenabrilliantdegreeinallhismedicalexaminations.
"Allowme,"hesaidbrusquely;"Iamadoctor."Hebentdownandlistenedtoherankle.
ItdidnottakeDr.DickCameron'squickearlongtofindoutalltherewastoknow.Hismannerbecameverygentleandhisvoiceverylow;and,thoughhecontinuedtoexhaleyouth,hediditlessostentatiouslythanbefore.
"Imustcarryyouhome,"hesaid,pickingherupinhisstrongyoungarms;"youcannotgotochurchto-day."
"Butthecurateispreaching!"
Dr.Dickmurmuredsomethingprofaneunderhisbreathaboutcurates.Hehad,alas!thesemomentsofirreverence;as,forinstance,onone
occasionwhenhehadspokenofMr.LouisN.Parker'snoblepicture-play,"JosephandhisBrethren,"quiteshortlyas"Jos.Bros."
"Iwillcarryyouhome,"hesaidgently."Tellmewhereyoulive,LittleGreyWoman."
Shesmiledupathimbravely."TheManorHouse,"shesaid.
Hisvoicebecameyetmoregentle."Andnowtellmeyourincome,"hewhispered;andhiswholebeingtrembledwithemotionashewaitedfor
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herreply.
[Mrs.Barclay.There!That'stheendofthechapter.Nowit'syourturn.
HallCaine(wakingup).Idon'tknowifItoldyouthatinmylastgreatworkoftheimagination,inwhichIcollaboratedwiththeBishopofLondon,Iwrotethroughoutinthefirstperson.Nearlyamillioncopiesweresold,thusshowingthattheheartofthegreatpublicapprovedofmymethodoftellingmystorythroughthemouthofayoungandinnocentgirl,exposedtogreattemptation.Ishouldwish,therefore,torepeatthatmethodinthisstory,ifyoucouldsoarrangeit.
Mrs.Barclay.Butthat'seasy.TheLittleGreyWomanshalltellDr.Dickthestoryofherfirstmarriage.Ididthatinmylastbook,"TheBrokenHalo,"nowinitstwohundredthedition.
HallCaine(annoyed).Tut!]
CHAPTERII
UNDERTHECEDAR
(MRS.BARCLAYcontinues)
Theywerehavingteainthegarden--theLittleGreyWomanandDr.Dick.Morethansixmonthshadelapsedsincetheaccidentoutsidethechurch,andDr.DickstillremainedonattheManorHouseinchargeofhispatient,wishingtobehandyincasetheoldspraincameonagainsuddenly.Shewaseighty-twoandhadtwelvethousandayear.Onthelawnathrushwassinging.
"Howfreshandgreentheworldisto-day,"sighedDr.Dick,leaningbackandexhalingyouth."AsthecurateusedtosaytomyAuntLouisa,'Adelightfulshoweraftertherain.'"Helaughedmerrily,andthrewa
crumbatthethrushwiththeperfectaimofagoodcricketerthrowingtheballatthewickets.
"Mydearboy,"saidtheLittleGreyWoman,"theworldisalwaysfreshandgreentoyouthlikeyours.Buttoanoldwomanlikeme----"
"Notold,"saidDick,withanardentglance;"onlyeighty-two.Mrs.Beauchamp,willyoumarryme?"
Shelookedathimwithasadbuttendersmile.
"Whatwouldmyfriendssay?"sheasked.
"Botheryourfriends."
"Mydearboy,youwouldbeconsiderablysurprisedifyoucouldglancethroughanapproximatelistofthefriendsIpossessto-day.DoyouknowthatifImarryyouIshallberequiredtomakeanexplanationtoseveralroyalladies--thatis,iftheygraciouslygrantmetheopportunitysotodo."
"ButIwantyourmon--ImeanIloveyou,"hepleaded,thelightofyouthshininginhisbrowneyes.
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TheLittleGreyWomanlookedathimtenderly.Theireyesmet.
"Listen,"shesaid."Iwilltellyouthestoryofmyfirstmarriage,andthenifyouwishyoushallaskmeagain."
Dr.Dickhelpedhimselftoanothersliceofcakeandleantbacktolisten.
[Mrs.Barclay.Thereyouare.NowyoucandoChapterThree.
HallCaine.Excellent.Itisquitetimethatonegotsomeemotionintothisstory.In"TheWomanThouGavestMe,"ofwhichmorethanamillion----
Mrs.Barclay.Emotion,indeed!Mylastbookisalreadyinitstwohundredthedition.
HallCaine(annoyed).Tut!]
CHAPTERIII
MRS.BEAUCHAMP'SSTORY
(MR.HALLCAINEtakesupthetale)
Ihavealwayshadawonderfulmemory,andmyearliestrecollectionisofhearingmyfatherask,onthedaywhenIwasborn,whetheritwasaboyoragirl.Whentheytoldhim"agirl,"heletfallaroughexpressionwhichsentthebloodcoursingovermymother'spalecheekslikelobster-saucecoursingoveraturbot.Myfather,JohnBoomster,wasagreatadvertisingagent,perhapsthegreatestintheisland,thoughhealwayssaidthattherewasonemanwhocouldbeathim.Hewantedasontosucceedhiminthebusiness,andintheyearstocomeheneverforgavemeforbeingagirl.Hewouldoftenglareatmeinsilenceforthree-quartersofanhour,andthen,lettingfallthesamerough
expression,throwabootatmeandstridefromtheroom.Ahard,cruelman,myfather,andyet,inhisfashion,hewasfondofme.
ItwasnotuntilIwaseighteenthathefirstspoketome.TomydyingdayIshallneverforgetthatevening;norhiswords,whichbitthemselvesintomymindasared-hotironbitesitswayintocheese.
"Nell,"hesaid,forthatwasmyname,thoughhehadneveruseditbefore,"I'vearrangedthatyouaretomarryLordWurzeltwomonthsfromto-day."
Attheseterriblewordsthebloodebbedslowlyfrommyearsandmyhandsgrewhot.
"Idonotknowhim,"Isaidinastifledvoice.
"Youwillto-morrow,"helaughedbrutally,andwithanotherroughwordhestrodefromtheroom.
LordWurzel!Iranupstairstomyroomandflungmyselffacedownwardsonthebed.InmyagonyIbitalargepieceoutofmypillow.Thebloodflowedforwardandbackwardovermeinwaves,andIbursteverynowandthenintoapassionofweeping.
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ByandbyIbegantofeelmoreserene.Idecidedthatitwasmydutytoobeymyfather.Myheartleaptwithinmeatthethoughtofdoingmyduty,andtocalmmyselfIputonmyhatandwanderedintotheglen.Itwasverysilentintheglen.Therewasnosoundbuttherustlingoftheleavesoverhead,thepoppingoftheinsectsunderfoot,thesneezingofthecattle,thewhistlingofthepigs,thecoughingofthefield-mice,theroaringoftherabbits,andthedeeporgan-songofthesea.
Butsuddenly,aboveallthesenoises,Iheardavoicewhichsentthebloodebbingandflowinginmyheartandcausedthebackofmynecktoquiverwithecstasy.
"Nell!"itsaid.
Itwasthevoiceofmyoldcomrade,AndrewSpinnaker,whohadplayedwithmeinourchildhood'sdays,andwhomIhadnotseennowforeightyears.
"Andrew!"Icried,asIturnedround."Whatareyoudoinghere?"
"IamjustofftodiscovertheSouthPole,"hesaid."Myshipmatesarewaitingformetocommandtheexpedition."
Inoticedthenforthefirsttimethathewasdressedinaseal-skincapandapairofsleeping-bags.
"Nell,"hewenton,"beforeIgo,tellmeyouloveme."
Myheartflutteredlikeacapturedbird;mykneestrembledlikeadrunkenspider's;mythroatwasstifledlikeastifledthroat.Ahugewaveofsomethingorothersurgedovermeandtoldmethatthegreatmysteryoftheworldhadhappenedtome.
Iwasinlove.
IwasinlovewithAndrewSpinnaker.
"Andrew,"Icried,fallingonhisstartledchin,"Iloveyou."Allthebackofmyneckthrilledwithjoy.
Butmyjoywasshortlived.NosoonerhadIbecomeawarethatIlovedAndrewSpinnakerthanmyconsciencetoldmeIhadnorighttodoso.IwasgoingtomarryLordWurzel,andtoloveanotherthanmyhusbandwassin.IshookAndrewoffmylips.
"Iloveyou,"Isaid,"butIcannotmarryyou.IammarryingLordWurzel."
"Thatbeast?"criedAndrew,intheimpetuoussailorfashionwhichso
endearedhimtohisshipmates."WhenIcomebackIwillthrashhimasIwouldthrashaviciousape."
"Whenwillthatbe?"
"Inabouttwomonths,"saidmydarlingboy."Thisisgoingtobeaveryquickexpedition."
"Alas,thatwillbemyweddingday,"Isaidwithalowsoblikethatofabuffaloyearningforitsmate."Itwillbetoolate."
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Andrewtookmeinhisstrongarms.Ishouldnothavelethim,butIcouldnothelpit.
"Listen,"hesaid,"IwillstartbackfromthePoleadaybeforemyshipmates,andsaveyoufromthatd-sh-dbeast.AndthenIwillmarryyou,Nell."
Therewasaroaringinmyearsliketheroaringofthebathwhenthetapislefton;manywatersseemedtorushuponme;myhatfelloff,andthendeepoblivioncameovermeandIswooned.
.....
Togothroughmyemotionsindetailduringthenexttwomonthswouldbebuttoharrowyouneedlessly.SufficeittosaythatseventeentimesIflungmyselffacedownwardsonmybedandbitapieceoutofthepillow,ontwenty-nineoccasionsthebloodebbedslowlyfrommyface,andmyheartflutteredlikeacapturedbird,whileinahundredandfortyinstancesawaveofemotionsurgedslowlyovermywholebody,leavingmetremblinglikeanaspenleaf.Otherwisemyhealthremainedgood.
Itwasthenightbeforethewedding.ThebadLordWurzelhadjustleftmewithwordsofloveuponhislyinglips.To-morrow,unlessAndrew
Spinnakersavedme,IshouldbeLadyWurzel."Amarconigramforyou,miss,"saidourfaithfuloldgardener,William,enteringthedrawing-roomnoiselesslybythechimney."Ibroughtitmyselftobesureyougotit."
WithtremblingfingersItoreitopen.HowmyheartleaptandthehotcolourfloodedmyneckandbrowwhenIrecognisedthedearschoolboywritingofmybelovedAndrew!Ihavethemessagestill.Itwentlikethis:
"Wireless--SouthPole.Arrivedsafe.FoundPole.Weathercharming.Bluesky.Notabreath
ofwind.Amwearingmythicksocks.Sunnevergoingdown.Constellationsrevolvingwithoutdipping.Moongoingsideways.AmstartingforEnglandto-morrow.ArriveVictoriatwelveo'clock,Wednesday.--ANDREW."
BackonWednesday!Andto-morrowwasTuesday--myweddingday!Therewasnohope.Ifeltlikeashipwreckedvoyager.Forthethirty-fifthtimesincethebeginningofthemonthdeepoblivioncameoverme,andIswooned.
[HallCaine.Ithinkyoumightgoonnow.Ihaveputalittlelifeintothestory.Itis,perhaps,notquitesovividasmylastwork,"TheWomanThouGavestMe,"ofwhichmorethanamillioncopies----
Mrs.Barclay.Inthetwohundredtheditionof"TheBrokenHalo"----
HallCaine(annoyed).Tut!]
CHAPTERIV
THEEND
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(MRS.BARCLAYresumes)
AtthispointinTheLittleGreyWoman'sstoryhandsomeDr.Dickputdownhisthirdpieceofcakeandgotup.Therewasabaffledlookonhisvirilefacewhichnoneofhispreviouswiveshadeverseenthere.ForonceDr.Dickwasnonplussed!
"Istheremuchmoreofyourstory?"heasked.
"Fivehundredandnineteenpages,"shesaid.
TheVirileBenedictoftheLibrariestookuphishat.Neverhadheexhaledyouthsoviolently,yetneverhadhelookedsuchaman.Hehadmadeuphismind.Shewasrich;but,afterall,moneywasnoteverything.
"Good-bye,"hesaid.
ADIDACTICNOVEL
[InhumbleimitationofMr.EUSTACEMILES'SserialinHealthwardHo!
(Help!),andinfurtheranceofthegreatprincipleofself-culture]
THEMYSTERYOFGORDONSQUARE
SYNOPSISOFPREVIOUSCHAPTERS
RogerDangerfield,thefamousbarrister,ispassingthroughGordonSquareoneDecembernightwhenhesuddenlycomesacrossthedeadbodyofamanofaboutfortyyears.Tohishorrorherecognisesittobethatofhisfriend,SirEustaceButt,M.P.,whohasbeenstabbedinsevenplaces.Muchperturbedbytheincident,Rogergoeshomeanddecidestoleadanewlife.HithertohehadbeennotoriousintheLondonclubsfor
hisluxurioushabits,butnowherisesat7.30everymorningandbreathesevenlythroughthenoseforfiveminutesbeforedressing.
Afterthreeweeksofthebreathingexercise,Rogeraddsafewsimplelungestohismorningdrill.Detective-InspectorFrenchardtellshimthathehasacluetothedeathofSirEustace,butthatthemurdererisstillatlarge.RogersellshisLondonhouseandtakesacottageinthecountry,wherehepractisesthesimplelife.Heisnowlungingtentimestotheright,tentimestotheleftandtentimesbackwardseverymorning,besidesbreathinglightlythroughthenoseduringhisbath.
OnedayhemeetsaYogi,whotellshimthatifhedesirestotrackthemurdererdownhemustlearnconcentration.HesuggeststhatRogershould
startbyconcentratingontheword"wardrobe,"andthenleavesthisstoryandgoesbacktoIndia.Rogersellshishouseinthecountryandcomesbacktotown,whereheconcentratesforhalfanhourdailyontheword"wardrobe,"besides,ofcourse,perseveringwithhisbreathingandlungingexercises.Afteraheavymorning'sdrillheispassingthroughGordonSquarewhenhecomesacrossthebodyofhisoldfriend,SirJoshuaTubbs,M.P.,whohasbeenstabbedninetimes.Rogerreturnshomequickly,anddecidestopractisebreathingthroughtheears.
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CHAPTERXCI
PREPARATION
TheappallingdeathofSirJoshuaTubbs,M.P.,followingsocloselyuponthatofSirEustaceButt,M.P.,meantthebeginningofanewlifeforRoger.Hismorningdrillnowtookthefollowingform:--
Onrisingat7.30a.m.hesippedaglassofdistilledwater,atthesametimeconcentratingontheword"wardrobe."Thislastedfortenminutes,afterwhichhestoodbeforetheopenwindowforfiveminutes,breathingalternatelythroughtherightearandtheleft.Avigorousseriesoflungesfollowed,togetherwiththesimplekickingexercisesdetailedinchapterLIV.
Theseover,therewasabriefintervalofrest,duringwhichourhero,breathingheavilythroughthebackofthehead,concentratedontheword"dough-nut."Refreshedbythementaldiscipline,heroseandstoodlightlyontheballofhisleftfoot,atthesametimemassaginghimselfvigorouslybetweentheshoulderswithhisright.Afterfiveminutesofthishewouldrestagain,lyingmotionlessexceptforacircularmovementoftheears.Acoldbath,abriskrubdownandanotherglassofdistilledwatercompletedthemorningtraining.
Butitistimewegotonwiththestory.ThemurderofSirJoshuaTubbs,M.P.hadsentathrillofhorrorthroughEngland,andhundredsofpeoplewroteindignantletterstothePress,blamingthepolicefortheirneglecttodiscovertheassassin.Detective-InspectorFrenchard,however,washardatwork,andhewasinspiredbytheknowledgethathecouldalwaysrelyupontheassistanceofRogerDangerfield,thefamousbarrister,whohadsworntotrackthemurdererdown.
TopreparehimselffortheforthcomingstruggleRogerdecided,onesunnydayinJune,togiveupthemeatdietuponwhichhehadreliedsolong,andtodevotehimselfentirelytoavegetablerégime.Withthatthoroughnesswhichwasnowbecomingacharacteristicofhim,heleftLondonandreturnedtothecountry,withtheintentionofmakingastudy
offoodvalues.
CHAPTERXCII
LOVECOMESIN
ItwasabeautifuldayinJulyandthecountrywaslookingitsbest.Rogerroseat7.30a.m.andperformedthosegentle,health-givingexerciseswhichhavealreadybeendescribedinpreviouschapters.Onthisgloriousmorning,however,headdedasimpleexercisefortheelbowstohiscustomaryones,andwentdowntohisbreakfastashungryastheproverbialhunter.Asubstantialmealoffivedriedbeansanda
stewednutawaitedhiminthefineoak-panelledlibrary;andashedidamplejusticetothebanquethisthoughtswentbacktotheterribledayswhenhelivedtheluxuriousmeat-eatinglifeoftheordinaryman-about-town;totheeveningwhenhediscoveredthebodyofSirEustaceButt,M.P.,andsworetobringtheassassintovengeance;tothedaywhen----
Suddenlyherealisedthathisthoughtswerewandering.Withironwillhecontrolledthemandconcentratedfixedlyontheword"dough-nut"fortwelveminutes.Greatlyrefreshed,heroseandstrodeoutintothesun.
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Atthedoorofhiscottageagirlwasstanding.Shewasextremelybeautiful,andRoger'sheartwouldhavejumpedifhehadnothadthatorgan(thankstoTwistingExercise23)underperfectcontrol.
"IsthisthewaytoDenfield?"sheasked.
"Straighton,"saidRoger.
Hereturnedtohiscottage,breathingheavilythroughhisears.
CHAPTERXCIII
ANOTHERSURPRISE
Sixmonthswentby,andthemurdererofSirJoshuaTubbs,M.P.andSirEustaceButt,M.P.stillremainedatlarge.RogerhadsoldhiscottageinthecountryandwasnowinLondon,performinghisexerciseswithregularity,concentratingdailyuponthewords"wardrobe,""dough-nut,"and"wasp,"andlivingentirelyuponproteids.
OnedayhehadtheideathathewouldstartarestaurantintheEast-Endforthesaleofmeatlessfoods.Thiswouldbringhimintouchwiththe
lowerclasses,amongwhomheexpectedtofindtheassassinofhistwooldestfriends.
Inlessthanthreeorfouryearstheshopwasatremendoussuccess.Inspiteofthis,however,Rogerdidnotneglecthisexercises;takingparticularcaretokeepthetoeswellturnedinwhenlungingtentimesbackwards.(Exercise17.)Once,tohisjoy,thegirlwhomhehadfirstmetoutsidehiscountrycottagecameinandhadhersimplelunchofSmilopat(ninepencethedab)athisshop.Thateveninghelungedtwelvetimestotherightinsteadoften.
OnedaybusinesshadtakenRogertotheWest-End.AshewasreturninghomeatmidnightthroughGordonSquare,hesuddenlystoppedand
staggeredback.
Abodylayonthegroundbeforehim!
Hastilyturningitoveruponitsface,Rogergaveacryofhorror.
ItwasDetective-InspectorFrenchard!Stabbedinelevenplaces!
Rogerhurriedmadlyhome,anddevisedanentirelynewsetofexercisesforhismorningdrill.Afulldescriptionofthese,however,mustbereservedforanotherchapter.
(Andsoonforever.)
MERELYPLAYERS
ONTHEBAT'SBACK
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Withtheideaofbrighteningcricket,myfriendTwyfordhasgivenmeanewbat.Ihavealwaysfeltthat,inmyowncase,itwastheinadequacyoftheweaponratherthanofthemanbehinditwhichaccountedforacertainmonotonyoflow-scoring;withthisnewbatIhopetoprovethecorrectnessofmytheory.
Myoldbathasalwaysbeenatrier,butoflateithasbeenmanifestlypastitswork.Againandagainitsdriveoverlong-off'sheadhasfailedtocarrythebunkeratmid-off.Morethanonceithasproveditselfaninchtoonarrowtoensurethatcut-past-third-man-to-the-boundarywhichisconsideredoneofthemostgracefulstrokesinmyrepertoire.Worstofall,Ihavefounditatmomentsofcrisis(suchasthebeginningofthefirstover)utterlyinadequatetodealwiththeballwhichkeepslow.Whenbowledbysuchaball--andImaysaythatIamneverbowledbyanyother--IlookreproachfullyatthebottomofmybatasIwalkbacktothepavilion."Surely,"Isaytoit,"youweremuchlongerthanthiswhenwestartedout?"
Perhapsitwasnotmagnanimousalwaystoputtheblameonmypartnerforouraccidentstogether.Itwouldhavebeenmorechivalroustohaveshieldedhim."No,no,"Ishouldhavesaidtomycompanionsastheyreceivedmewithsympatheticmurmursof"Badluck,"--"no,no,you
mustn'tthinkthat.Itwasmyownfault.Don'treproachthebat."Itwouldhavebeenwelltohavespokenthus;andindeed,whenIhadhadtimetocollectmyself,Ididsospeak.Butoutonthefield,inthefirstshameofdefeat,Ihadtoletthetruthcomeout.ThatonereproachfulglanceatmybatIcouldnothide.
Buttherewasonehabitofmybat's--aweaknessofoldage,Iadmit,butnotthelessannoying--aboutwhichitwasmydutytoletalltheworldknow.One'sgrandfathermayhaveapassionforthegumonthebackofpostage-stamps,andonehushesitup;butifhebedeafthevisitormustbewarned.Mybathadacertainloosenessintheshoulder,sothat,atanyquickmovementofit,itclicked.IfIstrucktheballwellandtrulyinthedirectionofpointthisdefectdidnotmatter;butifthe
ballwentpastmeintothehandsofthewicket-keeper,anunobservantbowlerwouldfrequentlysay,"How'sthat?"Andanill-informedumpirewouldreply,"Out."Itwasmydutybeforethegamebegantotakethevisitingumpireononesideandgivehimapracticaldemonstrationoftheclick...
Butthesearetroublesofthepast.Ihavemynewbatnow,andIcanseethatcricketwillbecomeadifferentgameforme.Mypracticeofthismorninghasconvincedmeofthis.Itwasnotoneofyourstupidpracticesatthenet,withtwoburlyprofessionalsbumpingdownballsatyourbodyandtellingyouto"Comeouttothem,Sir."Itwasaquietpracticeinmyroomsafterbreakfast,withnomovingobjecttodistractmyattentionandspoilmystroke.Thebatcomesupwell.Itislight,
andyetthereisplentyofwoodinit.Itsdrivesalongthecarpetwereexcellent;itscutsandlegglidesallthatcouldbewished.Iwasalittledisappointedwithitshalf-armhook,whichdislodgedateacupandgavewhatwouldhavebeenaneasycatchtomid-onstandingcloseinbythesofa;butIamconvincedthatalittleoilwillsoonputthatright.
Andyetthereseemedtobesomethinglackinginit.Aftertryingeverystrokewithit;aftertuckingitundermyarmandwalkingbacktothebathroom,touchingmycapatthepianolaontheway;afterexperimentswithitinallpositions,Istillfeltthattherewassomethingwanting
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tomakeittheperfectbat.SoIputitinacabandwentroundwithittoHenry.Henryhasbrightenedfirst-classcricketforsomeyearsnow.
"Tellme,Henry,"Isaid,"what'swrongwiththisbat?"
"Itseemsallright,"hesaid,afterwavingitabout."Ratheragoodone."
Ilaiditdownonthefloorandlookedatit.ThenIturneditonitsfaceandlookedatit.AndthenIknew.
"Itwantsalittlesilvershieldontheback,"Isaid."That'sit."
"Why,isitapresentationbat?"askedHenry.
"Inasense,yes.ItwaspresentedtomebyTwyford."
"Whatfor?"
"Really,"Isaidmodestly,"Ihardlylike----Whydopeoplegiveonethings?Affection,Henry;pity,generosity--er----"
"Areyougoingtoputthatontheshield?'Presentedoutofsheerpityto----'"
"Don'tbesilly;ofcoursenot.Ishallput'PresentedincommemorationofhismasterlydoublecenturyagainsttheAuthentics,'orsomethinglikethat.You'venoideahowitimpressesthewicket-keeper.Hereallyseesquitealotofthebackofone'sbat."
"Yourinscription,"saidHenry,ashefilledhispipeslowly,"willbeeitheralieorextremelyunimpressive."
"Itwillbeneither,Henry.IfIputmyownnameonit,andtalkedaboutmydoublecentury,ofcourseitwouldbealie;buttheinscriptionwillbetoStanleyBolland."
"Who'she?"
"Idon'tknow.I'vejustmadehimup.Butnow,supposingmylittleshieldsays,'StanleyBolland.H.P.C.C.--Season1912.Battingaverage116.34.'--howisthatalie?"
"WhatdoesH.P.C.C.standfor?"
"Idon'tknow.Itdoesn'tmeananythingreally.I'llleaveout'Battingaverage'ifitmakesitmoretruthful.'StanleyBolland.H.P.C.C.,1912.116.34.'It'sreallyjustalittlenoteImakeonthebackofmybattoremindmeofsomethingorotherI'veforgotten.116.34isprobablyBolland'stelephonenumberorthesizeofsomethingIwantathisshop.
Butbyapureaccidentthewicket-keeperthinksitmeanssomethingelse;andhetellsthebowlerattheendoftheoverthatit'sthatchapBollandwhohadanaverageofoveracenturyfortheHampsteadPolytechniclastyear.Ofcoursethatmakesthebowlernervousandhestartssendingdownlong-hops."
"Isee,"saidHenry;andhebegantoreadhispaperagain.
Soto-morrowItakemybattothesilversmith'sandhavealittleengravedshieldfastenedon.Ofcourse,withareallytrustworthyweapon
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Iamcertaintocollectpotsofrunsthisseason.Butthereisnoharminmakingthingsaseasyaspossibleforoneself.
Andyetthereisthistobethoughtof.Eventheverybestbatintheworldmayfailtoscore,anditmightsohappenthatIwasdismissed(owingtosomedefectinthepitch)beforemysilvershieldhadtimetoimpresstheopposition.Oragain,Imight(throughill-health)performsobadlythatquiteawrongimpressionofthestandardoftheHampsteadPolytechnicwouldbecreated,animpressionwhichIshouldhatetobetheinnocentmeansofcirculating.
SoonsecondthoughtsIleantoadifferentinscription.Onthebackofmybataplainsilvershieldwillsayquitesimplythis:--
TOSTANLEYBOLLAND,FORSAVINGLIFEATSEA.FROMAFEWADMIRERS.
ThusIshallhavetwostringstomybow.Andif,byanyunhappychance,Ifailasacricketer,thewicket-keeperwillsaytohiscomradesasIwalksadlytothepavilion,"Apoorbatperhaps,butabrave--averybravefellow."
Itbecomesusalltomakeatleastoneefforttobrightencricket.
UNCLEEDWARD
Celiahasmorerelationsthanwouldseempossible.Iamgraduallygettingtoknowsomethembysightandafewmorebyname,butIstillmakemistakes.Theotherday,forinstance,shehappenedtosayshewasgoingtoaconcertwithUncleGodfrey.
"Godfrey,"Isaid,"Godfrey.No,don'ttellme--Ishallgetitinamoment.Godfrey...Yes,that'sit;he'sthearchitect.HelivesatLiverpool,hasfivechildren,andsentustheasparagus-coolerasaweddingpresent."
"Nomarks,"saidCelia.
"Thenhe'stheunmarriedoneinScotlandwhobreedsterriers.IknewIshouldgetit."
"AsamatteroffacthelivesinLondonandbreedsoratorios."
"It'sthesameidea.ThatwastheoneImeant.ThegreatpointisthatI
placedhim.Nowgivemeanotherone."Ileantforwardeagerly.
"Well,Iwasjustgoingtoaskyou--haveyouarrangedanythingaboutMonday?"
"Monday,"Isaid,"Monday.No,don'ttellme--Ishallgetitinamoment.Monday...He'stheonewho----Oh,youmeanthedayoftheweek?"
"Who'safunny?"askedCeliaoftheteapot.
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"Sorry;Ireallythoughtyoumeantanotherrelation.WhatamIdoing?I'mplayinggolfifIcanfindsomebodytoplaywith."
"Well,askEdward."
IcouldplaceEdwardatonce.Edward,Ineedhardlysay,isCelia'suncle;oneoftheonesIhavenotyetmet.Hemarriedaveryyoungauntofhers,notmucholderthanCelia.
"ButIdon'tknowhim,"Isaid.
"Itdoesn'tmatter.Writeandaskhimtomeetyouatthegolfclub.I'msurehe'dloveto."
"Wouldn'thethinkitrathercool,thissuddenattackfromaperfectlyunknownnephew?Ifancythefirststepoughttocomefromuncle."
"Butyou'reolderthanheis."
"True.It'sratheratrickypointinetiquette.Well,I'llriskit."
ThiswastheletterIsenttohim:--
"MYDEARUNCLEEDWARD,--Whyhaven'tyouwrittentomethisterm?IhavespentthefiveshillingsyougavemewhenIcameback;itwasawfullyrippingofyoutogiveittome,butIhavespentitnow.Areyoucomingdowntoseemethisterm?Ifyouaren'tyoumightwritetome;thereisapost-officeherewhereyoucanchangepostalorders.
"WhatIreallymeanttosaywas,canyouplaygolfwithmeonMondayatMudburyHill?Iamyournewandfavouritenephew,anditisquitetimewemet.Beattheclub-houseat2.30,ifyoucan.Idon'tquiteknowhowweshallrecognizeeachother,butthewell-dressedmaninthenut-brownsuitwillprobablybeme.Myfeaturesareplainbutgood,exceptwhereIfellagainstthebath-tapsyesterday.Ifyou
havefallenagainstanythingwhichwouldgivemeacluetoyourfaceyoumightletmeknow.Alsoyoumightletmeknowifyouareaprofessoratgolf;ifyouare,IwillreadsomemorebooksonthesubjectbetweennowandMonday.Justatthemomentmygameisputrid.
"Yournieceandmywifesendsherlove.Good-bye.IwastopofmyclassinLatinlastweek.Imustnowstop,asitismybath-night.
"Iam,"Yourloving"NEPHEW."
ThenextdayIhadaletterfrommyuncle:--
"MYDEARNEPHEW,--Iwassogladtogetyournicelittleletterandtohearthatyouwereworkinghard.Letmeknowwhenitisyourbath-nightagain;thesethingsalwaysinterestme.IshallbedelightedtoplaygolfwithyouonMonday.Youwillhavenodifficultyinrecognizingme.IshoulddescribemyselfroughlyassomethinglikeApolloandsomethinglikeLittleTich,ifyouknowwhatImean.Itdependshowyoucomeuptome.Iamanexcellentgolferandnevertakemorethantwoputtsinabunker.
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"Till2.30then.Iencloseapostal-orderforsixpence,toseeyouthroughtherestoftheterm.
"Yourfavouriteuncle,"EDWARD."
IshowedittoCelia.
"Perhapsyoucoulddescribehimmoreminutely,"Isaid."IhatewanderingaboutvaguelyandaskingeverybodyIseeifhe'smyuncle.Itseemssoodd."
"You'resuretomeetallright,"saidCeliaconfidently."He's--well,he'snice-lookingand--andclean-shaven--and,oh,you'llrecognizehim."
At2.30onMondayIarrivedattheclub-houseandwaitedformyuncle.Variouspeopleappeared,butnoneseemedinwantofanephew.When2.45cametherewasstillnoavailableuncle.True,therewasoneunattachedmanreadinginacornerofthesmoke-room,buthehadamoustache--thesortofheavymoustacheoneassociateswithamajor.
Atthreeo'clockIbecamedesperate.Afterall,Celiahadnotseen
Edwardforsometime.Perhapshehadgrownamoustachelately;perhapshehadgrownonespeciallyforto-day.Atanyratetherewouldbenoharminaskingthismajormanifhewasmyuncle.Evenifhewasn'themightgivemeagameofgolf.
"Excuseme,"Isaidpolitely,"butareyoubyanychancemyUncleEdward?"
"Yourwhat?"
"Iwasalmostcertainyouweren't,butIthoughtI'djustask.I'msorry."
"Notatall.Naturallyonewantstofindone'suncle.Haveyou--er--losthimlong?"
"Years,"Isaidsadly."Er--Iwonderifyouwouldcaretoadoptme--Imean,givemeagamethisafternoon.Mymanhasn'tturnedup."
"Byallmeans.I'mnotverygreat."
"NeitheramI.Shallwestartnow?Good."
IwassorrytomissEdward,butIwasn'tgoingtomissagameofgolfonsuchalovelyday.Myspiritsrose.NoteventhefactthattherewerenocaddiesleftandIhadtocarrymyownclubscoulddepressme.
TheMajordrove.Iamnotgoingtodescribethewholegame;thoughmycleekshotatthefifthhole,fromahanginglietowithintwofeetofthe----However,Imustn'tgointothatnow.ButitsurprisedtheMajoragooddeal.AndwhenatthenextholeIlaidmybrassieabsolutelydead,he----ButIcantellyouaboutthatsomeothertime.Itissufficienttosaynowthat,whenwereachedtheseventeenthtee,Iwasoneup.
Webothplayedtheseventeenthwell.Hewasafootfromtheholein
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four.Iplayedmythirdfromtheedgeofthegreen,andwasridiculouslyshort,givingmyselfatwenty-footputtforthehole.LeavingmyclubsIwentforwardwiththeputter,andbytheabsurdestluckpushedtheballin.
"Good,"saidtheMajor."Yourgame."
Iwentbackformyclubs.WhenIturnedroundtheMajorwaswalkingcarelesslyofftothenexttee,leavingtheflaglyingonthegreenandmyballstillinthetin.
"Slacker,"Isaidtomyself,andwalkeduptothehole.
AndthenIhadaterribleshock.Isawinthetin,notmyball,butamoustache!
"AmIgoingmad?"Isaid."IcouldhaveswornthatIdroveoffwitha'Colonel,'andyetIseemtohaveholedoutwithaMajor'smoustache!"Ipickeditupandhurriedafterhim.
"Major,"Isaid,"excuseme,you'vedroppedyourmoustache.Itfelloffatthecriticalstageofthematch;theshockoflosingwastoomuchforyou;thestrainof----"
Heturnedhisclean-shavenfaceroundandgrinnedatme."Onsecondthoughts,"hesaid,"Iamyourlong-lostuncle."
THERENASCENCEOFBRITAIN
PeterRileywasoneofthoseluckypeoplewhotakenaturallytogames.Actuallyhegothisblueforcricket,rugger,andboxing,buthisperfecteyeandwristmadehimabeautifulplayerofanygamewitha
ball.Alsoherodeandshotwell,andknewallabouttheinsideofacar.But,althoughhewasalwaysenthusiasticaboutanythinghewasdoing,hewasnotreallykeenongames.Hepreferredwanderingaboutthecountrylookingforbirds'nestsordiscoveringthehauntsofrarebutterflies;helikedmanagingasmallboatsingle-handedinastiffbreeze;hewouldhaveenjoyedbeingupsetandhavingtoswimalongwaytoshore.Mostofall,perhaps,helovedtolieonthetopofthecliffsandthinkofthewonderfulthingsthathewoulddoforEnglandwhenhewasaCabinetMinister.Forpoliticswastobehisprofession,andhehadjusttakenafirstinHistorybywayofpreparationforit.
TherewerealotofsillypeoplewhoenviedPeter'smother.Theythought,poordears,thatshemustbevery,veryproudofhim,forthey
regardedPeterastheidealofthemodernyoungEnglishman."IfonlymyboygrowsuptobelikePeterRiley!"theyusedtosaytothemselves;andthenaddquickly,"Butofcoursehe'llbemuchnicer."Intheirignorancetheydidn'tseethatitwasthePetersofEnglandwhoweremakingourcountrythelaughing-stockoftheworld.
IfyouhadbeeninBerlinin1916,youwouldhaveseenPeter;forhehadbeenpersuaded,muchagainsthiswill,toupholdthehonourofGreatBritaininthemiddle-weightsattheOlympicGames.Hegotapositioninthepapersas"P.Riley,disqualified"--theresult,hecouldonly
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suppose,ofhisfollyinallowinghisopponenttobutthiminthestomach.Hewasbothannoyedandamusedaboutit;offeredtofighthisvanquisheranytimeinEngland;andprivatelythankedHeaventhathecouldnowgetbacktoLondonintimeforhisfavouritesister'swedding.
Buthedidn't.TheEnglishtrainer,whohadbeensent,atthepublicexpense,toAmericaforayear,tostudythepropermethods,gotholdofhim.
"I'vebeenwatchingyou,youngman,"hesaid."You'llhavetogiveyourselfuptomenow.You'rethecomingchampion."
"I'msorry,"saidPeterpolitely,"butIshan'tbefightingagain."
"Fighting!"saidthetrainerscornfully."Don'tyouworry;I'lltakegoodcarethatyoudon'tfightanymore.Theeventyou'regoingtowinis'PushingtheChisel.'I'vebeenwatchingyou,andyou'vegotthemostperfectneckandcalf-musclesforitI'veeverseen.Nomorefightingforyou,myboy;norcricket,noranythingelse.I'mnotgoingtoletyouspoilthosemuscles."
"Idon'tthinkI'veeverpushedtheChisel,"saidPeter."Besides,it'sover,isn'tit?"
"Over?Ofcourseit'sover,andthatconfoundedAmericanwon.'PooroldEngland,'asallthepaperssaid."
"Thenit'stoolatetobegintopractise,"saidPeterthankfully.
"Well,it'stoolateforthe1920games.Butwecandoalotineightyears,andIthinkIcangetyoufitforthe1924gamesatPekin."
Peterstaredathiminamazement.
"Mygoodman,"hesaidatlast,"in1924IshallbeinLondon;andIhopeintheHouseofCommons."
"Andwhataboutthehonourofyourcountry?DoyouwanttoreadthejeersintheAmericanpaperswhenwelose'PushingtheChisel'in1924?"
"Idon'tcareacursewhattheAmericanpaperssay,"saidPeterangrily.
"Thenyou'reverydifferentfromotherEnglishmen,"saidthetrainersternly.
.....
Ofcourse,Peterwaspersuaded;hecouldn'tletEnglandbethelaughing-stockoftheworld.Soforeightyearshelivedundertheeyeofthetrainer,risingatfiveandretiringtobedatseven-thirty.This
preventedhimfromtakingmuchpartintheordinarysocialactivitiesoftheevening;andevenhisluncheonandgarden-partyinvitationshadtobedeclinedinsomesuchwordsas"Mr.PeterRileyregretsthatheisunabletoacceptLadyVavasour'skindinvitationforMondaythe13th,ashewillbehoppingroundthegardenononelegthen."Hiscareer,too,hadtobeabandoned;foritwasplainthat,evenifhehadtheleisuretogetintoParliament,theearlyhourshekeptwouldnotallowhimtotakepartinanyimportantdivisions.
Buttherewerecompensations.Ashewatchedhiscalvesswell;ashe
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lookedintheglassandnoticedeachmorningthathisheadwasalittlemoreononeside--suresignoftheexpertChisel-pusher;as,stillsurersign,hishandsbecamemoreknucklyandhismouthremainedmorepermanentlyopen,heknewthathisdevotiontodutywouldnotbewithoutitsreward.Hesawalreadyhiscountrytriumphing,andheardthechorusofcongratulationinthenewspapersthatEnglandwasstillanationofsportsmen....
In1924Pekinwascrowded.Therewere,ofcourse,theordinarymillioninhabitants;and,inaddition,peoplehadthrongedfromallpartstoseethegreatChisel-pusherofwhomsomuchhadbeenheard.Thattheydidnotcomeinvain,weinLondonknewoneJulymorningasweopenedourpapers.
"PUSHINGTHECHISEL(FreeStyle).
"1.P.Riley(GreatBritain),5-3/4in.(World'sRecord).2.H.Biffpoffer(America),5-1/2in.A.Wafer(America)wasdisqualifiedforgoingoutsidethewood."
.....
AndsoEnglandwasherselfagain.Therewasonlyonediscordantnoteinhertriumph.Mr.P.A.VailepointedoutinallthepapersthatPeter
Riley,intheusualpig-headedEnglishway,hadbeenemployingentirelythewronggrip.Mr.Vaile'sbook,HowtoPushtheChisel,illustratedwith50fullplatesofMr.VaileinknickerbockerspushingtheChisel,explainedthecorrectmethod.
THEBIRTHDAYPRESENT
"It'smybirthdayto-morrow,"saidMrs.Jeremyassheturnedthepagesofherengagementbook.
"Blessus,soitis,"saidJeremy."You'rethirty-nineortwenty-sevenorsomething.Imustgoandexaminethewine-cellar.Ibelievethere'sonebottleleftintheApollinarisbin.It'stheonlystuffinthehousethatfizzes."
"Jeremy!I'monlytwenty-six."
"Youdon'tlookit,darling;Imeanyoudolookit,dear.WhatImean--well,nevermindthat.Let'stalkaboutbirthdaypresents.Thinkofsomethingabsolutelytremendousformetogiveyou."
"Aropeofpearls."
"Ididn'tmeanthatsortoftremendousness,"saidJeremyquickly."Anyonecouldgiveyouaropeofpearls;it'ssimplyaquestionofoverdrawingenoughfromthebank.Imeantsomethingdifficultthatwouldreallyprovemyloveforyou--likeLloydGeorge'searortheKaiser'scigar-holder.SomethingwhereIcouldkillsomebodyforyoufirst.Iaminaverydevotedmoodthismorning."
"Areyoureally?"smiledMrs.Jeremy."Because----"
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"Iam.SoisBaby,unfortunately.Shewillprobablywanttogiveyousomethinghorriblyexpensive.Betweenourselves,dear,IshallbegladwhenBabyisoldenoughtobuyherownpresentsforhermamma.LastChristmasherideaofacompleteeditionofMeredithandapairofsilver-backedbrushesnearlyruinedme."
"Youwon'tberuinedthistime,Jeremy.Idon'twantyoutogivemeanything;Iwantyoutoshowthatdevotionofyoursbydoingsomethingforme."
"Anything,"saidJeremygrandly."ShallIswimtheChannel?Iwaspractisingmynewtrudgeonstrokeinthebaththismorning."Hegotupfromhischairandpreparedtogiveanexhibitionofit.
"No,nothinglikethat."Mrs.Jeremyhesitated,lookedanxiouslyathim,andthenwentboldlyatit."Iwantyoutogoinforthatphysicalculturethateveryone'stalkingabout."
"Who'severyone?Cookhasn'tsaidawordtomeonthesubject;neitherhasBaby;neitherhas----"
"Mrs.Hodgkinwastalkingtomeaboutityesterday.Shewassayinghowthinyouwerelooking."
"Thescandalthatgoesoninthesevillages,"sighedJeremy."AndtheVicar'swifetoo.Dear,allthisisweeksandweeksold;IsupposeithasonlyjustreachedtheVicarage.Doletusbeup-to-date.PhysicalculturehasbeenquitedémodésincelastThursday."
"Well,Ineversawanythinginthepaper"----
"Knowingwhatwivesare,Ihiditfromyou.Letusnow,mydearwife,talkofsomethingelse."
"Jeremy!Notformybirthdaypresent?"saidhiswifeinareproachfulvoice."TheVicardoesthemeverymorning,"sheaddedcasually.
"Poorbeggar!Butit'swhatVicarsarefor."Jeremychuckledtohimself."Ishouldlovetoseehim,"hesaid."Isupposeit'sprivate,though.PerhapsifIsaid'Press'----"
"Youarethin,youknow."
"Mydear,theproperwaytogetfatisnottotakeviolentexercise,buttolieinahammockalldayanddrinkmilk.Besides,doyouwantafathusband?DoesBabywantafatfather?Youwouldn'tlike,atyournextgardenparty,tohaveeverybodyaskingyouinawhisper,'Whoistheenormouslystoutgentleman?'IfNaturemademethin--or,tobemoreaccurate,slenderandofapleasinglitheness--letusbelievethatsheknewbest."
"Itisn'tonlythinness;theseexerciseskeepyouyoungandwellandactiveinmind."
"LiketheVicar?"
"He'sonlyjustbegun,"saidhiswifehastily.
"Let'swaitabitandwatchhim,"suggestedJeremy."Ifhissermonsreallygetbetter,thenI'llthinkaboutitseriously.Imakeyoua
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presentofhisbaldness;Ishan'taskforanyimprovementthere."
Mrs.Jeremywentovertoherhusbandandpattedthetopofhishead.
"'Inaverydevotedmoodthismorning,'"shequoted.
Jeremylookedunhappy.
"Whatpainsmemostaboutthis,"hesaid,"istherevelationofyourshortcomingsasawife.Yououghttothinkmethepictureofmanlybeauty.Babydoes.Shethinksthat,nexttothepostman,Iamoneofthe----"
"Soyouare,dear."
"Well,whynotleaveit?Really,Ican'twastemytimefatteningrefinedgoldandstouteningthelily.Iamabusyman.Iwalkupanddownthepergola,Ikeepadog,Ipaintlittlewater-colours,Iamtreasurerofthecricketclub;mylifeisfullofactivities."
"Thisonlytakesaquarterofanhourbeforeyourbath,Jeremy."
"Iamshavingthen;Ishouldcutmyselfandgetallthesoapinmyeyes.Itwouldbemostdangerous.Whenyouwereawidow,andBabyandthepony
wereorphans,youandMrs.Hodgkinwouldbesorry.Butitwouldbetoolate.TheVicar,tearinghimselfawayfromPosition5toconductthefuneralservice----"
"Jeremy,don't!"
"Ah,woman,nowImoveyou.Youarebeginningtoseewhatyouwereindangerofdoing.DeathIlaughat;butafatdeath--thedeathofastoutmanwhohasswallowedtheshaving-brushthroughtakingtoodeepabreathbeforebeginningExercise3,thatismorethanIcanbear."
"Jeremy!"
"WhenIsaidIwantedtokillsomeoneforyou,Ididn'tthinkyouwouldsuggestmyself,leastofallthatyouwantedmefatteneduplikeaChristmasturkeyfirst.Togodowntoposterityasthelarge-bodiedgentlemanwhoinhaledthebadger'shair;tobebilledintheLondonpressinthewords,'CuriousFatalAccidenttoAdiposeTreasurer'--todothissimplybywayofcelebratingyourtwenty-sixthbirthday,whenweactuallyhaveabottleofApollinarisleftintheApollinarisbin--darling,youcannothavebeenthinking----"
Hiswifepattedhisheadagaingently."Oh,Jeremy,youhopelessperson,"shesighed."Givemeanewsunshade.Iwantonebadly."
"No,"saidJeremy,"Babyshallgiveyouthat.FormyselfIamstill
feelingthatIshouldliketokillsomebodyforyou.LloydGeorge?No.F.E.Smith?N-no...."Herubbedhisheadthoughtfully."Whoinventedthoseexercises?"heaskedsuddenly.
"AGerman,Ithink."
"Then,"saidJeremy,buttoninguphiscoat,"Ishallgoandkillhim."
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ONEOFOURSUFFERERS
ThereisnoquestionbeforethecountryofmoreimportancethanthatofNationalHealth.InmyownsmallwayIhavemadesomethingofastudyofit,andwhenaRoyalCommissionbeginsitsenquiries,IshallputbeforeittheevidencewhichIhaveaccumulated.IshalllayparticularstressuponthehealthofThomson.
"You'llbeatmeto-day,"hesaid,asheswunghisclubstifflyonthefirsttee;"Ishan'tbeabletohitaball."
"Youshouldhavesomelessons,"Isuggested.
Thomsongaveasnortofindignation.
"It'snotthat,"hesaid."ButI'vebeenveryseedylately,and----"
"That'sallright;Ishan'tmind.Ihaven'tplayedathoroughlywellmanforamonth,now."
"Youknow,Ithinkmyliver----"
Iheldupmyhand.
"Notbeforemycaddie,please,"Isaidseverely;"heisquiteachild."
Thomsonsaidnomoreforthemoment,buthithisballhardandstraightalongtheground.
"It'sperfectlyabsurd,"hesaidwithashrug;"Ishan'tbeabletogiveyouagameatall.Well,ifyoudon'tmindplayingasickman----"
"Notifyoudon'tmindbeingone,"Ireplied,anddroveaballwhichalsowentalongtheground,butnotsofarasmyopponent's."There!I'm
abouttheonlymaninEnglandwhocandothatwhenhe'squitewell."
Theballwassittingupnicelyformysecondshot,andImanagedtoputitonthegreen.Thomson's,fiftyyardsfartheron,wasrecliningintheworstpartofabunkerwhichhehadforgottenabout.
"Well,really,"hesaid,"there'sanexampleofluckforyou.Yourball----"
"Ididn'tdoitonpurpose,"Ipleaded."Don'tbeangrywithme."
Hemadetwoattemptstogetout,andthenpickedhisballup.Wewalkedinsilencetothesecondtee.
"Thistime,"Isaid,"Ishallhitthesphereproperly,"andwithaterrificswingIstrokeditgentlyintoagorsebush.Ilookedatthethingindisgustandthenfeltmypulse.ApparentlyIwasstillquitewell.Thomson,forgettingabouthisliver,droveabeauty.Wemetonthegreen.
"Five,"Isaid.
"Onlyfive?"askedThomsonsuspiciously.
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"Six,"Isaid,holingaverylongputt.
Thomson'shealthhadarelapse.Hetookfourshortputtsandwasdowninseven.
"It'sreallyratherabsurd,"hesaid,inaconversationalway,aswewenttothenexttee,"thatputtingshouldbesoridiculouslyimportant.Takethathole,forinstance.Igetonthegreeninaperfectthree;youfluffyourdrivecompletelyandgetonin--whatwasit?"
"Five,"Isaidagain.
"Er--five.Andyetyouwinthehole.Itisratherabsurd,isn'tit?"
"I'veoftenthoughtso,"Iadmittedreadily."Thatistosay,whenI'vetakenfourputts.I'mtwoup."
OnthethirdteeThomson'shealthbecamepositivelyalarming.Hemissedtheballaltogether.
"It'sridiculoustotrytoplay,"hesaid,withaforcedlaugh."Ican'tseetheballatall."
"It'sstillthere,"Iassuredhim.Hestruckatitagainandithurriedoffintoaditch.
"Lookhere,"hesaid,"wouldn'tyouratherplaythepro.?Thisisnotmuchofamatchforyou."
Iconsidered.Ofcourse,agamewiththepro.wouldbemuchpleasanterthanagamewithThomson,butoughtItoleavehiminhispresentseriousconditionofhealth?Hisillnesswasapproachingitscriticalstage,anditwasmydutytopullhimthroughifIcould.
"No,no,"Isaid."Let'sgoon.Thefreshairwilldoyougood."
"Perhapsitwill,"hesaidhopefully."I'msorryI'mlikethis,butI'vehadacoldhangingaboutforsomedays,andthatonthetopofmyliver----"
"Quiteso,"Isaid.
Theclimaxwasreached,atthenexthole,when,withseveralstrokesinhand,hetoppedhisapproachshotintoabunker.Formysakehetriedtolookasthoughhehadmeanttorunitupalongtheground,havingforgottenabouttheinterveninghazard.Itwasabraveefforttohidefrommetherealstateofhishealth,buthesoonsawthatitwashopeless.Hesighedandpressedhishandtohiseyes.Thenheheldhis
fingersafootawayfromhim,andlookedatthemasifheweretryingtocountthemcorrectly.Hisstatewaspitiable,andIfeltthatatanycostImustsavehim.
Idid.Thecornerwasturnedatthefifth,whereItookfourputts.
"Youaren'tgoingtowinalltheholes,"hesaidgrudgingly,asherandownhisputt.
Convalescencesetinatthesixth,whenIgotintoanimpossibleplace
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andpickedup.
"Oh,well,Ishallgiveyouagameyet,"hesaid."Twodown."
Theneedforfurtherbulletinsceasedattheseventhhole,whichheplayedreallywellandwoneasily.
"A-ha,youwon'tbeatmebymuch,"hesaid,"inspiteofmyliver."
"Bytheway,howistheliver?"Iasked.
"Yourfresh-aircureisdoingitgood.Ofcourse,itmaycomeonagain,but----"Hedroveascreamer."IthinkIshallbeallright,"heannounced.
"Allsquare,"hesaidcheerilyattheninth."IfancyI'mgoingtobeatyounow.Notbad,youknow,consideringyouwerefourup.Practicallyspeaking,Igaveyouastartoffourholes."
Idecidedthatitwastimetomakeaneffortagain,seeingthatThomson'shealthwasnowthoroughlyre-established.OfthenextsevenholesImanagedtowinthreeandhalvetwo.Itisonlyfairtosay,though(asThomsondidseveraltimes),thatIhadanextraordinaryamountofgoodluck,andthathewasdoggedbyill-fortunethroughout.
Butthis,afterall,isasnothingsolongasone'shealthisabovesuspicion.ThegreatthingwasthatThomson'sliversufferednorelapse;eventhough,attheseventeenthtee,hewasonedownandtwotoplay.
AnditwasontheseventeenthteethatIhadtothinkseriouslyhowIwantedthematchtoend.ThomsonatlunchwhenhehaswonisaverydifferentmanfromThomsonatlunchwhenhehaslost.ThemoreIthoughtaboutit,themoreIrealizedthatIwasinratherahappyposition.IfIwon,Iwon--whichwasjolly;ifIlost,Thomsonwon--andweshouldhaveapleasantlunch.
However,asithappened,thematchwashalved.
"Yes,Iwasafraidso,"saidThomson;"Iletyougettoolongastart.It'sabsurdtosupposethatIcangiveyoufourholesupandbeatyou.Itpracticallyamountstogivingyoufourbisques.Fourbisquesisaboutsixstrokes--I'mnotreallysixstrokesbetterthanyou."
"Whataboutlunch?"Isuggested.
"Good;andyoucanhaveyourrevengeafterwards."Heledthewayintothepavilion."NowIwonder,"hesaid,"whatIcansafelyeat.Iwanttobeabletogiveyousomesortofagamethisafternoon."
Well,ifthereiseveraRoyalCommissionuponthenationalphysiqueIshallinsistongivingevidence.Foritseemstomethatgolf,farfrom
improvingthehealthofthecountry,isactuallyunderminingit.Thomson,atanyrate,sincehehastakentothegame,hasneverbeenquitefit.
INTHESWIM
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"Doyoutango?"askedMissHopkins,assoonaswewerecomfortablyseated.IknowhernamewasHopkins,becauseIhadherdownonmyprogrammeasPopkins,whichseemedtoogoodtobetrue;and,inordertogiveherachanceofreconsideringit,IhadaskedherifshewasoneofthePopkinsesofHampshire.IthadthenturnedoutthatshewasreallyoneoftheHopkinsesofMaidaVale.
"No,"Isaid,"Idon't."Shewasonlythefifthpersonwhohadaskedme,butthenshewasonlymyfifthpartner.
"Oh,yououghtto.Youmustbeup-to-date,youknow."
"I'malwaysabitlatewiththesethings,"Iexplained."ThewaltzcametoEnglandin1812,butIdidn'treallymasterittill1904."
"I'mafraidifyouwaitaslongasthatbeforeyoumasterthetangoitwillbeout."
"That'swhatIthought.BythetimeIlearntthetango,thebingowouldbein.Myideawastolearnthebingoinadvance,soastobereadyforit.Thinkhowyou'llallenvymein1917.ThinkhowSocietywillflocktomyBingoQuickLunches.IshallbetheonlymaninLondonwhobingoesproperly.Ofcourse,by1918you'llallbeatit."
"Thenwemusthaveonetogetherin1918,"smiledMissHopkins."In1918,"Ipointedoutcoldly,"Ishallbelearningthepongo."
MynextpartnerhadnonamethatIcoulddiscover,butafundofconversation.
"Doyoutango?"sheaskedmeassoonaswewerecomfortablyseated.
"No,"Isaid,"Idon't.But,"Iadded,"Ioncelearnedtheminuet."
"Oh,they'renotverymuchalike,arethey?"
"Notabit.However,luckilythatdoesn'tmatter,becauseI'veforgottenallthestepsnow."
Sheseemedalittlepuzzledanddecidedtochangethesubject.
"Areyougoingtolearnthetango?"sheasked.
"Idon'tthinkso.Ittookmefourmonthstolearntheminuet."
"Butthey'requitedifferent,aren'tthey?"
"Quite,"Iagreed.
Assheseemedtohaveexhaustedherselfforthemoment,itwasobviouslymybusinesstosaysomething.Therewasonlyonethingtosay.
"Doyoutango?"Iasked.
"No,"shesaid,"Idon't."
"Areyougoingtolearn?"
"Oh,yes!"
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"Ah!"Isaid;andfiveminuteslaterwepartedforever.
Thenextdancereallywasatango,andIsawtomyhorrorthatIhadanamedownforit.WithsomedifficultyIfoundtheownerofit,andpreparedtoexplaintoherthatunfortunatelyIcouldn'tdancethetango,butthatforprofoundconversationaboutitIwasundoubtedlytheman.Luckilysheexplainedfirst.
"I'mafraidIcan'tdothis,"sheapologised."I'msosorry."
"Notatall,"Isaidmagnanimously."We'llsititout."
Wefoundacomfortableseat.
"Doyoutango?"sheasked.
Iwastiredofsaying"No."
"Yes,"Isaid.
"Areyousureyouwouldn'tliketofindsomebodyelsetodoitwith?"
"Quite,thanks.ThefactisIdoitratherdifferentlyfromtheway
they'redoingithereto-night.Yousee,IactuallylearntitintheArgentine."
Shewasverymuchinterestedtohearthis.
"Really?Areyououttheremuch?I'vegotanunclelivingtherenow.Iwonderif----"
"WhenIsayIlearntitintheArgentine,"Iexplained,"ImeanthatIwasactuallytaughtitinSt.John'sWood,butthatmydancingmistresscamefrom----"
"InSt.John'sWood?"shesaideagerly."Buthowfunny!Mysisteris
learningthere.Iwonderif----"
Shewasaverydifficultpersontotalkto.Herrelationsseemedtospreadthemselvesallovertheplace.
"Perhapsthatishardlydoingjusticetothesituation,"Iexplainedagain."Itwouldbemoreaccuratetoputitlikethis.WhenIdecided--bytheway,doesyourfamilyfrequentParis?No?Good.Well,whenIdecidedtolearnthetango,thefactthatmyfriendstheHopkinsesofSt.John'sWood,orratherMaidaVale,hadalreadylearntitinParisnaturallyledmeto----Isay,whataboutanice?It'sgettingawfullyhotinhere."
"Oh,Idon'tthink----"
"I'llgoandgetthem,"Isaidhastily;andIwentandtookalongtimegettingthem,and,asitturnedoutthatshedidn'twanthersafterall,alongertimeeatingthem.WhenIwasreadyforconversationagainthenextdancewasbeginning.WithabowIrelinquishedhertoanother.
"Comealong,"saidabrightvoicebehindme;"thisisours."
"Hallo,Norah,isthatyou?Comeon."
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Wehurriedin,dancedinsilence,andthenfoundourselvesacomfortableseat.Foramomentneitherofusspoke....
"Haveyoulearntthetangoyet?"askedNorah.
"Fourteen,"Isaidaloud.
"Help!DoesthatmeanthatI'mthefourteenthpersonwhohasaskedyou?"
"Thenightisyetyoung,Norah.Youareonlytheeighth.ButIwasbettingthatyou'daskmebeforeIcountedtwenty.Youlost,andyouowemeapairofivory-backedhair-brushesandacigar-cutter."
"Bother!Anyhow,I'mnotgoingtobestoppedtalkingaboutthetangoifIwantto.DidyouknowIwaslearning?Icandothescissors."
"Good.We'lldothenewFleetStreetmovementtogether,thescissors-and-paste.Yougointotheball-roomanddothescissors,andI'll--er--stickhereanddothepaste."
"Can'tyoureallydoanyofitatall,andaren'tyougoingtolearn?"
"Ican'tdoanyofitatall,Norah.Iamnotgoingtolearn,Norah."
"Itisn'tsoverydifficult,youknow.I'dteachyoumyselffortuppence."
"Willyoustoptalkingaboutitforthreepence?"Iasked,andItookoutthreecoppers.
"No."
Isighedandputthembackagain.
.....
Itwasthelastdanceoftheevening.Myhostess,findingmelonely,haddraggedmeuptosomebody,andIandwhateverhernamewaswereinthesupper-roomdrinkingourfarewellsoup.Sofarwehadsaidnothingtoeachother.Iwaitedanxiouslyforhertobegin.Suddenlyshebegan.
"HaveyouthoughtaboutChristmaspresentsyet?"sheasked.
Inearlyswooned.WithdifficultyIremainedinanuprightposition.ShewasthefirstpersonwhohadnotbegunbyaskingmeifIdancedthetango!
"Excuseme,"Isaid."I'mafraidIdidn't--wouldyoutellmeyournameagain?"
Ifeltthatitoughttobecelebratedinsomeway.Ihadsomenotionofwritingasonnettoher.
"Hopkins,"shesaid;"Iknewyou'dforgottenme."
"OfcourseIhaven't,"Isaid,suddenlyrememberingher.Thesonnetwouldneverbewrittennow."Wehadadancetogetherbefore."
"Yes,"shesaid."Letmesee,"sheadded,"Ididaskyouifyoudanced
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thetango,didn'tI?"
THEMENWHOSUCCEED
THEHEIR
Mr.TrevorPilkington,ofthewell-knownfirmofTrevorPilkington,fixedhishornspectaclescarefullyuponhisnose,tookapinchofsnuff,sneezedtwice,gavehispapersapreliminaryrustle,lookedslowlyroundthecrowdedroom,andbegantoreadthewill.Throughfortyyearsofwill-readinghismethodofprocedurehadalwaysbeenthesame.ButJackSummers,whowassharinganottomanwithtwooftheoutdoorservants,thoughtthatMr.Pilkington'smannerismsweredesignedspeciallytoannoyhim,andhecouldscarcelycontrolhisimpatience.
YetnooneeverhadlesstohopefromthereadingofawillthanJack.Forthefirsttwentyyearsofhislifehisparentshadbroughthimupto
believethathiscousinCecilwasheirtohisUncleAlfred'senormousfortune,andforthesubsequenttenyearshiscousinCecilhadbroughthisUncleAlfredupinthesamebelief.Indeed,Cecilhadevenroughedoutoneortwowillsforsignature,andhadofferedtohelphisuncle--who,however,preferredtodothesethingsbyhimself--toholdthepen.Jackcouldnothelpfeelinggladthathiscousinwasnottheretoparadehisapproachingtriumph;anastycold,caughtaweekpreviouslyinattendinghisuncletotheLordMayor'sShow,havingkeptCecilinbed.
"TotheSocietyforthePreventionofCrueltytoChildren,tenshillingsandsixpence"--thewordscametohiminameaninglessdrone--"totheFreshAirFund,tenshillingsandsixpence;totheKingEdwardHospital
Fund,tenshillingsandsixpence"--wasallthemoneygoingincharities?--"tomynephewCecilLinley,whohastakensuchcareofme"--Mr.Pilkingtonhesitated--"fourshillingsandninepence;tomynephew,JohnSummers,whom,thankHeaven,Ihaveneverseen,fivemillionpounds----"
Alongwhistleofastonishmentcamefromtheottoman.Thesolicitorlookedupwithafrown.
"It'sthesurprise,"apologisedJack."Ihardlyexpectedsomuch.Ithoughtthatthatbrute--ImeanIthoughtmycousinCecilhadnobbled--thatistosay,wasgettingitall."
"ThelateMr.Alfredmadethreewills,"saidthelawyerinamomentofexpansion."InthefirsthelefthisnephewCecilalegacyofoneshillingandtenpence,inthesecondhebequeathedhimasumofthreeshillingsandtwopence,andinthelasthesetasidetheamountoffourshillingsandninepence.Theevidenceseemstoshowthatyourcousinwasrapidlyrisinginhisuncle'sestimation.You,ontheotherhand,havealwaysbeenalegateetotheamountoffivemillionpounds;butinthelastwillthereisatriflingconditionattached."Heresumedhispapers."Tomynephew,JohnSummers,fivemillionpounds,onconditionthat,withinoneyearfromthedateofmydeath,hemarriesMary
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Huggins,thedaughterofmyoldfriend,nowdeceased,WilliamHuggins."
JackSummersroseproudlyfromhisendoftheottoman.
"Thanks,"hesaidcurtly."Thattearsit.It'sverykindoftheoldgentleman,butIprefertochooseawifeformyself."Hebowedtothecompanyandstrodefromtheroom.
.....
ItwasacloudlessAugustday.IntheshadowofthegreatelmsthatfringedtheSussexlaneagirlsatmusing;onitssideinthegrassatherfeetabicycle,itsbackwheeldeflated.Shesatonthegrassybankwithherhatinherlap,quitecontenttowaituntilthefirstpasser-bywitharepairingoutfitinhispocketshouldoffertohelpher.
"CanIbeofanyassistance?"saidamanlyvoice,suddenlywakingherfromherreverie.
Sheturnedwithastart.Theownerofthevoicewasdressedinastylishknickerbockersuit;hiseyeswereblue,hisfacewastanned,hishairwascurly,andhewasatleastsixfoottall.Somuchshenoticedataglance.
"Mybicycle,"shesaid;"punctured."Inaminutehewasonhiskneesbesidethemachine.Arapidexaminationconvincedhimthatshehadnotover-statedthetruth,andhewhippedfromhispockettherepairingoutfitwithoutwhichhenevertravelled.
"Icandoitinamoment,"hesaid."Atleast,ifyoucanjusthelpmealittle."
Asshekneltbesidehimhecouldnotfailtobeawareofherwonderfulbeauty.Therepairs,somehow,tooklongerthanhethought.Theirheadswereveryclosetogetherallthetime,andindeedononeoccasioncameviolentlyintocontact.
"There,"hesaidatlast,gettingupandbarkinghisshinagainstthepedal."Conf----Thatwillbeallright."
"Thankyou,"shesaidtenderly.
Helookedatherwithoutdisguisinghisadmiration;atall,straightfigureinthesunlight,itsrightshinrubbingitselfvigorouslyagainstitsleftcalf.
"It'sabsurd,"hesaidatlast;"IfeelasifI'veknownyouforyears.And,anyway,I'mcertainI'veseenyoubeforesomewhere."
"DidyouevergotoTheSeasideGirl?"sheaskedeagerly.
"Often."
"DoyouremembertheSpanishprincesswhocameonatthebeginningoftheSecondActandsaid,'Wow-wow!'totheMayor?"
"Why,ofcourse!AndyouhadyourphotographinTheSketch,TheTatler,TheBystander,andTheSportingandDramaticallinthesameweek?"
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Thegirlnoddedhappily."Yes,I'mMarieHuguenot!"shesaid.
"AndI'mJackSummers;sonowweknoweachother."Hetookherhand."Marie,"hesaid,"eversinceIhavemendedyourbicycle--Imean,eversinceIhaveknownyou,Ihavelovedyou.Willyoumarryme?"
"Jack!"shecooed."Youdidsay'Jack,'didn'tyou?"
"Blessyou,Marie.Weshallbeverypoor,dear.Willyoumind?"
"Notwithyou,Jack.Atleast,notifyoumeanwhatImeanby'verypoor.'"
"Twothousandayear."
"Yes,that'saboutwhatImeant."
Jacktookherinhisarms.
"AndMaryHugginscangoandmarrythePope,"hesaid,withasmile.
Withalookofalarminhereyesshepushedhimsuddenlyawayfromher.Therewasacrashashisfootwentthroughthefrontwheelofthe
bicycle."MaryHuggins?"shecried.
"Yes,IwasleftafortuneonconditionthatImarriedapersoncalledMaryHuggins.Absurd!Asthough----"
"Howmuch?"
"Oh,quitealotifitwasn'tfortheseconfoundeddeathduties.Fivemillionpounds.Yousee----"
"Jack,Jack!"criedthegirl."Don'tyouunderstand?IamMary
Huggins."
Helookedatherinamazement.
"YousaidyournamewasMarieHuguenot,"hesaidslowly.
"Mystagename,dear.NaturallyIcouldn't--Imean,onemust--youknowhowparticularmanagersare.WhenfatherdiedandIhadtogoonthestageforaliving----"
"Marie,mydarling!"
Maryroseandpickedupherbicycle.Theairhadgoneoutoftheback
wheelagain,andtherewerefourspokesbroken,butshedidnotheedit.
"Youmustwritetoyourlawyerto-night,"shesaid."Won'thebesurprised?"
But,beingagreatreaderofthemagazines,hewasn't.
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THESTATESMAN
OnacertainnightinthemiddleoftheseasonallLondonwasgatheredinLadyMarchpane'sdrawing-room;allLondon,thatis,whichwasworthknowing--aqualificationwhichaccountedfortheabsenceofseveralmillionpeoplewhohadneverheardofLadyMarchpane.InonecorneroftheroomanAmbassador,withafewribbonsacrosshischest,couldhavebeenseenchattingtothelatestAmericanDuchess;inanothercorneroneofourlargestAdvertiserswasexchangingepigramswithatitledNewspaperProprietor.FamousGeneralsrubbedshoulderswithPost-ImpressionistArtists;FinancierswhisperedsweetnothingstoBreedersofprizePoms;evenanActor-ManagermighthavebeenseenacceptinganapologyfromaRoyaltywhohadjostledhim.
"Hallo,"saidAlgyLascelles,catchingsightofthedignifiedfigureofRupertMerytoninthecrowd;"how'sWilliam?"
AraresmilelitupRupert'sdistinguishedfeatures.HewasUnderSecretaryforInvasionAffairs,and"William"wasAlgy'spleasantwayofreferringtotheBillwhichhewasnowpilotingthroughtheHouseofCommons.Itwasameasurefordoingsomethingorotherbymeansofawhat-d'you-call-it--IcannotbemoreprecisewithoutprecipitatingaEuropeanConflict.
"Ithinkweshallgetitthrough,"saidRupertcalmly.
"LadyMarchpanewastalkingaboutitjustnow.She'sratherinterested,youknow."
Rupert'slipsclosedabouthismouthinafirmline.HelookedoverAlgy'sheadintothecrowd."Oh!"hesaidcoldly.
ItwasbarelytenyearsagothatyoungMeryton,justdownfromOxford,hadstartledthepoliticalworldbycapturingtheimportantseatofCricklewood(E.)fortheTariffadicals--as,toavoidplungingthecountryintoCivilWar,Imustcallthem.Thiswasataby-election,and
theLiberativeshadimmediatelydissolved,onlytocomeintopoweraftertheGeneralElectionwithanincreasedmajority.Throughtheyearsthatfollowed,RupertMeryton,byhispertinacityinaskingtheInvasionSecretaryquestionswhichhadbeenansweredbyhimonthepreviousday,andbyhisregardforthedignityoftheHouse,asshowninhisinvariablecomment,"Come,come--notquitethegentleman,"uponanydisplayofbadmannersopposite,establishedaclearrighttoapostinthesubsequentTariffadicalGovernment.HehadnowbeenUnderSecretaryfortwoyears,andinthisBillhisfirstrealchancehadcome.
"Oh,thereyouare,Mr.Meryton,"saidavoice."Comeandtalktomeamoment."WithanodtoacoupleofArchbishopsLadyMarchpaneledthewaytoalittlegallerywhitherthecrowdhadnotpenetrated.Priceless
Correggios,Tintorettos,andG.K.Chestertonshunguponthewalls,butitwasnottoshowhimthesethatshehadcome.DroppingintoawonderfuloldChippendalechair,shemotionedhimtoaBlundell-Mapleoppositeher,andlookedathimwithacurioussmile.
"Well,"shesaid,"abouttheBill?"
Rupert'slipsclosedabouthismouthinafirmline.(Hewasrathergoodatthis.)Foldinghisarms,hegazedsteadilyintoLadyMarchpane'sstillbeautifuleyes.
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"Itwillgothrough,"hesaid."Throughallitsstages,"headdedprofessionally.
"Itmustnotgothrough,"saidLadyMarchpanegently.
Rupertcouldnotrepressastart,buthewasmasterofhimselfagaininamoment.
"Icannotaddanythingtomypreviousstatement,"hesaid.
"Ifitgoesthrough,"beganLadyMarchpane----
"Imustreferyou,"saidRupert,"tomyanswerofyesterday."
"Come,come,Mr.Meryton,whatisthegoodoffencingwithme?Youknowtheposition.OrshallIstateitforyouagain?"
"Icannotbelieveyouareserious."
"Iamperfectlyserious.Therearereasons,financialreasons--andothers--whyIdonotwantthisBilltopass.Inreturnformysilenceuponacertainmatter,youaregoingtopreventitpassing.YouknowtowhatIrefer.Onthe4thofMaylast----"
"Stop!"criedRuperthoarsely.
"Onthe4thofMaylast,"LadyMarchpanewentonrelentlessly,"youandI--intheabsenceofmyhusbandabroad--hadteatogetheratanA.B.C."(Rupertcoveredhisfacewithhishands.)"Iamnofonderofscandalthanyouare,butifyoudonotmeetmywishesIshallcertainlyconfessthetruthtoMarchpane."
"Youwillberuinedtoo!"saidRupert.
"Myhusbandwillforgivemeandtakemeback."Shepausedsignificantly."WillMarjorieHale----"(Rupertcoveredhishandswithhisface)--"will
thegoodMissHaleforgiveyou?Sheisverystrict,isshenot?Andrich?Andrisingyoungpoliticianswantmoneymorethanscandal."Sheraisedherheadsuddenlyatthesoundoffootsteps."Ah,Archbishop,IwasjustcallingMr.Meryton'sattentiontothiswonderfulBotticell----"(shelookedatitmoreclosely)----"thiswonderfulDanaGibson.Abeautifulpieceofwork,isitnot?"Theintruderspassedontothesupper-room,andtheywerealoneagain.
"WhatamItodo?"saidRupertsullenly.
"ThefateoftheBillissettledto-dayweek,whenyoumakeyourbigspeech.Youmustspeakagainstit.Confessfranklyyouweremistaken.Itwillbeaclosething,anyhow.Yourinfluencewillturnthescale."
"Itwillruinmepolitically."
"YouwillmarryMarjorieHaleandberich.Norichmaniseverruinedpolitically.Orsocially."Shepattedhishandgently."You'lldoit?"
Hegotupslowly."You'llseenextweek,"hesaid.
ItisnotmeetthatweshouldwatchtheunhappyRupertthroughthelong-drawnhoursofthenight,ashewrestledwiththeterribleproblem.
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Amoment'ssuddenmadnessonthatMayafternoonhadbroughthimtothecross-roads.Ontheonehand,reputation,wealth,thegirlthatheloved;ontheother,hisownhonourand--so,atleast,hehadsaidseveraltimesontheplatform--thesafetyofEngland.Heroseinthemorningweary,butwithhismindmadeup.
TheBillshouldgothrough!
RupertMerytonwasaspeakerofanotunusualtype.Althoughheprovidedtheopinionshimself,healwaysdependeduponhissecretaryfortheargumentswithwhichtosupportthemandtheactualwordsinwhichtogivethembeing.Butonthisoccasionhefeltthataspecialeffortwasrequiredofhim.HewouldshowLadyMarchpanethattheblackmailofyesterdayhadonlyrousedhimtoastillgreatereffortonbehalfofhiscountry.Hewouldwritehisownspeech.
OnthefatefulnighttheHousewascrowded.ItseemedthatalltheguestsatLadyMarchpane'saweekbeforewereintheDistinguishedStrangers'GalleryorbehindtheLadies'Grille.FromthePressGallery"OurSpecialWord-painter"lookeddownuponthestatesmenbeneathhim,hiseagleeyereadytodetectonthemomenttheAngryFlush,theWince,ortheSuddenPalingofenemy,theGrimSmileortheLoftyCalmoffriend.
TheRt.Hon.RupertMeryton,TariffadicalMemberforCricklewood(E.)rosetohisfeetamidstcheers.
"Mr.Speaker,"hesaid,"Irise--er--to-night,sir--h'r'm,to--er----"SomuchofhisspeechImaygive,buturgentStatereasonscompelmetowithholdtherest.WereiteverknownwithwhichBillthesecrethistorythatIhavedisclosedconcernsitself,theGreatPowersinaninstantwouldbeateachother'sthroats.ButthoughImaynotdisclosethespeechIcantellofitseffectontheHouse.Anditseffectwascurious.Itwas,infact,theexactoppositeofwhatRupertMeryton,thatpromisingUnderSecretary,hadintended.
Itwasthefirstspeechthathehadeverpreparedhimself.ThanRupert
therewasnomoredignifiedfigureintheHouseofCommons;hishonourwasproof,aswehaveseen,againstthemostinsidioustemptations;yet,sinceonemancannothaveallthevirtues,hewasdistinctlystupid.Itwouldhavebeenahopelessspeechanyhow;but,tomakemattersworse,hehad,inthemostimportantpartofit,attemptedirony.AndatthebeginningoftheironicalpassageeventheTariffadicalword-paintershadtoconfessthatitwastheirownstalwartswho"suddenlypaled."
AsLadyMarchpanehadsaid,itwasboundtobeaclosething.TheLiberativesandtheUnialists,ofcourse,weresolidagainsttheBill,buttherewasalsosomethingofacaveintheTariffadicalParty.Itwasboundtobeaclosething,andRupert'sspeechjustmadethedifference.Whenhesatdownthewaverersanddoubtershadmadeuptheirminds.
TheBillwasdefeated.
.....
ThattheTariffadicalsshouldresignwasnatural;perhapsitwasequallynaturalthatRupert'ssecretaryshouldresigntoo.HesaidthathisreputationwouldbegoneifRupertmadeanymorespeechesonhisown,andthathewasn'tgoingtoriskit.WithouthissecretaryRupertwaslostattheGeneralElectionwhichfollowed.Fortunatelyhehada
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gratefulfriendinLadyMarchpane.SheexertedherinfluencewiththeLiberatives,andgothimanappointmentasGovernoroftheStickjawIslands.Here,withhisbeautifulandrichwife,SirRupertMerytonmaintainsaregalstate,anduponhisnamenobreathofscandalrests.Indeed,hisonlytroublesofarhasbeenwiththeStickjawlanguage--adifficultlanguage,butonewhich,perhapsfortunately,doesnotlenditselftoirony.
THEMAGNATE
ItwasinOctober,19--thattheword"Zinc"firstbegantobeheardinfinancialcircles.Citymen,pushingtheirdominoesregretfullyaway,andmurmuring"Zinc"inapologetictones,werebackintheirofficesbythreeo'clock,forgettingintheirhastetoleavetheusualtwopenceunderthecupforthewaitress.Clubmen,glancingatthetapeontheirwaytothesmoking-room,saidtotheirneighbours,"Zinc'smovedapoint,Isee,"beforecoveringthemselvesupwithTheTimes.Inthetrains,returninghusbandsaskedeachotherloudly,"What'sallthisaboutzinc?"--allsavetheveryinnocentones,whowhispered,"Isay,whatiszincexactly?"Themusic-hallstookitup.Nosoonerhadthe
word"Zinc"leftthelipsofanacknowledgedcomedianthanthehousewasinroarsoflaughter.ThefuroreattheCollodiumwhenOctaviusOcto,inhisworld-famouspartofthelandladyofaboarding-house,remarked,"Iknowwhymyoleman'ssolate.'E'sbuyingzinc,"isstillrememberedinthebarsroundPiccadilly.
.....
Toexplainitproperlyitwillbenecessary(myreaderswillbealarmedtohear)togobacksomethirtyyears.This,asasimplecalculationshows,takesustoJune,18--.ItwasinJune,18--thatFelixMoses,astoutyoungmanofattractiveappearance(ifyoucareforthatstyle),tookhiscourageinbothhands,andtoldPhyllidaSloanthathewas
worthtenthousandayearandwaschanginghisnametoMountenay.MissSloan,seeingthatitwasthebeginningofaproposal,saidhastilythatshewaschangingherstoAbraham.
"You'remarryingLeoAbraham?"askedFelixinamazement."Ah!"Agustofjealousysweptoverhim.Helickedhislips.Therewasadangerouslookinhiseyes--alookthatwasdestinedinafterdaystomakeEmperorsandrivalfinanciersquail."Ah!"hesaidsoftly."LeoAbraham!Ishallnotforget!"
.....
Andnowitwillbenecessary(myreaderswillberelievedtolearn)to
jumpforwardsomethirtyyears.ThisobviouslytakesustoSeptember19--.LetusonthisfineSeptembermorningtakeapeepinto"No.--ThrogneedleStreet,E.C.,"andseehowthebusinessofthemothercityiscarriedon.
Onthefourthfloorwecometothesanctumofthegreatmanhimself."Mr.FelixMountenay--Noadmittance,"ispaintedupontheouterdoor.ItisanamewhichisknownandfearedalloverEurope.Mr.Mountenay'sprivatedetectivestandsononesideofthedoor;ontheothersideisMr.Mountenay'sprivatewolf-hound.Murmuringtheword"Press,"however,
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wepasshastilythrough,andfindourselvesbeforeMr.Mountenayhimself.Mr.Mountenayisatwork;letuswatchhimthroughatypicalfiveminutes.
Foramomenthestandsmeditatinginthemiddleoftheroom.Kingsaretotteringontheirthrones.Empireshanguponhisnod.Whatwillhedecide?Suddenlyheblowsacloudofsmokefromhiscigar,andrushestothetelephone.
"Hallo!Isthatyou,Jones?...WhatareMargarinePrefs.at?...What?...No,MargarinePrefs.,idiot....Ah!Thensell.KeeponsellingtillItellyoutostop....Yes."
Hehangsupthereceiver.Fortwominuteshepacestheroom,smokingrapidly.Hestopsamoment...butitisonlytoremovehiscigar-band,whichisindangerofburning.Thenheresumeshispacings.Anotherminutegoesrapidlyby.Herushestothetelephoneagain.
"Hallo!Isthatyou,Jones?...WhatareMargarinePrefs.downtonow?...Ah!Thenbuy.Keeponbuying....Yes."
Hehangsupthereceiver.Bythismaster-strokehehasmadeaquarterofamillion.Itmayseemtoyouormeaneasywayofdoingit.Ah,butwhat,wemustaskourselves,ofthegreatbrainthatconceivedtheidea,
theforesightwhichtoldtheexactmomentwhentoputitintoaction,thecoolcouragewhichseizedthemoment--whatofthegraspofaffairs,theknowledgeofmen?Ah!Canwegrudgeithimthatheearnsaquarterofamillionmorequicklythanwedo?
YetMr.FelixMountenayisnothappy.Whenwehavebroughtoffacoupforahundredthousandeven,wesmilegaily.Mr.Mountenaydidnotsmile.Fiercelyhebitanotherinchoffhiscigar,andmutteredtohimself.
Thewordswere"LeoAbraham!Wait!"
.....
Thisispositivelythelastrowofdots.Letustakeadvantageofthemtojumpforwardanothermonth.ItwasOctober1st,19--.(IfthatwasaSunday,thenitwasOctober2nd.Anyhow,itwasOctober.)
Mr.FelixMountenaywassleepinginhisoffice.Foroncethatironbrainrelaxed.Hehadmadealittleoverthreemillioninthelastmonth,andthestrainwastoomuchforhim.Butaknockatthedoorrestoredhiminstantlytohisowncoolself.
"Ibegyourpardon,sir,"saidhissecretary,"butsomebodyissellingzinc."
Theword"zinc"touchedachordinMr.Mountenay'sbrainwhichhadlaindormantforyears.Zinc!WhydidzincremindhimofLeoAbraham?
"FetchtheEncyclopediaBritannica,quick!"hecried.
Thesecretary,amanofherculeanbuild,returnedwithsomeofit.Withtheluckwhichproverbiallyattendsrichmen,Mr.Mountenaypickedupthe"Z"volumeatonce.AshereadtheZincarticleitallcamebacktohim.LeoAbrahamhadownedanemptyzinc-mine!Washisenemyinhisclutchesatlast?
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"Buy!"hesaidbriefly.
Inafortnightthesecretaryhadreturned.
"Well,"saidMr.Mountenay,"haveyouboughtallthezincthereis?"
"Yes,sir,"saidthesecretary."Andalotthatthereisn't,"headded.
"Good!"Hepausedamoment."WhenMr.LeoAbrahamcalls,"headdedgrimly,"showhimupatonce."
ItwasamonthlaterthatahaggardmanclimbedthestairsofNo.--ThrogneedleStreet,andwasshownintoMr.Mountenay'sroom.
"Well,"saidthefinanciersoftly,"whatcanIdoforyou?"
"Iwantsomezinc,"saidLeoAbergavenny.
"Zinc,"saidMr.Mountenay,withasmile,"isamillionpoundsaton.Oranacre,oragallon,orhoweveryouprefertobuyit,"headdedhumorously.
Leowentwhite.
"Youwishtoruinme?"
"Ido.ApromiseImadetoyourwifesomeyearsago."
"Mywife?"criedLeo."Whatdoyoumean?I'mnotmarried."
ItwasMr.Mountenay'sturntogowhite.Hewentit.
"Notmarried?ButMissSloan----"
Mr.LeoAbergavennysatdownandmoppedhisface.
"Idon'tknowwhatyoumean,"hesaid."IaskedMissSloantomarryme,andtoldherIwaschangingmynametoAbergavenny.AndshesaidthatshewaschangingherstoMoses.Naturally,Ithought----"
"Stop!"criedMr.Mountenay.Hesatdownheavily.Somethingseemedtohavegoneoutofhislife;inamomenttheworldwasempty.Helookedupathisoldrival,andforcedalaugh.
"Well,well,"hesaid;"shedeceivedusboth.Letusdrinktoourluckyescape."Herangthebell.
"Andthen,"hesaidinapurringvoice,"wecanhavealittletalkaboutzinc.Afterall,businessisstillbusiness."
THEDOCTOR
Hisslipperedfeetstretchedoutluxuriouslytothefire,Dr.Venables,ofMudford,laybackinhisarm-chairandgavehimselfuptothedelightsofhisFlordiCabajo,No.2,aboxofwhichhadbeenpresented
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tohimbyanapparentlygratefulpatient.Ithadbeenabusyday.Hehadprescribedmorethanhalfadozenhotmilk-puddingsandadozenchangesofair;hehadpromisedascoreoftimestolookinagainto-morrow;andtheWidowNixeyhadtoldhimyetagain,butatgreaterlengththanbefore,herprivateopinionofdoctors.
SometimesGordonVenableswonderedwhetheritwasonlyforthisthathehadbeenthemostnotablestudentofhisyearatSt.Bartholomew's.Hisbrilliance,indeed,hadcausedsomethingofasensationinmedicalcircles,andaremarkablecareerhadbeenprophesiedforhim.ItwasVenableswhohadbrokenuponeSuffragemeetingafteranotherbythrowingwhitemiceatthewomenontheplatform;whodayafterdayhadparadedLondondressedinthecostumeofabrowndog,untilarrestedforbitingananti-vivisectorintheleg.Nowonderthatalltheprizesoftheprofessionwereannouncedtobewithinhisgrasp,andthatwhenheburiedhimselfinthelittlecountrytownofMudfordhewasthoughttohavethrownawayrecklesslyopportunitiessuchasweregrantedtofew.
HehadbeeninMudfordforfiveyearsnow.AnoccasionalpaperinTheLanceton"TheRecurrenceofAnthro-philomelitisinEarth-worms"kepthimintouchwithmodernmedicalthought,buthecouldnothelpfeelingthattosomeextenthispowerswererustinginMudford.AstheyearswentonhischanceofHarleyStreetdwindled.
"Comein,"hesaidinanswertoaknockatthedoor.Thehousekeeper'sheadappeared.
"There'sbeenanaccident,sir,"shegasped."Gentlemanrunover!"
Hesnatcheduphisstethoscopeand,withoutevenwaitingtoinquirewheretheaccidentwas,hurriedintothenight.Somethingwhisperedtohimthathischancehadcome.
Afteraquarterofanhourhestoppedasmallboy.
"Hallo,Johnny,"hesaidbreathlessly,"where'stheaccident?"
Theboylookedathimwithopenmouthforsomemoments.Thenhehadanidea.
"Why,it'sDoctor!"hesaid.
Dr.Venablespushedhimoverandranon....
ItwasintheHighStreetthattheaccidenthadhappened.LordLair,aneccentricoldgentlemanwhosometimeswalkedwhenhemighthavedriven,had,whiledodgingamotor-car,beenrunintobyachild'shoop.Helaynowonthepavementsurroundedbyalargeandinterestedcrowd.
"Lookout,"shoutedsomebodyfromtheoutskirts;"herecomesDoctor."
Dr.Venablespushedhiswaythroughtohispatient.Hislongsearchforthesceneoftheaccidenthadexhaustedhimbodily,buthismindwasasclearasever.
"Standbackthere,"hesaidinanauthoritativevoice.Then,takingouthisstethoscope,hemadearapidexaminationofhispatient.
"Incisedwoundinthetibia,"hemurmuredtohimself."Slightabrasion
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ofthepatellaandcontusionoftheleftankle.Theinjuriesareseriousbutnotnecessarilymortal.Whoishe?"
Thebutcher,whohadbeensittingontheheadofthefallenman,gotupanddisclosedthefeaturesofLordLair.Dr.Venablesstaggeredback.
"Hislordship!"hecried."HeisapatientofDr.Scott's!Ihaveattendedtheclientofanotherpractitioner!ProfessionallyIamruined!"
LordLair,whowasnowbreathingmoreeasily,openedhiseyes.
"Takemehome,"hegroaned.
Dr.Venables'situationwasaterribleone.Medicaletiquettedemandedhisimmediateretirementfromthecase,butthepromptingsofhumanityandthethoughtofhisclient'simportantpositionintheworldweretoostrongforhim.Throwinghisscruplestothewinds,heassistedtheagedpeerontoahastilyimprovisedstretcherandaccompaniedhimtotheHall.
Hislordshiponceinbed,thedoctorexaminedhimagain.Itwasobviousimmediatelythattherewasonlyonehopeofsavingthepatient'slife.Aninjectionofanthro-philomelitismustbegivenwithoutlossoftime.
Dr.Venablestookoffhiscoatandrolleduphissleeves.Henevertravelledwithoutasmallbottleofthisseruminhiswaistcoatpocket--aserumwhich,asmyreadersknow,ispreparedfromtheearth-worm,inwhosebody(fortunately)largedepositsofanthro-philomelitisarecontinuallyfound.Withhelpfromafootmaninholdingdownthepatient,theinjectionwasmade.InlessthanayearLordLairwasrestoredtohealth.
.....
Dr.GordonVenables'casecamebeforetheBritishMedicalCouncilearlyinOctober.Thecountsintheindictmentweretwo.
Thefirstwasthat,"onthe17thofJunelast,Dr.GordonVenablesdidfeloniouslyandwithmaliceaforethoughtcommitthedisgustingandinfamouscrimeofattendingprofessionallytheclientofanotherpractitioner."
Thesecondwasthat"inthecourseofrenderingprofessionalservicestothesaidclient,Dr.Venablesdidknowinglyandwittinglyemploytheassistanceofonewhowasnotaproperlyregisteredmedicalman,towit,ThomasBoiling,footman,therebyshowinghimselftobeascurvyfellowofinfamousmorals."
Dr.Venablesdecidedtoapologise.Healsodecidedtosendinanaccount
toLordLairfortwohundredandfiftyguineas.Hejustifiedthistohimselfmainlyonthegroundthat,accordingtoaletterinthatweek'sLancet,thesupplyofanthro-philomelitisinearth-wormswassuddenlygivingout,andthatitwasnecessarytorecouphimselfforthegenerousquantityhehadinjectedintoLordLair.Naturally,also,hefeltthathislordship,astheauthorofthewholetrouble,owedhimsomething.
TheCouncil,inconsiderationofhisapology,dismissedthefirstcount.Onthesecondcount,however,theystruckhimofftheregister.
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Itwasaterriblepositionforayoungdoctortobein,butGordonVenablesfaceditlikeaman.WithLordLair'sfeeinhispockethecametotownandtookahouseinHarleyStreet.Whenhehadpaidthefirstquarter'srentandthefirstinstalmentonthehiredfurniture,hehadfiftypoundsleft.
Tenpoundshespentonembossedstationery.
Fortypoundshespentonpostage-stamps.
Forthenextthreemonthsnojournalwascompletewithoutaletterfrom999HarleyStreet,signed"GordonVenables,"inwhichtheiniquityofhistreatmentbytheBritishMedicalCouncilwasdweltuponwiththefervourofamanwhoknewhissubjectthoroughly;nosuchletterwascompletewithoutaside-referencetoanthro-philomelitis(asfound,happily,inearth-worms)andtheanthro-philomelitistreatment(asrecommendedbypeers).SixmonthspreviouslythenameofVenableshadbeenutterlyunknowntothemaninthestreet.Inthreemonths'timeitwasbetterknowneventhan----'s,thewell-known----.
One-halfofLondonsaidhewasaninfamousquack.
TheotherhalfofLondonsaidhewasamartyredgenius.
Bothhalvesagreedthat,afterall,onemightaswelltrythisnewwhat-you-may-call-ittreatment,justtoseeiftherewasanythinginit,don'tyouknow.
ItwasonlylastweekthatMr.Venablesmadeanexcellentspeechagainstthesuper-tax.
THENEWSPAPERPROPRIETOR
ThegreatHectorStrong,lordofjournalismandswayerofempires,pacedthefloorofhisluxuriousapartmentwithbowedhead,hiscorrugatedcountenancefurrowedwithlinesofanxiety.Hehadjustreturnedfromalunchwithallhisfavouriteadvertisers...butitwasnotthiswhichtroubledhim.HewasthinkingoutanewpolicyforTheDailyVane.
Suddenlyherememberedsomething.Cominguptotowninhisthirdmotor,hehadglancedthroughthenineteenperiodicalswhichhishousehadpublishedthatmorning,andinonecasehadnotedmatterforseriouscriticism.Thiswasobviouslythefirstbusinesshemustdealwith.
Heseatedhimselfathisdeskandpushedthebellmarked"38."Instantlyafootmanpresentedhimselfwithatrayofsandwiches.
"Whatdoyouwant?"saidStrongcoldly.
"Yourangforme,sir,"repliedthetremblingmenial.
"Goaway,"saidStrong.Recognizingmagnanimously,however,thatthemistakewashisown,hepressedbell"28."InanothermomenttheeditorofSloppyChunkswasbeforehim.
"Into-day'snumber,"saidStrong,ashetoyedwithabluepencil,"you
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apologizeforamistakeinlastweek'snumber."Hewaitedsternly.
"Itwasaverybadmistake,sir,I'mafraid.Wedidagreatinjusticeto----"
"Youknowmyrule,"saidStrong."ThemistakeoflastweekIcouldhaveoverlooked.Theapologyofthisweekisamoreseriousmatter.Youwillaskforamonth'ssalaryonyourwayout."Hepressedabuttonandtheeditordisappearedthroughthetrap-door.
Aloneagain,HectorStrongthoughtkeenlyforamoment.Thenhepressedbell"38."Instantlyafootmanpresentedhimselfwithatrayofsandwiches.
"Whatdoyoumeanbythis?"roaredStrong,hisironself-controlforamomentgivingway.
"Ib-begyourpardon,sir,"stammeredtheman."Ith-thought----"
"Getout!"Asthefootmanretired,Strongpassedhishandacrosshisforehead."Mymemoryisbadto-day,"hemurmured,andpushedbell"48."
Atallthinmanentered.
"Ah,goodafternoon,Mr.Brownlow,"saidtheProprietor.Hetoyedwithhisbluepencil."Letmesee,whichofourpapersareunderyourchargeatthemoment?"
Mr.Brownlowreflected.
"Justnow,"hesaid,"IameditingSnippetySnips,TheWhoop,TheGirls'OwnAunt,Parings,Slosh,TheSundaySermon,andBackChat."
"Ah!Well,IwantyoutotakeonSloppyChunkstooforalittlewhile.Mr.Symeshashadtoleaveus."
"Yes,sir."Mr.Brownlowbowedandmovedtothedoor.
"Bytheway,"Strongsaid,"yourlastnumberofSloshwasverygood.Verygoodindeed.Icongratulateyou.Goodday."
Leftalone,HectorStrong,lordofjournalismandswayerofempires,resumedhispacings.Histwomistakeswiththebelltoldhimthathewasdistinctlynothimselfthisafternoon.WasitonlytheneedofanewpolicyforTheVanewhichtroubledhim?Orwasit----
CoulditbeLadyDorothy?
LadyDorothyNealwassomethingofanenigmatoHectorStrong.Hewas
makingmorethanamillionpoundsayear,andyetshedidnotwanttomarryhim.Sometimeshewonderedifthewomanwerequitesane.Yet,madorsane,helovedher.
Asecretaryknockedandentered.HewaitedsubmissivelyforhalfanhouruntiltheProprietorlookedup.
"Well?"
"LadyDorothyNealwouldliketoseeyouforamoment,sir."
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"Showherin."
LadyDorothycameinbrightly.
"Whatnice-lookingmenyouhavehere,"shesaid."Whoistheoneinthebluewaistcoat?Hehascurlyhair."
"Youdidn'tcometotalkabouthim?"saidHectorreproachfully.
"Ididn'tcometotalktohimreally,butifyoukeepmewaitinghalfanhour----Why,whatareyoudoing?"
Stronglookedupfromthenotehewaswriting.Thetenderlineshadgonefromhisface,andhehadbecomethesternmanofactionagain.
"Iamgivinginstructionsthattheservicesofmycommissionaire,hall-boy,andfifthsecretarywillnolongerberequired."
"Don'tdothat,"pleadedDorothy.
Strongtoreupthenoteandturnedtoher."Whatdoyouwantofme?"heasked.
Sheblushedandlookeddown."I--Ihavewrittena--aplay,"shefaltered.
Hesmiledindulgently.Hedidnotwriteplayshimself,butheknewthatotherpeopledid.
"Whendoesitcomeoff?"heasked.
"Themanagersaysitwillhavetoattheendoftheweek.Itcameonaweekago."
"Well,"hesmiled,"ifpeopledon'twanttogo,Ican'tmakethem."
"Yes,youcan,"shesaidboldly.
Hegaveastart.Hisbrainworkingatlightningspeedsawthepossibilitiesinaninstant.AtonestrokehecouldwinLadyDorothy'sgratitude,provideTheDailyVanewithatemporarypolicy,andgiveaconvincingexhibitionofthepowerofhispress.
"Oh,Mr.Strong----"
"Hector,"hewhispered.Asherosefromhisdesktogotoher,heaccidentallypressedthebuttonofthetrap-door.Thenextmomenthewasalone.
.....
"ThattheBritishpublicisalwaysreadytowelcometheadventofacleanandwholesomehome-grownplayisshownbythestartlingsuccessofChristina'sMistake,whichisattractingsuchcrowdstoTheKing'severynight."SowroteTheDailyVane,andcontinuedinthesamestrainforacolumn.
"Clublandiskeenlyexercised,"wroteTheEveningVane,"overaproblemofetiquettewhicharisesintheSecondActofChristina's
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Mistake,thegreatautumnsuccessatTheKing'sTheatre.Thepointisshortlythis.Shouldawoman..."Andsoon.
"Aprettylittlestoryisgoingtherounds,"saidSlosh,"anentthatcharminglittlelady,EstelleRito,whoplaysthepartofagovernessinChristina'sMistake,forwhich('Manager'Barodoinformsme)advancebookinguptoChristmashasalreadybeentaken.ItseemsthatMissRito,whenshoppinginthepurlieusofBondStreet..."
SloppyChunkshadajokewhichsetalltheworldlaughing.Itwascalled----
"BETWEENTHEACTS
Flossie.'Who'stheladyintheboxwithMr.Johnson?'
Gussie.'Hush!It'shiswife!'
AndFlossiegiggledsomuchthatshecouldhardlylistentothelastActofChristina'sMistake,whichshehadbeenlookingforwardtoforweeks!"
TheSundaySermonofferedfreeticketstoahundredunmarriedsuburbangirls,towhichclassChristina'sMistakemightbesupposedtomakea
specialreligiousappeal.ButtheyhadtocollectcouponsfirstforTheSundaySermon.
And,finally,TheTimes,oftwomonthslater,said:
"AmarriagehasbeenarrangedbetweenLadyDorothyNeal,daughteroftheEarlofSkye,andtheHon.GeoffreyBollinger."
.....
Thanasuccessfulrevengenothingissweeterinlife.HectorStrongwasnotthemantospareanyonewhohaddonehimaninjury.YetIthinkhismethodofrevenginghimselfuponLadyDorothysavouredofthe
diabolical.HeprintedaphotographofherinTheDailyPictureGallery.Itwasheaded"TheBeautifulLadyDorothyNeal."
THECOLLECTOR
WhenPeterPlimsoll,theGlueKing,died,hispartingadvicetohissonstosticktothebusinesswasfollowedonlybyJohn,theelder.Adrian,theyounger,hadasoulaboveadhesion.Hedisposedofhisshareintheconcernandsettleddowntofollowthelifeofagentlemanoftasteand
cultureand(moreparticularly)patronofthearts.Hebeganinamodestwaytocollectink-pots.Hisrangeatfirstwascatholic,anditwasnotuntilhehadacquiredahundredandforty-sevenink-potsofvariousdesignsthathedecidedtomakeaspecialityofhistoricones.ThisdecisionwashastenedbythediscoverythatoneofQueenElizabeth'sinkstands--supposed(bytheowner)tobetheidenticalonewithwhoseaidshewroteherlastlettertoRaleigh--wasabouttobeputonthemarket.AtsomeexpenseAdrianobtainedanintroduction,throughathirdparty,totheowner;atmoreexpensetheownerobtained,throughthesamegentleman,anintroductiontoAdrian;andinlessthanamonththe
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greatElizabethInk-potwassafelyestablishedinAdrian'shouse.Itwasthebeginningofthe"PlimsollCollection."
Thiswastwentyyearsago.Letusto-daytakeawalkthroughthegalleriesofMr.AdrianPlimsoll'scharmingresidence,which,astheworldknows,overlooksthepark.AnyfriendofmineisalwayswelcomeatNumberFifteen.WewillstartwiththeNorthGallery;IfearthatIshallonlyhavetimetopointoutafewofthechoicestgems.
ThisisaPontesioriswordofthethirteenthcentury--theonlyexampleofthemaster'sartwithoutanynotches.
OntheleftisaCapriccicomfit-box.IfyouhaveneverheardofCapricci,yououghtn'ttocometoahouselikethis.
HerewehavebeforeusthehistoricdeMontignytopaz.Askyourlittleboytotellyouaboutit.
IntheEastGallery,ofcourse,thechieftreasureistheSantodiSantoamulet,describedsominutelyinhisVindiciæVeritatisbyJohnofFlanders.TheoriginalMS.ofthisbookisintheSouthGallery.Youmustglanceatitwhenwegetthere.Itwillsaveyouthetroubleoforderingacopyfromyourlibrary;theywouldbesuretokeepyouwaiting....
WithsomesuchwordsastheseIleadmyfriendsroundNumberFifteen.ThemanytreasuresintheprivatepartsofthehouseImaynotshow,ofcourse;thebathroom,forinstance,inwhichhangsthefinestcollectionofportraitsofphilateliststhatEuropecanboast.YoumustspendanightwithAdriantobeadmittedtotheircompany;and,asoneoftheelect,Icanassureyouthatnothingcanbemorestimulatingonawinter'smorningthantocatchtheeyeofFrisbyDranger,F.Ph.S.,behindthetapsasyourheadfirstemergesfromtheicywaters.
.....
AdrianPlimsollsatatbreakfast,sippinghishotwaterandcrumblinga
drybiscuit.Alightwasinhiseye,aflushuponhispallidcountenance.HehadjustheardfromatrustyagentthattheScutoribreast-platehadbeenseeninDevonshire.Hiscarwasreadytotakehimtothestation.
Butalas!adisappointmentawaitedhim.Oncloseexaminationthebreast-plateturnedouttobeacommonRisoldoofinferiorworking.Adrianleftthehouseindisgustandstartedonhisseven-milewalkbacktothestation.Tocompletehismiseryasuddenstormcameon.CursingalternatelyhisagentandRisoldo,hemadehiswaytoacottageandaskedforshelter.
Anoldwomangreetedhimcivillyandbadehimcomein.
"IfImayjustwaittillthestormisover,"saidAdrian,andhesatdowninherparlourandlookedappraisingly(aswashishabit)roundtheroom.Thegrandfatherclockinthecornerwasgenuine,buthewasbeyondgrandfatherclocks.Therewasnothingelseofanyvalue:threechinadogsandsomeoddtrinketsonthechimney-piece;aprintortwo----
Stay!Whatwasthatbehindtheyoungestdog?
"MayIlookatthatoldbracelet?"heasked,hisvoicetremblinga
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little;andwithoutwaitingforpermissionhewalkedoverandtookupthecircleoftarnishedmetalinhishands.Asheexaminedithiscolourcameandwent,hisheartseemedtostopbeating.Withatremendousefforthecomposedhimselfandreturnedtohischair.
ItwastheEmperor'sBracelet!
Ofcourseyouknowthehistoryofthismostfamousofallbracelets.MadebySpuriusQuintusofRomein47B.C.,itwasgivenbyCæsartoCleopatra,whotriedwithoutsuccesstodissolveitinvinegar.ReturningtoRomebywayofAntony,itwaswornataminorconflagrationbyNero,afterwhichitwaslostsightofformanycenturies.ItwaseventuallyheardofduringthereignofCanute(orKnut,ashisadmirerscalledhim);andJohnisknowntohavelostitintheWash,whenceitwasrecoveredacenturyafterwards.ItmusthavetravelledthencetoFrance,foritwasseenonceinthepossessionofLouisXI;andfromtheretoSpain,forPhiliptheHandsomepresentedittoJoannaonherweddingday.ColumbustookittoAmerica,butfortunatelybroughtitbackagain;PetertheGreatthrewitatanindifferentmusician;ononeofitslatervisitstoEnglandPopewroteacouplettoit.Andthemostastonishingthinginitswholehistorywasthatnowformorethanahundredyearsithadvanishedcompletely.ToturnupagaininalittleDevonshirecottage!Verily,truthisstrangerthanfiction.
"That'sratheracuriousbraceletofyours,"saidAdriancasually."My--er--wifehasonejustlikeit,whichsheaskedmetomatch.Isitanoldfriend,orwouldyoucaretosellit?"
"Mymothergaveitme,"saidtheoldwoman,"andshehaditfromhers.Idon'tknownofurtherthanthat.Ididn'tmeantosellit,but----"
"Quiteright,"saidAdrian,"and,afterall,Icaneasilygetanother."
"ButIwon'tsayabitofmoneywouldn'tbeuseful.Whatwouldyouthinkafairprice,sir?Fiveshillings?"
Adrian'sheartjumped.TogettheEmperor'sbraceletforfiveshillings!
Butthespiritofthecollectorroseupstrongwithinhim.Helaughedkindly.
"Mygoodwoman,"hesaid,"theyturnoutbraceletslikethatinBirminghamattwoshillingsapiece.Andquitenew.I'llgiveyoutenpence."
"Makeitone-and-sixpence,"shepleaded."Timesarehard."
Adrianreflected.Hewasnot,strictlyspeaking,impoverished.Hecouldaffordone-and-sixpence.
"One-and-tuppence,"hesaid.
"No,no,one-and-sixpence,"sherepeatedobstinately.
Adrianreflectedagain.Afterall,hecouldalwayssellitfortenthousandpounds,iftheworstcametotheworst.
"Well,well,"hesighed."One-and-sixpenceletitbe."
Hecountedoutthemoneycarefully.Then,puttingthepreciousbracelet
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inhispocket,herosetogo.
.....
Adrianhasnorelationslivingnow.WhenhediesheproposestoleavethePlimsollCollectiontothenation,having--asfarashecanforesee--noparticularuseforitinthenextworld.Thisisreallyverygenerousofhim,andnodoubt,whenthetimecomes,thepaperswillsayso.Butitisapitythathecannotbeappreciatedproperlyinhislifetime.PersonallyIshouldliketoseehimknighted.
THEADVENTURER
LionelNorwood,fromhisearliestdays,hadbeenmarkedoutforalifeofcrime.Whenquiteachildhewasdiscoveredbyhisnursekillingfliesonthewindow-pane.Thiswasbeforethecharacterofthehouse-flyhadbecomeamatterofcommontalkamongscientists,andLionel(likeallgreatmen,alittlebeforehistime)hadpleadedhygieneinvain.Hewassmackedhastilyandbundledofftoapreparatoryschool,wherehisaptitudeforsmugglingsweetswouldhavelosthimmanyahalf-holiday
hadnothisservicesbeenrequiredatoutside-leftinthehockeyeleven.WithsomedifficultyhemanagedtopassintoEton,andthreeyearslater--with,onewouldimagine,stillmoredifficulty--managedtogetsuperannuated.AtCambridgehewentdown-hillrapidly.Hewouldthinknothingofsmokingacigarinacademicalcostume,andonatleastoneoccasionhedroveadogcartonSunday.Nowonderthathewasrequested,earlyinhissecondyear,togiveuphisstrugglewiththeLittle-goandbetakehimselfbacktoLondon.
LondonisalwaysgladtowelcomesuchpeopleasLionelNorwood.Innoothercityisitsosimpleforamanofeasyconsciencetoearnalivingbyhiswits.IfLioneleverhadanyscruples(which,afteraperusaloftheaboveaccountofhisearlydays,itmaybepermittedonetodoubt)
theywereremovedbyanaccidenttohissolicitor,whowasrunoverintheArgentineontheverydaythathearrivedtherewithwhatwasleftofLionel'smoney.Reducedsuddenlytopoverty,Norwoodhadnochoicebuttoenteruponalifeofcrime.
Except,perhaps,thatheusedslightlylesshair-oilthanmost,heseemedjusttheordinarymanabouttownashesatinhisdressing-gownonefinesummermorningandsmokedacigarette.Hisroomswerefurnishedquietlyandinthebestoftaste.Nosignsofhisnefariousprofessionshowedthemselvestothecasualvisitor.TheappealinglettersfromthePrincesswhomhewasblackmailing,thewireapparatuswhichshotthetwoofspadesdownhissleeveduringthecoon-cannightsattheclub,thethimbleandpeawithwhichhehadperformedthethree-cardtrickso
successfullyatEpsomlastweek--allthesewerehiddenawayfromthecommongaze.Itwasayounggentlemanoffashionwholoungedinhischairandtoyedwithapricelessstraight-cut.
Therewasatapatthedoor,andMasters,hisconfidentialvalet,camein.
"Well,"saidLionel,"haveyoulookedthroughthepost?"
"Yes,sir,"saidtheman."There'stheusualchequefromHerHighness,a
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requestformoretimefromtheladyinTiteStreetwithtwopencetopayontheenvelope,andbanknotesfromtheProfessorasexpected.TheyounggentlemanofHillStreethasgoneabroadsuddenly,sir."
"Ah!"saidLionel,withasuddenfrown."Isupposeyou'dbettercrosshimoffourlist,Masters."
"Yes,sir.Ihadventuredtodoso,sir.Ithinkthat'sall,exceptthatMr.Snooksisgladtoacceptyourkindinvitationtodinnerandbridgeto-night.Willyouwearthehair-springcoat,sir,orthemetalclip?"
Lionelmadenoanswer.Hesatplungedinthought.Whenhespokeitwasaboutanothermatter.
"Masters,"hesaid,"IhavefoundoutLordFairlie'ssecretatlast.Ishallgotoseehimthisafternoon."
"Yes,sir.Willyouwearyourrevolver,sir,asit'safirstcall?"
"Ithinkso.Ifthiscomesoff,Masters,itwillmakeourfortune."
"Ihopeso,I'msure,sir."Mastersplacedthewhiskywithinreachandlefttheroomsilently.
Alone,LionelpickeduphispaperandturnedtotheAgonyColumn.Aseverybodyknows,theAgonyColumnofadailypaperisnotactuallysodomesticasitseems.When"Mother"apparentlysaysto"Floss,""Comehomeatonce.Fathergoneawayforweek.BertandSidlongingtoseeyou,"whatisreallyhappeningisthatBarneyHokeristellingJudBatsontomeethimoutsidetheDukeofWestminster'slittleplaceat3a.m.preciselyonTuesdaymorning,notforgettingtobringhisjemmyandadarklanternwithhim.AndFloss'sannouncementnextday,"CominghomewithGeorge,"isJud'swayofsayingthathewillturnupallright,andhalfthinksofbringinghisautomaticpistolwithhimtoo,incaseofaccidents.
Inthislanguage--which,ofcourse,takessomelittlelearning--LionelNorwoodhadlongbeenanexpert.Theadvertisementwhichhewasnowreadingwasunusuallyelaborate:
"Lost,inataxibetweenBakerStreetandShepherd'sBush,agold-mountedumbrellawithinitials'J.P.'onit.IfEllenwillreturntoherfatherimmediatelyallwillbeforgiven.Whitespotonforeleg.Motherveryanxiousanddesirestoreturnthanksforkindenquiries.AnswerstothenameofPonto.Bisdatquicitodat."
Whatdiditmean?ForLionelithadnosecrets.HewasreadingtherevelationbyoneofhisagentsoftheskeletoninLordFairlie'scupboard!
LordFairliewasoneofthemostdistinguishedmembersoftheCabinet.Hisveinofhighseriousness,hisloftydemeanour,thesincerityofhismannerendearedhimnotonlytohisownparty,buteven(astoundingasitmayseem)toafewhigh-mindedmenupontheotherside,whoadmitted,inmomentsofexpansionwhichtheyprobablyregrettedafterwards,thathemight,afterall,beasdevotedtohiscountryastheywere.Foryearsnowhislifehadbeenwithoutblemish.Itwasimpossibletobelievethateveninhisyouthhecouldhavesownanywildoats;terribletothinkthatthesewildoatsmightnowbecominghometo
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roost.
"Whatdoyourequireofme?"hesaidcourteouslytoLionel,asthelatterwasshownintohisstudy.
Lionelwenttothepointatonce.
"Iamhere,mylord,"hesaid,"onbusiness.Inthecourseofmyordinaryavocations"--theparliamentaryatmosphereseemedtobeaffectinghislanguage--"Iascertainedacertainsecretinyourpastlifewhich,ifitwererevealed,mightconceivablyhaveanotundamagingeffectuponyourcareer.FormysilenceinthismatterImustdemandasumoffiftythousandpounds."
LordFairliehadgrownpalerandpalerasthisspeechproceeded.
"Whathaveyoudiscovered?"hewhispered.Alas!heknewonlytoowellwhatthedamninganswerwouldbe.
"Twentyyearsago,"saidLionel,"youwroteahumorousbook."
LordFairliegaveastrangledcry.Hiskeenmindrecognizedinaflashwhataholdthisknowledgewouldgivehisenemies.ShaftsofFolly,hisbookhadbeencalled.Alreadyhesawtheleadingarticlesofthe
future:--"WeconfessourselvessomewhatatalosstoknowwhetherLordFairlie'sspeechatPlymouthyesterdaywasintendedasasupplementtohisearlierwork,ShaftsofFolly,orasaseriousofferingtoanationimpatientoflevityinsuchacrisis...."
"TheCabinet'sjester,inwhomtwentyyearsagothecountrylostanexcellentclownwithoutgainingastatesman,wasingreatformlastnight...."
"LordFairliehasamusedusinthepastwithhiscleverlittleparodies;hemayamuseusinthefuture;butasastatesmanwecan
onlyviewhimwithdisgust...."
"Well?"saidLionelatlast."Ithinkyourlordshipiswiseenoughtounderstand.Thediscoveryofasenseofhumourinamanofyoureminence----"
ButLordFairliewasalreadywritingoutthecheque.
THEEXPLORER
Astheeveningworeon--andoneyoungmanafteranotheraskedJocelynMontrevorifsheweregoingtoAscot,what?ortoHenley,what?orwhat?--shewonderedmoreandmoreifthiswereallthatlifewouldeverholdforher.Wouldshenevermeetaman,arealmanwhohaddonesomething?Theseboysaroundherwereverypleasant,sheadmittedtoherself;veryusefulindeed,sheadded,asoneapproachedherwithsomerefreshment;buttheywereonlyboys.
"Hereyouare,"saidFreddy,handingheraniceinthreecolours."I've
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haditmadespeciallycoldforyou.Theyonlyhadthegreen,pink,andyellowjerseysleft;Ihopeyoudon'tmind.Thegreenpartisarsenic,Ibelieve.Ifyoudon'twantthewaferI'lltakeithomeandputitbetweenthesashesofmybedroomwindow.Therattlingkeptmeawakealllastnight.That'swhyI'mlookingsoill,bytheway."
Jocelynsmiledkindlyandwentonwithherice.
"Thatremindsme,"Freddywenton,"we'vegotanuthereto-night.Thegenuinething.NoneofyoursocietyBarcelonasorsuburbanFilberts.OneoftherealCobfamily;thedriving-from-the-sixth-tee,inset-on-the-right,andNew-Year's-message-to-the-countrytouch.Inshort,acelebrity."
"Who?"askedJocelyneagerly.Perhapsherewasaman.
"WorrallBrice,theexplorer.Don'tsayyouhaven'theardofhimorAuntAlicewillcry."
Heardofhim?Ofcourseshehadheardofhim.Whohadn't?
WorrallBrice'sadventuresindistantpartsoftheempirewouldhavefilledabook--had,infact,alreadyfilledthree.AglanceathisflatinSt.James'sStreetgaveyousomeideaoftheadventureshehadbeen
through.HerewerethepolishedspursofhiscompanioninthefamousridethroughAustraliafromsouthtonorth--allthathadbeenleftbythecannibalsoftheWogga-WoggaRiveraftertheirbanquet.Herewasthepoisonedarrowwhich,bythemercifulinterventionofProvidence,justmissedWorrallandpiercedtheheartofoneofhisblackattendants,thepost-mortemhappilyrevealingthepresenceofanewandinterestingpoison.Here,again,wastheropewithwhichhewashangedbymistakeasaspyinSouthAmerica--amistakewhichwouldcertainlyhavehadfatalresultsifhehadnothadthepresenceofmindtoholdhisbreathduringtheperformance.Inyetanothercorneryoumightseehisfavouritemascot--atoothofthesharkwhichbithimoffthecoastofChina.Spears,knives,andgunslinedthewalls;everyinchofthefloorwascoveredbyskins.Hisflatwastypicaloftheman--amanwhohaddone
things.
"Introducehimtome,"commandedJocelyn."Whereishe?"
Shelookedupsuddenlyandsawhimenteringtheball-room.HewasofcommandingheightandhisfacewasthefaceofamanwhohasbeenexposedtotheforcesofNature.Thewind,thewaves,thesun,themosquitohadsettheirmarkuponhim.Downonesideofhischeekwasanewlyhealedscar,ascratchfromahippopotamusinitslastdeath-struggle.Alegacyfromabisonsearedhisbrow.
Hewalkedwiththesofteasytreadofthepython,orthePathan,orsomeanimalwitha"pth"init.ProbablyImeanthepanther.Heborehimself
confidently,andhismouthwasatrapfromwhichnosuperfluouswordescaped.HewasthestrongsilentmanofJocelyn'sdreams.
"Mr.WorrallBrice,MissMontrevor,"saidFreddy,andleftthem.
WorrallBricebowedandstoodbesideherwithfoldedarms,hisgazefixedaboveherhead.
"Ishallnotexpectyoutodance,"saidJocelyn,withaconfidentialsmilewhichimpliedthatheandshewereabovesuchfrivolities.Asa
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matteroffact,hecouldhavetaughthertheWogga-Woggaone-step,theBimbo,theKiyi,theJu-bu,theHead-hunter'sHug,andmanyothercannibalisticstepswhich,lateron,weretobecometherageofLondonandthebasisofarevue.
"Ihaveoftenimaginedyou,asyoukeptwatchoveryourcamp,"shewenton,"andIhaveseemedmyselftohearthesavagesandlionsroaringoutsidethecircleoffire,whattimeintheswampsthecrocodileswerebarking."
"Yes,"hesaid.
"Itmustbeawonderfullife."
"Yes."
"IfIwereamanIshouldwanttoleadsuchalife;togetawayfromallthis,"andshewavedherhandroundtheroom,"backtoNature.ToknowthatIcouldnoteatuntilIhadfirstkilledmydinner;thatIcouldnotliveunlessIslewtheenemy!Thatmustbefine!"
"Yes,"saidWorrall.
"IcannotgetFreddytoseeit.Heisquitecontenttohaveshotafew
grouse...andoncetohavewoundedabeater.Theremustbemoreinlifethanthat."
"Yes."
"IsupposeIamelemental.BeneaththeveneerofcivilizationIamasavage.Towakeupwiththewar-cryoftheenemyinmyears,tosleepwiththe--er--barkingofthecrocodileinmydreams,thatislife!"
WorrallBricetuggedathismoustacheandgazedintospaceoverherhead.Thenhespoke.
"Crocodilesdon'tbark,"hesaid.
Jocelynlookedathiminastonishment."Butinyourbook,ThroughTracklessPaths!"shecried."Iknowitalmostbyheart.Itwasyouwhotaughtme.Whatarethebeautifulwords?'Onthebanksofthesleepyrivertwogreatcrocodileswerebarking.'"
"Not'barking,'"saidWorrall."'Basking.'Itwasamisprint."
"Oh!"saidJocelyn.Shehadamoment'sawfulmemoryofalltheoccasionswhenshehadinsistedthatcrocodilesbarked.TherehadbeenaparticularlyfierceargumentwithMetaRichards,whohadrefusedtoweigheventheprintedwordofWorrallBriceagainstthesilenceoftheReptileHouseonherlastvisittotheZoo.
"Well,"smiledJocelyn,"youmustteachmeaboutthesethings.Willyoucomeandseeme?"
"Yes,"saidWorrall.Heratherlikedtostandandgazeintothedistancewhileprettywomentalkedtohim.AndJocelynwasverypretty.
"WeliveinSouthKensington.ComeonSunday,won'tyou?99PeeleCrescent."
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"Yes,"saidWorrall.
.....
OnSundayJocelynwaitedeagerlyforhiminthedrawing-roomofPeeleCrescent.Herfatherwasasleepinthelibrary,hermotherwasdead;soshewouldhavethegreatmantoherselfforanafternoon.Latershewouldhavehimforalways,forshemeanttomarryhim.Andwhentheyweremarriedshewasnotsosurethattheywouldlivewiththenoiseofthecrocodilebarkingorcoughing,orwhateveritdid,intheirears.ShesawherselfinthatlittlehouseinGreenStreetwiththenoiseofmotor-hornsandtaxi-whistlestosoothehertosleep.
Yetwhatamanhewas!Whathadhesaidtoher?Shewentoverallhiswords....Theywerenotmany.
Atsixo'clockshewasstillwaitinginthedrawing-roomatPeeleCrescent....
Atsix-thirtyWorrallBricehadgotasfarasPeelePlace....
Atsix-forty-fivehefoundhimselfinRadcliffeSquareagain....
Atseveno'clock,justashewasgivinghimselfupforlost,hemeta
taxiandreturnedtoSt.James'sStreet.Hewasagreattraveller,butSouthKensingtonhadbeentoomuchforhim.
Nextweekhewentbackunmarriedtothejungle.Itwasthenarrowestescapehehadhad.