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These transcripts have been produced to support the teaching of the OCR GCSE English Language specification for first teaching in September 2010.

OCR GCSE in English Languagespoken language transcripts for unit A652

2 OCR GCSE English Language – A652 Spoken Language unit Transcripts 10 Transcript Divas

Contents

These transcripts are taken from the OCR Spoken Language DVD for the 2010 - 2012 CA tasks

Language of a public figure 3 By the People: The Election of Barack Obama 3

Minnesota: 3 By the People: The Election of Barack Obama: 4

Iowa: 4 By the People: The Election of Barack Obama 5

Chicago: 5 Eddie Izzard: All clips from “7” 6

Stripped – Updates and Opera 6 Eddie Izzard: All clips from “7” 7

Dressed to Kill - Religion 7 Eddie Izzard: All clips from “7” 9

Stripped – Wolves and Sheep 9 The Best of the Two Ronnies 10

Part 1 10 The Best of the Two Ronnies 11

Part 2 11 Ronnie Corbett Live 12

A study of a particular interviewer 14 Michael Parkinson interviews Meg Ryan 14 Michael Parkinson interviews Jeremy Paxman 16 Michael Parkinson interviews Denise van Outen 17 Jeremy Paxman interviews George Galloway 19 Jenni Murray interviews Diana de Gunzburg: Women’s Hour 28.5.2010 21

A study of the language of sport on TV and/or radio 24 Cricket Commentary - Fri July 16th, Pakistan v Australia 24 Tennis Commentary - Wimbledon Men’s Singles final 2010 25

A study of the presentation of food and cookery 26 Hairy Bikers Cookbook Series 1&2 26 Ultimate Delia 28 Fanny Craddock Cooks for Christmas – Petit Fours 29 Jamie at Home, Series 2, Summer Recipes 30

Posh beans on toast 30 Jamie at Home, Series 2, Summer Recipes 32

Curried cauliflower fritters 32 Rick Stein’s French Odyssey 33

Acknowledgements 34

OCR GCSE English Language – A652 Spoken Language unit Transcripts 10 3 Transcript Divas

Language of a public figure

By the People: The Election of Barack Obama

Minnesota:

Barack Obama:

Thank you to my brothers and sisters. Thank you… thank you to my staff. Thank you to our volunteers. Thank you to my grandmother who helped raise me and is sitting in Hawaii somewhere right now because she can’t travel but who poured everything she had into me and uh who helped to make me the man I am today uh. Tonight is for her.

Tonight Minnesota, after fifty-four hard fought contests, our primary season has finally come to an end. Sixteen… sixteen months have passed since we first stood together on the steps of the Old State Capital in Springfield, Illinois. Thousands of miles have been travelled. Millions of voices have been heard and because of what you said, because you decided that change must come to Washington, because you believed that this year must be different than all the rest, because… because of you, tonight I can stand here and say I will be the Democratic nominee for the President of the United States of America.


By the People: The Election of Barack Obama:

Iowa:

Barack Obama:

Michelle and I had a really interesting conversation and she said uh, “We’re not doing this again.” And I at first thought she just meant I’m never home and it’s hard on the family and she meant a little bit of that but what she really meant was, you know, that the reason that that it was important for us to do this now, the reason that it’s better to do it now than later is we’re still almost normal, which I loved. It was a great line. I attributed it to you, it was a good line. And what she meant was, you know what? Five years ago, six years ago, we had just finished paying off our student loans …

Michelle Obama:

Three years ago, what are you saying?

Barack Obama:

Well, I was … five or six. Um we were still living in a condo. It was a little bit too small for the kids, my growing family. We still had credit card debt, we were trying to figure out how to save for college for the girls and save for our retirement. The point is that we’ve gone through what people are going through right now relatively recently. We don’t forget and so when I go into the White House, I will be carrying your voices with me. What it comes down to is who do you trust? And you know I think that if you trust me then I think I’ll deliver for you. Alright I’m going to go to bed.


By the People: The Election of Barack Obama

Chicago:

Barack Obama:

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for many generations but one that’s on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She was a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing – Anne Nixon Cooper is a hundred and six years old. She was born just a generation past slavery. A time when there were no cars on the road and or planes in the sky. When someone like her couldn’t vote for two reasons: because she was a woman and because of the colour of her skin. And tonight, I think about all that she’s seen throughout her century in America. The heartache and the hope, the struggle and the progress, the times we were told that we can’t and the people who pressed on with that American creed, yes we can.

At a time when women’s voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can. When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a new deal, new jobs, a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can. When the bombs fell on our harbour and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can. She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma and a preacher from Atlanta who told the people that we shall overcome. Yes we can.

This is our moment. This is our time to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids. To restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace. To reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth that out of many we are one. That while we breathe we hope, and where we are met with cynicism and doubt and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the people. Yes we can. Thank you. God bless you and may God bless the United States of America.


Eddie Izzard: All clips from “7”

Stripped – Updates and Opera

Eddie Izzard:

So, Wikipedia, yes. On the very sexy computers like the Macintosh computers. I have an Apple Macintosh computer, sort of very touchy, sexy feely and you open it up and in the old days porn would take forever to download. Do you remember that? Friends tell me um. Friends who can spell porn. That picture would come … this is cat porn, it’s a picture of a cat. Picture of a cat. But nowadays you’re just tip tapping away and a little box comes up, “Would you like a software update?” And you go, “Yeah, yeah I’ll have one of those.” It’s like a latte thing, yes, why not? And then time becomes a different thing. Time becomes weird as it downloads. Five minutes to download, four minutes to download, three minutes to download, nine minutes to download, three minutes to download, seven hours to download, six seconds to download. A light year to download.

And then it starts asking you questions like, uh “Will you sign a new agreement with iTunes?” And I’ve signed many agreements with iTunes. I don’t know what they want from me anymore. Surely they know I agree with them. I’m just … I’m there, you know, why do they keep checking like I’m going to go away? No, I no longer agree with you. We all agree and they’ve made us liars. You can’t say to children. “Don’t lie.” “Well you said you’ve read the Terms and Conditions …” No one has read the Terms and Conditions, no one in the world. No one, even the lawyers who wrote it wrote it like this. It could say anything in there. We will take your buttocks and sell them to Chinese. Yes! Set fire to your hedges. Why not? Put your knee in a sling … because you’re in go fever at that point … come on, give me that update! Because it could be that one update that would make your life complete like the Willy Wonka golden chocolate thingy with the … update yes. And then sex with everyone and free chickens for life. Whether they want to come or not.

But then it downloads and you have to do a reboot thing which is basically getting ready to go to the seaside with your bucket and spade with the engine on and your dad says, “Come on. Everyone out of the car!” What? Where we going? Where we going? Where we going? “Everyone back in the car.” Back in the car? (makes car noises) What the fuck was that?

So yes and then you update the whole thing and nothing has changed which is a bit weird and annoying. If you have a PC computer, I think it’s a similar thing, you press the on button and then there’s a crank, you have to crank it and then … contact! And then they spin the propeller and you get in (makes propeller noises). Come on, the PC’s going. And you put on a 78 record, move the horn around (makes horn noises). Caruso sings the update (sings) … I’ve worked out that opera is just being … if you didn’t learn opera, you can just get a microphone and go …(sings) It’s it’s rich people watching large people being shaken by small people (sings). And also the words should not be clear … because I’m going to the toilet, that’s not opera, opera’s (sings) … send them to the chemist for tea tree oil, if you got that. And the women sing crazy, they’re so high. It’s like cats outside your window. Ow! Not a cat. Fucking hell. Tea tree oil … from the chemist … It’s bloody tiring this way.

But there are some songs which are faster, yibbity, dibbity, yibbity, dibbity, diddly dung … biddly boddly biddly … Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro … what the fuck did he do? Did he eat something? What has he got a bad leg? I know his first name. Continue! Figaro, Figaro, Figaro … Stephens. Went to the pub, went to the pub, went to the pub. Figaro Stephens went to the pub, went to the pub and read a French newspaper.



Dressed to Kill - Religion

Eddie Izzard:

So yeah and the Greeks, the Romans, they went Christian and then we had Christianity for about fifteen hundred years, do you know? Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol and everything he stood for. Then Henry the Eighth came along, Henry the Eighth, a big hairy king umm … and he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic church, “Mr Pope! I’m gonna marry my first wife and then I’m gonna divorce her. Now I know what you’re gonna say but stick with me my story gets better. Gonna marry my second wife and then I’m gonna kill her, cut her head off … ahhhh not expecting that, are you? Haha! Ah yes, third wife gonna shoot her, fourth wife put her in a bag, fifth wife into outer space, sixth wife on the rotissomat, seventh wife made out of jam, eighth wife ... And the Pope’s going, “You crazy bugger, you can’t do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can’t marry all these people, you can’t do all this I’m the Pope, I’m the head of the church I have to keep up st …” Ciao ... What have you been reading? The gospel according to Saint Bastard?

So Henry the eighth who was Sean Connery for this film, “Well then, I will set up a new religion in this country, I will. I will set up uh ..the psychotic bastard religion.” And an adviser said, “Why not call it Church of England?” “Church of England that’s a much better ... even though I am Scottish myself.” So they did. That’s the birth of Church of England, the birth of the Anglican Church, disgusting, eh? That’s no basis to start a religion on; nothing to do with the Protestant church, I mean Henry just shagged and killed a lot of women and then stole the money off the monasteries you know. Rape, pillage, rape and pillage that is.

The protestant faith was different that started um… well probably around a similar time but that was about Martin Luther this German guy who pinned a note on a church door saying, “Hang on a minute” but in German. So ein minuten bitte, ich habe einen kleinen problemo avec diese religioni. He was from everywhere so yes, and so the Protestant faith was sort of tacked on, you know, by Elizabeth the First a bit later. “Ooh, look at this, some principles, thank God we’ve got some principles.”

Nowadays Church of England’s much more ‘hello how are you?’ Much more of a hobby type ... ‘hello’. A lot of people in the Church of England have no muscles in their arms ... hello, yes. Ha ha ha, yes, that’s what I thought, hah. Do, do come in you’re the only one today. Now the sermon today is taken from a magazine that I found…, that I found in a hedge. Now, lipstick colours this season are in the uh frosted pink area and uh nail colours to match. And uh this reminds me rather of our Lord Jesus because surely when Jesus went in to Nazareth on a donkey he must have got tarted up a bit. We’ll now sing hymn four hundred and five Oh God, What on Earth is uh is My Hairdo All About? Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo …

There’s something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, go joyous. It’s fucking amazing and it’s born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder all of that. And this joyous singing and the Church of England, well, all the sort of Christian religions which are mainly Caucasian white people with all the power and money, enough power and money to make Solomon blush and they are all singing, “Oh God our help in ages past our hope for years to come...” They’re the only group of people who can sing hallelujah without feeling like it’s a hallelujah thing. Hallelujah, hallelujah, joyfully we lark about.” And no, it’s it’s just not kicking is it? You know. God must be up there going, “What on earth is that?” God who is James Mason, “What on earth is that? Jesus Christ what on earth is that?” “Don’t take my name in vain, Dad.” “Jeesy Creesy, what on earth is that?” “Don’t call me Jeesy Creesy! Look dad, I went down there told them to hang out, be groovy, drink a bit of wine ... they split into different groups. You got the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jesuits, the Methodists, the


Evangelicals, the Free Presbyterians, the locked up Presbyterians, the Quakers, the bakers, the candlestick makers. “The Mormons are from Mars, Dad, we’ve had it checked.” “And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?” “Oh he’s useless, Dad, got a sheet over his head these days.” “Ooh Holy Ghost ... Holy Ghost.” “Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo.” “I would have succeeded if it wasn’t for those pesky God and Jesus fellows.”



Stripped – Wolves and Sheep

Eddie Izzard:

So the Egyptians did a number of groovy things and five thousand years they were there and they invented a language. A language, a language written up on there. And it was a nightmare for newsreaders. “Here is the news in Egypt. Man with a hat, man with a hat, dog with a gun. Pig, pig, pig coming. Man, duck, duck with a gun. Man coming. There’s an eyeball walking along (mumbles)… chicken, chicken with a banjo. Dog, really powerful dog comes along and a cat got him in an arm lock and … three things … big eye, big eye, fish, cat. It seems the orgy in the zoo continues into its seventh year. That’s what I’m guessing. Anyway, here is the weather with Janine.” Uh “Thank you. It will be sunny forever.”

And now the Greeks. So the Greeks came in ah cos the Egyptians all died in a car crash and the Greeks they had democracy. That’s two words, two Greek words, demos means people, ocracy is a kind of inflatable cat, full of helium. Vote now … vote now. Kind of like Bladerunner in my mind. So they had democracy, which was great. It took off there; it flowered through the Roman period, five hundred years of democracy. And then it went phutt, somewhere around Caesar, the third son of God. Umm… and they also not only had that, they had the Spartans. The Spartans were … the elite fighters of today were based on the Spartans. And uh … the Spartans were just crazy; get up in the morning, yawn … ooh, kick, dead … spears … agghh … breakfast! “How many did you get?” “Got eight.” “I got seven.” Just mayhem. Death by numbers. Yeah, the Spartans – the men, of course, were harrumph, but the women were also harrumph and the children were harrumph and the dogs were woof and the cats were woof and the slugs were heh … and the sheep, shhh, silent.

The most deadly sheep in the world. They were the only predator sheep the world has ever known. They would wear bandannas like the Kamikaze pilots with ancient sheep runes on them but they had not a clue what they meant and they would sneak up on wolves. They would creep up in the dead of night; they would never make a bleat. Then the wolves would wake and go, “Sheep!” “What?” “I’m the wolf who cried sheep.” And the irony was writ large upon them and the sheep would be in a standoff with the wolves because they knew they were more powerful but the sheep were brave. The sheep would take a rusty blade and they would say, “Look at this!” And they would shear themselves (makes shearing noises) … “Come on! I’ve got my jacket off now! Do you want to come outside?” And then wolves would go, “We are outside.” “Let’s fight, mother fucker.” (laughs) And the wolves would go, “This is not in the book. Grab their clothes and run.”

So as as… the audience realise where the joke was, the wolves in sheep’s clothing would run down the hill, run into a local market, buy Slurpies, run off and never pay. “Hey, I thought they were sheep.” “They were wolves in sheep’s clothing.” “I didn’t know. It’s a new thing to me.” And it started a whole spate of that. Wolves in sheep’s clothing, dogs in cat’s clothing, pigs in giraffe’s clothing… which looked odd. And ants in elephant’s clothing, which was the biggest bluff of all. “Move or we will trample you.” “You’re the flattest elephants I’ve ever seen.” “We are covert elephants. Work for the National Secret People. We are taking leaves back to our nests.” “Elephants don’t have nests.” “Shit … We will trample you with our noses.” “Tzzz” said the man. Forget that scene (whispers). No, I like the scene after that … I don’t know where it goes after that.


The Best of the Two Ronnies

Part 1

Ronnie Corbett:

I was uh I was rummaging through a box of old documents the other day. I forget what I was looking for, no I don't I don’t, I'd had a little tiff with my wife and there was a little bit of high-spirited name-calling and I had stormed out of the room to fetch my birth certificate…

Actually I never did find it, I’ll be honest with you and when I asked my mother she confessed that when I was a baby I was so ugly … now, I know that’s hard to believe, isn't it? I know you’re all thinking never, never… Anyway I was so ugly that I never had a birth certificate, I had an invoice. And she told me a little story about once when she took me on a bus the conductor came along for the fares and he looked at my mother, "Missus,” he said, “That’s the ugliest child” he said, “I have ever seen." He said, "A joke is a joke, but that child,” he said, “is frightening". So she got rather upset, you see, and started having a few tears and she said, "Stop the bus I want to get off." And the conductor said, "With pleasure."

And she got off and she takes a seat on this little seat, naturally which is the best place to take a seat, outside a public house, still crying, boohoo, boohoo! With me in the arms. Boohoo. You should see them all here, all heartbreaking.

Anyway, she is still sitting there after a few minutes, a few minutes and she is making so much noise that a man comes out of the pub and he says to her, "What's the matter?" Well, see she is so upset that she can't speak, so he says, "Stay there and I'll get you a drop of something to cheer you up a bit." You see? So he goes back in the pub and he comes out and he says, "Here you are Missus, I’ve got you a nice brandy and some nuts for the monkey."

So and so you see as a child I led a very, very sheltered life, but I was fortunate that the first school that I ever went to was a pretty soft school, you know, for pretty soft kids. Good heavens, at Saint Pansy's Primary… you could have a reign of terror with a balloon on a stick. We were paying protection money to the Brownies, you know. I’ve got a picture at home of us all sitting there like this, you know, when I was the captain of the school embroidery team. We were so sensitive, we were so sensitive you know, that when the teacher said, "Ding dong dell, pussy's down the well," six of us fainted.

I remember that the worst thing that could happen to you at Saint Pansy's was to be selected for the school football team, you know. On a good day, we used to lose about a hundred to nil. The forwards always used to play a system, the forwards that if you didn’t go near the ball, you couldn’t get hurt. And our goalkeeper never had a chance, never had a chance. He could only ever get one hand to the ball, you see, because his mother would be holding the other one.


The Best of the Two Ronnies

Part 2

Ronnie Corbett:

Now the last game I ever played in was against a local team, Saint Margaret's. My, they were big girls. I no, I think some of them had never seen a boy before and they ran on to the field and caught our winger and tried to take him to pieces to see how he worked. Poor Larry Grayson’s never got over it.

Anyway, anyway that really is nothing at all to do with what I was going to tell you about.

What I was going to say, was that while me and the au pair were up in the attic looking through these old papers, you know the au pair came across … sorry, that’s rather an unfortunate phrase. She came over, she’d found an old invitation to an old boys' annual reunion at my old school, my senior school, the old Martin Boreman Comprehensive.

Now that was one of the most exciting evenings I can ever remember. It all started very formally, very formally. We all sang the school 'song, "Lily of Laguna" and then the headmaster led us into three cheers for Penicillin. And one thing I shall always remember about Dr Rackman,… was that if he thought one of his pupils was emotionally disturbed, he used to sit the man down in his study and get down a great volume entitled Child Psychology and then hit him on the head with it. You could always tell the emotionally disturbed kids. They had shorter necks than the others.

Anyway, this is what I was coming up to. It was at the reception afterwards that I met this fantastic girl. Beautiful face, fantastic figure. I said, "Can I buy you a drink?" She said, "No thank you, I don't drink." I said, "Smoke?" She said, "No thank you, I don't." I said, "Can I take you home?" She said, "Yes, please." So we got to her house about ten minutes later and as we’re standing in the doorway, you see, and I said to her, "You are the most wonderful girl I’ve ever met. You don't drink or smoke. You're beautiful, wonderful sense of humour, intelligent.” She said to me, “Yes,” she said, "I'm also very passionate,” she said. “Would (pause) you like to come in?"

Well, she opened the front door and there, lying in the hall, was a dead horse… I said, "What's that?" She said, "I never said I was tidy, did I?"


Ronnie Corbett Live

Ronnie Corbett:

I’d like to begin tonight, if I may, on a rather serious note, to be truthful. Something of a sensitive subject, but one I hope we can all approach in an adult, mature fashion. The question of my sex appeal and why it didn’t bring a single donation.

Now… now now.., I knew you wouldn’t take that seriously, but the fact is that it’s a popular fallacy that men of diminutive stature don’t make great lovers. As I pointed out in my recent book on the subject, How to Make a Little go a Long Way, anyway in which I recounted my first ever awakening to the attractions of the opposite sex at the age of twelve. I can still remember it vividly; I’d just climbed halfway up Carmen Miranda and suddenly I lost all interest in scrumping her apples. Now a risky venture in those days because I did go to a very strict school.

Anyway, what I thought I would do tonight was to bring along this week’s sack of fan mail from all my adoring lady admirers and just just pick one of the letters. Just any letter. Completely at random and here it is. “To the most erotic man on television,” care of The Two Ronnies. See what I mean? I get this all the time. Let’s see what’s inside. Da-da-dee Da-da-dee, da-da-dee … “Dearest Ronnie, you are the sexiest hunk of man I have every seen. Virile and masculine, yet warm and cuddly. Last night I dreamt that you and I were … “ I beg your pardon? “How I long to make mad passionate music together. Ronnie, say it can be so. All I ask is that you get rid of that little weedy one on the show… Perhaps when he’s spouting his drivel from the chair we can slip away.” Well, dear me, that’s what I do with a letter like that. Particularly if it’s not getting any laughs. Anyway, now but it said at the end, “Please ask him to tell the joke about the Red Indian and the American tourist” which brings us neatly, if not convincingly, to tonight’s story.

Now, now I’m glad it’s this story actually because it should cheer up my wife who’s rather upset tonight um… as today holds rather painful memories for us at home because it was exactly a year ago today when that terrible incident occurred. When I was kidnapped. I haven’t talked about it before but uh in public because it left a lot of scars, naturally. But it all happened one Saturday afternoon. We were taking part in a bit charity showbiz event on Wimbledon Common – very flattering because my wife and I were actually guests of honour and, as a special tribute, the first night of our honeymoon was being re-enacted by the Sealed Knot Society. I’m sure that’s a clever joke but I’m not sure what it means. Anyway… I…

I’ll admit the catering left a lot to be desired. It was in the hands of the Canteen Manageress – nice lady but a bit short-sighted. She once spent twenty minutes confessing to adultery in a passport photo booth outside Woolworth’s. Now, I swear she hadn’t been reading her own recipes enough because on this occasion, for dessert, she’d served up lemming meringue. Every time you went to eat some it kept throwing itself off the plate. I…

Now, it was 5.30, I’d just left to go home when suddenly, without warning, the kidnapper struck. The car roared up alongside me, the door was flung open, I was dragged in and off we went. We drove for three hours until we came to a deserted, disused old building which they’d obviously picked because no one would ever go there, you know, Rotherham football ground. No, it wasn’t, I shouldn’t be unfair, because Rotherham are doing their best to make a go of things. Only this week, they signed two new spectators so they are trying hard. And there I was kept. Every day they fed me on nothing but stale bread and water and it was so revolting, I’ll be honest, I very nearly didn’t leave a tip.

Anyway, these two kidnappers were not terribly bright. I later found out that the previous job they’d kidnapped the son of a wealthy oil tycoon and they’d cut his ear off and sent the rest of him back with a note saying, “Pay up or we’ll shoot the ear.” And to show that they meant business, they tied the ear to a chair and whenever they were discussing their plans; they stuffed it with cotton wool so it couldn’t hear what they were saying. Anyway, well, by now, they had wised up, learned how to


be hard-nosed and they sent a note to Television Company which said, “How would you like to see Ronnie Corbett strung up on a meat hook?” Well, the next day they got a letter from the Head of Comedy saying, “This shows promise. Let’s have lunch.”

So eventually, eventually they issued an ultimatum. If the TV Company did not leave ten thousand pounds in a hollow tree at St Pancras Station immediately within twenty-four hours, I would never be seen again... Eleven months went by. It went through various committees, the ransom note was read out on Points of View, the kidnappers got fed up of waiting and let me go, alive and completely unharmed and the TV Company sued them for breach of contract.

However, anchored in the past, fortunately. On with the story in this story about an American tourist was first told to me many years ago by my Uncle Cedric, something of a misfit in the family. I remember, at the time, he’d just been demobbed from the Andrews Sisters. And, like all the Corbett’s, he’s a very small man, used to be a sleeping car attendant on a Hornby train set. One of the few people who’d ever been up a vacuum cleaner and …

Anyway, here is the joke. There’s this chap on a package tour going round the United States and the tour takes him deep into Indian country, do you see? Down through Wounded Knee, through Twisted Ankle, finally arriving at Athlete’s Foot where they all pile out of the coach and the guide draws their attention to a wizened old Indian who was standing there by the road and he said, “That over there is Leaping Turtle. Last of the Navajos. And he has the most amazing memory of any man alive. Who’d like to test him out?” So this chap steps forwards and says, “Tell me Leaping,” he says, “can you recall what you had for breakfast on February the 25th, 1947?” And without a hesitation, the Indian replies, “Eggs.” The chap says, “Well, I’ll be plum-duggered. That’s incredible. What a memory.” At which point in time, they all clamber back on the coach and off they go. Well, the chap enjoys the trip so much that twenty-five years later he goes back again and, sure enough, there standing by the roadside is the same Red Indian. Bit older now, obviously, splashing his scalp with some Grecian 2000. Delivering a rather limp war cry … eeeuurrghh. But anyway. I forgot to tell you, he’s in the Salvation Army.

Anyway, this chap can’t believe it, he said, “That’s incredible.” He said, “Leaping Turtle, he’s alive all this time” and he goes out to him and he says, “How?” And the Indian looks round and he says, “Scrambled.”


A study of a particular interviewer

Michael Parkinson interviews Meg Ryan

Parkinson: You said once that acting was not in your nature.

Meg Ryan: I did?

Parkinson: You did say that, yes. You did say that. Did you- Are you denying you said that?

Meg Ryan: No, it seems like something I’d say.

Parkinson: All right, fine.

Meg Ryan: No, I uh um think what I meant was that it always feels very awkward for me to be in front of an audience or in the spotlight. It doesn’t come all that naturally.

Parkinson: So why do it?

Meg Ryan: I don’t know. Maybe you can help me out with that.

Parkinson: No, I couldn’t. It’s for you to debate and tell me.

Meg Ryan: I don’t know. I’m compelled though and I it, I like the work a lot.

Parkinson: But you don’t like the spotlight that goes with it? The rest of it.

Meg Ryan: It’s awkward, it’s not something that comes easily or sits naturally. I mean, I do it you know, it’s fine but it doesn’t seem, you know, like an easy fit.

Parkinson: But you can’t have one without the other, can you? You can’t do what you do and be famous and well known without …uh

Meg Ryan: Well I think you can certainly be an actor and not be a movie star.

Parkinson: Well, but you are a movie star.

Meg Ryan: Yes.

Parkinson: By choice.

Meg Ryan: Seemingly.

Parkinson: So you’ve got a problem.

Meg Ryan: Yes.

Parkinson: And it seems that it’s one that’s not going to be resolved on this show either.

Meg Ryan: No.

Parkinson: You trained to be a journalist?

Meg Ryan: I did, yeah. I went to New York University, which is uh um … anyway, I went to New York University and tried- I studied to be a journalist but I never graduated. I had about a semester to go.

Parkinson: And why why did you change from being a journalist to being an actress?


Meg Ryan: Uh I was paying my way through school doing commercials and things like that and one just overtook the other. I think sometimes your life seems to choose you a little bit and I feel like that’s what happened.

Parkinson: What kind of a journalist would you have made, do you think?

Meg Ryan: (laughs) I wasn’t interested in doing anything really you know hard-core but I was interested in doing things like you know maybe write for a magazine or … cooking. Some article on food.

Parkinson: Now that you’re wary of journalists, I mean does it give you an insight into what they’re after?

Meg Ryan: Now that I’m wary of them.

Parkinson: Yes you are wary of journalists. You’re wary of me, you’re wary of the interview. You don’t like being interviewed, you can see it in the way that you sit and the way that you are …

Meg Ryan: True.

Parkinson: So therefore, well, I mean it’s a perfectly easy question … a decent question to ask you about being a journalist. In other words, if you were me, what would you do now?

Meg Ryan: Just wrap it up.

Parkinson: Have you had time to look at the outfit?

Susannah: I’m very admiring of your shoes and the fact that you can walk in them, they’re so high.

Meg Ryan: Yeah.

Susannah: Amazing.


Michael Parkinson interviews Jeremy Paxman

Parkinson: Have you ever interviewed a politician and at the end thought you went too far, you were too rude?

Paxman: Quite often. I have quite often thought, you know, wake up at three o clock in the morning and think, “Oh God, I really was a bit rough on, I don’t know, Charles Kennedy or whoever. Uh and it troubles me because in the end they have legitimacy and I don’t. They’re elected, I’m not. I’m just there because I happen to be a journalist who’s ended up doing what he does now and it does trouble me.

Parkinson: I’m interested that you feel sorry because this is a side of you that I’ve not seen before.

Paxman: Yes. I mean, I don’t want to get carried away about it but

Parkinson: Now, Jeremy, I want a full confession. I want mea culpa …

Paxman: You know nobody in this life doesn’t make mistakes. We all make mistakes. You misunderstand things, you get the nuances wrong, you’re too assertive or you’re not assertive enough. You let them get away with half-truths and obfuscation you know when you shouldn’t. And yeah, I like awake at night and worry about those things, yes.

Parkinson: Did you worry about Michael Howard?

Paxman: I didn’t worry about the famous Michael Howard interview um where … you mean the occasion where I asked the same question fourteen times? I thought he’d gone a bit deaf. No. He was unfortunate in that I’d asked the question about six or seven times and it was clear he wasn’t going to answer it and I was about to move onto something else and a voice came into my ear saying “The next piece of tape hasn’t been cut, you’d better carry on with this interview” and I couldn’t think of anything else to ask him. So I repeated the question and even after fourteen times, he still didn’t answer it.

Parkinson: Stephen thinks that this was a great piece of comedy, don’t you?

Coogan: Oh, it was fantastic. I just thought when you said, when you said you know, “Did you threaten to overrule it? Did you threaten to overrule it?”

Paxman: I don’t sound like that really, do I?

Coogan: I’m afraid so.

Paxman: You know, the first time I saw that Spitting Image sketch, I was sitting at home quietly … Sunday night wasn’t it? Inoffensively watching Spitting Image which I think was terribly funny. And then this new character appeared and he spoke in this very odd voice … and he had a large hooter, sort of angular and I thought, “Who’s this supposed to be?” Terrible, terrible moment. I’m sorry, I interrupted you, sorry.

Coogan: No. It’s just that I didn’t realise you could say the same sentence in so many different ways. It was a real lesson uh in variation, that’s all.


Michael Parkinson interviews Denise van Outen

Parkinson: Well you did have your heart broken, didn’t you? That’s what all the newspapers said.

van Outen: Yes, I did. No, I’ll always be quite honest about it. I’d never been in love before and I did fall in love …

Parkinson: With Jay Kay?

van Outen: Yes, but we’re friends now.

Parkinson: I mean, does that song recapture the feeling of having the heart broken?

van Outen: It does because the music’s so beautiful and the lyrics that Don writes are so moving. That’s why, you know, you can see with this show, it’s actually timeless. Although we have updated it, it’s just so beautiful and to perform it, you know, is amazing.

Parkinson: But you’re in a new relationship now, aren’t you?

van Outen: Yes, I am and I’m very happy. My heart’s been mended.

Parkinson: Again, I mean lets just get this … the tabloid stuff out of the way, I hear you’re feeling broody.

van Outen: Yes, I am.

Parkinson: Oh I’m glad I asked that … Jeremy, he’s perked up there.

van Outen: Who’s first?

Clarkson: He won’t be long

Parkinson: Cheeky sod! How do you know?

Clarkson: A man of your age, Michael …

van Outen: Nought to sixty in five seconds.

Clarkson: Sorry, we shouldn’t be slobbering over you like this.

Parkinson: No we shouldn’t no…

van Outen: No, I like it. Please, more, more, more.

Parkinson: But, I mean, the sensible question would be that you are now … you’ve had this extraordinary transformation in your life in a sense. You started with Chicago, but what was interesting was that when it was announced that you were going to take over in Chicago, there was this kind of raised eyebrow … how could she? But, in fact, you were absolutely wonderful and that was the start of this new thing.

van Outen: Thank you. Yeah, I’d kind of forgotten, I’ve had a lot of training in the past and went to a theatre school and because I was doing TV and doing shows like the Big Breakfast and Something For the Weekend, I’d kind of forgotten what I’m really about which is this – performing, singing and dancing, which is what I love doing. So doing Chicago reminded me that that’s what I love so this is why I’m doing it now.

Parkinson: But it’s another thing altogether. You’ve obviously had to work very hard to get back to where you …


van Outen: I do but I really like a challenge, that’s what I get my enjoyment from and rehearsing for Chicago was really, really tough. But I was determined to do it and at that time I really did have the eye of the tiger you know because I’d come out of a relationship and I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do something.

Parkinson: Yes it was a kind of therapy in a sense.

van Outen: Well yes, it was. It kept me busy for six months every night.

Parkinson: Yes, exactly, keep your mind off things. But going back to my original question before I got side-tracked by uh this series of allegations about my sexual performance …

van Outen: They call him Mr Ferrari …

Clarkson: It’s the Volvo estate.

van Outen: At least he’s not Mini Cooper.

Parkinson: No no, what I was going to say, talking about broody and all that sort of thing your new relationship, now I mean one assumes that you are going to concentrate on what you are becoming. I mean, if Andrew Lloyd Webber picks you out of a crowd and says, “This is my leading lady” it’s not like just anybody saying that is it?

van Outen: No no, I’m … career comes first at the moment for me but I would … you know, I’m getting close to thirty now so I would like to have a family soon.

Parkinson: Yes


Jeremy Paxman interviews George Galloway

Paxman: Well, we’re joined now from his count in Bethnal Green & Bow by George Galloway. Mr Galloway, are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?

Galloway: What a preposterous question. I know it’s very late in the night but wouldn’t you be better by starting with congratulating me with one of the most successful election results in modern history?

Paxman: Are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?

Galloway: I’m not ... Jeremy, move onto your next question.

Paxman: You’re not answering that one?

Galloway: No, because I don’t believe that people get elected because of the colour of their skin. I believe people get elected because of their record and because of their policies. So move onto your next question because I’ve got a lot of people who want to speak to me. If you ask that question again, I’m going. I warn you now.

Paxman: Don’t try and threaten me, Mr Galloway, please.

Galloway: You’re the one, you’re the one who’s trying to badger me.

Paxman: I’m not trying to badger you, I’m merely trying to ask you if you’re proud of having driven out of Parliament one of the very few black women there. A woman you accused of having on her conscience, the deaths of a hundred thousand people.

Galloway: Oh, well there’s no doubt about that one. There’s absolutely no doubt that all those New Labour MPs who voted for Mr Blair and Mr Bush’s war have on their hands the blood of a hundred thousand people in Iraq, many of them British soldiers, many of them American soldiers, most of them Iraqis and that’s a more important issue than the colour of her skin.

Paxman: Because yes, you then went on to say, “Including a lot of women who had blacker faces than her.”

Galloway: Absolutely right, absolutely right. So don’t try uh and tell me that I should feel guilty about one of the most sensational results in modern electoral history because the person I defeated is a woman or a …

Paxman: I put it to you, Mr Galloway, that Nick Raynsford had you to a tee when he said you were a demagogue.

Galloway: I’m sorry?

Paxman: Nick Raynsford, you know who I mean? Nick Raynsford? Labour MP?

Galloway: I don’t know …

Paxman: You’ve never heard of him?

Galloway: I’ve never heard of Nick Raynsford, no.

Paxman: What else haven’t you heard of?

Galloway: Well, I’ve been in Parliament a long time …


Paxman: He was a Parliamentary colleague of yours until very recently.

Galloway: Most of them just blend on into the other, Jeremy, they’re they’re largely a spineless supine bunch.

Paxman: Have you ever heard of Tony Banks?

Galloway: Yes, I have, yes.

Paxman: Right. Tony Banks was sitting here five minutes ago and he said you were behaving inexcusably. You had deliberately chosen to go to that part of London and to exploit the latent racial tensions there.

Galloway: You are actually conducting, one of the most, even by your standards, one of the most absurd interviews I have ever participated in. I have just won an election. Can you find it within yourself to recognise that fact? To recognise the fact that the people of Bethnal Green & Bow chose me this evening?

Paxman: Oh, we recognise it.

Galloway: Why are you insulting them?

Paxman: I’m not insulting them; I’m not insulting you …

Galloway: Yes you are, you are insulting them. They chose me just a few minutes ago. Can’t you find it within yourself even to congratulate me on this victory?

Paxman: Congratulations, Mr Galloway.

Galloway: Thank you very much indeed

Paxman: How do you propose to use your time …

Galloway: Thank you very much indeed.

Paxman: Oh I see it’s another occasion of you not wanting to talk to someone who doesn’t agree with you.

Galloway: No, no, no. Actually Jeremy …

Paxman: All right. David what do you make of Mr Galloway?


Jenni Murray interviews Diana de Gunzburg: Women’s Hour 28.5.2010

Jenni Murray: A new novel for teenagers called The Moonstone Legacy has a number of things in common with the famous book by Wilkie Collins. Both have an Indian diamond at the centre of the story and in each a teenage girl is at risk. In the new story, Lizzy is the one battling the curse.

Diana de Gunzburg: It had been two years to the day since her mother’s death but the horror of that moment was seared in her memory forever as fourteen-year-old Lizzy stood under the great cedar tree where the accident had happened. She laid a bunch of lilies on the ground. Sighing, she brushed a strand of long dark hair from her face as she looked across the sweeping lawns to Shalimar. It’s intricate stone arches and pavilions glowed in the last rays of the setting sun. The Taj Mahal of the Yorkshire Moors, her mother had called it, and had promised to take her to see the famous monument one day. But there would be no trip to India. No Taj Mahal.

Jenni Murray: Well, the story is set in both Yorkshire and India, drawing on the history of both its authors. Tony Wild was brought up in Yorkshire, Diana de Gunzburg, who joins us from London, has a Yorkshire mother and a Pashtun father who now live on the North West Frontier of Pakistan. Diana, how deliberately did you draw on the Wilkie Collins?

Diana de Gunzburg: Um well, deliberately … it’s actually happened to us in the sense that we were thinking about writing, we’re both mutually interested in East West stories for various reasons. Tony’s written about history and I have a history that is East West, as you know. And um so we were thinking it would be great to wrote a story, an East West story um, and we were looking for a kind of line and we were trailing through books and classics and we found the last line of The Moonstone and we thought, “I wonder if anyone’s ever actually taken up the challenge of Wilkie Collins?” And found they hadn’t and we were off basically.

Jenni Murray: So would you call it a sequel or not?

Diana de Gunzburg: Well, we’ve definitely … there are so many parallels that yeah I think we’ll dare to say yes.

Jenni Murray: Why did you want to write a book for teenagers?

Diana de Gunzburg: Uh because we wanted to talk about lots of subjects, which we will do over the three-book project. And to write about the sort of subjects we wanted to include we thought we would be much freer in uh a young voice.

Jenni Murray: Now, to look at your history, your grandparents were Pashtun and Russian. How did that unlikely combination come together?

Diana de Gunzburg: Yes, it’s basically my grandfather was going to … was looking for a way to buy back land that his father had lost. He spent twenty years in Oregon with a whole village full of people that he’d taken – this is, sort of, nineteen hundreds so it’s quite a … it was the Wild West. And uh he made money over twenty years in logging, between 1900 and 1920 and then he travelled the world on his way back to Afghanistan and Pakistan, well it was Northern India then, meeting my grandmother in Moscow and taking her with him.

Jenni Murray: And they went across country to Kabul didn’t they?

Diana de Gunzburg: They did. They drove and, yeah, it’s extraordinary.


Jenni Murray: And what about your parents? A Yorkshire woman and another Pashtun.

Diana de Gunzburg: Well, they met in London where my father was studying uh it was a love story, you know, second generation and it’s worked and they’re still married and they still live and farm up in the North West Frontier, even despite all the troubles, and uh they’re happy and it works for them. This was all part of my normal up-bringing effectively.

Jenni Murray: So what was it like for you to grow up between Yorkshire and Pakistan in the sixties and seventies?

Diana de Gunzburg: Well, you know how it is when you’re a child, you everything seems normal to you. But what happened was when I’d come back from Pakistan with a sort of story to tell my friends, I mean it was slightly incredulous to them, everything that seemed normal to me. So I kind of I suppose I became a bit of an inside outsider in both countries. I would say that’s probably the best way of describing it.

Jenni Murray: What kind of things surprised your Yorkshire friends?

Diana de Gunzburg: Uh sort of stories of servants and drivers and murders and murderers working for us which were all perfectly decent people except they happened to be murderers for honourable reasons so all these sort of really cultural extraordinary differences obviously made people think I was a bit whacky, you know.

Jenni Murray: And what did your Pakistani friends think of your Yorkshire stories?

Diana de Gunzburg: Well, that’s very different because, in a sense, uh they were so protected that they were just dying to hear all my stories and were just dreaming of freedom really.

Jenni Murray: Now, as you said, your parents are still on the family farm in what is now a very dangerous area. You were there recently and, I think, took your daughter. What was it like for her?

Diana de Gunzburg: It’s so interesting because I wrote and article about that. I don’t know if you saw but it’s so different to when I was her age when it was very carefree and lovely and now, basically, for her it’s very difficult. She feels very uncomfortable in extreme Islamic culture, you know, she lives in Paris, she’s been brought up in Paris. It’s just she doesn’t feel comfortable. She loves the particular place because it is a heavenly place but everything … when you move out of my parents’ place … no; she feels extremely uncomfortable and doesn’t really like it basically.

Jenni Murray: So when you arrive in somewhere like Peshãwar, I think you family farm is, what, three hours out of Peshãwar. Do you have to then don Salwar Kameez and cover your heads? Which for a Parisian daughter must be quite strange.

Diana de Gunzburg: Well, exactly. It was very strange We didn’t particularly … I didn’t put on Salwar Kameez but covering your head, you just feel more comfortable because you’re incognito and you don’t attract as much attention. By the way, there is no obligation to do it and my mother has always refused to do anything and sticks very much to a shirtwaister and I’m not going to do any of that sort of thing so, you know. So there are many ways of doing it. But I was certainly … probably for the first time in years I felt really uncomfortable without covering my head let’s say.

Jenni Murray: And, I mean, in the old days I suppose you would have been able to just drive up through the Khyber Pass and into Afghanistan. What memories do you have of those … because the landscape there is …

Diana de Gunzburg: Spectacular …

Jenni Murray: Incredible, isn’t it?


Diana de Gunzburg: Yes, absolutely. No, it was very carefree, very carefree, and we drove through the Khyber Pass to see cousins in Kabul regularly . I mean this was something I’d done lots and lots of times in the days before there were seatbelts and swirling round corners. I mean it’s such an incredibly different world in such a short time and that’s why I wanted to take my daughter and explain how it was, you know, and for her to witness I mean kind of the end of an era, in a sense.

Jenni Murray: And, your eighty-five-year-old Yorkshire woman mother sounds a pretty doughty character. But what is it like for her to live there now?

Diana de Gunzburg: Well, you know, now she’s quite old in a sense it’s really quite lovely because it’s a very beautiful place and you can potter around the garden and it’s full of roses and birds and she’s got dogs and cats and probably this is, in a way, the nicest time for her. I think when she was younger it was much more frustrating in many ways. But, in a sense, coming to the, you know, becoming older, this is probably the perfect time to enjoy it. And all the help one has and the whole … you know, you can imagine.

Jenni Murray: Diana de Gunzburg, thank you very much for being with us.

Diana de Gunzburg: Thank you.


A study of the language of sport on TV and/or radio

Cricket Commentary - Fri July 16th, Pakistan v Australia

Commentator 1: And it’s North now into Kamran Akmal. Just defends from the crease and it’s North himself who walks across in front of the mid-off and picks up and quickly back to his mark, North. Longing for this fifth wicket to get him onto the honours board, he bowls and Kamran Akmal comes forward and he’s taken on the pad and the ball just trickles away there to Johnson at backward point and there is no run.

Commentator 2: Whatever the theory is, it’s worked.

Commentator 1: Not half. And North is in again, he bowls, that’s short, gives Kamran Akmal a chance to open his shoulders. He made a little bit of room and he’s going to get a gentle run out there to deep cover. And so he goes along to 25 and the total now 253 for 6.

Commentator 2: What the hell’s going on? I mean there was absolute … you could have strolled two then, they’ve only run one um. I mean maybe sort of saying, “Oh well, end of the …” Perhaps he thinks that Mohammad Amir’s not picking Smith and I’ll get down Smith’s end.

Commentator 1: Anyway, North again. Round the wicket. In, bowls to Amir, Amir’s forward and Ponding polices that one, picks it up half way down the wicket and returns it to North. Yes, one feels as if there’s a certain inevitability about this now, going through the motions. But these last four have got to be blasted out. North again, in and Amir shoulders arms, lets the ball go in through there Paine to point and forward short leg. Four men round the bat. And here comes North once more bowls and it uh pushes forward um Amir, gets the edge, everyone shouts, “Catch it.” It’s half stopped there at slip and Clarke goes back and fetches it but it doesn’t go far enough for him to be able to take a run. The end of another over, 253 for 6. Akmal has got 25 and Amir, 8.

Commentator 2: Well the fact that Kamran Akmal set him back there, when the ball got passed Smith … sorry, Clarke had slipped, I think suggests that uh Kamran Akmal wants to be facing Smith as much as possible and keep young uh Mohammad Amir away from the leg spinner, he certainly wasn’t picking uh Smith at all.

Commentator 1: Well, Smith it is now. Starting in again from the Pavilion end. Bowls now to Kamran Akmal outside the off stump. Plays no stroke and then a break turning away from the right-hander and smack it went into Paine’s gloves. You probably heard it. Overs coming thick and fast now with two spinners operating. Here’s Smith again, in bowls to Kamran Akmal, goes back and forces that down towards mid-on. Smith takes some of the way off it and uh it’s picked up there, behind him, by Johnson.


Tennis Commentary - Wimbledon Men’s Singles final 2010

Commentator: Has it been a strangely low-key start from Nadal? We haven’t seen anything explosive from him yet, Michael?

Michael: No, I think he’s trying to find his way with Berdych on this surface and on this court as well. That’s what I said, as well you know, he used to play with Federer all the time, he knows exactly what’s coming. This time it’s a surprise, so … I really like the way Berdych is playing. He’s calm, he’s not trying to go for too much … as uh Nadal serves another ace down the middle. Um and that is … you know, both players seem to have a very good start, it’s a good match up, not any unforced errors so far really. It’s good hitting out there. So Rafael is probably still waiting for the right time to kick it up to gear number six when he needs a break.

Commentator: Well that’s two service games in a row that Nadal has started with aces. And now it’s another strong serve. It comes off the frame and Berdych is in the air … hold it and he does. There’s uh a man in a checked shirt …you know deep mid-wicket I would say and he has claimed that very impressively and is very chuffed with himself, gets a pat on the back from the uh lady he is here with as well and that will earn him some Brownie points for later no doubt.

Chucks the ball back and Nadal at 30-love. Just missing with the first serve … certainly would have impressed Jonathan Ackney uh who we heard from earlier. He’s in the first row of the stand away to our left here who also paid close attention to the hawk eyed challenge of a few moments ago. Down the line goes Nadal, now that is an explosive forehand … Berdych on the defensive and then Nadal tried to kill the point down the middle … Berdych gets it back. Another smash from Nadal, Berdych still in it … down the line goes Berdych … oh, he’s won the point! Nadal low on the forehand, incredible resilience at the back of the court from the underdog and he just kept the point alive and Nadal couldn’t believe the ball kept coming back.

Michael: It was good effort …I mean he…

Umpire: 30-15.

Michael: Berdych picked, basically, the side like where he was coming … like the opposite side he was running to the front side and Nadal hit it to the middle and Berdych reacted very quickly there. Um those are the points that also lift your spirit as well you know it’s like it really helps.

Commentator: It’s the sort of point that makes Nadal believe, not that he didn’t before, that he is in a match. This is a contest. It could be close. Nadal, a very, very strong favourite going into this, with the bookmakers certainly. But uh those of us who watched Tomás Berdych over the years, we know all about his ability. Just waiting, as we say, for him to take that one final step to uh to destiny almost, to a major title … back into the top ten. Well, he’ll be in the top ten whatever happens here today. Forehand from Nadal on the stretch and he lands it short and Berdych will punish him from mid-court. This is brilliant play from the world number thirteen and he knows that when he gets those short balls, he’s gotta take his opportunity like he did there with the forehand.


A study of the presentation of food and cookery

Hairy Bikers Cookbook Series 1&2

Si: We’re not interested in the heads. Just pull it apart, really, really simply, nice and gently, and then you have a lovely tail. To cut them in half, really easy, turn them around, look at that. Give it a right good go, split it in half. Now, what you do need to take out is this bit, its last meal, the alimentary canal. Get that out, we don’t want to eat what that’s eaten. And then stick it in the pot. How simple is that? Five minutes, no more, eat it. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.

Dave: To go with the crays I’ve got three dips. Um all fairly traditional, but I don’t want to do anything too freaky, such a good taste and we’ve got these brilliant little poike pots, sort of miniature ones. First one, I’m gonna do a garlic butter. That’s simply gonna be garlic, peppercorns and a big knob of butter. Put that on the fire, just let that moulder whilst the crays are cooking. Second one; it’s a lemon butter. I’ve got lemon zest, lemon thyme, lemon juice and again, a nice big hunk of butter. Lot of people don’t like butter and personally it’s quite nice to have a bit of each. I want something a bit sharper so I’ve kind of done an oriental dipping sauce. Again, it’s quite simple; it’s soy sauce and in my pestle and mortar I’ve ground up some chillies, some ginger, bit of lemon juice, mix it together, chilli garnish and then I’ve got kind of quite a chilli vibrant, very clean tasting sauce which, if you add a bit of both, you cut through the butter, it’s something for everybody.

Si: Right mate.

Dave: Gonna dress me, umm, dress me rice.

Si: I think they may be done.

Dave: Bloody … oh, they’re beaut … brilliant.

Si: They look good, don’t they?

Dave: Beautiful.

Si: They look good.

Dave: To dress me rice, a bit of vinegar. Presentation … remember Delia? I do, often.

Si: I know, you’ve got a bit of a thing though you, haven’t you?

Dave: I know, she’s got that newly found fire in her belly.

Si: Has she?

Dave: Oh, aye.

Si: Steady.

Dave: Right, that’s me Swakopmund asparagus rice with the butter and vinegar flourish.


Si: Heh, heh. Butter and vinegar flourish! Give over man, will you? How brilliant. Are we ready?

Dave: Spot on.


Ultimate Delia

Delia Smith:

Well now we’re going to have a look at preparing batter for Yorkshire pudding and over here, in my bowl, I’ve got six ounces of flour. And the flour has got to be sifted into a nice, large roomy bowl and lift the sieve up high. I’ve said it before but I keep saying it, in case anybody didn’t see the other programmes, and that’s … when you’re using flour, it’s packed in the supermarket into a bag and it needs a good airing if you want air in the Yorkshire pudding. Now when you’ve sifted your flour, add some salt and I think for Yorkshire pudding it’s quite nice to have some pepper in there as well and then make a little well in the centre of the flour and add two eggs.

By the way I hope I did say plain flour because it has to be plain flour. And I’ve got a confession to make to you that the other day I grabbed the nearest bag of flour out of the larder, made a Yorkshire pudding with self-raising flour and it was quite a sight to see, it was absolutely flat as a pancake and we all had to have little squares with our Sunday lunch, so you see it happens to me too.

Now we’re going to go in there with a whisk and start to whisk the eggs into the flour. What happens is, as you leave the whisk running, just move it around slightly, you’ll find the flour begins to be incorporated into the eggs. And then there comes a stage when it gets a bit thick like this. So switch off and then we’re going to see to the liquid. And the liquid for a Yorkshire pudding with 2 eggs and 6 oz of flour is actually 6 fluid oz milk and 4 fl oz of water so you’ve got half a pint of liquid there altogether and now the next stage is to gradually incorporate into the rest so we’ll switch on again and because I need both hands I’m just going to switch off a minute and put a cloth underneath the bowl there because that’ll steady it so that I’ve got both hands free.

You don’t have to worry about lumps because the whisk will take care of all the flour and disperse it into the liquid. Just keep going, adding a bit more and a bit more. It can all go in now, at the end. And then just give it a good whisk and then, if you want to, if you want to you can make it well in advance in your scheme for the morning. Or you can make it at the last minute. I have tried it … I mean, there used to be old-fashioned cooks who used to say you had to make your batter in advance and let it stand. But I’ve made it both ways and I really honestly can’t see any difference. So what I’ll do with that now is just leave it aside and then that’s my Yorkshire pudding batter all ready to go into the tin later on.


Fanny Craddock Cooks for Christmas – Petit Fours

Fanny Craddock:

And the first thing I want to do is make choux paste with you to show you how incredibly easy it is. I’ve got here, in this saucepan, two ounces of butter, four and a half fluid ounces of water... turn the heat down a little and shoot two and a half ounces of sifted, self raising flour onto this. Then I turn the heat up again for a second until the mixture seethes ah seethes over the top. Can you see the seethe? Now, as soon as you’ve got that to a smooth paste, like a roux, you know that one of old, the flour and water paste, which leaves the bottom and sides of the pan clear, you discard the spoon if you’re clever, break in one of your two eggs, and while this is going fast I won’t talk, you’ll see what happens. Now, you have to go on beating, past the globule stage, until the mixture smoothes. Now there’s the globule stage which you can see for yourself I think, nasty little lumps, and I go on working at full speed because it’s so nice and quick, until I get this really smooth paste. Now, the mixture is made, except for that being scraped off, but in point of fact it’s by no means ready for cooking because the most important point comes last. The really vital point.

You see, many years ago, I got myself into the most terrible state of fury because I read in a women’s magazine a perfectly correct recipe for making choux paste and a perfectly correct description of how you piped the various items out. And then when it was baked correctly and taken out of the oven, I nearly had kittens because the instructions said, “And then split the buns open, whatever shape they are, and with the handle of a teaspoon scoop all the surplus goo from the middle.” Well, of course, as you and I know, there shouldn’t be any goo and there’s only one trick that ensures you will never have any goo in the middle. My face is going to be very red in a minute because in here are buns, I’m going to take them out and show them to you cooked and we’re going to open them and there won’t be, if you leave the choux paste to get absolutely cold before you pipe it out, that’s what we’re going to do next.

Now, in here, I’ve got some of my cold choux paste mixture, in this icing bag with a half inch writing pipe and you use it like this. You get the mixture down, twist the end of your bag so it doesn’t come running up again into your hand and have a knife dipped in cold water. And then you put the pipe just onto the tray, pull out to the length you want, allowing for expansion, and then lop it off with the knife. If there’s any little peaks showing, take the knife to it. If there’s a little air bubble, smooth it off with a knife dipped in cold water and get a perfect éclair at the end. So simple when you know how.


Jamie at Home, Series 2, Summer Recipes

Posh beans on toast

Jamie Oliver:

You can’t make this when you’ve got frozen peas or broad beans. Wait until that exciting point in time when you’ve got the fresh down the market or you’re growing it. I’ve got normal peas here that I’m sort of shucking. You can put some in there. This is like a mange tout family and, actually, if you open it up, you can eat everything but I just want the peas. And I’ve got this purple version, which you can eat, right, as a mange tout but now you have as peas. The whole idea of this is smashing up beans and peas. Now we’ve got the broad beans, broad beans are really interesting. Everyone thinks you have to peel broad beans. You absolutely do not have to peel broad beans at this size. You can see they’re really, really green, they’re delicious. Don’t ever bother peeling them. But when you get big old fellows like this, then you crack them open, yes, they’re white and then all of a sudden the skins become a little bit more sort of tannic, that means sort of dry on your tongue and they’re not such a pleasure to eat. So you can just peel them like that or pop them in boiling water and peel ‘em.

Now, for this dish I’m going to use a pestle and mortar. Equal quantities of peas and broad beans, a little handful per person, and to go with this is, like, pea and broad bean’s best friend, mint. So just, like, five, six sort of mint leaves per person and literally all I’m gonna do is bash it up. Busting and breaking all the skins and the mint, totally raw, so nutritionally happy days. But the great thing about a pestle and mortar is you just bruise the hell out of everything and you get that flavour, well the best flavour out of everything really.

Now when you’ve got it like a sort of mush, sort of like that, what I want to do is turn this into something really gorgeous and spreadable. So I’ve got some nice olive oil, you know, about sort of three tablespoons per person. I need a cheese, right, you could use Parmesan. I’m going to use pecorino and this is quite an important bit here cause you’ve got kind of like these peas and these broad beans which are kind of sweet but, I don’t know, they’re kind of raw, they’ve got that sort of raw sort of acidity that’s going on and you need the olive oil and the parmesan, mix with the mint and the peas and the broad beans that just make, like, a harmony that you’ve just got to scream about. And then put this back; mix this up and then what I wanna do … lemon. Just squeeze it in, literally, like, you know, sort of a teaspoon of lemon juice. Mix it in and then we’re gonna have a little taste. Right, look at that colour, absolutely green. Right, bit more pecorino. You’ve really got to kind of like keep tasting it, almost like a salad dressing. You’ve got to have that sort of zing of the lemon, sort of richness of the sort of the cheese and the oil to work with the peas and broad beans. So that should be good.

Once you got that, I mean look at that colour, it’s fantastic. That lobbed over a grilled bit of, like, white fish some roasted whole fish. That tossed in with some tagliatelle; do you know what I mean? That is like dynamite stuff. And I’ve got some toast here that I grilled on a griddle pan and it’s still quite warm. If you want, you can get a bit of garlic and you can kind of do sort of like the Italian crostini thing and literally all I want to do is give it four little wipes … two, three, four. And sort of when that raw garlic hits the hot toast, you’d be amazed. It becomes sort of like beefy and sort of meaty. And then all I have to do is get a nice bit lob of this beautiful sort of paste, put it onto the toast and smear it and don’t be sort of mean about it as well. You could have that; you could just have that as a crostini and eat it.

Right, but if you want to sort of take it up a notch and sort of turn it into a beautiful snack, right, a lovely ball of mozzarella. Just sort of tear that in half and then tear that again and literally put that across the crostini and it will kind of fall off one side and then you can get a little bit more of that green paste and just sort of put it over the top, like that. And then all I’ve got to do is get some sort of salad leaves. Now, salad leaves are interesting, of course you can use rocket and basil and you


know I’m using mint as well because that’s delicious, but the other thing is that like pea shoots, pea … the things here, right? These are brilliant. We buy these in the restaurant; we pay a fortune for these. They’re very, very beautiful because these bits here are the bits that sort of cling around the fences and the poles and the nets and all that sort of stuff. And you know it’s all organic, so it’s not like it’s sprayed with anything dodgy so I’m not even going to wash it. And they’re delicious, they’re sort of sweet, they’re crunchy and they look beautiful. And I’m gonna crack some raw peas in here as well. Raw peas in salad are a total, total luxury and just make everything look and taste fantastic. The smaller broad beans can go in there as well and that’s only got to be dressed with a little bit of olive oil, a tiny squeeze of lemon and just a little bit of salt. So give that a toss with the olive oil, lemon juice, salt and pepper. And then dunk that right on the top. Always at the bottom you get all the peas and you can just literally … and just lovely, fine delicate bit of Parmesan, pecorino on top and a nice finish of oil. Lovely, look at that. Beautiful.


Jamie at Home, Series 2, Summer Recipes

Curried cauliflower fritters

Jamie Oliver:

Right. Look at these beautiful cauliflowers. Right, let’s just chop this mamma in half. So, get this cauliflower and just take like a little slice off of it like that. And then break this down into florets, like that. Beautiful. So we’ve got that. As far as the green one’s concerned, it’s exactly the same. Cut it into quarters by putting your knife into the stalk like that and then you can crack and bust it open. Just like that. That’s a good start and then with this batter … bowl. Two hundred grams of self-raising flour, a little bit here over everything. So that’s good. That’s a good start. In here, bottle of beer, so about three quarters of this bottle. You want it to be a thickish batter, you know, when I say that, you put your thumb in it, it sticks to it, yeah? So if it’s the right sort of thickness, it’ll be like partially whipped double cream. So the batter’s a nice consistency and then literally all you do is pick up pieces of cauliflower and curly kale leaf. I’ve got some leaves of the kohlrabi there but I wanna, I wanna spice the batter.

So just bash up some mustard seeds, let’s say about two teaspoons. And then, to spice it, cumin. You want about a teaspoon of cumin, a really good pinch of black pepper and a good pinch of salt and then two or three nice dried chillies cause chilli and cauliflower are really, really good friends. So break that up in there. And the idea is to sort of crack ‘em up and stir ‘em in that batter and as soon as those spices hit the hot oil, you’re gonna get that fantastic perfume. That’s pretty much it. So you just sprinkle it in. Turmeric’s really nice because it’s got quite a spicy flavour but it’s quite mild but the colour’s pretty mad. And just mix it quite crudely by hand. Mix it up, mix it up and look at that. So you get your bigger pieces of cauliflower straight in, straight in there. Be quite quick. Always dip away from you and plop away from you. Wipe my hands. Japanese use chopsticks which is a bit cleaner. In Essex we use ‘ands. There you go. Can you see the colours? Look at that. Absolutely fantastic. Also I’ve got some curly kale here, a little bit of parsley. Only takes seconds to deep fry so if we push this around a bit, we can actually put cabbage leaf straight in. And if you’ve got friends coming round, just do little batches. They will love it.

When you serve a batter, you wanna get some kitchen paper to get rid of that excess and let’s get it out. Look at those colours. Absolutely beautiful. Drain away as much oil as you can, straight onto the kitchen paper and the only thing about keeping batter crispy in any way, shape or form, is by serving it straight away and eating it straight away. But, you know, you’ve got to eat it quickly. So finish it with sea salt and literally build it up … a bit of the green in and around. And that is a beautiful, beautiful little snack. Great colours. Something a bit different. All your mates will love it, I’ve never met anyone that doesn’t go mad about this just because it’s quite an unusual way, but delicious way, to eat your cauliflower.


Rick Stein’s French Odyssey

Rick Stein:

You know, one of the things about coming on a trip like this is you can read all the cookery books you like, get really boned up on French recipes but then you come up on a barge and there’s Bernard who does all the cooking here, just cooking a very, very simple dish like this eel which we had the other night.

And this is just so straightforward. Well first of all what you do is you take the eels and just slice them into about two inch pieces and then you just dust them in flour. Now this is Bernard’s recipe, I’ve followed it exactly as he said and it’s turned out exactly as he cooked it. Before you start frying eel, make your persillade. Now, persillade is just finely chopped parsley and garlic. So you get the garlic, chop it up a little bit first, then a big bunch of parsley, chop that up, mix the two together and then chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, until it’s all nice and fine. Now that’s ready.

And now to cook the eel. You take a big frying pan and just put a little bit of vegetable oil in, sunflower oil will be fine. Now, don’t cook it too hard, just put the eel on one side, bring the temperature up to about medium and cook gently for about two to three minutes on that side. Turn the eels over and do precisely the same on the other. Now while that is cooking, if you like, you can just do your persillade and butter sauce.

Take a second frying pan, put a knob of butter, one to two ounces, in the pan, let it melt and then throw in all your persillade. Now, don’t overheat it, you just want to melt the butter and gently cook the garlic to take that raw taste off. Let that cook very gently and now your eels are done.

Now this is a nice thing that Bernard does. He’s got the two pans, he just empties all the eel into the persillade pan, shakes it all about and then puts everything back into the eel pan so everything’s nicely coated with that lovely, now, garlic butter. And then just empty that out onto a serving plate. And I like a bit slice of lemon with that, just to squeeze over the top.


Acknowledgements

The following titles are courtesy of the BBC:

Fanny Craddock Cooks for Christmas – Petits Fours, BBC 4

Rick Stein’s French Odyssey, BBC Worldwide ltd, 5014503234324

Ultimate Delia, BBC Worldwide ltd 2004, 5014503124724

Hairy Bikers Cookbook series 1&2, Big Bear Films/ Vixpix films 2006 – co-production for BBC, 5014503213923

The Best of the Two Ronnies, BBC Worldwide ltd 2001, 5014503108823

Jenni Murray Women’s Hour 28.5.2010, BBC Archive, http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00sfhs6#p0082y25

Parkinson interviews, BBC worldwide

Paxman – Galloway interview, BBC

Cricket and tennis commentary, BBC

Courtesy of Sony Entertainment:

By the People: The Election of Barack Obama, Sony Entertainment / Pivotal Pictures LLC 2009, 5035822651135

Courtesy of Eddie Izzard & Ella Communications Ltd:

Eddie Izzard: All clips from “7” (box set) ‘Stripped’ & ‘Dress to kill’, Ella Communications Ltd, 5050582742565

Courtesy of Jamie Oliver & Fresh One Productions:

Jamie Oliver, The Naked Chef (first series), 044007807620

Jamie at Home (series 2), summer recipes, 5030697013965

Courtesy of Ronnie Corbett & Universal:

Ronnie Corbett Live, Universal Studios, A Universal Pictures UK Ltd Production 2004, 5050582297768

FS 27093

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