"nothin this good ever happened to me before" - on werner erhard's est training in prisons

8/7/2019 "Nothin This Good Ever Happened To Me Before" - On Werner Erhard's est training in prisons

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The est Standard Training at San Quentin Prison

IINothin' This GoodEver Happenedto Me Before!"


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As we approached, the prison loomed larger andmore formidable. The thought of going in and never

getting out flashed hard across my mind.

The training recen tly condu cted at San Qu en -tin State Pri son was clearly a dir ect result of th egraduates' lov e, support, and participation and ofthe San Qu entin trainees' willingness to confronttheir own lives .I assisted at th e training and wou ld like toshare my experience of it with you .Gary Clarke - es t Staff

The PrisonSan Quentin , across the Golden GateBridge an d 10 minutes north, looks likean old high-walled fortress standing sentry on a strategically located knoll overlooking San Francisco Bay. Miles beyond,clear and sharp, is the city, its close-knitnetwork of buildings rising cleanly intoSan Francisco's unIque skyline, the familiar Bay Bridge stretching to Oakland,an d sailboats, hundreds of them, dottingthe large expanse of water between therean d San Quentin Prison.

It was my first visit an d I wa s nervous, apprehensive. As we approachedthe gate, I suddenly had to go to thebathroom.This wa s to be the first est training inSan Quentin, and was conducted as partof est's public service activities. It ha dcome about through the support of government officials in Sacramento, members of th e California Department ofCorrections an d administrators of theFederal Prison at Lompoc where tw o es ttrainings have been successfully conducted. Now it was happening at Sa nQuentin, one of the highest security prisons in California, and I was to be a partof it. Mixed emotions? Absolutely!The prison was truly fortress-like,with its faded yellow walls curving an ddisappearing around the tip of the knoll.A lighthouse-type guard tower beyondthe second gate guarded the main entrance into the yards. As we approached,the prison loomed larger an d more formidable . The thought of going in an dnever getting out flashed hard acrossmy mind .We were machine-scanned for anything metal (even cigarette package foilis detected), cleared an d le t "inside ."Bleak, sparse walls an d grounds .Buildings rising behind buildings risingbehind bungalows. The main wall, foras far as we could see, ha d large coils ofbarbed wire attached to its top. Abovethat - a catwalk and manned guardtower. We passed some cons*. Closed,yet curious , wondering .*"Cons" is the accepted term used by inmatesand guards when referring to prisoners.

The RoomDefinitely a challenge. The prison wasbuilt in 1852 an d this could very wellhave been the first building or at leastthe second . A large hangar-type structure with a forty foot ceiling. Heavycrank-open windows on each of the sidewalls. On th e front wall, a large stage,curtained-front and open sides. On theback wall, the scullery: a long , low,fenced-in area where dishes are washed,facilitating the kitchen in the adjoiningbuilding. It reminded me of a dog-run .Perched on top of that wa s a small,make-shift projection booth . The roomwa s half-filfed with a hundred or morelong, heavy lunch tables with attachedbenches, enough to seat 600 to 800 convicts with plenty of room left over. Fastened to tIle ceiling, directly overhead,was another catwalk an d guard station.We partitioned off a section of theroom with folding screens, laid carpetand se t up chairs, tables an d the pTatform. When we were finished the areawas ready for the next day and lookedpretty damn good. As one graduate saidlater at graduation:

"I t looks like a little island of consciousness ."We left feeling pretty sati sfied withwhat we'd accomplished.

The TrainingTuesday Day 1We arrived at 7:00 AM and met in the pr ison coffee shop (bacon an d eggs: 90)across the street from the main entrance .There were eight of us. Ted Long wasgoing to do the training with StewartEsposito assisting him by conductingsome of the processes . Joe Roza wa s theTraining Supervisor an d David Norris,est staff member, was liaison betweenest an d the San Quentin Administration.The scheduled start time wa s 8:30AM. By the time we signed in , weresearched, had the backs of ou r handsstamped with "black-lite" sensitive inkan d finished some last minute room setup; it was 9:00 AM before we were evenaole to open the doors .The trainees,black, white,Chicano,Indian, Oriental, were let into the roomwhere they gave their na mes an d numbers to three members of the SpecialSecurity Force (or "Goon Squad" , asthey liked to be called) who carefullyrecorded it all . Th e cons seemed almostnonchalant as they picked up their

nametags and gave the room the onceover. I found it amazing the way theycould take it all in an d still appear detached. Some seemed excited bu t mostjust sauntered by as if to let me knowthat they were going to do it their way.So , of course , it wa s I who had the firstconfront of the training.Burt* (30 , in for life) took a chair fromthe logistics table at the back of the room.Gary: "Where'd you get that chair?"Burt: "Back there."Gary: "What's it for?"Burt: "To sit on."Gary: "Are there any chairs up front?"Burt: "I want this one ."Gary: "Okay, what I' d like you to do ispu t that chair back an d sit in one of thechairs already se t up ."Burt: "Yeah. Well, I want this chair."

Burt started to walk off with it an dI moved in front of him. He wasn ' tpleased.Gary: "I know you want that chair, Burt,and what I'd like you to do is pu t it backan d take on e that's already se t up."Burt's ears were beginning to smoke.Burt: "I want this chair, Gary, an d ... "

Joe Roza - huge, imposing Jo eRoza-walked up .Joe: "What's the problem?"Gary: " I . . . ah . . ." (I'm always glib in acrisis.)Burt: "I want this chair an d this gentle-man says pu t it back an d sit ..."Joe: "Take it."Burt: "Huh?"Gary: "Huh?"Joe: "Take it ."

Burt took it an d sat in it . Joe reminded me that the ground rules hadn'tbeen read yet an d agreements hadn'tbeen established. In retrospect that wasvery clear. But standing there, thinkingBurt was going to tie my nose in a knot,it wasn't so clear.Their job complete , th e "GoonSquad" left the room, closed the heavysteel door an d locked us in. It was theonly way ou t an d my thoughts raced tostories I'd heard about riots that hadtaken place in that very room an d of the"Hostage Policy" that states if you'retaken hostage, the prison makes no dealsfor your reTease . High up on the wallswere forks, dinner forks, dozens ofthem, deeply imbedded in the acoustictiles, remnants of skilled target practice.

It was 9:15 AM . Everyone was seatedan d the training began.

*All trainees' names have been disguised.


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III'd like to find out why I keepputtin' myself back in here!"

Stewart read the ground rules for30 minutes to the usual amount of resistance. Some items Stewart didn't dwellon. "Rides and Places to Stay," for example , went very quickly .Ted took th e platform an d hostilityshowed up in a hurry as his role as trainerwas tested with every question. Personalities an d positions manifested earlyon as various trainees stood an d challenged Ted with their anger, skepticism,indifference, wisecracks an d more.Eight San Quentin staff membersparticipated in the training. Two psychiatrists, three counselors , a psychologist,a teacher an d a student intern. Donna(28, family counselor) was the onlywoman in the training.About noon, Burt, my friend withthe chair, insisted on talking withoutraising his hand and wa s adamant aboutit. Ted reminded him of the agreementsand that one of them was raIsing yourhand if you wanted to talk. Burt wouldn'tdo that so Ted invited him to eitherkeep the agreements or leave th e training. He seemed a bit surprised at thesimplicity of the choice, thought a moment an d left . At this point th e traineesbegan to get that it made no difference toTed if they took the training or not. (Iwas told later that about here some ofthe cons realized that this wasn't theirusual, run-of-the-mill, "do -gooder"program.) The questions began to takeon a little more "meat" as th e personalities continued to emerge:Lazrus (31, tall an d well muscled . Almostalways wore sunglasses. 10 years):

San Quentin State Prison as seen from a nearby hill.

"Seems like what you want us todo is lay down and le t 'em keepknockin' ou r heads ."Warren (38, average build. Broken ou t ofmany prisons; taken hostages. Life-noparole):"I'd like to find ou t wh y I keepputtin' myself back in here."B.J. (25, 5 ' 10", muscular. Always woresunglasses. Life):" I only came to this thing to seewhat you ha d to say."Chuy (25 , 5' 9" an d wiry . Still limpingfrom bullet wounds in his legs . Life):'I f your life 's so good, ho w comeyou got gray hair?"

Cletus (40, small an d wiry . Feisty , like abantam rooster. 15 years):"Don't keep tell in' me what to do!"Leon (33, tall, wiry , muscular. Alwayswore sunglasses. Life):"This sounds like more of that COPology* shit!"Other factors contributed to th espace of th e training . Three times a day ,after each prison "feeding," the scullerydishwashers were manned an d operated. Large tarpaulins covered the areaan d, while no on e could see in , th e rattlean d clatter of pots and pans camethrough loud an d clear. Periodically ,the near-deafening "w hoosh" of highpressure steam hoses (used to scour the

*COP-ology is the term cons use when theythink the prison planners are trying toteach them somethmR that the cops want touse to make them behave.

harder-to-clean kettles) would intrudeinto the room through the windows behind Ted. Outside the windows on theopposite wall was the recreation yard,loudly occupied most of the day . An dthen the "Goon Squad" would come inthree times a day to take a body count,regardless of where Te d was in th etraining.For the rest of th e day, th e trainingwa s a roller-coaster, hitting both extremes often. An d Ted kept putting itou t there. Relentlessly . Pressmg. Constantly pressing. Jumping off the stageinto th e midst of the hostility for a noseto-nose confront with Lazrus, or Crown,

or B. J., or Freddie-anyone-and totallywilling to have whatever might happen,happen .The day ended an d we ' d all movedthrough a lot. Trainer, trainees an d logistics team . For sure I had. I was uncomfortable, drained, afraid and diligentlylooking for a reason, any reason not tocome back. Who the hell needed it?! Th enoise wa s intolerable. I wa s sure th e

cons didn't want it! And I was just assure that no one cared if they " ~ o t it"even if they did want it. So what s it allfor?! Just then I peeked up ou t of mymind an d saw Gil (47, life) going oversome of the "wake-up" process instructions with Stewart. Chuy and Beto (35,life) walked by, deeply involved in a discussion about "i t 1:ieing the way it is. "Then I remembered Werner dropping inearlier that evening an d talking to th etrainees an d being absolutely willing tohave that training be any way it was . Ah,


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Ted allowed no guards in the room.None on the catwalk and none listening .In.

what the hell! Th e last thing I needed inmy life was another incompletion. I wa scoming back. An d it wa s funny. As soonas I got I wa s coming back, I wa s excitedagain.Wednesday Day 2We had to wait to get into the prison an dthe training didn't start unti[ 8:45 AM,fifteen minutes late. Stewart opened byinviting th e trainees to share about theirhomework processes. Hands shot up allover the place:

"I woke up at 5:30 an d my bodywoke up, too .""I woke up at 6:00 an d I programme d myself not to get tired 'tilf midnite .""I se t my alarm for 6:00 an d I wokeup at 5:00. What happened?""You woke up at 5:00, sucker, that'swhat happened."They were all having fun with it. Allexcept B.J. He had his hand up for awhile then pu t it down . A moment laterStewart calIed on him.

Stewart: "B.J., did you have a question?"No answer.Stewart: "B.J . You ha d your hand up.Did you have a question?"B.J. just sat. Openly defiant.Stewart (Moving down into the aisle):"I a s ~ ; d if you had"a question."B.J.: Never mmd.Stewart: "Did yo u have a question?"B.J . : "Forget it."Stewart: "The agreement is to stand upwhen yo u talk. Stand up ."B.J. looked around at his friends, his expression seeming to say, "Can yo u be-lieve this guy?" B.J. stood. .B.J.: "I said forget it."Stewart: "The question was, did yo uhave a question?"B.J.: "I forgot. "Stewart: "Did yo u have a question?"B.J. shot another incredulous look at hisfriends . There was a hint of threat in hisresponse.B.J.: "I changed my mind , ma n , so justleave it be."Stewart: "Did you have a question?"B.J. can't believe it.B.J.: "Yeah! I ha d a question! I told . . ."Stewart: "Good. Thank you."B.J. sat down, still not believing it.Stewart: "What's the upset?"B.J. (Surprised. Thought it wa s over.):"What?"

Stewart: "What ar e you pissed offabout?"B.J.: "Oh, man! I told yo u . . ."Stewart: "Stand up."B.J. looked hard at Stewart then slowly,deliberately, got to his feet.B.J.: "All right, man! Enou9,h of thischicken-shit game. Why do n t yo u justgo on with the training?"Stewart: "This is the training, B.J. Whatare you pissed off about?"B. J.: "If I was pissed off, you'd be thefirst one to know it. "B.J. sa t down.Stewart: "Stand up."B.J. (Sitting): "Back off, man! You're liable to get FlUrt!"Stewart: "Stand up or get your ass ou t ofthe training!"B.J. was beginning to fume. He stood.B.J.: "Look! I don't . . . "Stewart: "The question was, what areyou pissed off about?"B.J.: "I ain't pissed! So fuck off!"Stewart: "You're full of shit, B.J. Andyou're a fuckin' liar!"B.J.: ' 'I'd like to have yo u say that to meoutside, jack!"They were standing almost nose-to-nose .Stewart: "Exactly! You're standingthere, ready to rip my head off and telling me you're not pissed off. You can'tten the truth so that makes you a liar!You're a liar, B.J.! Ge t it!"B.J.: "Look, mother-fucker! Ge t off mycase! Ge t back up on that staRe an d doyour mother-fuckin' training! 'Stewart: "We're doing the training, B.J.Your training. This is the fart where B.J.gets ~ , e ' s .a ,liar a ! 1 ~ full 0 s ~ i t ! " B.J.: I am t tellm yo u . . .Stewart: "Are yo u pissed off?"B.J.: "Bet your ass I'm pissed oW"Stewart: ' An d are yo u pissed off because I didn't call on you when you hadyour hand up?"B.J.: "Yeah, I'm pissed off 'cause youdidn't call on me when . . . "Stewart: "That's the truth! Congratulations, B.J. Thank you."B.J. sat down. The room lightened up.An d on it went.

The GuardsThere are two types of guards at Quentin. On e mans the guard towers an d entrances, carefully checking wh o comesand goes . The other is referred to as Special Security or "Goon Sguad." Thisgroup wears khaki jump-sUlts an d para-

trooper boots and is trained to deal withany insurgence or rioting. Should anyoccur, the "guards" are to stay out of itan d call the "Goon Squad" immediately.The "Goon Squad" keeps th e peace an dthe cons know they'll do anything that'snecessary to keep it.Ted allowed no guards in the room.None on th e catwalk an d none listeningin. It was further agreed that when itcame time for the mandatory body count


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UWhat the man is tellin' you is thatyou don't need to get your head knocked doin' what

you're gonna end up doin' anyway!"

the guards would allow Ted (or Stewart)enough time to prepare the room. Thatarrangement worked perfectly.The verbal jousting for the rest ofthe second day was loud, barbed an dvaried. Lazrus' fury ha d subsided forthe most part, but B.J. wa s still goingstrong. Orin (25 , 10 years) had uncoveredsome childhood fear. Carver (42, life)questioned the value of telling someonethe truth if it hurt them. Girard (30, 10

years) shared how mad he was at Tedand watched his anger disappear in thecommunication.During another set-to with Lazrus ,Ted pressed him to get that "owningthings the way they are is having yourlife work." In the midst of th e exchange,Jarvis (36, 6' 3", cool, ou t in 28 days)raised his hand. Ted called on him .Jarvis: "Say, Ted. D'you mind if I saysomethin' to my brother, there?"Ted said okay an d Jarvis pu t it in the language of th e yard.Jarvis: "What the ma n is tellin' yo u isthat you don't need to s;et your headknocked doin' what yo u re gonna en dup doin' anyway. See , I got no hasslewith the Goons, know what I mean? Imean I know if they want me to movedown the way a piece, sooner or later,on e way or the other, they gonna haveme down the way a piece. No w I caneither move down there on my ow n oren d up down there with a lump up -sidemy head . So when I spot the Goonsmovin' in, I ask how far down the waythey want me to move, an d man, that'swhere I move. See? I win. The Goonsknow there ain't no fun roustin' me. Sothey go lookin' for on e of you assholes tobeat on."Lazrus got it. Others did too. An d thetraining went on.The Danger Process put cracks in alot of acts. Even the tough ones with allthe layers. An d seeping out through thecracks, a drop at a time, were sadness,fear, grief, an d mo re of the stuff they'dsuppressed for who knows how long.It was a life an d death struggle for some.B.J. with his "tough guy" number; Carver still battling with his religious con victions; Mandrake (25, life) afraid notto stand at attention; Bear (40, life) thepermanent hardness on his face beginning to melt; an d on an d on an d on tillthe day ended.When th e "Goons" opened th edoor to take the cons back to their cellblocks, it was clear to me that things weredifferent. The cons were all , to varyingdegrees, taking a look at their lives froma ne w point of view . Some of what theysaw they liked, a lot they didn't . We'dstarted with 94 trainees; there were no w71 an d I ha d no idea if any were going toshow up on th e following Tuesday.Well, we'd know in six days.Tuesday Day 3The day was bright, clear an d alreadywarm. Ted was high as a kite as we dis-

cussed the coming day over breakfast.In fact, we were all rarin' to go. We evenhad tw o extra logistics people, LloydFickett an d David Fisher, wh o were going to handle microphones (we hadn'tha d mikes th e first two days).Once again we weren't admitteduntil after 8:00 AM an d the training bega n at 8:45 . Fifteen minutes late . Thecons looked to be in good shape. Stewartcommented to me ho w mudi their facesha d "opened up" and it wa s validatedin their sharing:Peter (28, life): "I like me a little better."Lenny (25, 6 years): "Now I know whatmy wife meant when she said marriagewa s a heavy commitment."Dean (31, life): "I remembered mydreams. I never did that before."Jackson (28, 10 years): "I was upset withwhat yo u said about my mama dyin ',so I asked myself how come. Then I seenthey wa s only words. An d I don't needto get upset over words. 'Specially yourwords. Your words is your problem."Wesley (24, 3 years) : "My life' s better.It's just like the one I ha d yesterday bu ttoday it's better. An d it's better 'causethat's the wa y I want it ."

In a discussion about fear and theDanger Process , B.J. told Ted that hehadn't been afraid. Ted said fine an dasked B.J. to take another look. B.J .wouldn't look, Ted pressed him an d thediscussion turned immediately into aheated confrontation. The more Tedpressed, the more resistant B.J. became.The more resistant he became the morehe refused to stand or use the mikewhen he talked . The situation went immediately to th e basic, fundamentalagreements of the training which B.J.refused to keep. Again Ted made thechoice a simple one:"Either keep the agreements or getthe fuck out!"

It looked like a hard , hard moment forB.J. He wa s furious. He had no one' sagreement an d it was clear to me that noone in that room cared if he stayed or left.Someone said:"D o somethin' , man. I wanna geton with this thing."

B.J. ha d himself in a box and it was difficult for him to keep it all together. Heshot a scathing look at Ted, another tothe room an d walked out. The sharingcontinued:Girard: "Y'know? It doesn't matter whatI believe. It's always gonna be just theway it is."Leon: "I ain't sayin' I go along with what


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liMy life's better. It's just like the one I hadyesterday but today it's better. And it's better'cause

that's the way I want it."

They won't know what you're doinganyway."They seemed to like that idea. The"Goons" were let in and this wa s thepicture: Sixty-one trainees, most ofthem "hardened" criminals, standingin the middle of that huge room, eyesclosed, grinning broadly (some evengiggling), holding various daisy-climbing positions, while three unsuspectingmembers of the "Goon Squad" walkedamong them and counted. Leroy, eyesclosed an d "basking in the sun," calledfrom across the room:"Don't forget me. I'm up here onmy leaf."It was definitely the fastest count the"Goon Squad" ever took.

Wednesday Day 4I was sitting with Ted while the traineeswere coming into the room. Cletusstopped by the table.Cletus: ' ' 'Mornin', Ted. Go t a minute?"Ted: "Sure, Cletus. What is it?"Cletus: "Gatta tell you what happenedthis mornin' ."Ted: "Okay."Cletus: "Remember me talkin' aboutthem guards that wa s always hasslin'me in my shop?"Ted: "Yes."Cletus: "Well, I did what you said an d itworked."Ted: "What worked?"Cletus: "Well, they came in to checkthings out, like they always do, an' thatalways used to piss me off. So I got tothinkin: 'bout what yo u said, 'bout dig?,in' things the way they are. So I says,'Mornin', boys. How ya doin'? Ho w'bout a cuppa coffee? Just made it fresh .'Well, that put 'em in shock right there.They were seein' the ne w Cletus an ddidn't know if they should shit or goblind. On e said somethin' 'bout bein'late for somewhere, the other one said,'Oh, yeah. That's right.' an' they split.But they was different splittin' than tneywas comin' in, know what I mean? Imean I know the next time they come in,we gonna rap together over coffee."

8:30 AM. The training started ontime.The space of the training was safean d the cons were beginning to know it.An d that's ho w they shared themselves.Leroy: "I been gain' around not likin''Q'. Know what? 'Q ' don't give a shitif I like it or not!"Lazrus: "I always thought it wa s healthy

to worry. Like worryin' might keep yo uout the wa y of a bullet. I don't need toworry. I just need to keep ou t the way."William: "I spent a lot of time wantingwhat I didn't have an d no t likin' what Idid have. That's stupid! I f I'd start likin'what I got I'd be in great shape."I saw B.J. actually laugh at himself whenTed pointed out his perpetual preoccupation with sex.All the usual stuff wa s there. Pain,confusion (Carver left), resistance, upset, unconsciousness, etc. And theystayed with it. Somebody would no d offa bit, wake up and be right back in it.

The room, or more accurately thespace an d the people, was transformingnght there in front of me. There wa s amoment when I felt very special just tobe there an d be part of it.7:30 PM. Twenty graduates, twelvemen and eight women, arrived to assistat graduation an d direct the trainees intheir Personality Profiles. As they walkedin and took their seats in the back ofthe room, the ladies in the group wereopenly an d thoroughly appreciated.The graduates, in for the last fewhours of the training, were moved bythe sharing an d swept up in th e fun of it.They, an d the cons, were clearly anxiousto get to the Personality Profile.There was a powerfully movingmoment when Ted shared an excerptfrom Werner's Aphorism Book:"I know that you know I love you,What I want yo u to knowIs that I know yo u love me."

At that moment all that existed in thatroom was an exchange of love betweenus . And everyone Knew it. Some ofthe trainees were embarrassed, evenblushing, when they realized what wa sgoing on.As the trainees completed their Personality Profiles, they moved ou t of thetraining area, received copies of th eAphorism Book and The Graduate Review,and were invited to join the "old" graduates for coffee.Turner wa s sitting on the stage,smiling to himself, his legs dangling offthe apron. I walked up to him.Gary: "How did you do?"He looked up, grinning.Turner: "Hundred percent."We talked an d he shared some more.Turner: "I know now what Ted meantabout some people not lettin' themselvescry . It's all stuck right here (he indicatedhis throat). I guess I'm not quite readyyet. Nothin' this good ever happened tome before."


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"nothin this good ever happened to me before" - on werner erhard's est training in prisons

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