north shore children & families october 2011

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North Shore Children Families FREE! The online and print forum promoting the development of children, families and the parents who care for them. IN THIS ISSUE OCTOBER 2011 Happy Autumn! Part 2 of 2 Managing Behavior Guided Collaboration & Problem Solving ~ Prerequisites for ~ Steps in ~ Languages of Community Calendar Open House Season! Education Feature: Covenant Christian Academy www.northshorefamilies.com

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North Shore Children & Families October 2011

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Page 1: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

North Shore

Children FamiliesFREE!

The online and print forum promoting the development of children, families and the parents who care for them.

IN THIS ISSUE

OCTOBER 2011

Happy Autumn!Part 2 of 2 Managing Behavior

Guided Collaboration& Problem Solving ~ Prerequisites for ~ Steps in~ Languages of

Community Calendar

Open House Season!

Education Feature:Covenant Christian Academy

www.northshorefamilies.com

Page 2: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

Family & Friends

Continued on page 17

Fall Family Fun on the North Shore!by Suzanne Provencher, Publisher

Growing up on the North Shore, Sundays were family day in our house. We’d startthe morning at church, then head to visit our grandparents, then gather around thetable for a proper family dinner. Often times, we’d stop at the Salem Willows forpopcorn, a “flying horses” ride and a walk on the pier. But many of our Sundays werespent on family drives. Route 22 was a favorite path and we’d play a game to see whowould notice the next Route 22 sign – and then we’d yell “TWENTY-TWO!” – and thenwe’d search for the next one. We didn’t have DVD players and most cars had only AMradio, so we occupied ourselves and played “22” and the license plate state game andred car and many other games along our Sunday family drives.

Our stops throughout the North Shore and beyond would often include visits to localfarms and orchards to see the animals and to pick apples and other local fruits inseason. We’d carefully select our Halloween pumpkins, get a big bottle of cold applecider and some winter squashes and mums. We would drive to Cape Ann and walkaround Bear Skin Neck in Rockport, stopping for penny candy that actually cost apenny before heading over to the “Paper House”, then continuing on to the granitequarry and that spectacular short hike with amazing views of the Atlantic.

We would explore the North Shore region from corner to corner and then venturebeyond to the mountains of New Hampshire to the beaches of southern Maine andCape Cod. From Battle Ship Cove in Fall River to Mystic Seaport and SturbridgeVillage, from the mountains to the rivers to the lakes to the seas, we explored andenjoyed our adventurous drives throughout the North Shore and New England. Theseare some of my fondest childhood memories.

So I started thinking about the many ways that you and your family can have someinexpensive and often free fun this fall, and perhaps you can map out your next familyday? Even a few hours a week and a tank of gas will get you far and benefit everyonein the family – and the memories you make will last a lifetime. I am sharing a few ideasbelow to help you get started, but before you head out, check online first fordiscounts and coupons at the places and areas you’ll be visiting.

25 Inexpensive or Free Fall Family Fun Ideas!

1. Take a family drive (it’s almost foliage season!) – with no DVDs! Enjoy conversationand drive games like the ones I mentioned or make up your own, and engage allfamily members while you enjoy the changing colors of the season.

2. Pack a picnic lunch as part of your drive to a destination like a park or beach. Thebeach in fall is great fun, with no high parking fees and fewer crowds – and the sandstill makes great castles!

3. Buy a kite and string and head to the closest open field.

4. Buy a big bottle of bubbles and some fun bubble wands and head to the beach orbackyard.

5. Take the train or subway to Boston and walk around Faneuil Hall and the city.

6. Walk down Beacon Street or Commonwealth Avenue and the surrounding historicareas in Boston and look up! Look up and you will see all sorts of gargoyles andfigures and faces and building “frosting” – things you never notice when lookingstraight ahead or driving by.

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2 North Shore Children & Families

Page 3: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

North Shore Children & Families 3

North Shore Children & Families

A publication of North Shore Ink, LLC© 2011. All rights reserved.

Reproduction in full or in part without written permission of the publisher is prohibited.

Suzanne M. ProvencherPublisher/Co-Founder/Managing Partner

[email protected]

Michael F. Mascolo, PhD Editor/Co-Founder/Partner

[email protected]

Designed by Group One GraphicsPrinted by Seacoast Media Group

Please see our Calendar in this issue for our upcoming deadlines.

Published and distributed monthly throughout the North Shore, 10x per year, and always online.

All articles are written by Michael F. Mascolo, PhD unless otherwise credited.

Information contained in NSC&F is provided for educational and entertainment purposes only.

Individual readers are responsible for their use of any information provided. NSC&F is not liable or responsible for the effects of use of information contained in NSC&F.

Established 2007.

www.northshorefamilies.comP.O. Box 150

Nahant, MA 01908-0150781.584.4569

Letter from the Editor

by Michael F. Mascolo, PhD

This issue is the second part of a two part issue devoted to managingchildren’s behavior. Part 1 of this two-part series (North Shore Children &Families, September 2011) was devoted to managing children’s behavior byproviding meaningful consequences to children’s actions. In this issue, we buildon the ideas that we elaborated in our September issue by introducing theprocess of Guided Collaboration and Problem Solving. (In this issue, we will usethe phrases Guided Collaboration and Guided Problem Solving interchangeably.)

In our first article, Prerequisites for Guided Collaboration: Establishing Clear Limitsand Boundaries, we provide a brief review of the basic ideas contained in Part 1of the series. Part 1 provides powerful strategies for regulating the behaviorof young children (or of difficult to manage older children). The strategiesdescribed in Part 2 are powerful; however, they are difficult to put into placeunless parents have established some clear limits and boundaries within whichguided collaboration can occur. Setting clear limits and boundaries is not onlya pre-requisite for guided collaboration, it is an important “fall back” approachfor parents when guided collaboration and problem solving fails.

Guided Collaboration is an extremely effective way of managing conflictbetween parents and children while simultaneously fostering the developmentof responsibility and social competence. Guided Collaboration is a form of

Managing Children Part 2: Guided Collaboration & Problem Solvingconflict management that occurs between parents and children. Whenpracticing guided collaboration, parents use actual parent-child (or child-child)conflicts as occasions to teach collaborative problem solving. When familyissues arise, parents teach children how to resolve conflicts between peoplefor the mutual gain of all parties involved.

Guided collaboration is based on the idea of mutual respect for the legitimateinterests of both parents and children. When parents and children collide, it isbecause they have different interests: A parent wants one thing and a childwants another. Guided collaboration is a way in which parents can work withchildren to find ways to both meet the legitimate wants, desires and needs oftheir children without compromising the parent’s standards, principles and rules.

Here’s how it works. Using guided problem solving, a child’s misbehavior isseen as a kind of conflict or problem that must be solved between a parent and achild (or between children): Three-year-old Sam writes on the wall; six-year-old Tabby grabs a doll from her sister Deborah’s hand; ten-year-old Ronald isspending too much time on the computer; sixteen-year-old Marissa wants tostay out beyond her curfew. Each of these situations involves some sort ofconflict or problem that must be solved. The interests or desires of the childconflict with the interests, desires or rules of the parent. In guidedcollaboration, the parent and child work together in an attempt to find

Continued on page 4

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Page 4: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

4 North Shore Children & Families

Sam’s desire to make pretty pictures on the walls

Tabby’s desire to play with her sister’s doll

Ronald’s desire to spend more time playing computer games

Marissa’s desire to be independent and spend more time with her friends

the parent’s desire to keep the walls clean

Deborah’s possession of the doll and her mother’s rule about hurtingother people by grabbing things

his parent’s concern that playing computer games takes away time from more important things

her father’s fear that something bad might happen to Marissa if she stays out too late

The Child’s Interests The Parent’s Interests, Standards & Rules

conflictswith

conflictswith

conflictswith

conflictswith

solutions to the problems that arise as a result of competing interests. The goalof guided collaboration is to find ways to meet the legitimate interests of bothparents and children. Using guided problem solving, parents guide childrenthrough the process of finding answers to questions like:

1. How can Sam make pretty pictures (or even pretty pictures “on the wall”)while at the same time keeping the walls clean and beautiful?

2. How can Tabby play with her sister’s doll without hurting her sister or takingaway what properly belongs to Deborah (that is, her turn playing with thedoll, or the doll itself)?

3. How can Ronald spend more time on the computer (or even more timeplaying computer games) and spend more time doing “more importantthings”?

4. How can Marissa gain more independence and spend more time with herfriends and make her father confident that nothing bad will happen to her(that she will spend time drinking with “the wrong crowd”; that she will be

up too late and tired the next day, etc.)?

When addressing any of these questions, a parent is essentially guiding the childthrough the process of collaborative problem solving. Each of these questionsessentially asks:

• Is there a way that parents and children can work together to solve theproblem before them for mutual gain?

• Is there a way that a parent can help a child advance his or her interestswithout the parent giving in on his or her interests and principles?

• Is there a way that a child can advance his or her interests whilesimultaneously respecting the parent’s interests?

There are no singly “correct” answers to these questions. Parents and childrenhave to find their own answers to questions like these. However, for mostparents and children, there are usually ways of answering these questions inways that would satisfy both parents and children.

Important: Guided Collaboration is Not Negotiation between Equal Partners

In virtually any social situation, people collaborate to reach their goals. Whenadults collaborate with each other, they often collaborate as equals. A husbandand a wife may collaborate as equal partners in their decisions about theirchildren. Friends act as equals when they negotiate about which movie to seeor what restaurant to visit. When children of the same age play together,neither child has authority over the other; they operate and negotiate as equals(even though they may not always agree that they are equals!).

Guided collaboration between parents and children is not the same asnegotiation between equal partners. Parents and children are not equals.Guided collaboration is guided by the parent. Parents have legitimate authorityover their children. They are responsible not only for the child’s well-being, butalso for fostering the child’s development. The parent’s authority is legitimized

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North Shore Children & Families 5

Continued on page 6

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They are remarkable in every way – physically, emotionally, sociallyand dentally! When it comes to dental care, children have specializedneeds. They require the services of dental professionals specificallytrained in the growth and development of teeth and facial structures.Dr. Alan Zicherman, Dr. Stuart Merle and Dr. Federico Lagoare pediatric dentists specially trained in treating infants, children, adolescents and handicapped children.

The doctors and staff work with you and your child to assurehealthy teeth, gums and bite. They also try to develop a positive attitude about dentistry and cooperative attitudes about home care at an early age. These components together help parents and their children learn skills for a lifetime of healthy teeth.

Their office philosophy is based around prevention of problems,and they recommend that children be seen by a pediatric dentist bythe first tooth or first birthday. Early prevention visits are key to layingthe foundation for good oral health.

Dr. Zicherman and Dr. Merle are board certified and diplo-mates of the American Board of Pediatric Dentistry which ensures thatthey meet the highest standards of excellence in pediatric dental care.ORTHODONTICS FOR

CHILDREN AND ADULTSTimothy Finelli, D.D.S.Education: Tufts University; Stonybrook School of Dental MedicineOrthodontic Specialty: Boston UniversityMember: American Association of Orthodontists

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Education: Brooklyn College of the City of New York; Tufts University School of Dental MedicinePediatric Specialty: Brookdale Hospital Medical Center, NYUPast President: Massachusetts Academy of Pediatric DentistryAppointment: Governor’s Commission to Study the Oral HealthStatus and Accessibility for Residents of the CommonwealthBoard Certified: Diplomate, American Board of Pediatric Dentistry

Alan R. Zicherman, D.D.S.Co-founder of Practice in 1975

Education: City College of the City University of New York; NYU School of DentistryPediatric Specialty: Brookdale Hospital Medical Center, NYUPast President: Massachusetts Academy of Pediatric DentistryMember: American Orthodontic Society, Cleft Palate Team,North Shore Children’s HospitalBoard Certified: Diplomate, American Board of Pediatric Dentistry

Federico Lago, D.M.D.Education: Brown University; University of Connecticut Dental SchoolPediatric Specialty: Schneider’s Children’s HospitalMember: American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry

and made necessary by such responsibility.

The parent-child relationship is an asymmetrical one. When a parentcollaborates with a child, it is the parent who unapologetically determines thelimits of what is acceptable in the collaboration. Collaboration between aparent and a child takes place within the limits established by the parent.Unless the parent retains his or her authority within the process of guided

Guided collaboration occurs when parents and children work together to solveproblems and resolve conflicts for the mutual gain of children and parents. Inguided collaboration, parents teach children how to advance their interests inways that respect the interests of others – especially parents. The parent is theresponsible partner in the relationship; although not infallible, he or she knowsmore and thus must take an active role in attempting to influence his or herchild’s development. The parent’s values, rules and standards matter.

Before guided collaboration and problem solving can occur, it is necessary forparents to be clear about the limits and consequences of children’s behavior.Guided collaboration is based upon the idea of mutual respect for thelegitimate interests of both the parent and the child. A parent who fails toattempt to meet a child’s legitimate interests is an authoritarian one; however, aparent who fails to assert his or her own legitimate interests is a permissiveone. Both of these extremes lead to lower levels of practical and socialcompetence in children.

Let’s explore why. Here is an example of a permissive parent who puts herchild’s desires first (see next page).

Managing Children’s Choice-Making through MeaningfulConsequences

Loving parents want to include their children in the process of decision making;this is at the heart of guided collaboration. However, while we want toencourage choice-making in our children, we want to ensure that the choicesthat children make are responsible ones. Of course, it is the parent who is in theposition to determine whether or not a choice is a responsible one. How canwe guide responsible choice-making in children – especially when children arevery young or just learning to master something new?

One way to encourage healthy choice making is by (a) placing clear limits onthe choices that children can make and (b) providing meaningfulconsequences for children’s choice-making. The formula looks like this:

In this situation, you can do A or B.If you choose A, the consequence will be X.If you choose B, the consequence will be Y.You are free to choose either option.

collaboration, the process will degenerate to a negotiation between equals.When this happens, children are robbed from the guidance that they need tomake decisions about issues that remain beyond their individual grasp andcompetence.

Guided Collaboration & Problem Solving

Prerequisites for Guided Collaboration: Establishing Clear Limits & Boundaries

Page 6: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

6 North Shore Children & Families Establishing Clear Limits and BoundariesContinued from page 5

When you do, you will have to accept both the positive and negativeconsequences of your choice.

Let’s put this into practice. Imagine a situation in which five-year-old Mattie andher mother are at the supermarket.

The Permissive Solution: Giving In

Mattie and her mother are at the checkout counter of a supermarket.Mattie repeatedly begs her mother for candy. The mother replies toMattie’s pleas by saying “No.” or “No candy before dinner.” or “You haveto wait until after dinner.” or “You can’t have something every time you goto the store!” and similar statements. Over time, Mattie’s voice becomesmore and more whiny and annoying. Mattie is in danger of causing a scene.Embarrassed, the mother says, “Oh, all right.”, and buys the candy. The childis silent and mom is relieved.

Mom may be relieved for now, but her solution to the problem is not apermanent one. Mattie has learned that incessant whining will cause Mom togive her what she wants. Mom has learned that if she gives Mattie what shewants, Mom can avoid the unpleasantness of Mattie’s incessant whining. ButMattie has learned that if she keeps pressing her mother, her mother will “givein”. Mattie has learned how to get what she wants (how to advance her owninterests) without respecting her mother’s legitimate interests. Of course,since her mother “gave in”, Mattie comes by this honestly.

The Authoritarian Approach: Power Assertion

Mattie and her mother are at the checkout counter of a supermarket.Mattie asks her mother for candy. The mother replies with a stern “No”.After a minute or so, Mattie asks again. Mom says, “You heard what I said!I already said ‘no’. Now it’s no dessert at all after dinner.” Mattie begins tocry. Later that day, Mattie sneaks into the cookie jar for a forbidden cookie.

In this situation, mom has effectively stopped Mattie from begging for candy.Mom has won in a “battle of the wills” with her daughter. However, she haswon only because she has superior power. This solution to the problem bringsa series of negative outcomes. First, it does not help Mattie learn anythingabout the basis of Mom’s rule – something like, “If you eat candy now, youwon’t want to eat your dinner.” More important, it fails to teach Mattie moreeffective ways of getting what she wants (e.g., by asking politely and delayinggratification until later). Most important, it does nothing to promote a securepartnership between Mattie and her mother. Mattie learns that if she wantssomething sweet, she’ll have to go around her mother and steal a cookie inorder to get it.

Setting up Choices and Meaningful Consequences

In this scenario, Mattie’s mom starts off by setting up options and meaningfulconsequences from which Mattie can choose a course of behavior:

As Mattie begins to beg her mother for candy, her mother responds bysaying, “I don’t want you to have candy before dinner. And I don’t want youto ask any more. If you continue to whine, I am simply not going torespond to you. If you continue after that, I’ll take you out of the store.When I see that you are calm, you can ask me politely if I could buy yousome candy to have after dinner. You can say, “Mom, can you buy me aSnicker’s bar that I can have after dinner?” If you are able to do that, I’llconsider your question. What is your choice?

Let’s apply the formula:

In this situation, you can do A or B.You can either continue to whine or ask me politely.

If you choose A, the consequence will be X.If you continue to whine, I will stop talking to you. If you continue after

Page 7: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

North Shore Children & Families 7

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that, I will take you from the store.

If you choose B, the consequence will be Y.If you ask politely, I will consider your request. (This does not meanthat Mattie will get the candy! It may mean that Mom might buy thecandy and give it to her for dessert, or something similar.)

You are free to choose either option. What is your choice?

When you do, you will have to accept both the positive and negativeconsequences of your choice.This may be the most important step. If the child continues to whine,she must take responsibility for the consequences of her action. Thatmeans that Mom ignores her, takes her out of the store, or somethingsimilar without going back on her word or giving in. This is the stepthat matters. If Mom gives in, then the child learns that Mom is notserious.

Note that meaningful consequences are not the same as punishments. Ameaningful consequence is meaningful because it is directly related to thechild’s interests in the situation at hand. A meaningful consequence says: “Ifyou ask politely, you might advance your interests” or “If you choose to wait untilafter dinner, you can have your candy bar”. Alternatively, a meaningfulconsequence says, “If you continue to whine, I will ignore your requests” or “Ifyou continue to whine, I will take you out of the store”. Meaningful consequenceswork because they are related to the interests and motivations that are drivingthe child’s actions in the moment.

Meaningful consequences teach children to respect your interests because theyshow children what they have to do to advance their own interests. Theyshow the children that you are “on the child’s side”: You want to help the childobtain his legitimate interests whenever possible, as long as the child does so inways that conform to your standards, rules and prerogatives.

Page 8: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

8 North Shore Children & Families

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Guided Collaboration & Problem Solving

Step 1: Calmness FirstThe first step in Guided Collaboration and Problem Solving is sometimes thehardest: Calmness.

When was the last time that you had a successful collaboration when one orboth partners were angry or upset in some way? If you are like most of us, theanswer is most likely: Never.

It is virtually impossible to engage in successful collaborative problem solving ifanyone involved in the collaboration is upset. When a child misbehaves, orwhen there is some sort of conflict, anger and frustration are natural reactions.This is true of both parents and children.

When someone is angry, he has made the judgment that you have donesomething wrong. As a result, the angry person will attempt to move against thealleged wrongdoer in an attempt to change that person’s behavior. If I am angryat you, I am likely to blame you for what you did. When I blame you, you arelikely to become defensive and blame me back. The cycle escalates. There is noway to engage in effective problem-solving when people are angry.

The same is true if people are afraid! When a parent gets angry, a child is likely

to experience some degree of fear. Anger is not a pleasant emotion. When achild is afraid, she is most likely to try to avoid further contact with the parent.She’ll do anything to get away from the angry person. Have you ever tried toengage in problem solving with someone when you felt afraid of them? Theresult is that you tend to tell the angry person what they want to hear ratherthan what it is that you really think. That is not a formula for success.

And so, the first steps are to calm everyone down. How can this be done?

• Identify the situation as a teaching and learning moment. Ratherthan thinking of a child as doing something wrong, the parent thinks of thesituation as one in which a child needs to learn new skills. Quite often,simply reframing misbehavior as a teaching opportunity is enough to bringa parent from upset to in control.

• Wait until you are calm. Try to calm yourself down. If you are tooangry or upset to engage your children, make sure that the situation isunder control and defer problem-solving until later.

• Calm your children down. If your children are upset, wait until theyare calm before you start to engage in guided collaboration. Sometimesthis is as simple as asking them to calm down.

• “Nothing happens until you are calm.” Sometimes, children can bedemanding when there is a mishap or misbehavior: “Jonah hit me!” “Hestarted it!” “That’s not fair!” This is not the time for problem-solving. Aneffective strategy for calming children in these situations is simply to say,

Steps in Guided Collaboration & Problem Solving

Continued on page 10

Page 9: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

North Shore Children & Families 9

Andrea, in your 20 years as aneducator, what would you say is theprimary purpose of elementaryeducation?

The role of early childhood andelementary education is to lay thefoundation necessary for successful lifelong learning. I believe an excellentelementary education needs to readlike a great book, one in which everychapter is savored and devoured. It’s abook in which we take the time torecognize each chapter’s integralimportance to the rest of the story. It’sa story where the connections are richand worthy of discussion, wherequestions are a natural by-product that

leads to greater understanding. Everystep of our journey through grammarschool must make sense in relation tothe prior chapters, as well as those tocome. Students must be able to close achapter and hold onto a thoroughsummary before moving on. The storymust be presented in a way that enticesthe reader to keep going, turning pagesand savoring each and every word. Thisis how a Classical School approacheseducation and at CCA, this is oureducational philosophy.

What is Classical Education? Is ittoo “old-fashioned” for kids today?

The term Classical Education is oftenmisunderstood. The way I typicallybegin to describe it to parents isthrough two words: Intentionalityand Simplicity. Classical curriculum isnever haphazard, never student-driven,but always with the student as a centralpart of the learning. It’s teaching withattention to thoroughness, sequence,understanding and the connectionsbeing made, while keeping the bigpicture always at the forefront. Orderand necessity guide the presentation ofcore content. This means we focus onthe “who, what, where, and when,” butnever neglect the “how and why”!

We aim to lay a sturdy and strongfoundation, brick by brick, secured withthe mortar of deep understanding,which our students can build upon fora lifetime of learning. There’s nothing

“old-fashioned” about astructured curriculum thatequips students with solidskills that give wings tocreativity and personalvoice. There is a beautifulsimplicity to this approach -it is preparatory educationat its best.

Can you describe CCA’sclassical approach to acore subject area?

Of course. Let’s look athistory. In most schoolshistory is taught “piece-meal”. Students getsnip-its of information, butrarely understand how thepieces fit together. It isnot comprehensive, sequential orcomplete.

At CCA, history is taught as the “Story of Our World,” a story that has a beginning, but has not ended.Beginning in third grade, our grammarschool students embark on a journeythrough history that will take them 6years to complete. The lessons arechronological; dates, events, people andstories are the focus. Integrated intothis adventure are classic stories,primary sources, and the study ofgeography. Connections are naturallydrawn and a context for future learningis established. It just makes sense!

Having worked in both public andprivate schools, using both progressiveand traditional methods, I have becomeconvinced that a classical approach toeducation is the best preparation we

can provide for students. Call it whatyou may — traditional learning, back tobasics, researched based, best practices,or brain based learning. No fads, notrends, simply common sense—that is aClassical Education!

Covenant provides students with rigorousinstruction in every academic disciplinefrom a perspective that includes the realityof God, the importance of Christian faith,and the value of a supportive community.Our commitment to the historic Christianfaith, combined with our Classicaleducational philosophy, provides apowerful, life-shaping education for mind,body and soul. Covenant’s unique schoolcommunity nurtures mutual respect andpersonal responsibility while cultivatingstudents’ individual academic, athletic,musical and artistic talents.

Covenant Christian Academy83 Pine StreetWest Peabody, MA 01960ph: 978-535-7100www.covenantchristianacademy.org

The information contained in thiseducation feature was submitted byCovenant Christian Academy, andpublished in partnership with North Shore Children & Families;www.northshorefamilies.com.

Education Feature

DISCOVER COVENANT! Admissions Open House

Thursday, October 27th 6-8PM

Quick Facts about CCA

• 232 students in Pre-Kindergarten - Grade 12 • Student / Teacher ratio of 6:1 • Average Class size is 15

• Interscholastic Athletics for MS and HS students: 13 teams • Extensive Fine Arts programs: music, theater and studio art

• Located 18 miles north of Boston, 1 mile off Route 1• Students from 45 different communities in Eastern MA • Accredited by NEAS&C and ACSI • Founded in 1991

A Conversation with Mrs. Andrea Bergstrom Grammar School Principal at Covenant Christian Academy

Page 10: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

10 North Shore Children & Families

Steps in Guided CollaborationContinued from page 8

“Nothing happens until you are calm.” Then mean it: Simply stop allaction and do nothing until everyone is calm. You’ll be surprised at howquickly children can calm themselves when they know that getting whatthey want is at stake.

• Have everyone take a “break” or a “time out” until everyone iscalm. Today, a “time out” is often used as a punishment: “If you don’tstop that, you’ll get a time out!” That’s not a time out. A “time out” issimply a “break” from the situation to allow everyone to calm down andreflect on the situation. Once everyone is calm, collaborative problemsolving can begin.

Step 2: Identify Everyone’s Genuine InterestsAfter everyone is calm, it is time to identify the interests of each personinvolved in the conflict. This is a crucial step.

What does it meant to identify the interests of everyone in a conflict? Let’sstart with some basic assumptions about human behavior.

Why do people do what they do? Why do children do what they do? Why doparents do what they do?

People act on the basis of their interests.

Whenever someone is acting, there is an interest that lies behind the action. Aninterest is simply what the person wants. To speak of interests is to speak of aperson’s goals, motives, desires, plans, standards or rules. We act to advanceour interests:

• Sam writes on the wall in order to draw pretty pictures that everyone can see.

• Tabby grabs her sister’s doll becauseshe wants to play with it.

• Ronald goes beyond the hour timelimit because he wants to play videogames.

• Marissa stays out beyond her curfewbecause she wants to spend time withher friends and see herself asindependent.

• Now, let’s think of human behavior asa kind of problem-solving activity:

Any given behavior can be seen asa strategy for solving a problem –

namely, the problem of advancinga person’s interests.

If we act in order to advance our goals, motives, desires or interests, then eachact can be seen as a strategy for obtaining a goal. Each behavior can be seen asa way to solve the problem of getting what we want.

• Writing on the wall solves the problem of how to draw pretty pictures thateveryone can see.

• Grabbing her sister’s doll solves the problem of how to get the doll from hersister in order to play with it.

• Going over the time limit solves the problem of how to get more time onthe computer.

• Staying out after curfew solves the problem of how to spend time withfriends and see oneself as independent.

If we think of any given human behavior as a strategy for solving a problem, we

Page 11: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

North Shore Children & Families 11can see that any given action is but one way to solve the problem at hand(advancing our interests). When a child misbehaves, he is essentially choosing astrategy for solving his problem (advancing his interests) that conflicts with theparent’s legitimate interests (the parent’s standards, rules or concerns). Wehave a conflict here.

If that is the case, it follows that one way to effect change in a child’s behavior isto help a child find alternative ways to solve his problem (advance his interests)that do not conflict with the parent’s interests. This becomes a problem ofcollaborative problem solving. How can the child and parent worktogether to find ways to simultaneously advance both of their legitimateinterests? In other words:

• How can Sam make pretty pictures that everyone can see withoutwriting on the walls?

• How can Tabby get a chance toplay with the doll that hersister is playing with withoutgrabbing it?

• How can Ronald get morecomputer time withoutengaging in mindless activity?

• How can Marissa spend moretime with her friends andexperience herself as moreindependent without stayingup too late or placing herselfin situations where shemight engage in riskybehavior?

These are the types of questions that lend themselves to guided collaborationand problem solving. Although not all situations can be framed in this way, youmight be surprised at just how many situations (perhaps the vast majority) canbe framed in this way. However, the key to doing so is to identify everyone’sgenuine interests by separating a person’s interests from their behaviors andpositions, their goals from their actions, and their strategies from their problems. It isto this crucial step that we now turn.

Step 3: Negotiate from Interests, not PositionsThis is a crucial step that is at the heart of guided collaboration and problem solving.

In their brilliant and highly influential Getting to Yes, Roger Fisher and WilliamUry put forth several principles of effective negotiation and conflict resolution.These principles apply to all forms of negotiation between people, including thetype of guided collaboration that we are describing here. The distinctionbetween interests and positions is an important one in all forms of conflictmanagement.

A person’s interest – as we have been discussing all along – simply refers towhat a person wants. Interests refer to a child’s or adult’s wants, desires, goals,concerns, principles and so forth. In contrast, a position refers to a person’sstance on how best to meet his or her interests. A position is something that isalready decided upon; an interest is that which motivates a decision on how toact. For example, Tabby wants to play with Debbie’s doll; this is her interest. IfTabby were to say, “If Debbie won’t give me the doll, I’ll grab it from her”, thiswould be her position. Given her interest (i.e., “I want the doll”), Tabby’sposition consists of her already made up decision about how to advance her interests.

Now, once someone has already decided on a position – a way to advance theirinterests – it’s often very hard to turn back. Intractable arguments between

Continued on page 12

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12 North Shore Children & Families

Steps in Guided CollaborationContinued from page 11

adults, between children or between adults and children usually occur whenthere is a conflict about positions. When two people arrive at different decisionsabout what they want to do, there is very little room for negotiation. Thedecisions have already been made. To modify one’s decision would require thata person “go back” on his or her position. The conflict escalates to a contest inwhich one person must win and the other person must lose. When thishappens, there is a threat of “losing face”. People tend to “dig in their heels”and a battle of wills ensues. When this happens, everyone loses (even ifsomeone “wins”).

The trick to managing conflict between people is to understand this:

Beneath every person’s action or position lies an interest.To manage conflicts between people, negotiate about interests,

not positions.

To illustrate, consider the following scenarios:

It’s raining out. Mom wants Jess to wear her raincoat to school. Jessrefuses, saying she hates her rain coat. But Mom insists, “It’s raining; youneed to wear your raincoat”. Jess becomes angry and defensive, “You neverlet me do what I want to do!”

This is a conflict over two opposing positions. Mom has already decided thatshe wants Jess to wear her raincoat; Jess has already decided that she does notwant to wear her raincoat. Such a conflict over fixed positions is a zero-sumgame; someone either wins or loses.

What would happen if the mother and child were to focus on each other’s

interests rather than on positions? Again, an interest is what a person reallywants. An interest is that which motivates a position. By exploring theinterests that motivate a person’s (current) position, we can find out if thereare ways in which the child (or mother) can advance her interests that do notconflict with her mother’s (or child’s) interests.

Mom: Jess, it’s raining out. Don’t forget to wear your raincoat!

Jess: I don’t want to wear a raincoat!

Mom: You don’t want your raincoat? Why don’t you want to wear your raincoat?

Jess: I don’t need one!

Mom: You don’t need one? But it’s pouring out! There must be someother reason why you don’t want to wear your raincoat!

Jess: I hate that raincoat. The last time I wore that raincoat, everyonecalled me names!

Mom: Goodness! That musthave beenembarrassing. Butwe’ve got a problemhere. I don’t want youto get wet, and youdon’t want the kids tomake fun of you. Isthere some way thatwe can prevent youfrom getting wet andnot have the kidsmake fun of you?

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North Shore Children & Families 13

Continued on page 14

Jess: Well, you know, I kinda like your blue jacket.

Mom: You mean my old blue jacket with the rip in the sleeve? I didn’tknow you liked that old thing. I think it looks awful! But if youlike it, you can have it!

Jess: Gee, thanks Mom!

In this situation, instead of focusing on positions (Mom’s decision that Jessshould wear a raincoat and Jess’s decision not to wear one), Mom focused oninterests instead. Digging beneath the positions that both Mom and Jessexpressed, Mom tried to find out what it was that was really bothering Jess.She found out that Jess’s real interest was that she didn’t want to be made funof in school. Digging beneath her own initial position (i.e., “Wear yourraincoat!”), mom finds that her real interest is in keeping Jess dry and warm.

By identifying the genuine interests that motivated each person’s initialpositions, Mom found that while their initial positions were in conflict with eachother, there was not necessarily conflict between Mom’s interest (i.e., to keepJess warm and dry) and Jess’s interest (i.e., to look “cool” at school). It was atthis point that Mom and Jess were able to brainstorm in order to find a “win-win” solution – a solution in which both Mom and Jess are able to advance theirlegitimate interests.

The focus on genuine interests is central. Note what has happened in this“negotiation”. Mom was able to identify and assert her interests without givingin. However, she is open to alternative ways of meeting those interests. She iswilling to entertain other options as long as they don’t conflict with her desirethat Jess be warm and dry. By opening up the conversation for Jess, Momguided Jess through the process of collaborative problem solving. Jess was ableto offer a solution to the problem that advanced her own interests but whichdid not violate her mother’s interests.

The Three Languages of Collaborative Problem Solving

It is sometimes helpful to examine new ideas from different perspectives. Thepractice of guided collaboration and problem solving can be understood froma variety of different perspectives, each of which uses its own language andmetaphors. Different people find some ways of thinking about guidedcollaboration to be more intuitive than others. We can think of the process ofmanaging conflict in terms of the language of:

• Negotiation (interests and positions)• Problem solving (problems and solutions)• Everyday behavior (desires and actions)

Each of these “languages” can be directly translated into each other:

• Interests = Problems = Wants and Desires• Positions = Solutions = Acts and Behaviors

Looking at the process of collaborative problem solving from each of thesethree viewpoints often helps parents to better understand and apply theprinciples to everyday situations. Examples of the three “languages” areprovided in the figure on the next page.

The language of negotiation. The first language is the language of“negotiation”. Using this language, we can think of guided collaboration andproblem solving as a form of guided negotiation. In this approach, as describedearlier, each person has interests and positions. When positions are in conflict,parents and children work to clarify and understand each other’s underlyinginterests. Collaborative problem solving becomes a process of finding new

Page 14: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

14 North Shore Children & Families

The Three LanguagesContinued from page 13

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ways to simultaneously meet the legitimate interests of both the parent andchild. The top panel of the figure to the right, illustrates this language using theexample of Jess and the raincoat (described earlier). Although the mother’sstatement that Jess should wear a raincoat conflicts with Jess’s refusal, theinterests that motivate these conflicting positions are not in conflict. Byfocusing on the legitimate interests of both the child and the parent, motherand daughter were able to create a “win-win” solution – namely, that Jesswould wear her mother’s old blue jacket instead of a raincoat.

The language of problem solving. Using the language of problem solving,each person in a conflict is seen to have a problem that he or she is trying tosolve. (In the language of negotiation, each person’s problem is his or herinterest.) Each person’s behavior is seen as an attempt to solve his or herpersonal problem. A conflict occurs when one person’s solution to herproblem (his or her behavior) itself causes a problem for another person! Thechild’s solution to his problem becomes a problem for you! In the exampledescribed in the figure, Ronald has a problem: “How can I get more time onthe computer?” His solution is to lie about how much time he has spent onthe computer. His lie then becomes a problem for his parents! It is a problembecause his parents want him to be using his time more constructively.

In order to resolve conflict between parent and child, we have to first lookbeyond the solutions to the underlying problems that each person is trying tosolve. Again, we have to dig underneath the solutions that each person haschosen in order to unearth the underlying problems that each person is tryingto solve. And so, the mantra of the problem solving approach becomes:

See next page.

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Continued on page 16

North Shore Children & Families 15

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What is the problem that you are trying to solve?

Once a parent guides the process of identifying the problems that both theparent and the child are trying to solve, the issue becomes one of trying tofind solutions that solve both problems simultaneously. In the situationdisplayed in the middle panel of the figure, there are varieties of ways in whichthe conflict between Ronald and his parent can be resolved. For example,perhaps Ronald’s parent would agree that Ronald can spend more time on thecomputer, as long as he is engaged in certain constructive activities (e.g.,making a creative video; playing online chess; watching a video on the NationalGeographic website, etc.).

The language of everyday behavior. At this point, it is probably clear howthe language of negotiation and the language of problem-solving map onto thelanguage of everyday behavior. Interests and problems correspond to wants,desires and goals; positions and solutions correspond to actions, behaviors andstatements. In the situation described in the lower panel of the accompanyingfigure, Marissa’s behavior – her decision to stay out late – is at odds with herparent’s stated curfew. It may be possible for this conflict to be resolved ifMarissa and her mother focus on the motives, goals and desires that underlietheir conflicting behavior. It is likely that Marissa’s mother would support herdesire to be more independent; Marissa is likely to support – or at leastunderstand – her mother’s desire that she remain safe. Might they be able toagree upon a win-win solution that can satisfy both of their goals?

Of course, if they can’t, we must remember that the relationship betweenMarissa and her mother is not a symmetrical one. Mom is guiding the process ofcollaboration; ultimately, she is the one responsible for Marissa and her safety.She is open and flexible, but not so flexible as to “give in” to her core principles.

Which of these three languages (or combinations of languages) works bestfor you?

Step 4: Generate Options – The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Once you have identified the interests (problems and goals) of each person inthe conflict, and have separated those interests from each person’s positions(solutions and actions), it is now time to brainstorm. It’s time for each personinvolved in the conflict to work together to generate as many possiblesolutions to the conflict as possible. Your goal is to generate win-win solutions –solutions that advance the interest of each person in the conflict, without givingin on the parent’s core interests.

As you generate solutions, it is important to solicit and accept all types ofsolutions – good solutions, bad solutions and even ugly solutions. This is a veryimportant point. Of course, we are most interested in generating good (win-win) solutions, but bad solutions and even ugly solutions are important as well.They are important for many reasons:

Sometimes bad solutions are really good solutions. Sometimes peopledon’t suggest solutions because they think that they are stupid or will makepeople look stupid. Accepting (or even inviting!) bad solutions solves thisproblem. For example, Marissa wants to stay out later than curfew and mightbe afraid to suggest that she be permitted to stay out later as long as she callshome on the hour. Her parents might reject such a solution; but then again,they might not.

Sometimes bad solutions lead to good solutions. Let’s say that Marissasuggested to her parents that she be allowed to stay out later with her friends

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16 North Shore Children & Families

Collaborative Problem SolvingContinued from page 15

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at night if she called first. Imagine that this clever suggestion was intriguing toher parents, but ultimately unacceptable. They simply didn’t feel comfortable

with Marissa being out beyond 9:30. But then they reasoned, what else can wedo, besides having Marissa call in, to ensure that she is safe while being with herfriends? Marissa’s father gets an idea – let’s clear out the basement so thatMarissa and her friends can spend time in our house later at night. Might thisbe a win-win solution? If it is, then it is an example of a “bad” idea leading to agood one!

Solution Pro Con

Stay out late and call homeon the hour

Make space in the basementfor teen get together and callhome on the hour

Extend Marissa’s curfew by 1hour

Allow Marissa to stay overPaul’s house with her friends

Allow Marissa to stay out latewith friends at Alison’s housewhile Alison’s parents arehome to supervise them

• Gives Marissa extra time with friends• Marissa feels more independent by staying out late without

Mom and Dad

• Gives Marissa extra time with friends• Mom and Dad feel that because they can supervise the teens,

it will be safe• Marissa feels a bit more independent, but she’s still being supervised

by Mom and Dad

• Gives Marissa extra time with friends• Marissa feels more independent by staying out late without

Mom and Dad

• Gives Marissa extra time with friends• Marissa feels more independent by staying out late without

Mom and Dad

• Gives Marissa extra time with friends• Mom and Dad feel that because Alison’s parents are responsible,

they can supervise the teens• Marissa feels more independent because she is not being directly

supervised by Mom and Dad

• Marissa’s parents don’t feel that this is safe enough• It’s still late and Marissa will be tired the next day

• Marissa doesn’t feel entirely independent, as she is still beingsupervised by Mom and Dad

• It will take work to clear out the basement to make this happen

• Mom and Dad don’t feel that this is safe• Mom and Dad don’t trust what might happen when teens get together

• Mom and Dad don’t feel that this is safe• Mom and Dad feel that Marissa is showing poor judgment by

proposing this seriously

• Mom and Dad would prefer that Marissa be supervised in their house,but they trust Alison’s Mom and Dad

• Marissa feels that she is not being totally independent as she is stillbeing supervised by someone

Page 17: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

North Shore Children & Families 17

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Ugly ideas help clarify what’s really not acceptable and why. Imaginethat, upon hearing her father’s suggestion, Marissa comes up with her owncounter-suggestion: “That’s a good idea, Dad. But you know, Paul has a room inthe basement of his parent’s house. It even has a separate entrance where Paulcan come and go as he pleases! I could stay late at Paul’s house”. Notsurprisingly, Dad asks, “Hmmm…isn’t Paul the one who recently got suspendedfor drinking beer behind the high school? Do you think that I would think itwould be safe for you to spend time alone, in his room, with its separateentrance, outside of our house, with someone like that? No – that’s a truly badidea.” A powerful “no” can clearly identify what is truly unacceptable and why.A powerful “no” tells us what is not acceptable so that we can more clearlytalk about what might be acceptable.

Step 5: Select Solutions Jointly and Take Responsibility for ThemAfter a set of possible solutions has been proposed – hopefully by everyoneinvolved in the conflict – then it’s time to evaluate them and jointly choose acourse of action. Although it is not necessary, it is sometimes useful to list all ofthe proposed solutions and evaluate their strengths and weaknesses. You mighteven make a table, such as the one on page 16.

This table can give a sense of the range of different solutions that might beproposed for any given problem (from the good through the bad to the ugly), aswell how each solution has both positive and negative points. Note that nosingle solution fully satisfies both Marissa and her parents – although twosolutions come quite close. Solutions 1, 3 and 5 are unacceptable to Marissa’sparents. Solutions 2 and 5 are acceptable to both Marissa and her parents;Marissa would prefer option 5 and her parents would prefer option 1.

Let’s say that Marissa and her parents agree to choose option 5. Both Marissaand her parents are happy: Marissa gets to stay out late with friends, and Momand Dad are confident that she will be safe. But it’s not over yet! This isbecause both Marissa and her parents must now take responsibility for theoutcomes of the decision that they have jointly made. Let’s imagine thatMarissa stays out late with friends at Alison’s house and, somehow, someonesmuggled some alcohol into the basement. At this point, Marissa would havedemonstrated that her preferred solution did not work. When Marissa isprohibited from further late-night stays at Alison’s house, Marissa has nowarrant to complain; since she was a partner in the joint creation of thissolution, Marissa (and her parents) must take responsibility for theconsequences of her decision. Parents often find that when their children aregiven the opportunity to influence the course of decision-making, there arefewer fights when decision-making fails. Although everyone wins when thedecisions are successful, when they fail, everyone is aware of the need toregroup and redress.

7. Visit the local zoo, museum oraquarium. Many have free or discountdays, so check online first.

8. Share a rainy fall afternoon indoorswith good old-fashioned board gamesor a huge jigsaw puzzle that the entirefamily can work on together.

9. If your backyard permits, enjoy acampfire and make s’mores! Tell scarystories and sing old camp songs (youknow you remember some!) around thecamp fire. Tell your kids what yourchildhood was like.

10. Have a family yard or house clean upday – and make it fun! Grab an oldpair of jeans and an old flannel shirtand while you are raking the leaves,make a scarecrow! And before theleaves are put into those big paperbags, make a huge pile to jump in first!

11. Enjoy a family hike or bike ride alongone of the many safe trails throughoutthe region.

12. Look for unique birds at Plum Island inNewburyport, then head to southerncoastal New Hampshire and Maine to

look for deer, moose, seals and morewildlife.

13. Go on a whale watch and see if youcan find the rare great blue whale thatwas seen in our waters recently.

14. Take advantage of one of the manyopen houses that appear in this issue,and explore the options for yourchildren at area independent schools.These are all free, and many offer funactivities for the little ones whileparents learn about the school.

15. Spend a clear night gazing at the stars!Look online (or borrow a book fromthe library) for the constellations thatare appearing in our fall night skiesand see if you can find them. Invest inan inexpensive telescope to get acloser look.

16. Go to the airport, a big one or a smallone – and watch the planes take offand land. Discuss the places that youand your family would like to visit.

17. Collect seashells and beach glass, thenmake holiday decorations andinexpensive yet thoughtful gifts forfamily and friends.

Continued on page 22

Page 18: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

18 North Shore Children & Families

Community CalendarTo Submit to our Community Calendar:Please visit us at www.northshorefamilies.com and submit your listings directly through our website.From our Home Page – click on Calendar – then click on Submit in the upper right corner and our formwill open for you to complete and submit your listings.

While we will make every attempt to post all appropriate listings in our Community Calendar, space islimited – and priority will be given to those events that are free and family-friendly – and those submitted byour advertising partners & sponsors.

Calendar listings are generally due by the 15th of each month prior and must be submittedthrough our website. If you need to guarantee that your listing will be posted – please contact Suzanne toadvertise. See our current Calendar for our upcoming issue deadlines.

To advertise, please contact Suzanne at [email protected] or 781.584.4569.

For complete listing accuracy, we recommend that you call ahead or checkthe websites listed. Featured listings do notconstitute an endorsement from thispublisher and we encourage our readers toalways do their own research.

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Page 19: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

North Shore Children & Families 19

Continued on page 20

Bay State Skating School, Learn toSkate Lessons, ages 4.5-adults; visitwww.baystateskatingschool.org for arearink locations (Medford: Flynn & LoConterinks) & class times.

Learn to Skate Group Lessons withCape Ann Figure Skating Club.Ongoing registration for hockey & figureskaters, ages 2.5-adults. Classes held atTalbot Rink (Gloucester) & Pingree SchoolRink (Hamilton). Visit www.cafsc.org formore information.

Register online by Oct. 12th for the2nd Annual Melrose Family YMCASpooky Sprint 5K & Monster Bash,on Oct. 29th, 7:30-11:30am.www.melroseymca.org

Fall Programs for Kids(Preschoolers, K-5 or ages 9+) at TheCommunity House of Hamilton &Wenham. For schedule, rates & toregister: www.communityhouse.org or978.468.4818 ext. 10.

WEDNESDAYS:

Open School Wednesdays, 9-11am, atHarborlight Montessori School,Beverly. See ad on page 4!

2nd WEDNESDAY OF EACHMONTH:

La Leche League of Beverly &Peabody meets on the 2nd Wed. of eachmonth at 10am at St. John’s LutheranChurch, 32 Ellsworth Rd., Peabody (cornerof Ellsworth & King Sts.). All breastfeedingmothers & mothers-to-be are welcomefor help & info.

ATTENTION SCHOOLS, FAIRS & EVENTS:

Green Infusion presents In SmallSteps and Discover Your Green Heart,environmental presentations forschools, fairs & events. Listen tooriginal songs, sing along, learn to help theenvironment. Now booking fallpresentation dates for your school orevent: [email protected] or978.744.9124. See ad on page 19.

GET TICKETS NOW FOR:

Marblehead Little Theatre presentsOliver!, November 5-20 at the NelsonAldrich Performing Arts Center inMarblehead. See ad on page 2!

2nd Annual Tea Party on the Island,hosted by Women & Wishes/NewEngland Chapter. At Nahant CountryClub on October 23, 1-4pm. Featuringraffles, live music & refreshments; proceedshelp women transition through life’schallenges. Order tickets (or make adonation) at Nahant Country Club, 280Nahant Rd., Nahant or call 781.581.0515.

$30pp ticket/ donation by Oct. 9th; $35after Oct. 9th. Wear your most fashionablehat – best one wins a prize! Limited to250 attendees, so buy your tickets today!Enjoy a delightful afternoon on the NorthShore, while helping others in need.

North Shore Music Theatre boxoffice is open for all remainingmusicals & concerts! Musicals: TheKing and I, thru Oct. 9; Legally Blonde, Nov.1-13; A Christmas Carol, Dec. 2-23.Concerts/Events: Harvey Robbins’ Royaltyof Rock ‘N Roll, Oct. 22. For tix & info.:www.nsmt.org or 978.232.7200. Also onsale now: Seussical the Musical, April 2012show dates.

Salem Theatre Co. opens Season 9with The Woman in Black, thru Oct. 15; www.salemtheatre.com.

Victorian Family Day, December 3,10am-9pm, at Old Town Hall inSalem. Net proceeds benefit Make AWish Foundation. Featuring marionettes,Santa visit, Dickens Parlor Performances,games, story time, crafts, GermanCotillion, Old Curiosity Shop & more. For schedule & tix:www.dickensnorthofboston.com.

Runway USA: Celebrating Women inUniform, November 7, 6pm, at NorthShore Music Theatre, Beverly. Pres. byLorraine Roy Designer Collections;proceeds benefit organizations supportingour troops. Pre show reception, boutiquetables, food tastings, raffles, Lorraine RoyDesigner Collection fashion show; $100VIP ticket incl. post show dessertreception; $50 gen. adm. For every 3 pairsof new, white sox for men or women thatyou bring to the event, you will get a freeraffle ticket! For tix & more info.:www.nsmt.org.

La Cage Aux Folles, starring GeorgeHamilton, at the Citi PerformingArts Center Shubert Theatre,Boston, Dec. 5-18; tix on sale now atwww.broadwayinboston.com orwww.citicenter.org or at Wang Theatrebox office.

ENTER BY OCTOBER 21:

2nd Annual Malden Public LibraryTeen Scary Story Contest! Forstudents in grades 5-12; write an originalmystery, suspenseful thriller, dark teenromance or humorous Halloween tale.Official contest forms & rules are availablein the YA Room at the library; or

download online & print:http://maldenpubliclibrary.org/blog/teens/.Contest is open to Massachusettsresidents only, one entry per student.Stories (2,600 words or less) must besubmitted in-person or emailed toMs. Barnes by October 21, 2011 at 6pm. Gift cards & copies of published bookwith all entries will be awarded to 1st, 2nd

& 3rd place in the middle school (gr.5,6,7,8) & high school (gr. 9,10,11,12)categories. For more info., email Ms. Barnes [email protected] or stop by the library.

SEPTEMBER 30 – OCTOBER 10:

The Topsfield Fair returns for its193rd year! Topsfield Fair has developed acurriculum that is drawing interest frommany educators and over the past coupleof years has registered thousands ofstudents from approximately 50 schoolsto take part in their program. Teachersregister for this program and come withtheir students for classes on bee keeping,poultry and the New England Owl. Thiseducation program is completely free andon two of the days, all of the children

ATTENTION SCHOOLS,FAIRS & EVENTS!

Book your date today! [email protected]!

Now booking fall presentation dates.www.green-infusion.com

978.744.9124

presents

In Small Stepsand

Discover YourGreen Heart!• Performances for schools,

fairs and special events• Listen to original songs

• Sing along • Take a visual journey• Learn to help the environment

• Meet Naz and friends

Plumfield Academy A Charlotte Mason School

for positive and creative students in grades 1-8.

Experience the Gentle Art of Learning

123 Dayton St., Danverswww.plumfieldacademy.org

We may be the answer to your prayer.Call us at 978.304.0273.

• Stimulating Great Books Curriculum• 8/1 Student-Teacher Ratio

• Family Time Respected• Tuition - $9,000 - no additional fees

Open Houses

Tuesdays, Oct. 18 & 25

10 am – 12 noon

487 Locust Street Danvers, MA 978-777-4699

Page 20: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

20 North Shore Children & Families

Oceanfront Splendor...Magnificent Views...Elegant & Affordable

North Shore's best kept secret & the perfect location for:

• Weddings, Showers• Birthdays, Sweet 16s

• Bar/Bat Mitzvahs• Anniversaries

• All Special Occasions• Wedding & Function Packages• Many Menus to Choose From

The

Baysideof Nahant

781.592.3080One Range Road, Nahant

www.baysidefunctions.com

Personalized Poems & Prose

by SuzanneFor Gifts

A Personalized PoemMakes a Perfect Gift

for Any Special Occasion

For InvitationsClever, Custom Verses

for Your Invitations & Thank You Notes

For EventsSpeeches, Toasts & Roasts

781.584.4569 suzanne

@northshorefamilies.com

Have an Awesome BirthdayBash at The Little Gym!

· Private party – clean, safe, beautiful facility all to yourselves.

· Instructor led – great age-appropriategames and activities.

· Stress-free for parents…we take care of EVERYTHING!Call for details.

The Little Gym of Danvers978.777.7977

www.tlgdanversma.com

The Little Gym of Woburn781.933.3388 • www.tlgwoburnma.com

The North Shore Party PlannerTo advertise, please contact [email protected].

NOVEMBER ISSUEDEADLINES!

Ad Space ClosesFri., Oct. 14

All Ads Due/Done By

Tues., Oct. 18

November CalendarListings Due ByTues., Oct. 18

Please submit your listings directly through our website.

To secure your ad space:suzanne@

northshorefamilies.com

781.584.4569

Birthday Party onRoller Skates!

Roller World, Saugus

781.233.3255Party Line

A COOLPARTYSTORE!

Route 110, Salisbury

1.855.45.PARTYwww.gofunnybones.com

Ages 5 & UnderBirthday Parties at

www.malltots.com978.777.6411

receive free lunch. Check out theirwebsite for things that teachers (andeveryone) can download – whether youattend the fair this year or not.www.topsfieldfair.org

OCTOBER 1:

International Day for the Elderly;International Frugal Fun Day; WorldVegetarian Day; Homemade CookiesDay; World Card Making Day

Cape Ann Waldorf School, Beverly,hosts Moraine Farm Open House,10am-3pm; see ad on page 13!

Ipswich Lions Club hosts annualChowderfest at Ipswich Riverwalk,noon-3pm, in EBSCO parking lot,downtown Ipswich. Sample N.E. clamchowder from 8 restaurants, enjoy music,children’s activities, food, celebrity judges& appearances, vendors & more; allproceeds benefit charity. $10pp; children10 + under free. For more info., contactRay Morley at 978.356.2431.

OCTOBER 1 + 2:

Visit Chris’s Farm Stand at SilsbyFarm, 436 Salem St., in Haverhill –every weekend in October from10am-4pm! Featuring Pick Your OwnPumpkin Patch, Hay Castle,Sunflower Maze, Hayrides, PonyRides, Farm Animal Display (free!),Kids’ Games, Haunted House forToddlers (free!), Country BBQ & ourFarm Stand with fresh seasonalvegetables, fall decorations (haybales, cornstalks, mums) and more! No admission fee; some activities arefree as noted. Order your freshThanksgiving Turkey! Come visit the farmwith your family! See ad on page 3!

OCTOBER 3:

Child Health Day; Captain KangarooDay (1st aired 1955)

OCTOBER 4:

World Animal Day

OCTOBER 5:

World Teacher Day; Do Something Nice Day

Thanksgiving Turkey! Come visit the farmwith your family! See ad on page 3!

OCTOBER 9:

Fire Prevention Day; Curious Events Day

36th season begins for Le GrandDavid & His Own Spectacular MagicCompany! $26/adults, $15/childrenunder 12; for ages 4+. Performances atCabot St. Cinema, Beverly.www.legranddavid.com

OCTOBER 10:

Happy Birthday, Cindy Sostak!

Columbus Day

OCTOBER 12:

Sukkot begins at sundown; Full Moon;Moment of Frustration Day; Dia de la Raza; Farmers’ Day

If you need to advertise in theNOVEMBER issue, and if you needour ad production assistance, pleaseconfirm your ad size and submityour ad materials today! You can seeour ad rates, sizes & available discounts atwww.northshorefamilies.com.

Phoenix School Open House, Salem,3:30-4:30pm. Pre-K through 8th grade;see ad on page 13!

OCTOBER 6:

Adult Speaker Series at Cape AnnWaldorf School, Beverly, 7-9pm;Waldorf Education: Can It Meet Today’sChildren – and Help Today’s World?” Facultypresentation & open discussion; see ad onpage 13!

OCTOBER 7:

Yom Kippur begins at sundown; World Smile Day

OCTOBER 8:

The Phoenix School (Salem) OnlineAuction begins at 9pm – ends Nov. 6at 12am; for ages 18+. Great items to bidon at www.biddingforgood.com.

OCTOBER 8 + 9:

Visit Chris’s Farm Stand at SilsbyFarm, 436 Salem St., in Haverhill –every weekend in October from10am-4pm! Featuring Pick Your OwnPumpkin Patch, Hay Castle,Sunflower Maze, Hayrides, PonyRides, Farm Animal Display (free!),Kids’ Games, Haunted House forToddlers (free!), Country BBQ & ourFarm Stand with fresh seasonalvegetables, fall decorations (haybales, cornstalks, mums) and more! No admission fee; some activities arefree as noted. Order your fresh

Community CalendarContinued from page 19

SEPTEMBER 30 – OCTOBER 10:

Page 21: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

North Shore Children & Families 21

Continued on page 22

Last chance to register online for the2nd Annual Melrose Family YMCASpooky Sprint 5K & Monster Bashon Oct. 29th, 7:30-11:30am.www.melroseymca.org

OCTOBER 14:

Advertising Space ReservationDEADLINE at NOON for ADS inour NOVEMBER issue!To advertise, [email protected]!

OCTOBER 15:

Sweetest Day; InternationalNewspaper Carrier Day; Grouch Day;Poetry Day

Open House at Tower School,Marblehead, 9-11am. See ad on page 6!

OCTOBER 15 + 16:

Visit Chris’s Farm Stand at SilsbyFarm, 436 Salem St., in Haverhill –every weekend in October from10am-4pm! Featuring Pick Your OwnPumpkin Patch, Hay Castle,Sunflower Maze, Hayrides, PonyRides, Farm Animal Display (free!),Kids’ Games, Haunted House forToddlers (free!), Country BBQ & ourFarm Stand with fresh seasonalvegetables, fall decorations (hay

bales, cornstalks, mums) and more! No admission fee; some activities arefree as noted. Order your freshThanksgiving Turkey! Come visit the farmwith your family! See ad on page 3!

OCTOBER 16:

Dictionary Day; Boss’s Day; World Food Day

Fall Open House at AustinPreparatory School, Reading, 11am-3pm. See ad on back cover!

OCTOBER 18:

Community Calendar listings’ deadlinefor NOVEMBER issue! Please submityour listings for NOVEMBER eventsdirectly through our website (see beg.of this Calendar for details).

Open School at Waring School,Beverly, 9am-2pm. See ad on page 14!

Open House at Plumfield Academy,Danvers, 10am-noon; for families ofpre-school & grade school children. Visitfaculty, tour facility, explore curriculummaterials, view student samples, discussour philosophy & methodology. See ad onpage 19!

OCTOBER 19:

Evaluate Your Life Day

OCTOBER 20:

Open Classroom at Clark School,Danvers, 9-10:30am. See ad on page 19!

OCTOBER 21 –DEADLINE TO ENTER:

2nd Annual Malden Public LibraryTeen Scary Story Contest! Forstudents in grades 5-12; write an originalmystery, suspenseful thriller, dark teenromance or humorous Halloween tale.Official contest forms & rules are availablein the YA Room at the library; ordownload online & print:http://maldenpubliclibrary.org/blog/teens/.Contest is open to Massachusettsresidents only, one entry per student.Stories (2,600 words or less) must besubmitted in-person or emailed toMs. Barnes by October 21, 2011 at 6 pm. Gift cards & copies of publishedbook with all entries will be awarded to1st, 2nd & 3rd place in the middle school (gr. 5,6,7,8) & high school (gr. 9,10,11,12)categories. For more info., email Ms. Barnes [email protected] or stop by the library.

OCTOBER 22:

Make A Difference Day; Nut Day;Stuttering Awareness Day

Open House at Boston Ballet’sNorth Shore Studio in Marblehead,3-5pm. See ad on page 7!

Children’s Costume Parade & Party,11am-3pm; $10pp for parade &party. Hosted by The PhoenixSchool, Salem. Register on SalemCommon 11-11:45am; parade in costumesat noon; costume party 1-3pm at ThePhoenix School, who has hosted aChildren’s Halloween Costume Party for30 years! All ages welcome – bring yourfriends! www.phoenixschool.org

My Daddy Rocks! 11:30am at TheCommunity House of Hamilton &Wenham; $8pp, Dads are FREE! $25 max.cost/family. Concert with Brian Doser &band for kids of all ages – Moms arewelcome, too! Advance ticket purchaserecommended as space is limited.

OCTOBER 22 + 23:

Visit Chris’s Farm Stand at SilsbyFarm, 436 Salem St., in Haverhill –

Issue Ad Space Deadline Ads Due

November Fri., Oct. 14 Tues., Oct. 18Winter (Dec./Jan.) Fri., Nov. 18 Tues., Nov. 22February Fri., Jan. 20 Tues., Jan. 24

2011 PUBLISHING SCHEDULE

Attention Advertisers: Ask us about our …… “Try Us!” program for new advertisers

… Annual advertising frequency programs… The Annual Planner for Schools program… The North Shore Party Planner program

… Annual Summer Camps & Programs Showcase series

… Service DirectoryTarget your message to North Shore parents.

We’ve got the North Shore covered!

To explore your advertising options or to secure your space, please contact Suzanne at 781.584.4569 or

[email protected] learn more, please visit

www.northshorefamilies.com.

North Shore Children & Families is available for free each month at over 425 family-frequented locations throughout the North Shore!

Page 22: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

22 North Shore Children & Families

Community CalendarContinued from page 21

OCTOBER 22 + 23:

every weekend in October from10am-4pm! Featuring Pick Your OwnPumpkin Patch, Hay Castle,Sunflower Maze, Hayrides, PonyRides, Farm Animal Display (free!),Kids’ Games, Haunted House forToddlers (free!), Country BBQ & ourFarm Stand with fresh seasonalvegetables, fall decorations (haybales, cornstalks, mums) and more! No admission fee; some activities arefree as noted. Order your freshThanksgiving Turkey! Come visit the farmwith your family! See ad on page 3!

OCTOBER 23:

Open House at Cohen HillelAcademy, Marblehead, 1-3pm.See ad on page 21!

OCTOBER 25:

Experience the Waldorf MathCurriculum, 7-8:30pm; focus on mathcurriculum from the Lower Gradesthrough the Middle School. Q&A, see

student work examples. At Cape AnnWaldorf School, Beverly; see ad on page 13!

Open House at Plumfield Academy,Danvers, 10am-noon; for families ofpre-school & grade school children. Visitfaculty, tour facility, explore curriculummaterials, view student samples, discussour philosophy & methodology. See ad on page 19!

Exhibition Night/Open House at ThePhoenix School, Salem, 6:30-7:30pm.Exhibition focus is on Halloween gamesthe older kids have made, our all-schoolSTEAM work (science, technology,engineering, arts, mathematics) & more.See ad on page 13!

OCTOBER 27:

Discover Covenant! Fall AdmissionsOpen House at Covenant ChristianAcademy, W. Peabody, 6-8pm. Meetfaculty, tour our state-of-the-art facility &discover more about classical education;Pre-K – 12th grade. See ad on the backcover!

An Anthology of Stage Magic,7:30pm; $26/adults, $15/children under

12. For ages 4+, featuring Le Grand David& Beverly’s Spectacular Magic Company atThe Larcom Theatre, 13 Wallis St., Beverly.www.legranddavid.com

OCTOBER 29:

Open House at Sparhawk School,Amesbury, 10am-noon. See ad on backcover!

2nd Annual Melrose Family YMCASpooky Sprint 5K & Monster Bash,7:30-11:30am. www.melroseymca.org

OCTOBER 29 + 30:

Visit Chris’s Farm Stand at SilsbyFarm, 436 Salem St., in Haverhill –every weekend in October from10am-4pm! Featuring Pick Your OwnPumpkin Patch, Hay Castle,Sunflower Maze, Hayrides, PonyRides, Farm Animal Display (free!),Kids’ Games, Haunted House forToddlers (free!), Country BBQ & ourFarm Stand with fresh seasonalvegetables, fall decorations (haybales, cornstalks, mums) and more! No admission fee; some activities arefree as noted. Order your freshThanksgiving Turkey! Come visit the farmwith your family! See ad on page 3!

OCTOBER 30:

Candy Corn Day

OCTOBER 31:

Happy Halloween! Carve A PumpkinDay; Increase Your Psychic Powers Day

NOVEMBER 5:

Open House w/Lantern Making atCape Ann Waldorf School, Beverly,10am-noon. Tour classrooms, seestudent work, make a lantern to bringhome, a tradition at Waldorf schoolsworldwide. See ad on page 13!

Open House at Andover School ofMontessori, Andover, 10am-noon.See ad on page 18!

Unbound, Highlights from the PhillipsLibrary at PEM, Salem; opens Nov. 5.See over 30 rare objects including a leaffrom the Gutenberg Bible, originaltranscripts from the Salem witchcrafttrials & more. www.pem.org

NOVEMBER 6:

Admissions Open House at The Pike School, Andover, 1-3pm. See ad on page 16!

Daylight Saving Time ends – fall back,spring ahead! Turn clocks back onehour to 1am at 2am.

Fall Family FunContinued from page 17

18. Start an indoor garden with flowers orherbs and enjoy the greenerythroughout the winter.

19. Visit one of the area cornfield mazesor sunflower mazes and get lost in theoutdoors. (See page 3!)

20. Help older kids plan ways they canhelp neighbors and make some pocketmoney for holiday gifts or expenses byoffering babysitting, mother’s helper,fall yard clean up or winter snowremoval services.

21. Visit a relative or friend that you havebeen meaning to see. If you don’t addthis to your schedule, time willcontinue to pass by until you make ithappen.

22. Share a few hours making homemadecostumes for Halloween (and clearout some old clutter, too!). Gatherold clothes, old makeup, old sheets, oldjewelry – along with some glue andglitter and markers – and create yourown costumes this year.

23. After apple picking at the local farm,make pies and apple crisps together –from scratch!

24. Get your family involved in a localcharity and sacrifice an hour or two

each month to help other local peoplein need, while teaching your childrenan important lesson. You can alsovolunteer to help your elderlyneighbors this fall and winter, byshoveling or perhaps making an extraplate at dinner to take over to sharewith them.

25. Consider inviting another child alongon your family adventures from timeto time. There are many localchildren, including some we may know,who are less fortunate and wouldtruly benefit from joining in yourfamily’s fun.

Most of these suggestions will bring youand your family closer together, many willmake you feel really good – and many arefree or very inexpensive. And several notonly unite your family, they also providean invaluable learning experience: how tocare about and for others, as well asourselves. It just takes a few hours andoccasionally a tank of gas a week. Thereare no good excuses not to try – and noone is that busy that they can’t find a fewhours to spend with those they lovemost, especially while having so much fun!

I hope that you and your family enjoysome family fun this autumn on the North Shore!

Until Next Time ~ Suzanne

Page 23: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

CHILD DAY CARE

Miss Wendy’s ChildcareSalem

F/T infant openings!See ad on page 18!

North Shore Children & Families 23

Harborlight MontessoriBeverly

978.922.1008www.harborlightmontessori.org

The Pike SchoolAndover

978.475.1197www.pikeschool.org

The Phoenix SchoolSalem

978.741.0870www.phoenixschool.org

Plumfield AcademyDanvers

978.304.0273www.plumfieldacademy.org

Shore Country Day SchoolBeverly

978.927.1700www.shoreschool.org

Sparhawk SchoolAmesbury

978.388.5354www.sparhawkschool.com

Stoneridge Children'sMontessori School

Beverly978.927.0700

www.stoneridgecms.org

Tower SchoolMarblehead

781.631.5800www.towerschool.org

Waring SchoolBeverly

978.927.8793www.waringschool.org

Service Directory

SCHOOLS

SCHOOLSART INSTRUCTION

DENTAL CARE

ENTERTAINMENT

DANCE INSTRUCTION

TUTORING

TheArtRoomTopsfield

978.887.8809www.theartroomstudio.com

MUSIC INSTRUCTION

FUN & FITNESS

Ibáñez MusicBeverly

978.998.4464www.ibanezmusic.com

Andover Pediatric DentistryAndover & Lawrence

Locationswww.andoverpediatricdentistry.com

Malden Family DentalMalden

781.388.0900www.malden-familydental.com

Drs. Merle, Zicherman & Associates

Peabody & Lynnwww.mzdental.com

Northside Dental CarePeabody

978.535.8244www.northside-dentalcare.com

EARLY EDUCATION

Little SproutsSeveral North Shore Locations

877.977.7688www.littlesprouts.com

Next Generation Children’s CentersLocations include Andover & Beverly

866.711.NGCCwww.ngccenters.com

FAMILY FUN

Pumpkin Festival - Weekendsin Oct. at Chris's Farm Stand,

HaverhillSee ad on page 3!

Bay State DanceMedford, Stoneham, No. Reading

978.270.9983www.baystatedance.com

Andover Schoolof Montessori

Andover978.475.2299

www.andovermontessori.org

Austin Preparatory SchoolReading

781.944.4900www.austinprepschool.org

Brookwood SchoolManchester

978.526.4500www.brookwood.edu

Cape Ann Waldorf SchoolBeverly

978.927.1936www.capeannwaldorf.org

Clark SchoolDanvers

978.777.4699www.clarkschool.com

Cohen Hillel AcademyMarblehead

781.639.2880www.cohenhillel.org

Covenant Christian AcademyWest Peabody978.535.7100

www.covenantchristianacademy.org

Glen Urquhart SchoolBeverly Farms978.927.1064www.gus.org

Green InfusionEnvironmental presentations for schools, fairs & events!www.green-infusion.com

Marblehead Little Theatrepresents Oliver!

See ad on page 2!

Boston Ballet School/NS StudioMarblehead

781.456.6380www.bostonballet.org/school

A+ Reading CenterReading Tutor/Individual Lessons

Serving the North Shore781.799.2598

[email protected]

To advertise, contact Suzanne [email protected]

November issue ad space reservation deadline is October 14!

The Little GymDanvers and Woburn

www.tlgdanversma.comwww.tlgwoburnma.com

North Shore Yoga StudioBeverly

978.857.9063www.northshoreyogastudio.com

Roller World Skating CenterSaugus

781.231.1111www.roller-world.com

Page 24: North Shore Children & Families October 2011

Fall Open House DateSunday, October 16, 2011

11:00am to 3:00pm

Fall Entrance Exam DatesSaturday, November 12, 2011 8:30am

Saturday, December 10, 2011 8:30am

Registration Deadlines:November Exam – Thursday, November 10, 2011

December Exam – Thursday, December 8, 2011Registration Online!

Application Deadline:Applications should be Postmarked no later

than Friday, December 16, 2011.