NICE GIRLS JUST DON'T GET IT: 99 WAYS TO WIN THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE, THE SUCCESS

YOU'VE EARNED, AND THE LIFE YOU WANT

BY LOIS P. FRANKEL AND CAROL FROHLINGER

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Consider these differences between nice girls and winning women:

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SCORESHEET Instructions for Scoring

1. Enter your ratings to each of the statements in the boxes (the number in each box corresponds to the statement number). 2. Add your ratings down in each column to determine the specific areas that require your attention if you are to achieve your life goals. The items you rated as 1 or 2 are those on which you should focus most closely at the current time. You may want to listen to the section corresponding to your lowest column score first. 3. Add the column totals across to determine your overall score.

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Analyzing Your Score

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A model called the Johari window (developed by psychologists Joe Luft and Harry Ingham) can help you to pinpoint and understand your Achilles’ heel (sometimes referred to as a blind spot, because of our chronic difficulty in seeing it). As you can see in the diagram of this model, there are four aspects to our public personas:

Box 1, the “public arena,” is what we allow others to know about us. Box 2 represents our “blind spot” or “Achilles’ heel.” Box 3 is our “façade.” Box 4 is the “unknown” or “unconscious.”

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MBTI® PREFERENCES Modified and reproduced by special permission of the publisher, CPP, Inc., Mountain View, California 94043, from the ‘Introduction to Type,’ 6th ed., booklet by Isabel Briggs Myers, as revised by Linda K. Kirby and Katharine D. Myers. Copyright 1998 by CPP, Inc. All rights reserved. Further reproduction is prohibited without the publisher’s written consent.

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In any given situation, identifying a SMART outcome that will satisfy your interests is the first step to take. Borrowed from the business world and adapted for our use, SMART outcomes are: specific, measurable, appropriate, realistic, and timelined.

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Think about any sport. Are games won by playing squarely in the middle of the playing field? Nope. They’re won at the edge. Take tennis, for example. If you continually hit the ball smack dab in the middle of your opponent’s court, you won’t win many points. It’s too easy for your opponent to return the ball. But when you hit the ball to the edge of the far corner, the shot has a better chance of being a winner.

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Here are a few examples of how martyrdom plays out in different situations. See if you recognize yourself or anyone you know.

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When your expectations differ from those of someone with whom you want to reach an agreement, think about how you can use facts to resolve your differences more easily.

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Regardless of your audience or your message, using headlines and taglines in this way will help to organize your thoughts, present them in a way that is understandable to the listener, and increase the likelihood of being heard.

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There are two kinds of questions—open-ended and closed-ended. Closed-ended questions can be answered with one word (usually yes or no) or a phrase (such as, “I don’t know”). Open-ended questions, on the other hand, are designed to invite a more useful response.

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According to Wikipedia, a trial balloon is a small piece of information you use to gauge the reaction of an audience. Adapted from the worlds of politics and business for our purposes, it can be thought of as a way to “test the water” about a solution or idea before diving in.

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Each of the shapes represents a communication style. None of us speaks entirely in one style or another—we all use elements of all four, but most people tend to lean toward one.

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The Reasoner is influenced by data, facts, and figures. Just as the square shape suggests, Reasoners are stable, even-tempered, and somewhat self-contained.

The People Person is influenced by values, tradition, and how they and others feel about an idea you present. As the circle suggests, the People Person tends to roll with the punches and go with the flow.

The Doer is influenced by how quickly and efficiently an idea can be expressed and implemented. As the triangle suggests, the Doer wants you to get to the point quickly.

The Innovator is influenced by unique ideas and the complexity of how fact meets opportunity, particularly as it impacts the future. As the nonconforming, open shape suggests, Innovators are often nontraditional and don’t like to be constrained by what’s worked in the past.

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D = Describe why you’re having the conversation. E = Explain your point of view and elicit the other person’s perspective. S = Summarize what you heard and specify what you would like to see happen in the future. C = Conclude with consequences (either positive or negative, depending on the situation).

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Winning women also keep things on a positive note by avoiding what we call “red flag” words and phrasing.

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In The Art of SpeedReading People, Paul Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger describe four temperaments drawn from the sixteen personality types included in the MBTI® instrument, shown here.

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Chart your network. Using the diagram provided as a template, fill in the actual names of people in your network. Keep it in a place where you can refer to it regularly as a reminder that not only do you have resources available to you, but you have the responsibility of being a resource to them, as well.

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Pretend you’re at an auction where the values in the following chart are up for bid and you have only $100 to spend. Put a check mark next to the items you would bid for.

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