Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships

Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships

Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

DefinitionsDefinitions

Polygamy - More Than One Spouse Polygyny - More Than One Wife Polyandry - More Than One Husband

Monogamy - One Spouse Does not preclude sexual fidelity

Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates Polyamory - Consensual Multiple Committed

Loving Relationships

Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory

Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory

Compersion loving empathy for one’s partner being

loved/engaged by others New Relationship Energy (NRE)

Limerence Other Significant Other (OSO) Primary, Secondary, Tertiary

maintain social family hierarchy Polyfidelity

sexually faithful to one’s family

Poly ConfigurationsPoly Configurations

Open Couple Independent SinglePrimary and Secondary PartnersMultiple Primary PartnersTriad -- V or Quad Intimate Network

Poly PlayersPoly Players94.3% WhiteHighly EducatedScience Fiction Aficionados

Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s)Utopian SwingersFrustrated by Monogamy Independent Idealists

Poly Cultural PracticesPoly Cultural Practices

New partners incorporated for novelty NOT to displace/replace long term ones

Disinterest in Western culture’s celebration of “the one.”

NRE viewed as a temporary state, not a reason to disrupt one’s home life. Avoidance of romantic love roller coasters

Human Reproductive StrategiesHuman Reproductive Strategies Sexy Son Hypothesis (Buss, 1994) Partible Paternity (Hrdy, 1999) Serial Monogamy (Fisher, 1994)

Adultery-Divorce-Remarriage Cycle Lover in the Wings 2-4 year Divorce Cycle

Polygamy Polygyny Polyandry

Stages of Romantic LoveStages of Romantic Love Lust

sexual interest -- love at first sight testosterone

Attraction love sick, exhilaration, infatuation, NRE dopamine, norepinephrine

Attachment stability, tranquility, peace oxytocin, vasopressin

Detachment withdrawal, boredom

Brain ChemistryBrain Chemistry

Romantic Love raises dopamine and norepinephrine levels favoritism (unwavering focus on “the one”) obsession with details possessiveness/mate guarding

High Serotonin levels can function to inoculate individuals from romantic love roller coasters. little need to be validated from the confirmation

of mutual love

Incidence of Romantic LoveIncidence of Romantic Love

A Human Universal found in nearly all non-Western societies Not a Western cultural artifact!

Considered different from Sexual Lust Can be suicidal when advances are not

reciprocatedSubject to high levels of Jealousy

Pair BondingPair BondingBanned by Oneida and Kerista

Focused on group love Starling brothers and sisters Discouraged investment in NRE

Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie?Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie? Its very possible to be in lust with many

partners Its possible to be in the attachment phase

with multiple partners The attraction phase may be largely a mono-

experience Rare instances of falling in love with a couple

Sex-Love Jealousy Biological Roots

males fear being deceived into raising a child that is not biologically theirs.

Cultural Roots may be largely a product of cultural learning, being

barely present amongst the Inuit, Marquesans and Keristans

Economic Roots females fear that their partner’s time, energy and

resources will be directed outside of their home and their children.

Kinds of JealousyKinds of Jealousy

Possessive Jealousy Exclusion Jealousy

feeling left out, deprived of time/attention Competition Jealousy

feeling inadequate comparing oneself Ego Jealousy

feeling others will judge them as inadequate for sharing a lover

Fear Jealousy anxiety that partner will leave permanently

Jealousy and MonogamyJealousy and Monogamy

Jealousy is seen as a sign of intense or “true” love.

Financial penalties for divorce reflect economic and domestic possessiveness

Jealousy occurs when displacement or replacement is feared

Jealousy and PolygynyJealousy and Polygyny Occurs when resources can be divided

unevenly Can happen when visiting times are

unequal Can arise when favoritism is suspected Can occur when it is not chosen by the

wives switching from monogamy to polygyny co-wives that don’t get along

Ways Swinging Limits Jealousy

Taste but Don’t Surrender No elaborate Seduction

Limited Sharing Preserve Social/Legal Monogamy

Safer Sex Viral and Emotional Avoid Engaging Highly Attractive Players

Polyamory and JealousyPolyamory and Jealousy

It requires personal growth to transform into no longer being jealous (Nearing)

Polyamory is a more advanced form of relationship for those prepared to evolve beyond monogamy (Anapol)

You can change the way you experience jealousy (Easton & Liszt)

Polyamory and Jealousy StudyPolyamory and Jealousy Study

229 questionnaires received 140 questionnaires evaluated

focussed on those that engaged in poly style dating

swingers who just engage others as a couple at sex parties were not included

created an11-point compersion index drawing from six compersion measures.

Research ObjectivesResearch ObjectivesGather information on how poly people

construct their social, emotional and sexual lives

Explore ways poly people address/ resolve jealousy provoking situations

Evaluate social and behavioral factors that might predict compersiveness

Data LimitationsData LimitationsFilling out a questionnaire over a 15-

minute period of time offers only a brief emotional snap shot

Most participants were ideologically inclined towards the logic of polyamory (re: Compersion Index)

Questionnaire most coherent to those living as an “open couple.”

OverviewOverview58 males82 femalesPeak Baby Boomers

male median age -- 45 female median age -- 43

Ages in 2002

0

10

20

30

40

50

60 Wolfe

Cosmo

Cavallero

Larsen

Schubach

Caust

Gilmartin

Compersion MeasuresCompersion Measures

Watching a partner being sexual with someone else

Being Watched by One’s Partner… Feelings about partner spending the night

with other lovers What happens when partner returns… Impact of poly dating on home relationship Change relationship agreements?

Compersion IndexCompersion Index11 point scaleMedian 9.12Only 7.9% less then 7.Compersive thinking is largely the norm

for the people who participated in this survey

Survey Conclusions Survey Conclusions Prior social, emotional and sexual

independence did not preclude successful adaptation to polyamory

Over 70% reported that practicing polyamory had increased their self-esteem and their love for their home partner

Upwards of 90% contended that being poly had afforded them a better perspective both on themselves and on their partners.

Statistically Significant CorrelationsStatistically Significant CorrelationsMales more compersive than females

greater number of partners per year--less attachment--sense of abundance

Those who report that they love each of their lovers equally embrace poly ideology

Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently more substantial inner life

Actualizing Compersion /Negotiating JealousyActualizing Compersion /Negotiating Jealousy Developed Inner Life

masturbation, spirituality, meditation Full Plate Life

busy with work, family, lovers Extended Family of Choice

Believe in Poly Ideology Celebrate Starling Relationships There is not just one “one”

High Serotonin Uptake Fears of Loss not actualized.

New loves did not displace/replace partners

The Polyamory BlurThe Polyamory Blur Limit NRE elevating experiences

Reduces emotional spectrum Embrace Compersive Thinking

Tolerate partners’ other loves Serial Monogamy may be practiced in slow

motion. Averts dramatic breakups / divorce

Engage in “Polyarmory” Control partners’ activities Avoid non-poly romantic engagements