myths about custody and domestic violence

Myths About Myths About Custody and Custody and

Domestic ViolenceDomestic ViolenceJoyanna Silberg, Ph. D.Joyanna Silberg, Ph. D.

Oct 23, 2009Oct 23, 2009

Domestic Violence in Domestic Violence in Families, DC CourtsFamilies, DC Courts

October 20, 2009October 20, 2009Peoria mother whose body was found Friday Peoria mother whose body was found Friday had recently tried to leave Arizona after had recently tried to leave Arizona after receiving threats from her apparent slayer, receiving threats from her apparent slayer,

but a judge denied her request, court but a judge denied her request, court records show. Court records show Padilla records show. Court records show Padilla granted Axsom a protective order against granted Axsom a protective order against

Schwartz four days before the Oct. 6 hearing Schwartz four days before the Oct. 6 hearing where he ordered her to attend parental where he ordered her to attend parental

counseling with him and denied her request counseling with him and denied her request to relocate to Maryland with the pair’s son.to relocate to Maryland with the pair’s son.

3 Children Found Slain in Baltimore Hotel 3 Children Found Slain in Baltimore Hotel RoomRoom

Silver Spring Father Is in Police Custody; Silver Spring Father Is in Police Custody; He Was Involved in Custody DisputeHe Was Involved in Custody Dispute

By Daniel de Vise and Elissa SilvermanBy Daniel de Vise and Elissa SilvermanWashington Post Staff WritersWashington Post Staff WritersMonday, March 31, 2008; B01Monday, March 31, 2008; B01

Three young children from Three young children from Montgomery County were found slain in a hotel room in were found slain in a hotel room in

Baltimore yesterday, shortly after their yesterday, shortly after their father called the front desk to report that father called the front desk to report that he had killed them, Baltimore police said.he had killed them, Baltimore police said.

The father, Mark Castillo, 41, of The father, Mark Castillo, 41, of Silver Spring, was in police custody at a , was in police custody at a

Baltimore hospital last night. Court records Baltimore hospital last night. Court records available online show that he was involved available online show that he was involved in divorce and child custody proceedings in divorce and child custody proceedings

with the children's mother, Amy A. Castillo, with the children's mother, Amy A. Castillo, 42, a pediatrician in suburban 42, a pediatrician in suburban Maryland..

Police think man killed his 2 children, himselfRegional Digest

Originally published April 4, 2007

A mother discovered the bodies of her two young children and their father yesterday afternoon in a wooded area of Montgomery County, an incident that police are calling an apparent

murder-suicide. The mother called police at 3:11 p.m. to report "a possible suicide," after the children's father called her and was seemingly distraught over their relationship, said Montgomery County

Police Officer Melanie Hadley. The father had called the mother yesterday and threatened "to harm their children," police said, and told her he would be in the area.

Domestic abuse: Monroe tragedy is chilling reminder

Local agencies work to educate community about violence in relationships

Marsha [email protected]

In the first six months of last year, 11 people in Louisiana died in murder-suicide events, according to a report from the

Violence Policy Center, a national nonprofit focused on violence prevention education.Wednesday's news of a double murder-suicide in Monroe was a painful reminder of the

horrific plight women trapped in abuse face.

Are these tragedies Are these tragedies preventable?preventable?

The Committee for Justice The Committee for Justice for Womenfor Women

North CarolinaNorth CarolinaStudied custody awards in Orange County, Studied custody awards in Orange County, NC over a 5 year period between 1983 NC over a 5 year period between 1983 and 1987. They reported thatand 1987. They reported that

““...in all contested custody cases, 84% ...in all contested custody cases, 84% of the fathers in the study were of the fathers in the study were granted sole or mandated joint custody.granted sole or mandated joint custody.

In all cases where sole custody was In all cases where sole custody was awarded, fathers were awarded custody awarded, fathers were awarded custody in 79% of the cases. in 79% of the cases.

In 26% of the cases fathers were either In 26% of the cases fathers were either proven or alleged to have physically proven or alleged to have physically and sexually abused their children.”and sexually abused their children.”

By understanding hidden By understanding hidden myths embedded in myths embedded in

societal thinking which societal thinking which supports the power of supports the power of

thetheabuser.abuser.

Myths About Men who Batter Myths About Men who Batter and Seek Custodyand Seek Custody

These are just high conflict These are just high conflict situations.situations.

They have the children’s welfare at They have the children’s welfare at heart.heart.

You can tell an abuser by a look, a You can tell an abuser by a look, a profile, a test.profile, a test.

Allegations are drummed up as Allegations are drummed up as strategystrategy..

..

Myth 1: These are just Myth 1: These are just high conflict high conflict situations.situations.

Custody Battle Ends in Double Murder-SuicideCustody Battle Ends in Double Murder-Suicide

Posted: Mar. 12, 2007 Posted: Mar. 12, 2007

Clayton, North Carolina — A father and two Clayton, North Carolina — A father and two children were found dead Monday afternoon at children were found dead Monday afternoon at a Johnston County home in what authorities a Johnston County home in what authorities are calling a double murder and suicide.are calling a double murder and suicide.Authorities said Steven Henry, 35, from Authorities said Steven Henry, 35, from Garner, shot his 6-year-old daughter, Garner, shot his 6-year-old daughter,

Ashley, and 4-year-old son, Gregory, before Ashley, and 4-year-old son, Gregory, before turning a gun on himself.turning a gun on himself.

The slayings occurred outside the home of The slayings occurred outside the home of Dawn Henry -- Steven Henry's estranged wife Dawn Henry -- Steven Henry's estranged wife and the children's mother -- on Vinson Road and the children's mother -- on Vinson Road

between Clayton and Wilson's Mills, between Clayton and Wilson's Mills, authorities said.authorities said.

Custody Battle Ends in Double Custody Battle Ends in Double Murder-SuicideMurder-Suicide

. . . . . . . . The couple was The couple was engaged in a bitter custody engaged in a bitter custody

battle, authorities saidbattle, authorities said, and , and Dawn Henry contacted the Dawn Henry contacted the Johnston County Sheriff's Johnston County Sheriff's

Office Monday morning after Office Monday morning after seeing her estranged seeing her estranged

husband's car in her driveway husband's car in her driveway

as she was returning homeas she was returning home

Percentage of custody Percentage of custody cases that are referred cases that are referred

for trial: 20% for trial: 20%

Domestic violence is Domestic violence is alleged in 75% of alleged in 75% of those, and often those, and often multiple abuse multiple abuse allegations.allegations.

APA PRESIDENTIALTASK APA PRESIDENTIALTASK FORCE, 1996FORCE, 1996

Studies suggest that batterers Studies suggest that batterers are more likely than are are more likely than are nonbattering fathers to seek nonbattering fathers to seek custody, especially of sons, custody, especially of sons, and are as likely as are and are as likely as are nonbattering fathers to nonbattering fathers to prevail.prevail.

Shifting the ParadigmShifting the Paradigm

Sorry, Mam, I can’t treat Sorry, Mam, I can’t treat your black eye until I hear your black eye until I hear the mugger’s side of the the mugger’s side of the story.story.

Courtesy of Courtesy of Muggers for Muggers for JusticeJustice






..

Myth 2: They both have Myth 2: They both have the children’s welfare the children’s welfare

at heart.at heart.

A police SWAT team would later find A police SWAT team would later find Hoffine dead, a suicide, about 10 Hoffine dead, a suicide, about 10 hourshours after he ambushed and fired after he ambushed and fired

multiple shots into Evan as the boy multiple shots into Evan as the boy was running with his high school was running with his high school

cross-country team and coach in Ocean cross-country team and coach in Ocean Beach. Beach.

The murder-suicide came a week after The murder-suicide came a week after Hoffine was served with a court order Hoffine was served with a court order demanding he stay away from his son demanding he stay away from his son

and Evan's mother. and Evan's mother. It also ordered him to surrender the It also ordered him to surrender the

four guns he owned. four guns he owned.

Union Tribune, Sept 6, 2003Union Tribune, Sept 6, 2003

In requesting the In requesting the restraining order, Nash restraining order, Nash had told the court that had told the court that

Evan had told his Evan had told his therapist of threats therapist of threats from his dad, threats from his dad, threats

to kill Evan and to kill Evan and himself. It was the himself. It was the

therapist, Nash said, therapist, Nash said, who urged her to seek who urged her to seek

the court order. the court order.

Meanwhile, the rancor Meanwhile, the rancor between Nash and Hoffine between Nash and Hoffine may have been affecting may have been affecting

Evan. Evan.

"His father seemed to care "His father seemed to care very much about him and very much about him and stayed involved," said stayed involved," said Alexis Lukas, supervisor Alexis Lukas, supervisor

of an anti-violence of an anti-violence program in which Evan was program in which Evan was active. "Evan loved his active. "Evan loved his

father." father."

Why is it important to Why is it important to recognize purposeful harm recognize purposeful harm

of children?of children? Children are put at great risk Children are put at great risk physically and emotionally.physically and emotionally.

The custody evaluator’s The custody evaluator’s assessment may be the main assessment may be the main source for all future decision-source for all future decision-making for child. If missed making for child. If missed then, child will never be safe.then, child will never be safe.

Are these patterns rare? Are these patterns rare? No.No.

Part and parcel of litigation Part and parcel of litigation strategy for those accused of strategy for those accused of DV.DV.

DV allegations arise in 75% of DV allegations arise in 75% of contested custody.contested custody.

Domestic Violence by Domestic Violence by ProxyProxy

A batterer with a history of A batterer with a history of using domestic violence or using domestic violence or intimidation uses the child as intimidation uses the child as a substitute when he no longer a substitute when he no longer has access to his victim, the has access to his victim, the former partnerformer partner


. He sees clearly that the . He sees clearly that the easiest way to continue to hurt easiest way to continue to hurt her is to assert his legal her is to assert his legal rights to control access to the rights to control access to the child of his former partner. child of his former partner.


Then by emotionally torturing Then by emotionally torturing the child and severing the the child and severing the child’s bond with the mother, child’s bond with the mother, he harms his intended victim, he harms his intended victim, the child’s mother, in a way the child’s mother, in a way she cannot resist. she cannot resist.


This gives him the powerful This gives him the powerful tool his is seeking to continue tool his is seeking to continue to stalk, harass and batter to stalk, harass and batter even without direct access to even without direct access to her. her.

What are the Tactics What are the Tactics Used?Used?

Threats of harm if the child shows Threats of harm if the child shows positive bonds to the mother.positive bonds to the mother.

Physical or sexual abuse. Physical or sexual abuse. Emotional torture: Your mother hates Emotional torture: Your mother hates you and wanted an abortion.you and wanted an abortion.

Destroying favored possessions.Destroying favored possessions.Coaching the child to lie about Coaching the child to lie about mother. mother.

Creating false documents.Creating false documents.Isolating the child from normal Isolating the child from normal contacts. contacts.

Differences Between Dv by Differences Between Dv by Proxy and Parental Proxy and Parental

Alienation Alienation Parental Alienation is covert, Parental Alienation is covert, subtle and unconscious.subtle and unconscious.

DV by Proxy is overt, conscious, DV by Proxy is overt, conscious, acts are illegal or abusive.acts are illegal or abusive.

Parental Alienation has not been Parental Alienation has not been able to be tested as the processes able to be tested as the processes are unobservable.are unobservable.

DV By Proxy strongly associated DV By Proxy strongly associated with history of abuse, can be with history of abuse, can be measured. measured.

We don’t recognize harm We don’t recognize harm inflicted on purpose inflicted on purpose

because:because: Custody evaluators tend to Custody evaluators tend to assume both sides are well assume both sides are well meaning.meaning.

Psychopaths are skilled at Psychopaths are skilled at impression management.impression management.

For “good people”, it is a leap For “good people”, it is a leap to imagine anyone would do to imagine anyone would do this.this.

Use of LitigationUse of Litigation

To sever the bondTo sever the bond To retaliate by impoverishing.To retaliate by impoverishing. To retaliate by harrassing.To retaliate by harrassing. To retaliate by putting the To retaliate by putting the mother in jail.mother in jail.

Child on plane screamed 'Mommy Child on plane screamed 'Mommy come get me!'come get me!'March 7, 2007March 7, 2007

BEDFORD, Indiana (AP) -- "BEDFORD, Indiana (AP) -- "I've I've got her, and you're not going to got her, and you're not going to

get herget her."."Beth Johnson heard those words Beth Johnson heard those words from her ex-husband Monday, from her ex-husband Monday,

shortly before he crashed his shortly before he crashed his rented single-engine plane into rented single-engine plane into

his former mother-in-law's his former mother-in-law's southern Indiana home, killing southern Indiana home, killing

himself and the couple's 8-year-himself and the couple's 8-year-old daughter.old daughter.

On the morning of Sept. 9, 1999, On the morning of Sept. 9, 1999, Maryland State Police troopers found Maryland State Police troopers found Richie dead inside the Jeep that Richie dead inside the Jeep that

Richard Spicknall had driven to the Richard Spicknall had driven to the bridge over the Choptank River. bridge over the Choptank River.

Though nine hours had passed since Though nine hours had passed since Spicknall shot the children, Destiny Spicknall shot the children, Destiny was struggling to breathe, troopers was struggling to breathe, troopers

said.said.In the taped interview that caused In the taped interview that caused Lisa Spicknall to run from the Lisa Spicknall to run from the courtroom, he said he was so courtroom, he said he was so

devastated by the breakup of his devastated by the breakup of his family that he decided to commit family that he decided to commit

suicide but shot his children first suicide but shot his children first because he thought, "because he thought, "There's no way There's no way I'm leaving my children." Later in I'm leaving my children." Later in

the interview, he said he killed them the interview, he said he killed them because he didn't want to see them because he didn't want to see them

grow up in a new familygrow up in a new familyWashington Post, July 5, 2006Washington Post, July 5, 2006






..

Myth 3: You can tell an Myth 3: You can tell an abuser by a look, a abuser by a look, a profile, a test.profile, a test.

Pace said Johnson threatened his wife Pace said Johnson threatened his wife with a gun last summer in an effort with a gun last summer in an effort to change her mind about the divorce. to change her mind about the divorce.

Mary Webb, who lived across from the Mary Webb, who lived across from the Johnsons for about 12 years, . . . .Johnsons for about 12 years, . . . ."He said, 'I wouldn't hurt her, I "He said, 'I wouldn't hurt her, I wouldn't do that,' and I took his wouldn't do that,' and I took his word for it," Webb said. "word for it," Webb said. "He didn't He didn't seem like that type of person at seem like that type of person at

all."all."Webb said Johnson moved out in the Webb said Johnson moved out in the

fall under police supervision and was fall under police supervision and was "very bitter about the divorce." He "very bitter about the divorce." He wanted custody of Emily but said he wanted custody of Emily but said he would settle for visitation rights, would settle for visitation rights,

she saidshe said

Mack has failed fathers Mack has failed fathers everywhere everywhere

By DEAN TONG By DEAN TONG SPECIAL TO THE REVIEW-JOURNAL “He had just SPECIAL TO THE REVIEW-JOURNAL “He had just

completed a day's worth of tests I completed a day's worth of tests I recommended to measure his propensity for recommended to measure his propensity for

violence and abuse.violence and abuse.As expected at the time, As expected at the time, he passed all the he passed all the

tests with flying colors.tests with flying colors.Mack's test results in the summer of 2005 Mack's test results in the summer of 2005 were encouraging. were encouraging. He claimed his wife and He claimed his wife and her very aggressive and competent attorney her very aggressive and competent attorney were drumming up a story to gain the upper were drumming up a story to gain the upper

hand in their demands for custody and hand in their demands for custody and assetsassets.” .”

American Bar American Bar AssociationAssociation

““Custody litigation frequently becomes Custody litigation frequently becomes a vehicle whereby batterers attempt to a vehicle whereby batterers attempt to extend or maintain their control and extend or maintain their control and authority over the abused parents authority over the abused parents after separation.… Be aware that many after separation.… Be aware that many perpetrators of domestic violence are perpetrators of domestic violence are facile manipulators, presenting facile manipulators, presenting themselves as caring, cooperative themselves as caring, cooperative parents and casting the abused parent parents and casting the abused parent as a diminished, conflict-inciting, as a diminished, conflict-inciting, impulsive or over-protective parent.”impulsive or over-protective parent.”

How Do the Falsely How Do the Falsely Accused Act?Accused Act?

Continue to focus on child’s best Continue to focus on child’s best interest.interest.

Seek experts in therapy and sexual Seek experts in therapy and sexual abuse.abuse.

Open to exploratory sessions with the Open to exploratory sessions with the child.child.

Do not put lawyers between therapist Do not put lawyers between therapist and themselves.and themselves.

Do not minimize the child’s need for Do not minimize the child’s need for the mother, even if they dislike the the mother, even if they dislike the mother. mother.

How Do the Guilty Act?How Do the Guilty Act?

They use their anger as a weapon to They use their anger as a weapon to legitamize silencing any critics.legitamize silencing any critics.

They blame, attack, diagnose the They blame, attack, diagnose the character of the mother, and do character of the mother, and do everything to interfere with everything to interfere with child’s attachment to mother. child’s attachment to mother.

Allow their lawyer to make all Allow their lawyer to make all decisions, communications with decisions, communications with therapists. therapists.

Interviewing the Interviewing the Perpetrator of DV by ProxyPerpetrator of DV by Proxy Their greatest skill is manipulating Their greatest skill is manipulating others.others.

Psychologists are their easiest prey.Psychologists are their easiest prey. Flattery or threats, whichever they Flattery or threats, whichever they sense will work.sense will work.

Playing up the victim role is their Playing up the victim role is their key ploy.key ploy.

Partial denials.Partial denials. Non-abusive fathers do not want to Non-abusive fathers do not want to sever child’s bond with mother.sever child’s bond with mother.

PEOPLE MISUNDERSTAND THE PEOPLE MISUNDERSTAND THE MANIPULATIVE ANGER AND MANIPULATIVE ANGER AND PROTESTS OF A GUILTY PROTESTS OF A GUILTY

BATTERERBATTERERAS RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION AS RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION OVER A FALSE ACCUSATIONOVER A FALSE ACCUSATION

How can you tell?How can you tell?

The behaviors are surprisingly The behaviors are surprisingly similar between cases.similar between cases.

Children cannot make these up Children cannot make these up easily.easily.

With history of alleged DV With history of alleged DV towards mother, be suspicious.towards mother, be suspicious.

Wonder who is benefiting from Wonder who is benefiting from the litigation?the litigation?

Past HistoryPast History Pattern usually begins when wife is Pattern usually begins when wife is pregnant.pregnant.

Physical violence or coercive control Physical violence or coercive control more overt after birth of child.more overt after birth of child.

Unusual childrearing for purpose of Unusual childrearing for purpose of asserting control and breaking the asserting control and breaking the bond.bond.

When mother ready to leave, threat When mother ready to leave, threat she will never see her child again: a she will never see her child again: a dream come true, can inflict more dream come true, can inflict more pain than her realized.pain than her realized.

Interviewing the Interviewing the childrenchildren

Does your Mommy tell lies?Does your Mommy tell lies? Does your Daddy tell lies?Does your Daddy tell lies? What lies do they tell?What lies do they tell? What does Mommy think of Daddy?What does Mommy think of Daddy? What does Daddy think of Mommy?What does Daddy think of Mommy? Requiring parent to enable Requiring parent to enable truth in your presence.truth in your presence.

Interviewing the Interviewing the Perpetrator of DV by ProxyPerpetrator of DV by Proxy Their greatest skill is manipulating Their greatest skill is manipulating others.others.

Psychologists are their easiest prey.Psychologists are their easiest prey. Flattery or threats, whichever they Flattery or threats, whichever they sense will work.sense will work.

Playing up the victim role is their Playing up the victim role is their key ploy.key ploy.

Partial denials.Partial denials. Non-abusive fathers do not want to Non-abusive fathers do not want to sever child’s bond with mother.sever child’s bond with mother.

The Sociopath Next Door The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stoutby Martha Stout

Aggression then crying for Aggression then crying for sympathy and taking the role of sympathy and taking the role of the victim are the key clues.the victim are the key clues.

The victim stance works with The victim stance works with lawyers, the public, the lawyers, the public, the battered woman, evaluators, and battered woman, evaluators, and judges.judges.

Myth 4: Allegations Are Myth 4: Allegations Are Drummed up As a Drummed up As a

StrategyStrategy

Mack has failed fathers Mack has failed fathers everywhere everywhere

By DEAN TONG By DEAN TONG SPECIAL TO THE REVIEW-JOURNAL “He had just SPECIAL TO THE REVIEW-JOURNAL “He had just

completed a day's worth of tests I completed a day's worth of tests I recommended to measure his propensity for recommended to measure his propensity for

violence and abuse.violence and abuse.As expected at the time, As expected at the time, he passed all the he passed all the

tests with flying colors.tests with flying colors.Mack's test results in the summer of 2005 Mack's test results in the summer of 2005 were encouraging. were encouraging. He claimed his wife and He claimed his wife and her very aggressive and competent attorney her very aggressive and competent attorney were drumming up a story to gain the upper were drumming up a story to gain the upper

hand in their demands for custody and hand in their demands for custody and assetsassets.” .”

Dear Editor,Dear Editor,I was incredulous at thje self-justifying I was incredulous at thje self-justifying

arrogance of Dean Tong's article of Jun. 27, 2006, arrogance of Dean Tong's article of Jun. 27, 2006, "Mack has failed fathers everywhere." How shocking "Mack has failed fathers everywhere." How shocking

that Dean Tong continues to claim that his that Dean Tong continues to claim that his evaluation was correct, and that Mrs. Mack's fears evaluation was correct, and that Mrs. Mack's fears

of Mr. Mack were unwarranted, even after she of Mr. Mack were unwarranted, even after she has been stabbed to death, presumably, by the object has been stabbed to death, presumably, by the object of her fear. How gullible does he think your readers of her fear. How gullible does he think your readers are? It is clear to anyone with common sense that are? It is clear to anyone with common sense that

Mr. Tong was WRONG ABOUT MR. MACK. Mr. Tong's faulty Mr. Tong was WRONG ABOUT MR. MACK. Mr. Tong's faulty evaluation in which he ignored obvious signs of evaluation in which he ignored obvious signs of

instability and domestic violence have contributed instability and domestic violence have contributed to the death of a woman, and the shooting of a to the death of a woman, and the shooting of a judge. Evaluators in custody matters must take judge. Evaluators in custody matters must take

domestic violence seriously. Some states have passed domestic violence seriously. Some states have passed laws requiring evaluators to be trained in domestic laws requiring evaluators to be trained in domestic

violence evaluations as part of child custody violence evaluations as part of child custody evaluations. Had Mr. Tong received such training evaluations. Had Mr. Tong received such training perhaps those beautiful children would not be perhaps those beautiful children would not be

without their mother today.without their mother today.

Joyanna Silberg, Ph. D.Joyanna Silberg, Ph. D.PsychologistPsychologistBaltimoreBaltimore

Bala, N., & Trocme, N. (2005). False Bala, N., & Trocme, N. (2005). False allegations of allegations of

abuse and neglect when parents abuse and neglect when parents separate. Child Abuse & Neglect 29 separate. Child Abuse & Neglect 29

1333-1345.1333-1345.

False allegations relatively rare.False allegations relatively rare.

"[F]athers most frequently make "[F]athers most frequently make intentionally false reports [while] intentionally false reports [while] mothers and children [are the] least mothers and children [are the] least likely to fabricate reports of abuse likely to fabricate reports of abuse

or neglect... or neglect...

Number of false allegation Number of false allegation in Thoennes & Tjadden in Thoennes & Tjadden

(1990)(1990) 9000 custody disputes reviewed9000 custody disputes reviewed 169 involved sexual abuse 169 involved sexual abuse allegationsallegations

50% of these deemed likely50% of these deemed likely But only 8 out of 84 unproven But only 8 out of 84 unproven allegations were deemed allegations were deemed consciously false allegationsconsciously false allegations

These were made by both men and These were made by both men and women.women.

www.leadershipcouncil.orgwww.leadershipcouncil.org Q: Did you ever use a child custody dispute to make a report of your Q: Did you ever use a child custody dispute to make a report of your

crime seem non-credible?crime seem non-credible?

A: I tried to say that my ex-wife was making this crime up so that A: I tried to say that my ex-wife was making this crime up so that she could get custody of my son.she could get custody of my son.

I always said that she knew I would get custody of our son, so she I always said that she knew I would get custody of our son, so she had to make me look bad.had to make me look bad.

Q: What did you do when your crime was reported to convince people Q: What did you do when your crime was reported to convince people you did not commit the crime and/or make people believe the victim you did not commit the crime and/or make people believe the victim was lying?was lying?

A: I recruited people by trying to put down and discount my ex-A: I recruited people by trying to put down and discount my ex-wife’s credibility.wife’s credibility.

I would bring up all her faults and negatives to try to get people to I would bring up all her faults and negatives to try to get people to think she was lying. think she was lying.

I did not try to convince people that my son or nephew were lying. I I did not try to convince people that my son or nephew were lying. I tried to say that they were only saying what my ex-wife made them tried to say that they were only saying what my ex-wife made them say. say.

I would put all the blame on my ex-wife, saying that she would do I would put all the blame on my ex-wife, saying that she would do anything to me to keep me from getting my son, even if it meant lying anything to me to keep me from getting my son, even if it meant lying about me molesting my own son.about me molesting my own son.

Motivations of Violent Motivations of Violent BatterersBatterers

Prevent Other Parent from accessPrevent Other Parent from access See Children as Possessions, See Children as Possessions, Objects, not loved for Objects, not loved for themselves.themselves.

Power and Control Disposition Power and Control Disposition Evident Before Violent EpisodeEvident Before Violent Episode

These are not impulsive acts, These are not impulsive acts, often carefully planned.often carefully planned.

The sniper suspect The sniper suspect according to Jane according to Jane

Murphy,The Sun, Dec.9,2002Murphy,The Sun, Dec.9,2002 ““While many pundits While many pundits conclude that we will conclude that we will never know what never know what motivated the sniper motivated the sniper suspect, to domestic suspect, to domestic violence experts his violence experts his is an all-too is an all-too familiar story of a familiar story of a man whose man whose relationships with relationships with the women and the women and children in his life children in his life fit the power-and fit the power-and control dynamic so control dynamic so common to batterers.”common to batterers.”

How do abusive men How do abusive men typically react to typically react to

being left?being left? At least half of men who abuse At least half of men who abuse their female partners also abuse their female partners also abuse their children.their children.

Fathers who batter mothers are Fathers who batter mothers are twice as likely to seek sole twice as likely to seek sole custody of their children than custody of their children than non-violent fathers.non-violent fathers.

Violence and threats of violence Violence and threats of violence tend to increase after tend to increase after separation.separation.

Bancroft & Silverman. (2002). Bancroft & Silverman. (2002). The The batterer as parentbatterer as parent. Sage.. Sage.

Interview with Sniper Interview with Sniper lawyer, JohnMillslawyer, JohnMills

Paid by Federally funded Paid by Federally funded program Devoted Dads, providing program Devoted Dads, providing free legal help for fathersfree legal help for fathers

Stated, Maybe he would not have Stated, Maybe he would not have had to kill people if he had had to kill people if he had gotten custody. gotten custody.

Mother Cleared of Kidnapping DaughterMother Cleared of Kidnapping DaughterJurors Believe Alleged Abuse by Jurors Believe Alleged Abuse by

Father Justified Woman's Decision to Father Justified Woman's Decision to FleeFlee

By Henri E. CauvinBy Henri E. CauvinWashington Post Staff WriterWashington Post Staff WriterThursday, May 24, 2007; B01Thursday, May 24, 2007; B01

A mother who fled the District with A mother who fled the District with her daughter 14 years ago in the her daughter 14 years ago in the

midst of midst of a custody dispute was acquitted a custody dispute was acquitted

yesterday of kidnapping the child.yesterday of kidnapping the child.

Mary Jane Byrd, 36, in tearful Mary Jane Byrd, 36, in tearful testimony in D.C. Superior Court, testimony in D.C. Superior Court,

said she had said she had come to fear the child's father, Carl come to fear the child's father, Carl Dodd, and that left her no choice but Dodd, and that left her no choice but

to run away and remake her life.to run away and remake her life.

The jury took about two hours to find The jury took about two hours to find that Byrd was justified in what she that Byrd was justified in what she

did did in 1993, when she vanished from her in 1993, when she vanished from her Southeast Washington home with her Southeast Washington home with her

daughter, Marilyn, who was 4.daughter, Marilyn, who was 4.

In the August 2005 case, Byrd In the August 2005 case, Byrd granted custody to the child's granted custody to the child's father, despite findings of father, despite findings of abuse from the Department of abuse from the Department of

Children's Service and a police Children's Service and a police investigation.investigation.

The state Court of Appeals The state Court of Appeals reversed her ruling August 2006 reversed her ruling August 2006 and ordered the judge to restore and ordered the judge to restore

custody to the mother.custody to the mother.But Byrd left the boy in his But Byrd left the boy in his father's care and then held a father's care and then held a hearing in September 2006.hearing in September 2006.

Mother’s placed in double Mother’s placed in double binds: whatever they do to binds: whatever they do to

describe abuse is describe abuse is diagnostic of their diagnostic of their

disorder.disorder.

From Bancroft & From Bancroft & SilvermanSilverman

““Those families who have the Those families who have the greatest degree of psychological greatest degree of psychological health among mothers and children health among mothers and children appear to be among those most appear to be among those most vulnerable to being labeled as vulnerable to being labeled as having “parental alienation.” having “parental alienation.”

Those are the ones that have the Those are the ones that have the secure attachment to the protective secure attachment to the protective parent to reject outright the parent to reject outright the abusive behavior of the batterer abusive behavior of the batterer upon separation. upon separation.

““He noted that all 3 He noted that all 3 children implied or children implied or characterized their characterized their mother as their best mother as their best

friend. This is counter friend. This is counter to the normal course of to the normal course of

adolescent adolescent development.“development.“Judge in Ohio caseJudge in Ohio case,,

13, 14, 16 year old teenage girls 13, 14, 16 year old teenage girls are allowed no phone calls, or emails are allowed no phone calls, or emails with “best friend” mother. supervised with “best friend” mother. supervised

visits in preschool 6 hours a month.visits in preschool 6 hours a month.

I’ve Been In Hiding From Dad For 14 Years’

Statements of Abuse to Statements of Abuse to Family FriendsFamily Friends

In June, 1991... Jennifer's lips and nose were swollen In June, 1991... Jennifer's lips and nose were swollen 3 times their normal size - her eye was turning black 3 times their normal size - her eye was turning black and blue and her face was severely scraped from her and blue and her face was severely scraped from her chin to her hair line - I asked... 'what happened to chin to her hair line - I asked... 'what happened to you?' She said 'Rena pushed me... I told her I you?' She said 'Rena pushed me... I told her I never rode a bike without training wheels, I couldn't never rode a bike without training wheels, I couldn't steer down the big hill! I told them I can't. Dad steer down the big hill! I told them I can't. Dad was real mad, he yelled at me to get back on the bike was real mad, he yelled at me to get back on the bike - Rena laughed, She shoved me down the hill - then I - Rena laughed, She shoved me down the hill - then I fell...'” Zachary... said 'They like to hurt us.'fell...'” Zachary... said 'They like to hurt us.' (Terry Dunham – Affidavit)(Terry Dunham – Affidavit)

"In may 1990... Zachary said 'Mark said he'd kill me "In may 1990... Zachary said 'Mark said he'd kill me if I didn't stop acting like the Bitch - that's you if I didn't stop acting like the Bitch - that's you mom. Mark said I got in trouble because of you.'”mom. Mark said I got in trouble because of you.'” (Wade Solberg – Affidavit)(Wade Solberg – Affidavit)

But Court-Ordered But Court-Ordered Evaluator SaidEvaluator Said

Appointed Evaluater:Attorney: Appointed Evaluater:Attorney: "A number of "A number of parents engage in shaking their children parents engage in shaking their children by the neck?"by the neck?"DeVries: DeVries: "Yes, in my experience, that is "Yes, in my experience, that is true."true." (DeVries Court Testimony -12/1992) (DeVries Court Testimony -12/1992)

stated it was NOT A PATTERN OF stated it was NOT A PATTERN OF ABUSE.ABUSE.

Father obtained full Father obtained full custody despite the custody despite the

following:following: The disclosures of abuse appear to all of The disclosures of abuse appear to all of these observers, as well, to be valid, and these observers, as well, to be valid, and Mr. Emilianowicz, particularly, noted that Mr. Emilianowicz, particularly, noted that they were offered spontaneously... I believe they were offered spontaneously... I believe it would be inappropriate for these children it would be inappropriate for these children to have unsupervised visitation with their to have unsupervised visitation with their father at this time. The children describe father at this time. The children describe incidents of victimization at the hands both incidents of victimization at the hands both of their father and of his current spouse of their father and of his current spouse [Rena Collins]. These impress us as valid [Rena Collins]. These impress us as valid disclosures that portend importantly for disclosures that portend importantly for future risk...”future risk...” (Dr Eli Newberger - 7/16/92) (Dr Eli Newberger - 7/16/92)

However, court evaluator stated abuse is However, court evaluator stated abuse is irrelevant to family court.irrelevant to family court.

Decision of the Dutch Decision of the Dutch CourtCourt

The president is in agreement with The president is in agreement with the defendant’s position that the defendant’s position that generally speaking it should be generally speaking it should be initially expected that such a large initially expected that such a large and developed country as the United and developed country as the United States must provide sufficient States must provide sufficient protection and guidance for victims protection and guidance for victims of domestic violence… there is of domestic violence… there is sufficient reason to grant the sufficient reason to grant the plaintiff and her children residency plaintiff and her children residency in the Netherlands on humanitarian in the Netherlands on humanitarian grounds."grounds."

What Can You Do?What Can You Do?

Consider whether a different Consider whether a different paradigm better fits the data. Do paradigm better fits the data. Do victims of violence choose to victims of violence choose to impoverish themselves for revenge?impoverish themselves for revenge?

Think of the rights of children to Think of the rights of children to be loved and free of violence.be loved and free of violence.

Batterers are better litigants. Batterers are better litigants. The court room is their theater. The court room is their theater. Look beneath the surface.Look beneath the surface.

myths about custody and domestic violence

Documents