my own testimony as a covetous backslider
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My own Testimony as a Covetous Backslider!
Mike Jeshurun
The Master warned: Take heed, and beware of covetousness:
for a mans life consisteth not in the abundance of the things
which he possesseth. [Luke 12:15] Now it is one thing to know
this and yet another thing to take it to heart and live by it. [Jn
13:17]
I for one did not. Sometimes knowingly and yet at other times
unknowingly I yielded to this deadly spirit of covetousness.Whatever result and effect this sin may have on the unsaved,
with the saved the deadly result is that it takes away the heart
from the Lord.
Oh yes, I was still reading some, praying some, and even
preaching some; but for the most part my heart was engaged in
the thing that I was coveting. The Psalmist said-O how I loveThy law! It is my meditation all the day! And again, I
remember Thee upon my bed, and meditate on Thee in the night
watches. [Psa 119:97; 63:6]. Icould never say this. Many a
time I would get convicted and try to put a check on my
covetousness, but since it was done in the flesh it would never
last!
What was I coveting? Just the harmless things of everyday life
highly pedigree dogs, exotic birds, the latest electronic gadgets
etc. Now please bear in mind, when I say that I was coveting
these, I mean that I went after them with a passion! There was
no If the Lord wills about all this. A Christian ought to say If
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the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that. [James 4:15]
But I had reached a point where I could care less what the Lord
thought about my personal desires and decisions! I was
determined to do that which was right in mine own eyes!Frightening!
And like every covetous person, I would alwaysjustify myself.
The dogs and the birds I reasoned I would breed and use the
money for the Lord. And the laptops and ipads I contended I
needed to study Gods Word and minister to others.
There is nothing wrong with a pedigree dog or an exotic bird.But when it becomes your god and takes the place of the God
who died for you, then God becomes exceeding jealous! For
thou shalt worship no other God: for the LORD, whose name is
Jealous, is a jealous God! [Ex 34:14]
But no matter what sin it is you are caught in, God is very
longsuffering and slow to anger. In my case I was totally carriedaway by my covetousness for many years, and if the Lord had
not intervened I should have perished in my covetousness!
Let me briefly share how the Lord intervened. I had just
purchased a beautiful Samsung Laptop for a huge price. But as
with all covetous persons, it soon lost its charm on me when I
saw the latest ipad. I badly wanted this ipad at any cost, so I
advertised my new laptop for sale. [By this time the Lord was a
stranger to me; He was not in all my thoughts at all (see Psa
10:4)]
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In response to my advertisement, a gentleman came home. He
was so polished and professional that when he offered to buy the
laptop and pay by cheque I cheerfully consented. I am generally
very vary of strangers, but there was something about this manthat made me trust him and hand over my new laptop and take
payment by cheque.
Well, you guessed it. The next day the cheque bounced and my
new laptop was gone. It was then that it suddenly hit me as to
Who was behind this. It was my Lord! The Bible says- The
tabernacles of robbers prosper, and they that provoke God are
secure; into whose hand God bringeth abundantly. Thedeceived and the deceiver are His! [Job 12:6,16]
Oh I got so mad! I went out and got myself drunk silly to drown
my sorrows. But being a former alcoholic before my conversion,
it was difficult for me to end with just one bottle. So I stayed
strung-out for a whole week! When the week was over and I
could not drink any longer, then it suddenly dawned on me. Isaw how that what God had allowed, He had done so out of His
love for me.
He wanted to jolt me out of my covetous stupor, and this was
the best way to do it. To the Lord, my salvation and love for
Him was more important than my dumb idol (laptop). And
even though Ihad gone away from following Him
wholeheartedly (as He expects all His children to do), He was
not done with me! He came after me!
The realization of this broke my heart! I wept and prayed all
night for the next three days. Now not only was my heart broken
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for the Lord but I had something else to contend with. Having
been a former occultist, I knew that following every alcoholic
binge the nights would be nights of terror! Nightmares, Literal
demonic attacks and sometimes frightening hallucinations allcame to torment me!
My seemingly innocent covetousness had brought me to my
very ruin! I was so devastated! I wrote to the few mature
brothers and sisters I knew to pray for me (which they did). But
the demonic attacks continued, totally draining me out. And
though through all of this I was weeping all night, confessing
my sins and pleading with God; there was no answer! Onlysilence!
The way of the transgressor is indeed very hard! [Prov 13:15]
Only the transgressor knows how hard it is! I would be scared
to put my head down on the pillow; for fear that if I fell asleep I
would get severely and viciously attacked. On the fourth night Ijust collapsed being unable to sit up any longer.
It was then that I had the strangest dream. I was in a Bible
conference parking lot, where a lot of people had gathered for
the conference. They were all well dressed for the occasion. It
appeared that I was to be one of their main speakers. And I too
was dressed well. And then suddenly I realized that though I had
a beautiful shirt on, I was frantically trying to cover myself
below the waist with only a very small piece of cloth. I was
feeling so embarrassed because I was not able to do a good job
of hiding my shame.
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I immediately woke up, wondering what the dream could mean.
Then the scripture suddenly came to me Behold, I come as a
thief. Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest
he walk naked, and they see his shame. [Rev 16:15]. I was soafraid and shaken, because I knew that both the dream and the
scripture were a warning to me!
I tried to recollect if there was any other similar scripture in the
book of Revelations. There was only one more! It was the
Lords warning to the church of Laodicea. I tremblingly read the
whole message [Rev 3:14-22] and the Lord directly spoke to
me!
He told me how that I was neither cold nor hot but
lukewarm, something He could not stomach!
It is indeed a truth that the Word of God is quick, and powerful,
and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the
dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow,and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
[Heb 4:12]
Though this prophecy to the Church of Laodicea was written
2000 years ago for the Laodiceans, I could clearly see that it was
also written forme!
But as I read through the whole prophecy, I noticed that it was
not all gloom and despair! There was also a ray ofhope in it.
For though the Lord rebuked this Church for its lukewarmness,
nevertheless He also challenged them to repent and get back on
track!
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He said- I counsel thee to buy of Me gold tried in the fire, that
thou mayest be rich; and white raiment, that thou mayest be
clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness do not appear; and
anoint thine eyes with eyesalve, that thou mayest see. As manyas I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and
repent!
Oh! I was so touched! I could hardly stop crying bitterly! I could
clearly see that even though I had backslidden and played the
hypocrite and the harlot for so many years, Jesus still loved me
and had come after me! Anyone else would have written me
off and left me to perish for the way I had treated them! But notmy Lord! He is the faithful Shepherd and the True Witness!
Now, all those things that I had coveted and had run after
appeared in theirtrue colors- as DUNG! On the contrast the
Lord Jesus appeared so beautiful, so precious and so worthy that
I was willing to die right then and there for HIM!
I straightway determined that I was not going to play games
anymore! I was going to heed His counsel which He spoke (in
verse eighteen above) and follow Him wholeheartedly, single-
mindedly and unreservedly! If He is worth serving at all, He is
worth serving with everything I have got, especially my whole
heart! So help me God!
Since the time God opened my eyes to the truth of Sovereign
Election, I have alwaysearnestly contended for it and defended
it! But now God was showing me, that though this was
commendable, yet I had to first make my own calling and
election sure! [see 2Pet 1:10]
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Or else, having preached unto others, I myselfcould be a
castaway! [1Cor 9:27]