mrs. murray
DESCRIPTION
Coach and the guys travel to Israel to find potential recruits and maybe love?TRANSCRIPT
MRS. MURRAY
Written by
Alan Avante
2014
COLD OPEN
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY
COACH MURRAY is lecturing the team.
COACH MURRAYOkay, guys, I’m seeing some real nice hustle out there. But we still gotta make sure we’re making harder tackles and bringing the pain every time. And I know we can do this... because we’re a family... right? And families stick together. Especially when they’re trying to knock the snot outta their opponents!
JAMALHey, Coach, how are we like a family?
COACH MURRAYWell, JAMAL, I suppose I would be the father - of course, and uh...
(looks around)CHUCK WAGON will be y’alls mamma... cause of his fertile hips and buxom man-boobs...
Chuck Wagon feels insecure as he looks down at his body maybe covering his man-boobs.
COACH MURRAY (CONT’D)Oh calm down, Chuck Wagon. Being a nurturing life-giver is nothing to be ashamed of.
JAMALHow about me, Coach!
COACH MURRAYWell, Jamal, I guess you’d be the precocious nephew from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
JAMALYes!
COACH MURRAYAnd lets see... Morris, you’d be the cat.
Morris is confused.
COACH MURRAY (CONT’D)Cause you’re named like “Morris the Cat” from the commercials. And you’re also a finicky eater - We need to get some more bulk on ya.
Morris rolls his eyes.
Sitting on a bench between Parker and the locker room wall, ALBERT is wobbly with a glassy-eyed look and drool at the corners of his mouth.
PARKERCoach, Albert doesn’t look so good. He’s just staring off into space and drooling everywhere.
Parker snaps his fingers in front of Albert without any response.
COACH MURRAYDon’t worry, Parker. He’ll snap out of it.
(continuing on)Okay, now we’re gonna need a cook, so... KANGI you’ll be Hopsing so you gotta have grub ready for us everyday...
Kangi scowls. Coach Murray redirects to Chuck Wagon.
COACH MURRAY (CONT’D)Especially for ol’ Chuckwagon. Gotta keep them hips fed.
Chuckwagon is exasperated, “really?!”
Parker keeps propping Albert against the wall.
PARKERCoach, I really think Albert needs some medical attention.
COACH MURRAYOkay, fine then, Parker. You can be our tattletale little sister, Cindy Brady
PARKERCoach, seriously, I think he might have a brain injury.
2.
COACH MURRAY(frustrated)
Alright, I get it... then Albert will have to be the baby we need to shake sometimes.
PARKER (to Jamal)
Well, Jamal, looks like another visit from family services.
JAMALMan, parents just don’t understand.
Albert pitches forward and does a face plant onto the floor.
COACH MURRAYAnd could somebody please paint some whiskers on Morris before the ambulance gets here? We’re supposed to be a family for godsakes!
END OF COLD OPEN
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3.
ACT 1
EXT. THE PRACTICE FIELD
Parker and Jamal are sitting on a bench by the water coolers watching the cheerleader’s practice.
PARKERI tell ya, Jamal. Brittany has got to be the prettiest girl in school.
JAMAL Why don’t you ask her out?
PARKERLike I could date a cheerleader.
JAMALSo. You’re a football player. Hey, here she comes now.
A group of cheerleaders come over to get water. BRITTANY has a permanent expressionless cheerleader smile and a glassy-eyed stare.
PARKERHey, Brittany, how’s it going?
BRITTANY(chipper)
Hi!
PARKERHey... I was wondering if you would like to join me for dinner tonight?
She maintains the same expression as Parker is only immersed in his delivery.
PARKER (CONT’D)And then - I don’t know - maybe a romantic stroll through the par--
Coach Murray comes over and interrupts.
COACH MURRAYHey, girls, who wants to come over to my house tonight for another round of pillow fights and Jolly Rancher Zimas?
CHEERLEADERSYay!
4.
PARKERBut, Coach!
COACH MURRAYSorry, Parker, you snooze, you loose.
PARKER But, I was right in the middle--
COACH MURRAYHey Parker, tell you what... if you ever wake up from that little nap of yours, I’ll let you bring the Zimas and Jolly Ranchers.
Coach and the giggling Cheerleaders fade away into the distance.
PARKERHey, wait... What flavors do you guys want? ... Dammit!
Parker looks at Jamal with frustration.
JAMALWell my favorite is Blue-Raspberry... I mean Sour Apple, no wait, Fire Stix. Gosh this is hard. Can I text you with it later?
Parker’s frustration increases.
INT. JAMAL’S DORM ROOM - DAY
Jamal and Coach Murray are watching television in Jamal’s spacious, decked-out dorm room filled with trophies and accolades.
JAMALCoach, don’t you have to get ready for your date with the cheerleaders?
COACH MURRAYJamal... you know what... I’m getting bored with dating cheerleaders. I mean, sure, it helps you players recognize me as the alpha male of the team but... sometimes I feel like I need a different kind of woman.
5.
(MORE)
Someone with substance. Someone who matches my passion for life. Challenges my will. A wild beast without fear. Someone who was meant for me and only me... Kinda like that big pterodactyl lookin’ thing-ey in Avatar.
JAMALYou mean the Great Leonopteryx? Or, as the Na’vi call them, “Toruk”.
COACH MURRAYYes “Toruk”. I need to capture my “Toruk”.
JAMALHowever, the only way to know she’s your Toruk is if she tries to kill you.
COACH MURRAYI see...
JAMALBut, if you can make “Tsheylu” with your Toruk then you’ll become “Toruk Makto”.
Coach Murray realizes the potential.
COACH MURRAYYes... I’d become, “Toruk Makto”... Is “Tsheylu” good?
JAMALOh yes, Tsheylu is very good.
Coach thinks about it as the TV draws-in their attention.
TELEVISIONEarlier today during an Israeli session of parliament, former Congresswoman and Green Party presidential candidate, Cynthia Mckinney forced her way into the Knesset to protest for Palestinian statehood.
Cynthia Mckinney is berating Netanyahu.
COACH MURRAYAnd there she is...
6.
COACH MURRAY (CONT'D)
Coach Murray watches closer as the Knesset security forces struggle to remove a combative Mckinney.
JAMALI think Aiwas [aiwa] has heard you.
She continues her onslaught.
INT. JAMAL’S DORM ROOM - LATER
Parker enters struggling with a large box of Zimas while Jamal and Coach continue to watch television.
PARKER(happy and hopeful)
Okay, Coach, I hope I got enough. I also got some streamers and balloons.
COACH MURRAYSorry, Parker, party’s off -
(points to the TV)I think I just found my soulmate.
PARKERCynthia Mckinney? Really? I thought you said “women that age carry too much baggage”.
COACH MURRAYDoesn’t matter. She’s my Toruk.
PARKERI don’t know, Coach. She’s highly involved with her activism and you guys would certainly clash on most issues.
COACH MURRAYDammit, Parker what part of “She’s my Toruk”, don’t you understand?
PARKEROkay, well... I imagine she will try to kill you. But, if we really wanna find out I think we have some recruiting prospects we could check on in Tel Aviv.
COACH MURRAYReally?
7.
PARKERSure, why not. And I’d love to experience the great history of an ancient peoples--oh... but, you know what? It’s gonna be Easter weekend so it might be kind of crowded.
A beaming Jamal is standing in the doorway with his Jesus body pillow and other Christian accoutrements.
JAMALDid someone say Easter in Jerusalem?
INT. FANCY’S BAR- DAY
Coach, Jamal, and Parker are at the bar.
PARKERHey, Fancy, can I have a beer, please?
COACH MURRAYNo, Parker, No! I already said you can have only have a beer, after you finish all your Jolly Rancher Zimas.
Parker is reluctantly sipping the orange colored Zima through a straw.
PARKERBut it’s eating my stomach lining.
(clutches his stomach)Ow.
COACH MURRAYWell, I guess you should of thought of that before you bought so much. Waste not, want not.
PARKERBut, Coach, I bought them for your party.
COACH MURRAYParker, I’m about to go to Israel to meet the love of my life. I can’t concern myself with the trivial events of the past.
Fancy comes over.
8.
FANCYYou guys really goin’ to Israel?
PARKER(reminding)
...And the Palestinian Territories.
JAMALIt’s where Jesus used to live!
FANCYOh I know, Jamal, but it’s still a very dangerous place.
PARKERI, I think it’ll be okay. Attacks from Palestinian rebels are more rare than ever nowadays.
FANCY I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout the Palestinians. I’m talkin’ ‘bout the Reptilians.
JAMAL(scared)
The Rep-rep-rep-tilians?!
FANCYThat’s right, Jamal. The Reptilians. An inter-dimensional, shape-shifting race of lizard-like aliens who become world leaders and pop stars.
(grabs Parker’s laptop)Here, look at this video of Prime Minister Netanyahu. Now watch what happens when I slow it down.
(slows it down)If you look closely you can see the snake eyes and the shape-shifting skin
JAMALOh no! What do they want with us?
FANCYWell, Jamal, the Reptilian-ologists say the creatures came to this world to create suffering and war so they can feed upon the resulting fear and suffering created in human beings. Making them even more powerful than before.
9.
JAMALYou mean like when we overfeed the ducks so their liver tastes even more delicious.
FANCY That’s right, Jamal. And could you please stop eating the ducks. It’s really freaking out the alumni.
Jamal coughs out a Mallard head.
JAMAL(poutey)
Aww... but they taste so gooood.
Parker takes another sip and moans.
COACH MURRAY Sounds like Parker here could be the alien’s cash cow.
PARKERGuys, c’mon, the Reptilian legend is exactly that. A perpetually changing fable that now sounds vaguely like an anti-Semitic conspiracy theory.
FANCYWell, they do all come from Israel.
PARKER Okay, now that sounds less vague.
JAMALBut, Parker, what about the evidence?
PARKERSimple. What you see as shape-shifting eyes and skin are caused by low video quality and the concomitant digital artifacts.
FANCYOh, Parker, if you’d just listen to the experts you’d know that Reptilians only shape shift when video is being shot in poor quality - just so people like you can cast doubt on their existence.
Parker takes another sip and clutches his stomach.
10.
PARKEROw...
COACH MURRAYDammit, Parker, quit feeding the Reptilians!
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11.
ACT 2
EXT. STREETS OF OLD JERUSALEM - DAY
Coach Murray, Jamal, and Parker are walking through historic Old Jerusalem.
JAMALOh man, I can’t believe I’m actually in Jerusalem. I wanna go to the Gardens of Gethsemane, and the Tower of David, and the Mount of Olives -- and oo, oo, oo, we have to go to the Garden Tomb.
PARKERWhat’s at the Garden Tomb.
JAMALC’mon Parker, you remember. That’s where they took Jesus after his crucifixion. And where he came back to life three days later.
PARKER Oh yeah, now I remember. And when he awoke and saw that his forbidden bride had taken her own life, he followed his love back into that dark eternal slumber... Tsk, tsk, what can you do... star-crossed lovers.
JAMAL(angry-upset)
No, Parker that’s not what happened at all! Don’t you remember what the pastor said when we were in church?.
PARKER Yeah, sure... when we were in Church...
SMASH CUT:
INT./EXT. DORM - DAY
Jaunty gospel music is playing with montage.
Jamal, dressed in his Sunday best, double breasted suit, bounces down the dorm hallway to escort Parker to church.
12.
Parker cracks open the door and sees a joyous Jamal. He slides a cardboard cutout of himself through the gap in the door. Jamal throws an arm around the shoulders of Cardboard Parker(CP) and bounces back down the hallway.
In church, CP is leaning stiff against the pews as Jamal lifts his hands up and prays.
Jamal leads CP when the congregation gets up to sing and dance.
Jamal is radiant at the side of CP as he’s gets baptized and dunked by the Preacher, then stays afterwards and prays with a soggy CP, holding his soggy cardboard hand.
Jamal brings a soggy CP back to Parker who grabs him through the opening of the door tearing him in half.
EXT. STREETS OF OLD JERUSALEM - DAY(LATER)
JAMAL Parker, how can you not remember all that?
Jamal is shocked when he puts his hands on the real Parker’s shoulders and then moves him around.
JAMAL (CONT’D)Hey, wait a minute... you’re not made of cardboard. You know what? I’m starting to think you weren’t even in church!
Parker just rolls his eyes.
EXT. SOLID GOLD MENORA - DAY
Coach, Parker and Jamal are wearing headphones and holding audio Tour devices.
COACH MURRAYOkay guys, what type of audio do we want for our tour of old Jerusalem?
JAMALOoo - let’s do the “heavy metal” version.
COACH MURRAYGood idea, Jamal. It’s the only genre of music that portrays world history in it’s proper context.
13.
PARKERYou mean like “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot?
COACH MURRAYGod Dammit, Parker, please don’t make me crucify you.
Iron Maiden (Bruce Dickinson) sings, as the song is illustrated by a montage.
HEAVY METAL AUDIO (O.S.)(singing)
This Solid Gold Menorah Based on a second one In a temple long agoCrushed by Saturn’s son.And soon at this stationAt the third grand tribulation.Another temple wilt ascend. And the Solid Gold MenorahShall take It’sPlaceAgain.
The Heavy Metal Audio Tour continues
COACH MURRAYHey, I wonder where I can use the bathroom?
(searches the headset remote)
Let’s see... Bathroom...
HEAVY METAL AUDIO (O.S.)Deep within the Well of SoulsA levorotary for the agesBeneath the Mount of old Occupied by the ancient sagesAnd, if you could, be a sweetieAnd please wipe the sea--ee--teee.
SMASH CUT:
INT. WELL OF SOUL’S BATHROOM - DAY
Coach is sitting on the toilet surrounded by snakes ala Indiana Jones’ “Well of Souls”.
14.
COACH MURRAY Snakes!? Why did it have to be snakes!?
Coach sits up straight on the toilet as he’s startled by something below his bum as his screams echo throughout the Temple Mount.
COACH MURRAY (CONT’D)Ahhh!
EXT. STREETS OF OLD JERUSALEM - DAY
The guys are walking through Old Jerusalem.
JAMALHey, Parker, I’m sorry I got mad earlier. So as a good christian, I’ve forgiven your deceitfulness and got you a gift.
Parker opens the box, and pulls out a shirt
PARKER(embarrassed)
Uh, thank you, Jamal, I’ll be sure to wear it.
JAMAL (excited)
Go ahead, put in on.
PARKER Well...
COACH MURRAYGod dammit, Parker. Show some appreciation for Jamal’s kindness.
PARKER(reluctantly)
Alright.
Parker put’s it on and it reads, “I must be somebody, cuz God don’t make no trash”.
COACH MURRAY See, Parker? Isn’t that nice? And it should also help your sorry-ass self-esteem.
(claps hands in finality)Alright, guys, I better get to the West Bank and find Cynthia.
15.
(MORE)
And try not to escalate any sectarian tensions while I’m gone... Parker!
PARKER What?!
Coach leaves.
JAMALDon’t worry about it, Parker. This is God’s land. What could go wrong?
INT. TEMPLE MOUNT - DAY
Revealed on a Billboard in front of the Temple Mount is written: Welcome to al-Haram ash-Sharif/Temple Mount. We’re Sorry, But We’re Not Sorry.
JAMALWow. The Temple Mount. I can’t believe I’m finally on the sacred rock where God first gathered dust to create Adam.
A MUSLIM nearby.
MUSLIMWow. Al-Haram ash-Sharif. The Hallowed ground where the Prophet Muhammad - peace be upon him - ascended unto heaven on his winged steed, Barak.
ORTHODOX Jewish guy intervenes.
ORTHODOXMeshuginah! Everyone knows this blessed space is where Adonai instructed King Solomon to build the very first Jewish Temple.
TOGA, a man in a toga, (maybe with an Italian accent) walks in with TRUFFLES, a Potbellied Pig also wearing a toga.
MUSLIMWhat are you doing up here with that disgusting animal?
TOGAHey-a, don’t-a you-a talk about-a my sweet baby like-a that.
16.
COACH MURRAY (CONT'D)
(MORE)
The almighty creator, Jupiter, told-a me I should a-sacrifice my Truffles upon His Holy altar.
ORTHODOXWhat?! That’s blasphemy!
TOGANo, no, it’s okay... This-a shrine is-a where Jupiter was-a worshipped by my people for-a two-a hundred a-fifty years.
PARKER(to Toga)
I’m sorry, but how can you sacrifice an innocent creature who trusts and loves you unconditionally?
The pig grunts and looks at Toga with pleading eyes.
TOGAJupiter told me that if I have-a faith, I should a-make an offering of-a my little-a Truffles.
Truffles grunts.
Toga lays Truffles on an alter and draws a dagger, when all of a sudden an apparition of JUPITER materializes.
JUPITERNo. Don’t do it. I was just testing your faith, so uh... you passed. Good job.
TOGA Thanks-a-Jupiter.
Truffle’s feelings are hurt.
TOGA (CONT’D)Truffles, I’m-a sorry. Can-a you ever forgive me?
Truffles slowly comes out of being hurt and leaps into Toga’s arms.
TOGA (CONT’D)Truffles!
17.
TOGA (CONT'D)
ORTHODOXThis is unacceptable. Oh, Adonai, if it’s not too much trouble, could you maybe, ehh... cleanse our temple of this abomination?
MUSLIMHey, you can’t pray in here. Dammit, why can’t anyone follow the rules.
A skeletal ANGEL OF DEATH materializes.
PARKERHoly... what the hell is that?
JAMALYay! It’s the Angel of Death.
ORTHODOX(sarcastically)
Oh great. Now he decides to show up.
JUPITERYo, A of D, whas-a happenin’?
Angel of Death draws a dagger and stabs Jupiter in the gut, Cesar assassination style.
JUPITER (CONT’D)But, why? I thought we were friends...
Angel of Death continues stabbing Jupiter as he lowers him to the floor. Then, as Jupiter takes his last breath, Angel of Death lets out a scream of regret.
ANGEL OF DEATHNooooo!
Jamal, Orthodox guy and Muslim all celebrate and taunt Toga.
MUSLIM Now take your dirty-ass pig and get the hell out of here.
ORTHODOXOh, and Adonai, maybe, if it’s not too much trouble, could you now purify the Holy land for the Chosen Ones?
18.
ADONAI (V.O.)Dude, I just had the Angel of Death kill Jupiter. Jupiter! That violated like all sort of God treaties. Now, how am I supposed to explain this at the Supreme Council of Supreme Beings? Not to mention I just helped you guys escape from the Pharaoh.
ORTHODOXYou gotta be kidding? That was thirty-three hundred years ago!
ADONAI (V.O.)Yeah, that’s like half a second in “God time”. Maybe in a another few thousand years you can have another one... if you’re lucky.
(to himself)Man, Juno is gonna be sooo pissed.
Jamal looks at Parker.
JAMALI’m tellin’ Coach.
PARKERAh, c’mon!
EXT. WEST BANK SETTLEMENT CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY
At sunset, Cynthia Mckinney stands atop a hill of the West Bank. Construction workers and settlers are trying to get by her to build their settlements.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYYou best not be putting your settlements all up in this territory, mmmHMM, and you better get that excavator out of my face. My mama don’t put her excavator in my face. And where you think you’re going with that backhoe. I’m about to smack that backhoe back to where it came from if you don’t move it right now! Say I won’t! Say I won’t!
A SETTLER in the crowd is dismissive of Cynthia’s threat.
SETTLER (O.S.)You won’t.
19.
She cocks her hand back and they all scramble down hill.
SETTLER (CONT’D)(quickly)
Go, go, go, go!
Coach Murray approaches Cynthia with out-of-character shyness
COACH MURRAYHi... Cynthia? Cynthia Mckinney? Hi. I... I’m Coach Murray.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYOh look-ey what we got here. If it ain’t another white devil comin’ to bamboozle the Palestinians out of their land again.
COACH MURRAYNo, no, Miss Mckinney, I just...
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYJust what?
COACH MURRAYI just... wanted to meet you...
Sees that Cynthia is skeptical.
COACH MURRAY (CONT’D)And join you in your cause.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYOh really? So you came all this way to fight for the sovereignty of the Palestinian people?
COACH MURRAYSure. As long as the Palestinians are always able to live under the laws of Israel... and I’m not really sure what sovereignty means?
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY(agitated)
Look, the Palestinians have the right to rule themselves. And if the territories become part of the Israeli state, they’ll continue to be oppressed. Just like they are now!
20.
COACH MURRAYWell, it seems to me like the “Palestinians” are only oppressing themselves by their behavior!
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY The “Palestinians” live in an Apartheid state!
COACH MURRAYThe “Palestinians” need to get a life!
Cynthia slaps Coach across the face. She attempts to slap him again but he catches her by the arm and pulls her to him. She gasps. He kisses her. She returns the kiss and then suddenly turns away. She looks down and clutches herself around the arms trying to come to terms with these strange new feelings. Then looks to the Mediterranean horizon for guidance.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY I suppose the “Palestinians” do get lonely sometimes.
COACH MURRAY Well, maybe the “Palestinians” just need a man in their lives... A house in the suburbs... A white picket fence.
Coach Murray gently puts his hand on Cynthia’s shoulder. She reaches back to put hers on his.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYThat does sound nice...
Cynthia then jerks away from Coach.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY (CONT’D)No, no,... The “Palestinians” could never do that. The “Palestinians” need to be here... for the...
(momentarily confused)Palestinians... ?
COACH MURRAYWell, maybe the “Palestinians” need to realize just how special they really are. Maybe the “Palestinians” just need someone to show ‘em... how... to love again...
Cynthia turns toward Coach and they lock eyes.
21.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYYou really are a handsome White Devil.
As night falls on the sky-lit hill, Cynthia and Coach embrace in an eternal kiss. Meanwhile, the settlers and construction workers sneak past - hushing each other as they go.
EXT. WEST BANK - DAY
Jamal and Parker are on the West Bank. Jamal is cheerfully singing the “Jericho” song, while Parker looks spent.
JAMAL(singing)
Joshua Fought The Battle Of Jericho Jericho, Jericho.Joshua Fought The Battle Of JerichoAnd the walls came tumblin’ down...
PARKER C’mon, Jamal, where’s Coach? I thought you said he’d be on the West Bank.
Parker and Jamal approach young Palestinian men throwing rocks at the Israeli Defense Force.
JAMALOo, Parker, look. Let’s go play with those guys.
Jamal runs off to join the rock throwers.
PARKERI don’t know, Jamal. I don’t think that’s a game.
MOHAMMEDAllahu Akbar.
Wearing a neckerchief, a Palestinian stone thrower, MOHAMMED, throws a stone that hits a soldier on the helmet. Jamal, cheerfully, but unknowingly also picks up a stone and throws it at one of the soldiers.
JAMALAllahu-ahu-ahu Akbar!
In response, another soldier fires a tear gas cannister from the other side of the wall creating smoke that wafts over the stone throwers.
22.
Jamal sidles up to Mohammed.
JAMAL (CONT’D)Nice arm, brah!
Mohammed pulls down his neckerchief.
MOHAMMEDThanks, brah. That means a lot.
JAMALI’m Jamal.
MOHAMMEDNice to meet you - Mohammed.
Mohammed throws another rock that finds it’s mark.
JAMALAnd you’re a southpaw?!
Jamal hands Mohammed a football.
JAMAL (CONT’D)Here, brah. Why don’t you try to hitting me with this.
Mohammed throws a fifty yard strike to a streaking Jamal. Jamal jogs back to Mohammed with the football.
JAMAL (CONT’D)Dude, that was awesome. You should come back with us and play American Football.
MOHAMMED(false humility)
I don’t know... I mean I did lead my high school to three stone championships and I’m am being recruited by Mississippi and Alabama.
JAMALAh, we can’t compete with Alabama.
MOHAMMEDNo. I’m being recruited to help in implementing their new death penalty by stoning.
JAMALThey do like to stick to scripture.
23.
MOHAMMEDBut at the same time, I feel like I should stay here and continue to protest for a free Palestine.
JAMALAnd you think this helps?
MOHAMMEDMos def, brah... plus check out the pecs.
(flexes)Boom!
Throws another one that hits the soldier, RUBENSTEIN.
SOLDIEROw. I told you before, Mohammed, I can’t do anything about the occupation!
MOHAMMEDWhatever Rubenstein. Your mom’s a representative in the Knesset!
SOLDIERSo is yours!
Soldier fires a tear gas cannister.
MOHAMMEDAha, you missed me!
(to Jamal)So how’s your engineering program.
JAMALI don’t know. Why don’t you ask this guy.
Parker is revealed to have a red face covered by snot and tears.
PARKERHey can we go. I think I might be allergic to the tear gas!
END ACT 2
(CONT’D)
(CONT’D)
24.
ACT 3
INT. CYNTHIA MCKINNEY’S HOUSE - DAY
Cynthia is lying in bed when coach Murray comes in with a breakfast tray.
COACH MURRAY(sing-songy)
Wake up sleepy head. Breakfast is served.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY(surprised)
Ohhh... well, look at you. That is so sweet.
COACH MURRAYOnly because I got your honey all over me.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY(with a smile)
That’s gross... but uh... Coach, I need to tell you something you may not like.
COACH MURRAYIt’s okay, darlin’. I don’t care how much baggage you have. You're a special lady and I want us to be able to share everything. All our experiences - good or bad.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYAwww--thank you...
COACH MURRAYThat's why I was raw-doggin-it last night.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYWha... no... what? That’s not what I’m talking about.
(shakes it off)Anyway, the thing is... is... I have an adopted son.
COACH MURRAYReally? Well I’ll be lookin’ forward to meetin’ the little scamp. What’s his name?
25.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYPuff.
COACH MURRAYPuff Daddy?
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYNo. Puff the Magic Dragon. He lives down by the sea. In a land called Galilee.
COACH MURRAYI’ve heard of him but I thought it was Honalee.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYNo, that’s a common mispronunciation. He actually runs an, “Occupy Galilee”. I’m so proud.
SMASH CUT:
EXT. GALILEE - DAY
PUFF, A cartoon-ish, stoner Dragon with smooth rounded edges and polka-dots is in a “Occupy” gathering speaking on a bullhorn.
PUFF... So guys, when we’re at the rally we really need to make sure everyone is chanting at the same time. Also, I wish people would stop asking me to get them high. That medicine is prescribed for me and only me.
A disgruntled OCCUPIER speaks up.
OCCUPIERFor what?
PUFF(defensively)
For my eating and sleeping disorders... so I won’t get all skinny and tired.
26.
OCCUPIERHey, Puff, maybe your “medicine” could also help you eat our supply of hotdogs and Twinkies. Oh, wait, that already happened. That was supposed to last us all week, man!
PUFFHey, man, don’t make fun of my disabilities... man!
INT. CYNTHIA MCKINNEY’S HOUSE - DAY
There’s a knock. Coach Murray cheerfully answers the door and it’s a poutey Puff the Magic Dragon.
PUFFHey, who are you..
(walks in)Where’s my mom?
Coach Murray tries to be fatherly.
COACH MURRAYHey there, sport, I’m Coach Murray - but you can call me Coach. What say you and me go out and throw the pig-skin around some time.
PUFF(defiant)
I don’t have time for your Capitalistic Zionist games.
(yells for mom)Mom!
Cynthia comes in the room.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYHey pumpkin, how’d the rally go?
PUFF Okay, I guess... but can I have some money? I need a new bullhorn.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYWhat happened to your old one.
PUFF(ashamed)
I ate it.
27.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYOh, Puff.
She hands him some money
PUFFThanks, mom.
COACH MURRAYHey, Puff, it was really great meeting you.
PUFFShut up, you’re not my Dad. But, someday, I’m going back to my old dimension and find my real dad.
Puff storms out. Coach is confused.
COACH MURRAYHis old dimension? What’s he talking about?
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYWell...
COACH MURRAYC’mon, Cynthia I can handle anything you got.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYCoach, the truth is... I’m a Reptilian hunter.
COACH MURRAY So they do exist?
Cynthia opens a drawer and pulls out pictures of Puff and his dad for Coach.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYI adopted him after I killed his parents, but he doesn’t know it was me.
Puff looks completely different from his folks.
COACH MURRAYWhy does he look so different.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYHe’s also a special needs Reptilian called a Reptard.
28.
COACH MURRAY I see.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYBut, Coach, please. This is vital work. You mustn’t tell a soul.
COACH MURRAYMy lips...
(makes sealing motion)are sealed.
CUT TO:
INT. COACH’S HOTEL - DAY
Coach Murray bursts into a hotel where Parker and Jamal are hanging out.
COACH MURRAYCynthia’s a Reptilian Hunter!
JAMALA Reptilian hunter! That’s awesome! Did you hear that, Parker? A Reptilian Hunter is going to be our new football mommy!
COACH MURRAY That’s right, Jamal. I’m tellin’ you, she’s the whole package. Beautiful. Fiery personality. Hunts Reptilians. It’s what I’ve always dreamed of.
PARKER(skeptical)
Reptilians, huh? Well I knew she was brave, but are you sure she didn’t say rapscallion hunter? Like she thinks certain politicians are “rapscallions”?
COACH MURRAYWell, if by rapscallion, you mean cold blooded inter-dimensional humanoids with green scales. Then yes - she’s a rapscallion hunter.
29.
PARKER Well... no... but, uh... maybe she was using “Reptilians” as a metaphor for those who do injustice to others.
COACH MURRAYIf by “metaphor”, you mean a literal translation of something. Then yes, they’re metaphors.
PARKERThat’s not--
COACH MURRAY(to himself)
I just hope she wants to come back to Oklahoma with me.
INT/EXT. CYNTHIA MCKINNEY’S HOUSE - DAY
Cynthia is chasing after a large rat. She catches it, unhinges her jaw and swallows it whole, ala Diane, the lizard humanoid in the mini-series “V”. After she’s done she looks over and sees Coach Murray in the doorway staring at her in disbelief.
COACH MURRAYCynthia! Wha... what are you doing?
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY(hurriedly)
Nothing. You’re drunk.
COACH MURRAYWell, that may be true, but, I could have sworn I just saw you swallow a live rat... which... I must say is horrifying... yet intriguing--
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY(apologetic)
Coach... I--
COACH MURRAY(trying to be unfazed)
No, no... I can do this. You’re my soulmate... and if I can accept your support for a two state solution, then maybe...
30.
(MORE)
just maybe I can accept your diet of live rodents.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY(joyful)
Oh, Coach!
Coach and Cynthia run into each other’s arms, and kiss. They stop and Coach Murray pulls rat fur out of his mouth.
COACH MURRAY(good-naturedly)
Uck... got a little rat fur in my mouth.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYOh, Coach... I appreciate you believing in me... but... I still haven’t been completely honest with you.
COACH MURRAYLay it on me princess.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY Well... you see... I don’t just hunt Reptilians. I am a Reptilian.
COACH MURRAYWhat?
Cynthia shape shifts into a humanoid Reptilian with green scales and reptile eyes, and then back into herself again.
Coach becomes light-headed and panicky but tries not to show it.
COACH MURRAY (CONT’D)Uh, yeah... I... I can change into a Reptilian, too.
Coach Murray tries really hard to shape shift into a Reptilian but only lets out a honk-squeal fart.
COACH MURRAY (CONT’D)(panicky)
Sorry - I swear I can usually do it - please don’t eat me.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY (gently)
I’m not going to eat you Coach. Even though you are so sweet.
31.
COACH MURRAY (CONT'D)
COACH MURRAY(scared and panicky)
Only because I got your honey all over--
(she walks towards him)Ahhh!
Coach passes out.
INT. CYNTHIA MCKINNEY’S HOUSE - LATER
POV of Coach groggily waking up to see Cynthia’s normal face.
COACH MURRAYOh, baby, I’m glad it’s you. I had the most horrible dream. You were a Reptilian... with green skin... and dragon eyes.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYYou mean like this.
Cynthia’s shape shifts to dragon eyes and green skin.
COACH MURRAYAh!
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYCoach, it’s okay, I’m a good Reptilian.
COACH MURRAYA good Reptilian? I didn’t think they swung that way.
CYTNTHIA MCKINNEYWe do. Most of us do anyway...
COACH MURRAY Does that mean that Puff the Reptard... is your real son?
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYWe prefer to call him “The Magic Dragon”, but yes, he really is my son.
(takes a breath)
32.
(MORE)
You see, Coach, when I was pregnant, my husband left me to join a rebellion of evil Reptilians called Reptoids. But the problem is that he still wants to see his biological father even though I keep telling him he’s evil.
COACH MURRAYI understand. My Mom would say the exact same thing about my Dad. Hey, maybe I’m half-Reptilian.
Coach tries to turn into a Reptilian again, but only farts again.
COACH MURRAY (CONT’D)Nope. Sorry.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY(smiling gently)
That’s okay. Why don’t you come with me and I’ll explain everything.
EXT. THE SEA SHORES OF GALILEE - NIGHT
Cynthia and Coach are standing under a star filled sky on the shore of the Sea of Galilee.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYThere it is. Gateway to the Reptilian world.
COACH MURRAYWhere?
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYThere. About a hundred yards from shore. It only becomes visible when it’s processing inter-dimensional travelers.
COACH MURRAYBut why here? Why earth?
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYTwo thousand years ago my ancestors landed at this very spot. Our Reptilian priests felt a sacred energy emanating from this orbit, so they made your world forbidden for all Reptilians.
33.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY (CONT'D)
(MORE)
However the Reptoidswanted to be able feed on the anxiety and suffering of humans. So they infiltrated these sacred confines as pop stars and world leaders.
COACH MURRAYOh, why didn’t we listen to the experts?!
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYI was highly decorated Commander in the royal Reptilian Fleet when I was chosen to be gatekeeper of the inter-dimensional doorway, and I was tasked with keeping the Reptoids from crossing over into “the heart
(touches Coach on the chest)
of the Multi-verse”.
She cuddles into Coach’s arms.
COACH MURRAYWow.
(meekly)Well... I’ve led my football team to an NCAA Championship.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY(patronizing)
Really? Well, you should be very proud. That sounds like a lot of hard work.
COACH MURRAY(bashful)
It was.
They look into each other’s eyes lovingly until Coach sees lightning and electricity pulsating along the outline of the circular inter-dimensional gate.
COACH MURRAY (CONT’D)Wow. It’s beautiful... just like you.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYWhat? No. That’s not right!
34.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY (CONT'D)
COACH MURRAYHey, c’mon. Learn how to take a complement will ya, geez...
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYNo, the inter-dimensional gate. It’s been been activated. But I’m the only one with the orb!
Cynthia looks through her purse, handing, Coach, various items like tissues and candy, maybe a tampon.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY (CONT’D)I usually keep it in here... Uh oh, that boy better not been all up in my purse.
In the distance, a jubilant Puff shouts to Cynthia.
PUFFMom, I got the gate open! I’m gonna go find dad.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYPuff, you get back here right now with that orb or I’m counting to three. One, Two... Two and half...
Puff heads toward the shore into multitudes of encroaching Reptilians.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY (CONT’D)Dammit! We need the orb to close the gate. Coach, do you have any experience with sword play?
COACH MURRAYWell, one time when I was fifteen - with a friend - but it was just experimental - I don’t like to talk about it.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYHere.
(presents a sword)The blade is made from Palestinian stone. It’s the only substance that can kill a Reptoid.
With her sword, Cynthia strikes an attacking Reptoid who then vanishes.
35.
COACH MURRAYOkay, but, Cynthia, I need to ask you something.
EXT. THE SEA SHORES OF GALILEE - CONT.
Puff runs up to one of the EVIL REPTOIDS,
PUFFHi, I’m Puff. Are you my Dad?
EVIL REPTOID(Reptoid speak)
Why not.
The evil Reptoid raises his sword to strike Puff but it’s blocked by another one.
COACH MURRAYBut I am!
Both the Evil Reptoid and Puff look back to see that it’s Coach Murray. The Evil Reptoid attacks and fights Coach as he has a conversation with Puff.
PUFFWhat? No you’re not.
Coach Murray blocks the Reptoid’s strike.
COACH MURRAY I asked your Mom to marry me.
PUFFNo way, why?
Coach Murray retaliates with strikes at the Reptoid.
COACH MURRAYI love your Mom, Puff. And she loves me... and we make each other very happy.
Puff puts his head down and thinks about it.
PUFF Well... I guess if my mom’s happy, I can be happy.
Coach finally strikes down the Reptoid.
36.
COACH MURRAYI know we’ll make a great team. Now close the damn gate!
Puff fiddles with the orb until the gate closes.
PUFFIt’s closed. Now, let’s go kick some Reptoid ass... Dad.
Coach jumps on Puff’s back and together they proceed to mow down the onslaught of Reptoids.
EXT. SHORES OF GALILEE
The Israeli Defense Forces have arrived on the shores of Galilee, but their weaponry doesn’t have an effect on the Reptoids.
An Rubenstein yells to the COLONEL
PRIVATEColonel, our weapons aren’t working. Nothing is stopping them.
COLONELI know, Rubenstein... I guess all we can do now is pray for a miracle.
With the encroaching Reptoids, death becomes imminent for the Colonel and Rubenstein.
PRIVATEIt’s been an honor sir.
COLONEL Awwww, thank you, I don’t know what to say.
When all of a sudden right before their eyes the Reptoids disintegrate from stones whizzing over head.
COLONEL (CONT’D)What the...
PRIVATEUp there, sir...
The Private points to the top of the hill where it’s lined with Palestinian stone throwers led by Mohammed and accompanied by Jamal and a weak armed Parker.
37.
COLONELWhat...?
Colonel suddenly regrets something.
COLONEL (CONT’D)Oh wait, it’s been an honor serving with you... too... private... Dammit... C’mon Colonel, you gotta always reciprocate. See. This is why you’re still single.
EXT. SHORES OF GALLILEE - CONT.
Reptoids are being summarily dispatched by the stones.
REPTOID 1Are those Palestinian stones?
Reptoid 1 get’s vaporized in front of REPTOID 2.
REPTOID 2Hey! That’s asymmetrical warfare!
Bruce Dickinson narrates the battle with a heavy metal song.
HEAVY METAL SONG O.S.In the provenance of manA divided people face a torrent of evil ReptoidsFrom across both time and space.
And when the creatures marched upon usThe ground began to shakeNo weapon nor heavy fireCould prevent our deadly fate
But then upon a hill A people did alignA force of stone and courageTo save all of man-kind.
EXT. SEA OF GALILEE - THE NEXT MORNING
The Reptoids have been vanquished as the Colonel addresses Mohammed.
38.
COLONELMohammed, I want to thank you and your friends for saving our land from the evil Reptoids.
MOHAMMEDOf course, why wouldn’t we? It’s our land too.
COLONELUhhh, sure... parts of it are... kind of... I guess.
Mohammed just stares at the Colonel for a bit.
MOHAMMEDWhatever, man. I’m gonna go play football for the Tigers, where at least I’ll be safe.
Parker and Jamal rejoice.
JAMALYay!
PARKERYay - he thinks he’ll be safe - yay!
Nearby, Cynthia and Coach are talking.
COACH MURRAYWow, Cynthia, we sure were lucky the Palestinians know how to toss the rock.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY(looks away)
Yeah... lucky...
COACH MURRAYHey... what’s going on?
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYI’m sorry, Coach, but I haven’t been completely truthful.You see... all the people you know as leaders of Israel and the Palestinian territories are actually good Reptilians like me. And as you can tell, our efforts to maintain unrest have created generations of stone throwing warriors. Warriors who are needed to keep the earth safe from a Reptoid invasion.
39.
COACH MURRAYI knew there had to be a good reason.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYIt was all started by our first gate keeper. A reptilian disguised as a carpenter from Bethlehem.
COACH MURRAY You don’t mean Jesus Christ do you?
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYWell, that’s how humans know him. His actual reptilian name was -
(garbled grunting) Jesse Qyoiqw.
Jamal’s ears tingle.
JAMALJesus? What about Jesus?
COACH MURRAYNothing, Jamal. Only that God begat his only son as a sacrifice for all your sins.
JAMALAww, thank you. That’s all I needed to hear.
Cynthia becomes sad.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYOh, but my dear Coach Murray... it breaks my heart to say, but... I won’t be able to join you in Oklahoma.
COACH MURRAYWell then, I guess I’ll just have to stay here and fight the Reptoids with you and Puff. You know he’s quite the Magic Dragon.
Coach winks at Puff as he smiles back.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEYNo, Coach, you mustn’t. You can’t abandon the team and the thousands of people who depend on you to bring the Tiger Nation another championship.
40.
(MORE)
Just like I can’t abandon the billions of people who depend on me to guard the inter-dimensional gate from a Reptoid invasion... and to help keep the Palestinians and Israelis in a stalemated conflict.
COACH MURRAYI guess you’re right. But I... I really wanted to be your Toruk Makto.
Cynthia puts her hand on his cheek.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY Well maybe you can still be my Toruk Makto, even if it is just for a day.
Cynthia stands back from the crowd and transforms into her Reptoid form. She holds out her arms and sprouts sinewy wings. Coach is delighted.
COACH MURRAY Are those new?
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY(flirting)
How do like em? They’re clip-on extensions I got just for you.
Coach Murray squeals with excitement as he embraces Cynthia and makes out with her green lizard face and forked tongue.
Coach pulls rat fur from his mouth.
COACH MURRAY(good-naturedly)
Yuck. Okay! let’s go!
Coach hops on Cynthia’s back and drapes his arms over her chest before they blast off into the morning sky.
COACH MURRAY (CONT’D)Ay, yi yi yi yi yi...
They soar into the air circling the crowd below and disappear into the Mediterranean horizon. As Dickinson takes them out with song.
BRUCE DICKINSONSo the lovers rise as oneInto the rising sky Who knew a mere reptilian
41.
CYNTHIA MCKINNEY (CONT'D)
(MORE)
Possessed the wings to flyOne more bizarre compendium To a convoluted taleBegat from a tribal paradigm Forever destined to fail FailFailDestined to fail.
(Can’t use last line maybe? It’s an iconic line from a song well known by people with the same demographic make-up as the would-be audience for this show.)
THE END
42.
BRUCE DICKINSON (CONT'D)