mr. gazette (spring 2014)

Freshman Trapped Under Backpacks for DaysBy Joe Owens

You read that headline correctBlake administrators are gathering recent information about a freshman boywho would like to remain unnamed because of the trau-matic nature of his experiencethat was trapped under a mountainous pile of backpacks under the stairs during the during a recent assembly.

The faculty has released the students iPhone Note en-tries, which they kept to document the harrowing three-day tragedy. The student writes I think Im stuck behind a wall of backpacks under the stairs...Cade maintaining an air of levity by using the popular saying, not yet real-izing the grave danger in which they were becoming entrenched. However as the need for nourishment and a bathroom crept onto the victim, a clear tone of panic became present in the discovered memoirs.

(Continued on p. 3)

Blakes New Swivelball LeagueAn investigation into a new sport and the secret lives of the teachers that play it.By Aaron Sharper

With the creation of the new science wing, there are many new instruments and doohickeys that we can all come to appreciate. However, one subtle feature has quickly become my favorite aspect of the renova-tions. What is it? you may ask. Why its none other than the sleek, hard, cement floors. These, in com-bination with the new rolling chairs, have quickly become a new pastime of mine. It is very likely that if you pass by my physics class during Block 4, you will not see a sophisticated, 17 year-old scholar hard at work, but rather a sophisticated, 17 year-old scholar rolling around the room like a fourth grader that spends most of his time eating sugar, watching SpongeBob and staring at microwaves.(Continued on p. 4)

Where was Moss?Answers to the question everyone was asking first semester (Turn to p. 6)

Random Acts of Kruelty in the Blake School(Turn to p. 15)

Humans of Blake

(Turn to p. 14)

Get to Know the Staff at

Mr. Gazette(Turn to p. 12)

A few words of advice from our own Jack-

son Norris (Turn to p. 8)

Yeah, were still here...*sigh*

Issue 1 Because we havent

made anything else...

Possible Ban on Yoga PantsBy Caroline Ufoos

The students of the Blake School are facing an impending doom. One that could be worse than the cafeteria running out of pepperoni pizza during second lunch. You might have heard the hushed whispers from students in the hall about this im-pending doom,but never knew if they were true. After interviewing one freshman student she said, This could be badlike really badlike literally so bad. What is thisimpending doom you might ask? The Blake Northrop Campus could possibly be ban-ning yoga pants.

Many students of the Northrop Campus are out-raged by the possibility of yoga pants being banned during school hours, primarily girls. To show their disdain, they staged a sit in where they all gathered their yoga pants, (Lulu lemon exclusively I mean come on this isnt amateur hour) sat in a circle, and formed a large pentagram with their Lulus, sum-moning the Gods of Starbucks holiday drinks, circle scarves, and white iPhones to give them strength.

(Continued p. 2)

The student involved with this incident has considered starting a nationwide speaking tour to tell others of his struggles, as well as publish his iPhone notes on the experience in a mem-oir. This however, can only be achieved once the student learns to fix his run-on-sentence and pass his vocabulary quiz in his World Lit-erature class.

Mr. Gazette 2Its what youve been looking for and you didnt even know it.

Iyar 5774

After much deliberation about the subject by the administra-tion, and Forum hosting a Town Hall about the issue of Dress Code,Head of School Anne Stavney might be implementing a rule that bans pants made out of spandex or nylon. When asked about whats leading her to push for this new rule, Stavney said Really...are we still talking about this? In the next coming weeks we will see if the Gods answer the calls of the female population of the Blake, but for now we will just have to wait in suspense while deliberation continues.

Behind the CartonBy Professor Isaac GittyUp Frans

Earlier this year, chocolate milk was introduced to the Upper School via Forum. This news spread through the school like guacamole stains at a Super Bowl party. Students were so overjoyed and pumped full of the chocolate gold that they couldnt stop and fully examine what had just transpired. I, myself, was blinded by the chocolate river, and it was not until Forum tried to slide the extra member legislation down the student bodys throat that I made the connection. Through the guise of student life improvement (obtaining chocolate milk) Forum was actually secretly hustling the whole school with their corrupt agenda.

After three whole months of stake outs, interviews, surveillance, a whole lot of broken bones, and missing dinner with my wife and kids (I love you, Beth), I was able to comprehend the level of corruption and thievery that had materialized before my very eyes. I learned what had happened I de-cided that I will not sit on the sidelines any more; I am going to grab the cow by udders and not let go until I find the truth. And thats what I did, I found out what was going on Behind the Carton.

Over the summer, Forum, through a network of business fronts and offshore accounts, bought Its All About the MOOs Baby in Sochi, Russia. Shortly after this, The Blake School started to offer chocolate milk for des-sert on Mondays. Coincidence? I think not. Its All About the MOOs Baby is the same exact company that supplies Blake with chocolate milk. At first glance this all makes no sense and it makes even less sense the more it is examined. Why and how would a student government for a high school ever purchase a milk distributor? And why would they sell the milk to their own high school? I can tell you why. Its all about the money. A carton of chocolate milk costs a milk producer any where from 3-5 cents to produce and they usually would sell a carton to a school for $1.00 Its All About the MOOs Baby sells a carton of chocolate milk to Blake for $3.50. The question then must be asked, why would Blake pay $3.50 per carton of chocolate milk, when they could get it for 350% less? The an-swer is simpler than it may seem. Forum has approximately 10 members, one of them being senior class president (the boss), and another being the junior class president (second in command). This summer Forum hatched a scheme to make some money on the side at the expense of the students they swore to protect. After Forum had obtained Its All About the MOOs Baby they forced Blake into buying their product, but all the money Forum was making wasnt good enough for them. In an at-tempt to increase their profits, Forum tried to make Blake serve chocolate milk at every lunch, but this failed because of their lack of muscle. This is where the extra member legislation comes into play: By adding a total of 4 extra members to Forum they would be able to increase their influence and force Blake to serve Forums tainted, wretched, syrup-infused dairy product every day. I have acquired some confidential Forum documents that lay out their plan to infiltrate Breck and at least 23 other Minnesotan schools by the end of 2015 fiscal year. It does not end there. Forum is planning on launching a chocolate milk super Pac, in an attempt to le-gitimize their corrupt dealings so that Forum can start infiltrating schools across the country.

One morning, I awoke to one of the biology departments dead cats laying next to me. At first I thought it was my wife, Beth, playing a cute joke on me but on closer examination I found that the cat had a milk moustache, a chocolate milk mustache.

A ranking official in the Blake school front office said, There is nothing we can do to stop Forum, they are on a way-one train with no brakes to the Gates of Hell. All we can do is hope that we do not get run over. Despite the odds, this reporter will not swallow this injustice. I may not be lactose intolerant but believe you me I cannot handle this lactose of crime. For now I will have to go into hiding but until then dont stop the fight. Please students, you are our only hope.

P.S. If they find me after this article published. Tell Beth, Johnny, and Cyn-thia I loved them and I did this so that they could live in a world free of crime and free of suffering.

This investigative reporter, Isaac Frans, is signing off.

Blake Student Government ShutdownBy Kevin Christianson

Forum has followed the lead of the federal government and shut down. Forum was trying again to get a homework free weekend where teachers ACTUALLY gave no homework. Administration was opposed to this idea because Blake treachery seem to get a strange sense of pleasure from as-signing homework. The Forum reps, enraged, are now boycotting Forum.

We have all felt the absence in our school lives caused by this catastro-phe. Clubs like Spectrum have lost all funding and students are now without hallway litter eye candy that they use as an excuse for being late for class. Community Justice Board (CJB), has also had to shut down and now, with no source of justice, freshman now take up the hallways while talking with friends, hindering those who wish to get to class. With chaos breaking out around school, we are in search of some heroic group who will take over for Forum and end this chaos. Perhaps they will even surpass Forum and actually accomplish occasional tasks as well. Do not be afraid however. We gallant knights at the Blakes Mr. Gazette pledge to save our school from these horrible happenings. Like a bunch of Safari Steves, we will enact justice on those worthy of it. We will gallantly clear the hallways of freshman, who decide that stopping in the middle of the hallway to chat is a good idea, by pushing them out of the way and mess-

Possible Ban on Yoga Pants (contd)


Iyar 5774

Freshman Trapped Under Backpacks for Days (contd)

Call to the FlowBy Jackson NorrisWell folks, while I am sorry to say it, has come and gone. The time of big hits, and bigger hair is over. However, after some reflection I couldnt help but notice that, despite the fact that it was flow season I saw a huge decline in the amount of hair our boys of winter seem to sport. As a self-proclaimed male hairstyle aficionado I figured it was my responsibil-ity to figure out why our boys are going with the pre-mature buzz. My first interviewee was a big one.

Hes been called everything from, Floseph to Edgar Allen Flow to Grant. In my eyes, Grant Oie was the perfect candidate to interview because he

went from Homecoming perfection to something that resembled the Ice Man from top gun. We know Oies icy, but no one should have to subject themselves to that kind of ice.

My questions were simple: Why the cut? How do you feel after a flow chop? Has the number of women you attract gone up or down? And last-ly, I simply asked for some words of advice for all our young flow-sporters out there. Oies answer to question one was simple, Comfort and quick-ness. He went on to say that Really what it boils down to is quickness and ease of use. I knock about 30 minutes of the morning routine with the buzz, because I no longer have to wash profusely, groom,and/or comb in the mornings. Its a numbers game really. Well put Grant, well put.

When asked about how he feels post chop, he said, Naked man. I feel like Im a nudist at church. The first few days are awful. I go through with-drawal that leaves me shaking in the fetal position for days. Ive had to seek professional help..twice. When asked about the ladies, Oie uses a peacock analogy, Ya man the number of women I attract seems to have gone down with the chop. Im still gorgeous, but I feel like my mating call has been revoked. Its as if Im a peacock whose wings were chopped off. My hair used to be elaborate, flowing, stunning really, but now I have lost my mane attractor, my hair.

Lastly I asked Oie what he would say to anyone who thinks they might want to grow the flow. His response was brisk, Never give up. Its hard those first few months being in the no grow zone. You need to battle through the pain. What I do to increase growth is clench all the muscles in my face as hard as possible. Ive never had it actually work per se, but I figure its gotta do something.

All in all, Grant enjoys the pursuit of the hair, having the hair, and groom-ing the hair. With stand up guys like Oie and myself sporting the lus-cious locks, whats there to lose? I highly recommend growing out the feathers,and maybe, just maybe, someday you will reach the pinnacle of hair stardom, such as Grant.

If you dont look like this guy, youre not doing it right.

ing up their TFS imposter flow so they learn their lesson. We will end the lunch line-budging problems, by having our members honorably give up their lunch time to patrol the lunch room and taze anybody that tried to cut in line with a cattle prod. We feel that the lesson will be learned fairly quickly. If you have any other concerns you would like us to deal with, go home, cry about it, and then complain to someone else about it. We dont have time to deal with your sheep! We are Mr. Gazette, we do what we want!

While the details of these later entries wont be shared due to their graph-ic nature, we at Mr. Gazette can at least say that in an attempt to solve his bathroom problem, the victim resorted to the use of several pencils, a half-finished bottle of Mountain Dew and a physics textbook which were all found in the backpacks which entrapped the victim.

While most would have expected the student to be freed from the prison once peers began to retrieve their backpacks after assembly, it is believed that by the time this occurred the victim had passed out or fallen asleep due to the ever-present exhaustion that most Blake students feel, only to again wake up during lunch or a later assembly when bags were once again piled high on top the student.

Over all this looms the burning question of why no one bothered to look for the student when it was noticed he hadnt shown up to classes in some days. While some would blame the incident on the growing lack of awareness more recent generations seem to hold or the system itself, most sources would agree that due to the students status as a lower classmen, no one really cared. Even the students mother, when asked why she didnt contact the school when she noticed her child hadnt returned home for several days stated, He was missing? Oh [expletive]! I guess its too late to worry about it now. Hes a freshman, hell get over it.

The student was eventually released from the backpack-hell by Steve, the schools Security Officer, who then confiscated the students phone. This event has reinvigorated an already hot topic of backpack overflowage, prompting the school to place even more signs on the walls surrounding the staircase in an attempt to prevent this from ever happening again.

Needless to say, the student did receive a cut for missing several days worth of class.


Iyar 5774

Blakes New Swivelball LeagueAn investigation into a new sport and the secret lives of the teachers that play it.

By Aaron Sharper

With the creation of the new science wing, there are many new instru-ments and doohickeys that we can all come to appreciate. However, one subtle feature has quickly become my favorite aspect of the reno-vations. What is it? you may ask. Why its none other than the sleek, hard, cement floors. These, in combination with the new rolling chairs, have quickly become a new pastime of mine. It is very likely that if you pass by my physics class during Block 4, you will not see a sophisti-cated, 17 year-old scholar hard at work, but rather a sophisticated, 17 year-old scholar rolling around the room like a ADHD diagnosed fourth grader that spends most of his time eating sugar, watching SpongeBob and staring at microwaves.

While Im sure many of you have come across this new treasure, I am here to tell you that we students arent the only ones to take advan-tage of the new floors and chairs. It has come to my attention that the hardest working members of our community, our dear teachers, have found their own use for the chairs, not only by rolling in them, but also playing games. These games however, have become much more than that. Swivelball, as it is called has quickly evolving into a competitive sport with its own set of rules, statistics and dedicated fans. The staff here at Mr. Gazette launched a full-scale investigation into this new sport and is now prepared to report to you our finding in this article about the Blake Swivelball League.

Swivelball (a.k.a. SB or Swizbizz) is a gamesimilar to soccer or hock-eyin which two teams compete to get a ball into the opponents goal. Members of each team are required to sit in a swivel chair and must get around the field of play by pushing off the floor, walls, people or anything close to them.

Due to the silence of Blake School teachers on the subject, little more than this has been found out about the game. This however, changed when I stumbled across Mr. Mike Bazzett, a teacher that can only be de-scribed to those who dont know him as part English teacher,part poet, part, full on bad-ass. While Mr. Bazzett has many achievements, the one that really matters to us at Mr. Gazette was his role in the Blake Swivel-ball League. Now retired from the sport (after a whole 3 months), Mr. Bazzett can only be described as the greatest swivballer that ever lived. His agility was unprecedented, his physical prowess was unrelenting and his tenacity could only be rivaled by the combined insanity of Kanye West, Metta World Peace and Michelle Bachman. When asked why he left it all behind, he expressed reluctance to the question, but said, the game took over my lifeI had to get out of it for my overall well being.Before getting into the darker aspects of swivelball that drove him away, he talked about the glory days he had with the sport: It started off pretty small at first, just me and a few of the science teachers would play 2-on-2 or 3-on-3. But soon, more and more started to come. Everybody from Math to English and even a few of the administrators were involved. We started holding tournaments where teams of seven would go head to head.

He went on to describe the beautiful carnage of the atmosphere say-ing, the lights, the chairs it all just got into you. I wasnt the only one either. Dan Trockmonstosaurus Trockman, had his own war cry, Paul [Vetscher] would eat raw eggs before a game. Rod [Anderson] and Jim [Arnold] would provide commentary for each match. Some teachers would even place bets. Mr. Bazzett even explained how Health teacher, Cris Larson ironically developed a gambling addiction because of swivelball. Mr. Bazzett himself had his own routine he went through to help get him in the zone. Before a game, Id read a few passages from the Odyssey. After that Id listen to a special playlist I created, which was made up of music by Vivaldi, Phil Collins, The Insane Clown Posse

and Slipknot. Once I got the adrenaline pumping, Id add the finishing touch: a removable Mike Tyson style face tattoo.

For a moment, Mr. Bazzett almost seemed to enjoy the opportunity to reflect on his past experiences. However, as the discussion got deeper, the struggle he went through reliving these memories became evi-dent. Midway through the interview, Mr. Bazzett pulled out a flask from his desk (which I later found to be entirely filled with tea) and took a few sips before going on. As he settled, he explained to me the stats he racked up during his time in the BSL: In one game, I had seven waffle flippers and five banana bangers. While I had no idea what this meant, based on the context, I thought it was safe to assume it was an impres-sive feat. I then went on to have him describe himself as a player. In response, he asked me if I knew who Michael Jordan was. I nodded yes to the unusual question, which prompted him to explain, Now imag-ine if Michael Jordan was white, lived in Minnesota, had two kids and a wonderful wife, worked at a private, coeducational, nonsectarian PK-12 college preparatory school, which was established in 1900 where he taught English, made his students do weird stuff like make pterodactyl noises and rolled around in swivel chairs as a way to procrastinate and not grade papers. That was me except twice as good.

As he drank from his flask it was clear that he was becoming more intoxicated even though it wasas I must again remind youen-tirely filled with herbal tea. Without being prompted by a question, he went on to explain his relationship with his fellow coworkers and players.You cant trust people when youre as good as I was he ex-plained. Some of my competition would try and injure me or take me out the game. Ms. Lizz Buchanan, he explained, once tried to sprain his ankle by ramming a cart of books into his foot. Scott Hollander, his swivelball rival who he explained off record to never trust, once put laxatives in his coffee before a big game.When asked if he still played that day, he explained, Of course I played. Not playing would be on par with Walt Whitman not talking about himself. It was tough but I got over it. I put an adult diaper on played my the best game of my life.

Well where have I seen this handsome

fella before?

Mr. Mike Bazzett. His daydreams alone have won awards.


Iyar 5774

As Mr. Bazzett described however, sabotage committed by his com-petitors wasnt the only challenged he faced. He explained that early on in his involvement there were signs that swivelball was interfering with his life. Whether it was the days he would scare his children af-ter forgetting to wash off his face tattoo or the three concussions he sustained accidentally attempting to push off and roll in chairs that didnt have wheels on them, it was definitely something that came with its own set of problems. My wife wanted me to get help! he yelled through his drunken slurred speech (again, he was only drink-ing tea)but I didnt need help, I was the greatest. I was a god and gods need help from no one!

This attitude changed however, after the accident, which occurred on the night of November 10, 2013, a date Mr. Bazzett stated hell never forget. While he cant remember the details, the description of the events that transpired that night that he received from his family still remain fresh in his mind.Apparently that night I was sleepwalking, he explains struggling a bit. I woke up my wife and kids, when I started playing my Get Pumped playlist that I used to get ready for games. They tried to wake me up, but none of what they did worked. I dont know what I was dreaming about, but I ended up going through my whole pregame routine. After putting on my face tattoo, they said I grabbed a swivel chair, brought it outside and started rolling down the street.They tried to follow me in the car, but I would roll straight through intersections and heavy traffic.

I went a whole three miles without getting hit, Mr. Bazzett said chuck-ling to himself slightly. But then, his face darkened, my luck ran out when I got taken out by a Toyota Prius. At this point, he suddenly breaks into tears. Through gross, wet, man-tears, he described the severe injury he sustained, the worry he caused his family and friends, the shame he felt for himself. At that point, I knew it had to end.

In time, Mr. Bazzett got the help his wife wanted him to receive, ended his addiction to swivelball and worked to repair his life. He expressed that it wasnt easy for him, but when reminded of the alternative, he found the motivation needed to go on. While he hasnt been involved for sometime, for one of my final ques-tions I inquired on whether or not Mr. Bazzett knew the current state of the BSL. He was unsure of this, but explained that on certain days he could still hear the all too familiar rolling of wheels and vulgar exclama-tions of victory and defeat echo through the hallways of Blake. When asked if he thought there was hope of swivel ball becoming a national, or even worldwide sport, he explained, Only time will tell. If it does I can only hope no one goes through what I did and if they do, I want to be living proof that its something anyone can get over.

Whats Under That Hat?!By Eden Spencer

Steve Haugh. Safari Steve. The reason our school is danger free, and the tables in our junior lounge remain un-scuffed by the harsh soles of our shoes. We see him passing through the halls every day, and in the parking lot as he scavenges for rebellious teens wrongfully park-ing their cars in the guest lot. Safari Steve is no doubt a pinnacle of our lives here at Blake; but there is one thing that remains a mystery about Steve. Have you ever wondered to yourself what could possibly lie under that hat? I know I have. Well, through a recent survey issued here at Blake, we have narrowed the possibilities down to three of the most probable conspiracies. 37%ofthestudentsthatparticipatedinthesurveybelievethata small family of ferrets takes refuge under Steves hat. Speculations have also been raised that said ferrets control Steves body motions similar to the rat in the popular Disney/Pixar classic Ratatouille. 35%ofBlakestudentsthinkthatunderSteveshatthereliesagrowth mindset. This theory explains the out going personality and genuinely happy demeanor we see in Safari Steve every day. Thefinal28%percentofstudents(predominantlyfreshmen)hold the belief that under Steves hat secretly hides the meaning of stories that arent even true. After countless years of searching, these

students believe that the answer to the question has been under Steves hat all along.

Some out-of-school third parties have also taken notice of our aca-demic inquiries into this hotly debated topic. A rogue science agency, funded by the voice of our times, John Travolta, has come up with some theories of their own on the issue. After conducting many test, the group has warned against removing the hat entirely for fears that such an action would bring about a series of Ghostbusters-like events (marshmallow-man included), that could change the world as we know it.

This mystery has even garnered the attention of major, 24-hour news network, such as CNN, who has speculated that the missing Malaysian commercial aircraft, Flight MH 370, could very well be hiding under Steves hat. This is, however, just one of their drastic conjectures on the whereabouts of the flight and no proof has ever been found to prove it.

Unfortunately we were not able to come to a common consensus on what really lives under Safari Steves hat. In fact, we may never know. However, dont let that stop you from dreaming. Continue pondering this age old question because in the end, who knows, you just might be right.

Filler Bear


Iyar 5774

Where was Moss?As some of you may remember during the early months of the school year, our good friend Moss Shannon 15, had disappeared for a considerable period of time. He being a newcomer to Blake, his sudden absence a little more than a month or two into the school year was rather alarming and his time with us had felt smaller than the amount of food left over for second lunch. While Mr. Shannon eventu-ally returned and the Blake community was able to breathe a sigh of relief, we at Mr. Gazette, being the superstitious individuals that we are, came up with our own unique theories, seen below, of what cruel fate had befallen our lovable, yet slightly unsettling friend.

Gabe Cohn 15:Traveling to the furthest north he can get to join his fellow moss brotherens: The north pole. He fought polar bears and flocks of penguins. He treked the cold winter weather and built an igloo to keep him warm. He met up with the other mosses that grow in the north and became one of them. He made an ice sword to beat the monsters of the north and then got rescued by PETA and was brought back to the US.

Sebastian Moller 15:The last time I spoke to Moss, before he disappeared, we were both sitting in Mr. Temples office for homeroom like any other morning. When Mr. Temple finished reading us the morning bulletin and making fun of us as we were leaving, Mr. Temple said his usual Ill see you tomorrow morning, dont talk to me again until then please and I heard Moss mutter under his breath: No. You. Wont. Slightly confused, because thats an excessively dramatic thing to say on a Wednesday morning, I asked him if everything was alright as we walked out of the room. He stopped walking, but didnt turn around for about thirty seconds, and then, without ever breaking caustic eye-contact he finally said: Oh it will be. Soon. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and the temperature in the hallway seemed to drop twenty degrees. Celsius. We stood there for what seemed like an eternity, until he finally grabbed my shoulder and pulled me uncomfortably close to whisper something unintelligible in my ear. It sounded like he said Arnold never forgave you but thats impossible because theres no way Moss could know my goldfish that I would forget to feed in the first grade. Especially since he lives in the Pacific Ocean now because he got into this foreign exchange fish program my mom signed him up for way back when. He was supposed to come back in six months via bird bath but my mom showed me this letter he wrote to us about this really hot clown-fish he acci-dentally got pregnant and how he wasnt going to be able to come home because her parents are like super crazy traditional and wouldve disowned her if she didnt get married before laying her eggs or whatever. But yeah that was crazy, I dont know how Moss couldve possibly known. After he released me from his tender embrace he ran out of the front entrance into the street and I heard a cars skidding and honking, and assumed Moss had met his Maker. I guess he managed to crawl from the wreckage into a storm drain where he was nursed back to health by TMNT sensei, Splinters second cousin. During this time, Moss also trained in the ancient martial arts of Ninjutso and nunchuking.

Jackson Norris 15:Moss was either:1) Night putting, (putting at night) with the 15 year old daughter of the dean.

OR

2) He joined the war with the boys in Nam. When Moss went missing I knew that that there was nothing too unusual about it. He is a strong supporter of guns and the Second Amendment, and so I knew that he would be one of the first to jump out and kill some commie bastards. Clearly this shows how FTA Moss truly is. For those of you unaware of the new trending hashtag, FTA is For The America. What a guy. Were truly blessed to have such a pa-triotic human being of sorts in our grade.

P.S. For those wondering why he is back so soon it is because he injured his ankle and had to get surgery upon it and so he is on medical leave of absence.


Iyar 5774

Caroline Uphus 15:If youre ever on Excelsior Blvd, youre probably hittin up the good ol Noodles and Company or even some Yogurt Lab (fro yo as the teens like to call it). Along with these two food establishments there is Chipotle, Whole Foods, even a Jamba Juice. I bet youre wondering, what the heck does the location of Minneapolis premier dining have to do with where Moss was?? Well Ill tell ya. Tucked and hidden away in the hustle and bustle of the busy street of Excelsior Blvd is Moss Envy. Moss Envy is a clothing and home dcor store but with a twistits eco friendly. Turns out Moss owns this store and is very environmentally conscious. I first picked up on the fact he was so eco-friendly when a Freshman crumpled up a ball of paper and shot it into the trash can yelling KOBE and missed (classic Kobe move). When the freshman missed the trash can and kept walking I then saw none other than Moss walk over and pick up the crumpled paper and put it in the recycling. It never occurred to me however that Moss owned Moss Envy. But I still havent explained where Moss was. It turns out Moss was trying to develop an eco-friendly light bulb, one that is more efficient than the average lightbulb. Moss traveled all over the Middle East and Eastern Europe gathering data and consulting with his expert team on how to make this vision possible. But Moss dream of making a more efficient light bulb was crushed when a street vendor in Budapest told him Dude, theyve had those light bulbs for a while now, what kind of crap show are you running here? Defeated, Moss had no choice but to return to Min-nesota, and continue selling organic mattresses and gluten free eye shadow at 50% off. But dont worry, Moss has moved on to his next project, of making a car that runs solely on electricity. Yeah ok good luck with that one Moss.

Joe Owens 15:Wait Moss is a first name? I thought we had a new girl in our grade named Shannon Moss. Thats wild. Oh, whered he go? Hell if I know, the mans name is Moss he could literally be anywhere.

Calvin Rusley 16:Moss got in a time machine, landed on the Titanic, swam a superhuman distance to shore in frigid water, walked to Denver from New York, won a horse race (without a horse), fell into a coma from exhaustion, racked up medical bills for 4 months, awoke from his coma, wrestled a bear, gambled away his remaining 5 cents, won it back (but only 5 cents), started a business selling gourmet houseplants, payed of his debts, lost the business in the great depression, enlisted in the army, shot 7 Nazis, punched a V2 rocket to save a little english boy named Timmy, read War and Peace, recorded an album with Elvis Presley (which was tragically lost in a fire), worked on the Apollo Space Program, got back in his time machine and returned to school.

Brynne Swearingen 15:On some rocks...

Nick Hughes 15:Fulfilling his lifelong dream of becoming the worlds largest tension fabric manufacture. Moss Inc. is best known for being the first to bring tension fabric to trade shows.

Annelise Ellingboe 16He embarked on an expedition to the lands known as the Da-kotas. His findings indicate that there are actually people living there, contrary to popular belief. He swiftly enslaved the natives. After some heavy interrogation of the locals, he learned that there are more wild land out in the southwest. Some called it Ne-braska, others called it Montana. Whatever the case was, it was a journey for another day.

It was long specluated that Moss had been hitchhiking across the galaxy with his faith-ful feline companion, Little Bandito.

Moss Shannon 15:I was sick...


Iyar 5774

The Words of the Righteous Man: An Advice ColumnBy Jackson Norris

For those of you that have been living under a rock, or were diagnosed with blindness sometime in the past few years (we at Mr. Gazette are very sorry to hear that by the way), within the Blake school we have a well known legend in our midst, and he goes by the name of Jackson Norris. Mr. Norris, a man whose anecdotes alone make Homers The Odyssey look like the menu at a Quiznos is truly the pinnacle of manliness. Could there possibly be a drawback to being this damn amazing? Only one as Mr. Norris has told us at Mr. Gazette. People are always asking for advice at the worst times. In the middle of a game of golf, during a test, while Im on the can. I appreciate the love, but this is egregious. So to mitigate some of this harassment, Mr. Norris has been given an advice column here in Gazette. Hopefully, in answering the questions of these lost souls, Jackson will be able to answer your questions as well, so that in the future he will be able to take a crap in peace.

Question #1:Jackson, everyday when I see you in the halls, you just look so fresh and ready to go. I just have to know, what do you do to get ready for the day?

Response:*cough cough* Check! Check! This thing on? Folks I got a fever, and the only prescription is being a badass. I get up in the morning and the first thing I do is crap excellence. After that Ill spend about 50 minutes molding the mane to ensure perfection. The veteran play here folks is the hair, I mean have you seen it cause I have, and its gorgeous. After that I typically throw on something business casual and make my trek to school. Some call me a thinker, some call me a seduction artist, and some call me Jason, but folks Im just like you, only, better looking. You can take solace in the fact that its out of your control. In the end though, Im just a man with a voice and a dream. A dream of one day becoming the voice of Cheboygan Area High-School radio. Make my dream a reality. Vote Norris 4 Prez 2014.

Question #2:Long story short, Ive got a dead body on my hands. How do I get rid of it?

Response:Whenever Im forced to end a mans life the first thing I do is repent. I know its clich but you have to remember that you just killed a guy. Next step is getting that thing wrapped up and in a trunk, preferably a colleagues or friends, so its out of sight and easily transportable to your next location, the lake!! Drop that bad boy like its hot I dont care if its Lake Nokomis or Lake Michigan let her loose.

Filler bear!


Iyar 5774

HoroscopesBy Joe Owens and Caroline Uphus

Because entrusting us with your future wouldnt be the worse decision youve made.

Aries: Everything you make in your visual arts class will look vaguely phallic for the whole the next month. Dont take a visual arts class? Youre ugly.

Taurus:If your uncle looks weird, youre uncles weird. Dont sit next to him.

Gemini: This is the month of being rewarded for taking risks! So head-butt a wasps nest! Pursue a relationship with a a person with two missing fin-gers and no last name! Shave your eyebrows! Go get em tiger ;)

Cancer: Ohhh kill em

Leo: Youre adopted.

Virgo:, , , , , , , ,

Libra:This is the month of the runs. You will get diarrhea every science class for next the month. BYOTP (Bring Your Own Toilet Paper).

Scorpio: Everything you do will be metal as heck this month

Sagittarius: Make like waterfall and throw yourself off a cliff!

Capricorn: Capricorn? More like Capri-BORN! Yeah thats right. Boom roasted, youre ugly.

Aquarius: The stars have aligned and they say that you will develop an unwanted craving for pickled beets.

Pisces:Youre a fish. Glug glug glug.

Poop & Stuff : An Academic ApproachBy Professor Isaac GittyUp Frans

Now everyone always talks about poop. No matter where you are or who you are, poop is on the tips everyones lips. Dont get me wrong it is an important topic that needs delving into but not in this article, not to-day. This article is about stuff. The everyday stuff, the special occasion stuff, and the kind of stuff you dont want the government to know about.

My loose definition of the word stuff is well if you dont know what stuff is then I am greatly surprised you have been able to make it this far in the article because you are probably illiterate*.

The everyday stuff: poop, bed, drink, pants, awkward sweating in the middle of a class discussion, and just about everything else in-be-tween. I bet there are some little jerk-faces out there who are reading this and are saying right now HEY! I thought he said that he wasnt going to talk about poop! Well you know what, DUCK YOU! I do what I want when I want, and technically speaking poop is stuff so shut your mouth. And if politicians dont have to keep their promises then neither do I.

*If you actually are illiterate I do apologize even though you will not understand this apology because you are illiterate and all of this must look like nonsense. The good news is if you did think you were illiterate and can read and understand this message you are probably not illiterate and congratulations on the good news. I hope you enjoy many good books. If you need any suggestions just Google it.

Ill just go on to the next topic and Ill keep it short and sweet. The spe-cial occasion stuff is the stuff that happens on a special occasion. Its as simple as that. Please dont email me asking for further details on this subject because I will only replay with a picture of a monkey, throwing poop at another monkey because thats the kind of stuff I find funny.

On to the most important stuff in the world, the stuff you dont want the government to find out about. Weve all had our share of medicinal marijuana gardens in our backyard; euthanasia centers in our basement and of course our fair share of black tar heroine (we do live in Minnesota, am I right?). Now-a-days its tougher to keep the stuff you dont want the government to find out about a secret than the World Health Organi-zation trying to get rid of the common cold. Theres the NSA (No Secrets Allowed) and your donkey face neighbor hacker friend who always uses your wi-fi, that peppy little spit cluck! Sorry that kind of stuff really ticks me off. (Well since this is really just a filler article Ill wrap it up)

I hope after reading this article you will take a minute out of everyday just to think about stuff. Because its more important than you will ever know.


Iyar 5774

Labor Dispute: Filler-Bears Done Filling!By Sebastian Moller

MINNEAPOLIS, MN: Its a bad year to be a Filler Bear or a Filler Bear Photographer. For those of you that do not know, Filler Bears are the mammals present in numerous places throughout issues of the Gazette. They are a diverse bunch, varying in breed, shape, size, color and tem-perament. Here at Gazette we find pictures of these illustrious creatures, and publish them in our aforementioned magazine, to culture you- the knowledge-hungry reader- with the complex and misunderstood beauty that is the Bear (like pin-up-girls, with an Animal Planet twist). In the past we have featured portraits of the superfluous Sun Bear, pan-oramas of the cunning Kodiak bear, prints of the gruff Grizzly and so on. But, in this issue, I regret to say that your thirst for the viewing of these awe-inspiring critters will not be quenched.

This years Gazette has seen the emergence of Filler Bear strikes and demonstrations, with the Bears we all know and love, demanding higher wages, maternity and paternity leave benefits, workers compen-sation for on-the-clock injuries and the right to unionize. They refuse to pose for our photographers, painters, printmakers, cinematographers, and interpretive dancers. They do not share with the world what we so desperately need. And, why, you may ask? Because, they are entitled to certain rights (their words not mine), that protect them and the integ-rity of their craft. And they are tired of the infringement of their rights to privacy when we photograph these bears without their consent. What Id like to ask these salmon-eating hooligans is: why are you so selfish? Hmm? Answer me that. Why are you beautiful, brutish bastards so selfish?

Now I have discussed this issue with many of the leaders of the Bear Solidarity Movement, who desire the means of production for the bears themselves, because they feel alienated and marginalized by us taking

pictures of them to fill up empty space in our magazine because we lack the creativity and work ethic to write more articles. For the record, my response to this slander is visceral, resembling an emotional break down only Leonardo DiCaprio would be able to fully capture through dramatic acting. Another one of these pinko Pooh-bears said that there is an imbalance of power between the photographer and the individual bear, who is often unable to communicate their lack of desire to be photo-graphed, and, even when they are actively posing, never see any check in the mailbox for the work they have done- never anything more than a condescending pot of honey. These are the reasons for which we strike. I laugh at this; I mean whats next? Am I going to have to start paying chairs for letting me put my ass on them? Please, the only imbalance of power Ive ever witnessed between a man and a bear was in Brother Bear when one ate that Native American guy.

Thus, we have come to the obvious conclusion: replace the bears- which we have done- with the much more easily controlled penguins. The angry former Filler-Bears, currently on strike, refer to these Penguins as nothing more than labor scabs, and tension between the two species has grown to dangerously high levels. We here at Gazette see no future of changing our policies to match with the demands of these bears, but the possibility of violence is becoming more and more real with every strike. Anyway, enjoy the penguins.

An artist depiction of the Filler Bear strike, illustrated by Brynne Swearingen. Isnt she just a darling?


Iyar 5774

Record Turnout at the Snow Ball DanceBy Calvin Rusley

The Snow Ball Dance set the all time record for attendance in the history of the Blake School of Excellence. Like, oh my God! Following a wicked PR campaign to promote the dance, involving two assembly announce-ments and a bulletin mention, organizers were expecting a moder-ate turnout, but they were wholly unprepared for the bulk of students in attendance. In total a staggering 5 freshman attended, as well as 7 teachers and two sad DJs, who were also really attractive, according to testimony from two Blake Freshman who made up a very small portion of those in attendance. Upon entering the dance floor made from the Junior and Senior Lounges, students encountered the teachersnonchalantly [chilling and vegging out], contemplating the attendance, which was undeniably large.

Reveries of a Lost Mind: Gabe Cohn on Fixed MindsetBy me

Teachers, especially at Blake, drill into our brains the benefits of a growth mindset and how you can expand your knowledge by working hard at what you do. This is all foolishness. If you got it, you got it. If you need to work hard to achieve success, you are doing it all wrong. The key to success is nothing. Just.do.nothing! I want you guys to go out into the world knowing that you cannot improve on your abilities. I mean 10,000 hours to achieve success? Who the hell has that kind of time! I know I dont. Go out into the world and realize that you are going to die someday. You will die and people will miss you but they will move on. No matter what you do in this lifetime, people will judge you. Just do what you want to do without putting any effort into it. Mindsetonline.com states, In a growth mindsetbrains and talent are just the starting point. SO basically they are saying you do not need your brain to achieve complete success. I mean brains are completely pointless right? It is not like you need them to walk, talk, breathe, and stay alive. This website is telling people that once you get going, to remove their brain because they do not need it anymore because brains and talent are just the starting point. This website is also saying once you are successful you do not need talent anymore. I mean, take Miley Cyrus for example. Her dad was famous, she became a singer/actress on Disney Channel and now she grinds on a married man at an award ceremony. Or take Adam Sandler. He was a talented actor in his early days but now his career has gone to complete crap. I do not know the last time he actually came out with a decent movie. I feel sorry for people like them. Remember, having a fixed mindset is better because if you do not have it to begin with, you wont have it at the end. If you do not agree with me, I do not care. Mazel Tov! May Jesus be with you. Alaikum assalam.

Look at all those people!

On the topic of the food at the event, one Blake Freshman said, They promised us burritos, we received none, likely owing to the sheer number of students that the school would have to feed. But also, like, wheresthebeef?Asforthemusic,the80sthemewastotallygnarly,with a playlist of only Dubstep, as another freshman recalled. The lights were raging around and it was really dark. The dance was so thoroughly entertaining that many of the teachers left before the students, who were pumped up in their leg-warmers and sweaters. One of the teachers in attendance, who did not consent to an entirely fabricated interview, suggested a possible cause for the turnout. I think the totally tubular clashing colors of three decades ago really captured the radically fresh ideals of the Blake School. A Blake Freshman offered this analysis: [Yeah, I mean we were stoked for this dance. Totally psyched. The organizers just took it to the max, dude!].

Looking forward, the Snow Daze dance faces a tough battle for the title of most highly-attended dance. If they do some sort of bogus semi-for-mal dance, Ill just be like grody man! Theres no way any mallrat would get stoked for that, projected a man who stumbled out of a DeLorean. I guess well just have to wait and see.

Filler Peguin

Mr. GazetteMr. Gazette 12 13Its what youve been looking for and you didnt even know it.

Iyar 5774 Iyar 5774Its what youve been looking for and you didnt even know it.

Sebastian MollerToken HomophobeSebastian was born in the rural town-ship of Herlev, Denmark and soon after moved to the rural township of Kennet Square, Pennsylvania. He was six years old the first time he met a black person.

Brynne SwearingenI joined because I thought Mr. Bazzett ran Gazette4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me - I cant cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...Im booked. Of course, if i bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?

Aaron SharperBrave Man FreeThe person you have come to know as Aaron Sharper is, in fact, not Aaron Sharper, but Otis Cleveland, an escapee of the 1971 Attica Prison riot. In truth the real Aaron Sharper died 7 years ago from a particularly bad case of halitosis and as a way of evading capture, Cleveland chose to pose as Aaron and take on his life. As a 63 year-old man, Cleveland has done a pretty good job of posing as Aaron with the exception of the occasional anachro-nistic tendency, such as his love for jazz, Bill Cosby, O.J. Simpson and his unequivocal abil-ity to make prison wine. It is very likely that after the release of this information in this issue of Gazette, Cleveland will be forced to flee once again as a way of avoiding capture. It is encouraged that you give Aaron Sharper your love and affection in the form of money, food and free-piggyback rides since the next time you see him may be the last.

Nick HughesThe Pre-Pubescent Punch to the FaceIn 1998, Nick was born the lovechild of Bernie Mac and Sinead OConnor. He now resides in Edina, MN where he spends his weekends brewing home-made avocado juice and watching Ev-erybody Loves Raymond reruns.

Gabe CohnTBAGabe Cohn was born in Kansas, Missouri in 1996. He ran for president at the age of 7 years old but came out empty handed. He also likes being one with the sea cows (manatees) and is well known for his invention of the money magnet. He loves to travel with his two pet ducks Jim and James and plans to be the first Jew to travel to the sun.

Jordan PotterJoperIn April 2009, North Koreas constitu-tion was amended to refer to him as the Supreme Leader. In 2010, he was ranked 31st in Forbes Magazines List of The Worlds Most Power-ful People.

Kevin ChristiansonPretty much sums it up...

Annelise EllingboeI swear to God I woke up in Hogwarts last weekendMy lazy husband Aaron asked me to edit articles and then wasnt gonna give me credit. Also, I enjoy clayma-tion.

Staff BiosGet to know the people that procrastinated

day-in and day-out to get this one issue done.Get to know the people that procrastinated

day-in and day-out to get this one issue done.

Eden SpencerEden was born at the tender age of zero years old in 1996 in Minneapo-lis MN. He is currently in spanish level 3, yet prefers the english lan-guage.

Joe OwensToken GayJoe Owens has eaten so many Sour Patch Kids in his life the lining of his stomach has dissolved. He was voted Most Likely To Get In A Car Crash Because Of Snap-chat. Something that makes Joe happy are temporary tattoos, and his goal before he graduates high school is to get in a fight.

Alex SigmundikHello my name is Zander......................................SugmuhdekAlexs last name sounds awfully similar to the most commonly used chirp in hyper-masculine team sports. He was also voted most likely to tattoo himself by the members of the National Art Honor Society. As far as the kittens are concerned, geometry knows.

Caroline UfoosProfessional Dog Whisperer Caroline Uphus has been collecting only left handed mittens for the past 6 years. One of her hobbies is seeing if she can try all the samples at the grocery store in under a minute and is look-ing forward to the next time someone tells her she looks like Meryl Streep but in the best way possible.

Calvin RusleyLibertarian Freedom-FighterAre they watching you? Check behind you. Check the air ducts. No room is safe. Escape to the desert.

Moss ShannonThe HowitzerI like to play with my friends.

Isaac FransDeceasedHe lived, he laughed, he loved. (1996-2014)

Charles Angus Gus Austin Gus Mom, I swear it isnt my kid Austin Austin, born in 1996, was the top suspect in the mur-der of rapper Tupac Shakur, but later acquitted of the charges based on the fact that he wasnt alive. In 2003, Austin married actress Carmen Electra on the beautiful island of Peru, they settled down and had 14 children, all named Marco. He later was caught smuggling killer whales out of a North Korean theme park called Kim Jong-uns Aquatic Wonderland and is serving a life sentence as the only inmate in Alcatraz. Austin was later released after his case was appealed on the insanity defense. He then started the non-profit foundation You Cant Have My Sperm...Whales that was made to stop the attacks on the innocent capture of sperm whales. He now resides in Minneapolis, Minnesota with his one true son Polo (haha).

Staff Bios


Iyar 5774

Humans of BlakeA totally original look into the lives of students at an instituion of

excellenceBy Caroline Ufoos (and some other people kinda)

We are Mr. Gazette and we began Humans of Blake in the summer of 1972. We thought it would be really cool to create an exhaustive cata-logue of Blakes Northrop inhabitants, so we set out to photograph 100 Blake students and put their photos in a newspaper. We worked for several minutes with this goal in mind, but somewhere along the way, we got lazy and distracted and lethargic and there was anarchy and babies crying and you get the gist. So we started collecting quotes and short stories from the people we met, and began including these snip-pets alongside the photographs. Taken together, these portraits and captions became the subject of a vibrant article. With a whopping 69 fol-lowers on social media (@Mister_Gazette), HOB now provides a school-wide audience with daily glimpses into the sad lives of students at Blake Northrop Campus. Please join on us on the magical venture.

Theyll never find the body-Brianna Pomonis, Grade 10

As a three season athlete, I can relate to how the Ukrainians feel right now.-Greg Lim, Grade 11

I quit my last job because they said I couldnt wear snapbacks.-Eric Elftmann, Grade 9

One time I walked the entire length of a hallway with one nipple out.-Jack Crawford, Grade 10

Hes not my boyfriend...-Kelly Brakken, Grade 9

And thats when I realized putting salsa down your pants doesnt end well.-Charles Vjota, Grade 11

Parking in the teacher parking lot and get-ting away with it really isnt that hard. Every morning I dress up like Rod Anderson and walk into the school and no one gives me a second glance. Rod Anderson actually retired 15 years ago. -Annelise Ellingboe, Grade 10

If I had a dollar for every mastering phys-ics I passed, Id be in debt.-Sarah Waldfogel, Grade 12


Iyar 5774

Random Acts of Kruelty Club Started at BlakeBy Joe Owens

MEMES! MEMES! MEMES!By Joe Owens

What is a meme you may ask? According to Urban Dictionary, my dictionary of choice, a meme (pronounced may-may) is a pervasive thought or thought pattern that replicates itself via cultural means; a parasitic code, a virus of the mind es-pecially contagious to children and the impressionable. This makes memes sound scary, and I can assure you, dear reader, that they are not at all as contagious as Urban Dictionary user Emme makes them out to be.

In more jazzy terms, a meme is a new and exciting way for Internet savvy teens to express their feelings towards certain aspects of life, such as the famous U mad bro? meme that rocked the Internet, allowing the poster to revel in that feel-ing of one-upmanship toward their brethren. This meme, ac-cording to KnowYourMeme.com, originated from the popu-lar rap slang thrown around in hip-hop music, as a form of freestyle battling. Would you look at that! We learn something new and exciting from memes everyday.

And here I share a few of my favorite memes

Filler Penguin

On a chilly, 0 degree morning representative of the presence of the Mid-west Polar-vortex, Blake students start to fill the crowded hallways with the shuffles of their Sorel boots and Timberlands, a pink glow on their cheeks and water in their eyes from the biting wind outside. Students lin-ger by the bagel-making station in the lunchroom, by the cheering fires in the senior and junior lounges, and to use English teacher Michael Ba-zettes infamous words, in the aneurysm the Sophomores call a lounge that makes up the central hub of the second floor.

The tired morning is disturbed, however, by one student, who shall remain nameless, smacking the coffee cup out of the helpless hand of another, bewildered, student, sending it splashing down the stairs by the senior lounge. The unnamed student then proceeded to walk to home-room like nothing had happened, leaving the coffee-less student coffee-less and sad, and curious seniors wondering why there was coffee all over the stairs.

Instances like these are becoming more and more frequent, and whispers of a new organization within the esteemed Blake halls are pervasive in every social circle; this organization apparently calls itself The Random Acts of Kruelty Club.

With the emergence of the Random Acts of Kindness Club this year, cre-ated by Callahan Vertin and Molly Apple, Blake has seen a large increase in general happiness. Students can be seen smiling walking out of bath-rooms, most likely because they just realized, thanks to the Potty Papers

plastered above urinals and in stalls, that there is in fact no angry way to say the word bubbles. These random acts of kindness, along with a recent bake sale, have boosted happiness and kindness within the Blake community.

To find out more about the rumored Random Acts of Kruelty Club, I spoke with Jeff Trinh, physics teacher and faculty leader of the Random Acts of Kindness Club.

Yeah I created the Random Acts of Kruelty Club, he admits. Shocked, I ask him the burning question on my mind, Why?

With the creation of the Random Acts of Kindness Club, Blake was just getting a little too kind, Trinh says. We needed something to balance it out.

A valid point, but will this new organization jibe well with the tight-knit community that is the Blake school? Anthony Hu 15 thinks so. When asked about the new, controversial organization, Hu says, I think its definitely a good idea. Too much kindness and Blake will get complacent, we need something to remind them of the harsh reality that is the real world.

Some food for thought. Tell us your opinion: do you think the Random Acts of Kruelty Club is a good idea? Will this yin-yang effect make the Blake community the best possible community it can be? Letter submis-sions will be published in the next edition of Mr. Gazette.


Iyar 5774

Page O Games

3) Numbering by ColorsA twist on a classic activity. Fill in numbers in the blank spaces according to the color the space is next to. Just another way that Mr. Gazette is ruining your childhood memories. Its just about as fun as it sounds.

1) Conspiracy Theorists Crossword PuzzleThe Truest Crossword Youll Ever Complete. Or is it?

4) Find Your Hockey NicknameBy Sopping Suckle Man and Farty McFart Foot

2) A perfectly normal Sudoku...hehehe