Moving ForwardMoving Forward

Encouraging & Achieving Positive Change in Myself and Others

God Creates and Recreates through Stages of Growth

1. All things pass through a process in time to grow and to improve

2. When we want to change ourselves, we face two needs:• To grow in knowledge, skills and maturity of attitude• To tear down and replace the patterns we have already

established, and reverse the mistakes we have made

Personal Change Occurs in Stages, Not in One Step

Change is a process, not a single event The process of change always follows certain

stages We move through each stage at our own pace

and may get stuck in one stage Each stage involves different tasks and

challenges, and requires certain strategies No long-lasting change can be forced on us

from outside

6 Stages of Change

1. Pre-Contemplation “I don’t want to

change”

2. Contemplation “Maybe I should

change”

3. Preparation “I’m getting ready to

change”

4. Action “I’m changing”

5. Maintenance “I’ve changed”

6a. Termination

6b. Lapse “I made a mistake”

6c. Relapse “I can’t change”

Cycle of Change

1.Pre-

Contemplation

3.Preparation

4.Action

5.Maintenance

2.Contemplation

6b. Lapse6c.Relapse

6a. Termination

Overview of the Stages of Change

Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation of Change

“I’m OK--I don’t need to change”

“I can’t change” “So I do that—

what’s the big deal?”

Not thinking about change Little or no awareness of a

problem Or too discouraged to change

any time soon Complacent and defensive No interest in help Defends our actions

Common Defenses in this Stage

1. Denial Or making the problem

small “I get into a little trouble

with my bills sometimes”

2. Rationalizing Excusing the problem “It relaxes me”

3. Blaming Scapegoating

or putting the problem on others

“I wouldn’t do this if you were nicer to me”

What Moves Us Forward in Stage 1

A rude awakening To overcome the

unawareness or fear of change

Noticing the negative results of our habit

When the pain of not changing seems to outweigh the pain of changing

1. External pressures Family needs Work needs The law Health needs

2. Internal pressures

Maturation

Fatigue or discomfort

Fear

Guilt

Feeling trapped

Stage 2: Contemplation of Change

Thinking about change

Aware of bad results of our actions

Conflicted, unsettled, undecided

Weighs the upside and downside of changing

“There may be a problem”

“I’m not sure I want to

change, at least not yet”

“I guess I should do

something because if I

don’t…”

“Sometimes it’s bad but I can

handle it”

“I want to change but I’m

scared”

What Moves Us Forward in Stage 2

Fight discomfort to learn more about your habit, from authorities and from people who know you

Notice the real consequences of your habit for yourself and others

Use your imagination and books and movies to feel the real future costs of not changing

Deciding about Change

Don’t Want to Change What do I like about the

way things are now? What are the good points

about the present situation, for me and others?

Want to Change What don’t I like about

the way things are now? What are the bad points

about the present situation, for me and others?

Stage 3: Preparation to Change

Motivated, committed and making plans

“I want to change and I am thinking about how to do it”

New focus on the solution more than the problem

Plans for change within the next month or so

Gathers information, advice and support

Freely admits how bad the problem is

Builds up momentum and confidence

Takes small steps now toward change

Planning & Preparation Is Needed for Successful Change

“What can I do? How can I change?” “What do I need to help me change and keep it

going?” “What information do I need? What skills?” “Where can I get training?” “Who can support me?” “What obstacles would I face? How would I cope

with them? “What do I work on first? Second? Third?”

What Moves Us Forward in Stage 3

1. Make SMART goals:

specific, measurable,

action-oriented, realistic,

time-based

2. Expect uncertainty;

call it an “experiment”

3. Don’t procrastinate;

there is no perfect time

or perfect plan, and you

don’t have to know

everything

4. Review past successes

5. Set a date and write down small steps to take action

5. Tell others to help boost your motivation

6. Make backup plans for bad days

7. Expect your life to be unbalanced at first

8. Focus on a better future, not the problem

Stage 4: Action to Change

Actively changing “I’m making the effort

to change” “This is hard but it’s

getting better” “It feels good” Focused, optimistic

enthusiastic

Try new actions, skills and attitudes

Adjust your environment Deal with discomfort and

resistance within yourself and from other people

Keep motivated through short-term rewards

Overcome obstacles one day at a time

What Moves Us Forward in Stage 4

1. Remind yourself of the long term benefits and any present rewards, to offset the sacrifices

2. Keep your goals a priority

3. Replace old habits with healthy new practices to meet your needs better

4. Use reminders and cues to remember the actions you want

5. Measure your results6. Replace irrational

thinking with affirmations and more reasonable thoughts

7. Meet your needs for support—and help someone else

8. Mentally rehearse or role play the successful handling of difficult or tempting situations

Stage 5: Maintenance of Change

Sustaining the change “I’m living in a new

way.” “I have to keep working

at this” “I can’t give up after all

my progress” The change is no

longer a major focus Confident, proud,

steady

Apply new skills and attitudes in shifting circumstances

Anticipate and avoid temptations

Celebrate progress and enjoy gains

Keep the change going for at least six months until it becomes permanent

What Moves Us Forward in Stage 5

1. Reach out to help others with the same problem

2. Vary routines to keep it interesting

3. Devise effective refusal skills to handle social pressure

4. Adjust your lifestyle to help sustain this change

5. Keep learning new information and skills

6. Be careful about letting your guard down

7. Put helpers on call

8. Expect lapses and prepare to recover from them

Stage 6a: Termination of Change

“I don’t even think about it anymore”

The new habit is now second nature

Beyond temptation to return to old behaviors

May not be possible for certain tendencies

Complacency and declaring victory too soon can lead to a lapse or relapse

Stage 6b. Lapse from Change

Single step backwards into old habits

One mistake, caught before it was repeated

To be expected, especially when stressed

“I slipped but I am getting back on track”

The challenge is to return to the change and not get discouraged

Process goes back to Stage 4 and 5, Action and Maintenance

Stage 6c. Relapse from Change

Mistake repeated over and over

“I can’t change—it’s too hard”

Giving up and surrendering to the old habits

Process goes back to Stage 1 or 2, Pre-Contemplation or Contemplation

Momentum is lost Feeling guilty, defeated,

hopeless Motivation must be

revived and the decision to change made over again

What Helps Us Keep a Lapse from Turning into a Relapse

1. Plan in advance how to respond to a mistake

Give yourself a penalty Report to an

accountability ally right afterwards

Allow a friend to take action to help you get back on track

2. Study each mistake to learn how to prevent another one

Use a lapse to get smarter and stronger

Cycle of Change

1.Pre-

Contemplation

3.Preparation

4.Action

5.Maintenance

2.Contemplation

6b. Lapse6c.Relapse

6a. Termination

Helping in Each Stage of Change

When Are the Best Times to Help Someone Change?

1. Pre-Contemplation• “I don’t want to change”

2. Contemplation• “Maybe I should change”

3. Preparation• “I’m getting ready to

change”

4. Action• “I’m changing”

5. Maintenance• “I’ve changed”

6. Termination

6b. Lapse • “I made a mistake”

6c. Relapse• “I can’t change”

Always Respect Personal Responsibility & Autonomy

Don’t try to talk someone into change before they are readyThey can spend all their energy defending why they can’t or won’t changeThe negative attitudes and beliefs get more entrenchedThey forget their own doubts about their habitThey see your attack on their autonomy as the problem instead of the real problem

Wrong questions: “Why don’t you want

to change?” “How can you say

you don’t have a problem?”

“Why can’t you just…?”

This only leads to defending their actions

Help Them Find & StrengthenTheir Own Motivation to Change

1. They are empowered only by their own conclusions

Others’ views are irrelevant until they want to change

2. Listen to highlight their own reasons to do something differently

3. Help them clarify: Disadvantages of the

present situation Advantages of change Optimism for change Intention to change

Helping in Stage 1: “I Don’t Want to Change” I

Encourage them to move towards considering a change— gently, if possible

1. Don’t nag They’ll view you as the

problem They’ll tune you out Actions are usually

better than words

2. Don’t criticize Trying to make

someone want to please you by insulting them does not work

3. Don’t enable Don’t soften the

damage that their problem brings to them

Helping in Stage 1: “I Don’t Want to Change” II

Request a change without being judgmental or demanding

Rather than telling them what to do, tell them what you will do in response to unwanted behavior

1. Ask for the change you want “Please speak to me

respectfully”

2. Explain what is unacceptable “Do not call me insulting names”

3. Declare what you will do if it persists

“I will leave the room.”

4. Reaffirm your respect for their autonomy

“You are free to do what you like but I will not listen to disrespect.”

Helping in Stage 1: “I Don’t Want to Change” II

1. Express empathy Show you

understand their view without criticism or judgment

Reflect back their mixed feelings of both liking and disliking the habit

But don’t try to “fix” their problem.

2. Highlight differences between desires and results

Help them explore the gap between what they say they want and what they see they are getting

Don’t point it out; support their own observations

Bring out their own motivation to change, not yours

Helping in Stage 1: “I Don’t Want to Change” III

3. Roll with resistance Expect resistance Change tactics; avoid

direct opposition Ask permission to share a

different view Don’t argue and cause

them to defend why they don’t want to change

Don’t alienate yourself from them

4. Support self- effectiveness

Affirm they are responsible for change

Express confidence that they can change if they ever decide to try

Let them take the lead in finding solutions

Show unconditional love so it is safe to fail

Helping in Stage 2: “Maybe I Should Change”

1. Tell them you know that they are in charge of deciding if and when they change

2. Acknowledge that they are only considering it and not ready yet

3. Help them clarify their views on the pros and cons of change

4. Acknowledge their mixed feelings about changing

5. Convey, “I will love you no matter what”

6. Offer information

7. Give observations rather than confrontations

8. Reassure them that the next step would be preparation, not action

Helping in Stage 3: “I’m Getting Ready to Change”

1. Offer information and suggestions as much as they seem receptive

2. Tell them you’re proud of them for making the change

3. Offer to help if they look overwhelmed

4. Relieve anxiety by reminding them you will appreciate their courage even if all does not go well

5. Let them know you’d celebrate even a small change

Helping in Stage 4: “I’m Changing”

1. Offer ongoing praise and other rewards for their effort

2. Make it easier by joining them in some of their changes or at least removing temptations

3. Follow their lead to control their environment

4. Don’t nag, preach, scold or embarrass them unless you have permission

5. Forgive them for being irritable or other faults during this stressful time

Helping in Stage 5: “I’ve Changed”

1. Acknowledge how far they have come, to help them not to take the change for granted without nagging them

2. Don’t monitor their behavior unless invited to

3. Offer support; make it safe for them to confess a lapse

Helping in Stage 6: “I Made a Mistake” or “I Can’t Change”

1. Help them acknowledge the effort and the progress they have made

2. Convey your respect for how hard it is to stay on course over a long period

3. Help them see this not as failure but as a natural part of learning and developing skills

Resource

• Prochaska, Norcross and DiClemente, Changing for Good (New York: Harper, 1995)