Chapter 1 Isn’t It Time to Move Mountains?

Chapter 2 My What an Ugly “Dross” You Are Wearing

Chapter 3 Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?!

Chapter 4 Slam the Door…Gently

Chapter 5 Road Rage and a Yield Sign

Chapter 6 Oh, Mercy…

Chapter 7 Pass the Fruit

Chapter 8 The Problem with Partiality

Chapter 9 Hypocrite…That’s Me!

Chapter 1

ISN’T IT TIME TO MOVE MOUNTAINS?

There is, perhaps, no better time to evaluate our relationships than right after a big event or holiday celebration. Our truest colors usually make an appearance after only a few hours with close family and friends. Those childlike tendencies seem to come out of the woodwork, and our relationship issues rise to the surface before we even serve dessert!

A few years ago, I was struggling to figure out how I was supposed to navigate through some difficult things within my relationships. I was at the point where I was ready to start shutting people out. I found myself growing weary of being nice. I didn’t feel like keeping the peace any longer. I was done.

Ever feel that way?

Then one day (before I dead-bolted my door to the world), I was listening to an online devotion while making dinner. I heard the teacher quote a passage of Scripture that leapt right out and grabbed my heart.

“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.” (James 3:17-18 NKJV)

I couldn’t shake it. I couldn’t forget it. I was transformed by it. The phrase “willing to yield” played over and over in my mind. The difficult relationships I was so ready to give up were suddenly put into a new perspective.

Unbeknownst to anyone, I made a decision that day to follow James 3:17-18 in every one of my relationships. I even remember calling a friend in my excitement, sharing with her my newfound life verses. And you know what? By living out those verses, I began to move mountains in my relationships.

But, before we continue, I need to confess something. It’s painful to admit, but you ought to know the truth. At first, I planned on using those verses as leverage. I had an agenda of emailing that passage to all my friends and family who I thought needed some “changing.” I was certain that everyone else needed some conviction. Know what I mean, sister?

However, those 8 principles of Godly wisdom only began to work when I fully surrendered my own stubborn and difficult ways.

You see, no one else had the same conviction. No one else got excited about being peaceable and willing to yield. No, those words were for me. And I knew deep down that God wanted me to surrender my own flaws to the truth of the Word—no matter how difficult it would be.

Only then was I transformed in attitude and action concerning my relationships. It had nothing to do with others. It had everything to do with me. And oh, what a world of difference it has made, living by true wisdom instead of my own feelings and perceptions.

Are you longing to have peace in your relationships? Are you tired of feeling trapped in hurtful friendships? Are you weary of trying your best to “get along,” only to fail miserably?

Me too, sister…me too.

Let me encourage you today. God is so much bigger than all of our relationship issues. He is bigger than our faults and the faults of others.

As we reflect on James 3:17-18 as our springboard for this series, please be prepared to be challenged—big time!

We will learn what it really means to turn the other cheek, to forgive “seventy times seven.” We will decipher what it means to bear with one another in brotherly love. We will study the Scriptures to find out when to take a stand or back down, all while exerting our faith in love and purity.

Relationships are hard. They bring out the best in us, and they bring out the worst. We need them, yet we don’t always want them.

I feel “where two or more are gathered” means trouble.

But ladies, if the Lord is calling us to live by His wisdom, which is pure, peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy, full of good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy, then by golly, we should do our best! The goal isn’t to live perfectly but obediently.

Perhaps you’ve tried everything but still feel like you just can’t win. The other person isn’t changing one bit. They are still as difficult as ever, making you miserable in the process. You wonder if you ought to give up.

Remember, the Lord is the rewarder of all who seek Him, who call upon His name (Hebrews 11:6). Our joy, our comfort, and our peace come only from Him. When we base our happiness on other people, we set ourselves up for a world of hurt. No one—no matter how wonderful—can give us the unconditional love we long for.

There is indescribable joy in our relationship with Jesus—a joy that surpasses all understanding! That is the relationship we must focus on as we try to muster up enough faith to move mountains in our earthly ones.

So, here’s the game-plan. Before we break it down into the 8 specific traits of Godly wisdom, I’d like for us to do some preliminary work. We’ll outline our relationships and begin to pray over each one. If we want a break-through, we must be diligent to cover our loved ones in prayer.

In the next lesson, we will examine the wisdom of “purity.” We will hold our thoughts, motivations, and intentions to the light of God’s Word and let Him refine our relationships, just as a silversmith refines silver.

Chapter 2

MY WHAT AN UGLY “DROSS” YOU ARE WEARING

Did you know that there is an actual website for ugly dresses? In fact, there are several sites that post photos of hideous gowns from weddings, proms, and other formal events. (I’m actually afraid to click on any of those links, for fear I will see a dress I used to own!)

Isn’t it so like us to judge with our eyes and form opinions based on what we see?

When difficulties arise in our relationships, it’s often because we are focusing on the “dross” of the other person—the ugly stuff that rises to the surface. Sadly, it usually takes precedence over their God-given qualities.

The word “dross” is technically defined as: an impurity that forms on the surface of molten metal.

As you may already know, in the refining of silver, certain elements have to be removed so that it can be purified and made beautiful. As the rubbish rises to the top, what is seen with the naked eye is not pleasant, but the Silversmith knows that what is displayed on the surface does not equal the beauty underneath.

“…the wisdom that is from above is first pure…” (James 3:17)

As we continue with this series, Relationship Wisdom That May Move Mountains, the first attribute we will study from James 3:17 is “wisdom that is pure.”

Now, when we think of the word purity, we mostly think of it within the context of dating or marriage. However, there is a level of integrity to be maintained within every relationship.

In today’s culture, I’m afraid we don’t always have the best discernment in this area. When I look back 20 years, I can see how my mind has adapted to certain things I would never have anticipated. The “desensitizing” that Christian circles have been talking about for decades, seems to have happened despite my determination that it wouldn’t.

But if God’s wisdom is pure, and He gives us His wisdom when we ask, then certainly we are not bound by our present culture. We have the choice to hold others in high regard and walk with integrity.

“He who walks with integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will become known.” (Proverbs 10:9)

Most of us know when to distance ourselves from toxic behaviors. There are unfortunate times when friendships must end due to unresolvable differences. Great discernment is necessary when guarding our hearts. (Prov. 3:23)

But what I’m talking about are the superficial things that rise to the surface. You know, the irritating personality quirks or characteristics we don’t necessarily like, but need to deal with in order to nurture the people God has allowed into our lives.

It can be a tough call. As we navigate within our marriages, extended families, neighbors, and friends, we need to know what it means to have “wisdom that is pure.”

To bring this attribute into clearer focus, I’ve narrowed it down to 3 ways we can test the measure of purity in our relationships:

1. Our Thoughts

Maintaining pure thoughts towards others is more difficult than we think. Before we know it, our minds wander in directions that are not honorable to God or respectful of others. And this doesn’t only relate to people of the opposite sex. Our thoughts can turn very judgmental toward both our brothers and sisters in Christ. If we are honest with ourselves, how often have we seen someone coming our way and tried to avoid them?

What we think about someone does matter. Whether we are envious, lustful, critical, or prideful, our thoughts are just as crucial as our actions.

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.” (Philippians 4:8 NKJV)

Since this verse is so familiar to us, we may have the tendency to gloss over it, as if we already know what it says. But if we examine it closely, we will find valuable truths to help us take every thought captive unto the obedience of Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:4-5)

When we find our thoughts about others wandering into dangerous territory and unfair judgment, we can ask ourselves these questions:

> Is what I am thinking true or a lie from the enemy?

> Are my thoughts noble? Would I feel justified saying them aloud?

> Am I being fair?

> Is there even a hint of impurity here?

> What is one lovely thing about that person?

> What is something good for which I can commend them?

> What virtue does that person have from which I can learn?

> Have I prayed for them and actually praised God for them?

I have the feeling that mountains may be moved when we stop to consider these things. Don’t you just love how God’s Word speaks?!

2. Our Intentions

Besides the Lord, who can really know the intentions of our hearts? We may think we have the best of motives, but how often do we favor certain people according to what we might gain from the relationship? We may be drawn to people of influence in order to have some inside advantage. We may view a successful friend as someone who can help us achieve more.

But what about nurturing our relationships with absolutely no expectations from the other person? What about having the sole intention of loving them unconditionally?

Tough stuff!

As a women’s ministry leader, author, and speaker, I have found that the more genuine connections I make, the more fulfilling the ministry. However, there is always that temptation to connect with people based on how it might benefit me. I constantly have to keep my intentions in check. And it isn’t easy.

One thing I have found to be very helpful is to ask God beforehand to bring those into my life that He would like for me to meet. I’ve gotten into the habit of asking that He lead me in love and sincerity. And you know what? Wonderful and lasting relationships have developed when I’ve let God ordain them.

“The preparations of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit.” (Proverbs 16:1-2 NKJV)

Sisters, let’s get real with the Lord and real with ourselves. If our intentions are impure, let’s confess them and determine to keep the other person’s best interest in mind. Here are some questions to consider when in doubt:

> If I gain absolutely nothing from this relationship, am I still willing to love this person with God’s love?

> Am I trying to please man or God?

> Have I put this person on a pedestal? What are the dangers of this?

3. Our Words and Actions

Actions matter. We all know this. Purity, in how we speak and act, is essential in moving those mountains. Think, for a moment, about those closest to you. Isn’t it easier to lash out at, or say something inappropriate to, those with whom we are most comfortable?

A lot of misunderstandings have occurred by the slip of the tongue or impulsive reactions. But let’s take a look at what the Bible says:

“But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.” (Ephesians 5:3-4 NKJV)

Ouch.

Even as I write this, I am convicted to the core. I love to laugh. I love to be goofy. Just ask my kids. I can be completely silly at times. But there is a difference between silliness and foolishness.

“Dead flies putrefy the perfumer’s ointment, and cause it to give off a foul odor; so does a little folly to one respected for wisdom and honor. A wise man’s heart is at his right hand, but a fool’s heart at his left. Even when a fool walks along the way, he lacks wisdom, and he shows everyone that he is a fool.” (Ecclesiastes 10:1-3 NKJV)

A little folly can go a long way. I would love to be able to say that I have maintained my integrity in all of my relationships. But the truth is, I’ve opened my big mouth more than once. I’ve joked at someone else’s expense. I’ve hurt others in my anger. My words and actions have not always been pure.

Just as dross rises to the surface, ugly and unwanted, inappropriate thoughts, intentions and actions need to be sloughed off to allow the God-created beauty to show. Interestingly, silver is

known as one of the best metals to conduct heat and electricity. It is also said to be one of the best at reflecting light.

True silver, polished and refined, reflects bright and beautiful light…

Do we reflect the light of Jesus in our relationships? Or have we let the “dross” cover up the beauty underneath?

Famous author J.K. Rowling wrote this:

“She had a way of seeing the beauty in others, even, and perhaps most especially, when that person couldn't see it in themselves.”

Nothing makes me smile more than discovering a beautiful quality in someone else. I love to encourage people, cheer them on, give a thumbs up, and inspire them to live out the calling of God in their lives. But, when I begin to let anything tainted enter my mind, like those minor irritations and personality differences, their God-given abilities are quickly overshadowed by what I deem unpleasant.

There may be actual websites that make fun of ugly dresses—even dresses we once wore—but as women of faith, let’s look beyond those things. Let’s try to stop determining a person’s worth based on the outward appearance. If we can develop a pure heart toward others, trying to see their best, being gracious and kind, and letting the small stuff go, mountains may be moved!

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence, and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.”(Psalm 51:10)

As we close this devotion, I’d like to leave you with some Bible Truths for Purity:

• A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good, and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45 NKJV)

• The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord, but the words of the pure are pleasant.(Proverbs 15:26 NKJV)

• Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart, having been born again, not of corruptible seed but incorruptible, through the word of God which lives and abides forever, because “All flesh is as grass and all the glory of man as the flower of the grass. The grass withers and its flower falls away, but the word of the Lord endures forever.” (1 Peter 1:22-25 NKJV)

Chapter 3

WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!

Ahh, can’t we all just get along?

Like flower children in a field, holding iced-cold colas and singing about honey-bees…CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!

Sorry to yell, but sometimes I get so frustrated just TRYING TO KEEP THE PEACE!

Can anyone relate?

If you’re a nice girl like me, it can be exhausting making sure everyone is happy and content. Holidays especially can zap every bit of “jolly” right out of us. And before we know it, we’ve given in to the frustration.

In this Bible Study series, Relationship Wisdom That May Move Mountains, we are ready to take a look at the second attribute of God’s wisdom from James 3:17: wisdom that is peaceable.

In John chapter 14, Jesus said to His disciples, “These things I have spoken to you while being present with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you. Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. (John 14:25-28 NKJV)

Jesus has given every believer His peace, but not the kind of peace the world gives.

But what is Biblical peace, really?

Take a look at 1 Thessalonians 5:12-24:

“We urge you, brethren, to recognize those who labor among you, and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake.

Be at peace among yourselves.

Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it.” (1 Thessalonians 5:12-24 NKJV)

I love the intricacy of this passage. In it, we are called to “esteem highly” those who are over us in the Lord. What a beautiful picture for us! In relation to our pastors, teachers, and mentors, we are to recognize their faithfulness and esteem them in love. By doing this, we are upholding Biblical peace.

Secondly, Paul encouraged the believers to be at peace among themselves. And Sisters, this means it begins with us. When the peace of Christ is settled in our own hearts, mountains can be moved in our relationships!

Paul goes on to say that we should warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, and be patient with all. The “warning” part doesn’t sound very peaceable to us nice girls. In fact, I don’t usually make it a practice to warn anyone but my kids. Yet, in the context of patience, kindness, and goodness, we can lovingly confront people who are out of line. Here are 3 important reasons for doing just that:

> We should love them enough to speak up (see Jude1: 22-23).

> An honest warning from a friend is better than retaliation from an enemy (see Proverbs 12: 17-18),

> Deep down, wouldn’t we want someone to warn us of our sinful behavior (see Luke 6:31)?

Continuing in 1 Thessalonians, we read:

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.”

When I think of a peaceable person—someone who is calm, cool, and collected—I envision them being very grateful, giving thanks to God for everything. I picture them as wise and learned, testing everything in the light of God’s Word. And I see them truly seeking the will of God.

This is the kind of girl I want to be. And the best part is, we have been given everything we need for life and godliness.

“Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue…” (2 Peter 1:2-3 NKJV)

His divine power—the power of His Spirit—lives in us. The peace that passes all understanding is ours for the taking. Our relationships can be peaceable as far as it depends on us! (Romans 12:18)

Sisters, you know as well as I do that we have no control over someone else’s behavior, and that’s where frustration comes in. But what if we gave up the desire to control others and simply lived according to the call of God? I imagine we would have a godly influence on those around us.

“Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it.” (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24)

To be sanctified by the God of peace means that we are set apart. We don’t participate in divisive quarrels or discussions. We don’t strive to be right all the time.

One of the definitions I found for “sanctification” was the term unburdened.

Wow.

What would it mean to live life unburdened?

Everything.

And ladies, what did Jesus carry to the cross? Every single burden of sin and shame.

If this isn’t a picture of perfect peace, then I don’t know what is. My heart is full as I write this. Our longing to have peace in our relationships is fulfilled in Jesus! Yes, we will have trouble. No, we won’t always get along. But we are kept in perfect peace when our minds are stayed on Him. (Isaiah 26:3)

As we close our study, here are a few practical things to remember when it comes to having peaceable relationships:

> In most cases, it is best to keep the peace.

The sooner we learn to let the little stuff go, the happier we will be. As we will see in a later study, being “willing to yield” is another attribute of heavenly wisdom.

Let’s be discerning when it comes to overlooking an offense. (Proverbs 19:11)

> In some cases, it would be foolish to try to remain peaceable.

If someone is threatening to harm us or those we love, we have no business being in a relationship with them. In this case, keeping the peace is out of the question. The most important thing is to ensure our safety and the safety of our loved ones. (Psalm 17:4-5)

> It is good practice to try to see the best in people.

Unfair criticism has no place in our relationships. All of us like to be given the benefit of the doubt. None of us like to be judged by the mistakes we’ve made. Let’s try to approach each relationship with a heart of grace. By being an example of peace to others, it’s possible we will encourage them to let down their walls and join us in “getting along.”

“Remind them to be subject to rulers and authorities, to obey, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing all humility to all men.” (Titus 3:1)

“Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” (Romans 12:9-18)

My prayer is that each of us will walk in the steadfast love of the Father, covered with wisdom and discernment. I pray that we will live lives unburdened, willing to be peaceable even when it’s not easy. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace today! (Romans 15:13 NKJV)

Chapter 4

SLAM THE DOOR…GENTLY

Toddlers aren’t considered the gentlest creatures on the planet. They are too fast, too busy, and well…too toddlerish!

When our second grandson was born, his big brother was two, and gentleness was far from the equation! Noah loved to point to the baby’s eyes, mouth, and ears, stating aloud what he was pointing to. But with his lack of coordination, he would end up poking James, making him cry. Every time, we would say, “Gentle, Noah, gentle.”

In this Bible Study series, Relationship Wisdom That May Move Mountains, we will study what it means to be gentle in all of our relationships.

Is this attribute all about having a quiet disposition and a soft touch?

I believe it goes much deeper than that. I view it as a tenderness toward the things of God, an open heart to receive what He has lavished on us.

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God.” (1 Corinthians 2:9-10)

This characteristic of heavenly wisdom is one of the deep things of God as He reveals it to us through His Spirit. We don’t have to strive so hard to be women who are warm toward others. We simply need to lend our heart to what the Lord shows us.

The best earthly example I can think of, concerning this beautiful attribute of God, is a mother holding her newborn baby for the first time. The labor is over. The nurses have gone. The lights are dimmed. And she has sweetness wrapped in a warm blanket held close to her heart.

Isn’t that gentleness to the core?

In every relationship, if we were to display that centered kind of gentleness, that heart-wide-open kind of vulnerability, I believe mountains would be moved! Every difficult person in our lives would be left without a single accusation or complaint against us. Every rebellious loved one would marvel at the undeserved tenderness shown to them. And we, ourselves, would be blessed beyond belief just by walking in the deep wisdom of God.

Philippians 4:5 states, “Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.”

Is your gentleness known to all, or do others brace themselves when you enter the room?

Perhaps, the rough exterior is a defense mechanism. Somewhere along the way, it may have become easier to react with harshness than to concede with gentleness. Or, if we are honest, maybe the callousness stems from an unloving attitude.

So, what can break down such defenses?

1. If you are the one who struggles with abrasiveness…

> Pray that God would show you something good in every person. Ask Him to soften your heart and sooth your mind before you even walk into the room. Remember, when we ask for wisdom, He gives it. (James 1:5-6)

> Look for that good thing. Once you’ve prayed for God to show you a praiseworthy quality in someone, make sure you are looking for it! When we have an expectant attitude for what God will do, wonderful things happen.

> Approach people with a heart to help. Instead of looking for what you can gain from a relationship, become the one who is willing to serve. The people you love will notice the change and those mountains may be moved!

2. If it is someone else who is difficult…

> Pray fervently. Chances are, you are going to be around this person from time to time. Pray before you see them and ask God for grace. He always works it out better than we ever could!

> Remember that some people probably weren’t shown much gentleness in their lives. What a chance to show them what unconditional love looks like! (James 2:13)

> You can’t control their behavior, but you can control yours. This may mean bearing with them, but it may also mean removing yourself from the room to avoid a bad situation.

> Don’t let people change who you are in Christ. No matter how tough it may be, don’t retaliate with poor behavior. Let everything be done for the Lord, not man. (Colossians 3:22-24)

I’ve come to learn that when our hearts are fully rendered to the things of God, gentleness takes root almost without us knowing. But when obstinance is allowed to remain, it can block the Lord’s holy tenderness like a fortified wall of resistance.

Sisters, I can only speak for myself, but I want to have a gentle heart toward the truths of God! Each and every time His Word is spoken, His praise is sung, or His Spirit prompts, I want to open my heart so wide it will feel like it’s breaking in two!

Saint Francis deSales from the sixteenth century said this:

“Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength.”

("Saint Francis de Sales." BrainyQuote.com. Xplore Inc, 2016. 8 April 2016. http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/s/saintfranc193305.html)

Let us not mistake this characteristic as a sign of weakness. It doesn’t mean we have to ignore problems or avoid conflicts. Instead, it enables us to approach them with grace and strength. Are we women of grace and strength? Or are we irritable and harsh with those we love?

With a deliberate decision, we can begin to break up the fallow ground of our hearts and allow the Word to tenderize the toughest parts. Who better than Jesus to teach us? As we exchange our burden of callousness for His yoke of easiness, we will be changed.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:29)

Sisters, this is in no way about becoming someone you’re not. Even the most outgoing, rambunctious personalities can have a gentle and quiet spirit that is precious in the sight of God!

“Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” (1 Peter 3:3-4)

The familiar 23rd Psalm has been recited over and over again. But how beautiful are these words of David that portray our Gentle Shepherd.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.” (Psalm 23 NKJV)

There are only six verses in this Psalm, yet they are six verses that give us the perfect picture of tenderness. Here’s what we can glean from them:

> A gentle person leads others away from turmoil to a quiet place. > A gentle person offers restorative help. > A gentle person points others toward the path of righteousness. > A gentle person offers physical comforts. > A gentle person is good and full of mercy.

As we close this lesson, I’d like to leave you with a challenge—a challenge to be very intentional about the tender ways of the Father. I’d like to encourage you to chip away at any wall you’ve knowingly or unknowingly built and to allow His gentle ways to be planted deep in your soul.

Be encouraged today. Let your gentleness be known to all.

Chapter 5

ROAD RAGE AND A YIELD SIGN

Road rage has become a prevalent issue in our culture; I can spot a “mean car” from a mile away. Mean cars are the ones that weave in and out of traffic, cut us off, and ride as close to our back bumpers as they can. The drivers, of course, are the ones who are being reckless. However, their cars seem to take on a “mean” look as they whip around us, scaring us half to death.

In this Bible Study series, Relationship Wisdom That May Move Mountains, we will look closely at what it means to be “willing to yield.”

“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.” (James 3:17NKJV)

I still remember the first time I read that passage in James. The words seemed to leap off the page! I’d been struggling to figure out how to navigate through some of my relationships, and I knew the Lord was giving me a very important truth. In fact, I called a friend that day, exclaiming I’d found the “key” to smooth relationships! She was sweet and encouraging as she listened patiently. But I could tell she wasn’t quite as convinced as I was.

Yes, it was probably an exaggeration to say that I’d found the “key” to relationship issues. But I knew without a doubt that having a willingness to yield was a huge step in the right direction.

What does “yield” mean to you? Does it bring a sense of peace or a sense of irritation? Let’s face it, giving up our own agenda can be painful. But, continuing to have tumultuous relationships because we are not willing to give an inch can be even more painful.

“Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord…” (Romans 12:9-11 NKJV)

Sounds easy, right? Just be nice, do what is good, and honor one another diligently.

But in reality, giving preference to someone else means we have to give up control. It means we may not get what we want. And, it might mean that we will have to face the negative consequences of someone else’s decisions. (Yikes!)

As I write this, I feel that stubborn streak in my heart, twisting and turning and wanting its way. After alI, my way is best, isn’t it? In essence, I could easily become like those “mean cars,” speeding forward with my self-imposed “right-of-way.”

Interestingly, in many other countries, the street sign for yield actually says “Give Way.” This paints a neat word picture for us in light of the Romans passage above. It supports the idea of giving preference to one another; honoring others above ourselves.

Let me ask you this: How often do you find yourself going against the grain in your marriage or other relationships? Are there days when you start out with an agenda, insisting on getting your way? We all do that on occasion, but when it becomes the norm, our relationships will suffer.

So, what is the solution?

Let’s look closely at Ephesians Chapter 4 for insight.

“I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with long-suffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all.” (Ephesians 4:1-5)

One of the most important concepts of Christianity is oneness in Christ. From the passage above, look at all the ways oneness is mentioned:

> one body > one Spirit > one hope > one Lord > one faith > one baptism > one God and Father

We live such separate and independent lives, don’t we? It’s easy to forget that oneness in the body of Christ is essential to carrying out the will of God (see 1 Corinthians 12).

What steps can we take to build that sense of oneness in our relationships?

1. Encourage others in faith. (Romans 1:11-12) 2. Listen more than we speak. (James 1:19) 3. Let the little things go. (Proverbs 19:11) 4. Esteem others above ourselves. (Philippians 2:3)

As we read further in Ephesians chapter 4, we see how oneness benefits the body of Christ.

“And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ; that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ—from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.” (Ephesians 4: 11-16)

Each of us has our part, our God-given strengths. It may feel like we are all going in various directions, but we were designed to work together—willing to yield when necessary. And by doing this, mountains can be moved!

Finally, the last part of Ephesians 4 says this:

“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

Just as we saw in lesson 4 of this series, the attribute of gentleness means our hearts remain tender. We approach others with kindness and forgiveness. These characteristics are actually a precursor to yielding.

The stumbling block for most of us is the need to be right. Painful to admit, but it’s true. And when the Bible says, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers,” I feel the conviction! (Ephesians 4:29)

We’ve covered a lot of Scripture. Now, let’s drive it home (no pun intended), and see how it applies to us.

1. Walking in unity is God’s will for us. (John 17:23)

It makes it easier to obey when we know it is the will of God. I don’t know about you, but I usually need to be convinced of something before I am willing to follow through with it. Unity is part of God’s perfect plan for us, and a willingness to yield encourages unity.

2. Living in our God-given strengths causes growth and edification in the body. (1 Corinthians 14:26)

Why do we try to live in someone else’s gifting? We long for things we do not have, while ignoring the part we have been created to live! Once we relinquish our will, we can flourish in the strengths in which God has equipped us. In essence, when we yield to other parts of the body of Christ, basically moving out of the way, we are edifying the church.

3. Speaking truth in love builds depth in our relationships. (Proverbs 25:11)

Sometimes, our words, although spoken in love, aren’t well received. They make people mad. They hurt feelings. But in the end, it’s always better to stand on truth. This may sound contrary to yielding, but really, it builds depth in our relationships. The concept of yielding doesn’t mean we never have a voice. It doesn’t mean we sit back and allow others to dominate. It simply means we are ready to move forward when necessary and stop if needed.

That day so many years ago, when I read James 3:17, I knew my eyes had been opened to a beautiful truth. The relationship struggles I had were cast into a new perspective. I realized I didn’t have to be right. I didn’t have to get my way. And I could let the small stuff go.

How will you “give way” to others in your life? I pray that God, by the power of His Spirit, will give you the willingness to yield appropriately in your relationships. After all, mountains may be moved!

Chapter 6

OH, MERCY…

“Just call me Grace!”

I laughed when I said those words, but my face was red with embarrassment as my broken sandal hung loosely around my twisted ankle. For years, I’d envisioned tripping on stage, but that day it became a reality. The sad part was, I’d tripped over nothing except my own two feet! Despite my turned ankle and skinned knee, I hobbled to the microphone and said lamely, “Just call me Grace!”

Grace and mercy are words we often hear in the church, and we interchange them seamlessly. But did you know there is a distinct difference between the two?

Grace is: God giving us something we don’t deserve (life, health, peace, etc.)

Mercy is: God not giving us what we deserve (hell, death, punishment, etc.)

In this series, Relationship Wisdom That May Move Mountains, mercy is listed as the 5th attribute of heavenly wisdom in James 3:17.

“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.”

What does it mean to be full of mercy? Do we reflect that in the way we live?

For starters, let’s look at the Old Testament book of Micah.

“With what shall I come before the Lord, And bow myself before the High God? Shall I come before Him with burnt offerings, With calves a year old? Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, Ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression, The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:6-8)

There’ve been many songs and sermons written about Micah 6:8—beautiful words that give us direction and guidance. However, when we look deeper at the phrase “love mercy,” there is a wealth of meaning.

In Hebrew, the word for mercy is checed. Unlike other Hebrew terms, this one carries a whole menagerie of meaning. Three basic attributes surround the word checed:

>Strength >Steadfastness >Love

Those three descriptions, in the Hebrew context, are linked to mercy. Without them, the true meaning is lost. Take a look at another passage in Micah as we bring this full circle.

“Who is a God like You, Pardoning iniquity And passing over the transgression of the remnant of His heritage? He does not retain His anger forever, Because He delights in mercy. He will again have compassion on us, And will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins Into the depths of the sea.” (Micah 7:18-19)

God’s strength, steadfastness, and love are all manifest through His great mercy. The One who pardons our iniquities and passes over our transgressions delights in mercy!

Sisters, these are poignant truths that we can take into our own relationships. In fact, mountains may be moved when we pardon others and pass over transgressions.

Does the thought of pardoning someone make you feel like you are being too permissible? That’s certainly not what I’m getting at. There are serious issues that must be addressed in relationships. However, there are many, many things that can and should be pardoned.

While studying for this lesson, I came across some great questions asked by Pastor Charles Swindoll.

“Allow me to probe under your skin with a few penetrating questions. Do you free people, or do you hold them hostage? Do you relieve them of guilt and shame, or do you increase their load? Do you encourage others or discourage them? Do you find yourself participating in the world of construction or the world of destruction? Do you point out people’s faults and failures or their strengths and accomplishments? In other words, do you minister grace to others?” (read the entire post here: http://www.insight.org/resources/article-library/individual/it's-time-to-embrace-grace-by-embracing-the-unlovely)

I love how Pastor Swindoll gets right to the heart of the matter. Do you relieve them of guilt and shame, or do you increase their load? It reminds me of the passage in Matthew 23:4 when Jesus spoke of the Pharisees.

“For they bind heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.”

Are there relationships that leave you feeling burdened, heavy, or somehow guilty? Or, are you the one who causes others to feel those things?

It’s so easy for us to point out the faults in others, to let them know just how bad they’ve messed up. Somehow, it makes us feel better about ourselves. However, when we are approachable, non-judgmental, and full of mercy, our relationships will go to a whole new level—a deeper, more satisfying one.

Our God delights in mercy. Delights…

What a wonderful and perfect pattern for us. Being full of mercy doesn’t include a martyr-like attitude or a permissible stance. It simply exudes an ease of grace and forgiveness.

Let’s look at this familiar parable for even more insight:

Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”

Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.

“But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ So his fellow servant fell down at his feet[a] and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’” (Matthew 18:21-23 NKJV)

Mercy and forgiveness are intertwined as a cord of compassion and forbearance. As people continue to disappoint us, let us down, and even hurt us, we can be clothed with mercy…seventy times seven.

I have to admit, for as long as I can remember, I have been one to see the best in people. I love to build others up. I chalk it up to the fact that I was bullied for most of my jr. high and high school years. I just hate to see someone who is excluded or the underdog.

Along with those experiences, I also believe the Lord has given me a very precious gift of encouragement. I am an “includer.” I want people to feel accepted. But I can empathize with those who aren’t naturally full of mercy. It can be difficult, especially when we are wronged.

I specifically remember a time when I was deeply hurt by someone. I consider myself pretty easy going and not easily upset. However, when you mess with my kids, or mess with my relationship with my kids, I find it difficult to show mercy.

After months of being miserable and watching the division grow, I made a difficult but necessary decision. I decided to pray every single day for the one who was hurting my family. I prayed for her blessing and covering. If I’m completely honest, I didn’t “feel” the words. I just said them in the name of Jesus. And you know what? Eventually, my heart entered the equation. I found that I was sincerely praying for God’s goodness in her life. Mountains were moved when I allowed the Holy Spirit to fill me with mercy! My relationship was restored and even strengthened, and there was forgiveness on both sides.

Mercy that defies our hurt and anger can only come from our gracious God. We don’t have it in us, do we?

“But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even

sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.” (Luke 6:32-36 NKJV)

Sisters, as we seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, let’s be women of great mercy and grace. Let’s rise above the temptation to focus on the small stuff and point out every fault. Let’s release criticism and judgment to the One who is the only just judge.

Be encouraged as you relate to others full of mercy and full of truth.

Chapter 7

PASS THE FRUIT

As I type today, I am feeling a deep conviction about this lesson. I know that becoming a Christian is based solely on the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross. I know that there is nothing I can do to earn my way to heaven. But I also know that being a Christian includes producing good fruit…an outward display of a devoted heart. And, if I’m honest, my fruit is looking awfully pathetic these days.

There’s a verse that says, “Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin.” (James 4:17)

My sweet neighbor could have used a meal recently, as she was busy moving her mother to a care facility. Another family, who lost most of their belongings in a fire, could have used my donation. A close friend, whose husband was away for an extended period of time, could have used a break from her two little ones. The mental list of “should-haves” grows, while I struggle to be faithful.

Why am I sharing this? Because, sisters, bearing good fruit matters!

In this series, Relationship Wisdom That May Move Mountains, we’ll be looking at the sixth attribute of heavenly wisdom mentioned in James 3:17…being full of good fruits.

“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.”

When I was a brand new Christian in the late 80s, I remember our youth group leader instilling in us that we do good works not to get saved but because we are saved. Did you learn that as well?

It’s not about trying to earn favor with God. It’s all about abiding in the True Vine so that His life- giving flow reaches every fiber of our being, producing a harvest of righteousness.

Isn’t that a pretty word-picture? Imagine your favorite fruit tree, full of beautiful blooms that eventually yield to an abundance of fruit.

The small pear tree in our backyard gets vibrant white flowers on it every spring. Then, by late August, the branches are usually weighed heavily with pears. Although I’m not a gardener by any sense of the word, I can’t stand to let the pears just fall off and rot. So, every summer, I pick them, wash and core them, and make pear butter or pear sauce for baking.

Sadly, over the last couple of years, that same pear tree hasn’t had much fruit. The pretty white flowers still bloom in April, but the branches remain pathetically bare.

Sisters, could it be that we display pretty things but bear no fruit? It’s sad to say, but I have often fallen into a dormant stage and my relationships have suffered because of it.

If you’re familiar with the well-known book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, you know that one of the love languages is “acts of service.” I know several people in my life who are deeply touched when acts of service are done for them. Serving our family, friends, neighbors, and even strangers stems from the good fruit we bear.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness gentleness and self-control are the Holy Spirit characteristics that should be exuding from us. Yet, sometimes we struggle. Why?

Take a look at some of the biggest obstacles:

1. Self-centeredness 2. Busyness 3. Weariness 4. Un-forgiveness

My admission of complacency, at the beginning of this devotion, is a sign of my own self-centeredness. To help others I have to let go of my agenda and set aside the things I’d rather do. It seems easy, right? Yet, my flesh gets in the way.

What keeps you from being full of good fruit? Are you just too busy? Weary? Does it seem impossible to bear good fruit when you are just trying to keep your head above water?

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV)

Dear one, being full of good fruit isn’t about adding one more thing to our busy lives. Rather, it is the overflow of Christ in our lives!

“You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.” (John 15:3-4NKJV)

Remain. Abide. Stay.

Fruitful relationships are wonderful. They support one another. Build up one another. And they are there for each other.

Unfruitful relationships tear down. Neglect. Drain.

Truthfully, there are times when relationships need to end. This is NOT a green light for leaving a marriage or abandoning those in need. But once in a while, it is healthier to end a relationship that is life-draining than to strive to keep it going. What are the determining factors for “cutting off” relationships that are not beneficial or honorable?

1. Unbridled emotional or physical abuse toward you or your children 2. Toxic influence that leads you consistently into sin 3. Divisiveness—especially when it comes to your relationship with God

Please know that I am not a licensed professional. I highly advise speaking to a trusted, Christian mentor who can help you with discernment in this area. But, here a few questions to ask yourself when evaluating difficult relationships:

1. Is God working through you to reach that person? 2. Is God working through that person to reach you? 3. What would be the benefit of ending that relationship? 4. What would be the hindrance of ending that relationship? 5. Can you end it with complete forgiveness and love, or would it be out of spite and resentment?

As you pray over each one of those factors, believe that the Lord will either guide you to gracefully part ways or lead you to continue in that relationship for His purpose.

Something important to keep in mind is that we cannot control the fruit of another person. We cannot make them stay connected to the Vine. We cannot water them enough or prune them enough to produce the fruit we want them to produce.

As in the example of my pear tree, sometimes there are seasons of abundance and other times there are seasons of scarcity.

We can, however, ask God to do the pruning as needed. We can ask Him to feed us with His Word and water us with His Spirit. For only by His grace are we able to stand.

As we know, real growth happens when plants are fed and watered properly. The droopy leaves become crisp with life. The budding blooms open wide and strong. Such is the person abounding in the fruit of the Spirit.

Have you ever met someone like that?

My grandmother is filled with the abundance of the Lord. She has many aches and pains that sometimes leave her almost debilitated, but every time I talk with her, she says the same thing:

“This is the day the Lord has made. I will be glad and rejoice in it. Just live, love, laugh and be happy!”

This eighty-something lady has learned what it means to abide in the True Vine and be full of good fruit. She not only speaks it but lives it!

Sisters, how can we allow the Holy Spirit in us to overflow into the lives of others? Let’s look at it step by step…or fruit by fruit.

1. Love

Ask: Do I love that person with the unconditional love of the Lord? Why do I find it difficult to love them?

Respond: Admit that you are struggling to love them. Ask for God’s great love to be shown to them through you.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NKJV)

2. Joy

Ask: Does this relationship bring me joy? Why or why not?

Respond: Find three things for which you can rejoice. Remember, our true joy resides in God alone. We can’t try to find true joy in a person. And, it’s ok to limit our time with people who bring us down.

The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:7 NKJV)

3. Peace

Ask: Do I have peace about this relationship? Is the enemy trying to drive a wedge between us?

Respond: Recognize when the adversary is working hard to divide you. Cover the relationship in the name of Jesus and ask God to bring unity. If there is something to be said, find the right opportunity to confront that person gently.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. (Matthew 5:9 NKJV)

4. Patience

Ask: Is my patience wearing thin in this relationship? Why do I feel so irritated?

Respond: Perhaps, some things need to be discussed. If something is persistently bothering you, communicate that clearly. Be honest.

Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. (Proverbs 14:29 NIV)

5. Kindness

Ask: Why is it difficult to be kind? Am I being judgmental or mean-spirited?

Respond: Ask for forgiveness for any ill-will toward another person. Choose one way to bless them this week. Even when you don’t feel like it, try showing kindness.

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32 NKJV)

6. Gentleness

Ask: Have I become abrasive toward that person? Am I building walls?

Respond: Ask God for a heart of tenderness. Allow the walls to come down, even at the risk of getting hurt.

Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. (Philippians 4:5 NKJV)

7. Faithfulness

Ask: Have I lost faith that this relationship will work? How is my faith in God?

Respond: Turn all your trust toward God. Ask Him for discernment. Remember to build your faith by reading the Word and spending daily time in prayer. Be the kind of faithful friend that you desire from others.

Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments. (Deuteronomy 7:9 NKJV)

8. Goodness

Ask: Have I lost the desire to do good? Do I really care about that person?

Respond: Ask the Lord for a willing heart…a heart to run to the aid of your loved ones. Ask Him for compassion and for the motivation to follow through.

You are good, and do good; Teach me Your statutes. (Psalm 119:68 NKJV)

9. Self-control

Ask: Am I out of control in this relationship? Does this person bring out the worst in me?

Respond: Step away from the relationship for period of time to pray. Find a way to remove yourself long enough to regain the peace that only the Spirit can give. Use great caution in relationships that tempt you into sin.

But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. (2 Peter 1:5-8)

As I type this, it is the end of May and the blooms on the pear tree have faded. I don’t yet know if there will be fruit by the end of summer. But until then, I will continue to water that tree, trim the dead branches and look for ways to help it flourish.

How can I encourage you? Sisters, we are in this together. As branches connected to the same Vine, we can and should support one another. Be full of good fruit, relying only on the Holy Spirit to do His perfect work through you!

Let’s pray…

Gracious God, thank You for Who You are. Thank You for giving us everything we need for life and godliness. Lord, by Your Spirit we long to be women full of good fruit. By Your Spirit, we want to abide in the True Vine…Jesus Christ. We love You and trust You to produce the abundance You long for in us and in our relationships. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Chapter 8

THE PROBLEM WITH PARTIALITY

She stood outside a local restaurant, seemingly homeless and visibly pregnant. She didn’t hold a sign asking for loose change or stop people as they went by. But I sensed she needed help, so I offered to buy her a meal and she gladly took me up on it.

Fifteen minutes later, we were in my car on the way to meet her “friend.” Not only had she ordered food for herself, but for him as well. She’d even ordered specialty bottled juices that were close to $4.00 apiece. However, I dismissed my apprehension and made feeble attempts at conversation as I drove.

Her “friend’s” place ended up being a bar across town. I couldn’t believe I’d been foolish enough to drive her to a bar! I felt used and bewildered. All the way home, I berated myself for being so gullible, angry thoughts racing through my head.

How could I have allowed her to take advantage of me? Why didn’t I speak up? Did I really just pay $4.00 for bottled juice?!

That day, I had determined that all homeless people were simply caught up in addiction and not worthy of my help. However, God had a different plan.

In this Bible study series, Relationship Wisdom That May Move Mountains, we will be studying the eighth attribute of wisdom in James 3:17…living without partiality.

“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.”

Biblically speaking, partiality involves making unjust comparisons of people due to their status quo.

“My brethren, do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality. For if there should come into your assembly a man with gold rings, in fine apparel, and there should also come in a poor man in filthy clothes, and you pay attention to the one wearing the fine clothes and say to him, ‘You sit here in a good place,’ and say to the poor man, ‘You stand there,’ or, ‘Sit here at my footstool,’ have you not shown partiality among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts?” (James 2:1-4 NKJV)

Partiality happens within every relationship circle. Whether we like it or not, we automatically place others in categories. In fact, I am partial to my husband and children in the sense that I love and nurture them on a regular basis, sometimes giving preference to them over others. I am partial to my home church by choosing to fellowship there week after week. I am even partial to a favorite restaurant because of their good food and service.

This lesson isn’t about restaurants or home churches. It’s about seeing people as God created them to be—loved and cherished. And sisters, sometimes it ain’t easy!

You see, we have a tendency to predetermine things, make unjust judgments, and decide in which hierarchy people belong. In turn, these partialities can prevent us from walking in faith. Stereotypes, categories, and “degrees of worthiness” become stumbling blocks to living out the fruit of the Spirit.

You may be asking the questions: Where does discernment come in? Isn’t discernment also Biblical?

Absolutely.

“And we urge you, brethren, to recognize those who labor among you, and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake. Be at peace among yourselves. Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies. Test all things; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.”(1 Thess. 5:12-22 NKJV)

Doesn’t that passage say it all? What beautiful words for us! Let’s break it down into bite-sized pieces:

> It is good to esteem (in love) those who are faithfully serving God. > We are to be peaceable people. > We should warn those caught in sin. > It is good to comfort, uphold, and be patient with those who are weak. > We do not have the right to “get back” at someone. > We are to actively pursue what is good for ourselves and others. > When we rejoice, pray, and give thanks in everything, we fulfill the will of God. > We are to remain open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. > We should test everything in the light of Scripture and hold fast to what is good.

Wow!

If ever we have a question concerning how to treat those in our circle of influence, that passage is the one to reference! In it, we find a treasure of wisdom in how to relate to others.

Remember the verse, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” (Luke 6:31) I remember my boys memorizing those words in kindergarten. It was listed as one of life’s most important quotes. Perhaps, we need to get back to the “kindergarten” of faith, with intentions that are child-like, as described in Matthew chapter 18.

“At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, ‘Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’ Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me.’”

And later in that same chapter we read…

“Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven. For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost. “What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying? And if he should find it, assuredly, I say to you, he rejoices more over that sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray. Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.”

Sisters, please tell me if I’m wrong, but how often do we think that the Lord must favor us more than the “messed up” person down the road? We probably don’t verbalize it, but we think it. God loves and cherishes each and every person that He formed with His own hands. Remember, He is willing that none should perish (2 Peter 3:9). When Jesus saved us from our former ways, taking each and

every sin with Him to the cross, He did not show partiality. He did not categorize people. He died for all (2 Cor. 5:15)!

As we close this lesson, I’d like to leave you with a few real-life applications. Because let’s face it…we are human. We judge with our eyes and point with our fingers. It is our tendency to show favoritism. Here are 3 ways to overcome partiality.

1. Go back to the basics.

“God created mankind in His own image.” (Genesis 1:26-28)

It’s easy to forget that the Creator has a divine plan for each and every person. It’s not our job to dismiss someone as unworthy. It’s our job to walk by faith, discerning the times, and love others as ourselves.

2. Remember who you once were.

“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light…” (Ephesians 5:8)

How humbling it is to remember the foolishness of our ways. While we were still sinners Christ died for us. When tempted to dismiss someone as lost or hopeless, let’s humble ourselves and remember the condition from which Christ saved us.

3. Thank God.

Whenever we find ourselves exhibiting partiality, or even thinking divisively, how about we stop and thank God for that person? When we ask Him to help us see them as He sees them, and love them as He loves them, judgments fall away.

Had I known that dear woman wanted me to drive her to a bar, I probably would have declined. I may have offered her a ride to the shelter instead. But the truth is, I helped her in faith. There were many things out of my control that day, but the decision to love without partiality was mine alone. My experience with that precious lady taught me a lot about my own partial heart. I was willing to help but quick to judge.

A couple of years after that incident, I found myself faced with another opportunity. It was the night before Thanksgiving and I was leaving Walmart with a carload of groceries. Already dark outside, I just wanted to get home. At the stoplight, I looked over to see a lady who was standing near the gas station, wringing her hands and looking distraught. I kept driving.

About half-a-mile down the road, I was overcome with a nudge from the Holy Spirit. Oh, how I argued with Him, insisting I had learned my lesson about helping strangers. But, His prompting became so intense, I turned the car around and went back.

Turns out the woman needed a tank of gas to get to her mother’s house for Thanksgiving. After filling her truck, she hugged me and cried. She explained how important it was to get home and how I had been the “miracle” she’d been praying for.

Sisters, I don’t believe I was any kind of miracle that night. But I believe in the God of miracles to turn hearts toward Him. You see, when we allow the Holy Spirit to overcome our partiality, beautiful things happen for His glory.

In our relationships, let’s make the decision to set aside our preconceived notions and let the Spirit lead us. Let’s be discerning by holding everything to the light of God’s Word. Let’s be women of great faith—unafraid to risk loving others.

Will we sometimes get “burned”? Probably. Will we feel used and unappreciated? Most likely.

But at the end of the day, how wonderful it will be to say we simply followed God. We loved without judgment. We served without expectation. And we walked in wisdom without partiality.

I want to thank you for taking part in this series. I know that relationships are difficult. However, the Lord has given us everything we need for life and godliness through His Word and the counsel of His Spirit. (2 Peter 1:2-4)

God bless you as you begin to see others impartially. I pray the Lord will do a mighty work in your life and in every one of your relationships.

Chapter 9

HYPOCRITE…THAT’S ME!

When scandalous things happen in the world, people read about it, react to it, and then go about their day, waiting for the next big news. When scandal happens in the church, however, Christianity gets labeled as a religion full of hypocrites.

What is hypocrisy anyway?

In this series, Relationship Wisdom That My Move Mountains, we will look at the final attribute mentioned in James 3:17.

“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.”

If we are to live without hypocrisy, does this mean we can never mess up for risk of pushing others away from God? Surely, we can’t live perfectly. Eventually, won’t we make a mistake that might be a poor example to others?

In the Greek, hypocrisy is defined as: “acting” or “pretending.” It can also refer to “living behind a mask.”

This tells us that it’s not all about living perfectly but living authentically.

Sisters, when we truly love the Lord and seek to obey His Word but make mistakes along the way, that is simply “life.” But if we claim to love the Lord and obey His Word yet knowingly live what is contrary, that is a sign of hypocrisy.

Jesus had a lot to say about this very serious issue.

“But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut up the kingdom of heaven against men; for you neither go in yourselves, nor do you allow those who are entering to go in. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you devour widows’ houses, and for a pretense make long prayers. Therefore you will receive greater condemnation. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel land and sea to win one proselyte, and when he is won, you make him twice as much a son of hell as yourselves.” (Matt. 23:13-15 NKJV)

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you pay tithe of mint and anise and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faith. These you ought to have done, without leaving the others undone. Blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel! “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee, first cleanse the inside of the cup and dish, that the outside of them may be clean also. “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! Because you build the tombs of the prophets and adorn the monuments of the righteous, and say, ‘If we had lived in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partakers with them in the blood of the prophets.’” (Matt. 23:23-30 NKJV)

Oh. Dear.

As we begin to unpack these warnings from Jesus, let’s start with prayer.

Almighty God, You are holy. Lord, we come to You, asking for wisdom that only You can give. Please forgive us, Lord, of any hypocrisy in our lives. Show us how to walk uprightly and obey your commands. Thank you for Your insight today, in Jesus’ Name. Amen.

Jesus was unapologetically straightforward with the Pharisees of His day, because He knew how destructive hypocrisy could be. Eight times in Matthew 23, Jesus uses the words, “Woe to you.”

Eight times!

I’ve listed some of them here (paraphrased):

> Woe to you for blocking the way to heaven! > Woe to you for devouring widow’s houses by pretending to care! > Woe to you for leading others on a path of destruction! > Woe to you for swearing by the gold of the temple! > Woe to you for neglecting mercy and faith! > Woe to you for being full of extortion and self-indulgence!

These things seem so intense, don’t they? I mean, we don’t do things like that, do we? How do these “woes” apply to us? What does hypocrisy look like in our lives today?

At the risk of letting you see the “not so nice” side of me, I’ll share a particular experience that exposed hypocrisy in my own heart.

A few years ago, as a friend and I were on a 3-mile walk/run together, I blurted something out that I would later regret. I told her that I could never imagine letting myself become as unhealthy and unfit as other people I knew. I remember telling her that I couldn’t understand why they would eat those terrible foods and why they would let their bodies become so out of shape.

The moment I spoke those words, I knew they would come back to haunt me. And they did. The Lord put a check in my spirit that day and I ignored Him. I let pride and self-righteousness get the best of me.

Within a year or so, I found myself sliding down a slippery slope of sin and self-indulgence—the very same things I had previously condemned. I became overweight and unmotivated. As I continued to watch my weight climb and my vitality deteriorate, I couldn’t help but remember what I’d said. I had been pridefully promoting health and wellness, looking down on others for not doing the same, yet struggling with the very thing I was preaching against.

That, my friends, is an honest example of hypocrisy.

Sisters, the enemy is crafty. He is looking for opportunities to sweep in and tempt us with the very things we claim to oppose.

In our relationships, Christian and non-Christian alike, we cannot get very far with pride and judgment. As we talked about in the last lesson, we can and should have discernment—calling sin for what it is—but there is no room for hiding behind a mask or pretending to be something we’re not. (Believe me, I learned this the hard way.)

Dear ones, our righteousness comes from Christ alone. He took our wretchedness and made us whole! When we live in that freedom, it doesn’t matter what the world thinks or says; we KNOW that we are saved only by grace through faith.

Perhaps, you know someone who is living a life of hypocrisy. Or, maybe you are struggling to live an authentic life unto the Lord. Here are some practical and Biblical steps you can take:

> Get real about your own issues.

“For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.” (Romans 12:3 NKJV)

“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.” (1 John 1:8-10 NKJV)

Ladies, we’ve got to get real about our own issues. Just like the parable about taking the plank out of our own eye before we can remove the speck from someone else’s, we have to face our own weaknesses head-on.

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5 NKJV)

> Have a repentant heart.

He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy. Happy is the man who is always reverent, but he who hardens his heart will fall into calamity. (Proverbs 28:13-14 NKJV)

This goes hand in hand with the last point, but it’s so important to follow through with repentance. Not only is it good to confess our own shortcomings, it is crucial to repent and turn from them.

> Be compassionate.

Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long-suffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. (Colossians 3:12-14 NKJV)

Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality. (Romans 12:9-13 NKJV)

There are people in my life who I care about deeply, but they want nothing to do with Christianity. I try my best to be compassionate and loving, while not wavering in my faith. I pray fervently that they would come to know the Living God as their personal Savior. However, I can only say so much to them. It’s the way I live my life that is going to show them whether my faith is real or not. At the end of the day, it’s most important that they see how I love God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength, and how I love them as well.

This relationship journey has been long and difficult. I suppose it will continue to challenge us. After all, where two or more are gathered, there is…trouble. But be encouraged today! There is a way to navigate through every single relationship, and that way is right before us in the truths of the Bible.