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Oh, and Happy Anniversary

Iwill never forget our first wedding anniversary. My hus-band made reservations for the three of us (by that

time, we had a three-month-old daughter) at a gorgeoushotel in Vermont. In the evenings, while the baby slept,we relaxed in the Jacuzzi, toasted one another, and sippedchampagne.

I’ll never forget our tenth wedding anniversary, either.I was changing the baby’s diaper (our sixth) when Danbreezed into the room. He hastily checked the calendar,told me he was late for an appointment at the eye doctor,and grabbed his car keys.

“Oh, and happy anniversary,” he said, as he dashed outthe door. I sat in silence for a moment, holding the babyand straining my brain to remember what the date was.

“Right. Happy anniversary,” I said to no one in partic-ular, as Dan’s car backed out of the driveway.

After a few kids or a few years, even the most loving ofmarriages go through a period of romantic transition. Goneare the long leisurely walks in the moonlight, each of yougazing into the other’s eyes, sharing your innermostthoughts and loving feelings. Somewhere along the way,

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the two of you tossed your rose-colored, heart-shaped glass-es in favor of a horn-rimmed pair of more practical specta-cles. Out with the surprise love notes, small romantic gifts,loving looks, and compliments…in with the colickybabies, mortgage payments, stomach flu, and car pools!

But you probably know that much already. You justwant to know if you should accept the fact that romanceis dead and get back to cleaning the bathroom. Well, I amhere to tell you that all hope is not lost. You just mightneed to change your expectations a bit. The unfortunatefact is that what once came quite naturally now requiresa bit of effort. But it is a worthwhile effort.

Let’s begin by admitting that wives are not the onlyones to mourn their dating days and the early days ofmarriage. I think that perhaps husbands just tend to missdifferent things about our more romantic times. In myexperience, my husband tends to crave physical atten-tion. Generally speaking, he feels most loved when I pre-pare him food the way he likes it, keep an orderly home,provide him with clean clothing, and provide him withphysical affection.

I, on the other hand, tend to crave emotional atten-tion. I feel most loved when Dan takes the time to askabout my feelings, to compliment my appearance, and toappreciate my contributions. I am not a complicatedcreature. I can last all day on a single “You look prettytoday” and extra kiss from my husband in the morning.

Ultimately, I think neither of us has complicatedneeds for love and attention. The problem, however, is

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Oh, and Happy Anniversary

that meeting one another’s needs does require some con-scious effort. As family life gets more demanding, thatextra effort is all too easily droppedfrom our schedules.

For example, when my life isbusy, I can rather easily slide intothe habit of focusing on my chil-dren’s needs in the morning and“forgetting” that Dan likes a hotbreakfast before work. And after along day of caring for the children, any woman can feelquite justified in claiming she is too tired to respond toher husband’s sexual advances.

Likewise, can I reasonably expect Dan to notice thatI mopped the dining room floor or to fall over in admira-tion of my new hairstyle when he’s got a major projectgoing on at work? And I’m sure it’s quite easy for him toforget to tell me what a fabulous mother I am and that heloves me more than life itself when he’s busy trying to fig-ure out how we’re going to make the car payment beforethe end of the month.

A marriage really runs into trouble, however, whenneither spouse’s particular needs for love and attentionare being met. As a consequence, both spouses feel cheat-ed. Neither is inclined to put forth the effort to please theother, and the sorry stage is set for a downward-spiralingcycle of bitterness and resentment.

The solution here is to make that effort to meet yourspouse’s wants and needs first, even if it feels forced and

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Meeting one another’s needs

does require someconscious effort.

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even if it feels unfair. After all, it is in meeting your hus-band’s needs that you will inspire him to meet yours. Butyour husband’s particular needs for love and attentionmight be quite different from my husband’s. To find outwhat he really wants, you will need to ask him. But thisshould be an easy project. What person wouldn’t love tobe asked, “What kinds of things can I do to make you feelloved?” The bonus for you is that once he has shared hisneeds with you, he’ll be more inclined to ask what kindsof things he can do that will make you happy.

It’s worth mentioning, too, that during a discussion ofwants and needs with your spouse is no time to be shy orvague. If you think you might be more responsive to yourhusband’s romantic overtures if he complimented yourappearance or appreciated your work more frequently, dothe guy a favor and tell him so! In my marriage, we’veboth reaped great benefits from sharing our specificwants, needs, and expectations with each other on a reg-ular basis.

It has been my experience that sometimes, after talk-ing and sharing our needs, especially if we’ve been feelingdistant, things can feel a bit forced or even silly as we goabout trying to please one another. Having a sense ofhumor loosens us both up a bit, though. Once, I told Danthat I really would like him to pay attention to littlethings and to compliment me more often. For a longwhile after that discussion, whenever he made a positivecomment, after I smiled and thanked him, he would say

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Oh, and Happy Anniversary

“Ka-ching!”—like he was putting money in the bank.Very cute. And accurate.

All kidding aside, though, our regular efforts at bettercommunication and paying attention to one another’sneeds have been rewarded with a genuine closeness andloving intimacy between the two of us. That’s what I callromance!

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Date Night

Between children, work schedules, and household obli-gations of all kinds, it can be very difficult for couples

to find quiet time alone together on a regular basis. Thetrick, I have discovered, is to recognize spending timetogether as a priority, then to schedule it on a regular basis.

One of the most successful things I ever did early inour marriage was to establish a weekly “date night” withmy husband. The secret to its success has been to keep itlow-key, casual—and mandatory. We seldom use babysit-ters, but for the most part I’ve found that we don’t needthem. We have to be careful about the money we spend,but I’ve found that sharing special time together doesn’thave to be expensive, either.

Here’s how it works for us: We pick a night of the weekand block it off. On that night, after the kids go to bed,we have dinner together. We keep the food simple (weeven opt for takeout on occasion) and we usually watch atelevision show or a movie. That’s it. It’s not fancy. It’s nottoo demanding. But it is mandatory. Though I frequentlywork in the evenings, I never work on our designated datenight. Dan, too, respects this time by scheduling otheractivities around it.

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Date Night

Through the years, we’ve kept our date nights withnewborns by our side, in the throes of family illness, andeven once as I was beginning labor before delivering babyGabrielle. There have also been times when we’ve beenholding grudges or arguing all day and yet, since it’s “datenight,” we still keep our “date.” The forced time alonetogether breaks the ice, obliges us to talk with each other,maybe laugh a little, and finally, reconnect.

Evening dates might not work for everyone. I know ofsome couples that schedule breakfast together once aweek or take walks together on certain afternoons.Whatever the details of your time together, though, Ithink it’s important to make it a regular occurrence andto make it a priority. Your dates might not always be filledwith passion and wild romance, and that’s not really thepoint. You will both benefit from the opportunity toreconnect with one another away from outside pressuresand obligations. And what’s more, your commitmentspeaks volumes to the value you place on your relation-ship.

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Dear Lord, thank you for the husband you havegiven to me. In the gift of our marriage, I see the geniusof your divine plan for men, women, and the family.Because we are so different, we can work together sobeautifully and in such complementary ways. But when

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our differences become a source of conflict, fill ourhearts again with the graces we received on our weddingday. Turn our thoughts toward you. Help us to love oneanother as you love us. Help us to forgive as you for-give. Help us to meet one another’s needs with cheerfulgenerosity. And remind us that it is through each otherthat you call each of us to greater holiness. Amen.

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