module 6 grief and personal growth part b 30.4.13

Module 6

Grief and Personal Growth Part B

(Strategies to help those who are grieving)

CHCCS426B Provide support

and care relating to loss and grief

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How can we help ourselves feel better?

1. Be real about how you feel. Express it.

• Even if you have no one you can tell, write down your thoughts, even your worst ones or speak these out loud on a beach. Tell God if you believe in him.

• Better than this, find a trusted friend or confidant that you can be real with.

• If you don’t have anyone you can be honest with, seek out a counsellor.

© Copyright CTA CHCCS426B, MODULE 6 Version Date: 30.4.13

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Steps forward…

2. Don’t feel that you have to ‘cut off’ the past.

• When people do this, it tends to make the healing process a lot longer.

• You are who you are because of the past, the precious people in your life and all of your experiences both good and bad. To ‘cut it off’ is to cut off part of yourself. It will make you feel empty.

• Instead… face the pain of talking about the person or situation you have lost. This pain will lessen as a result.


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Steps forward…

3. Keep a balance in your thought life.

• While in the early stages following a loss, we will be consumed with past events – we will want to stay close in our thoughts to the person or situation we have lost… this is only natural.

• Over time, try to concentrate on the moment you are in and plan a little for the future.


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Steps forward…

4. Watch guilt or blame… get rid of it (it’s like a cancer that grows and consumes)

• When life lets you down, it’s easy to blame people, God or yourself. This is a natural stage and provides ‘some’ relief for a time.

• But be careful of vows… ‘I will never forgive them’, ‘I will never forgive myself’… even ‘no one understands’ is a form of blaming others… and ‘If there is a God, He’s either making a lot of mistakes or is obviously disinterested!’


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Steps forward…

5. Be sensible with self care

• Make sure you eat well, get

lots of sunlight, walk a lot,

keep routine sleep patterns,

reduce workload and laugh as

much as you can.

• The ‘looking after yourself’

body, soul and spirit is really

important.


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Steps forward…

6. Drug Use

• When you experience a loss, it is better to find natural ways to cope rather than use medication.

• Sometimes in extreme circumstances doctors do prescribe drugs for the depression or sleeplessness than can occur in grief.


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Steps forward…

• It is really important to stay

clear of alcohol or other non

prescribed drugs if you are

in grief. Individuals in grief

are the most at risk with

going too far with these

things because they are

trying to numb emotional

pain. This is of course far

more dangerous than

carefully prescribed

medication when

legitimately in need.


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Steps forward…

7. Find friendships and support

• The friends you make in grief are incredibly special. They may be completely different from your normal friends.

• Get out and get involved with new aspects of life. Even if you don’t feel like it, take baby steps forward.


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A step UP…

1. Grief can become a time

of spiritual awakening

• Many people find their

limitations through a

significant loss. They can no

longer do what they once

did, or protect themselves in

the same way. They will

often say they have found a

‘higher power’ when all their

strength fails.


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A step UP…

2. People can find new

purpose for their lives

• Many people experience a

newfound love for helping

others, and a sense of

peace about material

things.

• Things don’t matter like they

used to.

• We realise the real value of

life.


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A step UP…

3. Becoming more grounded… helps you fly

• It is true: smelling the roses, knowing what counts in life,

helps you prioritise and achieve greatness in this life.


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A step UP…

• 4. Suffering is everywhere… none of us has a monopoly

• Unfortunately this planet is less than perfect.

• However, the suffering we experience can make us greater people, with greater empathy, greater resourcefulness, and a passion to extinguish pain wherever we see it.


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Lessons of life from children - 1

• Author and lecturer Leo

Buscaglia once talked about

a contest he was asked to

judge. The purpose of the

contest was to find the most

caring child.

• The winner was a four year

old boy whose next door

neighbour was an elderly

gentleman who had recently

lost his wife.


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Another example

• Upon seeing the man cry,

the little boy went into the

old gentleman's yard,

climbed onto his lap, and

just sat there.

• When his mother asked him

what he had said to the

neighbour, the little boy

said, “Nothing. I just helped

him cry.”


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Lessons of life from children 2

• Whenever I’m disappointed with my lot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

• Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he had set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.


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Another example

• On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school.

• Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. “Guess what, mom!” he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me…

• “I’ve been chosen to clap and cheer!”


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Exercises for times of grief

1. Map of life

• Goal setting is an important part of beating depression.

– Draw a map of your life – include each separate domain.

– Add one new goal for each area for the new year. For example,

exercise, relationships, nutrition, recreation, work etc. Put yourself in

the middle.


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2. Write to the one you have lost

• Connectedness is central to emotional wellbeing.

– Write a letter or journal to the one you have lost or the part of yourself that you have lost. Say goodbye, express your regrets and sadness and also your gratefulness.

– End on a positive note about your goal for the future as a result of your loss.


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3. Stretching and rocking

• Stress and trauma which is

part and parcel of grief builds

up tension in the body.

• The body keeps bracing itself

for disaster.

– Do lots of stretching and

rocking exercises as well

as cross lateral patterning

to release tension.


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4. Laughing

• Laughing has been shown in research to release serotonin, or the happy hormone, into the brain.

• It improves the immune function, flushes the face, and provides a sense of well-being.

• We can fool our brain into thinking we are happy with fake laughing. – Make laughing noises i.e ha ha,

hee hee, ho ho and make them loud, move up and down and smile widely while doing this… do it for 2 minutes 3 times a day, whether you feel like it or not!


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5. Examine all your senses

again.

• Get in touch with “the

moment”.

– Have an excursion to particularly exercise your sense of smell…

– The same for hearing…

– Sight…

– Touch, and

– Taste

– Get adventurous!


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6. Try to enjoy people and their

differences

• There are many different types

of people in the world.

• Take a new perspective, notice

people, their expressions, their

features, their voices.

– In your appreciation of

people, you may find the

favour is returned yielding

unexpected friendships and

joy.


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7. Take a big pillow to bed.

• Hold it close to your chest.

– In loss we can feel like

children again, needing

holding and comfort. If we

have lost the one who held

us, it will be important to have

as much touch as possible.

This doesn’t always happen.

– Take a pillow to bed and

cuddle it. No matter how old

you are… this can feel great

and relieve the internal ache.


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8. Hold your forehead and

back of the head, and

cross your feet together.

• This position brings a lot of

comfort quickly and

provides a sense of well-

being.

• Maybe our parents did it for

us when we were babies…

who knows why it works,

but it works!


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Sensible emotional first aid

• Good education

• Good friends

• Good food

• Good rest

• Good work

• Good exercise

• Good fun

• Good touch

• Good drink

• Good faith

• These are the first ports of

call for any emotional

distress, including any

losses including the death

of someone close to us.


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Thoughts to ponder

Quote…

“It's only when we truly know

and understand that we have a

limited time on earth -- and

that we have no way of

knowing when our time is up,

we will then begin to live each

day to the fullest, as if it was

the only one we had.”

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross


module 6 grief and personal growth part b 30.4.13

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