TXB Module 2: Dumperand Dumped

by Michael Fiore

www.textyourexback.com

Copyright 2012 c by Michael Fiore and Digital Romance, Inc. Allrights reserved. Reproduction and distribution in any way, shape, orform is forbidden. No part of this manual or its accompanying audioand/or video material shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,or transmitted by any other means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy-ing, recording or otherwise without prior written permission from theauthor. If you have questions, email legal@textyourexback.com.

Copyrighted materials cited in this course are reproduced here for edu-cational purposes only under fair use provisions of U.S. Copyright law.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative in-formation with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold withthe understanding that the author is not engaged in rendering legal,accounting or other professional advice. If legal advice or other profes-sional assistance is required, the services of a competent professionalshould be sought. Michael Fiore and Digital Romance, Inc. individu-ally or corporately, do not accept any responsibility for any liabilitiesresulting for the actions of any parties involved.

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Dumper and DumpedLets Get One Thing Straight: Why Did You

Break Up?Things seemed to be going so well. Jenny dug Phil. They hadgreat sex. They had a ton of fun together. Things seemed tobe progressing. Until the day he got that fateful phone call. Ifeel like you dont respect me and I think I want to see otherpeople. Wow! That hit him in the gutPhil always bought herflowers, took her out to the nicest restaurants, and was evenextra-nice to her mother. What did it mean?

Phil had some serious thinking to do.

In this module well talk about why you and your ex broke up and whatthe conversation in your exs mind is about you. You will start findingthe fuel you need to put your plan into action, using simple text mes-sages to seduce her or him back into your life, and ideally have themthink it was their own idea.

The key question for this module is this:

Why did you break up really?To help you answer this question, Ive created a very simple form for youto fill out. This is importantyou will use this material throughout thebook. Before you get started, here are two words to keep in mind:

Be HONEST.

If you lie to yourself about why you and your ex REALLY broke up, orwhat you really want the Text Your Ex Back program to do for you, youregoing to be very disappointed when you pull the texting trigger.

Honesty can be painful. Facing the real reasons for your breakup canbe more painful than the breakup itself. Admitting you played a part inthe breakup? Ouch. This is tough stuff. Face it nowor put this bookdown before you hurt yourself. Got it? Good.

Well also cover some important CORE CONCEPTS and INNER GAMEstuff that will make the whole Text Your Ex Back process go much,much smoother.

Before you try to get your ex back, you need to spend a little time under-standing why you broke up in the first place. This might seem obvious

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you might even have spent hour after hour analyzing just what wentwrong. Or you might have no idea. You have to do a bit of emotionaldetective work to unravel the mystery of what happened.

Now, either you got dumped, or you did the dumping. If you got dumped,read Option 1 below. If you did the dumping, skip ahead to Option 2.Do the worksheet that makes sense for your situation. Youll use thismaterial later, so rememberBE HONEST!

Option 1: You got dumped.Getting dumped sucks. It doesnt matter how nice your ex was, or howlong you saw it comingits a blow to the ego.

All is not lost. A strategic program of texting may be able to bring yourex back into your arms. But before you send a single text, you need tofigure out WHY your ex broke up with you. Otherwise, you might endup just making things worse!

NOTE: This is not necessarily the same as why they SAY they broke upwith you. It might be, but it might not be. Getting to the core reason isgoing to require painful analysis and honesty. Its worth it, trust me.

Top 7 Reasons Your Ex Might HaveGiven for Dumping YouAnd What

They Really MeanIts not you, its me.

Yes, people still use this lie ALL THE TIME. Its so vague that its meaninglessor is it?

What it really means: It can mean one of several things, each of whichI will address later in the system.

1. They were not feeling attracted to you anymore but didnt want tohurt your feelings.

2. They were bored. Some people get bored easily. These people canbe in a monogamous relationship, but its more work for you.

3. They werent getting their sexual or emotional needs met but areafraid to tell you in plain English. This can be addressed.

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4. They dont know themselves.

In any case, you have to put in a little extra legwork here. Look backat your relationship and identify key issues that could have led to thebreakup. And look on the bright side: while this reason is usually alie, it generally means they cared enough not to stomp on your ego. Youcan use that to your advantage later.

Our relationship isnt moving forward.What it really means: Its stereotypical, but youll hear this one mostoften from women. Theyre the ones with the biological clock tickingin their heads. This one can also be good news. It means youre notliving up to your potentialbut you HAVE POTENTIAL! Your job is goingto be to convince your ex that youre ready to bring things to the nextlevel, whatever that might be, or to convince them that its not time togo to that level yet.

I just cant relax or You dont appreciateme.

What it really means: Dr. John Gottman (an AMAZING relationshipresearcher at the University of Washington) says that contempt is the#1 indicator of whether a relationship will last. Contempt means con-stantly nagging and criticizing. If this is the case, youre going to haveto learn to accept your ex for who they are and rebuild their trust andself-esteem. I recommend you read Dr. Gottmans work and take it toheart. You can learn more at http://www.gottman.com.

We just dont communicate.What it really means: Another common reason for a woman to breakup with a man. I hear from women all the time who say, I just dontknow whats going on in his head or He never TALKS to me. Later inthis manual youre going to learn some techniques to make speakingyour heart simpler and less frightening. If youre a woman, youll learnto speak a language your man actually responds to.

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I dont want to talk about it. (or silence)What it really means: This is a tough one. Theyre stonewalling youwhy? It might be that you did something specific that theyre so madabout they cant get over it. You may have to eat crow and apologizeto get the conversation going. Or your ex may not have the emotionalmaturity to confront the reasons they broke up with you. In any case,this one requires some internal detective work.

I found someone else.What it really means: The grass is always greener, huh? Finding outthe person you love is with someone else can feel like getting stabbedin the gut (believe me, I know). Its also completely possible that oncethey settle in with a new person, theyll realize what a good thing theyleft behind. Your job here will be to put your best face forward, be asunbothered by whats happened as possible, and slowly open the doorto reconciliation.

Cheating (sexual or emotional)What it really means: I get a lot of emails about this one. If yourex broke up with you because of cheating, its PROBABLY because youcheated on him or her (though sometimes someone will cheat, realizethey cheated because they wanted out of their existing relationship, andthen pull the trigger). Cheating is complicated and deserves specialtreatment.

But first, remember they might have lied.Believe it or not, your ex may have lied about the actual reason for thebreakup. Why would they do this? Either. . .

They still like you, and they dont want to hurt your feelings, OR They dont like confrontation and want to avoid stirring anythingup.

In some cases, they might not even KNOW the real reason. You mighthave to work extra-hard to figure it out.

Should you even think about getting back together with someone whoswilling to lie about such a big deal? Unless theyre a chronic liar, itsprobably not a bit deal. You shouldnt lie about the big stuff, but brutal

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honesty on a day-to-day basis can really mess up a good relation-ship. Your partner doesnt really need to know what goes through yourhead when you eye the cute waiter or waitress.

Why do people cheat?Guys usually cheat because they are horny. Testosterone drives himtowards women like a freight train, and he thinks that he cant helphimself. Im not saying guys SHOULD cheatpromises are promises.Im just saying if they cheat it might very well have nothing to do withyou or the relationship at all. It has to do with his inability to controlhis base urges.

If the cheating was an isolated incident in an otherwise good relation-ship, its not an indicator that a relationship is doomed. If hes a serialcheater, think carefully before proceedingyou probably arent going tochange him.

Some men do cheat for emotional reasons, but its the rarer case.

Girls usually cheat for emotional reasons. Shes craving somethingshes not getting in her or her life. It probably DOES reflect her feel-ings about you or the relationship. That sounds harsh, but its gooditmeans you can do something about it. She might cheat for:

Closeness: You didnt meet her emotional needs. Excitement: Shes bored. Revenge: You cheated on her first, or slighted her in some way. Some complicated reason you cant possibly comprehend: It

happens. Youll have to work on your listening skills and learn herlanguage. It can be done.

And, as with men, there are exceptionssome women cheat becausethey want some action. Its just not as common.

As youre working through these issues, remember one thing: Monogamyis unnatural. OK, OK, before I get hate mail, Im NOT condoning cheat-ing and Im NOT suggesting everyone go out and have a big poly rela-tionship. Im in a monogamous relationship myself and find it extremelyfun, sexy, and exciting. But the fact of the matter is that, despite whatyou may have been told, humans are NOT evolved to be monogamous.Most reputable science shows that humans are NOT evolved to be withjust one person for the rest of our lives. If anything, were built to pairbond for a few years, have a few kids, raise them until theyre old enoughthat they wont be eaten by wild tigers, and then move on.

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Im NOT saying that you should go out and cheat on your partner ortake part in weird orgies. But I am saying that as human beings we areALWAYS going to want and crave variety. This goes for women as well asmen. The fact that we can CHOOSE not to indulge in this desire is partof what makes us human and not monkeys. I think of the monogamything a little bit like I think of flying. Man was not meant to fly, butthrough a lot of hard work we figured out how to do it anyway. Werenot meant to be monogamous either, but through a lot of work we cannot only do it but be really satisfied by it.

Youll have a much happier relationship with your husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend/significant other/1966 Chevy if you let yourself admitthat just like you, your partner is human, makes mistakes and hascravings and desires they cant control (okay, not the Chevy).

If you were dumped, download and print Worksheet 1. Answer the ques-tions as honestly as you can. Heres an example:

WORKSHEET 1: YOU GOT DUMPED(SAMPLE)

1. What reason did your ex give you for breaking things off?She said things were moving too fast and that we needed to seeother people.

2. Whats the REAL reason you think the relationship ended? (Behonest here. What was at the real core of the end of the relation-ship? Ask yourself the question, dig deep, and the answer willcome.)

She thought of me as being a fun fling but not a serious relationship.I think she thinks I will not be able to support the lifestyle she wantsif we get really serious and long-term.

3. Are you willing or able to address the real reason the rela-tionship ended? (If you dont want kids and your ex does, orvice-versa, thats a pretty big deal breaker.) What actions are youwilling to take in the relationship to address these problems? Whatarent you willing to be flexible on? What are your deal breakers?

Yes, I realized that I need to take ownership of my career and havesince started going back to school. I think that when she sees thatI am trying to make something of myself she will see me as a moreserious guy.

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I am not willing to be flexible on my choice of career, but am morewilling to show that I am serious about making it work for me.

4. What did you learn from doing this exercise? (How does it feelto think about this stuff? Are there things that are painful to thinkabout? How are you going to deal with those in reconnecting withyour ex?)

The best thing about this is that even if we dont get back together,its a super positive change in my life. It was hard to realize thatshe was kind of right about me and that I was creating my own badsituation.

Option 2: You did the dumping.So you messed up.

This actually happened to a friend of mine recently. He broke up withhis girlfriend of two years because of his own fear of commitment. Hedipped his toe briefly back into the world of being single, realized howgood hed had it, and then came to me begging for advice on how to gethis woman back.

Let me tell youhe had to work hard to get his ex back. But he did,and so can you. But youre going to have to look in your heart andunderstand the REAL reason you broke up with him or her. What yousaid and what you meant might have as much in common as peanutbutter and nuclear weapons.

Thats OK. You have time. Take as long as you need and create a trulyhonest map of what happened at the end of your relationship. Thiswill help you establish whats going through your exs mind when theythink of you.

Typical Reasons You May HaveBroken Up with Your Ex but Now Want

Them Back:You thought you could do better.

. . . and now you realize youre wrong. It happens. After youvebeen in a relationship for a while, you forget how much itsucked being single. Its like being in a hot tub. When you

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first get in, its like, Ahhhhh, that feels NICE. After ten min-utes or so, you get used to the warmth and bubbly goodnessand start thinking, This isnt as good as it was. You stepout, and WHAMa blast of frigid reality hits you in the swim-suit area.

As long as you didnt make a big stink for years about howstifled you felt, you can probably recover from this one. Yourmate might even be waiting with open armsbut expect tobear an I told you so or two.

You thought they cheated on you. . .. . . but they didnt. If you wrongly accused them, shame onyou. Youll need to re-build those bridges. Jealousy is a pow-erful, most likely biological, force in human nature. Yourereally just trying to protect whats yoursso in a sense, jeal-ousy is OK. But jealousy in this case caused you to make abad decision and not trust your ex. So youll need to let it go. Irecommend a version of what psychologists do to help peoplewho are afraid of snakes (because jealousy is fundamentallya kind of fearfear that your ex will be taken away by somestronger or more attractive monkey). Visualize your ex in asituation that makes you jealous. Linger on the visualizationfor a while. Do some deep breathing and repeat, I trust . is an honorable and trustworthy person.This kind of visualization can help you get over the jealousy.

You thought they cheated on you. . .. . . and they really did. Its noble of you to want to forgivethem. But you need to make a distinction: is it a one-timething, or a pattern? If its a one-time thing, it might neverhappen again. If its a pattern, youre going to have to acceptthem as they are. If youre ready for that, it CAN workbuthonesty is key. See the previous section on cheating for moreadvice.

You werent attracted to them anymore.. . . oh, wait, yes you are. This is another situation where fa-miliarity breeds contempt. Sometimes it just takes gettingout of the Hot Tub of Love to realize what a cold, ugly world itis out there. One thing to watch out for: the pain of a breakupcan lead you to idealize your mate. Make sure youre not look-ing through rose-colored glasses. Or beer goggles.

You had a big fight.. . . but now that youve cooled off, things dont look so bad. If

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you havent spoken to each other since the fight, it might justtake a few strategic texts to get things moving again. Youllhave to swallow your pride. And big fights are usually aboutSOMETHING. Find out what it is, and youll be on your wayto healing the rift.

Word of warning: if there was emotional or physical violence involved,THINK VERY CAREFULLY about whether you should be with that per-son again. Its one thing if you girlfriend poked you in the chest withher finger; its another if she ran over you with her car. Seriously, takestock of whether its safe to get in touch. It might besometimes coupleshave one crazy out-of-control fight and never have another one as longas they live. But if thats not your situation, get help, please.

I get emails from time to time from people (women, oddly enough) whowere truly abusive to their partner. If this is the case, put the programaway. I dont want you to get your ex back. I want you to leave themalone. You should not be trying to get your ex back. You should be intherapy. Only when you have healed whatever wounds cause you to actout in a relationship should you try to get into a relationship again, andin 99% of cases it should NOT be with the person you hurt.

Its All About You. . . Even if it IsntRemember, it cant be about them. It has to be about you. If you brokeup with your ex and you felt good about it, you wouldnt be reading thisbook. But dont try to get back in the relationship thinking your ex isgoing to change to suit you.

Youll have to turn the focus on yourself. If you broke up because youdidnt want to changeguess what, you might have to change. If you fearcommitment, you might have to get used to the idea.

If you broke up because of something you dont like about your exi.e., their cute, hyena-like laugh suddenly became an annoying hyena-like laugh, youre going to have to change your attitude and learn toappreciate them as they are. With a couple of weeks of loneliness underyour belt, that should be a whole lot easier.

If you were the dumper, download and print Worksheet 2. Answer thequestions as honestly as you can. Heres an example:

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WORKSHEET 2: YOU DID THEDUMPING (SAMPLE)

1. What reason did you TELL your ex when you broke up withthem? (If its actually the REAL reason, thats awesome. Hopefullyyou didnt stonewall.)

I told him it was because the energy and fun had gone out of ourrelationship.

2. Why did you break up with your ex? (The real reason. It mighttake some soul searching.)

Pretty much that was the real reason, but I didnt really get into detailwith him. Maybe I should have but I dont like confrontation.

3. Is the reason you broke up with your ex something that youthink can be addressed? (Is it still a deal breaker, or is it some-thing you can move past? If you cant forgive your ex for being whothey are, or change your own behavior or attitudes, youll never besuccessful.)

I really think so. Ive realized during this exercise that I was proba-bly expecting way too much of him. He has been working really hardto provide for us, and now that my mind is in single mode Ive beenlooking around at the guys I know and most of them are total slack-ers. So it was hard to make time for the good times. I could havebeen more understanding, and I could have taken responsibility forcreating some situations where we could rekindle that spark.

4. What did you learn from doing this exercise? (How does it feelto think about this stuff? Are there things that are painful to thinkabout? How are you going to deal with those in reconnecting withyour ex?)

It was hard to admit that I was partly responsible. I still dont likethinking about it as Im a go-getter who loves to solve problems. Ijust wanted him to fix it, but I realized that it takes two to tango.

Whats Next?In the next module, well talk about your BIG GOAL so you can visualizethe outcome and create your plan of attack.

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