milk and honey by rupi kaur - internet archive: digital library of … · 2018. 12. 16. · milk...
TRANSCRIPT
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forthearms
thatholdme
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myheartwokemecryinglastnighthowcanihelpibegged
myheartsaidwritethebook
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contents
thehurting
theloving
thebreaking
thehealing
aletteraboutthewriteraboutthebook
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howisitsoeasyforyoutobekindtopeopleheasked
milkandhoneydrippedfrommylipsasianswered
causepeoplehavenotbeenkindtome
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thefirstboythatkissedmeheldmyshouldersdownlikethehandlebarsofthefirstbicycleheeverrodeiwasfive
hehadthesmellofstarvationonhislipswhichhepickedupfromhisfatherfeastingonhismotherat4a.m.
hewasthefirstboytoteachmemybodywasforgivingtothosethatwantedthatishouldfeelanythinglessthanwhole
andmygoddidifeelasemptyashismotherat4:25a.m.
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itisyourbloodinmyveinstellmehowi’msupposedtoforget
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thetherapistplacesthedollinfrontofyouitisthesizeofgirlsyourunclesliketouching
pointtowherehishandswere
youpointtothespotbetweenitslegstheonehefingeredoutofyoulikeaconfession
how’reyoufeeling
youpullthelumpinyourthroatoutwithyourteethandsayfinenumbreally
-midweeksessions
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hewassupposedtobethefirstmaleloveofyourlifeyoustillsearchforhimeverywhere
-father
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youweresoafraidofmyvoiceidecidedtobeafraidofittoo
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shewasaroseinthehandsofthosewhohadnointentionofkeepingher
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everytimeyoutellyourdaughteryouyellatheroutofloveyouteachhertoconfuseangerwithkindnesswhichseemslikeagoodideatillshegrowsuptotrustmenwhohurthercausetheylooksomuchlikeyou
-tofatherswithdaughters
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i’vehadsexshesaidbutidon’tknowwhatmakinglovefeelslike
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ifiknewwhatsafetylookedlikeiwouldhavespentlesstimefallingintoarmsthatwerenot
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sextakestheconsentoftwoifonepersonislyingtherenotdoinganythingcausetheyarenotreadyornotinthemoodorsimplydon’twanttoyettheotherishavingsexwiththeirbodyit’snotloveitisrape
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theideathatwearesocapableoflovebutstillchoosetobetoxic
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thereisnobiggerillusionintheworldthantheideathatawomanwillbringdishonorintoahomeifshetriestokeepherheartandherbodysafe
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youpinnedmylegstothegroundwithyourfeetanddemandedistandup
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therapewilltearyouinhalf
butitwillnotendyou
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youhavesadnesslivinginplacessadnessshouldn’tlive
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adaughtershouldnothavetobegherfatherforarelationship
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tryingtoconvincemyselfiamallowedtotakeupspaceislikewritingwithmylefthandwheniwasborntousemyright
-theideaofshrinkingishereditary
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youtellmetoquietdowncausemyopinionsmakemelessbeautifulbutiwasnotmadewithafireinmybellysoicouldbeputoutiwasnotmadewithalightnessonmytonguesoicouldbeeasytoswallowiwasmadeheavyhalfbladeandhalfsilkdifficulttoforgetandnoteasyforthemindtofollow
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hegutsherwithhisfingerslikehe’sscrapingtheinsideofacantaloupeclean
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yourmotherisinthehabitofofferingmorelovethanyoucancarry
yourfatherisabsent
youareawartheborderbetweentwocountriesthecollateraldamagetheparadoxthatjoinsthetwobutalsosplitsthemapart
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emptyingoutofmymother’sbellywasmyfirstactofdisappearancelearningtoshrinkforafamilywholikestheirdaughtersinvisiblewasthesecondtheartofbeingemptyissimplebelievethemwhentheysayyouarenothingrepeatittoyourselflikeawishiamnothingiamnothingiamnothingsooftentheonlyreasonyouknowyou’restillaliveisfromtheheavingofyourchest
-theartofbeingempty
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youlookjustlikeyourmother
iguessidocarryhertendernesswell
youbothhavethesameeyes
causewearebothexhausted
andthehands
wesharethesamewiltingfingers
butthatrageyourmotherdoesn’twearthatanger
you’rerightthisrageistheonethingigetfrommyfather
(homagetowarsanshire’sinheritance)
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whenmymotheropenshermouthtohaveaconversationatdinnermyfathershovesthewordhushbetweenherlipsandtellshertoneverspeakwithhermouthfullthisishowthewomeninmyfamilylearnedtolivewiththeirmouthsclosed
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ourkneespriedopenbycousinsandunclesandmenourbodiestouchedbyallthewrongpeoplethateveninabedfullofsafetyweareafraid
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father.youalwayscalltosaynothinginparticular.youaskwhati’mdoingorwhereiamandwhenthesilencestretcheslikealifetimebetweenusiscrambletofindquestionstokeeptheconversationgoing.whatilongtosaymostis.iunderstandthisworldbrokeyou.ithasbeensohardonyourfeet.idon’tblameyoufornotknowinghowtoremainsoftwithme.sometimesistayupthinkingofalltheplacesyouarehurtingwhichyou’llnevercaretomention.icomefromthesameachingblood.fromthesamebonesodesperateforattentionicollapseinonmyself.iamyourdaughter.iknowthesmalltalkistheonlywayyouknowhowtotellmeyouloveme.causeitistheonlywayiknowhowtotellyou.
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youploughintomewithtwofingersandiammostlyshocked.itfeelslikerubberagainstanopenwound.idonotlikeit.youbeginpushingfasterandfaster.butifeelnothing.yousearchmyfaceforareactionsoibeginactinglikethenakedwomeninthevideosyouwatchwhenyouthinknoone’slooking.iimitatetheirmoans.hollowandhungry.youaskifitfeelsgoodandisayyessoquicklyitsoundsrehearsed.buttheacting.youdonotnotice.
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ican’ttellifmymotheristerrifiedorinlovewithmyfatheritalllooksthesame
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iflinchwhenyoutouchmeifearitishim
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whenmymotherwaspregnantwithhersecondchildiwasfouripointedatherswollenbellyconfusedathowmymotherhadgottensobiginsuchlittletimemyfatherscoopedmeinhistreetrunkarmsandsaidtheclosestthingtogodonthisearthisawoman’sbodyit’swherelifecomesfromandtohaveagrownmantellmesomethingsopowerfulatsuchayoungagechangedmetoseetheentireuniverserestedatmymother’sfeet
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istrugglesodeeplytounderstandhowsomeonecanpourtheirentiresoulbloodandenergyintosomeonewithoutwantinganythinginreturn
-iwillhavetowaittilli’mamother
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noitwon’tbeloveatfirstsightwhenwemeetit’llbeloveatfirstremembrancecausei’veseenyouinmymother’seyeswhenshetellsmetomarrythetypeofmani’dwanttoraisemysontobelike
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everyrevolutionstartsandendswithhislips
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whatamitoyouheasksiputmyhandsinhislapandwhisperyouareeveryhopei’veeverhadinhumanform
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myfavoritethingaboutyouisyoursmellyousmelllikeearthherbsgardensalittlemorehumanthantherestofus
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iknowishouldcrumbleforbetterreasonsbuthaveyouseenthatboyhebringsthesuntoitskneeseverynight
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youarethefaintlinebetweenfaithandblindlywaiting
-lettertomyfuturelover
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nothingissaferthanthesoundofyoureadingoutloudtome
-theperfectdate
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heplacedhishandsonmymindbeforereachingformywaistmyhipsormylipshedidn’tcallmebeautifulfirsthecalledmeexquisite
-howhetouchesme
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iamlearninghowtolovehimbylovingmyself
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hesaysiamsorryiamnotaneasypersontowantilookathimsurprisedwhosaidiwantedeasyidon’tcraveeasyicravegoddamndifficult
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theverythoughtofyouhasmylegsspreadapartlikeaneaselwithacanvasbeggingforart
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iamreadyforyouihavealwaysbeenreadyforyou
-thefirsttime
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idonotwanttohaveyoutofilltheemptypartsofmeiwanttobefullonmyowniwanttobesocompleteicouldlightawholecityandtheniwanttohaveyoucausethetwoofuscombinedcouldsetitonfire
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lovewillcomeandwhenlovecomeslovewillholdyoulovewillcallyournameandyouwillmeltsometimesthoughlovewillhurtyoubutlovewillnevermeantolovewillplaynogamescauseloveknowslifehasbeenhardenoughalready
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i’dbelyingifisaidyoumakemespeechlessthetruthisyoumakemytonguesoweakitforgetswhatlanguagetospeakin
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heasksmewhatidoitellhimiworkforasmallcompanythatmakespackagingfor—hestopsmemidsentencenonotwhatyoudotopaythebillswhatdrivesyoucrazywhatkeepsyouupatnight
itellhimiwriteheasksmetoshowhimsomethingitakethetipsofmyfingersplacetheminsidehisforearmandgrazethemdownhiswristgoosebumpsrisetothesurfaceiseehismouthclenchmusclestightenhiseyesporeintomineasthoughi’mthereasonformakingthemblinkibreakgazejustasheinchestowardmeistepback
sothat’swhatyoudoyoucommandattentionmycheeksflushasismileshylyconfessingican’thelpit
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youmightnothavebeenmyfirstlovebutyouwerethelovethatmadealltheotherlovesirrelevant
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you’vetouchedmewithouteventouchingme
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howdoyouturnaforestfirelikemesosoftiturnintorunningwater
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youlooklikeyousmellofhoneyandnopainletmehaveatasteofthat
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yournameisthestrongestpositiveandnegativeconnotationinanylanguageiteitherlightsmeuporleavesmeachingfordays
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youtalktoomuchhewhispersintomyearicanthinkofbetterwaystousethatmouth
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it’syourvoicethatundressesme
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mynamesoundssogoodfrenchkissingyourtongue
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youwrapyourfingersaroundmyhairandpullthisishowyoumakemusicoutofme
-foreplay
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ondayslikethisineedyoutorunyourfingersthroughmyhairandspeaksoftly
-you
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iwantyourhandstoholdnotmyhandsyourlipstokissnotmylipsbutotherplaces
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ineedsomeonewhoknowsstruggleaswellasidosomeonewillingtoholdmyfeetintheirlapondaysitistoodifficulttostandthetypeofpersonwhogivesexactlywhatineedbeforeievenknowineeditthetypeofloverwhohearsmeevenwhenidonotspeakisthetypeofunderstandingidemand
-thetypeofloverineed
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youmovemyhandbetweenmylegsandwhispermakethoseprettylittlefingersdanceforme
-soloperformance
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we’vebeenarguingmorethanweoughtto.aboutthingsneitherofusrememberorcareaboutcausethat’showweavoidthebiggerquestions.insteadofaskingwhywedon’tsayiloveyoutooneanotherasoftenasweusedto.wefightaboutthingslike:whowassupposedtogetupandturnthelightsofffirst.orwhowassupposedtopopthefrozenpizzaintheovenafterwork.takinghitsatthemostvulnerablepartsofoneanother.we’relikefingersonthornshoney.weknowexactlywhereithurts.
andeverythingisonthetabletonight.likethatonetimeyouwhisperedanamei’mprettysurewasn’tmineinyoursleep.orlastweekwhenyousaidyouwereworkinglate.soicalledworkbuttheysaidyou’dalreadyleftacouplehoursago.wherewereyouforthosecouplehours.
iknow.iknow.yourexcusesmakeallthesenseintheworld.andigetalittlecarriedawayfornogoodreasonandeventuallybegincrying.butwhatelsedoyouexpectbaby.iloveyousomuch.i’msorryithoughtyouwerelying.
that’swhenyouholdyourheadwithyourhandsinfrustration.halfbeggingmetostop.halftiredandsickofit.thetoxininourmouthshasburntholesinourcheeks.welooklessalivethanweusedto.lesscolorinourfaces.butdon’tkidyourself.nomatterhowbaditgetswebothknowyoustillwannanailmetotheground.
especiallywheni’mscreamingsoloudourfightingwakestheneighbors.andtheycomerunningtothedoortosaveus.babydon’topenit.
instead.liemedown.laymeopenlikeamap.andwithyourfingertracetheplacesyoustillwantto****outofme.kissmelikeiamthecenterpointofgravityandyouarefallingintomelikemysoulisthefocalpointofyours.andwhenyourmouthiskissingnotmymouthbutotherplaces.mylegswillsplitapartoutofhabit.andthat’swhen.ipullyouin.welcomeyou.home.
whentheentirestreetislookingouttheirwindowswonderingwhatallthecommotionis.andthefiretruckscomerollingintosaveusbuttheycan’tdistinguishwhethertheseflamesbeganwithourangerorourpassion.iwillsmile.throwmyheadback.archmybodylikeamountainyouwanttosplitinhalf.babylickme.
likeyourmouthhasthegiftofreadingandi’myourfavoritebook.findyourfavoritepageinthesoftspotbetweenmylegsandreaditcarefully.fluently.vividly.don’tyoudareleaveasingleworduntouched.andiswearmyendingwillbesogood.thelastfewwordswillcome.runningtoyourmouth.andwhenyou’redone.takeaseat.causeit’smyturntomakemusicwithmykneespressedtotheground.
sweetbaby.this.ishowwepulllanguageoutofoneanotherwiththeflickofourtongues.thisishowwehavetheconversation.this.ishowwemakeup.
-howwemakeup
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whenmymothersaysideservebetterisnaptoyourdefenseoutofhabithestilllovesmeishoutshelooksatmewithdefeatedeyesthewayaparentlooksattheirchildwhentheyknowthisisthetypeofpaineventheycan’tfixandsaysitmeansnothingtomeifhelovesyouifhecan’tdoasinglewretchedthingaboutit
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youweresodistantiforgotyouwerethereatall
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yousaid.ifitismeanttobe.fatewillbringusbacktogether.forasecondiwonderifyouarereallythatnaive.ifyoureallybelievefateworkslikethat.asifitlivesintheskystaringdownatus.asifithasfivefingersandspendsitstimeplacinguslikepiecesofchess.asifitisnotthechoiceswemake.whotaughtyouthat.tellme.whoconvincedyou.you’vebeengivenaheartandamindthatisn’tyourstouse.thatyouractionsdonotdefinewhatwillbecomeofyou.iwanttoscreamandshoutit’susyoufool.we’retheonlyonesthatcanbringusbacktogether.butinsteadisitquietly.smilingsoftlythroughquiveringlipsthinking.isn’titsuchatragicthing.whenyoucanseeitsoclearlybuttheotherpersondoesn’t.
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don’tmistakesaltforsugarifhewantstobewithyouhewillit’sthatsimple
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heonlywhispersiloveyouasheslipshishandsdownthewaistbandofyourpants
thisiswhereyoumustunderstandthedifferencebetweenwantandneedyoumaywantthatboybutyoucertainlydon’tneedhim
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youweretemptinglybeautifulbutstungwhenigotclose
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thewomanwhocomesaftermewillbeabootlegversionofwhoiam.shewilltryandwritepoemsforyoutoerasetheonesi’veleftmemorizedonyourlipsbutherlinescouldneverpunchyouinthestomachthewayminedid.shewillthentrytomakelovetoyourbody.butshewillneverlick,caress,orsucklikeme.shewillbeasadreplacementofthewomanyouletslip.nothingshedoeswillexciteyouandthiswillbreakher.whensheistiredoffallingapartforamanthatdoesn’tgivebackwhathetakesshewillrecognizemeinyoureyelidsstaringatherwithpityandit’llhither.howcansheloveamanwhoisbusylovingsomeonehecannevergethishandsonagain.
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thenexttimeyouhaveyourcoffeeblackyou’lltastethebitterstateheleftyouinitwillmakeyouweepbutyou’llneverstopdrinkingyou’dratherhavethedarkestpartsofhimthanhavenothing
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morethananythingiwanttosaveyoufrommyself
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youhavespentenoughnightswithhismanhoodcurledinsideyourlegstoforgetwhatlonelinessfeelslike
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youwhisperiloveyouwhatyoumeanisidon’twantyoutoleave
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that’sthethingaboutloveitmarinatesyourlipstilltheonlywordyourmouthremembersishisname
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itmusthurttoknowiamyourmostbeautifulregret
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ididn’tleavebecauseistoppedlovingyouileftbecausethelongeristayedthelessilovedmyself
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youmustn’thavetomakethemwantyoutheymustwantyouthemselves
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didyouthinkiwasacitybigenoughforaweekendgetawayiamthetownsurroundingittheoneyou’veneverheardofbutalwayspassthroughtherearenoneonlightsherenoskyscrapersorstatuesbutthereisthunderforimakebridgestrembleiamnotstreetmeatiamhomemadejamthickenoughtocutthesweetestthingyourlipswilltouchiamnotpolicesirensiamthecrackleofafireplacei’dburnyouandyoustillcouldn’ttakeyoureyesoffmecausei’dlooksobeautifuldoingityou’dblushiamnotahotelroomiamhomeiamnotthewhiskeyyouwantiamthewateryouneeddon’tcomeherewithexpectationsandtrytomakeavacationoutofme
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theonewhoarrivesafteryouwillremindmeloveissupposedtobesoft
hewilltastelikethepoetryiwishicouldwrite
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ifhecan’thelpbutdegradeotherwomenwhenthey’renotlookingiftoxicityiscentraltohislanguagehecouldholdyouinhislapandbesofthoneythatmancouldfeedyousugaranddouseyouinrosewaterbutthatstillcouldnotmakehimsweet
-ifyouwanttoknowthetypeofmanheis
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iamamuseumfullofartbutyouhadyoureyesshut
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youmusthaveknownyouwerewrongwhenyourfingersweredippedinsidemesearchingforhoneythatwouldnotcomeforyou
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thethingworthholdingontowouldnothaveletgo
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whenyouarebrokenandhehasleftyoudonotquestionwhetheryouwereenoughtheproblemwasyouweresoenoughhewasnotabletocarryit
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lovemadethedangerinyoulooklikesafety
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evenwhenyouundressheryouaresearchingformeiamsorryitastesogoodwhenthetwoofyoumakeloveitisstillmynamethatrollsoffyourtongueaccidently
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youtreatthemliketheyhaveaheartlikeyoursbutnoteveryonecanbeassoftandastender
youdon’tseethepersontheyareyouseethepersontheyhavethepotentialtobe
yougiveandgivetilltheypulleverythingoutofyouandleaveyouempty
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ihadtoleaveiwastiredofallowingyoutomakemefeelanythinglessthanwhole
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youwerethemostbeautifulthingi’deverfelttillnow.andiwasconvincedyou’dremainthemostbeautifulthingi’deverfeel.doyouknowhowlimitingthatis.tothinkatsucharipeyoungagei’dexperiencedthemostexhilaratingpersoni’devermeet.howi’dspendtherestofmylifejustsettling.tothinki’dtastedtherawestformofhoneyandeverythingelsewouldberefinedandsynthetic.thatnothingbeyondthispointwouldaddup.thatalltheyearsbeyondmecouldnotcombinethemselvestobesweeterthanyou.
-falsehood
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idon’tknowwhatlivingabalancedlifefeelslikewheniamsadidon’tcryipourwheniamhappyidon’tsmileiglowwheniamangryidon’tyelliburn
thegoodthingaboutfeelinginextremesiswheniloveigivethemwingsbutperhapsthatisn’tsuchagoodthingcausetheyalwaystendtoleaveandyoushouldseemewhenmyheartisbrokenidon’tgrieveishatter
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icameallthiswaytogiveyouallthesethingsbutyouaren’tevenlooking
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theabusedandtheabuser
-ihavebeenboth
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iamundoingyoufrommyskin
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itwasn’tyouiwaskissing—don’tbemistaken
itwashimonmymindyourlipswerejustconvenient
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italwayscomesbacktoyouboilscirclesitchesitswaybacktoyou
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iwasmusicbutyouhadyourearscutoff
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mytongueissourfromthehungerofmissingyou
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iwillnothaveyoubuildmeintoyourlifewhenwhatiwantistobuildalifewithyou
-thedifference
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riversfallfrommymouthtearsmyeyescan’tcarry
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youaresnakeskinandikeepsheddingyousomehowmymindisforgettingeveryexquisitedetailofyourfacethelettinggohasbecometheforgettingwhichisthemostpleasantandsaddestthingtohavehappened
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youwerenotwrongforleavingyouwerewrongforcomingbackandthinkingyoucouldhavemewhenitwasconvenientandleavewhenitwasnot
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howcaniwriteifhetookmyhandswithhim
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neitherofusishappybutneitherofuswantstoleavesowekeepbreakingoneanotherandcallingitlove
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webeganwithhonestyletusendinittoo
-us
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yourvoicealonedrivesmetotears
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idon’tknowwhyisplitmyselfopenforothersknowingsewingmyselfuphurtsthismuchafterward
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peoplegobuthowtheyleftalwaysstays
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loveisnotcruelwearecruelloveisnotagamewehavemadeagameoutoflove
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howcanourlovedieifit’swritteninthesepages
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evenafterthehurtthelossthepainthebreakingyourbodyisstilltheonlyoneiwanttobeundressedunder
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thenightafteryouleftiwokeupsobrokentheonlyplacetoputthepieceswerethebagsundermyeyes
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stayiwhisperedasyoushutthedoorbehindyou
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iamconfidentiamoveryou.somuchthatsomemorningsiwakeupwithasmileonmyfaceandmyhandspressedtogetherthankingtheuniverseforpullingyououtofme.thankgodicry.thankgodyouleft.iwouldnotbetheempireiamtodayifyouhadstayed.
butthen.
therearesomenightsiimaginewhatimightdoifyoushowedup.howifyouwalkedintotheroomthisverysecondeveryawfulthingyou’veeverdonewouldbetossedouttheclosestwindowandallthelovewouldriseupagain.itwouldpourthroughmyeyesasifitneverreallyleftinthefirstplace.asifit’sbeenpracticinghowtostaysilentsolongonlysoitcouldbethisloudonyourarrival.cansomeoneexplainthat.howevenwhentheloveleaves.itdoesn’tleave.howevenwheniamsopastyou.iamsohelplesslybroughtbacktoyou.
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heisn’tcomingbackwhisperedmyheadhehastosobbedmyheart
-wilting
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idon’twanttobefriendsiwantallofyou
-more
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iamlosingpartsofyoulikeiloseeyelashesunknowinglyandeverywhere
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youcannotleaveandhavemetooicannotexistintwoplacesatonce
-whenyouaskifwecanstillbefriends
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iamwater
softenoughtoofferlifetoughenoughtodrownitaway
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whatimissmostishowyoulovedme.butwhatididn’tknowwashowyoulovedmehadsomuchtodowiththepersoniwas.itwasareflectionofeverythingigavetoyou.comingbacktome.howdidinotseethat.how.didisitheresoakingintheideathatnooneelsewouldlovemethatway.whenitwasithattaughtyou.whenitwasithatshowedyouhowtofill.thewayineededtobefilled.howcrueliwastomyself.givingyoucreditformywarmthsimplybecauseyouhadfeltit.thinkingitwasyouwhogavemestrength.wit.beauty.simplybecauseyourecognizedit.asifiwasalreadynotthesethingsbeforeimetyou.asifididnotremainalltheseonceyouleft.
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youleavebutyoudon’tstaygonewhydoyoudothatwhydoyouabandonthethingyouwanttokeepwhydoyoulingerinaplaceyoudonotwanttostaywhydoyouthinkit’sokaytodobothgoandreturnallatonce
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iwilltellyouaboutselfishpeople.evenwhentheyknowtheywillhurtyoutheywalkintoyourlifetotasteyoubecauseyouarethetypeofbeingtheydon’twanttomissouton.youaretoomuchshinetonotbefelt.sowhentheyhavegottenagoodlookateverythingyouhavetooffer.whentheyhavetakenyourskinyourhairyoursecretswiththem.whentheyrealizehowrealthisis.howmuchofastormyouareandithitsthem.
thatiswhenthecowardicesetsin.thatiswhenthepersonyouthoughttheywereisreplacedbythesadrealityofwhattheyare.thatiswhentheyloseeveryfightingboneintheirbodyandleaveaftersayingyouwillfindbetterthanme.
youwillstandtherenakedwithhalfofthemstillhiddensomewhereinsideyouandsob.askingthemwhytheydidit.whytheyforcedyoutolovethemwhentheyhadnointentionoflovingyoubackandthey’llsaysomethingalongthelinesofijusthadtotry.ihadtogiveitachance.itwasyouafterall.
butthatisn’tromantic.itisn’tsweet.theideathattheyweresoengulfedbyyourexistencetheyhadtoriskbreakingitforthesakeofknowingtheyweren’ttheonemissingout.yourexistencemeantthatlittlenexttotheircuriosityofyou.
thatisthethingaboutselfishpeople.theygambleentirebeings.entiresoulstopleasetheirown.onesecondtheyareholdingyouliketheworldintheirlapandthenexttheyhavebelittledyoutoamerepicture.amoment.somethingofthepast.onesecond.theyswallowyouupandwhispertheywanttospendtherestoftheirlifewithyou.butthemomenttheysensefear.theyarealreadyhalfwayoutthedoor.withouthavingthenervetoletyougowithgrace.asifthehumanheartmeansthatlittletothem.
andafterallthis.afterallofthetaking.thenerve.isn’titsadandfunnyhowpeoplehavemoregutsthesedaystoundressyouwiththeirfingersthantheydotopickupthephoneandcall.apologize.fortheloss.andthisishowyouloseher.
-selfish
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todolist(afterthebreakup):
1.takerefugeinyourbed.2.cry.tillthetearsstop(thiswilltakeafewdays).3.don’tlistentoslowsongs.4.deletetheirnumberfromyourphoneeventhoughitismemorizedonyourfingertips.5.don’tlookatoldphotos.6.findtheclosesticecreamshopandtreatyourselftotwoscoopsofmintchocolatechip.themint
willcalmyourheart.youdeservethechocolate.7.buynewbedsheets.8.collectallthegifts,t-shirts,andeverythingwiththeirsmellonitanddropitoffatadonation
center.9.planatrip.10.perfecttheartofsmilingandnoddingwhensomeonebringstheirnameupinconversation.11.startanewproject.12.whateveryoudo.donotcall.13.donotbegforwhatdoesnotwanttostay.14.stopcryingatsomepoint.15.allowyourselftofeelfoolishforbelievingyoucould’vebuilttherestofyourlifeinsomeone
else’sstomach.16.breathe.
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thewaytheyleavetellsyoueverything
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perhapsidon’tdeservenicethingscauseiampayingforsinsidon’tremember
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thethingaboutwritingisican’ttellifit’shealingordestroyingme
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donotbotherholdingontothatthingthatdoesnotwantyou
-youcannotmakeitstay
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youmustenterarelationshipwithyourselfbeforeanyoneelse
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acceptthatyoudeservemorethanpainfullovelifeismovingthehealthiestthingforyourheartistomovewithit
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itisapartofthehumanexperiencetofeelpaindonotbeafraidopenyourselftoit
-evolving
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lonelinessisasignyouareindesperateneedofyourself
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youareinthehabitofco-dependingonpeopletomakeupforwhatyouthinkyoulack
whotrickedyouintobelievinganotherpersonwasmeanttocompleteyouwhenthemosttheycandoiscomplement
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donotlookforhealingatthefeetofthosewhobrokeyou
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ifyouwerebornwiththeweaknesstofallyouwerebornwiththestrengthtorise
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perhapsthesaddestofallarethosewholivewaitingforsomeonethey’renotsureexists
-7billionpeople
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staystrongthroughyourpaingrowflowersfromityouhavehelpedmegrowflowersoutofminesobloombeautifullydangerouslyloudlybloomsoftlyhoweveryouneedjustbloom
-tothereader
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ithanktheuniversefortakingeverythingithastakenandgivingtomeeverythingitisgiving
-balance
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ittakesgracetoremainkindincruelsituations
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fallinlovewithyoursolitude
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thereisadifferencebetweensomeonetellingyoutheyloveyouandthemactuallylovingyou
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sometimestheapologynevercomeswhenitiswanted
andwhenitcomesitisneitherwantednorneeded
-youaretoolate
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youtellmeiamnotlikemostgirlsandlearntokissmewithyoureyesclosedsomethingaboutthephrase—somethingabouthowihavetobeunlikethewomenicallsistersinordertobewantedmakesmewanttospityourtongueoutlikeiamsupposedtobeproudyoupickedmeasifishouldberelievedyouthinkiambetterthanthem
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thenexttimehepointsoutthehaironyourlegsisgrowingbackremindthatboyyourbodyisnothishomeheisaguestwarnhimtoneveroutstephiswelcomeagain
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tobesoftistobepowerful
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youdeservetobecompletelyfoundinyoursurroundingsnotlostwithinthem
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iknowit’shardbelievemeiknowitfeelsliketomorrowwillnevercomeandtodaywillbethemostdifficultdaytogetthroughbutiswearyouwillgetthroughthehurtwillpassasitalwaysdoesifyougiveittimeandletitsoletitgoslowlylikeabrokenpromiseletitgo
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ilikethewaythestretchmarksonmythighslookhumanandthatwe’resosoftyetroughandjunglewildwhenweneedtobeilovethataboutushowcapableweareoffeelinghowunafraidweareofbreakingandtendtoourwoundswithgracejustbeingawomancallingmyselfawomanmakesmeutterlywholeandcomplete
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myissuewithwhattheyconsiderbeautifulistheirconceptofbeautycentersaroundexcludingpeopleifindhairbeautifulwhenawomanwearsitlikeagardenonherskinthatisthedefinitionofbeautybighookednosespointingupwardtotheskylikethey’rerisingtotheoccasionskinthecolorofearthmyancestorsplantedcropsontofeedalineageofwomenwiththighsthickastreetrunkseyeslikealmondsdeeplyhoodedwithconvictiontheriversofpunjabflowthroughmybloodstreamsodon’ttellmemywomenaren’tasbeautifulastheonesinyourcountry
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ourbackstellstoriesnobookshavethespinetocarry
-womenofcolor
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acceptyourselfasyouweredesigned
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yourbodyisamuseumofnaturaldisasterscanyougrasphowstunningthatis
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losingyouwasthebecomingofmyself
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otherwomen’sbodiesarenotourbattlegrounds
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removingallthehairoffyourbodyisokayifthat’swhatyouwanttodojustasmuchaskeepingallthehaironyourbodyisokayifthat’swhatyouwanttodo
-youbelongonlytoyourself
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apparentlyitisungracefulofmetomentionmyperiodinpubliccausetheactualbiologyofmybodyistooreal
itisokaytosellwhat’sbetweenawoman’slegsmorethanitisokaytomentionitsinnerworkings
therecreationaluseofthisbodyisseenasbeautifulwhileitsnatureisseenasugly
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youwereadragonlongbeforehecamearoundandsaidyoucouldfly
youwillremainadragonlongafterhe’sleft
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iwanttoapologizetoallthewomenihavecalledprettybeforei’vecalledthemintelligentorbraveiamsorryimadeitsoundasthoughsomethingassimpleaswhatyou’rebornwithisthemostyouhavetobeproudofwhenyourspirithascrushedmountainsfromnowoniwillsaythingslikeyouareresilientoryouareextraordinarynotbecauseidon’tthinkyou’reprettybutbecauseyouaresomuchmorethanthat
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ihavewhatihaveandiamhappy
i’velostwhati’velostandiamstillhappy
-outlook
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youlookatmeandcryeverythinghurts
iholdyouandwhisperbuteverythingcanheal
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ifthehurtcomessowillthehappiness
-bepatient
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thenamekaurmakesmeafreewomanitremovestheshacklesthattrytobindmeupliftsmetoremindmeiamequaltoanymaneventhoughthestateofthisworldscreamstomeiamnotthatiammyownwomanandibelongwhollytomyselfandtheuniverseithumblesmecallsoutandsaysihaveauniversaldutytosharewithhumanitytonurtureandservethesisterhoodtoraisethosethatneedraisingthenamekaurrunsinmyblooditwasinmebeforetheworditselfexisteditismyidentityandmyliberation
-kaurawomanofsikhi
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theworldgivesyousomuchpainandhereyouaremakinggoldoutofit
-thereisnothingpurerthanthat
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howyouloveyourselfishowyouteachotherstoloveyou
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myheartachesforsistersmorethananythingitachesforwomenhelpingwomenlikeflowersacheforspring
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thegoddessbetweenyourlegsmakesmouthswater
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youareyourownsoulmate
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somepeoplearesobitter
tothemyoumustbekindest
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weallmoveforwardwhenwerecognizehowresilientandstrikingthewomenaroundusare
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foryoutoseebeautyheredoesnotmeanthereisbeautyinmeitmeansthereisbeautyrootedsodeepwithinyouyoucan’thelpbutseeiteverywhere
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hairifitwasnotsupposedtobetherewouldnotbegrowingonourbodiesinthefirstplace
-weareatwarwithwhatcomesmostnaturallytous
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mostimportantlylovelikeit’stheonlythingyouknowhowattheendofthedayallthismeansnothingthispagewhereyou’resittingyourdegreeyourjobthemoneynothingevenmattersexceptloveandhumanconnectionwhoyoulovedandhowdeeplyyoulovedthemhowyoutouchedthepeoplearoundyouandhowmuchyougavethem
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iwanttoremainsorootedtothegroundthesetearsthesehandsthesefeetsinkin
-grounded
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youhavetostopsearchingforwhyatsomepointyouhavetoleaveitalone
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ifyouarenotenoughforyourselfyouwillneverbeenoughforsomeoneelse
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youmustwanttospendtherestofyourlifewithyourselffirst
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ofcourseiwanttobesuccessfulbutidon’tcravesuccessformeineedtobesuccessfultogainenoughmilkandhoneytohelpthosearoundmesucceed
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myheartbeatquickensatthethoughtofbirthingpoemswhichiswhyiwillneverstopopeningmyselfuptoconceivethemthelovemakingtothewordsissoeroticiameitherinloveorinlustwiththewritingorboth
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whatterrifiesmemostishowwefoamatthemouthwithenvywhenotherssucceedbutsighinreliefwhentheyarefailing
ourstruggletocelebrateeachotheriswhat’sprovenmostdifficultinbeinghuman
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yourartisnotabouthowmanypeoplelikeyourworkyourartisaboutifyourheartlikesyourworkifyoursoullikesyourworkit’sabouthowhonestyouarewithyourselfandyoumustnevertradehonestyforrelatability
-toallyouyoungpoets
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givetothosewhohavenothingtogivetoyou
-seva(selflessservice)
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yousplitmeopeninthemosthonestwaythereistosplitasoulopenandforcedmetowriteatatimeiwassureicouldnotwriteagain
-thankyou
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youhavemadeittotheend.withmyheartinyourhands.thankyou.forarrivingheresafely.forbeingtenderwiththemostdelicatepartofme.sitdown.breathe.youmustbetired.letmekissyourhands.youreyes.theymustbewantingofsomethingsweet.iamsendingyouallmysugar.iwouldbenowhereandnothingifitwerenotforyou.you’vehelpedmebecomethewomaniwantedtobe.butwastooafraidtobe.doyouhaveanyideahowmuchofamiracleyouare.howlovelyit’sbeen.andhowlovelyitwillalwaysbe.iamkneelingbeforeyou.sayingthankyou.iamsendingmylovetoyoureyes.maytheyalwaysseegoodnessinpeople.andmayyoualwayspracticekindness.mayweseeeachotherasone.maywebenothingshortofinlovewitheverythingtheuniversehastooffer.andmaywealwaysstaygrounded.rooted.ourfeetplantedfirmlyontotheearth.
-aloveletterfrommetoyou
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rupikaurisawriterandartistbasedintoronto,canada.throughoutherpoetryandillustrationssheengageswiththemesoflove,loss,trauma,healing,andfemininity.shesharesherwritingwiththeworldasameanstocreateasafespaceforprogressivehealingandforwardmovement.hercreativedirectionandphotographyhavebrokeninternationalboundariesandhavesincemadeitintogalleries,magazines,andspacesaroundtheworld.whensheisnotwritingorcreatingotherart,sheistravelingtoperformspokenword,aswellashostingwritingworkshops.youcanfindmoreofherworkat:www.rupikaur.com
-aboutthewriter
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milkandhoneyisacollectionofpoetryaboutlovelosstraumaabusehealingandfemininityitissplitintofourchapterseachchapterservesadifferentpurposedealswithadifferentpainhealsadifferentheartachemilkandhoneytakesreadersthroughajourneyofthemostbittermomentsinlifeandfindssweetnessinthembecausethereissweetnesseverywhereifyouarejustwillingtolook
-aboutthebook
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CheckouttheseandotherAndrewsMcMeelbooksatwww.andrewsmcmeel.com:
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Sharingyourthoughtscanhelpusimproveourebooks.Wewould
appreciateyourfeedback.Thankyou!
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milkandhoneycopyright©2015byRupiKaur.Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithoutwrittenpermissionexceptinthecaseof
reprintsinthecontextofreviews.
AndrewsMcMeelPublishingadivisionofAndrewsMcMeelUniversal
1130WalnutStreet,KansasCity,Missouri64106
www.andrewsmcmeel.comwww.rupikaur.com
ISBN:978-1-4494-7866-7
LibraryofCongressControlNumber:2015946719
EbookbyErikaKuster
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AndrewsMcMeelbooksareavailableatquantitydiscountswithbulkpurchaseforeducational,business,orsalespromotionaluse.Forinformation,pleasee-mailtheAndrewsMcMeel
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