Am I sacrificing too much?

Despite the changes in women’s roles and choices since the 1970s, we’re still prone to unconscious,involuntary, self-defeating self-sacrifice, due to our training in what I call the “culture of sacrifice.”See if you recognize yourself in any of the indicators below.

Do you ever:· Suppress a thought, trait, or any little thing about yourself that you suspect a potential significant

other wouldn’t like?· Feel resentful because you’re always doing what other people want to do instead of what you’d like

to do?· Feel guilty if you do take time for something only you want to do?· Feel taken advantage of or unappreciated in your relationships? At work?

Then ask yourself:What are the things that upset you, frustrate you, make you indignant? These offer the best clues.Examples:

· You’re in a perpetual state of indignation because you always run the bake sale for the PTA. You’rewaiting for someone to offer to share the load, but no one ever does.

· Your partner washes dishes and helps clean, but you do the rest, especially the exhaustingmanagerial role—keeping track of everyone’s appointments, buying soap and toilet paper beforethey run out, and so on. You can feel your resentment just building and building.

Now examine the impact your sacrifice has both on you and on the people you make it for.· Despite your indignation, you keep quiet, because under your management the bake sales bring

in a lot of money that the school really needs. But is it healthy for the group to rely on one personand not build new leadership? What will they do when your kids graduate and you’re no longeraround?It’s true that by taking on more household responsibilities, you’re releasing your partner, who hasa heavy load at work, from a lot of stress. But what is your mounting subterranean anger doingto your relationship?Is this sacrifice really beneficial?

Finally: are you developing a victim identity?It’s easy to be seduced into what I call a victim identity, which means you begin to feel not just resentfulbut also self-righteous, because your sacrifice is so noble and unappreciated. Are you starting to feel abit like a marty, a bit better than other people? Watch that! Both anger and self-righteousness create afalse sense of power and actually limit your ability to act—which is the real way to stop being a victim.

How to stop making unhealthy sacrificesThe key: learning to set healthy boundaries. Pay attention to your body’s signals. Is a headache tellingyou you’ve pushed yourself too hard? Decide what you can realistically expect from yourself, emo-tionally and physically, and define a new boundary. Then make a conscious effort not to go beyond it.

For more details on boundary-setting, and to learn how to tell when a sacrifice is positive, goodfor you and others, read Mermaid No More. (Hint: healthy sacrifice feels good.)

by Stephanie Golden Mermaid No More stephanie@stephaniegolden.net