IsqREPORT

Box 22113 ,OFTEN IN ERROR - NEVER IN DOUBTT cA 94122

May, l -989 Happy Motherrs DaY

THOU SHALT NOT STEAI,:UitpOlwa, gaLUON nUgHOtn ENO fHg UOVnUgNf fO HeLf gtglJlCal SAI{PLING

If you thought the brouhaha over trThe Last Ternptation of Christtt was about

frei speech, then think again. The real f ight was over royalt ies. UCA,

Universal and Scorcese nad -sirnply

refused to pay the Church for the use of

the bibl ical text and christ character. The resutt - a prel iminary injunctive

st r ike against the box of f ice.welcome to the most exciting program for religious behaviour control since

in" rnguisit ion. rnstead ot- g-oin-q after the heretic idolatr ic masses with

threats of Godrs wrath and eteinal punishment, the ne$t theology is to

prosecute the heathen as infringers. Church groups now view Christ, Mohammed

and Buddha the way that Disney riiews Mickey Mouse - eternally licensable and

ever-profi table.Crippled by f inancialbegun an offensive toOld Testament to theintegrated

Continued on Page 5

Iosses, the international religious collectives haveexert proprietary controls over everything from tlt"Koran.- A1f derivative characters and all of the

FROM th6 Ed.itorNEUTERED PRMCY - Many readers have complai-nedabout the sale of the A&R Report rnail ing l iststo outside marketing organizations. If you donrtwish to receive such unsolicited materialsr Youbetter change your address or else read the f ineprint on your A&R Reportsubscript ion contract (Page 2, Section 7.8 (ttSale to Third Party Market ngtt )Donrt forget our credo, rrThe New Privacy is No Privacylr lKIDS AGAIN8T CONNED-SUI|ERISI| - Our new publication, A&R Jt., has f inal ly gonefromplanning s tage to prototype. A i rned at to ts f rom 5| - ,o L2, our ch i ldrenrsedit ion wilf focus on grey market toys, I icensed characters and relatedmerchandising t ie-ins, a! welf as the usual product reviews and pint-sizedcommentary. Expect the f irst rnini- ish this falI .SURVEY SAYS! We canrt love you unless we know you - and the response to ourreadership survey has been llower than usual making us wonder if brain ceIIdegeneration may f inal ly have taken its tol l . To spur responses, we wil l beselecting, at random, one reader for a special surprise mystery gift ' box.Better get your survey in before the June 15th deadline! Ti l l next ish - ed-

o A&R l -989

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t THE BAu BALAuS. Maybe you've heard of the

, band , t hen aga in maybe no t . Werve i nc luded

I a copy o f o r r r l a tes t s i ng le . We wan ted to

\ d roP you a l i ne , , cause we k r row tha t

, magazines l ike yours keep real Rock and Rol l a l ive.

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iconography (star of David, the crucif ix, etc. ) wil l be subject to str ictl icensing and rnerchandising programs. By tapping into this tr i f f ion do1larworld-wide market, church brbupl hope to genera{e continuous internationalincome and stimulate dwindling rnenbership.Thatrs why holy rol lers threw the wet blanket on Mama Cicconers pepsicampaign. Her unlicensed use of the rrMadonnarr namesake, the crucif ix 1olo,and the Christ character was more than an affront to Chrisitans it was-anunpermitted taking of Church property.Ditto for the rrsatanic Versesrt affair. I f yourre wondering why the Ayatol1ah$idn'! ' guietly send out some uzi-packing tr lustafas to smoke Salman i.ushdie,i t ts because the one Mil l ion Do1l-ar furkey Shoot was airned at scaring ofif i lm industry insurance carr iers ( i .e . to :< i f f the TV and f i lm r ights i . r fyou want to make a movie using Islamic references, you better pay yourroyalt ies up front!Whatrs next? Expect an al l-out onslaught against Bibl ical sampling therrborrowi ngrr of snippets of rel igious phrlses ind verses for their asso-ciativecommercial powers in music (rrTurn, iurn, Turnrr), movies (ttAnd God CreatedWomanrr) and publishing (ttThe Xingdorn and the Powerrr). After that, Churchgroups are expected to go after unlicensed secular uses of Bibl ica1 names inmarketing and in entertainment ( i .e. Mad.onna, Jesus and Mary Chain, JesusChr is t Superstar) .International entertainers and merchandisers are forewarned - pay your titheor you wil l be the target of this increasing and uncontrol lable-I icensingterrorism. And next t ime you put on that your crucif ix earring, better checkto see that i t 's an authentic Christ ian Enterprises produci and not someblasphemous knock off! Cursed are the contributory infr ingers and blessed ishe who supports l icensed goods.

1'&AaR

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Dear A&Rs

Sonething has happened to me.I used to think in an orderlylinear fashion. Now, my thoughtsare fragrmented and random.Sometimes I am unable to speakbecause rny mind is programmingendless versions of what I couldsay. My brain feels l ike i t hasbeen divided into varioussubdirectories. Sorne port ionsof my mind seem to have beencompletely re-formatted. I nolonger believe that people arecreative individuals. I am nowconvinced that what we callcreativity is merely are-sequencing of s toredinformation. AtI of this givesme a depressing, yet comfortingfeeling of the transientguali t ies of l i fe and theuniverse. My fr iends think Ishould see a psychiatr ist.Whatrs wrong with me? At Peacein Pittsburgb, Pr.

Dear At Peace:

Therets nothing wrong with you.Yourre probably in the earlystages of what the journals arec a l I i n g r r R a n d o m A c c e s sSyndrornert . You don't need to seea p s y c h i a t r i s t b e c a u s epsychiatry is based on anantiguated l inear pattern ofcause and ef fect. Your rnind hasadvanced beyond such a prinitiveinferential system.Remain at peace as you undergothe progressive stages of thisnear-spir i tual transformation.

t t l l

Dear A&R:

I know what people say aboutgrav i ty and that rs whY we donr tfaII off the earth but I keePthinking that gravity, l ike theozone Iayer, is being dePletedby toxic wastes. Several monthsago I experienced a weightlessfeeling as i f I might f loatupwards. After that incident fstarted wearing ankle weights.I had to add more weights lastweek. I t rs get t ing harder towalk . What ts wrong wi th me?4 . C . , F r i s c o , C A .

D e a r A . C . !

Therers noth ing wrong wi th You.There is no c lear sc ient i f icdata available to disprove Yourtheory. Donr t be af ra id tofol low your instincts. However,donr t re ly exc lus ive ly on aper-pound weight system. A pairof l ight ankle weightssupplemented with the properdiet - heavy and slow digestingfoods such as beef andrnutton - wil l stabil ize Youwithout the body stress. Goodluck.

TTHATIS WRONG WITH YOU?

If you fee l l ike someth ingrswrong with you, send us Yourletters and werl l keep them instr ictest confidence (unlesstheyt re so r id icu lous we haveto show thern to a few friendsfor some laughs) . Mai I to A&R,P . O . Box 22L1 ,3 , Sunse t S ta t i on ,San Francisco CA 94L22.