\{eREPORT

Box 22113 ,OFTEN IMRROR - NEVER IN DOUBTI s . F . c A 9 4 1 2 2

May, 198 Happy Mother

JUST THE FAX, I{AIAM:TECI{T.TOLOGICAL REPRODUCTION. INSTANTANEOUS TRANSMISSION AND THE NEO-BABY BOOM

Th is Mo the r ' s Day , don ' t bo the r w i r i ng f l owers . A f te r a l l , t oday ' s busy Momdoesn' t have t ime to deal wi th vases, f lora1 arrangements and that ickyf lower smel l . f f you real ly want to express thanks for the years ofmaternal- reproductive benevolence then why not get Mom something that realIymat ters her own facs imi le machine.Tha t ' s r i gh t , i t ' s be t te r t han an answer ing mach ine , h ippe r t han a cop ie rand cheaper than overn ight mai l . No quest ion about i t , Fax machj -nes are thehot test th ing to come down the consumer p ipe l ine s ince rechargeablebat ter j -es and min i -vacs. But a long wi th the incredib le power ofinstantaneously t ransmi t t ing two-d imensional documentat j -on comes a deeper ,more t roubl ing problem - our deter iorat ing abi l i ty to separate creat lv i tyf rom reproduct ion; or ig ina l i ty f rom facs imi le - a problem so perp lex ing thatit has altered our perception of human reproduction as well as documentreproduct ion.The fax machj .ne is the miss ing l ink in a b io-mechanica l - As our

Continued on page 4

FROM th6 Ed.itorARE YOU TALKING TO ME? SUrE WC tAlK tOourselves ! We mutter pr ivately when nobody islooking. We make spontaneous exclamat ions atthe s l ightest provocat ion. But what separatesus f rom the res t o f the wor ld i s tha t we ' re no t

lend the i r ta lents to publ ic ize the cause inc lude Mickey Rourke and Mar lonBrando. More deta i ls TBA at our annual convent ion.CHECK PLEASE Thanks for helping us save an endangered specj-es the A&RReport Reader . The unquest ion ing (and non- tax-deduct ib le) suppor t which wasshbwn in response to our recent iubscr ip t ion dr ive has a l lowed us to f ina l lyrest comfor tab ly on our assets as wel l as meet incredib le r is ing p izzadel ivery costs . Look for more specia l features, speci -a l products andspecia l grooming t ips.CnOSSEO Off - Our merger of God and consumerism in our hot new feature NEW &IMPROVED has resul ted in severa l cancel led subscr j -p t ions in the Bib le Bel t .The Lord g iveth and the Lord taketh away. T i l1 next ish - ed.

( c ) 1 9 8 8 A & R

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ll:y" "".rt::,r"^s:*:: -rii ,( l9w uaring Game,, will; lpc." a show featuring heai-ins-impaired conteiliiti-rls_,

rng slgn language _ with an I4 J

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GODFATHERS apri l 4 i-Beam in SFWhrte applging {.ose otl-innp't ^f tatt {"*, egiiz.s df Aq*-;./et rrn rrtegrc[9 bq{troo;, A mtrtd t}e crndomg 6c sale were called "C['ose fllprrihers."{.n {o {tne b".i Jte I-Bea. has gu"h n crunmj beer sclectrbn {1nat A had+" ocdec a l5l ruyl\ + c.ol.;e + got 5onta dcunk jorfa, .6st C Not so drunk

*ho {o $inL +I.at ne leat aigef .-in {l,e ruarnr- v? qA ) Bofir,nnion Lrv Jonq wajas c-ol 0e b tlrought he dlt)A 11* tllchael Sn1drc (ura{a d"tt), *ho warhopin5 the G.d{qnir: vrou\{ cure hig {1",. 0K. w.tl,

',( +hrrds one 'flring

A hctes ;fi's 6 band ,rtat rtter"pb J. poce -ftcir lwe sds. the ) Falners'\g$l $r5t eong.\^rot " B,i{h SchoolworL Dealhj' Stlo*"d by "Cuz I soid So./'

\elf Fta& ulov!flhe co{erij "Gfd ' lrckeS'i " Anacc\.in tL-.u.K,'., !"fri l 'rf-ro. 'yorr ?,4rrf To flo;tv," C'/,lor brr#

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0u5t Jeqlour t,: ,[he 6d - Fo*fr - tre I)\o! n"k;n' al/t5hf .l Their whole

shoul Seened h,i,itoc,corl . .. fiLer "were WJ rt 4l+nnontJ'l or " u,here u,ere

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0h Cloiri ClassicS'ti Zo 1ear;,7he gu,*arila[c- +t, lne wlw e*qnds i, Iht 141- hos fu bqt rghr hond-sincewitko Johnson ! \ts! thaa atl anK shinq si,ts. The srigf l"tl the crorl,

^Yl , k1ro*, f 'm nof f;,t17'td"l vp here ."' (No yiddrng.\,tlr's gL., -ed) '

B.,t don* ae1K A 'lzo r"ruch a'b9,it ns singer (or the drrr",rf \ b$s playqor ot\ergui*ar pta,ler) becaruse A ,:\ ,orfrhrd

"ir -gr:,{or playr-{he one who shnk on

{tre le{* - *ie o^e wih mL nlues (eluot lo Lein pdrorls _ lhaJ,s nThf_yovheard ne.), +he one with h: trrooses, a IgJ.'1 beurti{,l gui{or heror'r! o^'itz.leare oldj A s*ooJ nexf i" n, 2+oy (on -the letl we ascu^i.aa).,

'u,he re ,:'n, !5, didn'* go b *ilt wi*h The rum t ca*er+ Av iii"4Jehr Schrou:,

lol'f io le ave" a{4q the i.rd gon4 becavse someone h* hinovr the heldr. 1'(, 4 yds \,?r1 el',,ted - trrtolF, w?r€ w nosTexi,h'aJhour in leare ! T.eath I the gi',{o, plaqer - lhe on? wl,a 4ands o^ the

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^rnr, ",1t 0n engraved ,:;;;:,i d;; me*at plofro\lcr 'lle whok $o*, Yn[ # liv' rrte ins;li af ^ *in can. Tle picy'-vp5+ lLubs + €wr3{4rirrg u,erc ail o{ lh, gante drtl, grol netal. \Jgy fice.A g'r bacvs*zge a{tq !:-th^r, }y i,t11o ;;' i,,. *,*!:, nrh, guilarplat'1rc --rfu one pl.o sknds 0n n; ,e#! 09ki' rne back,, T+ wo.hrtuou^{ nneot l' g"t v;d5, don'+ h1 ahis qr a fr;tt hahan Show! c#,iu:...

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lninYs 5o. furg boh clse eqs " tphrnt Ik +r.tt is A band I'L W bDJ_{"tle(E couefrng th! B"ot?,\yt {"r?" 'fhe bond wan{.cl A +" hon3around lovr4eQ brf A wanj., l . )o' go

^h5 ne llt liVL 4n achlra|.,, It^ fi .*,ent l, utnp with ringiry ears.

"Fax r r ( con t i nued f rom page l - )

consumer greed cont inues and our acquis i t ional propensi t ies magni fy , w€become more in terested in the c lon ing of our own psyches rather than in thecreat ion of new or d i f ferent l i fe . The more copies we make of our owndocuments, our own ar t , our own images, the more of us that ex is t . Andsince our generat ion measures success by bulk copies d is t r ibuted, we becomemore success fu l !By cross-breeding copying wi th communicat ion t ransmiss ion, the fax machj -neal lows us the i l lus ive f reedom to ' rbeam ourselves aboard" any locat j -on wi tha phone jack. Never mind that that i t a lso permi ts document wi re- tapping,the impor tant qual i ty is that more of us ex is t and these c lones can t ravelanlrurhere.Indeed, unbeknownst to the bulk of bra inwashed conned-sumers, the current"baby-boomtr is noth ing more than an extension of the incurable copy-maddement ia that has swept through the Western hemisphere dur ing the pastdecade. We no longer create new 1 j - fe any more than we create new ar t ornew music . We s imply reproduce what has ex is ted. This subt le menta ld i f ferent ia l has permi t ted us to open the brave new wor ld of technologica lrep roduc t i on so tha t we v iew the sc ien t i f i c , t es t - t ube o r mach ine -1 i ke"creat ion" of l i fe wi th the same emot ional detachment as a Canon copiers e r v i c e c a l 1 .Unable to per fect e ternal l1 fe, w€ surround ourselves wi th copi -es that wi l lsurv ive our demise e i ther two-d imensional xeroghraphic facs imj- les orth ree -d imens j -ona I i ssue . So don ' t sk imp th i s yea r when i t comes t ime tothanking your maternal reproducer , just fax MOM a n j -ce graphic reproduct ionof some computer peonies and le t her know that her of fspr ing cares enough tou t i l i ze the ve ry bes t t echno logy .

Ru*tHOT & HAPPENfNGi-.. _- lO RecsaaiNht--[In:ffi{$rIr-L[ s he ' sn(if Rl.k Astle

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what Mth product tioUti+q *.oqrrt?A blade [ess' Oeu o - esq,vte- ,.,ii -ar^tomalrc- line - {ee!;\"*runmef'.4,ral ripS +he top o{f {our hw^."I{ +hrhe fgnsJ o#c,nd lhce,pluak ,t o"f ar',d cosf * {rot-riltee.^ hotthew 5:)

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Trims hard to reachplaces fast!

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AaRneponr

tvREPORT

t q r 6 .IFTEN rlv ERRoR - NErER rn ooufir' ay. 2> il) s{ cPr q4/2PO

'go SURNEY sAYslThe older our readers get, the more they look l ike a lot of things, buts h e e s h , " A r t h u r F i e d l e r " a n d " d e a t h " ? ( Y i k e s . - e d . ) R i c k J o h n s o n( t h a t r s R e e k t o y o u . - e d . ) s a y s h e l o o k s l i k e " a g r o s s o f 1 6 o z . D i e tP e p s i b o t t l e s i n a s l e e p i n g b a g . " ( G o f i g u r e . - e d . ) T h e o l d e rG l e n n O r B r i e n g e t s , t h e m o r e h e l o o k s l i k e " G o d . " ( W e l l t - e d . ) A n d o u rsympath ies to Mark B ingham ( tha t ' s Mac Bagham to yo I lEd . ) who looksl i ke nan o ld fa t p iece o f f i sh . " Maybe those same s) rmpath ies shou ld beex tended (ooooh. -ed . ) to the New York C i ty reader who answered "a she l lo f my fo rmer se l f . " And one o f our Berke ley readers i s s ta r t ing to lookm o r e l i k e " a P o n t i a c . " ( C a n I g e t a r i d e h o m e ? - e d . )

People laughed vhen I bought i t , but I st i l l love my "Marcia Brady dolI"says Bob Fa l fa in V i rg in ia . And Bruce Anderson says "my g i r l f r iend" (p rob-ab ly pa id } i s t p r ice l -ed . ) An anon l rmous reader loves h is " fu r ry condom."And no mat te r how hard peop le a re laugh ing , one San Franc isco readers t i l - L I o v e s h i s " A & R R e p o r t s u b s c r i p t i o n . " ( V e r y f u n n y . - e d . ) A n d J o e IS c h a r t z e r i n E l k h a r t I n d i a n a j u s t l o v e s h i s " d i p p y b i r d . "

Joel 'g d;ppj bird+The thing about sex that st i l l bugs DaIe Sophieai s " t h e c h a f i n g . " ( A n d w e k n o w h o w p a i n f u l t h a t c a n b e . - e d . )Another anonymous reader i s bugged by " the smel l . " (Pew-eee l Isnr t there scr resor t o f p roduc t to take care o f tha t? -ed . ) E lana Nanapo l is answers" b e i n g n a k e d , " a n d T h e N e w R i c h S t i m s a y s i - t ' s " t h e p o t e n t i a l l i a b i l i t y "t h a t s t i l l b u g s h i m . ( D o n r t g e t m a d , t a k e r e m t o c o u r t . - e d . )

Accordi-ng to Steve Frushour in Bowling Green, Ohi-o, the rorld may behe l l , bu t a t l -eas t therers s t i l l " the pas t to dwe l l on . " And our favor i tec reepy-c rawler Ed F lowers says "Motorhead. " (Bang your head, Ed. -ed . )Ange l Corpus Chr is t j . seeks comfor t in th is he l l i sh wor ld w i th " reverb . "

F o r P a u l D o d d o f R o c h e s t e r , e v e n t h o t h e w o r l d i s h e l l , t h e r e ' s s t i l l" h e a v e n . " ( A w w w w . . . - e d . )

Peop le donr t th ink I rm sp i r i tua l bu t " tha t eggp lan t over there does" ,says J .R. Brody , and a Cu lver C i ty reader says "bu t there has to besome reason beh ind those 20 h i ts o f LSD in my f r idge . " (When am I6 i ' ing down? - ed . ) "But I l i ke a b low- job as we l l as the nex t guy" ,says Frances Densmore ( Is tha t sp i r i tua l o r what? -ed . ) And a readerf r o m M o o s e j a w , I n d i a n a s a y s " b u t , h e y , f g u e s s t n e y r r e r i g h t . " ( W e l l , y o ushou ld know, I guess . -ed . ) "But I am" says Peggy Fourn ie r .

Howard Thompson says capital punistrment is OK "for rappers." (Youmust be c razy . You move too fas t . Fac t i s I don ' t know where yourh a n d ' s b e e n 1 a s t . " - e d . ) " T h e i l l - m a n n e r e d " s h o u l d b e p u t t o d e a t hi f a San Franc isco reader had her way, and l i kewise fo r "shr imp, "

(Shr imp? -ed . ) accord ing to ye t another NYC reader .

G.O.B. o f Brook lyn te l l s us tha t one par t o f my body tha t rs go t tenb igger in the l -as t 12 months is "my aura . " (How b ig i s i t? -ed . )S tephen Greenf ie ld o f Minneapo l is says the par t o f hE body tha t ' sg o t t e n b i g g e r " i s m i s s i n g . " ( D i d j a l o o k b e h i n d t h e r e f r i g e r a t o r ? - e d . )A mid-western reader says "my feet. They seem to weigh more each t ime Ip u t t h e m o n t h e s c a l e . " ( Y o , B i g f o o t t - e d . ) -ougr-

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REPORT'2FTEN flv ERRoR - NEI/ER nt oou6r'

I canrt underatand rtry I never received "herpes", says Brian Walsh.( T h a n k s f o r s h a r i n g , B r i . - e d . ) " D i a p e r r a s h " , " a c o m p l e t e l y u n s e l f i s hb l o w - j o b " a n d " a t i c k e r t a p e s t r i p s e a r c h . " ( R e a d e r s , w e l o v e y a . - e d . )

A reader in Berke ley can ' t unders tand why he never rece ived "sa in t -hood" .

(Maybe you need to check your b rea th . Ha ha . -ed . ) Kev in Teare o f NYCsays he never go t " the l i v ing l i fe owes me. " (What k ind o f a man areyou? What do you rrtanna do with your l i fe? -ed. ) And a reader fromway the he l ] over in Greece is s t i l ' J - wa i t ing fo r her "un iversa l - acc la im. "

Kim Torgerson of Las Vegas says the most imltortant rule of hygiene is"dont t shave legs too fas t " wh i le a Phoen ix reader says "never ea tany th ing w i th legs . " (You two shou ld aud i t ion fo r The Matchmaker . -ed . )

Xerwin Tiara of Indianapolis says "always make sure you have enoughp a p e r s d o w n . " ( B a r f m e o u t t t t - e d . ) A n d a g a i n f r o m R i c k ( Y a k n o w r e m

y a - l o v e ' e m ) J o h n s o n " K e e p y o u r c h u t e l o c k e d t ' ( A h f e r c r y s a k e , R i c k . - e d . )

A n d f r o m S a n F r a n c i s c o ( w h e r e e l s e ? - e d . ) " C l e a n t h e t u r k e y b a s t e r . "From one o f our more gent le readers , a t ip to "use a w i re sc rub-brush. "

Of all the children of atars, the ones our readers rould like to 'date'

a r e : R o b e r t D o w n e y , J r . ( m e t o o . - e d . ) , L i s a M a r i e P r e s l e y ( H o w a r d

T h o m p s o n , y o u a r e I s i c k i n d i v i d u a l . - e d . ) , T a w n e e W e l c h ( H e y , w h a t r sw r o n g w i t h m o m ? - e d . ) , H u n t i n g t o n H a r t f o r d r s t e e n a g e n y m p h e t t e ,Isabe l la Rosse l l in i , and f ina l l y , one reader wanted to s t rap on , e r ,e x c u s e m e , I m e a n d a t e , n o t j u s t f r a n f S i n a t r a , J t . , b u t a l s o ( y e a h ,

b u t i n w h a t o r d e r ? - e d . ) T e n e s s e e E r n i e F o r d , J r . , M i c h a e l D o u g l a s ,and Rober t de N i ro .

Here are some substances our readers could never drink out of a coffee cup:Y o o - H o o , d i r t , y o g u r t , a n d ( Y o u t e l l m e . - e d ) , " m y s e l f . "

One reason Itm glad I gave up drugs/alcohol is "they seem brand newaga inn , says Perc iva l E f fe t . PW of Orange County i s g lad because"I general ly know where my car is parked now." Ronnie Si lverman saysi t t i because " I on ly l i ke vomi t ing a t home. " Severa l o f you answereds o m e t h i n g l i k e " h u h ? " , o r " c o u l d y o u , I i k e r e p e a t t h e q u e s t i o n " , a n d ." I canr t remember . " For our readers who are cur ren t ly rece iv ing the i rA&R Repor t a t the Bet ty Ford Center , &E9 s top ask ing us to send you" a l i t t l e s o m e t h i n g . " O K ?

And now, the last question, I used to l ike to - after vork.Now, I just like to -_. Welt, the e-dT6E-have determi.nedthat one answer from-6iE?6E6ff i6Eld be printed in these survey results,

and IEEE one ansr,ver c6i6s from THEE west coast sex-symbol maniac, thatrs

r i g h t , i t r s E D D Y F L O W E R S T ! t " I u s e d t o l i k e t o g e t d r u n k a f t e r w o r k .t to t { , f jus t l i ke to smoke po t and masturba te . " (Use condoms, Eddy, jus t

t o p l a y i t s a f e . H a H a t t - e d . )

Gee, we r,vere sorry not to hear from George Davis, who always sends insuch funny answers , and Tony de Toro , and who e lse? Uh, Thor Chr is tensen,and Don c iccone (was one o f those anonymous 1ou, Don? -ed ' ) Bu t to ourreaders who did part icipate in tni$EirFslrvey: WHATTA WE GOT FOR rEM,

BILL? t T t