1 0 L I E S W E B E L I E V E A B O U T M A R R I A G E

BY ANEL CONRADIE

DECEPTIVE TRUTH

CONTENTS

• Foreword

• Lies about marriage

• What makes it work?

• Acknowledgements

• About the author

Foreword

Marriage has to be based on some very specific ideas in order to be fun, entertaining and everlasting. What society has labelled as a healthy marriage has a multitude of components to it, which we all seem to fail at…

Were we doomed to fail from the start, or is there something terribly amiss in our understanding of what makes a marriage work?

Let’s take a look…

10 Lies we believe about marriage

1. SEX

According to popular belief, it is evident that, in order to have a healthy marriage, you have to have copious amounts of sex.

All the time…

The only way your marriage will retain its health status, is if you offer sex to your husband, every day…

Amazing sex = amazing marriage

Key truth: Marriage is not just about sex. It is an important part, but intimacy is so much deeper than that. Take time to just be with your significant other.

2. “The One”

You have to find “the perfect” person to marry. If you are unhappy, you are not with the right person.

If you are with the right person, they will complete you. You will be fulfilled and happy.

Even within the Christian community, if the Lord shows you that this specific person is your match, everything will just work out perfectly.

Everything will work out perfectly if you are with the right person. You will not have to “work” on your marriage.

Key truth: There is no such thing as “the one”. The one you choose is “the one”. Your husband cannot fulfil you. If you are not content and happy with yourself, when you are single, you will not be content when you are married. Marriage is hard work. Even if you have the most amazing husband, things won’t just “work out”. You have to work through issues and differences to create a healthy marriage.

3. Marriage is easy

Marriage is not about compromise.

You and your partner both get everything you want out of it.

If you have a healthy marriage, you will never argue or differ from your partner.

Key truth: Differing from your husband does not mean that your marriage is not working – it just means you are a different person. Marriage is not about compromise, but rather about mutual submission.

4. Always happy

In a healthy marriage it’s always “happily ever after”.

You should be happy (and content) all the time. If not…

your marriage is doomed to fail…

A healthy marriage does not require working through tough times. Because, if you are with the right person, they will just “get” you.

The key truth: If you learn to communicate effectively, fights and disagreements can bring you closer together. It allows you to understand your husband better.

5. Children

The next step after getting married, is having children. This is a sign that your marriage is healthy.

Raising your children should be your first priority in marriage – not your marriage itself.

You should do everything for your children – even if it means your marriage could suffer….

There can always be another romantic partner, but your child is the most important part of you.

Key truth: You cannot raise your children successfully if your marriage is not successful. The only way this will happen is when you put your marriage first – always. There is a Godly hierarchy and order within marriage, and this should be modelled to our children. A properly ordered marriage provides a sense of safety and security to every child; an unspoken feeling of love and acceptance when the child sees and knows that there is love and acceptance between his parents.

6. Time

There are two lies we believe here:

6.1 You should spend ALL your time together.

If you are in a healthy relationship you would want to spend all your spare time (after working hours) with your husband.

6.2 Retain your individuality

You are your own person, and therefore should have A LOT of alone time.

You should pay most attention to your own interests and spend time on that.

Remain your own person and do not be influenced by your husband’s interests – it will cause you to change, and then you will not have a “happily ever after”

Key truth: Find and maintain the balance between these two extremes. You have to keep a measure of individuality, but also have to grow in unity with your husband – which only happens when you spend quality time together.

7. Boring routine

Marriage is all about routine – it is not as exciting as single dating…so think carefully before you get married.

There is a short “honeymoon phase” and then it plateaus. This is normal and healthy after you have been married for a few years.

Key truth: Marriage does not become a boring routine, but rather creates a deep knowledge of belonging and security.

8. Compatibility

The only way that you will ever truly know if you are compatible with another person, is if you live together before you get married.

It’s easier to get out of the relationship this way, before you have made any serious commitments.

“If you are not compatible, you might have married the wrong person.”

Key truth: Living together does help you to get to know the other person in his more natural environment, BUT if you do move in together, that’s already the sign of commitment… If you realise it doesn’t work out and leave, you are left with A LOT of emotional pain and damage that was not intended to be so between the unity of a man and a woman. Society doesn’t prepare you for the emotional scars you will be left with when they advocate living together before marriage…

9. Joined income

A healthy marriage is related to the joined income you make as a couple.

If you are not financially successful, it could be a sign that your marriage is also not successful.

Material things will make up for what you lack within your marriage.

Key truth: Material things can never substitute true love. It cannot provide a true sense of security or belonging. No matter how much money you have as a couple, if you are not happy with each other (just the way you are, stripped from all status and wealth) you will always look for something else to fill that void…that need for true acceptance.

10. Opt-out

If it doesn’t work out, get out.

There’s no need to feel trapped. If your marriage is not healthy… get a divorce – it’s easy.

Key truth: It might seem easy to just get a divorce, but very few people speak about the physical, emotional and spiritual trauma they have to deal with when they decide to “call it a day”. There really are only 2 conditions which validate divorce: • When either of you are unfaithful

to the other. • Abuse.

What makes it work?

1. Communication

Be honest and clear about what you feel and mean.

Make sure that you listen carefully before you respond!

Talk about everything and share your heart. Make room for each others’ differences, while always remaining true to your value system and vision.

Talk about what is on your heart – your husband should not have to guess what you are thinking or feeling.

Talk in your husband’s love language!

2. Laughter

Find time to laugh together.

“Laughter is so important, because it reminds me that before I loved him, I liked him – and there was a reason for that!”

“It helps to laugh at each other and with each other.”

3. Forgiveness

Marriage helps to sanctify us, to be more like Christ. And this can only happen through learning how to truly forgive, have grace and mercy. If our husbands were perfect, we would not learn any of those things…

- Adapted from John Piper

Forgive and forget. A healthy marriage cannot be built on a root of bitterness or resentment.

4. Mutual submission

There are no longer clear, specific roles which only husbands or only wives should fulfil.

“We do what has to be done and help each other around the house.”

Have respect for each other. Learn when your husband needs some alone time, and grant it to him.

“Generally speaking society has twisted what the Bible teaches about submission. Wives are not a ‘lesser’ party to their husbands, but rather men should learn to love their wives into submission.”

To conclude…

Love your neighbour as yourself…Your husband is your closest neighbour, and if we can learn to truly love our husbands (and not fall into the deceptive truth society tries to convince us of) I believe that we will be part of creating a healthier society.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

• I would like to take this opportunity to thank friends and acquaintances who shared their truthful and personal insights in this regard.

• Thank you for taking time to complete a lengthy survey, and with being so honest in your response.

• This project would not have been possible without your insight.

SUGGESTED ARTICLES

• For more details on some of the points discussed here, visit my blog: www.remarkablewives.com

• There are so many articles and books you can read about marriage, but I do want to point out just a few, which have meant so much to me.

• I recommend the following books:

• Love and War by John and Staci Elridge

• Sacred marriage by Gary Thomas

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

• Anel is a freelance writer, editor and proof-reader. She is an Alumna of the University of Stellenbosch, in Cape Town.

• Anel has been married for 7 years and has one daughter. The journey of being a wife and a mother has inspired her to write about, and share, her own experiences.

• Connect with her via: • E-mail

• Instagram

• Read more @:

• www.remarkablewives.com

• “I love to write about the complexity of our humanity and that which forms our very core identity.”