marriage hr

8/14/2019 Marriage HR

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Making Marriage Work

Jane Freeman, LISW

Akron, Ohio

March, 2009


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Why bother?

Unhappy marriage increases chances of getting

sick by 35% and shortens life 4 years

Happily married live longer, healthier lives thaneither divorced people or the unhappily married

Unhappily marriage experience chronic, diffuse

physiological arousal=hypertension, coronary

artery disease, anxiety, depression, suicide,

violence, substance abuse.


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Myths about Marriage

Communication and conflict resolution

skills save marriages

best studies indicate improvement in only 35%of cases and only18% retain benefits long term

successful conflict resolution isnt what makes

marriages succeed; good will and respect do Neuroses or personality problems ruin

marriages


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More Myths

Common interests keep you together

it all depends on how you interact when

pursuing them

Quid pro quo helps marriages

happy spouses do not keep a running tab; they

do chores because they generally feel positiveabout their spouse


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Still more myths

Conflict (or conflict avoidance) ruins

marriage

conflict style is not relevant as long as it worksfor both people

Affairs are the root cause of divorce

less than 1/4 of time are affairs even partially toblame. Not feeling loved and appreciated is the

real culprit


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and still more

Men are not biologically built for

marriage

recent studies support that extramarital affairsof young women slightly exceeds those of men

Men and women are from different planets

the determining factor in whether spouses feelsatisfied with sex, romance and passion is (by

70%) the quality of thefriendship


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What doesnt work

Harsh startup-96% of time can predict outcomeof a conversation based on thefirst 3 minutes.

The Four Horsemen of the ApocalypseCriticism vs. complaint

Contempt (eg. sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling,

eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor)Defensiveness vs. accepting responsibility

Stonewalling


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What else doesnt work

Flooding-spouses negativity is so overwhelmingthat feel shell-shocked, and hyper-vigilant to

cues that spouse is about to blow again Body language-heart rate, hormonal changes,

blood pressure, at which point ability to process

information is reduced and creative problem

solving is severely impaired. Biological fact: Men

are more physiologically overwhelmed by marital

conflict


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What else doesnt work Failed repair attempts

Bad memories-re-writing history from a negativeperspective

The death knellsee marital problems as severe

talking things over seems useless. Try to solve

problems on own

start leading parallel lives

loneliness sets in


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Sowhat does work?

In happy marriages spouses still had

significant differences in temperament,

interests and family values, conflict over $,jobs, kids, chores, sex and in-laws

Happy marriages are based on deep

friendship and are all alike in 7 ways


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7 principles of making marriage

work Enhance your love maps

nurture your fondness and admiration

turn towardeach other, instead of away

let your partner influence you

solve your solvable problems overcome gridlock

create shared meaning


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1. Enhancing love maps

Emotionally intelligent couples:

remember major events in each others history

keep updating their information as the facts and

feelings of spouses world change

work to develop greater personal insight and

share it


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2. Nurture fondness and

admiration Maintain an idealized image of your partner

Maintain the belief that ones spouse is worthy of

honor and respect Fan the flames by expressions of appreciation


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3. Turn toward each other

Make deposits in the emotional bank

account

Sayyes! to your partners invitations moreoften than not


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The stress-reducing conversation,

(when not the target) Take turns complaining

dont give unsolicited advice

show genuine interest

communicate your understanding

take your spouses side (we against them) express affection physically

validate emotions


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4. let your partner influence youDuring conflict wives rarely responded to husbands by

increasing negativity; instead tried to tone it down or

match it.

65 % of men escalated wives negativityYoure not listening to me met with

Ignoring (stonewall), be defensive (Yes I am!),

be critical (what you say never makes sense) or be

contemptuous (why waste my time?)

Choose Us over Me


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The 2 kinds of marital conflict

Perpetual: 69%. One doesnthave to

resolve major marital conflicts for marriage

to thrive, rather learn to cope, accept theinevitability of difference, develop

strategies to deal with them. Otherwise,

leads to Gridlock solvable: 5 steps to follow


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Signs of gridlock Conflict makes you feel rejected

talking makes no headway

positions become entrenched, no humor

unbudgeable leads to vilification leads to

polarization leads to emotional disengagement

Unrequited (unrealized) dreams are the core of

gridlocked conflict


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5. Key to solvable problems

Soften your startup

effective use of repair attempts

monitor physiology to warn against

flooding (soothe self and other)

compromise

tolerate each others faults


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6. Overcome gridlock

Become a Dream Detective-whats really theunderlying issue

Work on a Gridlocked Marital issue-understandwhat this issue means to your spouse

Sooth each other-guard against flooding

End the gridlock-temporary compromise,acceptance of differences

Say thank You-tell spouse what you appreciate


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7. Create Shared Meaning

Family rituals

Roles

Personal goals

Shared symbols

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