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ADOPTION-SHARE.COM

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A word from our founderBy Anthea Ramirez, Chief Sharer

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Those of us within the adoption community are familiar with the saying, “adoption is a sacrificial act of love.” It is a statement commonly ascribed to the brave birth families who put their child’s welfare ahead of their own by making an adoption plan. Yet just exactly how sacrificial this act of love actually is remains to be openly discussed, identified, and defined. Perhaps this is due to the stark dichotomy of emotions involved within an adoption plan; a birth family's sorrow and the joy of the adoptive parents. Its just so much easier to focus on the positives. Sorrow and grief are hard to talk about.  We struggle to find the words to bring comfort to those who are hurting.  We are often left feeling inadequate.  So it comes as no surprise that often, society as a whole finds it easier to breeze past sorrow and move onto the joy; the overwhelming joy that adoptive parents experience when holding their son or daughter for the first time. But this joy did come at a cost, one that the words “sacrificial and love” don’t come close to defining.   At Adoption-Share, we have been wrestling with trying to understand and bring awareness to the very real grief and loss a birth family goes through when they place their child for adoption.  And the loss incurred through an adoption plan is very different then a loss of a loved one who has died.  When someone dies, there is typically a community that’s support is manifested through the acknowledgement of the lost life. When a woman places her

child for adoption, it is very likely few will know. This makes the grief that ensues one

of an internal nature. According to a study conducted by the Evan B.  Donaldson Adoption Institutesome of the factors that intensify a birth families feelings of grief and loss include: choosing a closed adoption, losing contact with the adoptive parents of their child, and feeling coerced or pressured.  On the contrary, factors that promote a positive outcome for women that

have placed their child for adoption include: having a relationship with the adoptive parents, receiving updates on her child as he or she develops, and receiving extensive counseling before and after placement.   While it is true adoption causes grief and loss for women who make this choice for their child, let's be careful to also acknowledge and respect women who are proud of the adoption plans they made, and or have positive feelings toward their adoption plan. Each person who chooses to place their child for adoption is unique just as their experience, feelings and attitudes will be about their adoption plan. We want to dedicate this issue to birth mothers and birth families.  We want to encourage adoptive parents to tune in on this issue and become more understanding and empathic towards the birth families that make adoption plans. For those who have made adoption plans, we want to acknowledge your loss, thank you for choosing life for your son or daughter and offer hope to those struggling to find peace. 

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1. Each of us is an individual who is placing for our own reasons, yet we do share some similar issues and emotions.2. We have never done this before (usually) and are surprised to find ourselves in this position.3. Please treat us with dignity, respect and honesty. We appreciate your compassion and interest in us, not just the babies we are carrying.4. When we make a direct call or email a prospective adoptive parent, we are taking a really big step and feel quite anxious. We would like some time to get to know you before we are instructed to call an attorney or agency. This would feel more personal.5. Sometimes pre-adoptive parents and adoption professionals are impersonal or say things that make us feel uncomfortable in other ways.6. Adoption is not just a legal transaction; it is an emotional process and a life-altering choice. Once we have decided to make an adoption plan, we need guidance and preparation for the process, including the smaller decisions that are involved as well as attention to our emotions.7. We may need help in communicating about our adoption placement plans to our families or to our partners.

8. We need someone at the hospital to help us with the emotions we will be feeling. The fact is that being pregnant and having the baby are two very different things. Plus we will be dealing with our own feelings and at the same time trying to relate to the adoptive parents and their reactions. This is not about us changing our minds. This is about our needs and uncertainty about handling this complex, emotionally challenging life situation. Support and planning are imperative.call or letter to the birth parent, etc. are amongst the many aspects to think through.9. Relationships with prospective adoptive parents can be very confusing. I need some guidance about the boundaries for communication, during and after the placement.10. What exactly is open adoption? What should I ask for and what can I expect? How do I know what I will want in the future? What is really in the best interests of the child? How do we deal with this over time? We never had a relationship like this and want what is best for the child.

The 10 Top Things Birth Mothers Wish Adoptive Parents KnewJoni S. Mantell LCSW

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Continued on page 3For the full article, click here. Used with permission.

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The 10 Top Things Birth Mothers Wish Adoptive Parents Knew

Used with permission

Joni S. Mantell, LCSW, CSW, Director of IAC Center is a Psychotherapist and a recognized authority on the psychological and social aspects of infertility and adoption. She has a Masters in Social Work from The University of Pennsylvania and completed a 4-year Certification Program in Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy at the Post-Graduate Center for Mental Health in NYC. She is particularly known for her expertise in helping people to transition from infertility to adoption; and for her capacities to integrate and to differentiate adoption, child development and other psychological issues in her understanding of each individual and family situation.She founded the IAC Center in 2002 because she felt that people needed a place to have a safe and professionally guided discussions about infertility and adoption at multiple points in the life cycle.The IAC Center offers counseling, support groups and psych-educational workshops for families and for professionals. Joni Mantell, LCSW is also a frequent writer, consultant, trainer and speaker; and enjoys doing original research on infertility and adoption topics. The unique combination of her psychological training, extensive clinical work with infertility patients and all members of the adoption triad; academic and research based experiences gives her particular insight into the mindset of people whose lives are touched by infertility and adoption. To see the article published in its original format by Mom At Last with Joni’s remarks throughout, please click here.

Created by two birthmothers, Nicole “Coley” Strickland and LeiLani Wood, BirthMom Buds is a website and not for profit organization that provides support to birthmothers and pregnant women considering adoption through their many programs including the buddy system which pairs birthmothers with another birthmother, the pregnant and placing program for expectant mothers considering making an adoption plan, birthmothers only support forums and chat room, and an annual birthmothers retreat.

For more information about BirthMom Buds, please visit www.birthmombuds.com, email birthmombuds@gmail.com, or call 1-855-4mybbud.

Resource for Birthmothers

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3 February Facebook Chat Recap!Tracy Riley, founder and executive director of The Adoption Authority, a licensed adoption agency in Florida and Georgia spent time with us this past month answering questions about what adoptive parents can expect after being matched. Questions ranged from "what do expectant parents expect from adoptive parents" to case specific, "how can I support our birthmother and show her we care for her?" For more information or to see the chat feed for yourself click here.

A Birth Mother’s Story: The Mask of PerfectionUsed by permission from Tapestry Ministries

“.....I have a little recovery thing that says, “We can accept love from others when we get rid of the mask of perfection we hide behind and forgive ourselves for being human.”  These last two years I have become aware of how heavy my mask of perfection is.  I’ve worn it for the past 25 years.  I’ve been a member of this church for over 20 years.  I know and am known by many of you to the extent that we have allowed each other to be known. But, God has been doing a great healing in my body, my mind and my spirit, and the mask no longer serves me and I no longer need it.  I finally forgive myself for being human, for making costly consequential mistakes and poor choices.  But I now know that I am not a mistake.  Twenty–five years ago this October I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl.  I wasn’t married and my college boyfriend abandoned the relationship when I wouldn’t have an abortion.  I contemplated suicide as a way out of the pain, but I didn’t attempt it because of my understanding of God and who He is.  I had no support system that would allow me to keep my baby, so I chose to place her for adoption. For a fleeting moment on a New Year’s Eve, I chose to go against my value system and the cost has hurt me for years and years.  Only my parents, brother, sisters and later my husband, knew this secret.  I had learned the “no talk” rule earlier in my life and continued to practice it to keep from feeling the loss. Two years ago a wonderful counselor said, “Grace Ann, we are only as sick as the secrets we keep.”  So after much prayer, I decided to share this information with my two other children, believing that they had a right to know the real me, their family history and that they had a half-sister somewhere.  This was scary because I always wanted to be this “super mom” and to be perfect in their eyes.  But my fears were unfounded, because it only brought us closer.  It made me more real to them and not so perfect, which allowed them to be perfectly imperfect. Continued on page 6

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With their blessing and that of the most wonderful man in the world, my husband, this past March I registered with the National Birthmothers Registry.  It is a registry that lets adoptees who are seeking contact with their birthmother and birthmothers who are mutually seeking to register.  Three months after I registered, the agency called to say that my daughter had also registered.  We have been writing letters to each other since June, sending pictures and taking our time getting to know each other and building trust.  We realize that this affects more people than just the two of us and we want to be real sensitive to them.  My daughter’s name is Cecilia Anne.  She goes by “Cece.”  She is precious, beautiful and wonderful.  She is a social worker at a children’s shelter.  (Why, I wasn’t surprised to hear that!) I am going to meet her soon, so I solicit your prayers for us and for our family. I am sharing this to praise God for closing a deep, empty hole in my heart.  He forgave me a long time ago, but I am just now forgiving myself.  I am His precious child and I am no longer wounded by paralyzing self-hate, “what if’s” and the need to hide behind a mask.  Dealing with all of this is restoring my relationship with my children that I had damaged due to me hovering over their lives and my thoughts that if I didn’t protect them that somehow they would also disappear.  It has restored a love for myself – for being real and honest. To close, I would like to read a letter that Cece wrote five years ago in her journal, never knowing that I’d ever see it or of its impact today:

Dear Birthmother,

I’m not really sure how to go about writing this letter.  It will be one of the hardest letters I have ever written and probably will ever write.  Then again, it will be one of the most meaningful ones I write. As I sit and contemplate my ideas, I find it difficult to decide where I should start.  I do hope that you considered me a beautiful baby.  In my heart, I have confidence that you did.  I will begin by letting you know that I was placed in a very good home.  I must express my gratitude to you for giving me life and not aborting me as many mothers choose to do.  For any reasons that you may have had for putting me up for adoption, I respect them and I assure you that whatever reasons you did have, I have had an excellent life with my adoptive parents.  My deepest thanks must be expressed to you though because you allowed me to live in this world.  For this I love you even though I don’t actually know you.

I am very content with my life, more now so that I have ever been.  God has blessed me graciously.  Rest assured that I have had a good life and have not been deprived in any way.  Once again, I want to express my appreciation and’ love to you for giving me my life. That is the greatest gift of all.

A Birth Mother’s Story: “The Mask of Perfection” Continued from page 5 Used by permission from Tapestry Ministries

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And finally, I’d like to share the words God gave to me to send to my daughter on this her first birthday that I have actually known her name.  I calligraphied it and put it in a little tiny accordion fold book and fussed over it as you can imagine and I’ll be mailing it to her Monday.

While I wasn’t watching, God had His Hand on you. With blind faith, I asked Him to do what I couldn’t do. He kept his promise faithfully and grew you kind and strong. He matched you with two other hearts longing to share a home. Never did I dare to dream, that we could someday reunite. But in His mercy and graciousness, this gift is now in sight.

Happy Birthday, Cecilia Anne” (Used with permission from Grace Ann.)

Some families are created in different ways but are still, in every way, a family.Writer and star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Nia Vardalos firmly believed she was supposed to be a mom, but Mother Nature and modern medicine had put her in a headlock. So she made a choice that shocked friends, family, and even herself: with only fourteen hours’ notice, she adopted a preschooler.

Instant Mom is Vardalos’s hilarious and poignant true chronicle of trying to become a mother while fielding nosy “frenemies” and Hollywood reporters asking, “Any baby news?” With her signature wit and candor, she describes her and husband Ian Gomez’s bumpy road to parenting, how they found their daughter, and what happened next. Vardalos includes a comprehensive how-to-adopt section and explores innovative ways to conquer the challenges all new moms face, from sleep to personal grooming. She learns that whether via biology, relationship, or adoption—motherhood comes in many forms.

In Instant Mom, Vardalos shares the terrifying joys of parenthood and for the first time reveals her stubborn optimism and perseverance on her trek to finally becoming a mom, instantly.

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90 DayDo you work in a pregnancy resource center or women’s health clinic? If your center is like many across the country that report women are not interested in exploring the adoption option, allow us to show you just how many women are taking the time to carefully evaluate this choice.

Starting April 1, 2013 we will embark on a 90 day challenge.

Your job should you choose to accept it is to simply present the adoption option to women who are faced with an unintended pregnancy along with her other options. We will be tracking the number of referrals that come from your office so be sure to write the name of your organization on the “Consider-It” Cards. Need more “Consider-It” Cards? Email us at info@adoption-share.com and we will send some to you right away!

Nia Vardalos is the Academy Award and Golden Globe nominated actress and writer of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. An alumnus of The Second City comedy theater, she also starred in and wrote Connie and Carla and I Hate Valentine’s Day, starred in My Life In Ruins, and co-wrote Larry Crowne with Tom Hanks. Born and raised in Canada, Vardalos now resides in Los Angeles with her husband, their daughter, and many pets and is currently working on balancing her acting and writing career with motherhood and adoption advocacy.

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Some families are created in different ways but are still, in every way, a family. (Continued from page 7)

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Check out the Adoption-Share video!For testimonies of how Adoption-Share is helping pregnancy centers,

adoptive families, agencies and birthparents, click HERE!

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