make more of a difference with the families you...
TRANSCRIPT
MAKE MORE OF A DIFFERENCE
WITH THE FAMILIES YOU SERVE!
PRESENTED BY:
POSITIVE FAMILY CONNECTIONS
BRENDA GARRETT, MEd CERTIFIED POSITIVE DISCIPLINE PARENT EDUCATOR
757-291-2514
So, you want to help?
Pre-workshop Questions…
1. What are the most common NEEDS/ISSUES of the
families you serve? (Identify no more than 4)
2. What are 1-2 Service Plan or Program Goals that
would address this need?
3. What are the greatest barriers to progress w/ the
families you serve?
4. Identify one strength and one weakness of yours
as it relates to human services work.
NEEDS/ ISSUES (My guesses)
Most common NEEDS/ISSUES
1. Parent/child conflict – child “out of control”
2. Poor parenting skills – overly permission/too
authoritarian (using fear/ punishment)
3. Chronic unmet basic needs – due mostly to poverty
4. Un/under-treated mental health, SA, etc.
5. Lack of positive/ supportive relationships
Service Plan Goals
2. Service Plans Goals may look like this…
1. Improve understanding of child development;
2. Link child &/or parent w/ anger management
3. Parenting Classes
4. Link w/ resources – DSS, food, Section VIII, etc.
5. CSB Referral for mental health/substance counseling
Goals of services – POSITIVE CHANGE/ Family Healing – DO YOU BELIEVE?
WHERE ARE WE NOW?
What are the family’s challenges?
What are our greatest concerns?
Children’s safety; emotional needs met
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
What changes/ quality of life do they want?
Keeping the family intact – and growing stronger
How will WE measure SUCCESS?
Describe your frustrations
Parents not understanding typical child
development or the impact their actions
have on the child’s ability to calm and
self-regulate
Stressful lives, finances, special needs.
Children/teens behaviors of disrespect,
violence, refusing to cooperate
[More coming in from pre-workshop
surveys]
Having the RIGHT TOOLS matters!
Crisis management - how does that feel?
When a parent “goes off” about what the child/ren
is/are doing now…how do you handle that?
Have you ever taken a PARENTING EDUCATION
course?
Do you personally understand the benefits of
“positive parenting”? Do you believe it is OK to
rule by fear and intimidation?
What are the potential results of PUNISHMENT?
Strengthening PARENTING SKILLS – help parents better
understand the emotional needs of their children, and
achieve their parenting goals in positive ways!
Helps meet the parents/children overall needs, while
reducing risks of abuse and increasing positive life
experiences!
What will help families the most?
What do families really need?
LOVE! Closeness,
acceptance, patience
Belief in their own power
to make things better
Open communication
Trust
No fear of punishment,
shame or blame
Supports (healthy ones)
Positive Discipline basics:
Belonging -
unconditional love
Significance – sense of
personal value,
usefulness, uniqueness
honored
See mistakes as
opportunities to learn
Punishment disconnects
Why Positive Discipline?
Personal history working w/ families
What I was good at…
What I feel I failed at/struggled with…
Rediscovering Positive Discipline and sharing it with
families.
"Hold on – I want to write this down?”
“This was very good advice!”
Can you email me this?!
Two Basic Emotional Needs…
According to Alfred Adler, Children AND Adults need…
To CONNECT with others – trusted relationship/s – having this w/ a parent is essential in developing any kind of sense of self worth, happiness
Understand the potential outcomes of feeling disconnected? Alone, untrusting, self doubt, give up, resentment, anger
Sense of AUTONOMY – the ability to direct your own life…not to be under the control of someone else
Children at least need to be heard, responded to, have choices; understand WHY they cannot do/have some things they want.
Trying to control or direct someone else invites a POWER STRUGGLE – and everyone loses!
Learn to INFLUENCE rather than CONTROL.
What Parents Say…
“Great class, highly recommended for all parents. I have gotten to see things from my daughter’s
point of view. I am using what I have learned and having very positive responses from my
daughter.” Father of an 8 year daughter, recently awarded custody from mother.
“Great job. Information well taught. I use what I learned in the class and it has helped out my
family bunches. I couldn’t do this without the teacher.” Father of a 6 year old son (recently assumed
custody) and a toddler.
“This is a very well structured class….Learning to hear your child’s emotions and mot fix the problems
for them and allowing your child to come up with their own ideas on how resolve their issues is a
great way to parent your children. This style worked for me and my son….An outstanding instructor
with great advise and style of teaching.” Father of a 6 year old son; military.
“I have learned a lot. Brenda is great. I will tell others about the class and benefits.” Mother of an
8 year old daughter; in custody dispute.
“I’m raising my grandchildren and daughter’s children. I used to fly into a rage when something was
wrong. Now that I have learned to ask my children questions, and listen to them…the whole
household has changed. There’s peace in my home. My grandson said to me the other
day…”Grandma, I love you…you’re the best grandma ever.” It made me feel so good! “Mom” age
68, raising 6 kinship children
What Professionals Say…
Will this Positive Discipline training change the way you work w/ families?
“Definitely, It has influenced my own person belief system that effects my
practice”
“Yes, helping parents see that you don’t have to be a dictator ruling with
feat…will help parents discipline without punishing.
“Yes, empowering through education and involving families in the entire
process.”
“I have learned the value of reconnecting and maintaining or nurturing the
connection between family members.”
“How to focus on positive solutions and ways for de-escalating issues.”
OTHER COMMENTS: “Great job” “Great learning tool!”
“Very valuable information for personal and professional growth.”
What are the GOALS of Parenting?
Raise children who are…
Independent, can earn a living
High Self esteem - confident
Good decision makers – knows right from wrong
Productive, hard working – not lazy!
Honest, trustworthy; not end up in jail
Respectful of others
Have healthy relationships; find someone who loves them
Values education
Happy – fulfilled
Describe a “bad” boss
Controlling
Know it all
Never gives you any praise
Points out what you do wrong – over and over!
Works you to death
Acts like they’re better than you
Treats you like you’re stupid
Micro-manages
Doesn’t do their part
Shows favoritism
Assumption…
We cannot truly help/improve a child’s situation at
home without positively impacting the parent/s
skills, behaviors/ ways of relating to their children.
Encourage parents…
Willingness to try something new
Interest in better understanding their child’s needs
Develop parenting skills that foster cooperation; learn
discipline that is both kind AND firm. Parents need to be the
“authority” without being “authoritarian.”
Seek positive INFLUENCE vs. CONTROL!
What do Parents Need from You?
Exercise – list the names of 3-4 parents you are
currently working with.
On a 1-10 scale – 10 being the strongest – rate how
“connected” you are w/ each parent.
What does it mean to be connected?
Positive Discipline description
What does your “gut” tell you?
Adler: We move from minus to plus
Children always deciding “How do I count/ matter?” How can I
CONNECT? AND have a sense of POWER?
“Help me feel loved and useful!”
Is a child you’re working with dealing w/ feelings of
REJECTION? “Am I a burden/bother for my mother/ father/
teacher?”
Healing needs to occur = CONNECTION
Separate the child from the mis-behavior!
Help parents see that they can’t let anger/ frustration interfere
w/ their connection w/ the child
Let the SUN shine EVERYWHERE!
Let the healing begin – CONNECT!
CONNECT w/ the parent - Understand their hurt, history –
Ask about it!
Part of trauma informed services
What do they need (emotionally)?
How were they parented?
Understand the strength of the parent/child relationship. Is there an “identified” client
Help the parent better
CONNECT with each
child. “Fill his/her cup”
Individual time
Listen to each child –
ask what are their
hopes and dreams!
Family time – story
telling—family history,
fun activities.
What message are you sending?
“Mrs. Difficult’s” phone
# comes up. How do
you feel/ sound when
you answer?
Are you able to listen,
reflect, honor her
feelings?
Do you have TOOLS to
use/ share?
Do you want her to call
you again with a need?
Can you call her –
before a need arises?
Can you feel
acceptance in your
heart…for the kids’
sake?
POSITIVE DISCIPLINE CONCEPTS
Children are always making decisions
about….
Who they are (good or bad, capable or not
capable).
What the world is like (safe or
threatening, friendly or unfriendly).
What they need to do to thrive or to survive.
Adults are doing the same things! What
messages are you sending?
Positive Discipline “nuggets”
Misbehaving children
are discouraged
children
Children want to
CONNECT above all
Connect before you
correct
See mistakes as
opportunities to learn
Understand the
potential results of
punishment
Children “do better
when they feel better”
Invite COOPERATION!
Be an ASKING vs. a
TELLING parent
PD CONCEPTS (con’t)
Belonging and Significance
Mutual Respect
Kind AND Firm at the same time
Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order
for children to DO better, first we have to make
them FEEL worse?
Children…PEOPLE…do better when they feel
better!
Invite COOPERATION!
Connecting w/ the PARENT/S
Asking vs. Telling
Listening vs. explaining
Asking questions that spark thinking/growth
If we could work on 1 thing that would make things better, what would
that be?
What do you think are some potential solutions?
What do you think your children would say would be helpful?
If I could share some parenting tools rather than punishment, would you
be willing to try them?
Talk about punishment
Why do we turn to this?
Personal history
Anger
Think it’s the “right” thing to do.
How do you FEEL after being punished?
About yourself?
About the punisher?
About the world?
4 R’s OF PUNISHMENT
Resentment
Rebellion
Revenge
Retreat (low self esteem, or
sneaky)
Suggestions for Family Sessions:
Prepare parent – focus on learning not blame.
Show LOVE – ask if parents can say this to their children.
Everyone is asked for input. Anyone too young – ask another child what they think the baby is thinking/feeling
Write notes/letters…
What I wish for/ love
about son/daughter…
What I love most about
my mom/ dad…
Thank you notes
Dream letters to
yourself… “One day, I
hope to…”
I want to see my children
…(to do great things, etc.)
My Greatest Hope…
Parents can learn a more effective, positive way to
discipline and raise their children – so as to avoid
all risks of abuse and outcomes of punishment…
To foster the child’s inner growth, happiness, realization
of their potential; ability to trust and feel loves!
Break the cycle of failed familial relationships – where
communication is weak, and children rebel from years
of attempted control and punishment.
DEAL w/ SPECIFIC ISSUES
Children won’t listen… Stop lecturing and model listening
Sibling Fights - 3 Bs, avoid choosing sides or comparing
Problem-solving – use the weekly or special Family Meetings, Peace Table
Back Talk…Don’t back talk back. Model respect
Decide what you Will Do – avoid power struggles
Homework issues - Empowering Self-Discipline vs Enabling
What else are your families dealing with?
Used to yelling to get point across
Stress in the family
Reacting quickly vs. planning / not reacting
Setting an example – not acting out of anger
Not permissive or too controlling
FAMILY MEETINGS – Held weekly!
Post a place/box for agenda items
Decide who will run the meeting – can change each week – not always the parent!
Anyone can suggest an Agenda Item/ problem
Compliments
Review last week’s item-what worked/didn’t
New item introduced
Everyone gets to say how
they feel/ are affected
Brainstorm potential
solutions
Decide on a solution to try
for the week
Must have buy-in
Family FUN activity –
dessert/ walk, etc.
BRAIN IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND
Arm is brain stem….heart rate, respiratory rate,
changes in body temperature
Thumb tucked in….emotions (fear, sadness, joy,
etc)
First knuckle/finger tips….prefrontal cortex (the
ONLY part of the brain that involves ‘thinking’)
WHAT I AM REALLY SAYING…
Undue Attention….Notice me, Involve Me Power….Let Me Help, Give Me Choices
Revenge…..Help Me, I’m Hurting
Assumed Inadequacy….Don’t Give Up On Me
MAKE SURE THE
MESSAGE OF LOVE
GETS THROUGH !!
POSITIVE DISCIPLINE IS…
A FRAMEWORK
not a…..
RECIPE
Next Steps…More training!
How can you and your team become PARENTING
COACHES?
Infuse Positive Discipline tools into every contact –
phone calls and home visits
Learn more and reinforce one another.
Identify an In-house PD Lead Trainer to continue skill
building
Provide consistent parenting education to each
family you serve!
Positive Family Connections
Can work w/ you and your team
Do you have a commitment to helping parents learn
POSITIVE tools for raising healthy, happy, fulfilled
children!
Do you believe in real change?
Can you support a team that sustains the training?
Do you recognize the potential return on your
investment…
Shorter, more successful service delivery! Happy kids!