maja sinclair -a guyanese jaguar soul

8/20/2019 Maja Sinclair -A Guyanese Jaguar Soul

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About the Author

The author, Scandinavia born Maja, abandoned at birth, is a

grandmother and mother of four. She has lived on fourcontinents, experienced immense wealth, dire poverty, hardships

and abuse yet ended up on the National Honor Society despitenear starvation. She volunteered during High school, remained

focused and created a better future for herself.


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Allow your instincts and intuition to guide you to be

who you truly are.


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M aj a Si ncl ai r

G U Y N E S E J G U R S O U L


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Copyright © Maja Sinclair (2015)

The right of Maja Sinclair to be identified as author of this workhas been asserted by him in accordance with section 77 and 78 of

the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may bereproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any

form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the

publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims

for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the BritishLibrary.

ISBN 978 1 78455 606 8 (Paperback)

ISBN 978 1 78455 608 2 (Hardback)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published (2015)

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd.25 Canada Square

Canary WharfLondon

E14 5LB

Printed and bound in Great Britain


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The Birthing and New beginnings

Waves of contractions wracked my mother ’s exhausted body.

Her skin was clammy and salty from profuse sweating and her

eyes moist from tears. She was depleted physically and

emotionally after 36 hours of hard labour. She instinctively

knew that this third and last pregnancy would push her over

the edge – into the abyss of anxiety that she had always

battled to keep under control. She did it, though – got

pregnant – because Peder wanted a son.

She felt herself losing a grip on reality as the pain seized

hold of her. Choppy thoughts filled her mind as she was

unwillingly being driven beyond her threshold.

My mother ’s mind screamed at her as she was about to

give up being in this world. – Peder doesn’t love me anyway,my body is distorted, two kids at home… Mamma vomited,

she loathed herself, – this is God’s punishment, she thought.

Her stomach, hard as a rock felt like it was burning and near

explosion. Self-hatred was paramount in the midst of

everything now – she didn’t even respond to the nurse tugging

at her, trying to reach her, seeing something was severely

wrong with her on a mental plane also. – I tried to kill this last baby – but it refuses to die! – the castor oil, the coat hanger,

blood seeped for weeks after that, drenching clothes. I am

scared! Help me… baby refused to die! I tried… Yet another


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contraction! The searing pain and anguish she felt compelled

such a heart-rending shrill inhuman cry that it sent shivers

through the spine of the nurse assisting her. She dropped the

bed pan she was holding and ran down the hallway for help.The rapid sound of her heels reverberating, echoing in the

empty, dimly lit corridor. – Now! Come now! She

commanded the on duty doctor frantically. – I can’t bear her

torment anymore and she is probably getting too weak to

push… Orders were shouted, two doctors and several nurses

rushed to my mother ’s bed. A mask was hurriedly slid over

her nose as she was sedated and made ready for a caesareansection.

Mamma’s lack of motherly instinct was irrefutably

distinguished when Pappa came to see his wife and new baby

at the hospital. He was fast approaching her room, cheerfully

and expectantly, carrying a bouquet and a box of chocolate.

He fired off a smile to a lady watering plants. He paused when

he got to Mamma’s door, clutched the flowers tightly andeased the door open gently, so as not to wake the baby should

it be sleeping. Pappa glanced at the empty cot questioningly.

Mamma caught his gaze and said – The nurse is doing the

feeding. I am sick. Pappa stroked her cheek and asked – what

is it? – A girl, a daughter, said mamma listlessly.

Pappa’s face turned pale.

He was so sure it was a boy! He could have gone through

hell for a son… his thoughts became muddled. He didn’t say

another word to Mamma. He chucked the bouquet and

chocolates he still held in his hand into the bin next to

Mamma’s bed. He uttered – Damn you! and slammed the

door. Mamma felt like a dog, shamed and hoped never to see

another human being again. She knew it would have come

down to this but it still hurt. She gave up caring and just let

herself slip deeper into a depression.

As was the norm back in the 60s, mother and child stayed

three days in hospital for observation after delivery. Pappa


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came to pick us up on the third day. I had had no physical

connection whatsoever with anyone other than the nurses who

fed and changed me. Mamma hardly ate or spoke. From what

I know I was immediately dropped off at my auntie’s housefor care. I was never really told any details about those early

days. Not even at mamma’s funeral gathering and dinner, 45

years after I was born. Everyone just kept her secret as good

as they could. Pappa worked more than full-time and was

overwhelmed by this new situation so all we kids were

“shipped out” until he could figure out what to do next. We

were split up amongst relatives. My older sisters, then 13 and2 were sent off to grandma and I stayed with 4 or 5 different

relatives, taking turns with me. I seriously don’t think that that

solution had any ill effects on me later in life. I was given lots

of love and attention by people who really tried to do the best

they could.


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New beginnings

Pappa had received his engineering degree shortly after I was

born. He was now officially a Consultant Engineer! He felt

life was slowly but surely coming together in a good way. A

few months after that he signed a contract with a building

company in Texas, USA. All our relatives were happy for us

since we had reunited as a family. We boarded the flight

destined for Texas on a bitter cold December morning. Our

spirits soared as the plane lifted. We were infused in happiness

and great expectations. A newly built spacious brick house

with a large garden awaited us upon arrival. My sisters and I

had our own bedrooms for the first time ever. The warm

climate, friendly people, new culture and way of life, as well

as free access to Pappa’s credit card gave Mamma a surge of

energy and the incentive to try to bond with her children and

create a close knit family situation.

My grandmother on my father ’s side came every few

months from Scandinavia to assist in rearing us kids. She

stayed a few weeks each time. She was a loving, hard-working

lady. She sewed us girls matching clothes, baked, read stories

and just loved us. Mamma took us to the mall daily. We ate,shopped and played there. Mamma actually bought clothing

for us almost every day. Clothes were cheap, so many times,

instead of washing them she just threw them away. Mamma’s


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newly found shopping interest was beginning to wear thin

with the entire family, after a few weeks. We kids were

completely subjected to Mamma’s whims and desires and

made to sit, for hours, every few weeks at the hair dressers,for example, whilst she did hair, nails and make-up. That,

combined with the daily mall visits was just too much. My

sisters started to protest – they wanted to play, meet friends,

have some form of stability. Pappa was never around. They

couldn’t complain to him. He worked on all kinds of fancy

engineering projects and came home late at night and left

early.We ate junk food at home and at the mall. Mamma’s

weight ballooned. She gained about 25 kilos in 4 months. We

kids were sickly, possibly from lack of home-made food,

fruits, veggies and fresh air. TV dinners, fast-food, cans,

snacks and sweets filled the fridge, freezer, kitchen counters

and cupboards.

Pappa seemed to realise that there was trouble in paradise.He could no longer ignore that fact by coming home late at

night and willingly working extra to avoid being with the

family. The condition of his home reflected the condition of

his life… The TV screen was grimy and full of sticky finger

prints. When we watched shows it was through a coating of

thick dust. Used diapers from myself lay strewn about here

and there.

Once Grandma found one under the couch full of

powdery mildew and dried feces. The laundry hamper in the

bathroom could no longer be discerned behind heaps of

unwashed clothes and me and my two year older sister

NEVER bathed or brushed our teeth. Mamma said – why

bother to brush when they will get grown-up teeth anyway…

The credit cards were overdrawn and Pappa’s boss was

asking when he would be invited home for dinner – as the

custom often was, back in the 60s in the USA. Pappa became


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seriously stressed. School started calling about my 14 year old

sister and he couldn’t even bring his boss home for dinner.

My uncles visited us in the States. They were going to

drive across America and they spent the first night with us.They said we kids, Mamma and they, were all in the living

room together talking about old memories when I started to

reek, even Mamma said so. I needed changing. They said I sat

in poop for well over an hour and I was really cranky because

the diaper had leaked and my pants had a diarrhea trail

running down the leg.

They saw that Mamma saw but didn’t want to touch it, itseemed…. They couldn’t handle thinking how nasty it was for

me. So the two of them, 20 year old young men, took off the

diaper and wanted to bathe me because my hair was a mess

also but they couldn’t because the bath tub was clogged and

filthy. They cleared out the kitchen sink and washed me there.

In the meantime Mamma wanted to bake something in their

honor and proceeded to do so. Finally we all partook in a littlesit down family gathering. Uncle Bill sipped his coffee and

took a slice of cake. Everyone had some cake, chewed a bit,

chomped it and had a sharp crunching sound and chalky taste

in their mouths. Everyone spat cake out. Bill asked – what’s

this? Picking out some egg shell from his slice. His sister

replied, – the recipe said use two whole eggs….

My uncles just looked at each other in disbelief. Later

they talked to my father and said he better do something

radical. We kids couldn’t live like that – he had better divorce

her. She was like that when they grew up and obviously would

never change. They said they were going to visit in 4-5 weeks

again after their road trip and they didn’t want to see such

filth. If not they would phone my grandparents in Scandinavia

and get lawyers to take us home to them. Later my dad said he

was grateful for this rude awakening, being made to see the

truth and forced to grab the bull by its horns – he had been in


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a state of denial for a long time. My uncles’ demand took our

little family to the next level of sanity and family stability.

Pappa brought out the heavy artillery and really put

Mamma through the ringer. He hired a private detective toglean every bit of evidence he could against her from every

imaginable source, both in the US and in Scandinavia. My

father caught my mother off-guard and announced to her one

day that a private detective had been trailing her for two

months and he had a stack of evidence to prove to the judge

that she was an unfit mother who should never be allowed to

see her kids again. Mamma was in shock. Pappa had arrangedthat we kids weren’t home at this time. A taxi was waiting

outside our house as he spoke to her and two suitcases with

her belongings were already placed in the trunk of that

vehicle. He threw his wallet at her feet along with her passport

and an airline ticket stuck in it – Just give up, he said. – Don’t

even try and fight, the trial is in a week. You can stay in a

hotel until then or take that flight back home. The kids aresafe. – Don’t try and get in touch either! He shouted as she

dazedly walked to the cab. In her shock, tears and frantic

panic, thinking of us children she later admitted she felt

relieved but also guilty for giving up her responsibility and

just going home. She had no memory of how she ended up at

the airport watching the cab drive off or how she found herself

pressing her face against the airplane seat window, trying toget a last glimpse of Texas as the plane gathered speed and

lifted. She swallowed her tears and kept her glossy gaze

focused on the flight film being shown on the screen in front

of her row of seats.

Pappa dragged my mother to court with an extreme

vengeance. She lost custody, she wasn’t even present in court

and she had had no possibility of defending herself. My fatheralso said she may as well forget about ever seeing us again.

He kept that “promise” because I have absolutely no

childhood memories of her. Just a few pictures I saw when I


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was older. They divorced when I was two and the “first time”

I saw her after that was when I was 12 years old, during a

supervised four hour visit.


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Single dad doing his best

Anyway, from there on in, things were different and had

definitely improved for us all. Pappa had made a name for

himself as a successful, sought after, reliable Consultant

Engineer. He was also admired for being a strong single father

and we were often invited to other people’s homes for dinner.

– Stop fidgeting, stay still, he would say when we weresitting in the parked car ready to get out and have dinner at

someone’s house. He’d spit on his handkerchief and rub any

smudge off our faces, then we’d be good to go. We travelled

quite a lot and Pappa had just me and my two year older sister

to take care of now. My oldest sister had turned 16 or 17,

moved in with her boyfriend and just stayed put where she

was. I know nothing more about her life since she never toldme about those days, not even later, when we met as adults.

Once again, we travelled a lot and I loved it! A vivid memory

was of midnight moves. Since Pappa made it a fun adventure I

didn’t even question it. Fairly often my sister and I would be

awakened, shivering slightly as Pappa carried us hurriedly, in

pajamas to our car in the chilly early morning air.

He had made cosy spaces for us with pillows, favorite books, crayons, flashlights, snacks and blankets. So I either

slumbered off to dreamland again or sat bolt upright ready for

this adventure. We would stay in hotels every other night on


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our dusty journey across desert areas and through snowy

mountain passes. Back then no one used seat belts either. So

we could stretch-out unhindered, even lie on top of some of

the things in the back of the station wagon we had. The carwas jam-packed with our belongings. We just simply left

everything behind and started afresh in a new city in America

or Canada.

One of these moves seemed to take forever one winter.

Esther and I were shivering despite having several blankets

piled on top of us. We lay in the back of our station wagon

trying to play some card games like “Fish”. But it was so coldthat my teeth started chattering. I gave up the game,

complained to Pappa about the cold. – Soon we will be there,

hang on. Think of all the hot and delicious things you can eat

and I’ll buy it for you when we get there! He coaxed and

comforted us as best he could. We could see he was straining

himself to maneuver us quickly and safely on that winding

snowy mountain road. So we didn’t bug him for a while… I heard a weird rumbling, like the whole mountain was

shaking then suddenly rapidly oncoming headlights flooded

our car… Honk Hooooonkkk! ooooook! Whoooosch… The

car lifted slightly from the wind turbulence of the bypassing

truck. We were being derailed by that 40 footer truck! We

spun around, skidded, then ended up between a mass of snow

that cushioned our crash, on one side of the car and on theother – a flimsy old railing and a sheer 1000 foot drop down

the side of the mountain. We all screamed, I peed my pants,

almost enjoying the warm feeling spreading over my cold

legs. A warmth that lasted about 30 seconds in our frost-bitten

situation. That stream of pee was rapidly turning to ice in my

wet pants…

I really loved my daddy. He protected us and wherever we

were together I considered home. Togetherness is what’s most

important in life, that’s all. I will never forget I had asked him

something when I was not yet five. He became teary eyed and


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said, – You never asked to be born. God meant for you to be

here and I will protect you till I die and even when I am an

angel. That filled my heart with comfort and I believed him

then and now.I know once that we stayed at a really nice Winter hotel

with long glass corridors and you could actually see deer

come and eat close-up. I think we were at this hotel for weeks.

We even celebrated Christmas there. Pappa gave us some

money and we had a shopping spree with him at the local

mall. I’m sure we ended up with about 20 presents that we

placed under a Christmas tree chair in our hotel room – a chairthat Esther and I decorated. Pappa was pretty fun when he

wasn’t driving or working. He had bought us lots of books as

well as games like Mastermind, Backgammon, Battleship and

Operation. And he never said no when I wanted to play with

him.

A waiter there gave Ester and me a beautiful real fur deer

toy each. I still had mine many years and countries later. I gotreally bored of this nice hotel after, what felt like weeks and

Esther and I demanded we had to move on…. So Pappa took a

road map that night, looked at it, pondered over what to do

and told us bright and early next morning that we were headed

for Arizona!

It took a few days to finally get to the desert area

bordering Arizona since Pappa needed various supplies and so

on but we were finally on our way. I had never been in a

desert before so Pappa stopped here and there and we looked

at things like cactuses up close. He chopped off a little piece

for us to taste and said that cactuses could save your life if you

were really thirsty. You peel it like a cucumber to get rid of the

thorns then just munch on it. We seemed to be driving

endlessly in the desert. It was boring and hot. Pappa was

getting agitated.

He stopped the car often to check the engine and emptied

a few bottles of water into the engine’s cooler. He was


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surrounded by steam each time he did it. We drove a little bit

then Pappa pulled up the car next to a giant cactus and parked

partially in its shade. Then he ran round to the trunk of the car

and produced a huge parcel, sat between Esther and me in the back of the station wagon and said – Open it, it’s from your

mother. I looked at the parcel in awe. This was amazing and

unreal! My fingers automatically traced the womanly hand

writing on it. What was inside was magical – toys, lovely

clothes, books, teddy bears and something curious and

unusual … a package of crispy bread, caviar and nyponsoppa,

a powder made from a dried red fruit that you mix with water.Pappa took some powder from the nyponsoppa, spooned it

into a water bottle, shook it vigorously and poured some into

our traveller mugs. Then we all broke off pieces of crispy

bread and squeezed caviar on it.

What a party! I loved my mother who I didn’t know, for

sending us such lovely things. I put on a dress and a sweater

she had made and felt overjoyed and peaceful. I didn’t evenmind wearing it in the heat of the desert. I demanded on

sitting in the front of the car with Pappa as he drove later that

night. Everything felt perfect, I glanced at him occasionally –

my big, strong, nice daddy and just as my eye lids grew heavy

I saw a hint of civilization – city lights in the far distance. –

We would have a real bed to sleep in tomorrow, I thought and

I contentedly slumbered with a smile on my face.


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Time in Québec

The jobs Pappa landed included perks such as private schools

for us girls and nice houses. Pappa had long work days but we

always had live-in maids who cooked, cleaned and sent us off

to school. I feel, looking-back, that we generally had, a

homey, pleasant atmosphere to literally, run back to, when

school was finished for the day and nice ladies to be with.

Grandma would also show up fairly regularly and stay for

weeks at a time from when I was between the ages of two

until five. I don’t think we hardly ever ate a hot meal at home

in those early days of Pappa being a single parent. As soon as

he came home from work we’d jump into the car and head off

to Taco Bell’s, McDonald’s, Wendy’s or Sloppy Joe’s for

dinner. I liked Sloppy Joe’s best. We followed Pappa to the

grocery store and piled the shopping cart with, amongst other

things, Cheerios, wheat germ and Alpen – a deliciously nutty,

fruity and creamy cereal that I couldn’t get enough of. Esther,

two years my elder, always acted like an adult and tried to

make good choices. I can still see her now, an 8 year old

walking around with a shopping list in the store looking a bit

serious, doing a good job.

Esther and Pappa had their own special connection and he

loved her for her helping ways also. Esther was a good, sweet

big sister and I adored her! I knew she felt I was aggravating


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and exasperating at times but we stuck together through thick

and thin. I hounded her sometimes when we were home to be

in the same room as her so we could read together sometimes.

Then when I “read” I did so quietly combined with suddenly babbling a torrent of words until she gave me a glare that

could melt ice. Then I was quiet again for the next little

while… I wanted to be with my sister a lot but at the same

time, I knew she liked her space, so I naturally backed off a

bit. Then occasionally, I wanted to be near her, to be around

her, like when we “read” together. This desire fizzled a bit the

older we got because it seemed to be I cared more for her thanshe for me. Instead I continued to love and adore her but I

poured out my affections on a few deserving friends and

especially animals.

We always had cats with us where ever we went. My cat

Sammy even flew with us from the US to Guyana. He was

like a dog and my shadow. One place I know we stayed at for

approximately a year was Québec, Canada. We moved therewhen I was five to La Salle Québec. I recall asking Pappa –

what time I should come home? – when it gets dark, he said.

And that is exactly what I did. It was Summer time then. We

lived in a town house with a communal pool. Esther and I

played there every day. And I learnt to swim by myself. I even

used to throw my dog in the pool to be with me. It was scary

being in the pool sometimes, though. I felt myself sinking twoor three times, my lungs almost bursting, screaming for air. I

was sputtering and gasping, my arms lashing about, the dog

barking loudly and then I finally reached the ladder on the

side of the pool. I got out, my dog barking madly, tugging my

suit and licking my face. It all happened one more time and

then I knew how to swim.

I didn’t have to come home until dark so I played all day.Showing up at home for a bite to eat or when nature called. A

favorite place of mine was our underground garage. There I

had a mop dolly called Mopsy. I could run around as I pleased


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and was never bored. My sister Esther and I had nothing in

common. She was indoors all the time, reading, being bored;

whatever else I have no clue about. Even up to this day, I am

the one who gets in touch, spontaneously and genuinelycaring. Never the other way around. I always had friends

around if I felt like playing with them. They liked the games

and wildness, so did I but I enjoyed my freedom also. On

occasion I would drag a hoard of friends home. We’d make

sandwiches, pack a picnic basket then be off again. Pappa was

good and generous that way. I had unlimited access to all the

food at home, even to share with friends. One rule, he told me,though, is I had to pop in every now and then when I was

outdoors. Esther was always friendless, at home, at least. I

recall glancing at her one day, we shared a bedroom. She

really only ever read, did macramé and watched TV. No

friends that I knew of so I paid two of my buddies to be with

her. I always had money. Pappa paid me when I did chores

and I was always allowed to take change out of his pocket.Anyway, I don’t think Esther suspected anything – she seemed

to have had fun. I went to St. Vincent elementary school and I

absolutely loved it! To me it was heaven on earth – one of the

best times in my six year old life. I always woke up early,

hummed, sang, bounced around the house packing and

repacking my book bag, much to my sister ’s annoyance.

I tried to time in when to leave in the mornings – theschool building was just two streets away from our house. I

was so ready for school, to have a mission in life. I was there

earliest of all kids and left latest. Once I even came in my

pajamas! I was in such a hurry I forgot to change. I even got

myself a boyfriend in school – Gregory. I passed his house on

the way to and from school. We walked home together and I

often got to come into his house. His mother always cookeddelicious food. I probably used Gregory as a good excuse to

be with his mom and help her out in the kitchen. Sometimes

she let me slice and dice vegetables and babble on non-stop

maja sinclair -a guyanese jaguar soul

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