PREFACE

Last summer, while I was cleaning out my housein preparation to move, I came across a copy ofa book I had written years ago. It describes theevents that occurred during a powerfullytransformative period of my life from 1984 to1996.

Throughout that period, even though I had somegloriously elevating and earth-shakingexperiences and realizations, I didntpredominantly live in Love as a state of being.Making that shift was extremely challenging forme because it required letting go of control onlevels far deeper than I could ever haveimagined at the time.

This book chronicles many different stages ofdevelopment that I went through to arrive atnew, embodied understandings. For example, Ihad considered the end goal to be achievingenlightenment. I mistakenly thought that thiswas a place at which one arrives havingmastered perfection and constant bliss. Not onlydid I discover that this concept was inaccurate, Ialso came to understand that there really is no

end goal. Each step is an invaluable part of aneternally unfolding process of getting to know,cherish and be oneself ever more fully andauthentically.

Since we are always growing, learning, andexpanding, I couldnt have imagined therichness that was yet to come throughcontinually integrating and enlightening. I alsocant imagine whats still to be revealed.

As I reread the old book, I reflected back uponthe person I was with a tender smile. Thedifferences in my perspectives then and now arevery evident to me. Yet, Im still the sameperson, in fact even more genuinely sothoughparadoxically also quite different.

In reviewing my life, I see that my passion toknow myselfand my fervent desire to live andcreate from an always expanding sense of selfwere always there. They are the luminous threadthat connects all of the events. What is vastlydifferent now is how I experience myself as wellas what I create from a new sense of self. I wasevolving from seeking love, to falling in love, toknowing myself as Love, to Loving Now.

I am republishing the original book in anupdated version. To distinguish clearly betweenthen and now, I have included the originalexperiences in plain font, and new commentaryfrom my present perspective in italics. My innervoice is in quotation marks throughout. Theexperiences are true but I have givenpseudonyms to the people involved.

I continue to write about my life-changingadventures and realizations. These books areavailable on my website www.anamika.com. Ioffer these in honor of who weve been, of whowe are now, and of who were becoming.

May we cherish ourselves and each other withappreciation and tender compassion.

With love,

Anamika

INTRODUCTION

If the Nazis came to the door what would I do?This question haunted my childhood. Would I

faint? Would I run and hide? Would I resist evenif it meant losing my life?

These questions were understandable given thatI grew up in a Jewish household not too longafter World War II. However, the intensity of myfeelings surrounding this quandary and mydesperation to know the answer seemed strange.There was no history of violence in mychildhood. My family enjoyed a comfortableupper-middle class, Oyster Bay Cove, New Yorkexistence. We valued kindness. So my obsessionwith this Nazi issue had to come fromsomewhere else.

In attempting to find answers, I would conjureup various scenarios. In some, possessing superhuman strength, I defeated the Nazis advances.In others, I bravely faced death at the hands ofmy captors. In others, I quaked in terror at thesight of their hard black boots and threateningguns.

After each of these ruminations I would be leftin a state of great agitation and unrest because Itruly didnt know what I would do if confrontedin such a way. And so, the quandary continued.

Years later, as I reached through the veils of timein an altered state of consciousness, a vividrecollection of what seemed like a prior lifemade clear the reason for my childhoodobsession with the Nazis. Finally, what seemedlike an answer emerged. I was a fifteen-year oldboy in Eastern Europe and one day the Nazis didindeed knock on the door. Although my stomachclenched as terror coursed through my veins, Iopened the door and strategically positionedmyself in such a way that my body offered whatprotection it could to shield my family.Courageously, I stood tall before the Nazis, lyingto them that my family was not at home. Idesperately hoped that the soldiers wouldbelieve my ruse and move on.

Instead, they viciously grabbed me and brutallyclubbed me to death. Even after my skull wasbroken, they continued to pummel and kick me.My spirit hovered over my lifeless body inshock at what had happened, watchinghelplessly as the Nazis stormed the house. Theydragged my struggling younger sister, parentsand grandparents into the street, and threw them

in a filthy truck to be hauled off to aconcentration camp.

I was devastated beyond description. I had failedin my mission to protect those I loved most and Ihad failed to defeat the forces of darkness. In anattempt to rectify the situation, my spirit made adesperate effort to re-inhabit my brutalized body.Relatives in spirit turned me around and drewme toward the Light, away from my earthlyexistence. My heart was heavy. I had beendetermined to be a force of good, believing thatit was my mission to save the world and fightthe darkness.

From somewhere in the ethers a gentle soothingvoice began to speak. It is not necessary to winthat fight. Forgive yourself for not being able todo what you thought you should. Winning afight is not important. What is important is thatyou forgive yourself for not accomplishing whatyou thought you should. In so doing, you willattain a profound level of acceptance in whichyou re-evaluate your priorities and discover thatyou dont have to be other than who you are.

I realized that I could blend with the Light andknow serenity. But I had felt like an utter failurebecause I had not been strong enough toaccomplish what I had believed to be right. Thecomforting voice continued. Who says youshould have been able to defeat the soldiers?Why judge yourself so harshly? Who says thatyour limited perspective is the only reality? Youcan only find out if you move into a differentstate of being.

I cant do that, I pleaded. Some things arejust unforgivable. I wasnt able to save myfamily and help defeat the forces of darkness. Ineed to go back to Earth and fulfill this mission.I cannot rest until I do.

As you wish. However, if you want to come topeace, you will need a gift, one that will helpyou learn unconditional love and acceptance.

Excellent, I exulted. When do I begin?

It will require many years of life to reach alevel of maturity sufficient to know yourself asone with this gift. In the meantime, be aware ofwhen you misuse it for self-serving purposes.

Eventually you will come to learn that thecompassionate embrace of yourself as you are,including your darkness and your light, isactually what you are seeking, not conqueringthe dark. But, youll need to discover this foryourself.

Youre going to forget this conversation for atime. You will not remember the gift I am givingyou or anything about this interaction until youare able to transcend self-judgment sufficiently.At a certain stage in your development you willremember. So be it.

Of course, just as the voice said, I rememberednone of this. My life was consumed by anameless quest spurred on by a nameless angst.It was a desperate search for something thatwould relieve the ache and make me feel whole.Certainly there were days, even years ofpleasure, accomplishment, and learning. By allaccounts, I was extremely successful. Yet,something was missing.

A consuming yearning, a longing beyond allthings persisted. Usually I placed the focus ofthis longing on a man. If I could just find the

right man, not the one I was currently with, butthat ultimate soul mate life partner, the One, thenI could have the thirst quenched and the painlifted.

If I wasnt focused on the man, it was themission. Why am I here? What I am supposed tobe doing? Whats my true purpose and destiny?

My search for this these answers led me all overthe planet. I explored high rocky terrain andeerily silent deserts. I delved deeply into mypsyche, fearlessly searching, questioning, andprobing. I would stop at nothing, leaving nostone unturned. I was relentless.

Despite the many insights accumulated throughthe search, the gaping black hole in my beingpersistently haunted me. Where is my man?When will we meet? Why am I here? What ismy mission?

These questions never got answered in the way Iwas looking for, but something more importantand real occurred. A significant turning pointthat helped me resolve these questions occurred

when I met a man named Joffrey with whom Ihad honest and illuminating conversations.

In speaking with him, every belief I held dearwas challenged. Every truth I had held as realitywas exposed as limited. I got to strip naked mypsyche, and to relinquish the self I had thoughtwas me, removing shrouds of self-deception.

Given the magnitude of the shift inconsciousness I was undergoing, there was muchinvolved. Perhaps some go through thisgracefully, but I cant say that was true of me. Ifelt tortured, manipulated, controlled andconfused. I pleaded, demanded, raged,bargained, ranted, raved and sobbed my waythrough. I was certain that if only I had the rightman and mission I would be just fine. Then, Iwould have that consummate Love. I thoughtmy search was for a soul mate, for a purpose, forenlightenment. In truth, it was a search to know,to accept and to love myself.

This is the story of how my suffering gave wayto miraculous grace during that period of mylife. While my journey is distinctly personal, it isreally the story of us all. As humans we have so

much in common and at the same time we are allon our own uniquely beautiful journey ofawakening. I hope my personal revelationsfurther spark your hearts flame, the voice thatspeaks to you within, so it can burn ever morebrightly as it illuminates the world.

Chapter 1

Empty Hole

I should have been on top of the world. By age36, I had reached the pinnacle of my career andpersonal life. I was successful, highlyaccomplished and money flowed in abundance. Iwas involved with a caring and successful manwho desired marriage. I had achieved what Ithought I should. Yet something was missing.

I had been involved in the personal growthmovement for twenty years. I had graduatedfrom Wellesley College with a B.A. inPsychology, and then had gone on to a self-designed, non-traditional program in graduateschool, to earn a Ph.D. in Psychology.

At nineteen, while still in college, I began mycounseling practice. I discovered I had healinggifts as well as telepathic knowing. I was able tofeel peoples emotions and read their thoughts. Ialso had an ability to transmit energy thatcatalyzed spontaneous shifts of consciousness. Itjust flowed through my body when I cared abouthelping someone, expanding my consciousnessand theirs. Yet I had no idea where it came from.

I had a booming psychotherapy and energyhealing practice in Lexington, Massachusetts.After all of my schooling, I had trained for fourmore years in the Barbara Brennan School ofHealing, which helped open up my budding giftseven further.

By now I had worked with thousands of clientsand students and had traveled the world leadingseminars on womens and mens liberation.Financially, I was in the top 1% of women onthe planet.

Yet, I had a persistent feeling that somethingwas missing. Whatever it was seemed like themost important thing. I had felt that way even as

a child. As early as I could remember, I had beensearching for that something.

I was looking for an inner feeling of fullness, anoverwhelming Love and a radiant passion thatforever eluded me. Instead, I was tormented byangst, disconnectedness, meaninglessness, anddespair. I longed for the connection, oneness andunion that would fill my being.

This angst persisted despite having a lovingfamily and a powerful bond with my mother inparticular. She and I shared a specialrelationship. We communicated perfectly with amere glance or a knowing look. We read eachothers thoughts and feelings to the detail. Wewere psychically attuned with an uncannyfeeling that we had known each other for eons.

Even as an infant I felt that I was her mother asmuch as she was mine. It was as if we were onesoul. My telepathic connection with her waspresent from the start. I could read her mind andshe could read mine. Yet despite ourextraordinary affinity, this connection wasntenough. As much as I valued and relied on her

love, I needed something that she could not giveme.

I had a bottomless emptiness that my precociousmaturity could not assuage. Despite moments ofintense connectedness to something beyond theordinary, I would fall back into the black hole.This greater awareness only magnified mydisconnectedness and amplified my yearning fordeeper communion.

So at 36, when my life appeared on the outsideto be so successful, the feelings of angst insidebecame overwhelming. I was convinced thatwhat I lacked was the right man and my truemission. I believed that the physical presence ofmy truest soul mate, and clarity about my lifepurpose, would fill the emptiness inside.

Searching for answers and craving healing balm,I approached psychics, healers, channels andmediums. I consulted with anyone who mighthave a clue as to where and when I would meetmy soul mate and as to the nature of my mission.This proved to be a roller coaster ride with gut-wrenching swings.

Each time I thought that I was getting closer toanswers my hopes would rally. They would thenbe dashed with devastating sorrow as thepredictions invariably proved to be false.Gradually, disillusionment began to outweighmy desperation. I became disgusted and ceasedconsulting others about these questions.

One day, my trusted friend Gabriella called in astate of excitement. Gabriella is a few yearsolder than me and we share the same birthday. Awonderful healer and intuitive, I hadimmediately been drawn to her as a soul sisterwhen we had first met at a workshop in Vermontyears prior. Now, she was calling to invite me todinner at her house. She had met a fascinatingman from South Africa who was coming to staywith her in Vermont for a few days and shewanted me to meet him. She thought he mighthave some perspective on some of my big lifequestions. Her description of him and hisabilities was shrouded in mystery and shewouldnt tell me more than that she thought Iwould find him fascinating.

Despite the discouragement from my priorexperiences consulting with seers and healers, Ifelt compelled to meet him. In fact, I felt that Ihad to do so immediately. My impassionedintuitive response shouted that I could notindulge my despair this time.

After we scheduled a dinner at Gabriellas housefor the very next evening, I became quiteexcited. This was despite a large degree ofskepticism that warred with my previouslythwarted, but now escalating hopes. My logicargued, What are you so excited and nervousabout? Youre just having dinner with someSouth African man. However, I was surprisedto find that I was shaken to the core. My entirebody was vibrating with anticipation and fear. Isensed that this time would be different and thatmy two burning questions might actually beanswered.

The next day, while driving a few hours toGabriellas house, all of my worst fearsrampaged in cacophonous disarray. I fantasizedhim coldly reprimanding me when I asked aboutmy soul mate and my mission. You have no

soul mate. Youre going to be alone for the restof your life. Furthermore, you have no mission.So just get used to that! It said something forthe rattled state of my mind and nerves that Icould only imagine this judgmental response.

With these depressing thoughts as companions, Iapproached Gabriellas house with the grace andenthusiasm of a robothaving finally numbedmyself as a protection against furtherdisappointment. Mechanically knocking on thedoor, I awaited what I believed could only be theinevitable demise of every hope and aspiration Ihad ever held dear.

After what felt to be an eternity, the door openedand there stood Joffrey. I was shocked. Hisappearance seemed all wrong. I thought I had noexpectations of what he would look like. Yet Iwas seized by the irrational conviction thatsomehow he was supposed to look different thanhe did.

He was a tall, skinny unprepossessing man withpale white skin. His almost waist length blondhair hung loose. He had unfocused green eyes,which gazed at me blankly as he seemed to be

drifting in and out of his body. It didnt seempossible that this seemingly disoriented mancould possess any key to my well-being.

With this gloomy thought, I decided to put abrave front on the matter. Masking mynervousness, I marched into the foyer in abrusque manner, as if paying an official visit.Joffreys initial awkwardness seemed to grow asif in response to my impersonal entrance.Perhaps my very presence was strangelydisconcerting to him, I mused, feeling my slimthread of hope slipping away.

Joffrey indicated that I follow him into thekitchen where Gabriella was only beginning tomake dinner. She said that while she made thepreparations, he and I should go sit together inthe living room. The shades were drawn and Icould barely see him in the dimly lit room. Twochairs had been carefully placed face to facenext to a small table with a burning candle. Hemotioned for me to take a seat and asked me totake off my shoes. Then under his breath he saidsome kind of prayer. I panicked. What is this, asance? I argued with myself as I fought the

urge to bolt from the room. Get a hold ofyourself! I demanded as I made an unsuccessfuleffort to be more rational. My mind had a will ofits own. It went on, If this guy was for real,none of this craziness would be happening.

Somehow him saying a prayer reminded me ofwhat I categorized as religious nonsense. It wassomething about safety, protection andintentions for the highest good of all. Desperatefor a measure of reassurance, I continued mysilent monologue, Well, if he was asremarkable as Gabriella had said, maybe theprayer was necessary after all. Reassured bymy analysis of the situation, I took off my shoesas Joffrey had requested.

Right before he closed his eyes for a moment, helooked at me in a very different manner thanbefore. It was as if his eyes were lookingthrough me. The best way to describe it is thathe looked like he was seeing something that wasinvisible. His look was penetrating, as if he wereasking, Dont I know you? I remember feelingthat he was scrutinizing my soul. This was a

very uncomfortable moment. I felt more exposedthan I had ever been in my life.

His visual probing lasted just a moment. Then heclosed his eyes and as his breathing deepenedhis body began to slump. I thought he wastaking a nap because odd sounds emanated fromhim. But then the air in the room softenedpalpably and became highly charged as if thefabric of our surroundings was shifting.Suddenly, I sensed a presence enter Joffreysbody and adjust itself to his form. At the sametime I noticed that the shape of Joffreys faceand body were undergoing a transformation. Hisrather androgynous features were becomingmuch sharper and more boldly defined as ifJoffrey were becoming a powerful persona.

By now, I was quivering with anticipation. I felta strong recognition with this energy presenceand was immediately at ease. Somehow I knewthat its power was tempered by a greatgentleness and a vast compassion. For the firsttime that day, I felt calm, safe and at peace.

Suddenly Joffrey bolted upright, opened hiseyes, and started speaking. His voice was tender

and understanding as he spoke to me of thedilemma of old souls who are sensitive, andhow challenging being on Earth can be,especially with the majority of humanity at asurvival level of consciousness.

He acknowledged that even though I wasdedicated to my path, my feeling of innerconnectedness would come and go. Heunderstood that I was confused as to why itdidnt last and why my commitment to this innerfocus had not brought me the kind ofrelationship and mission for which I waslonging. He knew that I hoped it was because Iwas a late bloomer, but also that I was worried Imight never bloom at all.

While he was talking I was trembling. Thisvoice was addressing my heart directly. Yet itwasn't only his words that spoke to me. Hispresence emanated a kindness and a caring thatwas far beyond anything I had ever known. Itwas as if he was holding me in his arms againsthis chest. I felt that he knew me better than Iknew myself. He accepted me completely, both

the good and the bad. He knew my dreams, mydesires, and what my soul was all about.

How did he know me? Despite my lingeringmental agitation, on some profound level I feltlike I had come home. Nothing looked the way Ithought it should, but somehow that ceased tomatter. He reassured me that old souls do tend tobloom late, like exquisite flowers whose beautyand scent lasts for hundreds of years once theyfinally blossom.

When our communion was complete, there wasa long silent pause in which Joffreys bodybegan to slump again. During this pause, I feltthe gentle etheric energy depart. Gradually, Isensed another presence occupying Joffreysbody. It was strongly masculine and earthy.

Again Joffreys body bolted upright. He rubbedhis eyes, shook his head vigorously, thengrunted, looking around the living room. I wasamazed at the change in Joffreys appearance.He seemed squat, with a large belly and a jowlyface. Incredibly, he seemed to be wearing aNative American headdress. When he began tospeak, it was with a thick, gravely, voice. He

introduced himself as a Native American Chief.He didnt mention his tribe.

Almost immediately I began to feel a pressure inthe center of my chest and a swirling around myheart. "There's something happening to my heartright now. What is that?" I asked.

He told me that it was Yeshua, the man latercalled Jesus by the Romans, doing a healing onmy heart. He went on to inform me that I hadspent a lot of time with Yeshua.

I was incredulous. This didn't seem possible. Ihad always rejected any notion of the religiousfigure Jesus. I felt no need for a savior and hehad no relevance to my life. In addition, I hadalways found the very sound of the name Jesusto be hard and grating. It had never occurred tome that I might have known a real person withthe ancient Hebrew name Yeshua, whichsounded melodious.

Surprised that I had any desire to speak withhim, I heard myself asking, "Can Yeshua speakwith me?"

He assured me that Yeshua as well as otherMasters who had been on this Earth could andwould come and speak with me eventually. Theywere interested in supporting all those who wereopening to embrace the Light for awakening andto deepen in their awareness ofGod/Goddess/All-That-Is.

This fit into my notion of my mission. Eventhough I didnt understand much, I had aburning desire to further awaken and to helphumanity do the same.

The Chief then paused and took a long breath.To my great surprise, he expressed his personallove for me and his words were filled with greatemotion. I couldnt tell if this was some kind ofuniversal Love he was expressing or somethingmore personal from some other era. But I didnthave time to ruminate upon his startlingadmission, because as he spoke, I felt deliciouswarmth penetrating my heart in the place ityearned to be touched. He said nothing elseother than expressing his sadness in having toleave, but assured me we would be togetheragain in different ways.

I wondered what his mysterious message meant.How would we be together? What differentways?

Before I could ask him, his energy began leavingJoffreys body. For a moment the Chief appearedbefore me as a huge being of golden white lightradiating the most beautiful glow I had everseen. I gasped, overcome with awe and longing.He lifted me up and drew me into his light. Ibegan to sob as pain welled up and tears ofgratitude spilled down my cheeks. This is it!This is the Love I have been looking for! I dontwant it to ever end, I exulted, utterly transfixed.

Gradually, the Chiefs light faded, but Imaintained my euphoria. Suddenly, with a lurchand a start, Joffrey opened his eyes and wasunceremoniously back in his body with norecollection of anything that had transpired.

I glanced down at my watch. We had beensitting together for an hour, but seemed bothtimeless and only 10 minutes long. I could hearGabriella still in the kitchen making dinner.While Joffrey hadnt directly answered my twoburning questions, strangely at that moment,

while in the experience of Love, it didnt matter.Those questions were the furthest things frommy mind.

As Joffreys eyes came into focus, he saw mestill in the throes of my ecstatic experience withthe Chief. For a brief moment he exhibited noneof the initial awkwardness he had when we firstbeheld each other. His eyes clearly indicated thathe too was profoundly moved. Sometime laterhe told me that at that moment he became awarethat there was a deep, lasting connectionbetween us. It had been there for eons. It seemedwe had been together consistently in manydifferent kinds of relationships throughout thecenturies.

The eternal bond I felt at that moment was notonly with Joffrey personally, because I didntknow him, but more with the energy comingthrough him. I didnt realize that his personalenergy was still blended with that highervibratory energy, and that he was to be anintegral part of my journey as well.

This was my first experience of specific beingslike the Chief, with their own personalities,

blended with a persons energy. Up until thattime, when I would merge with All, it was anundifferentiated state of oneness I wouldexperience.

My experience with the energy of the Chief wasso compelling it was like a magnet. I would tryto recreate the sensations of Love we hadentered into together when I was alone againwith my eyes closed. It was the beginning oflearning to access dimensions of consciousnessother than ordinary reality by choice.

At this stage, even though I was looking outsideof myself for this great Love, my real search wasfor union. I couldnt yet consistently sense that Iwas already connected in that union, so I lookedfor some kind of large presence who would bethe source of that Love. I couldnt consistentlyyet access it within me. It was like a childlooking for a loving parent.

As a child, although I had touched upon Lovemany times, as any young person does, I hadpredominately looked to my parents for humanlove. My parents were both kind-hearted people,but damaged in different ways. My mother was

caring, intuitive and creative, but extremelydominating and controlling. My father was alsovery intelligent and multi-talented, butemotionally withdrawn and unavailable. Eventhought my mother was very perceptive aboutother people, she wasnt very self-aware, whileby contrast my father liked to understand hisinternal landscape. As a result of hisintrospection, years later he apologized to mefor his emotional withdrawal. But my earlynegative imprints were of an emotionally absentfather and of a mother who was a bully. Thiswas a source of great pain to a little girl whoadored her mommy and daddy.

Growing up, it seemed to me that had myparents had done it right I would feelfulfilled. I became angry at them, angry atmyself assuming I must have done somethingwrong, and eventually withdrawn too.

Later, in working with thousands of people, Isaw that even those who had more fulfillingparent/child relationships were still searchingfor something more. I realized that no matterhow wonderful or terrible our human

relationships were, they werent ultimately thesource of our happiness or pain. That came fromwithin, and our parents were the cause of ourhappiness or pain only from a childsperspective. A more self-responsibly matureperspective showed me that our parents were amirror of our own often unconscious beliefs andnot the cause. They were the actors in our ownplay.

Eventually, I came to the liberating andempowering realization that my ownconnectedness was something that I couldconsciously choose instead of looking for it outthere. In the process of learning to live in theawareness of that connectedness, thisexperience with Joffrey was one of manymeaningful experiences that led me deeper intothat union. So, in this first encounter withJoffrey, the eternal bond I felt was with thispresence called the Chief, who seemed to existonly outside of me. I didnt yet fully realize thatthis presence was both outside of and alsowithin me. In fact, he was part of me and I waspart of him. At this stage, I couldnt reliably feel

this Love within myself so I perceived myself asseparate from it.

When I felt separate, I kept looking for my dailyexperiences to fill the emptiness inside. Like anaddict, I would get a temporary fix from mycaring interactions with people, but the hole stillremained. It was a persistent emptiness. Icouldnt understand why I didnt derive muchfulfillment from ordinary worldly pleasures. Ithought I should be able to fill the hole once andfor all from a source of pleasure.

I did have an intellectual awareness that true,enduring contentment could only come from myown inner spiritual nature. But I wasnt feelingit. While I derived deep joy from learning moreabout myself and about the true nature ofreality, I was uncertain how to access it and findfurther inner fulfillment. I didnt yet understandhow to reliably tap into my own innerresonances and feel them vibrate within me. Itseemed like it happened spontaneously to meonce in a while by chance.