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WelcometoLightUniversityandthe“LoveontheRocks2.0”programofstudy.Our prayer is that you will be blessed by your studies and increase your effectiveness inreaching out to others. We believe you will find this program to be academically sound,clinicallyexcellentandbiblically-based.Our faculty represents some of the best in their field – including professors, counselors andministers who provide students with current, practical instruction relevant to the needs oftoday’sgenerations.We have alsoworked hard to provide youwith a program that is convenient and flexible –givingyoutheadvantageof“classroominstruction”onlineandallowingyoutocompleteyourtrainingonyourowntimeandscheduleinthecomfortofyourhomeoroffice.Thetestmaterialcanbefoundatwww.lightuniversity.comandmaybetakenopenbook.Onceyouhavesuccessfullycompletedthetest,whichcoverstheunitswithinthiscourse,youwillbeawardedacertificateofcompletionsignifyingyouhavecompletedthisprogramofstudy.Thank you for your interest in this program of study. Our prayer is that you will grow inknowledge,discernment,andpeople-skillsthroughoutthiscourseofstudy.Sincerely,

RonHawkinsDean,LightUniversity

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TheAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselors

• Represents the largestorganizedmembership (nearly50,000)ofChristian counselorsandcaregiversintheworld,havingjustcelebratedits25thanniversaryin2011.

• Known for its top-tier publications (Christian Counseling Today, the Christian CounselingConnectionandChristianCoachingToday),professionalcredentialingopportunitiesofferedthroughtheInternationalBoardofChristianCare(IBCC),excellenceinChristiancounselingeducation, an arrayof broad-based conferences and live training events, radioprograms,regulatoryandadvocacyeffortsonbehalfofChristianprofessionals,apeer-reviewedEthicsCode, and collaborative partnerships such as Compassion International, the NationalHispanic Christian Leadership Conference and Care Net (to name a few), the AACC hasbecomethefaceofChristiancounselingtoday.

• With the needed vision and practical support necessary, the AACC helped launch the

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OurMission

The AACC is committed to assisting Christian counselors, the entire “community of care,”licensedprofessionals,pastors,and laychurchmemberswith littleorno formal training. It isourintentiontoequipclinical,pastoral,andlaycaregiverswithbiblicaltruthandpsychosocialinsights that minister to hurting persons and helps them move to personal wholeness,interpersonalcompetence,mentalstability,andspiritualmaturity.

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OurVision

TheAACC’svisionhastwocriticaldimensions:First,wedesiretoservetheworldwideChristianChurch by helping foster maturity in Christ. Secondly, we aim to serve, educate, and equip1,000,000 professional clinicians, pastoral counselors, and lay helpers throughout the nextdecade.WearecommittedtohelpingtheChurchequipGod’speopletoloveandcareforoneanother.We recognize Christian counseling as a unique form of Christian discipleship, assisting thechurch in its call to bring believers to maturity in the lifelong process of sanctification—ofgrowingtomaturityinChristandexperiencingabundantlife.Werecognizesomearegiftedtodosointhecontextofaclinical,professionaland/orpastoralmanner.Wealsobelieveselected laypeoplearecalledtocareforothersandthattheyneedtheappropriatetrainingandmentoringtodoso.WebelievetheroleofthehelpingministryintheChurchmustbesupportedbythreestrongcords:thepastor,thelayhelper,andtheclinicalprofessional.ItistothesethreerolesthattheAACCisdedicatedtoserve(Ephesians4:11-13).

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InthenameofChrist,theAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselorsabidesbythefollowingvalues:

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LightUniversity• Establishedin1999undertheleadershipofDr.TimClinton—hasnowseennearly200,000

students from around the world (including lay caregivers, pastors and chaplains, crisisresponders,lifecoaches,andlicensedmentalhealthpractitioners)enrollincoursesthataredelivered via multiple formats (live conference and webinar presentations, video-basedcertificationtraining,andastate-of-theartonlinedistanceteachingplatform).

• Thesepresentations,courses,andcertificateanddiplomaprograms,offeroneofthemostcomprehensive orientations to Christian counseling anywhere. The strength of LightUniversity is partially determined by its world-class faculty—over 150 of the leadingChristianeducators,authors,mentalhealthcliniciansandlifecoachingexpertsintheUnitedStates. This core groupof facultymembers represents a literal “Who’sWho” inChristiancounseling. No other university in the world has pulled together such a diverse andcomprehensivegroupofprofessionals.

• Educational and training materials cover over 40 relevant core areas in Christian—

counseling, lifecoaching,mediation,andcrisis response—equippingcompetentcaregiversand ministry leaders who are making a difference in their churches, communities, andorganizations.

OurMissionStatement

TotrainonemillionBiblicalCounselors,ChristianLifeCoaches,andChristianCrisisRespondersbyeducating,equipping,andservingtoday’sChristianleaders.

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Video-basedCurriculum

• UtilizesDVDpresentations that incorporateover 150 of the leading Christian educators,authors,mentalhealthclinicians,andlifecoachingexpertsintheUnitedStates.

• Eachpresentationisapproximately50-60minutesinlengthandmostareaccompaniedbyacorrespondingtext(inoutlineformat)anda10-questionexaminationtomeasurelearningoutcomes.Therearenearly1,000uniquepresentationsthatareavailableandorganizedinvariouscourseofferings.

• Learning is self-directed and pacing is determined according to the individual time

parameters/scheduleofeachparticipant.• With the successful completion of each program course, participants receive an official

Certificate of Completion. In addition to the normal Certificate of Completion that eachparticipant receives, Regular and Advanced Diplomas in Biblical Counseling are alsoavailable.

Ø TheRegularDiploma isawardedbytakingCaringForPeopleGod’sWay,BreakingFreeandoneadditionalElectiveamongtheavailableCoreCourses.

Ø TheAdvancedDiplomaisawardedbytakingCaringForPeopleGod’sWay,BreakingFree,andanythreeElectivesamongtheavailableCoreCourses.

Credentialing

• LightUniversitycourses,programs,certificatesanddiplomasarerecognizedandendorsedbytheInternationalBoardofChristianCare(IBCC)anditsthreeaffiliateBoards:theBoardofChristianProfessional&PastoralCounselors(BCPPC);theBoardofChristianLifeCoaching(BCLC);andtheBoardofChristianCrisis&TraumaResponse(BCCTR).

• Credentialing is a separateprocess from certificate or diploma completion.However, theIBCC accepts Light University and Light University Online programs as meeting theacademic requirements for credentialing purposes. Graduates are eligible to apply forcredentialinginmostcases.

Ø Credentialinginvolvesanapplication,attestation,andpersonalreferences.

Ø CredentialrenewalsincludeContinuingEducationrequirements,re-attestation,andoccureitherannuallyorbienniallydependingonthespecificBoard.

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OnlineTesting

TheURLfortakingallquizzesforthiscourseis:http://www.lightuniversity.com/my-account/.

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Afterallquizzesaresuccessfullycompleted,a“PrintYourCertificate”buttonwillappearnearthetopofthecoursepage.YouwillnowbeabletoprintoutaCertificateofCompletion.Yournameandthecourseinformationarepre-populated.ContinuingEducationThe AACC is approved by the American Psychological Association (APA) to offer continuingeducationforpsychologists.TheAACCisaco-sponsorofthistrainingcurriculumandaNationalBoard of Certified Counselors (NBCC)ApprovedContinuing Education Provider (ACEPTM). TheAACC may award NBCC approved clock hours for events or programs that meet NBCCrequirements.TheAACCmaintainsresponsibilityforthecontentofthistrainingcurriculum.TheAACCalsoofferscontinuingeducationcreditforplaytherapiststhroughtheAssociationforPlayTherapy (APT Approved Provider #14-373), so long as the training element is specificallyapplicabletothepracticeofplaytherapy.It remains the responsibility of each individual to be aware of his/her state licensure andContinuing Education requirements. A letter certifying participation will be mailed to thoseindividuals who submit a Continuing Education request and have successfully completed allcourserequirements.

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Presentersfor

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PresenterBiographyJim Sells, Ph.D., is the Counseling Department Chair, Assistant Dean for Academics, andProfessor at Regent University (Virginia Beach, VA). He received his Ph.D. in CounselingPsychologyattheUniversityofSouthernCalifornia.AreasofinterestincludeMaritalandFamilyTherapy,andForgivenessandReconciliation.Hecurrently servesas theDirectorof thePh.D.PrograminCounselorEducation&SupervisionatRegentUniversity.Leslie Vernick, M.S.W., LCSW, Leslie Vernick, MSW, is a licensed counselor and nationalspeakerwithexpertiseonthesubjectsofpersonalandspiritualgrowth,marriageimprovement,conflictresolution,depression,childabuse,anddomesticviolence.Sheistheauthorofseveralbooks including:The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It;Lord,IJustWanttoBeHappy;andHowtoActRightWhenYourSpouseActsWrong.

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LoveontheRocks2.0TableofContents:

LOTR101:CounselingCouplesinConflict:TheRoleofRelationalGraceinPastoralCounseling..............................................................................................................................................11JimSells,Ph.D.LOTR102:CounselingStrategiesthatWorkfortheEmotionallyDestructiveMarriage,Part1..............................................................................................................................................22LeslieVernick,M.S.W.LOTR103:CounselingStrategiesthatWorkfortheEmotionallyDestructiveMarriage,Part2..............................................................................................................................................32LeslieVernick,M.S.W.

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LOTR101:

CounselingCouplesinConflict:TheRoleof

RelationalGraceinPastoralCounseling

JimSells,Ph.D.

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AbstractTheprocessofconflictresolutioninvolvesmorethanjustresolvingthedispute.Italsoincludes

theneedforcouplestodeveloptwocomplimentarystyles–trustingandtrustworthiness.This

presentation demonstrates how relational grace is seen as the transitional behavior that

permitscouplestoshiftfromconflictpatternstowardhealthierandmoresatisfyingmarriages.

LearningObjectives

1. Participantswillbeabletoarticulatetheprocessoftherelationalgracemodel.

2. Participantswillbeabletodescribetheimportanceoftrustingandtrustworthinessina

maritalrelationship.

3. Participants will learn the steps to helping a couple understand their own values,

understandtheirpartner’striggers,andapplygracetotheirmaritalrelationship.

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I. Introduction

A. ThreeCrucialIntroductoryIdeas

1. Rebuildingisbetterthandiscarding

• Weknowthisgoingintoworkwithcouples.

• This concept can be easy to forget in the moment during blocks or

frustration.

• Itcanbetemptingtothink“rebuildingisbetter,exceptmaybeinthiscase.”

• Literature supports clearly that in most cases, unless severe violence or

pathology is present, even though it is difficult, rebuilding is better than

discarding.

2. Marital Counselors, Pastors, Christian Counselors, and other helpers are not very

goodatrebuilding

• EverettWorthingtonhassaid:

“Most counselors dread dealing with troubled marriages, even though troubled

marriagesmakeupthemajorityoftheircaseloads.”

• Thereasonforthisdreadisthatworkingwithatroubledmarriageishard.

• Counselorscanfeelpulledintothemiddleandliketheyarepartofaconflict

themselves.

3. Christianity offers some really crucial concepts to understanding how marital

conflictemergesandhowitcanberesolved.

B. ThisSessionSeekstoShow

1. WhatcounselorscanteachtheirclientsintheRelationalGraceModel.

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2. Howcounselorscansuccessfulinterveneintroubledmarriages.

3. Astrategyforsteppingintoconflictwithcouplesandhelpingcoupleswalkthrough

it.

C. ThePrevalenceofMisconceptions

1. Counselorshave reported feeling shockedby a completelydifferentproblem than

thecoupleisworkingoncomingupoutoftheblue.

2. Wethinkwehaveanunderstandingofthepresentproblem,butwemaynotrealize

severalotherissuesthatarepresent.

3. Couplesmaysay,forexample,thattheyarefeelingdisrespected,butseeminglyout

ofnowhere,anewissuewillarise.

4. Counselorsshouldbelisteningforotherlevelsorissues.

“While we are discussing one conflict, there are two others that are percolating,

simmering underneath or outside of our conversation.One is the one thatwe are

talkingabout,thecurrentconflict,andtheotheristhehistoryofalltheconflictsthat

haveoccurredwithinthisrelationshipprior.”

• It’snotjustthepresenttense–whatishappeningtoday,rightnow.

• Familyoforiginissuesarealsobroughtin.

• Eachpersoncanonlydealwithoneconflictatatime,whiletypicallythreeor

morecancomeintoplay.

• Thecoupleexperiencingconflict isoperatingundertheideaof“win,winat

allcost,andifyoucan’twin,cheat.”

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• Ifpeoplesensethattheyare losingthebattle,thattheywillnotwinorget

their point across, they are going to bring in issues left over from other

situationsto“fogupthebattlefield”inordertoregainthebattleground.

• Whilewemight sayweareworking towards resolution, there is a another

presstoworktowardsvictory.

• Because we have an individual perspective of the conflict, this is an

individualvictory,notateamvictory.

5. Thecounselorshouldestablishhis/herauthorityasthecounselorinthesession.

• This can be done gently and affirmatively, but it really needs to be done

authoritatively.

• Example:“Thebestwaythatyoucanlearntotrustme, is if Icanshowyou

thatIcanpreventyoufromhurtingyourselves…thatIcanpreventyoufrom

getting derailed and getting pulled off into the weeds or into the swamp

lands…andstayingfocusedrightontheimmediateissue.”

II. TheRelationalGraceModel

A. QuestionNumberOne:HowStrongistheTeam?

1. TerryHargravedescribesthisas“TheRelationalUs.”

2. Questionstoaskthecouple

• Whataretheuniquecharacteristicstrueofyourmarriage?

• Whatarethethingsyoustandforandlivefor?

• Whatkindofparentingdoyouexhibit?

• Whatdoyoubelieveabouthowhusbandsandwivesshouldlivetogether?

3. Istheproblemthatthecouplehastoomuchconflictabove,orthattheydonothave

agoodfoundationunderneath?

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4. Ifthecoupledoesnotidentifygoodreasonstobemarried,thecounselorcanhelp

themfindthereasons.

• If thecircumstances theycame inwithwillmake ithard for them,youcan

acknowledgethatandjointheminwhattheyknow.

• However,youcanalsopointoutthepositivesthattheymaynotbethinking

of.

• Forexample,acouplewhogotmarriedbecausetheywerepregnantcouldbe

reminded that from the beginning, they had a desire to think outside of

themselvesforthechild,andtheyvaluedthatchild’squalityoflife.

• Positiveideascanbewovenbackthroughamarriage.

B. Thinkingaboutcorevaluesshouldbehappeningfromthebeginningandallthroughout

thesession.

1. What did they see in grandparents, parents or others who had marriages they

wishestheycouldseethemselves?

2. Itmightnotbeintheirpersonalexperience,butitisthereasanideal.

3. Perhapstheyhaveneverbeentaughtorchallenged.

4. Conveytothemearlythattheycanbuildateambasedonsharedvalues.

C. TheModelinAction

1. TheCircle

• Imagineacircleordrawacirclefortheclients;eachpersonisononesideof

thecircle.

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• Askonepartnerquestionsabouthowtheymanage lifeand try to find the

patternemerging.

• Questiontoask:Whenlifeisfrustrating,tellmeaboutwhatyouexperience.

HowwouldIknowitandwhatdoyoudoinreactiontothatfrustration?

• Writeoutthefrustrationsandtheresponses.

• Askthesecondpartnerthesamequestion.

• Intentionallydonotfocusonthemarriageitself,butlifeingeneral.

• Havethecoupleidentifysomeofthosethingsthatarefrustrating.

• Couples will want to do battle in front of a counselor, but instead the

counselor should deflect the intensity of emotion in the first couple

sessions, focusing on the pain and response patterns outside of the

relationship.

• Allowthemtoseeaverynaturalresponsetopain-adefense.

• Havethemdescribeeachother’sdefensemechanisms.

• Have them learn that theirownand their spouse’s response topainareas

naturalastheblinkingofaneye.

• Defensesaretoprotectoneselffrompain.

2. Defensesaresomethinglearnedovertimeandtherearealternatives.

• Asbabies,onlyonedefenseexisted:crying.

• Wecoulddeclarethatsomethingwaswrong.

• As adults, we have learned to layer more useful responses that aremore

efficient.

• Talking, negotiating, expressing, bargaining, and attending to the needs of

otherscanbemethodsofcoping.

• Thecopingmethodschosenmaybenegative,butadditionaldefensescanbe

learned.

• Ask the couple- “Can you imagine another defense that you can employ

whenyoufeelbadtomakethefeelingworse?”

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• Askthecouple–“Canyou imagineanotherdefense thatyoucandowhen

youfeelbadtomakethefeelingbetter?”

• This laysthegroundworkforthecoupletothink–“Idon’thavetorespond

thesamewayallofthetime.”

3. AttributionsofDefenseMechanisms’Meaning

• People typically do not respond to another’s defense mechanism with

understanding–noteveninhealthymarriages.

• Whatdoesfrequentlyoccuristhemisunderstanding.

• Others’ defense mechanisms are erroneously seen as personal rejections

andimpositions.

• Attributions assigned are typically that spouses are doing their defense

mechanismbecausetheywanttohurt,wanttodistancethemselvesfromor

donotlovetheirpartner.

• Oncethatsenseofinjuryisfelt,itisprocessedaspain,frustration,asenseof

beingoverwhelmed,anger,isolation,abandonment.

• Arepeatedcyclecanoccur–pain,defense,injury-acyclethatsustainsitself

andperpetuatesitselfthroughoutthemarriage.

D. The“Aha”Experience

1. Clientsrecognizethemselvesandeachotherinthecycle.

2. Insightisformedaboutwhateachpersonisdoingandthecycleisseenclearly.

• Clients“getit.”

• Theymay not yet have the skill to do something different, but there is an

understanding.

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3. The crucial thing to acknowledgewithmany couples is thatat times the defense

mechanismismalicious.

• Wemayhaveadegreeofinnocence,butwealsohaveadegreeofguilt.

• Weknowthatwhatcanrelieveourpaincancauseinjurytoourspouse.

4. Theinternalbenttowardsadefensemechanismmaynotchange.

5. Behavioral challenges canbe changed. Wehave thecapacity touseourbrain to

override,thinkthrough,andaddressourownmechanisms.

6. Eachpersonmustbringinsightaboutwhatisgoingon.

E. Grace

1. This is a common understanding within the Christian community and within

Christianity,andgraceapplied tomarriagehasthesameconstructtobeachange

agent.

2. In session, write the word “GRACE” in the middle of the circle you have drawn.

Gracecanbreakthecycle.

3. Peopletypicallyhaveprettygoodinsightaboutwhattheirpartnerneeds.Theyget

stuckin“Iknowwhatmypartnerneeds,butI’mafraid.”

4. Thisiswheremanyclientsgetstuck.

5. Graceisachangeagent.

6. Givehowshehasrespondedtoyou,howdoyourespondtoher?

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7. Grace becomes a gift you can give to your spouse, in spite of merit or fairness,

drivenbyanideare-establishedatthebeginningofcounseling–rememberwhatit

isthatyouwantedinlife.

F. BringtheValuesBackintotheSession

1. Revisitthelongings,goals,anddesiresdiscussedearlierinthemodel.

• Remindtheclientsofwhattheysaidtheywantedinlife.

• Acknowledgethatitmaybehard.

2. Asktheclientsif,inordertoreachtheirgoals,theycanresponddifferentlytoeach

other.

3. Workongracein“bite-sizedbits.”

4. The need to defend oneself lessens when grace turns the response to pain in a

healthierdirection.

G. Gracecanbeashortlivedcommodity-Grace,thenwhat?

1. Thereareasetofvariablesthatarecrucialtomaritalmaturitycanbringlongterm

positivechange.

• Justice,Empathy,TrustingandTrustworthiness,andForgiveness.

• These four Christian characteristics will be explained and worked on in

combination.

2. Justice

• Turn-takingwill begoingonand clientswillgive because they know that they

willbereceivingnext.

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• Thiswillrevealacomponentoffairnessandstability.

3. Empathy

• Theideathat“Igetthisdefensemechanismthatyouhavegoingon.”

• Each person understands their own pain and defense and their partner’s pain

anddefense.

• Itnolongerprovokesthecoupleintoconflictbecausetheyunderstandtheydo

nothavetorespond in thatwayeverytime- therearemoresatisfyingwaysto

respond.

4. Trust/Trustworthiness

• Bothspousesmustexerciseeachatthesametime.

5. Forgiveness

• Notintermsofaone-timedeclaration.

• Becomingapersonwhoembodiestheideaofforgiveness.

• Forgivenessisnotjustaconclusion,thisisabeginningofconversationbecause

forgivenessmakestheconversationsafe.

• Thistakesthefearoutofadiscussionofeachperson’sinjuries.

H. ANewCycle

1. Thefirstinternalcycleofpain,defenseandinjurycanbereplaced.

2. Anewoutercycleofjustice,empathy,trustworthiness,forgivenesscanemerge.

3. Couplescanchoosetostayinthisnew,outercircle.

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LOTR102:

CounselingStrategiesthatWorkfor

theEmotionallyDestructiveMarriage

Part1

LeslieVernick,M.S.W.

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AbstractCounselors and church leaders have often failed to recognize the signs of an emotionally

destructivemarriage.Normalmarital counseling strategiesdonotworkwith thispopulation.

The Bible cautions us about destructive relationship patterns and provides clear biblical

guidelines to facilitate reconciliation when serious sin has been perpetrated. Reactive and

controlling abuse take many forms, including rage, constant criticism, ridicule, demeaning

another,coercion,accusationsandmore.Theseassaultsontheemotionsandwell-beingofthe

victimcanhavelong-termeffectsandleadtoothertypesofabuse.Lesliedefinesthenatureof

theprobleminlookingatdestructivebehaviorswithinamarriage.

LearningObjectives

1. Participantswill beable tounderstand thehumancondition, relationshipsand the fall of

humankind.

2. Participantswillinvestigateabasicbiblicalmodelofcounselingandauniqueperspectiveon

humanhistory.

3. Participants will develop an understanding of a godly orientation, attitude, location and

relationshipwithincounseling.

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I. OpeningStatements

A. The purpose of this lecture is to provide practical ways to respond to a man or a

womaninadestructivemarriage

1. Learnhowtorespondinagodly,life-affirmingway.

2. Bringhopeandhealing.

B. Menareindestructivemarriagestoo

1. Theuseofmaleandfemalepronounsisusedonlyfortime’ssake.

2. Thespeakerisnotdiscountingthatmenareindestructivemarriages.

II. SeeingIt

"Therangeofwhatwethinkanddoislimitedbywhatwefailtonotice.Andbecause

wefailtonoticethatwefailtonotice,there is littlewecandotochange;untilwe

noticehowfailingtonoticeshapesourthoughtsanddeeds.”—R.D.Laing

A. Illustration:DavidandBathsheba

1. Ifthecameforyoutoday,howwouldyouformadiagnosis?

2. It could be easy for the counselor to jump to conclusions: sexual issues, guilt, or

grief.

3. TherewasanimbalanceofpowerintherelationshipbetweenDavidandBathsheba.

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• BathshebaneverwantedtomarryDavid.

• Bathshebawasraped.

• Read the story in the Scriptures – David saw Bathsheba, summoned her, and

tookher.

• BathshebagrievedherhusbandafterDavidhadhimkilled.

• This is confirmedbyNathan theProfit–he toldDavid thathe tooksomething

thatwasnothis.

4. Itistypicaltofailtonoticethispartofthestory.

B. IllustrationTwo:MedicalDiagnosis

1. Womanwithnaggingcoughandfatigueismisdiagnosedtwice

2. Medicationtwicedidnotmakeherwell,andsheinsteadgrewsicker

3. Thewomandiagnosedwithbronchitisactuallyhadlungcancer

4. Ifthediagnosisiswrong,thetreatmentwillbeimpotent

C. Ifyouareseeingacoupleandtheyarenotgettingbetter,butgettingworse–itistime

tore-evaluate

1. Thisisimportantforallcounselors.

2. Howyouseeacouple’sproblemwilldeterminethetreatmentplanyougivethem.

3. Wecannotdiagnosewhatwecannotsee.

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D. Diagnosis:What’sWrong?

1. DifficultMarriages

• Thereareissuespushinginonthemarriage.

• They could be issues with in-laws, ex-spouses, health challenges, financial

setbacks, personality differences, disagreements on core values, or other

difficulties.

• Thiscouplemayhavefrequentarguments,disagreementsandconflicts.

• Howtheyhandlethesedifferenceswilldeterminethecourseoftherelationship.

• Withtherighttools,difficultwillnotturnintodestructive.

2. DisappointingMarriages

• Noteveryonehas“all52cardsinadeck.”

• Many individuals long for an “A+” relationship but find themselves in a “C”

marriage.

• There could be disappointment, jealousy, and other negative emotions

surroundinganunmetdesireorexpectation.

3. DestructiveMarriages

• Marriagesmaybecomedestructiveovertimeorarelationshipmayhavesignsof

destructionfromthebeginning.

• A destructive marriage is one in which the very personhood of another is

regularlydiminished,dismissed,disrespectedordemeaned.

• Thereisalackofaccountabilityandnoresponsibilityaccepted.

• Inadestructivemarriage,someonefeelsasiftheyaredyinginside.

• Thereisalackoffreedomtobeoneselforaseparateperson.

• Thereisalackofsafetyandabilitytosetboundarieswithoutaheavypricetobe

paid.

• Thereisoftenchronicdeceit.

• 1in4Christianwomenreportsomesortofabuseintheirclosestrelationships.

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E. FiveTypesofDestructiveBehaviors

1. ReactiveAbuse

• Thisoccurswhenonespouseisunabletomanagehis/herstressinamatureway.

• Theindividualdoesnotstoptothinkabouthowtoreact,butinsteadexplodes.

• TheBiblewarnsusinEphesians4:26a,“Beangry,andyetdonotsin.”(NASB)

• Reactiveabusersoftenblameotherswithouttakingpersonalresponsibility.

• Thedeceptivepartofthistypeofthinkingisthesmallthreadoftruthwithinit,

buttheoverallideologyiscompletefantasy.

• Reactiveabusecanbedonebyoneorbothspouses.

• Reactiveabuseisveryharmfultochildrenwhowatchitinafamilysystem.

• Inreactiveabuse,thepersondoesnothavepoweroveranotherperson-butthat

doesnotminimizethelethalityofthistypeofabuse.

2. ControllingAbuse

• Ahealthycoupleworkstogetherandmutuallysubmitsforthegoodofboth.

• Controllingabuselookslikereactiveabuse,butadifferenceistheabuser’sbelief

thattheabuseddoesnothavetherighttomakeadecisionthathe/shedisagrees

with.

• Biblicalheadshipvs.takingcontrolandforcingsubmission.

• Biblicalheadshipvs.havingnochoicesofone’sown.

• Agravecounselingareaistofeedcontrollingabusebyinsinuatingthatit isthe

wife’s responsibility to manage her husband’s emotions – this endorses the

misbeliefthathegetstomaketherulesbywhichshelives.

• Types of Controlling Abuse: Physical, Verbal/Emotional, Economic, Spiritual,

Sexual.

• Physicalabuseistypicallyeffectivealone,butcombinedtypesofabusefromthe

listabovecanbedevastating.

• Silencebycounselorsandotherleadersgivesemotionalbulliespermission.

• Emotionalabuseisfarmorepainfulthatphysicalabuse.

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• Emotional abuse includes ridicule, constant criticism, withholding, ignoring,

minimizingfeelings,nonverbalcues,denyingone’srealityandchronicdeceit.

"Whatweare looking foras cliniciansare repetitivebehaviors that escalate in

frequencyandintensity,andtheyareoftenaccompaniedbyalackofawareness,

alackofremorseandalackofsignificantchance.”—LeslieVernick

• ScripturerepeatedlyshowsGod’sdisdainforthistypeofbehavior.

3. ChronicDeceit

• Addictionsoftenfallintothiscategory.

• Often, thedeceitunderlyingtheaddiction ismoredestructivetoarelationship

thantheaddictionitself.

4. EmotionalDependency

5. ChronicIndifference

• Oneofthemostunrecognized,butseriousformsofemotionalabuse.

• Inamarriage,bothpeoplepromisetolove.

• Beingmarrieddoesnotgiveahusbandtherighttogratifysexualneedoutsideof

relationship,asthewifeisnotabodytousebutapartnertolove.

F. ThreeImportantCharacteristicsofaHealthyRelationship

1. Mutuality

• Mutualcompassion

• Mutualhonesty

• Mutualrespect

• Mutualresponsibility

• Mutualrepentance

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“The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her

husband.Thewifedoesnothaveauthorityoverherownbody,butthehusbanddoes;

and likewisealso thehusbanddoesnothaveauthorityoverhisownbody,but the

wifedoes.Stopdeprivingoneanother,exceptbyagreementforatime,sothatyou

may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satanwill not

temptyoubecauseofyourlackofself-control.”

—1Corinthians7:3-5

2. Reciprocity

• Ahealthyrelationshipisoneinwhichbothpartnersgiveandbothreceive.

• Thereisasafeandopenexchangeofthoughtsandideasandallperspectivesare

valued.

“TheChristianteachingonmarriagedoesnotofferusachoicebetweenfulfillment

andsacrificebutrathermutualfulfillmentthroughmutualsacrifice.”—TimKeller

3. Freedom

• There is freedom to respectfully challenge and disagree with one another

withoutfearofretaliationordanger.

G. ImportantQuestionsEveryCounselorMustAsk(When?Where?Why?)

1. Haveyoueverbeenthreatenedorphysicallyhurtinthisrelationship?

2. Haveyoueverbeenanunwillingparticipantinasexualact?

3. Haveyoueverfeltfearfularoundyourpartner?

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4. Aretheretimesyoudon’ttrustyourpartner’shonesty?

5. Doyouhavethefreedomtobeyourself,makedecisions,giveyourinputandsayno

tothings?

H. Iftheansweris“yes”toanyofthesequestions,followupwith:

1. Whenwasthefirsttime?

2. Whenwasthelasttime?

3. Whatisatypicaltime?

4. Whatwastheworsttime?

5. Whileaskingthesequestions,youmustbeonthe lookout for imbalanceofpower

andcontrolaswellaspatternsofabusive/destructivebehaviorsoftenescalatingin

frequencyandintensityovertime.

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Endnotes

1MarkA.Hubble,BarryL.Duncan,andScottD.Miller,TheHeart&SoulofChange:WhatWorks

inTherapy(Washington,DC:AmericanPsychologicalAssociation,1999).

2BarryL.Duncan,ScottD.Miller,BruceE.Wampold,andMarkA.Hubble,TheHeart&Soulof

Change: Delivering What Works in Therapy. (Washington, DC: American Psychological

Association,2010).

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LOTR103:

CounselingStrategiesthatWorkfor

theEmotionallyDestructiveMarriage

Part2

LeslieVernick,M.S.W.

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AbstractChangeandhealingbeginwith acknowledgement andhumilityon thepart of the abuser, as

well as a tangible and practical plan of action to restore themarriage. In this presentation,

Leslie discusses a proven four-stage treatmentmodel that addresses issues of sanity, sanity,

stabilityandsecurity,andleadstoalastingchangeoftheheartandone’shabits.

LearningObjectives

1. Participantswillbeable todescribe thesigns thatan individualor couple is ready for

change,orthe“fruitsofrepentance.”

2. Participantswillexaminehowsafetyandsanityarecultivatedinarelationship.

3. Participantswilllearnthemostcommonmistakescounselorsmakewhenworkingwith

situationsofmaritalabuse.

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I. WhatMakesMarriagesUnabletoHeal?

A. Blindness,NotBrokenness

B. Unwillingness

1. Tosee

2. Toconfess

3. Togethelp

4. MosesandJesuscalledit“hardnessofheart.”

C. Unconditionallovedoesnotmeanunconditionalrelationship(Isaiah59:2-5).

D. BrokenCovenant

1. Marriage is a covenant relationship, but it’s not an unconditional covenantmade

onlybyoneperson,butacovenantbasedonpromisesmadebybothparties.

2. Whenonepersonrepeatedlybreaksthecovenantpromises–tolove,honor,protect

andbefaithful,whathappenstothecovenant?

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II. StoppingItStageOne:Safety

““TheyhavehealedthebrokennessofMypeoplesuperficially,

Saying,‘Peace,peace,’

Butthereisnopeace.”

—Jeremiah6:14

A. Goals

1. For theCounselor:Help the individual or couple stop the abusive anddestructive

patternsfromcontinuing.Assessfordanger.

2. ForHer:Validateherbiblicalrighttosafety.Helpherdevelopasafetyplan.

“Aprudentmanseesevilandhideshimself,

Thenaiveproceedandpaythepenalty..”

—Proverbs27:12

3. ForHim:Willingnesstobeaccountable,willingnesstosubmittoanauthorityother

thanhimself,willingnesstolearnself-control,acceptanceoftheconsequencesfor

failuretocomply.Hisinternalcontrolsarenotoperative.Heneedsexternalcontrols.

B. LethalityChecklist–HowDANGEROUSistheSituation?

1. D–Divorceorseparation?

2. A–Alcoholordruguse?

3. N–Narcissistictendencies?

4. G–Gunsandweaponsavailable?

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5. E–Emotionallyunstable(previoushistory)?

6. R–Rebellious,unwillingtobeaccountableorreceivehelp?

7. O–Otherviolentbehaviorsinthepast?

8. U–UnpredictableDr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde?

9. S–Suicidalorhomicidalthreats?

C. MustPractice:AgreementtoBeginImplementingSafetyPlan

1. Timeouts

2. Respectingstatedboundaries

3. Identifyingtriggerpointsanddevelopingasafetyplan

4. Thefreedomtosaynowithoutbeingbulliedorbadgered

5. Learningtotoleratenegativeemotionswithoutresortingtoabuse

D. SafetyisNonNegotiable

1. Thetherapistmayneedtobetough.

• Thisisnotthetimetobe“toonice”oroverlyaccommodating.

• Thisstepmustbeprioritized.

• Remember as the counselor that you are the expert and you determine the

treatmentplan.

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2. Separationmaybeanimportantpartofthesafetyplanifhewillnot“do”whathe’s

promised.

• ThiscanbedifficulttoacceptasChristians.

• Separationcanbeapowerfulwake-upcall.

3. Painisinstructive–ifyouletitbe.

“Yourownconductandactionshavebroughtthisuponyou.Thisisyourpunishment.

Howbitteritis.Howitpiercestotheheart”

—Jeremiah4:18

III. STOPPINGITSTAGETWO:SANITY

A. HelptheCoupletoSeeClearly

1. Counselingmayneedtobeseparated.

• Referhimtoacolleagueforindividualcounseling.

2. Separatecounselorsmayneedtocommunicate.

3. Remembertheseriousnatureoftheproblem.

B. GoalsforHer

1. Seeclearly.

2. Developcorestrengths.

3. Understandherproperrole.

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4. Helpherdetermineherdealbreakers.

5. Documentevidencewhereneeded.

C. HelpHerSeeClearly

“Whenyoureyeisgood,yourwholebodyisfilledwithlight.Butwhenyoureyeis

bad,yourwholebodyisfilledwithdarkness.Andifthelightyouthinkyouhaveis

actuallydarkness,howdeepthatdarknessis.”

—Matthew6:23

D. HelpHerDevelopHerCOREStrengths

1. Thevalueofcorestrengths:

• Helpherseewhatdefinesher.

• HelpherestablishCOREvalueswhichwillstrengthenhertonotonlystopbeinga

victim and an enabler, but will empower her to invite her spouse to healthy

change.

2. C: I will be committed to truth, both internally in my own heart and mind and

externally.Irefusetopretendorliveinfantasy.

3. O: I will be open to the Holy Spirit and wise others, growing me, teaching me,

maturingme,andguidingmeintoHiswayoflivingmylife.

4. R:Iwillberesponsibleformyownresponsestodestructivebehaviorandcommitto

beingrespectfulwithoutdishonoringmyself.

• Donotbeovercomewithevil,butovercomeevilwithgood.

• Helptheabusednotbecomeanabuserherselfduetotheangerandhurtinside.

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5. E: Iwillbeempathicandcompassionatetowardotherswithoutenablingpeopleto

continuetoabuseanddisrespectme.

• Strongcompassionshouldbepairedwithstrongconsequences.

E. HelpHerUnderstandHerProperRole

1. “Try harder” is some of the worst advice that can be given to a woman in a

destructivemarriage.

• This feeds the abuser’s lies that she, not he, is responsible for his emotional

reactions.

2. Understandwhytryinghardertobethe“goodwife”doesnotwork.

• Itcolludeswithhisdelusionthatit’sherproblemthathegetsabusive.

• Hebelievesifshewereonlymore_______hewouldn’ttreatherthatway.

• Thatsheistotallyresponsibleforhisemotionalreaction.

3. Helpherputhermarriageinitsproperplace.

• UnderneathGod,notaboveGod.

• Trulylovingone’sspouseinabiblical,strongwaymaycreatecrisisforhim.

• Ahelpmate isnotanenabler,buta strongwarriorwho fights inGod’sway to

bringaboutherhusband’sgood.

• Lovecouldlooklikesettingboundaries,exposingsin,callingthepolice,orother

consequences.

F. HelpHerDetermineHerDealBreakers

• Whatneedstohappenforhertobeengagedintherelationship?

• Whataretheconsequences?

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G. DetermineEvidenceasNeeded

H. SanityforHim

1. Hemustlearntoseehiswifeasahumanbeingtolove,notanobjecttocontrol.

• Sheisseparateandherneedsareseparate.

2. Hemustbegintoseeandtakeresponsibilityforhisownactionsandattitudesand

stopblaminghiswife.Hisfantasiesmustbechallenged.Forexample:

• “I should be entitled to theperks of a greatmarriage and lovingwifewithout

puttingintheworkrequired.”

• “If my wife loves and respects me, she will never disagree or challenge my

decisions.”

• “It doesn’tmatter how I treat her, shewould bewilling to have sexwithme

wheneverIwant.”

• “IfIlosemytemperandtreatherpoorlyit’sherfault.Sheinterruptedme.”

3. Is he listening? Teachable? Able to realize that he’s wrong? Help him develop

empathyandcompassionforthosehe’shurt.

I. TheFiveCsofChange

1. Clarity:Heseesclearlythatheispartoftheproblem.Noblaming,nominimizingor

avoidingresponsibility.

2. Commitment:HeiscommittedtoGod,hisspouseandhimselftodowhatittakesto

learnhowtobeabetterman.

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3. Community: He invites trusted others to give him feedback and hold him

accountableforthechangeshewantstomake.

4. Confession:Heisabletoarticulatethewrongshehasdoneinhismarriageandtake

responsibilityforthem.

5. Consequences: He understands that negative consequences often follow sinful

behaviorsanddoesnotexpectamnesty,instanttrustorrestorationofthemarriage.

J. TransitionfromStage2to3

1. InStages1and2wearelookingforachangeofheart.

• Aheart that is broken, humble,willing to be taught,willing towork hard and

willingtomakeamends.

2. InStages3and4we’relookingforachangeinhabits.

• In the next two stages,we aremoving from external controls and developing

moreinternalself-control.

• Weareworkingthetruthstheyhaveacceptedandlearned,intotheirhabits.

IV. STOPPINGITSTAGETHREE:STABILITY

“Proveby theway that you live that youhave repentedof your sin and turned to

God.”

—Luke3:8

A. Goals

1. Main Goal: Living from COREwith one another and their accountability partners.

Develop the internal controls to continue safety and sanity within the marital

relationship.

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2. ForBoth:

• Abilitytorecognizeandowntheirproblem(seeclearly)

• Willingtoreceivefeedbackfromothershumbly(teachable)

• Respectandcareforthepersonhoodoftheother(safetyandsanity)

• Willingnesstoworkhardoverthelongterm(createsstability)

3. ForHer:

• Buildnewtrust

• Letgoofresentmentsandfears

4. ForHim:

• Continuedaccountability tooutsidepeople forchanges tobemade, sins tobe

confessedandamendstobemade

• Developingcompassionandempathy

• Learningandpracticingnewwaysofrelating

B. StabilityHingesonCreatingaNewHistory

C. NecessaryChangesforaDestructivePerson:SevenDipsofHealingfrom2Kings5

1. Heneedstolearnhowtosubmittoothersinsteadofalwaysdemandingone’sown

way.Thisinvolvesgivingupcontrol,puttinghim/herselfunderanother’sauthority─

thegroup,thechurch,thecounselor,thelaw.

2. He needs new skills in problem solving. He has used power and control,

manipulationand/ordeceitasthewaytosolveproblems.Nowhemustlearnnew

waysofmakingdecisionslikecompromise,sharingpower,cooperationandmutual

submission.

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3. Heneedstolearnhowtoappropriatelyexpressfeelingswithoutabuse,intimidation

ormanipulation.

4. Heneedstolearntoallowhispartnertobeseparateandsayno,disagreeanddiffer

with him without labeling it disrespectful, getting enraged, or feeling terrified of

abandonment.

5. Heneedstolearnhowtospeakdirectlyaboutwhatheneedsandtotrustothersare

thereandcare.

6. Hemust learn how to handle the hurt anddisappointment that inherently comes

whenpeoplewhocare forus fail and letusdown.Hemust learn to rest inGod’s

lovebecausehumanloveisneverenough.

7. HeneedstotrustGodtomeethisneedsaswellas learntotakethe initiativeand

responsibility tomeet his own needs rather than demanding that another person

alwaysdoso.

V. STOPPINGITSTAGEFOUR:SECURITY

“She(he)bringshim(her)goodnotharmallthedaysofherlife.”

—Proverbs31:12

A. Goal

1. Todeepenintimacyastrustisestablished.

2. Toworkonproblemsolvingskills,emotionalintimacyandcontinuedpracticeofnew

habits.

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B. LivinginaNewMindset

“Anddonotbe conformed to thisworld, butbe transformedby the renewingof your

mind,sothatyoumayprovewhatthewillofGodis,thatwhichisgoodandacceptable

andperfect.”

—Romans12:2

C. CommonMistakesPeopleHelpersMakeinWorkingwithMaritalAbuse

1. Wrongdiagnosis/wrongtreatmentplan.

2. Notprioritizingsafetyandsanity/orattemptingmarriagecounselingwhenyouonly

haveonewillingclient.

3. Encouragingthewomantotryharder.

4. Becomingabenevolentrescuer.

5. Notinsistingonthefruitsofrepentancebeforeinitiatingreconciliation.

D. FruitsofRepentance

1. Acceptsfullresponsibilityforactionsandattitudes–noblaming.

2. Recognizeseffectsofactionsonothersandshowsempathyforthepainhe/shehas

caused.

3. Acceptsconsequenceswithoutdemandsorconditions.

4. Makesamendsfordamage.

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5. Continuestolearnandgrowinhealthyrelationshipskills

6. Willingtomakeconsistentchangesoverthelongterm

7. Consistentlyaccountable

Endnote

1ThomasNagel,TheLastWord(NewYork,NewYork:OxfordUniversityPress,1997).

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Copyright2015LightUniversity

AllRightsReserved.

Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproducedinanyformwithouttheexpressedwritten

permissionofLightUniversityortheAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselors.

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