living derangements

7/27/2019 Living Derangements

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LIVING DERANGEMENTS

"We'll Call That Plan B"

Written by

Scott Frederick

SCOTT FREDERICKFIRST DRAFT

July 12, 2013



INT. CHARLES' APARTMENT - EVENING

CHARLES, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY HIS AIR CONDITIONER WON'TWORK. GORDON PACING, THEODORE READING A NEWSPAPER.

GORDON

I'm tired of this indecision!

CHARLES

We’re just trying to agree on a

restaurant. Jeez, be patient.

GORDON

I'm tired of patience! I'm patience

impatient!

THEODORE

You can't be patience impatient.

GORDON

Why not?

THEODORE

Well, obviously, it's self-negating.

CHARLES

Oh brother. Here we go.

GORDON

What do you mean, 'self-negating'?

THEODORE

It's self-negating. Like matter and

anti-matter.

CHARLES

I can't believe I'm listening to this.



GORDON

What? He's in command of the

situation. He's like the Julius Caesar

of dinner plans.

CHARLES

Sounds about right. Julius Caesar was

stabbed to death by the people

standing right next to him.

THEODORE

Mot du Jour. New French place. We'll

try it out.

CHARLES

Okay, dictator of dining, but if this

place is no good then it's the Ides of

March for you!

GORDON

I don't get it.

THEODORE

Ides of March is the time of year when

Caesar was stabbed to death.

CHARLES

How about that. Every once in a while

you get something right.

GORDON

What time of the year is the Ides of

March?

"We'll Call That Plan B" 3.



THEODORE

Late February, I think. It's named

after his wife, Ides.

CHARLES

Yep. Every once in a while...

THEY EXIT. THE AIR CONDITIONER OUTLET BEGINS TO SHOOT SPARKS.

INT - MOT DU JOUR RESTAURANT - EVENING

UPSCALE. THE TRIO BEING SEATED, HANDED MENUS BY THE WAITER.

CHARLES

Thank you.

THEODORE

Yes, mare-see boo coop.

THE WAITER LEAVES.

GORDON

Hey, your French is pretty good!

CHARLES

Oh, you're not going to pretend you

can speak French again, are you?

THEODORE

I am multilingual. You are just

jealous.

CHARLES

Oh yeah? Then say “jealous” in French.

GORDON

Don't take the bait.




CHARLES

It's not bait!

THEODORE

That's perfectly alright. I'll have

you know that it's the same word in

both languages.

CHARLES

Jealous. Is the same word in both

languages.

THEODORE

Yes.

CHARLES

French and English.

THEODORE

Yes.

CHARLES

No it isn't.

THEODORE

Do you speak French?

CHARLES

No. And neither do you.

GORDON EATS A BREAD STICK. MAKES A MESS.

GORDON(mouth full)

Mmm, these are great!




CHARLES

You're shooting crumbs all over the

place! You're like a machine gun over

there!

THEODORE

Alright, okay, so do we talk about it

now or wait until we have our meals?

CHARLES

The inheritance? We talk about it now.

GORDON

What if we can't agree? Dinner will be

ruined!

CHARLES

Look, why can't we just sell the

place?

THEODORE

It's a nice place!

GORDON

It is a nice place.

CHARLES

If we sold it, we'd each get over six

hundred thousand dollars! Neither one

of you earns any money -

GORDON

There he goes again, lording it over

us.




THEODORE

We're between jobs.

GORDON

Between jobs.

CHARLES

You could live anywhere you want with

600 grand!

GORDON

But it's a nice place!

THEODORE

A lovely place.

GORDON(re: Theodore)

If we sell, the two of us would have

to move.

THEODORE

And if none of us live there, then

none of us get the monthly checks he

left us in the will.

GORDON

The checks!

THEODORE

We like having a roof over our heads,

and free money coming in every month.

GORDON

Yeah. No sale.

CHARLES

Oh, come on!




GORDON

There, see? You're upset. Your dinner

is ruined!

INT. ANNIE APARTMENT - LATER

CHARLES VISITS HIS GIRLFRIEND ANNIE AFTER DINNER. RELAXING ONTHE COUCH WITH WINE.

ANNIE

So that's it?

CHARLES

That's it. No sale.

ANNIE

Wow. Those guys are idiots. I'd do

anything for six hundred grand.

CHARLES

Would you dump me?

ANNIE

I’d toss you under a moving bus and

forget all about ya.

SHE KISSES HIM.

CHARLES

So I'm still stuck in this situation

with these two guys! Oh, you should

have heard them over dinner, these

loons. Theodore insisted daylight

savings is a form of time travel.

ANNIE

Really.




CHARLES

He had the math.

ANNIE

And did the math make sense?

CHARLES

None whatsoever. He invented something

called 'addiplucation'.

ANNIE

'Addiplucation'. What do you do with

that?

CHARLES

I don't know. Addiply, I guess.

ANNIE

He still insists on going by his full

name? No Ted or Teddy?

CHARLES

Theodore. Yep. Spoke French throughout

the entire meal.

ANNIE

Theodore speaks French?

CHARLES

Nope. He ordered in French and the

waiter ended up bringing him a fried

egg, a bra, and a photo of Stalin.

ANNIE

What'd he do?




CHARLES

Ate the egg and tried to convince me

Stalin was a transvestite.

PHONE RINGS. ANNIE ANSWERS IT.

ANNIE

Hello?...Huh. It's your landlord or

something.

HANDS CHARLES THE PHONE.

CHARLES

Hello? ... What!? I'll be right there!

HE THROWS THE PHONE DOWN, PUTS ON HIS JACKET.

ANNIE

What’s going on?

CHARLES

My apartment’s on fire!

INT. MANSION ENTRY - LATER

ONCE ELEGANT, NOW LIVED IN AND MAN-CAVEISH. THEODORE DESCENDSTHE STAIRCASE AS GORDON ARGUES WITH THE BUTLER.

BUTLER

You can't fire me, you know that.

GORDON

But I just did!

THEODORE

It's stipulated in the will, Gordon.

As long as he does his ... buttling,

we can't fire him.




GORDON

He won't do what I tell him! He's the

butler, he has to do what I tell him.

BUTLER

He asked me to do something completely

unacceptable.

GORDON

A man has needs!

THEODORE

Never mind all of you. Did I hear the

doorbell just now?

BUTLER

I was on my way to answer it, but I

was asked to disrobe and then -

GORDON(interrupts)

- no no no, that's okay. We're cool.

THEODORE

Well, answer the door then. I'm

waiting for the latest delivery from

my Odd Meats of the World club.

THE BUTLER UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. ANNIE AND CHARLESENTER WITH HIS LUGGAGE.

BUTLER

Welcome, oh visitor, to Shangri-la!

CHARLES(eye roll)

They still makin' you say that dumb

crap?




BUTLER

Yes they are, Charles.

THEODORE

No first names!

GORDON

Yeah, we agreed!

BUTLER

Yes they are still making me say that

dumb crap, sir.

CHARLES

Hang in there.

THEODORE

Charles. You're not my delivery of odd

meat!

CHARLES

I'll agree with you on that.

GORDON

What brings you here? Normally you

only see us, what, twice a year?

THEODORE

Yes, to fail at convincing us to sell

the house.

CHARLES

Well, you two were going on and on

about what a lovely house this was,

and it got me thinking.


(MORE)



Why don't I just save my money and

move in with you two?

THEODORE

That will destroy the equilibrium!

GORDON

Equilibrium!

CHARLES

Yep, it sure will be good to see my

third of this place again. Been a

while.

GORDON

I thought you liked having an

apartment.

CHARLES

Yeah, it burned down.

THEODORE

Burned down?

CHARLES

Electrical fire.

GORDON

That's ridiculous. Electricity can't

catch on fire! It’s electric!

THEODORE

I'm certain electricity can catch on

fire!

CHARLES

This should work out well.


CHARLES (CONT'D)



INT. THEODORE'S ROOM - LATER

THEODORE USHERS GORDON INTO HIS SLOPPY ROOM.

THEODORE

We exist under a veil of secrecy!

GORDON LOOKS UP FOR THE VEIL.

THEODORE (CONT’D)

No you idiot. Metaphorically.

GORDON

I have no idea what you're talking

about.

THEODORE

It's about - Charles!

GORDON

Oh, yeah. Tough break with the

apartment, huh?

THEODORE

Is it? Issss it?

GORDON

Well I ... what are you getting at?

THEODORE PACES LIKE A LAWYER QUESTIONING A WITNESS.

THEODORE

Is it not true that we have been left

co-ownership of a huge home and

estate?

GORDON

If I say yes, does that mean I think

it's not true?




THEODORE

What?

GORDON

You said, is it not true -

THEODORE

Never mind! We co-own this house with

Charles, correct?

GORDON

Eeeeeeeyup.

THEODORE

And Charles wants us to sell the

place. Correct?

GORDON

Sure thing. For a lot of money, too.

THEODORE

Forget the money! He can't get us to

sell, right? Then suddenly he wants to

move in with us. I submit that

something is rotten in the state of

Denmark!

GORDON

Where in Denmark is something rotten?

THEODORE

I think their capital is France.

GORDON

Why not say something is rotten in

France?




THEODORE

None of this matters! Look, I think

Charles is trying to make us

uncomfortable living here by moving in

with us.

GORDON

Oh, I kinda like having him here.

Especially if he keeps bringing that

Annie around, she's quite the peach...

THEODORE

No! He's trying to manipulate us! Do

you like being manipulated?

GORDON

Well, I don't really have an opinion -

THEODORE

No! You do not like being manipulated!

Do you understand those words, as I

pour them into your supple, willing

brain?

GORDON

Okay.

THEODORE

We must learn what his plan is, and

then -

BUTLER ENTERS WITH A TRAY OF SLICED CANDY BARS, CREATIVELYPRESENTED.




THEODORE (CONT’D)

You're late with my evening sliced

candy bar platter!

BUTLER

We do have a new resident, sir. I've

been busy preparing his chambers.

THEODORE

Never be late with my platter again!

Milky Way?

BUTLER

Yes.

THEODORE

Snickers?

BUTLER

As usual.

THEODORE

Twix, both mini and jumbo?

BUTLER

Of course sir.

THEODORE

Leave us!

BUTLER

Of course sir.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

CHARLES, GIVING ANNIE THE TOUR. THOUGH SHE’S BEEN HEREBEFORE.




CHARLES

The kitchen, madame. Since you eat out

so often, I thought you'd like to know

what one looked like.

ANNIE

Make me a sammich so I can watch the

game, woman!

CHARLES

Yeah, I don't know how to feel about

that.

ANNIE

You should feel like making me a

sammich, woman!

CHARLES

Yeah, that's not workin' for me.

SHE LAUGHS, OPENS THE FRIDGE. BUTLER ENTERS, IS PLEASED TO

SEE CHARLES AND ANNIE.

BUTLER

Well! A pleasant surprise to see you

both.

CHARLES

Givin' her the tour. What do they have

you doing?

BUTLER

Delivering sliced candy bars.

CHARLES

And nobody chewed off your serving

hand?




BUTLER

I've grown agile over the past few

years.

ANNIE TAKES A BOTTLE OF ICED TEA FROM THE FRIDGE.

ANNIE

Can I take this?

BUTLER

Theodore absolutely loves that iced

tea. So yes, feel free.

CHARLES

Say, if I gave my entire savings

account to you, would you quit this

job?

BUTLER

Oh, I stay here out of loyalty to Mr.

White. His memory, at least. We all

know what a wonderful man he was.

CHARLES

Yeah, the guy gave me one third of

this house just for helping him find a

book at a bookstore. I had no idea who

he was.

BUTLER

He would have wanted me to remain here

and protect this home from those -

strays.




ANNIE

Ouch. No love lost for those guys,

huh.

BUTLER

They believe that Charles has moved in

here in an effort to drive them out. I

happened to accidentally overhear them

say as much, as I eavesdropped on them

from the hallway.

CHARLES

Really! Thick as thieves, those two

are. We might need to do something

about that.

ANNIE

Whaddaya got in mind, Machiavelli?

CHARLES

Depends on what you're willing to do,

Mata Hari...

INT. MANSION ENTRY - NEXT DAY

NOW IMMACULATE. ANNIE AND THE BUTLER ARE DUSTING TWO WHITEVASES WHEN THEODORE COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.

THEODORE

Butler! Oh butler! It is time for my

root beer foot bath and ankle

scraping! Nothing off-brand this time,

I prefer the good stuff.(reacts)

What sort of madness is this?!




ANNIE

What? What madness?

GORDON COMES DOWN THE STAIRS AS THEODORE STALKS TOWARD ANNIE.

THEODORE

What madness? Harpie!

GORDON

What's a harpie?

CHARLES ENTERS FROM ANOTHER ROOM.

THEODORE

It's what they call angels who can't

play their harps.

CHARLES

Oh for God's sakes no it isn't.

BUTLER

I cleaned by order of Master Charles,

sir.

CHARLES(grinning)

My order. Boy, do I love living here.

GORDON(noticing)

Hey, it looks nice in here!

ANNIE

Pretty good, huh?

GORDON(to Theodore)

Hey, why don't we ever keep it this

clean?




THEODORE

Because we are men!

CHARLES

Debatable, but go on.

THEODORE

Cleanliness is a sign of feminine

weakness! Also, vertigo and gout.

CHARLES

Man, I gotta meet your doctor.

THEODORE

I don't have a doctor. Medicine is a

scam.

GORDON

We have little tables in here?

ANNIE(cute)

Two of them. With vases on them.

GORDON(cuter)

We have little vase-tables in here?

Theodore, look! They're adorable!

THEODORE

Man up, Gordon!

GORDON

But, but, but Theodore!

CHARLES

Trust me, Theodore's got more than

enough butt.




THEODORE

Oh, ha ha, you foul interloper.

GORDON

What's an interloper?

CHARLES

It's a trespasser.

THEODORE

It is a type of antelope, don't listen

to him and his lies!

CHARLES

Why would he call me an antelope?

BUTLER(to Theodore)

Sir, it is time for your root beer

foot bath.

THEODORE

Of course. But this isn't over yet. I

know you're doing this to drive us

out!

ANNIE

What, tidying up the place?

THEODORE

Precisely. But I'm one leg up on you,

sister!

ANNIE(recoils)

Eww.




CHARLES

Yeah, that's not a pleasant image.

THEODORE

You'll never get my share, Charles!

Now come, butler! And bring - the

sponges of inter-toe pleasures!

BUTLER

Yes sir.

CHARLES

That's an even worse image.

BUTLER

How much did you say you had in your

savings account?

CHARLES

Three hundred and eleven dollars. And

seven cents.

BUTLER

You might have a deal.

BUTLER FOLLOWS THEODORE UP THE STAIRS.

GORDON

Well, I’m headed out for a Little

League game.

ANNIE

Oh yeah? What team do you coach?




GORDON

Coach? I play third base! They were

really desperate for players this

year. See ya later - looks great in

here!

GORDON EXITS. CHARLES AND ANNIE TURN TO EACH OTHER, LOUDLYWHISPERING, EXCITED CONSPIRATORS.

CHARLES

See what I mean? One of them is

getting root beer poured on him by a

grown man -

ANNIE

- and the other one is out batting

third behind two seven year olds.

CHARLES

They’re loons!

ANNIE

You were right, Theodore is completely

freaked out by all things sanitary.

CHARLES

Yeah, we gotta keep turning the screws

without being obvious about it.

ANNIE

Let’s clean the upstairs bathroom

next.




CHARLES

That’ll drive Theodore through the

roof! If something that heavy can get

airborne in the first place.

GORDON RETURNS. THEY STOP THEIR EXCITED CHATTER, WONDERINGWHAT HE’S HEARD.

GORDON

I totally forgot, I played Little

League last year.

HE SHUFFLES OUT OF THE ROOM AS ANNIE AND CHARLES WATCH.

CHARLES

See what I mean? What the hell was

that?

GORDON COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM.

GORDON

Listen, I’ve been thinkin’.

CHARLES

You sure about that?

GORDON

You two, you’re really nice guys.

ANNIE

Well, as a guy, thanks.

GORDON

Yeah. And I know Theodore does not

want to sell the place. I mean he does

not want to sell.

CHARLES

Yeah, I got that.




GORDON

But I’ve been thinkin’. Maybe it’s not

such a bad idea to sell.

CHARLES

Really?

GORDON

Yeah. Fresh start, you know? With a

lot of money. Maybe get a girl.

ANNIE

Well, I think that’s a great idea.

GORDON

Guess I’ll go break it to Theodore.

HE CLIMBS THE STAIRS.

CHARLES

If that’s what you think you need to

do.

ANNIE

Good luck.

ONCE GORDON’S OUT OF SIGHT, CHARLES AND ANNIE GRAB HANDS ANDHOP UP AND DOWN.

CHARLES

Two votes out of three! We’re selling

the house!

ANNIE

They’re out of your life forever!

CHARLES

Six hundred thousand dollars!




ANNIE

Vegas, baby!

INT. THEODORE’S ROOM - DAYA DISGUSTED BUTLER WRINGS A LARGE, ROOT BEER-SOAKED TOWELINTO A BUCKET AS A REFRESHED THEODORE STROLLS ABOUT IN HISBATHROBE. EMPTY BOTTLES OF ROOT BEER LITTER THE ROOM.

GORDON ENTERS.

GORDON

Hey, can I talk to you a sec?

THEODORE WAVES DISMISSIVELY AT THE BUTLER.

THEODORE

Leave us!

THE BUTLER GATHERS THE TOWEL AND BUCKET AND LEAVES.

GORDON

Look, I talked it over with Charles

and Annie - they’re real nice folks -

THEODORE

Mmm hmm. Annnd?

GORDON

I’m gonna sell my share of the house.

I know it’s two out of three and

you’re outvoted, buddy, but I don’t

want you to be mad or anything.

THEODORE

I see. I think it’s a marvelous idea.

GORDON

You do..?




THEODORE

Of course. Six hundred thousand is a

lot of money.

GORDON

Oh yeah.

THEODORE

Who needs a free check coming to them

on a regular basis?

GORDON

Well, I mean -

THEODORE

Given to them by a kind and generous

old man - old friend - just before he

died.

GORDON

Yeah, uh...

THEODORE

Of course, with the price of a nice

house these days ... well. Most of the

money you get from selling this house,

will go to buying a much smaller

house.

GORDON

Smaller?




THEODORE

With no staff to clean up after you.

But, once you get a job, working fifty

hours a week with maybe two weeks off

a year, you won’t have time to even

think about what you’ve given up ...

by selling your share of the house.

And then, there’s the loneliness -

GORDON LOOKS COMPLETELY RATTLED.

GORDON

Uh huh...

INT. MANSION ENTRY - DAYCHARLES AND ANNIE, STILL SUPER-EXCITED, UNABLE TO CONTAINTHEMSELVES.

ANNIE

This was so easy! We hardly had to do

anything!

CHARLES

Free and clear! I’m gonna be rich!

THE BUTLER ENTERS.

ANNIE

They’re gonna sell!

CHARLES

Gordon decided to sell! You’ll never

do another root beer foot rub again!

BUTLER

That’s wonderful!

THEODORE AND GORDON COME DOWN THE STAIRS DRESSED FOR GOLF,LAUGHING, THEODORE’S HAND ON GORDON’S BACK.




CHARLES(worried)

Hey Gordon...

GORDON

Hey buddy!

CHARLES

Look at you two, palling around.

THEODORE

Yes. Look at us.

CHARLES

You okay Gordon?

GORDON

Yup!

CHARLES

You remember what we talked about?

GORDON

Yup!

CHARLES

You still selling your share of the

house?

GORDON

Nope!

THEODORE AND GORDON STROLL TO THE FRONT DOOR.

THEODORE

Oh, we’ll be playing a few holes out

back. I’m quite good at games, you

see.


(MORE)



And if you think you can do an end run

around me again, buster, prepare for a

rude awakening.

GORDON

What’s a rude awakening?

THEODORE

Oh, that’s when you wake up and you’re

rude to everybody.

THEY EXIT.

CHARLES(screaming at closed door)

That is not a rude awakening!

HE COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR, GROANING. THE BUTLER SIGHS,DEJECTED.

BUTLER

If you’ll excuse me, I need to begin

preparing Master Theodore’s weekly

wine spritzer enema. It’s an all-night

event.

THE BUTLER LEAVES.

ANNIE

Speaking of rude awakenings...

CHARLES SOBS, QUIETLY MUTTERING. ANNIE CROUCHES NEXT TO HIM,PETTING HIS HEAD.


THEODORE (CONT'D)



ANNIE (CONT’D)

So he’s not as dumb as you thought. So

your apartment burned down, and you

have no idea when you can move back

in, and my landlord won’t allow you to

move in with me, and you’re stuck

living with two morons who are keeping

you from six hundred thousand dollars

you desperately need.

CHARLES

Yeah..?

ANNIE

Think of it this way. If you kill them

both, which seems the most likely

outcome at this point, the jury will

understand. And you’ll probably only

get thirty years in prison. You’ll be

out in your late fifties and have

twenty or so years left to live your

life, without them anywhere in sight

to bother you.

CHARLES THINKS ABOUT IT.

CHARLES

We’ll call that plan B.


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