12 Middle Ground April 2006

first heard the phrase “listening for differences”from Margaret Wheatley, one of my favoritementors. A woman of extraordinary wisdom and

grace, her teachings about leadership have inspired peopleworldwide. Last spring I had the good fortune to studywith her as I sought a new perspective on my role as amiddle school counselor.

At the heart of Wheatley’s work is her unyieldingfaith in human goodness. She believes that, given theopportunity, our best selves come forward with the capacityto resolve conflict, embrace differences, and move forwardwith courage.

Whether she is speaking to CEOs in New York,kindergarten teachers in Kansas, or tribal elders inAfrica, Wheatley’s message is the same: We cannotlegislate a loving and caring community through policy.Only through our relationships with one another andour commitment to helping each other feel welcome,invited, and necessary, are we are able to build a placeof integrity, creativity, and strength. Greed, competition,and individualism cannot sustain a healthy community.

“Listening for differences” describes one simple method bywhich we might reach out to each other. No two people, afterall, experience the world in exactly the same way, and we needto hear everyone’s story in order to weave the entire tapestry ofhumanness. To cut someone short or to exclude someone is toleave a hole in the fabric of our understanding.

When we can truly listen to another person withoutattacking him or defending ourselves, without arguing our ownperspective in an effort to convince, and without judging theexperience of the speaker, then we create a possibility for learningsomething new. When we can listen only with the pureintention of discovering how another person’s experienceis different from our own, then we are listening for differences.

Offering PeaceAs a middle school counselor, I spend a lot of time helpingstudents learn how to listen for differences. When some of mymiddle school students scrape and scuffle for a top berth in thesocial pecking order, I often end up with groups of kids in myoffice. The competition is fierce as each individual ego believesit is fighting for survival.

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With a gentle wave of her hand, Wheatley put a stop tothe whole discussion. “Well, it took you less than three minutesto slip back into a mode of criticism, judgment, and defense,”she said. She acknowledged that those modalities do havetheir place, but they have become the habit with which weapproach our interactions.

Clearly, it would be a challenge for us to give up our needto be right in favor of our desire to learn through accepting.Thankfully, with practice, by later in the week we could “listenfor differences” beyond a mere 180 seconds!

Perhaps children have an easier time with this conceptbecause they have less fear, more capacity to embracechange, and more faith in human goodness. Every studentI have ever encountered is eager to be heard once he or shecan trust that the experience shared will not be judged andthe student’s value within the community is unquestionable.

All kids, no matter of what race, spiritual practice, oreconomic status, hunger for the opportunity to tell their story,and they all discover some new meaning in their life throughthe telling. They also long to hear the stories of others, perhapsintuitively knowing that our world depends upon multiple anddiverse perspectives to heal and grow. We could learn much bytheir example.

Embracing DifferencesOne gift we can give our children is to begin more con-sciously creating communities that embrace every member,hear every story, and honor every perspective. As middleschool educators, we know that modeling is one of ourmost powerful teaching tools. Thus, we must begin withourselves. We can practice listening for differences in thefaculty lounge, at committee meetings, and during parentconferences.

I gently introduce the possibility that every person inthe room has a rightful place in our community, that eachone’s voice is equally as valuable as the person’s next to himor her, and that there is enough energy and caring to goaround to ensure that everyone’s needs will be met. We thenset about practicing “listening for differences,” reminding eachother that no judgmental, argumentative, or defensiveresponse is permitted.

It is then that the magic happens. Students begin tohear one another’s stories, their empathy grows, and newawareness emerges of life beyond their own experiences.A more benevolent and supportive world suddenly seemspossible. The students themselves generate solutions totheir group problem, leaving my office with a greaterrespect for themselves and others. They marvel at their owncreativity, ponder their newfound wisdom, and go forwardwith support and empowerment.

Not only are they now feeling better themselves, butthey also have more compassion for their peers. They haveexperienced a new meaning of community and they knowthey have a rightful place within it.

Lessons LearnedI am always amazed at what our children teach us. Theyunderstand “listening for differences” much more quicklythan adults do. Perhaps as adults we think we already knoweverything, or we think we have to pretend as if we do. Thisbecame evident as a group of us were practicing listeningfor differences at one of Wheatley’s workshops. The topicof conversation was people’s responses to September 11,2001, and folks immediately began sharing where theywere on that day, their disbelief as they watched televisioncoverage, and the pain of revisiting New York City in theaftermath.

One woman stated that she thought a lot of good hadcome out of the whole experience and referred to the pullingtogether of communities with generosity and helping hands.Immediately, another group member pounced on her statement,saying, “Obviously, you did not lose someone close to you onthat day! There was nothing good about it; it was horrific andvile, and only someone ignorant would think it was good!”

Tension in the room immediately rose. The woman whohad made the initial comment began stammering her apologieswhile another woman tried to defend her. Meanwhile, anotherman jumped in with, “I don’t think she meant the event wasgood, I think she meant that there have been some good thingsthat have happened as a result of the event.”

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In the classroom, we may be teachingstudents the art of debate or the elementsof a persuasive essay, but consider this:• Are we providing tools for them to

understand and empathize withanother human being?

• Are we setting aside time in ourclasses to validate our students’ personalexperiences?

• Are we allowing them to hear thefeelings and perspectives of others ina non-competitive, accepting atmosphere?

• “Listening for differences” canbecome a useful guideline duringadvisory group discussions or whenteaching young leaders how to run astudent government.

Whether one teacher is practicingwith students, or whether a whole schoolhas adopted “listening for differences” asa theme for the year, be assured that theeffort will positively influence adolescents’lives.

Celebrating AwarenessSchool can be a place where students,parents, faculty, and staff are truly presentfor each other, talk with each other, andfocus on what is possible. When we havethe courage and the willingness to practicelistening for differences, our defenses falland we begin to make connections thattranscend the misunderstandings of racial,cultural, and religious barriers.

Once we admit to ourselves that wedon’t already have all of the answers andinsights that we will ever need, webecome free to celebrate the awarenessthat unexpectedly emerges in a communitythat welcomes new possibilities fromevery heartfelt voice.

Marcia Rogat is a middle school counselorat Cary Academy in Cary, North Carolina,and author of Kid-to-Kid: A Facilitator’sGuide to Empowering Students throughOpen Discussion (Creative ThoughtPress), available from the NMSA onlinebookstore.

ResourcesMargaret Wheatley’s books include:

Finding Our Way: Leadership for an Uncertain Time, 2005

Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future, 2002

Leadership and the New Science, 1999

A Simpler Way, 1996

All are available through Amazon.com.

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