like a ghost

7/28/2019 Like a Ghost

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Like a Ghost...Page 2

Kevin

All Kevin saw was her back, cradling the phoneagainst her ear, but there was just silence. Silenceand she wasn't moving. When he touched hershoulder, she turned around and dropped the phone,clutching onto him and bursting into heavy sobs thatwracked her entire body.

He pulled at the phone chord, lifting the receiver tohis ear. "Stacy? What happened?" He managed tokeep one hand against Jana's back, holding her up tothe best of his ability. "We'll be right over." He putthe receiver down and wrapped both arms aroundJana, holding her as tightly as he could as she criedagainst him, trembling.

"Kevin?" Anne asked nervously.

He lifted his head, tears in his eyes, and ran his handover Jana's back. "Can you keep the kids?" he asked,his voice sticking in his throat. "We have to get tothe hospital." Jana clung to him, tighter, as if she


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was bracing herself for the next sentence. "Mary"he began, blinking with the shock that lingered inthe air, "had a heart attack."

Anne reached out to grab the kitchen counter. "Is shegoing to be okay?"

Kevin couldn't verbally respond. He merely shookhis head 'no' and dipped it down closer to Jana. "We

should go," he whispered, attempting to comfort her.She nodded, but held on a few moments longer,trying to steady herself. "I won't leave your side,darlin'. I'm gonna be right here, okay?"

As soon as they entered the private waiting room,Jana squared her shoulders and accepted the weightof Stacy as collapsing against her. He couldn't makeout what she was saying through the tears, but Janaseemed to know and began mumbling comforting

words, a complete turn around from just half an hourago when he'd stood with her in his mother's kitchen.

He'd seen that strength before. When she'd been in


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labor with Liam she'd become too tired to push, outof nowhere had come a power and burst of strengthto finish the birth. When she'd worked eighteenhours and come home to find Shannon with a fever,sleep hadn't mattered. When she was needed, she

brought comfort to whoever needed it. He couldprovide comfort for her once she was sure everyoneelse around her was stable and safe.

As he went over to hug Stacy, Jana went over to herfather, who was sitting across the room, his eyes redrimmed, but no tears. She knelt next to him, puttingher hands over his and just looked up at him,whispering 'Daddy?'

First, Tom's shoulders shook. Then he lifted hishands to either side of Jana's face and looked at her,the shock of what had happened written in every lineon his face. Then, seeing the truth in Jana's eyes, hisface crumpled and he openly criedbut just for a

moment. As he finished, Jana wrapped her arms

around his neck and let him comfort her as only afather knew how. Then, they both wiped their tearsand took deep breaths, taking back control of theiremotions in order to get through the decisions and


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arrangements that had to be made...the funeral hometo contact, what Mary should wear, who needed to

be called first.

"She justI didn't know what it was" Stacy

sputtered. Kevin could hear the guilt in her voice andwanted to comfort her. "I didn't know. I just thoughtshe was snoring."

Jana sat on the edge of the bed, physically exhaustedand pale. All she could do was look at Kevin as heclosed the door behind him, watching tears fill hereyes again. Neither one of them had to say anything.

He sat beside her and held her, and she just criedsoftly against him. When she finished, she slippedwordlessly into a tee shirt and climbed into the bed,holding onto him until she fell asleep.

He knew tomorrow was going to be harder.

Tomorrow, reality was going to hit and the simplestthings were going to be incredulous. The smallesttask would take on a sense of wonder.


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His fingers fumbled with the material beneath them,

tangling in it, choking. A simple tie. He'd tied a tie

so many times, but today, staring in the mirror, he

couldn't get it figured out. It was too long, too short,

too tight, sloppy. His shower had seemed to take

forever when he considered what he had to do when

it was done. His best suit was lying on the bed, a

crisp white shirt freshly ironed, and the damn tie

was the last part of getting ready. And he had

managed to do it all seamlessly except for the damntie.

And then he focused in the mirror at the length of his

hair, the spots on his chin still bleeding from

shaving. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and

opened his eyes again to refocus on the tie.

"Having trouble?" Jerry asked, stepping into the

doorway, his own tie undone. He stood in front of

Kevin and took hold of Kevin's tie like he had when

they'd been boys.

"Looks like you are too," Kevin said, pointing to

Jerry's tie. All Jerry did was slightly nod as he

finished tying Kevin's tie, choking up as he finished.


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"Here" Kevin started doing Jerry's tie, focusing on

how the knot should look instead of seeing the tears

in Jerry's eyes.

When he finished, Jerry put his hand on Kevin's

shoulder and squeezed in thanks. "Hang in there,

Little Bro. Let's do the old man proud, huh?" Kevin

merely nodded. He'd be fine as long as no one spoke

to him. If he had to speak, he'd never make it

through the day.

"Coffee?" Tim asked, lifting the pot up as Kevin

came downstairs.

"As a vodka chaser?" Kevin grumbled, barely joking

as he slipped into his seat at the kitchen table.

Tim put a mug down in front of him, shaking his

head in scolding. "Beth coming?"

Beth Kevin had barely had time to talk to her in

the last three days. He wasn't even sure if he'd askedher, much less if she was coming. He stirred sugar

into the coffee and shrugged. At this point, he

doubted if it would make any difference. So far,


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everything today was surreal, and time was moving

like butter melting when it was accidentally left out.

"Did you ask her?" Kevin shrugged again. "Kev?"

"I don't know, Tim! Why the third degree? If she

comes, she comes. If she doesn'tthen she doesn't.

What difference does it make?"

"Just making conversation, Kev." Tim sat down andsipped his coffee, pulling at his tie. "Jerry almost

ready?" Kevin shrugged, watching the liquid swirl

around his mug as he stirred slowly. "Kevin? You

gonna hold up?" he asked, his voice full of concern.

"Do I have a choice?" he replied quietly. When helooked up, Tim was watching him closely, worriedly.

"I'll hold up."

And he would hold up today. He knew he didn'thave a choice, just as Jana didn't have a choice..

Even so, she whimpered and clung to him as sheslept, keeping Kevin awake for most the night tryingto comfort her nightmares


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Beth shook his shoulder, whispering his name as he

fluttered his eyes open, finding himself tangled in the

sheets. She smoothed the hair back and pressed her

lips against his forehead before settling back against

him. "You're safe here, baby. It's all over now.

Remember?"

That was the problem. He was rememberingthe

church, the coffin, the sounds of the crying echoing

throughout the high wooden ceiling. Most of the daywas a blur, but at the end of it, he'd had to get away

from them all, and he'd ended up at Beth's

apartment, stoned and drunk. He'd crashed, barely

speaking to her, and he hadn't been altogether sure

where he was when she'd awakened him.

He sat up, realizing the sun was rising, and wrapped

his arms around his knees as he tiredly dropped his

shoulders. "I should go," he said, his voice deep and

groggy from sleep.

Her hand slid down his back slowly "Not yet. It's stillearly. Get some rest, Kevin."

He shook his head, looking out the window. "NoI


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should go back. I didn't tell anyone where I was

going."

"They know where you are," she told him. "Where

else would you be all night?" He could think of a

thousand places, but didn't want to ramble them off.

Where he really wanted to be was in his own bed,

home, so he could be there for his mother, his

family. Where he should have been all night. Beth

smoothed her hand back down his back, though, andit drew him back to the mattress. Just the tenderness

of her fingertips brought tears to his eyes, tears that

had been too ready in forming for days, it seemed.

He was tired of the weight on his chest, of the

sadness wrapping around his brain. He was just

tired and wanted to bury it, instead of his father.

Beth curled next to him, putting her head on his

shoulder as she ran her hand over his chest. She

kissed his shoulder gently, and when he turned his

head, she kissed his lips, drawing him closer. It was

something other than pain touching him, and heresponded to it, letting it soak through his skin.

Finally, he could concentrate on something other

than the grief. Instead, he concentrated on the curve


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of her breasts against his palm, the wetness between

her legs as he slid his fingers between the tender

folds, the sound of her breath catching in her throat

as she clutched his wrist and came. He concentrated

on her lips sucking on his nipples, the touch of her

thumb as it circled the lip of his shaft and rose over

his tip. Too impatient to wait, he found his way

inside of her, slamming his hips against hers to rush

to the pleasure and be lost in the pure physical

response, shutting off his brain for mere seconds...awelcomed relief.

When it was over, he dropped down against her,

catching his breath and wiping the sweat from his

forehead on the pillow next to her head. "I need to

go," he mumbled, once he could speak.

"Kevin" He ignored her, pulling out, and

immediately got out of bed, running a hand through

his hair in indecision, looking around for his

clothes. "Kevinstop." He looked back to the bed as

she sat up. "You have to take time for yourself, tooyou know. It happened to you, too. Your family

understands that you need time to unwind on your

own, don't they?"


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"Bethright now, I can't. I need them as much as

they need me."

"You look like you need a break from it though,

Kevin. You barely slept. You're on the verge of

tears"

He just shook his head, more pressure dropping onto

his shoulders. He didn't know how to make Bethunderstand his motivations, but he knew where he

needed to be. He started getting dressed quickly and

leaned over to kiss her. "I love you," he said. "I'll

call you later."

Kevin hadn't thought about Beth in so long. Lookingback on it now, he knew it had been a bad momentin one of the worst years of his life. That had beenthe turning point of their relationship. He'd proposedand soon after she'd said yes, he'd picked fights,

pulled away, made excuses until the whole

relationship had exploded apart and he'd run back toFlorida.

Now Jana was having a fitful night's sleep, and there


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was nowhere for either of them to run except to eachother. There was nowhere else he wanted to be otherthan at her side as she tried to make sense of the lossand the cruel twist of fate. If he'd learned anything, itwas to turn and face the problems head on. So far, ithad gotten them through all the stupid little things intheir relationship, and he was certain they'd pass thetest now. He just had to hold on to her, be her

punching bag, her pleasure point, her distraction, and

her guide as they made their way through it.

Jana

As Jana watched Kevin put his shoes on, sitting onthe edge of the bed, she wondered just what exactlyhe was thinking. She wasn't quite sure what she wasthinking, except that she was getting ready. It was asif she'd been programmed: stockings, slip, dress,hair, make-up. It was all mechanical and if shelingered too long, she'd realize what she was gettingready for - her mother's funeral.

Eerily enough, the last time she'd been in this churchhad been for Jerald's funeral, and it was hard toimagine standing in there with her own family,going through the same ritual.


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She slipped into a back pew alone and made sure

she didn't make eye contact with anyone. She wasn't

even sure why she was there anyway, but there had

been no doubt of her going. Just seeing the back of

Kevin's head as he stood in the front pew with the

rest of his family brought tears to her eyes. Try as

she might, she still wanted to comfort him in spite of

not having spoken to him in a year. It didn't even

matter that he was holding someone else's hand. Shewanted to comfort him, but she knew she wouldn't

even make her presence known. Maybe he'd sense

her there, or something, and take comfort in that.

The music ended, and the echoes of feet shuffling,

papers rattling and the ever-present person with acough filled the solemn silence inside the old church.

Her mind couldn't focus on what was being said. All

she could do was watch the front few pews, the

family she'd been so close to, out of reach, in pain.

She didn't even need to see their faces, it was enough

just to see the way they bent their heads together,reached out to hold a shoulder, rub a neck, touch

heads together. And then someone stood up and

started singing 'Ave Maria,' and she watched her


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vision blur through tears.

Today, Kevin would be singing that song - for herown mother - in that same church, that same spot.Just thinking about it chocked her up and broughttears to her eyes, again. Times like this, she didn'twonder anymore why she wasn't a churchgoer. Justabout all her memories of being in church wereabout a death... loss, fear, sadness, dread. Nothing

good. Nothing really happy. Even Stacy's weddingdidn't bring back happy memories. She couldn'thonestly say she was happy her sister had gottenmarried. Randy was nice and all, but Jana had neverseen an un-dying love between them. She justsawcomplacency? Settling? Getting it over with?

She jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder,blinking into the mirror at Kevin. He wrapped hisarms around her waist "We should be going." Allshe could do was put her hands over his and rest

back against him for a long moment, unable to

move. Her feet were part of the tiled floor, grouteddown into the cracks so she couldn't move.

Kevin didn't rush her, just waited as she stood,


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lowering his head closer to hers and inhaling deeplyagainst her. Offering strength from someplace. Shedidn't know where he'd found it, or how he'dshouldered it, but he was there and holding her up,steady and firm, but gentle and unhurried. She hadn'tthought she'd ever feel safe after that phone call, butevery time Kevin put his arms around her, she did.She just didn't want him to release her, andinevitably, he had to.

It was her turn to take a steady breath, square hershoulders and head out to handle the details. It wastime for her show face. Damn the nerves, damn thefear, damn the steps she wasn't sure ofit was time

to go out and face it and muddle through the best she

could.

The house was filled with people, friends, relatives,co-workers She wasn't even sure who they all

were, but there wasn't a chair to be found, andpeople were starting to spill out on the porch andthroughout the yard. Some talked quietly, somelaughed loudly, but there was a sense of calm and


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ease around that surprised her, considering thetragedy. She expected people to cry more, or speakin whispers, but instead of mourning her death, Tomhad turned conversations to celebrating her life Hewas truly holding up under the pressure and hadcome past to squeeze her shoulder or offer a hugseveral times throughout the day. Kevin hadcommented that she obviously got her strength fromher father, but surrounded by all these people,

making conversation, Jana wondered if her fatherwanted to burst into tears like she did beneath it all.

Stacy hadn't stopped crying at all, it seemed. Janahad done her best to alleviate her sister's sense ofguilt, but nothing seemed to help. She supposed

she'd feel the same way if she'd been here instead ofStacy. She had her own guilt fornotbeing here,wondering if things might have different if she had,if maybe she should have done more to take some ofthe strain of these past weeks from Mary. Would ithave made any difference?

Randy was in the corner with Stacy again,attempting to be a dutiful husband, but wheneverJana looked at them, she could sense tension and


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distraction. Randy didn't seem to focus on anythinganymore. He seemed to look away or roll his eyeswhen Stacy spoke to him. Just now, when she turnedagainst him for support, he patted her shoulderabsently and looked around the room. Jana turned,lifting her eyes up to the ceiling and prayed silently.'No more for a while, okay? Can we get through onedisaster at a time?'

"How're you holding up?" Kevin asked, quietlycoming up behind her. He put an arm around herneck loosely and kissed the top of her head.

She rested back against him and sighed. "Is numbgood?"

"Could be. Need a break?"

She chuckled lightly, looking around the room."You're kidding, right?"

"No. We can go upstairs for a minute or two if youwant to get away for a little while."

"I'm okay, babe." She put her hands over his arm and


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squeezed. "If I lose it now, I'm not going to stop forawhile."

She rolled over, blinking painfully at the night standand saw a bottle of water and aspirin waiting.Through the pain of her throbbing head, she stillsmiled. He'd even taken the cap off for her, bless his

heart. After managing to swallow a couple of aspirinand half the bottle of water, she fell back and took afew deep breaths through the pounding of the bloodin her temples and eyes.

Drinking had been a good idea last night. It was the

first time in a week she hadn't gone to bed wantingto cry and thinking 'what next?' The only problemwas, alcohol never let her sleep long or deep, andshe knew it was much too early to get up. It was alsomuch too early to let herself think.

Fortunately, Kevin rolled over onto his side, and shefelt his fingers slide through her hair gently. Sheclosed her eyes and felt her muscles immediatelyrelax with his touch. It drew her closer until she was


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resting against him, feeling his hand slide slowlydown her back. She lifted her chin up against the

pillow to see him watching her tenderly, a slowsmile forming on his lips before she leaned up andkissed them as tenderly as his touch.

All she had to do was keep her eyes on his, and theycould read each others desires and touches. Nothingwas rushed, nothing was spoken, but every part of

her body was caressed and cared for. His handslingered over her skin, following each curve andmuscle, responding to her desires without a thought.

She relaxed into the desires, letting her hands roamacross the contours and shapes of his body to feel the

warmth of his skin on her fingertips. She particularlyliked to drag her finger down the center of his chest,across the firmness of his abs, feeling his bellyquiver when she continued down between his legs.Just the sound of his intake of short, quick breaths

burned a desire deep inside herself.

Before she could do anything more, Kevin lifted herhands away and shifted to his knees, but she placedher hands on his hips and shifted between them. She


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wanted him inside her more than ever, guiding hisfirmness between her legs. She couldn't take hereyes off his, except for the moment when he filledher completely, pausing in the position until sheexhaled and looked back at him, lowering her hips asslowly to the bed as she possibly could from hisretreat to accept him again, just as smoothly.

She ran her fingers down the curve of his spine,

feeling each vertebrae shift with his next thrust, anddug her fingers in at the base of his back to keep himfrom pulling out, repositioning herself beneath himso he could thrust deeper. It all felt as if it washappening in slow motion; even if she wanted itfaster, it seemed as if they were moving in water.

But she didn't want anything faster. She wanted itslower, to linger in this pleasure and peace, be lost inKevin's eyes and touch forever. Here she was safeand cared for. Here she was protected and sheltered

by him, and there was no pain, or sadness. He made

her feel as if the world outside didn't exist and it wasjust the two of them. When he shifted, he placed hishand on the side of her face, and she realized to hersurprise that there were tears on her cheeks.


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Bringing her hand down his back again, she guidedhim inside again, not wanting to stop. She closed hereyes briefly, inhaling with his fullness and felt asmile cross her lips before she bit them together andlifted her hips to greet his. By the sound of his

breathing she knew Kevin was close to orgasm. Hishead lifted slightly, but he still managed to watch herface as he released, arching his back plunging

quickly inside her several times. With each one, shefelt herself draw closer to her own orgasm and heldonto his hips, keeping the pace until her musclesshook with the pleasure.

He quickly kissed her face, her eyes, her lips, and

pulled her close once he lay back down, their bodiesintertwined and tangled. She felt as if she couldn'tget close enough, even as she heard his heartbeat inher ear and felt his breath on her shoulder. The slowkisses and tender touches continued, and she closedher eyes again, concentrating on his slowing

heartbeat. Strong, steady, constantpleasing her,putting her at ease, and she drifted back to sleep.

Kevin


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"But I don't wantpancakes!" Lyric whined from thekitchen. "I want peanut butter and jelly!"

"We're having pancakes, Lyric," Jana replied firmly."Sit down and eat."

"Don't wanna!"

"Lyric" It was that mother tone Kevin had teased

her about the first time he'd heard it come from her.Today, there wouldn't be any teasing about itthough. It sounded edgier than usual. "Don't start.Either sit down and have pancakes, or don't eatanything until dinner. Your choice."

"But I can make it myself!" Lyric whined.

"One," she started counting, not having to explainwhy. Each child knew they had until three to makeup their minds before being sent to their room. Lyricstarted protesting again, but Jana merely counted to

two.

"You don't make them right!" Lyric yelled angrily."Granma makes them better!"


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"I know that, Lyric!" That sounded a bit too shrill,even for the frustration. "But I made them, and that'swhat we're having. If you don't want it, you can goupstairs until dinner!"

Kevin heard the chair scrape back, and seconds later,Lyric came stomping loudly down the hallway withher arms folded and a pout on her face. "I hate you!"

she screamed.

With that, Kevin took hold of Lyric's elbow andwalked her upstairs to her room to the sound of loudsobs. "Stop it," he said slowly but firmly, sitting onthe end of her bed and standing her in front of him.

She stomped her foot, still with her arms crossed,and furrowed an angry brow at him. "Lyric MaryRichardson, stop it right now."

"I jus' wanted peanut butter and jelly!" she whined.

"Listen to me," he said, looking her directly in theeyes, "if I ever hear you use the word hate againstme, your mother, your brother, or your sister, peanut

butter and jelly sandwiches are going to be the very


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least of your problems, do you understand me? Inever want to hear that word come out of yourmouth again."

Sobbing harder, Lyric stood in front of him, trying tocatch her breath. "But she's being mean!"

Kevin nodded slowly and pulled her gently into hisarms to soothe her. Seven-year-olds did not

understand death or grief. They thought about fluffyclouds and all the ice cream, or peanut butter and

jelly sandwiches, you could eat. Sitting her on hisknee, he kissed the top of her head. "Listen to me,okay?" he started slowly, waiting a moment for herto breathe a little easier. "Right now, your mama is

very, very sad about granma and she's acting kind ofcrazy because of that." Before Lyric could protest,he lifted a hand to silence her. "I know that doesn'tseem really fair to you right now, but that's just theway it's going to be for awhile. So, I need you to beon your very best behavior right now and help your

ma out until she's feeling a little better."

"I don't like her pancakes," she whined, dropping herhead down on Kevin's shoulder.


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He patted her head and smiled to himself. Jana coulddo many things, but she still hadn't gotten the hangof cooking anything very well. Truth be told, hedidn't like her pancakes either. "I know, Babydoll,

but she tries really, really hard." Lyric put her tinyarms around his neck and sunk against him. He heldher close, kissing the side of her head. "I'll see if Ican sneak up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to

you, but it'll have to be our secret, okay?" Lyricpulled back and nodded slowly, still pouting. Hekissed her quickly and stood up as she crawled ontoher bed. "So, you gonna help me out and try to be onyour very best behavior for me?"

"I'll try," she sighed, obviously not happy about it.

"Good girl. Thank you."

"Don't you dare," Jana said behind him as he stoodat the kitchen counter. He turned, attempting to hidewhat was on the counter, but he knew she'd caughthim. "Kevin!" She walked in and nudged him aside,


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pointing to the sandwich makings spread out. "Howis she supposed to respect me if you keep going

behind my back and undoing every discipline actionI make?"

"Jan, it's just a sandwichit's not espionage."

"Kevin!" Her mouth gaped open, and she blinkedincredulously at him. "It's the intent. She's going to

go to you every time I say something she doesn't likeand get her way? Is that what you want to teachher?"

Placing a hand on Jana's back, he led her over to thetable and sat her down, taking a seat next to her. He

took hold of her hand and inhaled deeply, trying tofigure out some way to explain how irrational shewas being without causing more arguing. "Okay,look," he started, looking up to her, "I know whatyou're trying to say, but Jan Don't you think you

might have, maybe, gone over the edge a little bit?"

She pulled her hand back and leaned back into thechair, crossing her arms and lifting an eyebrow."Over the edge?" she asked dryly.


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"I'm not looking to fight with you, darlin', but thistime? I think you may have overreacted. You've

been a little on edge lately, and I just think thatmaybe Lyric pushed the wrong button before."

"On edge or over it, Kevin? Make up your mind."

He sat back and bit his tongue lightly, feeling his

own patience waning. "I'm trying to discuss this withyou, Jana."

"You're trying to tell me I'm falling apart."

"Honestly? Yes." He could only look at her, holding

his breath to see what her reaction would be.

"Oh, sorry," she started and he sensed the sarcasmbeneath the sticky sweetness of her voice. "I guess Ijust don't handle the death of a parent as well asyou." She stood up. "Want to tell me what I'm

supposed to be doing?Again?"

Kevin sat back and sighed heavily, looking up at her."Okay, Jana? This is what I mean by you acting


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irrationally." He threw his hands up before pushingthe chair back and standing up. "We're not out to getyou! We're trying to help!"

"Wellstop being so damn helpful!" she yelled,pushing against his chest.

"Stop being a raving lunatic!" he yelled back, takinga step back and trying to control his voice. "Jana!

Look what we're doing! What the hell do you wantus to do? We can't keep living like this. We justcan't. I know it's hard, and I know you're upset, butwe can't keep going on like this. We don't know howto react anymore. The kids are confused and scared.I don't know how to talkto you at this point! What

do you want me to do?"

"I can't do this now." She shook her head and hewatched her eyes flood with tears. "Not now." Bitingher lips together, she waved her hands at him andstarted out of the room.

"When, Jana?" he asked, his voice quiet, but firm.

"I have to go check on Dad," she answered, not


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turning back to him. She kept walking down the hall,took the keys off the hall table and headed out thedoor. One of the earliest things he had to learn aboutJana was that, for all her energy and drive did nothandle pressure well. He knew this about her andthey'd barely been dating long when he figured thatout.

Kevin could feel his muscles releasing and his head

get lighter as he handed the joint over to Jimmy andheld his breath a moment. Back by the Meadow

Garden, a small group had gathered to celebrate the

final game of the season. They hadn't had a stellar

year, but individually, they'd all had a good season.

The party wasn't a huge blow out, but these were the

people Kevin started playing football with in juniorhigh. Most were good friends, and they'd brought

along their girlfriends. He hadn't been expecting

Jana since she'd had some dance thing, but when he

exhaled, he focused in on her coming up the path.

She paused, looking slightly confused, and thenwalked over to sit on the log next to him. He was

already drunk, the pot making him slightly giggly

and unsteady, but he attempted to be calm and lifted


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his chin up to accept a quick kiss hello. She put her

hand in his hair, awkwardly smiling as she looked

around the fire at the drunken and/or stoned people.

"I didn't think you were coming," he said cheerfully,

attempting to shift up to sit closer to her.

"Yeah," she answered, biting her bottom lip

nervously, "wellI got home earlier than I thought."

"Cool." He draped his arm across her shoulder and

kissed her more fully, rubbing her shoulder. "Want

something to drink?"

"No, that's okay." Her palms were flat against each

other, and she slid them between her knees, liftingher shoulders up in the chill of the night.

"You cold?" He moved closer to offer warmth, but

she remained fairly stiff next to him. She shook her

head, and Kevin glanced to where she was looking,

seeing Mickey glaring at them. "Come on. Let's gofor a walk."

It was an attempt to make her feel more comfortable,


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but he knew he was nowhere near steady on his feet.

Still, he managed to take her hand and head further

down the small path to the dirt road and walk along

the curve away from the others. "So? How'd it go?"

"Fine." She was definitely keeping her distance from

him. "I, umdon't think I'm gonna stay, Kevin."

"Why?" That came out whinier than he wanted. "You

just got here."

"I'm a little out of place, I think."

"I'll stop drinkin'," he promised, placing a hand over

his heart.

She slowed down and released his hand. "What

about smokin', Kev? I didn't think you werelike

that."

He furrowed his eyebrows to focus on her and his

head tilted back slightly. That small motion made theearth shift beneath his feet, and he stumbled slightly.

"Like what?"


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"Wellnot like that, justI didn't know that

yousmoked pot."

"Not a lot," he said quickly. "Once in awhile. Just to

chill, you know? Why? Is that a big deal?"

She hesitated, shoving her hands in the pockets of

her jacket. "I don't really know," she answered

slowly. "I never thought about it."

"So, what are you thinking about it now?"

"That I feel pretty stupid."

"Aw, come on" he cooed, reaching his hand out to

her. "Don't. It's not like I do it all the time." Hewiggled his fingers, still reaching out to her, and

tilted his head slightly. At this point, he wasn't sure if

it was the drug and alcohol, or if it really was that

dark that he could barely see her. Maybe she

couldn't see him reaching out his hand. "Jan?

Please? Take my hand. We can talk about this,okay? We'll take a walkget some air" She was

still standing there. He could see that much, but she

wasn't moving. "Don't go home yet. I want you to


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hang out with us."

"I don'tI'm not like" she finally said. "I don't

understand why you like me, Kevin."

Taking a step closer, he reached his hand out again.

"Because you're not like them. Maybe that's why I

do. Ever think a' that?"

"Not really. I just figure you might be moreinterested in someone that's a little

moreoutgoing."

"You're plenty outgoing," he encouraged, taking

another step forward, able to put his hands on her

waist now. "You're pretty, an' your smart, an' youdon't do stuff just to be cool. That's pretty cool."

"Even if that means your friends think I'm a geek?"

He laughed and slipped his arm around her

shoulder, starting a slow pace along the road."Dang, Jana, most of my friends are geeks. Hell, I'm

a geek. What difference does it make?"


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"You're totally - not a geek, Kevin," she said softly,

sounding almost embarrassed.

"Wellnot all the time," he giggled, trying to hide

his unsteady footsteps from her. "But enough." She

scoffed, and he stopped as they came under a motion

detection streetlight, wincing at the sudden

brightness. "Do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Kiss me." He turned towards her and leaned in,

slowly kissing her.

When she pulled back, the light had gone out, and

she laughed teasingly. "You are so wasted, aren'tyou?"

"I'm completely fucked," he admitted. "But I still

know what I'm doin'. And I like it." He leaned in to

kiss her again, pulling her a little tighter against

him. "Still want to go home?"

"Um"


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He smiled to himself, knowing she was flustered.

Taking advantage of it, he moved in for another kiss,

sliding his hand down her spine, placing it at the

small of her back and pulled her against him a little

more. He then leaned in, whispering into her ear,

"Don't go home yet, okay?" before kissing her neck.

"Let's keep walking, Kevin," she managed to say

between swallowing heavily, and he silently

admitted to himself how proud he was that he'dmade her flustered.

"Why?" he teased playfully, another giggle

escaping. "Maybe we should sit down instead."

"That depends," she said. "Is that because you can'twalk, or for some other reason?"

He giggled again. "All of the above?" He started

walking, trying to move towards the rock overhang

and not trip over the boulders in the dark. Wherever

Jimmy had gotten his stash, it wasn't the usualblend...this time it was hitting him harder than ever

before.


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"Let's go back," she decided, stopping and just

slipping her hand into his.

"Jan"

"Please, Kevin?" He wasn't so far gone not to hear

the fear in her voice. She was still afraid to be alone

with him. "Let's just go back."

"Darlin', nothing's gonna happen." He wavered abit, standing still, but she didn't move forward. No

use. She wasn't going to be alone with him. Maybe

he shouldn't have ground his hips against her. "All

right," he sighed, moving back down the slight slope.

"Fine. Let's go back."

"Don't be mad, Kev."

"You want to go back, we'll go back. That's fine."

"Kevin"

He reached his hand out and looked down to the

ground, not able to see anything anyway in the

moonless night. He could tell he was on the dirt road


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at least, and that was enough for him to know how to

go back without killing themselves in the dark. "This

way."

"I'm sorry" she said quietly.

He'd made her feel bad. Just the sound of her voice

told him that, but it wasn't making a difference.

"Sorry for what?" Right now, he didn't feel like

being patient, and sooner or later, she had to trusthim.

"I'm just not ready"

"For what? Being alone with me? Ooh, I'm scary!"

he said harshly. "I'm just some strange guy you'redating, right?"

"No, Kevin, you're not," she answered with the same

tone. "And that's why I don't want to be alone with

your right now."

"Well, that makes no sense." He stopped walking

and waited for the earth to stop spinning under his

feet.


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"It would if you were sober," she grumbled.

"LookI don't want to mess this up with you, but I

don't want to do anything that I'm going to regret,

and when I'm alone with you, I start wanting to do

more than I want because I don't think."

"Ever think that maybe you think too much?"

"No."

"What am I going to do to you, Jana? Huh? What do

you think is going to happen?"

"Something I'm not ready for, and if you can't deal

with that, than find someone else to date."

He listened to heavy footsteps walk away from him

as his shoulders dropped. With anger and

frustration, he slowly realized the pressure he was

putting on her. "Jana, wait" he called moments

later, but he still heard her walking on. "Would youslow down?" He started after her and jogged slightly

to catch up. She kept walking, but he put his arm

around her shoulder and fell into step. "I don't want


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someone else," he said, slowing their pace slightly.

"Okay? No pressure." She seemed to scoff, but

slowed down. "No pressure, Jana. Promise."

He sat heavily and looked at the empty doorway. Nopressure. When she'd left the ballet school, it'd beenbecause of the pressure. When they'd been outed onthe tour, she'd quit the tour. When she couldn't be incontrol, she panicked, and every reaction she'd had

lately had stemmed from panic and trying to controleverything she could. He couldn't promise there'd beno pressure, but he'd have to find a way to ease someof itsomehow.

Jana

Jana pulled up to the house, seeing Stacy out on theporch with Tom. She didn't really have to check onTom, but it was better than staying in the house andhaving to fight with Kevin. All he way here, she'dthought about what he'd said, realizing it made senseand that she needed to back off...if she could onlyfigure out how to pull away from the emotions whenthey flared up.

"What're you doing here?" Stacy asked as she


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stepped onto the porch.

"Just thought I'd stop by," she said, attempting tosmile and kissing her father's cheek. "How's itgoing?" She sat next to Stacy and slipped down thecushion slightly.

Stacy and Tom both looked slightly confused."Fine," Tom answered slowly, studying Jana.

"How's it going with you?"

"Fine." She shrugged, picking a thread off her jeans,and when she glanced up, both of them werewatching her. "What?"

"Trouble in paradise?" Stacy asked.

"No," she answered quickly. Maybe too quickly."Everything is fine. Why can't I stop by?"

"I didn't say you couldn't," Stacy answered. "But you

don't look like everything is just peachy, either."

Jana rolled her eyes and looked at Tom. "How're youfeeling?"


41/97

Tom gave her one of his understanding looks andnodded slowly. "I'm feeling fine, Jana. You don'thave to keep checking up on me. My phone works,you know. If I need anything, I know all I have to dois call."

"Did you feed the fish?" she asked, sitting up andlooking over her shoulder toward the pond.

"Yes, I fed the fish," Tom replied patiently.

Stacy stood up and kissed Tom. "Well, I'm going tohead home. I'll be by tomorrow morning to pick youup, Dad."

Once Stacy drove away, Tom leaned over and pattedJana's leg. "So, why are you really here? Whathappened?"

She shook her head, trying to look innocent.

"Nothing, Daddy. Honest." Tom lifted an eyebrow ather and patiently sat. It was that all-knowing fatherlook that she'd never been able to hide her secretsfrom. She'd started to notice that she had the same


42/97

power with her children, but she still didn't knowhow she'd obtained the trick. Sinking sunk back intothe cushions, she lifted a shoulder under her father'swatchful eye. "I don't know, okay? I just got into ahuge fight with Kevin somehow and needed to clearmy head."

"What were you fighting about?"

"Me," she sighed. "I'm freaking him out."

Tom nodded with a slight smile. "I know." Janaglanced up to him quickly. "Honey, I raised you. Iknow the signs of you getting stressed out." Hechuckled lightly. "And your kids talk."

She rolled her eyes. "My kids hate me right now.Kevin, too, I think."

"I doubt that," he said knowingly. "After elevenyears, I think Kevin understands your moods a little

better than you're giving him credit for. And yourkids adore their mama."

Jana snickered. "Well, Lyric might not agree with


43/97

you right now."

"I can guarantee you that you felt the same wayabout your ma and me at some point in your life,too. I doubt you've done any lasting damage."

"Ha, and you didn't?" she teased.

"If we did, would you be here right now?" Tom

questioned seriously, immediately bringing tears toher eyes. He moved to sit next to her, taking hold ofher hand. "Come on, now, baby, what's happening inthat head of yours?"

"I wish I knew, Daddy." She put her head on his

shoulder and let the tears flow quietly. "I just feellikeeverything is just I don't know. Nothing

seems to be the way it's supposed to be. I keepwaiting for everything to go back to being normal,and it doesn't. Well, it is, but it just doesn't feelnormal anymore. And I don't know how to make it

be that way anymore."

And that was about as honest as she could forceherself to be. What she wanted to do was blurt out 'I


44/97

want my mamma!' but she couldn't bring herself todo it. She was rational. She was an adult now. Shehad to be in control and understand that life wasn'tfair, it was cruel, and she had to live with it. Like itor not.

Those times when Kevin got quiet, when he wantedto sit in the dark and silence...it suddenly made senseto her. He hadto be doing the same thing she was

attempting to do now: make sense of it all, miss hisfather, figure out what to do next, how to get past theache that crippled breathing.

Silently, she had been preparing herself for the deathof her father. Instead,He had taken her mother, and

part of her was angry because it was supposed to beher father. Each time she thought of that, the guiltslammed into her and took her breath away. Shecouldn't believe she was swapping out the deaths ofher parents. It was unconscionablewasn't it?

Would any of this be easier if it had been her father

instead? Are you ever really prepared?

She felt Tom's arm wrap around her shoulder, andshe closed her eyes in comfort. He'd always seemed


45/97

bigger than life when she was little. All he'd neededto do was wrap an arm around her, and she'd feltsecure and safe. Tears spilled faster down hercheeks, and she rested more closely against him,trying to find that safety again.

"You can't make it happen, Pretty. It just does it allon its own eventually," he whispered, his voicesounding distant. "The abnormality just becomes

normal without you ever noticing it happening."

"I don't want it to," she answered, her voicesounding small. "I don't want this to feel normal."

Tom tightened his arm around her shoulder and just

shushed her quietly. "She was too good a woman tosuffer, Jana. It was a blessing that she went the wayshe did. Try to hold on to that. She didn't suffer atall."

"But what does that make us? You?" She pulled

away slightly and blinked back tears as she looked ather father. "Why do you have to go through all thesetests and treatments? What have you ever done todeserve this? Nothing! Why is Stacy's marriage


46/97

falling apart when she's the one who's lived at thedamn church for the past fifteen years? Where thehell is the justice?"

Tom rested a hand on her cheek and slowly shookhis head. "We're not supposed to question themotives. That just gets confusing and makes youangry. There's a reason it's calledfaith, Jana. Youhave to believe it serves a purpose bigger than us."

"I believed in Santa Claus once, too, Dad," shesnapped bitterly. "He was a lie in the end."

"But what a wonderful discovery it was to find outthat all those things you loved and wanted came

from the people who loved you," he answered with aslight smile. "Don't give up on the world around you

just yet. There's so many secrets left to be revealedstill."

The nightlight in the hallway lit her steps when she

came home, but as she quietly made her waytowards the kitchen, she heard Kevin clear his throatfrom the front parlour. The moonlight shone directlythrough the windows, and he was illuminated softly,turning to look over his shoulder as his arm spread


47/97

across the back of the couch. "Hey," he said softly,as if his voice were moonbeams.

She went into the room and sat next to him,wrapping her arms around his shoulders and holdingon tightly. "I'm sorry," she whispered, feeling hisarms slide across her back.

"Me too," he replied, lowering his head down a bit.

"So, do you think you can make French Toasted PBand J tomorrow morning?" She pulled back slightlyand offered a small smile. "I don't think I'd do itright."

"All you have to do, I think, is give her the usual."He took her face in his hands and wiped stray tearswith his thumbs before leaning in and kissing her.

She leaned her forehead against his shoulder andsighed. "I'm trying, Kevin. I'm really trying"

"I know."

Kevin


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Time had no rhyme or reason. The more Kevinconsidered it, the less any measured amount of

passage made sense. Yesterday was a decade ago,twenty-one years was just an hour. Some thingswere fresh and alive, while other distant memorieswere seconds old. One split second decision changedthe course of a lifetime, and each tick of the clockreminded him of that as he watched Jana finally

sleep.

What if he'd never left? Where had they been headedyesterdayat least, it felt like yesterday? Was it

possible it was twenty-one years ago? A lifetimeago? Hell, several lifetimes?

If Nicole was there, that meant that Jana wasn't far

behind, and Kevin felt his heart skip a beat. He

wanted to be polite and talk to Nicole, but he had the

overwhelming feeling to look around and see if Jana

was there too, even if he had no idea what he'd say

to her. Nicole patted his arm lightly, teasing himabout his longer hair and saying he looked good.

'How was Florida?' she asked, and he fought the

urge to say 'far from here.' Instead he smiled and


49/97

said it was great, raved about the weather, doing

some local theatreuntil last week when he'd gotten

that horrible phone call. He left that last part out

and asked how things were in Irvine, reminding

himself not to bring up Jana unless Nicole did.'

"Are you kidding? How is anything in Irvine?

Boring and in the middle of nowhere. You haven't

been gone that long, Kev!" she teased, patting his

arm again. "You going to be around for awhile?"

"I'm not really sure," he answered, choking back the

fear in the answer.

Suddenly, she looked sad, concerned. "Oh, that's

rightI'm sorry. I forgot about your father'scondition. How is he?"

He nodded and inhaled to get through the question.

Eventually he'd be able to answer that without the

panic in his chest. "He's doing okay..." 'For a guy

with cancer,' he wanted to add. Slower, weaker,thinnernot like his fatherat all.

"We're all praying for him," Nicole said, leaning in


50/97

to give him another hug. He wanted to pull back and

tell her to quit groping at him. Instead, he patted her

back quickly and pulled away with a mumbled 'thank

you.' "You going to be hanging around the Bend

again? There's a whole new crowd now."

He shrugged, looking to Mickey with that secret

'help' look they had. "Not sure, Nicole."

"Hey, Kev, let's go," Mickey said, knocking his handinto Kevin's arm easily. He nodded to him and

looked back at Nicole. "Good to see you, Nicole."

"You too, Kevin." She leaned back against the car

and crossed her arms loosely. "You still have my

number? Call me."

As he walked away, he looked at Mickey and shook

his head slightly. "She hasn't changed much, has

she?"

"She drives now," Mickey laughed. "Now she'shitting on everyone in Irvine and the surrounding

areas."


51/97

"Great," Kevin snickered. "She, um, still friends with

Jana?"

Mickey whistled low and tilted his head to the side.

"Wow. That was three days before you asked about

her. That's pretty good, man."

"What? I'm not allowed to ask? I did date her for

over a year, you know."

"Oh, I know," Mickey agreed. "And yes, they're still

hanging out. But Jana's over you, dude. She was

dating someone all this year." Kevin pursed his lips

and nodded without comment. "Well, she wasn't

going to sit around and wait for you to come back,

Kev. Life goes on, you know? Even in Irvine."

"What?" Kevin asked defensively. "I didn't say

anything!"

"You should have hung out a little bit longer,"

Mickey continued. "She's apparently been takinglessons from Nicole, if you know what I mean."

Kevin nodded again, biting the side of his tongue. It


52/97

was going to be like this? Being back in the middle

of nowhere, watching his father die, with only

Mickey around from the old gang to hang out with?

Old town gossip about him, gossip about everyone

else still here

"Her boyfriend was talking about it," Mickey

continued when Kevin didn't respond.

Kevin shot him a stern look and stopped walking."Look, Mikey, I don't want to know, okay?"

"Little jealous there, Kev?" he teased, nudging him

playfully.

"No," he answered tiredly. "I just have moreimportant things to think about."

That had shut Mikey up, but now, all these yearslater, Kevin couldn't help wondering. What if he hadwaited around a little longer?

Would they have spanned the globe together,separately, or would they have stayed right wherethey were now? Would there be a Foundation?


53/97

Would his name ever have been on Broadway, or theWest End? Would he have the studio? TheAcademy? Had this been the plan all along? Had it

been necessary to jump through the hoops if theywere going to end up back in Irvine anyway?

Would they have a child in college now? Highschool? Like his father had warned? Looking atLiam, considering his age, he seemed so young, but

life would catch up in a blink. At eleven, Kevin hadstill been in Harrodsburg with his family, playing onthe farm. AJ, Nick and Howie had already been inthe kiddie talent circuit, going to school in theirspare time. Hell, Nick had only been a year olderthan Lyric was now when he got started, and Lyric

changed her mind like commercials on TV when youasked what she wanted to be when she grew up.What had caused Nick to stick with one thing at sucha young age? What had caused any of them to focusso fiercely on entertainment at such young ages?While Nick had been strutting around on some

Tampa stage, Kevin had been eighteen and stilltrying to figure out what to do with his life. AirForce, entertainment, marriage He shook his head

as the contrasts rattled in his mind.


54/97

It was all such an intricate weave of fragments andchoices, chances lost and patched back together withfate.

Jana rolled over and smiled up to him lightly."What're you doing?" she asked, her voice groggy.

"Thinking too much," he whispered, leaning over to

kiss her forehead. "Go back to sleep."

"Thinking about what?" She moved closer to curlnext to him, putting his arm around her waist.

"To be honest with you, I don't even know. I can't

make sense of it." He snuggled closer and sighedcomfortably. "The one thing that makes sense isyou."

Jana

"Why did daddy leave?" Shannon asked as she atebreakfast before school.

Jana turned and looked at her. "He didn't goanywhere. He's upstairs, Shannon."


55/97

"No," she sighed, putting her spoon down, "backthen. When you were in school."

"In the olden days," Liam teased, watching themovement on his palm game.

"Game down, Mister," Jana laughed. "For that crack,you may never see it again."

"Sorry, Ma," he giggled, turning to his breakfast.

"Daddy went to Florida because he wanted to be anentertainer," Jana explained, sitting down at the tablewith her coffee. "Why?"

"'Cause Karen's mama says she went to school withyou and that he just disappeared one day," Shannonsaid. "And she can't believe that you two actually gotmarried after what he did. What did he do?"

"Would you knock it off with this already?" Liamgroused, rolling his eyes. "He married someone else.You already know that."


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"Shannon, listen to me, okay?" Jana said, waiting forShannon to look at her. "You're going to hear a lot ofdifferent stories every once in awhile about daddyand me. If something doesn't make sense to you, I'drather you ask me than think the stories are true.Okay?"

"What kind of stories?" Liam asked, suddenlycurious.

"That's just it, Lee," Jana shrugged, "I don't knowwhat kind of things are being said about us anymore.Daddy and I know the truth, so if you hearsomething, ask us to tell you the truth, okay?"

"Oh, scandal," Liam laughed. "This should be moreinteresting than going to school in Louisvilleanyway."

"Well, let's see if you can pay more attention herethan you did in Louisville," Jana said, poking Liam's

arm.

"I wasn't failing," Liam protested.


57/97

"How about you try to do more than just not fail,"Jana tilted her head and smirked at him. "How aboutyou actually try to pass?"

Liam chuckled and finished his breakfast. "Samedifference."

"Go," she tousled his hair. "You're going to miss thebus. Tell Lyric to hurry up." Both kids got up, but

Jana reached out for Shannon and pulled her closer."Sweetie, do you know Karen's mama's name?"

"Nicole Shane."

"Thanks, Bunny." She kissed Shannon's forehead

and sent her on her way.

"I'll kill her," Jana exploded, walking into thebathroom while Kevin was in the shower.

"Her, who?" Kevin asked, sticking his head out fromthe curtain.


58/97

"Karen's mother!" She leaned back against thecounter and crossed her arms. "Mrs. Shane? Do youknow who Nicole ended up marrying?"

"Should I?"

He could never keep up with the old town gossip,she considered shaking her head. "Danny Shane,"Jana bit angrily. "And Shannon's friends with her

daughter. Nicole told Shannon that she can't believeI would marry you after what happened!"

"So, Shannon doesn't play with Karen anymore,"Kevin said easily, going back into the shower.

"That's not my point, Kevin. Maybe we werewrong."

"How?" he asked.

"Coming back here. Maybe there might be too many

stories about us."

She heard him chuckle, and then he peered backaround the curtain. "Jan? There's going to be stories


59/97

no matter where we go. Lots of people can't believewe hooked up, much less got married, much lesscame back here. You just don't like it that yourfriend Nicole is still talking." He went back into hisshower.

"She's not been my friend foryears," she saidangrily. "But I don't want her telling our kids storiesabout things that they shouldn't know about in the

first place!"

"So, tell her that."

She tilted her head, glaring at the curtain. "Gee,thanks for the support."

The water turned off, and he pushed the curtain backbefore taking a towel from the rack. "What do youwant me to say, Jana? We'll move becausesomeone's talking about us? I thought we weretalking about staying for good just last night?"

"Never mind." She shook her head and walked outof the room.


60/97

Can't believe you married him after what he did

What about what Nicole had done? What about thelies Nicole had sold to her? Sitting around telling herstories and comforting her while she cried over it.Convincing her to go against herself to sleep withMike, the next boyfriend Blaming her for losing

Kevin by not putting out when Jana had known inher heart of hearts that wasn't the reason he'd left.She'd never been able to figure out what it was back

then, but she wanted to believe it wasn't because ofanything she'd doneor hadn't done.

"Jan?" Kevin came into the room with the towelaround his waist, hair still dripping onto hisshoulders. "What do you want me to say?"

She dropped back onto the unmade bed and sighed."I don't know. But she has no right to talk aboutanything to our children."

He sat next to her and dropped back next to her,

turning to her. "People are going to talk, Jan. Butyou know what?" She turned to look at him andsighed again. "We've managed to keep our livestogether in spite of the talk that's been said about us.


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Hell, most people around here don't even have whatwe do. A past, present and most importantly, afuture."

"Tell me the truth," she said now, blinking thememory away and looking at Kevin as she leaned uponto her elbow. "You never screwed around with

Nicole?Ever?"

"Jana" He sat up with a sigh. "I told you already."

"Tell me again," she said. "Because what she toldme killed me that day."

"I told you..." He turned to her. "I was fucked up and

kissed her, but Jimmy and I left before anythingcouldever happen, and we left town a few hourslater. I never talked to her, wrote to her, encouragedher, called her I neverlikedher in the first place.Boys do talk in the locker room about certain girlsand they talked all the time about Nicole. She didn't

just have a reputation; she earnedhers rightfully."

"I know she was easy. You sure you didn't just go toher because I wasn't?"


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"I may have kissed her thinking that, sure." He stoodup and headed towards the chest of drawers. "But Ididn't want easyI wanted you, and left. What

difference does it make now, anyway?"

"None. It juststill hurts sometimes when I think

about what she said about you, knowing how I feltabout the whole thing."

"What 'whole thing?' There was no 'whole thing' tofeel about."

"Yes, Kevin, there was. You know she kept tellingme to sleep with you, don't you?" She looked up at

him. "That I was going to lose you if I didn't. Sheexplained everything to me, even showed me with a

banana, but I never did." He looked shocked andlaughed slightly. "She did." She chuckledsarcastically and looked out the window, dropping

back onto the bed again.

"Well, why didn't you then, if you got such worldlyadvice?" he asked sarcastically.


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"I was a good girl, and good girls didn't. I waspetrified. Scared I would do something wrong

Embarrassed I would screw it up somehow. I wassixteen and knew nothing, and what she was tellingme grossed me out."

"Jana, that was rhetorical. I knew why nothinghappened and respected that, remember?"

"But I was so in love with you, I felt guilty sayingno. And if I had seen you again, I probably wouldhave said yes if you'd tried again. Especially afterthat last night we spent together. That's why Iwanted to go home so quickly. I was scared I wasgoing to say yes if you pushed any more."

Those green eyes watched her every move, even

when she wasn't moving. Just the two of them, lying

next to each other in that small bottom bunk in St.

Michael's cabin with candles lit around them. He

was only wearing his jeans, and she was in a much

more compromising position of wearing only her braand panties, but his skin felt so soft and warm

against hers.


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"What?" she whispered, feeling herself blush. She

lifted an arm up, attempting to cover some part of

her, but he slowly smiled and took her wrist, placing

her hand on his belly.

"You're so pretty," he said, moving to cover her,

lowering his head to kiss her gently.

She didn't want to think of what was happening,

where this might be leading, how she was going toget the courage up to deny her body again, how she

was going to say no to him. Especially when he

covered her like this, touched her skin softly enough

to give her Goosebumps. When he kissed beneath

her ear, she could barely breathe, feeling a deep

arousal between her legs... enough to bring her hipsup against his thigh.

Without words, he pulled her onto her side, and his

fingers played with the clasp of her bra, freeing her

from it. Once it was off, she was on her back, and he

fondled her stiffening nipples before leaning over toslide his mouth over one of them. She caught her

breath and stiffened beneath him, but all the while, it

just felt so good.


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"God, I want you," he mumbled, moving his kisses to

her mouth and his hand along her torso.

She turned her head away to stare at the paneling of

the wall and bit her lips together. "I can't."

"You can," he mumbled against her neck. "But

won't. I know." But his hands still moved along her

body, sliding slowly along the outside of her thighs,across the top of her panties and then down along

the inside. Without words, he managed to coax her

legs open, his fingers tickling the skin before

rubbing over the wetness of her panties. With

another sweep of his hand, deep within another kiss,

his hands slid beneath the material to the slick fleshbetween her legs, and she moaned into his kiss as his

finger slid along her clit. "God, you're so wet," he

whispered, kissing her jaw and neck. "I just want

to" He slid his finger inside of her, and she caught

her breath again as he slowly pulled out.

She shook with nerves, not knowing what she was

supposed to do, thinking that any movement would

give him the idea that she was more willing. If she


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touched him, it would be more of a tease. And she'd

never touched a guy before to know what to do.

Nicole had tried to tell her what she should do,

showing her with a banana in her kitchen, but Jana

just blushed and giggled, trying to change the topic.

Nicole hadn't let her. Instead, she'd, peeled the

banana and showed her more than she'd wanted to

know. She just couldn't do that.

He slid a finger inside of her again, and she heldonto the thin mattress, trying to remember how to

breathe. This is how teenagers got pregnant, she

reminded herself. It just felt too good to say no, and

she felt guilty for not saying yes. And if she tried to

say anything at this point, it wouldn't make any

sense. Her body had a mind of its own, liftingagainst his hand as she gasped in delight.

"You like that?" he asked quietly against her neck.

She nodded, breathing raggedly as he slid his finger

in again, andagainand again. "Relax, darlin'," he

mumbled before kissing her, mimicking hismovements with his tongue. She clutched the

mattress harder, spread her legs a bit further and

felt the room start to spin as her orgasm took over


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her body. "Damn, that was sexy," he mumbled,

thrusting his hips against her thigh, his breath hard

against her shoulder.

What should she do? How was she supposed to do

it? She couldn't. Her parents would kill her if they

found out. Kevin pressed against her again, and she

listened to his breath come quicker against the

sound of the crickets. "Justoh, God," he muttered,

closing his eyes and biting his lips together beforehe was silent and stiff against her.

"I have to go home," she said quickly, pulling away

from him and looking around for her clothes. She

was embarrassed and ashamed, guilty and scared.

"My father's going to kill me if I'm late."

"Jana" She had her back to him, fumbling with her

bra clasp with shaking fingers. Seconds later, she

could feel his lips against her spine and she wanted

to sob and scream all at once. He kissed her

shoulder and neck as he sat up, leaning his chestagainst her back and wrapping his arms around her

waist before a hand slid up to cup one of her

breasts. "I can't hold out forever. Nothing bad would


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happen. I have protection"

"I can't," she said, pulling away and stepping into

her jeans. "I told you"

"It's been over a year, though." He put his hands on

his knees and dropped his head. "What's going to

convince you?"

"I can't, Kevin. Pleasedon't ask me."

He turned his head to the side and exhaled heavily.

"I'm not," he grumbled. "I'm just" He bit his lips

together and shook his head. "You're gonna be late

for curfew." He reached to the end of the bed and

grabbed his tee shirt before standing up. "I'll meetyou outside." He kissed her quickly and headed out

the door.

"I didn't push," he protested.

"Bullshit you didn't!" she laughed.

He tilted his head slightly. "I might have nudged youa bit, but push?"


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"One man's nudgeanother's push," she told him."Either way, I wanted to, and I guess, partly becauseof what Nicole had told me, I regretted not sleepingwith you."

He laughed and kissed her quickly. "So did I. But Ithink we've more than made up for it, don't you?"

"Don't you wish, though, sometimes, that there wasa do-over?"

"In the end, I think we made the right decisions.Who knows? You may have slept with me andregretted thatand we wouldn't be here today. You

would have resented me."

"I would not."

"Yeah, you would. You'd have done it out of guiltand not desire."

"You're wrong. It would have been more out ofdesire than guilt. Trust me, I wanted to, but I was tooscared to admit it."


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"Then that would have been the resentment," he saideasily. "Jana, I didn't leave because of anything youdid or didn't do. We both know all this already. I left

because I wasn't going to get anywhere if I stayed,because I had a fight with my father about my futureand he wanted me to do more. It wasn't anythingagainst you. I was tossed out of the nest and forcedto fly, so to speak."

"You soared, though."

"Yeah, and so did you," he reminded her. "Andwe're back where we started which only proves onething to me."

"What's that?"

"We were right all along. And the fact that Nicole isstill talking about it tells me that she's still jealous ofyou. And she should be. You weren't like her and

she wanted you to be, so you'd be down on herlevel."

"Well, aren't you philosophical?"


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"No." He kissed her quickly. "I'm right. Now, canwe forget about Nicole?"

She lifted up and kissed him, draping her armsaround his shoulders and pulled him down with her."Nudge me," she teased, sliding her fingertips downhis spine. "I might give in this time."

They were both downstairs freshly showered,smiling silently at each other and not needing to talk.Kevin looked over the rim of his mug as he sippedhis coffee and Jana smirked knowingly. It had beenages since they'd spent the morning making love and

lounging in bed, recuperating before another round.

"Hello?" There was a knock at the screen door, andJana looked down the hall to see her father comingin.

"Hi, Daddy," she said, her eyes laughing as sheglanced at Kevin.

"Late morning?" Tom asked, looking at them with a


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smile. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No," Kevin scoffed, motioning to a chair. "Coffee?"

Tom waved him off, but took a seat. "I just came byto tell you the good news in person."

"Good news?" Jana asked, hopefully, sitting up a bitmore straightly.

"I had a doctor appointment this morning, and theytold me it's gone," Tom announced. "The treatmentsworked." His smile was the brightest Jana had everseen. "Clean bill of health." He reached out and tookJana's hand. "It's over."

Jana wiped the tears from her eyes as she finishedkissing her father's cheek. "We have news, too," shetold Tom, taking his hand. "Kevin and I decided lastnight that this is home. We're staying."

Like a ghost don't need a key Your best friend I'vecome to be

Please don't think of getting up for me You don'teven need to speak


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When I've been here for just one day You'll

already miss me if I go away So close the blinds and shut the door You won't

need other friends anymore Oh, don't leave home, oh, don't leave home

And if you're cold, I'll keep you warmIf you're low, just hold on

Cos I will be your safetyOh, don't leave home

I arrived when you were weak I'll make youweaker, like a child

Now all your love you give to me When your heart

is all I need Oh, don't leave home, oh, don't leave home

And if you're cold, I'll keep you warmIf you're low, just hold onCos I will be your safety

Oh, don't leave home

Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be When it'sjust you and little me


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Everything is clear, and everything is new So you won't be leaving will you

And if you're cold, I'll keep you warmIf you're low, just hold onCos I will be your safety

Oh, don't leave home,

Cos I will be your safety Cos I will be your safety

Cos I will be your safetyOh, don't leave home*

* Don't Leave Home-- Dido, Life for Rent 2003

Kevin & Jana's High School Story Alone

December

Kevin pulled back from kissing her, looking up over

her head towards the sprig of mistletoe. "I'd do thatwithout that, but since it's there." The whole room

had been filled with Kevin's family and she met them

all; aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, brothers... At
http://wickedthought.com/Highschool/hschoolindex2.htmhttp://wickedthought.com/Highschool/hschoolindex2.htmhttp://wickedthought.com/Highschool/hschoolindex2.htm


75/97

least Kevin didn't let go of her hand. She wouldn't let

him. This had been the most petrifying thing she'd

ever done and blew away any sort of competition

she'd ever participated in. If she could get through

this, there wouldn't be anything she'd ever be scared

of again.

"Yeah, since it's there," she giggled quietly. The

dining hall was empty now, all the relatives having

gone home or back to the house across the way.

"You look great. Did I tell you that already?"

She blushed lightly and smiled. "Yes, you did,

several times. And thank you - again. You look pretty

amazing yourself in that suit."

He smiled, taking her hand. "I clean up pretty good

sometimes." He took her coat from the hook and

held it for her, sliding it up over her shoulders.

When she turned around, he reached out and helped

to finish doing the buttons and pulled the soft collarup for her, bringing her closer to kiss her again.

"Ready for your present?"


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She giggled and moved up onto her toes to kiss him.

"I get presents?" she asked playfully.

"Well, yeah! What's the fun of Christmas without

there being presents!" He slipped his coat on and

took her hand, leading her outside into the cold

night air. The sky was clear and every star shone

brightly overhead as he led her down the drive. She

watched their breath evaporate into the air and

listened to the sound of their footsteps in the silence."Gonna snow," he added.

"You think?"

"You can hear it, can't you? That kind of quiet only

means one thing. Snow." He released her hand andput his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer

for warmth, and looked up. She loved this - just this -

walking quietly with him and not feeling the need to

fill the silence. She loved the way he could embrace

the world around him and understand it

somehowunderstand how the need to blend in andnot conquer, and feel so at ease with it all.

He led her to one of the cabins and opened the door.


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Warmth hit her immediately and she realized the gas

stove was burning. Taking her coat, he laid it across

one of the cots before moving around the room and

lit candles, then turned on the CD player low. He

picked up a small box next to it and turned, handing

it to her with a smile. "Merry Christmas."

"I didn't bring you yours. It's under the tree at

home."

He moved to one of the other cots and sat down,

taking her hand and brought her to sit next to him.

"I'm not looking for presents, darlin'. Just open it."

Her fingers shook with part excitement, part cold,

but she managed to get the wrapping off and openedthe box to find a pair of small diamond earrings.

"Oh my God, Kevin!" she whispered, her eyes

widening.

"You like them?" he asked hopefully. "They're not all

that big or anything, but"

"I love them!" She wrapped her arms around his

neck and blinked at the box in her hand. "They had


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to cost you a fortune!"

"I work, remember?" he chuckled.

"They're gorgeousjust so pretty!" She pulled back

and kissed him, touching her fingers to his jaw

gently. "So pretty." She looked back down and back

up to him. "Thank you so much."

"You're very welcome."

Immediately she reached up to take off the earrings

she wore and replaced them. Pulling her hair back,

she looked at him. "What do you think?"

"Beautiful," he said softly, reaching out to pull herin for a kiss. "And the earrings ain't so bad either."

He kissed her again, rising to his feet with her, and

started slow dancing. She rested her head against

his chest and inhaled the sweet, spicy scent of his

cologne as she closed her eyes. Nothing, absolutely

nothing, compared to this moment. She knew that atsome point in her life, she would think back to this

and remember that perfection exists.


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February

"I'll look into it already!" he yelled, storming out

of the house and to his car. Not even seven-

thirty, and already he was getting nagged. 'What

are you going to do?' he mocked his father in his

head. 'What's your game plan, Kevin? What're

you waiting for? Your future isn't going to justdrop into your lap you know!' I fuckin' KNOW

already!

He flew down the mountain with the stereo

blasting, screaming the words with whatever

was on the radio - something loud and angry.'What're you going to do? What're you going to

do? Huh? Huh? Huh? You can't lounge around

here forever' Like I want to?! So I can listen to

you nag at me day in and day out about the

choices I make? What the hell do you want me

to do? Make your own choicesall my boysmake their own choiceswell? Why can't you

just fucking let me do it? But out! It's my life,

damn it! If I want to sit on the fucking street


80/97

corner and pick my ass, I will!

He barely kissed Jana hello when she got in the

car. "Hello? Kevin?" Jana asked, reaching out to

turn down the music as they pulled away from

the curb. "Something wrong?"

He shook his head, heart still pounding. "No,"

he said shortly, glaring at the light. The last thinghe wanted was to have the same conversation

with her.

"All righty then" She rolled her eyes and sank

down into the seat. "Good morning to you too."

He didn't even bother to respond knowing

whatever would come out of his mouth would

only create more problems. Even knowing that

a lack of response would create a problem, it

was still better than starting a different fight. He

paid attention to the road, and Jana flippedopen her notebook without another word,

glancing nervously in his direction.


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As they pulled into a parking spot, he turned the

ignition off and started getting out of the car

until she reached out and touched his hand.

"Wait a second, will you?" she asked quietly.

He dropped back into the seat and closed the

door. "What?"

She leaned over and kissed him, waiting for himto open his mouth to her and kiss her fully.

Once he did, she rested her forehead against his

and offered a slow smile. She ran her fingers

along the back of his neck and kissed him again,

and he felt the tension lift slightly from his

shoulders. "That's all," she said, kissing the tip ofhis nose. He had to smile, even if it was weak.

Somehow, she always seemed to make him

smile.

"Thanks," he mumbled, returning a quick kiss.

"We're gonna be late."

"Try to have a better day," she told him as he

dropped her off at class. Her hand brushed


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down his arm as she turned and went into the

classroom and he headed down the hall as the

bell rang. No point in rushing. What difference

did it make? He stopped, leaning against a

locker and watched the hallways clear as he

stared at the cement block across the hall.

Really, what difference did it make?

He headed in the opposite direction of his classand pushed the doors open, heading back to the

car. He couldn't face any of this today. There

was no way he could concentrate when all he

could think about was what was going to

happen after he graduated. Most of his friends

had been accepted into some college, or at thevery least, still waiting to hear back. He knew

what he wanted, but there was no college that

could teach it to him. He was already practicing

daily, working at Cedar Village restaurant,

looking at joining a bandParadise, or

something like that. The education he neededwas experience, but trying to tell that to his

parents? No. No way. They didn't want to hear

it. That whole one in a million chance, have a


83/97

back up plan just in case, education to fall back

on'you like kids, become a teacher!'

Like hell!

There was an entire world out there that he

wanted to see. Sure, the Air Force would be a

way to do it, but it'd be years of being told

what to do and when to do it, and he knew assoon as he found something he liked, he'd be

dragged away to go shoot something. But in the

Air Force, he could become a pilot when he was

finished and travel for a living. But that was such

a long way away. He wanted something now.

He wanted experiencenow. He just wanted toget into the world and start living it.

'But face it, Kev,' he said to himself silently,

looking at himself in the rearview mirror, 'it ain't

gonna happen like that.' He snapped his fingers

and shook his head. 'You gotta do the workfirst.' He stuck the key in the ignition and backed

out of the parking spot. 'Do the legwork, at

least. That might shut them up for a while.'


84/97

He waited for Jana under the covered sidewalk

outside the gym after school later that

afternoon. Sitting on the half brick wall with his

arms folded and the collar of his coat pulled up

around his neck, he watched her as she came

out and stopped, blinking at him in shock as

students walked around her in their dash out ofthe building. "What happened to you?"

"Nothing," he answered with a lift of his

shoulder. "Ready to go?"

"No." She stood in front of him, out of the flowof traffic. "You disappeared. I didn't know you

were coming back, so I called my mom to pick

me up. She's on her way."

"Ohright."

"Where'd you go, Kevin?" She sat next to him,

dropping her backpack at her feet before

zipping up her jacket more against the cold


85/97

wind. "Why didn't you tell me you were

ditching?"

"Didn't know I was going to until it happened, I

guess."

"But where'd yougo?"

He looked out to the parking lot and noddedhello to some of the students coming out of the

gym doors with a casual smile. "Richmond. I got

the Air Force applications." He looked back at

her when she didn't reply. Her cheeks were

getting red with the cold and all she did was

look at him, eyes filling with tears. "What? I toldyou I was thinking about it."

She nodded and bit her bottom lip. "Is that why

you were so pissed off this morning? Your

parents were on your case again?" He looked

back around the parking lot, attempting not tofeel the thud of his heart in his chest or the pile

of lead forming in his stomach. Just having the

papers in his car made it all feel too real. "Are


86/97

youI mean, do they tell you when you have

to leave when you sign up?"

He flashed a quick look at her. "I didn't sign

anything, Jana," he snapped quickly. "I just got

the application and talked to some guy about

it."

"Oh."

She was biting her lips together again, looking

down to her sneakers and attempting to pull

torn stonewashed denim over her exposed

knee. Placing his hand over hers, he attempted

to comfort her with a smile. "I wouldn't signanything without talking to you first, Jana," he

said softly, watching as she lifted her head up to

him. "But I had to do something to get them off

my case. Getting some information won't kill

me, right?"

"But the Air Force might," she mumbled, turning

her head back down.


87/97

"There's no war goin' on," he said lightly, trying

to sound confident.

"Today."

"Oh, come on, now, Jan," he sighed. "It's not a

definite thing."

A car pulled up in front of them. "Call metonight after my class, okay?" she asked, leaning

over to pick up her bags. Before he released her

hand, Kevin kissed her quickly and walked her

to the car, said a polite hello to her mother and

closed the door behind Jana once she was

settled. He lifted his hand to wave slightlybefore heading back to his car.

'One down' he told himself in a heavy sigh.

Part of Jana was surprised to see Kevin's car pull upthe next morning, and she wasn't sure if she should

attempt to understand or be pissed off. He leaned

over and kissed her hello quickly before pulling out


88/97

of her driveway and turning the radio down. "Sorry I

didn't call last night. I went out with Jimmy and

didn't get home until late."

"Oh." She still didn't know what to think, or feel, but

at least he was talking this morning. "Where'd you

go?"

"Nowhere, just hung out at his place. My house was

a little tense." He took her hand casually as hedrove, watching the road.

"Oh," she replied, not knowing what else to say, or

where to look, afraid her expression might give

away too much. She had barely slept, trying to figure

out if he was going to join the Air Force, what hemeant by saying he would talk it over with her first,

and that only led to her mind wandering through

myriads of 'what if' questions. What if he joined?

What if they got married? What if he'd just got angry

and left without telling her? What if he asked her to

marry him, and she had to choose between Julliardand him? Would they have kids right away? Did he

want kids? It just was an endless circle of nonsense

and confusion and panic with no answ

like a ghost

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