Letting Go: Steps to Self Acceptance

Melissa Taylor, LMFTKim Passmore, RDCenter for Change

Perfectionism vs Excellence

Perfectionism

obsessiverigidunreachablesecretiveproductivityguardedsensitivecritical

Excellenceconsistentflexible obtainable goalsself-disclosingprocessopenapproachable kind

Profile of Eating Disorder Psyche Hypersensitivity Perfectionistic Pleasing others Externally focused Talented Intelligent Gifted in Arts Athletic

Consequences

Cognitive: distorted thoughts regarding worth, hard on self, black and white thinking

Spiritual: starts to distance themselves from God, sees God as punishing, sees themselves as a failure

Emotional: starts to shut down, rigid thinking, feels depressed and anxious

Social: isolate from important relationships, feels that others will judge them as they judge themselves

Perfectionism & Self-esteem Clients report a clear and destructive

voice in their head that is Hypercritical Despair-confirming Tyrannical

Ex: “everyone hates you,” “you are a burden,” “things will never work out for you”

How to Accept Self: Look internallyWorthiness does not equal worth

Worth versus worthiness

Worthiness is about action, intent to follow righteous principles of gospel

Worldly value versus eternal perspective Stay at home mothers Teachers Service professionals

The American Culture validates the tan, the thin, the rich, the well-dressed, the

body “perfected by surgical enhancements and reductions”

Sum of Our Actions

American society grades and measures us on the activities that we do

Learn this from birth… congrats you took your first step, grades in school

How many goals did you make in the soccer game, how fast did you run the mile, what college are you attending, how much money you make at your first job, what type of house do you live in, which neighborhood that house is in….

Worth from an LDS Standpoint

Heavenly Father states the worth of a soul is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10)

Our Savior gives examples of this worth by

Leaving the 99 and finding the 1 lost sheep (Matt 18:12)

Teaching us through the prodigal son how to treat the sinner and the penitent soul (Luke 15)

Worth and LDS (cont’d)

-Our worth is a constant Cognitive restructuring in therapy

-We are giving weaknesses to become strong (Ether 12:27)Accept your weaknesses and acknowledge them

-We learn line upon lineHave patience with yourself, this is a lifelong experience

-Find your identity through exploration and struggleThere are many gifts of the Spirit and every man is given a gift, but we aren’t given all the gifts

Combating the Negative Voice

Write down the negative thoughts you have about yourself

Be reasonable, ask someone you trust to look over your thoughts

Use a therapist to help you become aware of your self-defeating patterns

Negative Rational

I am fat

I am a failure

I am unlovable

I worry that others judge me before seeing who I really am

I need to show myself kindness when I don’t meet my expectations, others do

People tend to like me even when I don’t

The Gift of Progression

Vulnerability Brings us closer to othersShow weaknesses, energy in other

things than not being perfectTrust builds, learn how to do

relationshipsSearch for the Savior

Gifts of Self-Acceptance

When we are kind to ourselves we learn how to get up after falling

We learn that exploration is goodWe learn a sense of humorWe learn kindness towards selfWe learn tolerance and forgiveness for

ourselves, we love and let others have that same courtesy

We can love others as we love ourselves

Develop your identity

Accept self for inner qualities Give yourself permission to make

mistakes and learn Adopt the principle of being

perfectly imperfect Challenge yourself to do something

scary, face your fears

Objectifying our bodies never gives us joy

Accepting our body

The Myth of the Perfect Body (nationaleatingdisorders.org) The average American woman is 5’3.7” and

weighs 152 lbs, and wears a size 14. The average model is 5’11” and weighs 117

lbs, and wears a size 2. The average male is 5’9” and weighs 180

lbs. Although the ideal figure has become

thinner, the average woman’s figure has become larger.

Media, Youth, and Body Image Average teen watches 3 hours of

TV/day All media combined is 6 hours 32

min/day (Nielsen Media Research) 68% of Children have TV in bedroom

(Kaiser Family Foundation, 2003)

1 hour day watching websites, music, chat rooms, sending messages (D. Roberts, 2005)

Objectification of Body and Healthy Sexuality Sexualization (defined in APA 2007

report)Personal worth and characteristics are

overlooked in favor of sexual behavior or physical attraction

Narrow definition of attractiveness, based on “thin mentality”

Person is for others’ benefit, rather than a person with the independent worth

Relationship Consequences Girls/women displeased with self makes it hard for boys/men to find partners healthy (Schooler & Ward, 2006)

Men who view pornography see partners as less attractive, sexual intimacy is not as enjoyable, show decrease in affection (numerous studies, see APA 2007)

Objectifying people lack of empathy leads to less stability and satisfaction in relationships (numerous studies, APA 2007)

The Bottom Line

“If the image maker and pharmaceutical companies and fashion designers have their way, we will always be made to feel that we don’t fit. Either we don’t fit the clothes, or we don’t fit the ideal, or we don’t fit the lifestyle. We just don’t fit, period.”

--Emme, model and author, True Beauty

Stop The Madness

What you can do

Spring to Action

Fighting “Fatism”

Be aware of how you view beauty Boycott products that objectify bodies (men and

women) Look people in the eye instead of comparing Don’t participate in fat talk Stop dieting Get to know others Reject the thin ideal Acknowledge that we can’t see on the outside

the beauty someone has on the inside.

Elder Holland First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of

what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges, and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him.

Be a woman of Christ. All of this is to try to tell you how your Father in Heaven feels about you and what He has designed for you to become. And if for a time any of you are less visionary than this or seem bent on living beneath your privilege, then we express even greater love for you and plead with you to make your teenage years a triumph, not a tragedy. Fathers and mothers, prophets and apostles have no motive except to bless your life and to spare you every possible heartache we can spare you.

Elder Holland I plead with you young women to please be more accepting of

yourselves, including your body shape and style, with a little less longing to look like someone else. We are all different. Some are tall, and some are short. Some are round, and some are thin. And almost everyone at some time or other wants to be something they are not! But as one adviser to teenage girls said: “You can’t live your life worrying that the world is staring at you. When you let people’s opinions make you self-conscious you give away your power. … The key to feeling [confident] is to always listen to your inner self—[the real you.]”

As one Hollywood actress is reported to have said recently: “We’ve become obsessed with beauty and the fountain of youth. … I’m really saddened by the way women mutilate [themselves] in search of that. I see women [including young women] … pulling this up and tucking that back. It’s like a slippery slope. [You can’t get off of it.] … It’s really insane … what society is doing to women.”

Elder Holland

In terms of preoccupation with self and a fixation on the physical, this is more than social insanity; it is spiritually destructive, and it accounts for much of the unhappiness women

One would truly need a great and spacious makeup kit to compete with beauty as portrayed in media all around us. Yet at the end of the day there would still be those “in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers” as Lehi saw, because however much one tries in the world of glamour and fashion, it will never be glamorous enough.

Accepting Ourselves (Bodies)

Question the media; recognize the madness!

Fighting the Diet Downfall Accept our Genetics

Question the Media

Why do you feel compelled to “live up” to unrealistic standards? (Know your worth)

Talk back to the TVWeight Watcher’s commercial (“Diets don’t

work…”) Avoid magazines/articles/shows that make

you feel bad about yourself: pay attention to your feelings!

1891: don’t look like the poor unfortunate on the left who, shorn of her artificial inflationary devices & pads must, in the confines of her bedroom, through shame, try to cover her poor thin frame from the gaze of her beloved spouse.

End despair!

Are we obsessed with other’s bodies?

Media says: “They’re too thin!” Disparages celebrities

for having eating disorders one minute….and then

Media says: “You’re too fat!” Better not

have an eating disorder and be “too thin,” but you better not be too big, either!

We need to look at people as individuals rather than having their weight dictate our actions/beliefs.

Impact of Consumption

In a recent 2008 survey, 88% of women report trip to the dressing room made them re-evaluate their bodies

42% would change their waist 23% hips and thighs 10% rear 10% chest 4% arms

Impact of Consumption

64% of women said shopping for clothes is bad for self-confidence

80% reported they wanted to lose 30 lbs or more

10% reported they had cried in the dressing room

39% reported they have purchased something too small, hoping to lose weight

Imagine not knowing your dress size

“There were no standardized sizes for women’s clothing until the late nineteenth century. Imagine never being asked your size.” Jane Hirschmann & Carol Munter in When women stop hating their

bodies

The Diet Industry

Dieting is a BIG business

1970- 10 billion dollars in revenues 1996- 33 billion dollars in revenues 2002- 40 billion dollars 2006- 63 billion dollars 2008- estimates over 100 billion The Diet Industry Targets Girls and

Woman

Downside of Dieting:Losing Self-Esteem In 2006:

Only 2% of Women in World call themselves “beautiful”

0% - Japan 6% - Brazil

86% of women are dissatisfied with their appearance.

Only 7% of women expressed little concern with their appearance.

92% of girls want to change 1 aspect of their appearance

The Price of Dieting

Diagnosis of eating disorders has increased significantly in the past 20 years

Onset is between age 13 & 18 years old One out of every four college aged women have

an eating disorder. 8 of 10 college women have disordered eating. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate

(up to 20%) of any psychiatric diagnosis.

Don’t Diet!

No Scales, no measuring cups No label reading, no counting calories No Good and Bad Foods Exercise vs. Movement Taste and Enjoy Food Honor Hunger/Fullness Eat 3 meals per day

Accept Genetics

Many aspects of your body cannot be changed

Do not compare your body with your friends, family, media images, roommates, etc.No two bodies are ever the same

Reality of Weight: Set Point

You have a genetically predetermined set-point (weight).

Dieting often causes your set point to raise Fighting your body/set point leads to

frustration and often leads to weight gain, eating disorders

You need to have normal eating patterns to maintain your set point

“HEALTHY WEIGHT”

Weight at which a person’s body

settles as they move towards a

more fulfilling, meaningful

lifestyle

NAME BMI WEIGHT STATUSGeorge W. Bush 26.3 OverweightWill Smith 27 OverweightYao Ming 27.7 OverweightGeorge Clooney 29 OverweightJohnny Depp 29.8 OverweightMatt LeBlanc 30 ObeseTom Cruise 31 ObeseShaquille O’Neil 31.6 ObeseArnold Schwarzenegger 33 Obese

BODY MASS INDEX

“Although BMI is a generally convenient

measure, it lacks a theoretical

foundation and may be compromised by

ethnic, cultural or lifestyle differences”

QJM, Association of Physicians in Great Britain, 2000, Sep;93(9):589-96

CREATING THE EPIDEMICTues. June 16, 1998: Overweight =

BMI > 27.3 for women, > 27.8 for men

Wed. June 17, 1998: Overweight =

30 million people woke up

overweight on Wednesday !

BMI > 25 RESULT:

Size Acceptance

Focus on the day-to-day decisions to get good, tasty fuel and fun physical activity, have friends, express yourself. These are the elements of a good life no matter what a person's body size. People of all sizes do it and should be recognized for it.

Notice how people are feeling and the quality of their lives rather than their weight.

Practice "weight neutrality" - focus on what you would focus on if weight was not an issue (in the culture, or to the person), whether you are a therapist, a friend, a clinician, or family member.

Work to change the discrimination and weight preoccupation in our culture

THANK YOU FOR NOT TALKINGABOUT YOUR DIET

Please be considerate of others.Please don't obsess about your weight

in this area.

© 1994-2007 Linda Baker and Miriam Berg for the Council on Size & Weight Discrimination, Inc P. O. Box 305, Mt. Marion, NY 12456. www.cswd.org

Befriending the Body A gift from our Heavenly Father

“He gave me my eyes that I may see the color of butterfly wings,

“He gave me my ears that I may hear the magical sounds of things…”

“I thank Him reverently for all His creations of which I’m a part. Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.”

What does your body do for you? What are you grateful for? How has it helped you? Write a letter to your body

An ESSENTIAL part of our progression It is not our enemy; it’s on our side!