Letter from the Editors

It's been a relatively steady year at Penn. Huntsman Hall is still vaguely phallic, DRL still houses the world'slargest repository of incorrect Maple problems, and D still cannot follow Q no matter how good the fajitas are. UnlessKofi Annan brings his Realdoll to commencement, the '04-'05 school year will enter the books as a giant exercise in thebanal. Without any real news, we at Punch Bowl have finally had time to delve deep into our own past. We didn’t findmuch at first, just some snap bracelets and a moldy Dorito. But then we discovered that the Punch Bowl, a magazineof 100-odd years, has it own sordid history.

We've always been the rough-and-tumble outcast of the campus' publications. Scrappier, meaner, anddishwasher-safe; we’ll take anything on. If that includes the DP and a busload of anemictoddlers, so be it. If that includes eight decades of penis jokes, even better. Over theyears, we’ve polished our respected and unique middle class sensibility. Alright, uppermiddle class. But still, beneath the crust and above the filling lies Punch Bowl'sTraumatic Childhood.

There was a time when the Ivy League was filled with the aristocratic elite; drunk,rich, and dressed to the nines. They founded Punch Bowl as a lark during halftime at apolo match. Their early martini-laden rantings would today be considered racist, anti-Semitic, and hilarious reprehensible. And what about the DP? Until they stop runningthose American-backed Zionist crossword puzzles, the Intifada continues.

Screaming Violently,

Will Smythe,30% Off

Dave Kornfeld,Curt Jester

JM & YZ

“Let’s play doctor, I’ll be the otoscope.”

Volume 79 Spring 2005 Issue Three

Melody KramerRob Cohen

Steph BachulaMichelle Zimmerman

Michael GutmannWayne Kerr

Punch Bowl would like to thank $AC,Smoke’s, Abner’s, Greek Lady and Gojjo’s.Punch Bowl is not responsible for any anger,confusion, or horsegagging suffered as a resultof consumption of this magazine. It’s not ourfault you don’t have a sense of humor.

© Punch Bowl 2005

Editorial Staff

SpoonsWe admit we’re

We are proudly funded by the fine folks atSAC. We don’t really know what SAC standsfor. It could be the Student Activities Council,or Stringently Allotted Cash, or Sexy AsianConcubines.

Cover by Will Smythe.

Editors-in-Chief:

Associate Editors:

Business Editor:Murders & Executions:Editor Emeritus:Executive Illustrator:

Dave Kornfeld ‘06Will Smythe ‘06Deirdre Norris ‘07Mike Weingarth ‘07Johnny McNulty ‘07Chris Van Orden ‘07Alex King ‘08Kevin Kimura ‘08Cathy Schaefer ‘06Chloe Jacobs ‘06Rob Cooper ‘05Tim Pirolli Med ‘08Yifei Zhang ‘07

by Mike Weingarth, Johnny McNulty, Chris Van Orden, Dave Kornfeld,

New Courses for 2005

PHIL092: Perspectives In Hypothetical Dispute Resolution - Land-shark vs.Aqua-tiger? Indiana Jones and Han Solo vs. Darth Vader and Napoleon?Robin if he was straight vs. Batman if he was gay? Captain Planet vs. Shaqvs. Emeril? George Washington's torso vs. Abe Lincoln's legs? Exegesis vs.Analgesic? Auteurism vs. Autism? Cerberus and Minotaur vs. Lassie?Hamburger Helper Glove vs. Arby's Mitt? Nature vs. Nurture vs. New JackCity, starring Wesley Snipes? Who would win in a slam-dunk contest?Prereq: STAT 435: Advanced Probability and the Slam Dunk Contest

STREET034: Introduction to Trendy Journalism - Poor people suck. ZING!Hey sorority girl I banged last week, I ripped that condom beforehand,HEYO! Tight pants are totally hip this week, ROCK! Super-secret auditionsfor cool people ended last week and you didn't make the cut, ROFLMAO!Prereq: 7 or above on the Hip-O-Meter, or nothing.

COML237: Write My Book - As many of you know, I'm working on a book this semester. Whatmight you not know, is that I am completely without desire to do so. I don't give many A’s, unlessyou're writing my book. All readings are required…to write my book. The final exam will be youbuying the book that I wrote. I wrote it.Prereq: COML235: Kiss My Ass

BIOL539: Advanced Narcoleppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppawjefefefefefefefefef efefefefe-fefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefefef;allllllllsdfllllllllafl;iiiiiiiiiiiiiiifPrereq: BIOL102: Intro to Narcolepssssssssssssl;kkkkggggggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaalah;gkkkkkjplg.

ANTH459: Neo Pre-Postmodernism in Contemporary Antiquity - This class will conceptualizeshifting variables in the development of modernism read through a critical lens based on

Rousseau's visualizations of past and present cross-referenced with Geertz's hypotheses on how contemporary cul-tures are created, promulgated and perpetuated inside a consumerist mentality combined with a westernized Zen aes-thetic. We'll also be linking penguins to Nerf balls.Prereq: ANTH421: 18th Century Bullshit: The Renaissance

ENGL023: Cliché - It’s been done. Prereq: BIOL048: A Bird in the Hand, or NURS033: Two in the Bush.

ENGL109: Fan Fiction - Harry awoke from his soft, sleepy slumber to the sound ofHermione rummaging beneath his bed. “Hermione, what are you doing in my chambers?”

“I forgot my spellbook, and I need to study for McGonnigle’s test.” “You bookworm, that test is weeks from now.” Hermione emerged from beneath the slumber slab, hair tussled and glasses askew.

“I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I can’t stop thinking about magic wands.”Harry sat up and slowly reached over and pushed her glasses up the bridge of her

nose. “I think you’re casting a levitation spell on me, Herm.”“We don't have to tell Ron, do we?"

This course does NOT fulfill the Writing Requirement, creep.

What a greatbook!

...and then he didsomething he’d

never done before.

When not spiting God,Darwin was a doodler.

Circle one from each group that best describes yourideal roommate:

1. HOT NOT 6 out of 10 arsonist

2. smoker snorer knife enthusiast

3. cleanliness godliness fugliness Green Party

4. eats pork eats tofu eats roommates

5. gets up early gets off earlynever wakes up never gets off

Tell us a few things about yourself:

Do you want children?p Yesp Nop Only if they come with fries

What kind of job would you like to have?p I-bankerp Consultantp Doctorp I-banking consultantp I-banking consultant doctor

Where is Alexander Hamilton now?p In my textbookp In my walletp In my heartp In Trinity Churchyard on Broadway

What's your favorite quote?p "There are big ships and small ships but no

ships like friendships."p "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than

a frontal lobotomy."p "Fuck Princeton!"p "Whoa, look at my anus! Get the camera!

Hurry!"

Which hobbies would you like to share?p American Sign Languagep Scientologyp Phrenologyp Ringworm

They Know Where You SleepBy Cathy Schaefer, Rob Cooper, Tim Pirolli, and Alex King

In the past, Penn has not matched roommates based on interests. But we think it should. So fill out this formor you’ll end up spending another year with Mike, the only guy at Penn clinically diagnosed with the Norwalk virus.Enjoy!

DK & JM AK

Super-Fun Children’s Toys

Humor us for a moment.Think back to a time before Walmart,Amazon.com, and the SalvationArmy. A time when your mom toldyou who your friends were and yourfriends told you who yo' mommawas. A time when most of yourentertainment came from non-vibrat-ing plastic.

Remember the store where allyour dreams came true? Does TOYS-R-FUCKING-US ring a bell? Let usinduce some nostalgia. Here are thetoys you wish you could have.Avoided.

by Dave Kornfeld and Alex King

From the makers of Puppy Surprise

Amy’s Adjustment to PennBy Tim Pirolli, Dave Kornfeld, Kevin Kimura, and Will Smythe

Penn has a lot of problems: relations with West Philadelphia are rocky at best; college houses don't providestudents an adequate feeling of community; David Rittenhouse Laboratory. As the one year anniversary of the mostheralded inauguration since that of Tenneesee governor Frank G. Clement approaches, we reflect on the adjustmentsthat President Amy Gutmann has undergone as she fills her new role and those tight, tight pants.

1. Mingle with indigenous population - Upon arrival at Penn in June the newly inducted president discovers she ispowerless in West Philadelphia as she steps out of her armored Humvee and is greeted by inquisitive locals. Theyoffer gifts of concealed firearms and requests for "all her fucking money."

2. Start using - Three weeks into the job, she accepts that her responsibilities include nothing more than being aparade participant and practicing proper dental hygiene for soliciting alumni sugar daddies. She now understands thatthere is a power greater than herself that can restore her sanity. That power? Pure Colombian blow.

3. Find God - After a 47-hour Atlantic City nickel-slots binge, she turns her will over to the Lord with the help ofCincinnati Bearcats point guard Jihad Mohammed.

4. Find self - At the behest of Jihad, Amy travels across Yemen to take a moral inventory of herself but fails, resultingin an unparalleled degree of shame, denial, and bedsores. Meanwhile, back at Penn, MexiCali opens a store at 40thand Sansom.

5. Confession - Amy returns to Philadelphia in early October to admit to God and the world the exact nature of herwrongs. Namely, leaving Princeton.

6. Redemption - This step is usually where the addict is ready for God to remove all the defects from one's character.Instead, Amy unveils the WXPN building, signifying that she is entirely godless and devoid of goodness in her heart.

7. Re-redemption - Again, this step is where Amy should ask God to remove her shortcomings. Since she skippedStep Six, she substitutes a quick trip to Cereality for a Cheerios-Count Chocula bowl with raspberries and honey.

8. Make Amends - After a twelve day stay in HUP for food poisoning, Amy makes a list of all the people she hasharmed. Sadly, she misinterprets the instructions of this step and seeks them out in order to harm them again. Shebegins with Punch Bowl editor Will Smythe (SEAS, '06) by breaking his heart atop the Eiffel Tower…again.

9. Reconciliation - In early February, Amy begins to make amends to the people she has harmed by announcing plansto turn Fresh Grocer into the McNeil Institute for the Study of Early American History. As expected, local residentsare "tickled pink." Somewhere in the South Caribbean, Judith Rodin punches a cabana boy for not speaking English.

10. Acceptance of Responsibility - Amy takes a personal inventory and when wrong, she promptly admits it and actsto correct the wrong. Thus, she de-annexes the Gadsen Purchase.

11. Communion - In mid-February, Amy is ready to make a conscious contact with God. Thus, she goes back toCereality and has the mescaline and Lucky Charms special. For a week, she lives naked on the roof of the Fine ArtsLibrary, humming the Eagle's classic, "Tequila Sunrise," and throwing pebbles at anyone wearing a scarf.

12. Resolution and Self-Actualization - Being spiritually fulfilled and one with the Penn Presidency, she begins tocarry the message to other Ivy League Presidents. This decision directly results in a no-confidence vote for HarvardPresident Lawrence Summers and the much-anticipated exclusion of Brown from the Ivy League.

What Does the Penn Fund Do For You?by Deirdre Norris, Tim Pirolli

7:49 am: Woken up by morning sex next door. The condoms handed out by your RA were bought with alumni dona-tions. Protestant alumni.10:45 am: Stuck in an elevator between floors 17 and 18 in High Rise East. Flyers for Yofi and Jesus Week litter thefloor. Alumni donations fund Xerox copies, but not repairs. 11:04, 11:05, 11:21, 11:28, 11:44 am: Emails received from Career Services about opportunities for Inuit Hispanicclassical studies majors regarding unpaid internships as waste management consultants in Uganda. Alumni donationspay for T3 connection and unpaid internships. 12:07 pm: Penn umbrella is lost forever in an 83.9 mph gust whilewalking through Super Block. Wind tunnel sponsored by Class of1975. Umbrella provided by Class of 1974. 1975 hated 1974. 1:00 pm: Lunch at Commons. Last alumni donation: 1920. 1:30-4:30 pm: Bio lab, dissecting a dogshark. Meanwhile, alumnifunding pimps out JMHH with 427 flat screen TV's and a third ABP,for emergency use only. Dogshark was pregnant. Lovely.5:45-7:00 pm: Studying at the Rosengarten Reserve in Van Pelt.Each carousel, floor tile, and chair leg commemorates a generousJewish alumnus. You wonder aloud why so few Asian alumni donateto the school. Peeved, you throw a penny at your friend Mike Tseng.10:37 pm: Free Milwaukee's Best at Spruce Street frat funded by fratalumnus who also pays child support due to free Milwaukee's Best atSpruce Street frat.1:27 am: Hot Dog guy is outside of Smoke's. He's an alumnus … of Sociology. All is right in the world.

Ever been independently wealthyand in the mood for a baguette?

The Watson & Crick The Passion The Da VinciThe Venn The MacGuyver

The Kekulé The Rorschach The Optimus Prime The Ronald Reagan* The Robespierre

The PythagorasThe R. KellyThe Hamburglar

* you know, ‘cause he had that disease.

The Rube Goldberg

The Van GoghThe Salvador Dali The Flipper

by StaffCongratulations! You made it to page 9! Now what you’been waiting for: gratuitous genitalia jokes at theexpense of celebrities and historical figures! So whip out the KY and get the Emergency Medics on thephone ... you’re about to get pounded with some hardcore cockring action! Be foreskinned ...er, warned!

Great Cockrings in History

A Family Vacationby Deirdre Norris

There's only nine more days, seven hours, and 48 minutes left before Mommy, Daddy, me, and thebaby in Mommy's belly go on the big airplane to Disney World. Daddy is always silly on the plane: he asksthe flight attendants for lots of drinks so he doesn't feel the bumpies. He also asks the women flight atten-dants if they've joined the mile high club yet. It is funny because Mommy turns bright red and smacks him.

Last year when we went to Disney World, we had lots of fun. As Daddywould say, "more fun than two hookers, a pony, and a bachelor's party." Westayed at the Disney hotel so when we went to Magic Kingdom, we got to rideon the Monorail. I didn't like the Monorail because there was nobody driving! Itreminds me of the time Mommy forgot to hold the steering wheel when she wason her phone with Uncle Bobby and then we went crunch and our pretty redminivan went to the car cemetery.

My favorite ride at Disney World is the Tea Cups. It makes me dizzy likewhen Daddy pours the Jacky Danny Juice into my milk. Daddy didn't ride theTea Cups with me ‘cause he was playing golf with the guys with white shoesand colorful pants all the time. After he played golf, he visited an Asian ladywho helped him with his stoke and balls. But he told me never to tell Mommy orelse he wouldn't feed me Legos anymore.

Everyday, we went to the big parade to see Mickey and Minnie and alltheir friends. One time at the parade, Pooh Bear gave me a big hug and thentook me away from Mommy. He gave me lots of candy and tickled me lots too,just like Grampa does. But Pooh Bear didn't take any pictures. I guess he wasout of film. Later I saw Mommy again and she was crying but I don't know why.

Lots of people go to Disney World. There were so many fat people too. Ieven saw a lady with fat rolls on her eyelids. A lot of the fat people got to ride in

special scooters so they could get fatter faster. I wanted to ride in their scooters but Mommy said they werefor "fat bastards," and I should keep my "skinny ass" away fromthem. When I grow up, I want to be fat enough to ride one ofthose scooters.

After we came back to the hotel, I got into my pj's.Mommy and Daddy didn't wear their pj's though, at least notwhen they thought I was sleeping. Daddy was tickling mommyuntil she was out breath, then he tried to climb over mommybut kept getting stuck. Mommy made daddy stop thoughbecause she said she didn't want the baby to get brain dam-age. I don't know what that means but that made daddy madand he went into the bathroom to cry, for 10 minutes.

I have to go now and brush my teeth. Mommy tells meto floss, but I don't so I lie to that stupid ho' and tell her Iflossed. I hope Santa doesn't give me coal for Christmas. Oh look! nine days, seven hours, and 13 minutes until we go toDisney World. I can't wait!

Disclaimer: There’s nothing funny about child abuse.Thousands of children are abused every year. Many of themdon’t even take ballet.

WS

Daddy calls me Yo-Yo!