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LET THERE BE

FACEBOOKStatus Updates from God, Gaga, and Everyone in Between

AN UNAUTHORIZED PARODY

Travis Harmon

& Jonathan Shockley

A TOUCHSTONE BOOK

Publhed by Simon & Schter

New York London Toronto Sydney New Delhi


3/13

This work is an unauthorized parody and is not endorsed by Facebook, Inc.

TouchstoneA Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

1230 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY 10020

Copyright 2011 by Travis Harmon and Jonathan Shockley

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions

thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address

Touchstone Subsidiary Rights Department,

1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Touchstone trade paperback edition November 2011

TOUCHSTONE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases,

please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949

or [email protected].

The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event.For more information or to book an event contact

the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049

or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.

Designed by Ruth Lee-Mui

Photo credits appear on pages 14748.

Manufactured in the United States of America

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

ISBN 978-1-4516-5943-6

ISBN 978-1-4516-5945-0 (ebook)


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LET THERE BE FACEBOOK 1

God

God

Let there be light.

Big Bang OK sure thing.

GodThis is good.

Big Bang I guess, if you think the universe

expanding rapidly is good, yeah, sure.

God

Let there be a rmament in the midst of the waters,

and let it separate the waters from the waters.

Big Bang Dude, the universe is just

cooling, which leads to expansion.

God

And it is so.

Big Bang Duh.

God

Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding

seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which there is

seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth.

Big Bang Whoa! Slow up, man. We got a

few billion years to go! Lets not rush this

shizz.


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2 TRAVIS HARMON& JONATHAN SHOCKLEY

God

Let there be lights in the rmament of the heavens to separate the

day from the night, and let them be signs for seasons and for days

and years, and let the lights in the rmament of the heavens give light

upon the earth.

Big Bang Lights in the rmament of the heavens? You mean

the collapsing molecular clouds that will eventually become

stars? Have you ever even read a book?

God Listen, Poindexter, nobody likes a know-it-all. Im trying

to make something here and youre ruining it for everybody.

Big Bang Im just doing my thing.

God Do your thing, bro, but lose the attitude.

Big Bang Youre the one taking credit for someone elses

work over here.

God Thats blasphemy, chief. Youre cruising for a smiting.

Big Bang You cant smite a theory.

God Forget this. Im gonna make some people.

Big Bang See, youre all Im gonna make this when its the

scientic processes that started with me that will result in the

birth of humankind.

God Whatever. Im the one that gets to mess with em.

God is now friends with Adam.


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Adam

God

Sup, big guy?

Adam Just chillin. Enjoying some peace

and quiet. Hey, thanks again for making

me.

GodNP, dude. Lil worried tho, bro. You got

to get out of the house.

Adam A house is what now?

God

You know what you need?

Adam Nothin. Im good.

God A woman.

Adam A woman is what now?

God

Little action would x you right up.

Adam Srsly, brah, Im tip-top. Just got

made. Hanging out in the garden with all

the nargs and littlenargs.

God Those are trees and bushes.


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Adam Are you not keeping the names I came up with? I

spent a lot of time on those.

GodTonight when youre asleep Im going to make you a little friend out of

your rib.

Adam Uh . . . that doesnt even make sense.

God You can thank me later.

Adam For a rib monster?

Adam became friends with Eve using the Only Other Person on Earth

Finder.

Adam is in a relationship with Eve.

God

You guys are going to have a blast. Just as long as you dont, um . . .

let me pick something arbitrarily here . . . dont eat this certain fruit.

Adam A fruit is what now?

God Formerly known as nargbuttons.

Adam I SPENT A LOT OF TIME COMING UP WITH THOSE

NAMES!

Eve invited Adam to a Fruit-Eating Party.


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Fruit-Eating PartyAdam was invited by Eve

When The Birth of Shame

Where Tree of Knowledge

Creators Eve, Serpent

Info Bring your appetite! And something to cover up

your lthy, lthy body.

Eve posted a pic.

Best thing Ive ever tasted. Sweet, juicy, plus I am so aware

of my naked vagina right now.

Serpent Toldja!

Adam Are you having an affair with that

snake?

Eve GTFO. Hes totally gay.

Serpent Everybody says that. I think itsbecause I got nice legs.

Adam is attending Fruit-Eating Party.

Will Be

There

Eve

Serpent

Adam

Sexist

Overtones

Might Be

There

Wrath of

God

Animals

Who

Suddenly

Want to Eat

Each Other


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Adam

Why didnt anybody tell me you could totally see my dick?

Eve You mean penis?

Adam Im sticking to my guns on this one.

God is attending Fruit-Eating Party.

God

Nice g leaves, a-holes. I can still see your junk.

Adam Dang.

Eve FML.

God

You cant even follow one capricious rule? If you arent going to stay

stupid, then youll have to work yourselves to death and painfully crap

out babies.

Adam FML.

Eve Dang.

Serpent Sucks to be you. LOL

God And gimme those legs!

Serpent But what am I going to do with all these shoes?


10/13


Abraham

God

Hey, you busy?

Abraham Sup.

GodKill your kid.

Abraham WTF?

God Do it.

Abraham And I would want to kill my kid

why?

God Cause I said so.

Abraham Cant argue with that logic.

God LOL, srsly, kill him.

Abraham JK Ill kill him.


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God Kill him good.

Abraham I wouldnt do this for anybody else!

God Actions, not words.

Abraham Should I bash his little head in with a rock?

God Nah, jes stab him, then burn him up.

Abraham OK, but you owe me.

God I see a lot of Facebook-postin but no Isaac-killin.

Abraham

OK, my sons all tied up to the rewood. Gonna stab him and then set

him on re. Wish me luck!!

Angel Hold up, dude, Gods totally messing with you.

Abraham You ass.

God LOL

Angel LOL, hilarious you were totally going to do it.


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God Father of the year over here.

Abraham ROFL You guys!

Angel Fathers Dayll be slim pickins at your house.

Abraham LOL You guys are evil.

God Hey, watch it.

Abraham Sorry.


13/13

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LET THERE BE FACEBOOK

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let there be facebook—read an excerpt!

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