laughs&lifts sept 2011

LAUGHS & LIFTS September 2011

Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603

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Gold Watch

The judge was instructing the jurythat a witness was not necessarilyto be regarded as untruthfulbecause he changed hisstatement from one which he hadpreviously made to the police.“For example,” he said, “when Ientered my chambers today, Iwas sure I had my gold watch inmy pocket. But then Iremembered that I left in on mynightstand in my bedroom.”

When the judge returned home,his wife asked him, “Why so muchurgency for your watch? Isn’tsending three men to get it a bitextreme?” “What?” said thejudge, “I didn’t send anyone formy watch, let alone three people;what did you do?”

“I gave it to the first one,” saidthe wife. “He knew exactly whereit was.”

"Don't play stupidwith me - I always

win."

Anniversary Flight

On an airplane, I overheard astewardess talking to an elderlycouple in front of me. Learningthat it was the couple's 50thwedding anniversary, the flightattendant congratulated themand asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..."the gentleman said slowly.

The stewardess had just begunto remark on what a sweetstatement that was when hefinished his sentence with aword that earned him a sharpsmack on the head:

"...underwater."

PLEASE SUPPORTPLEASE SUPPORT LAUGHSLAUGHS&&LIFTSLIFTS ADVERTISERSADVERTISERS

They are your neighbors, working hard to make itin these slow economic times and would

appreciate your business.

Pray for them!Pray for them!Without them, LaughsLaughs&&LiftsLifts doesn’t exist.

Menopause Jewelry

My husband,being unhappy with my mood swings,bought me a mood ring the other day

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when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.When I'm in a bad mood,

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Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Is published monthly byParrish Publishing

Roger Parrish, Publisher/EditorP.O. Box 681 Ozark, Alabama 36361

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Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Anyresemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purelycoincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories,

helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and picturesare published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to causedisillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination orother named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do notnecessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher.

Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603 [email protected]

LaughsLaughs&&LiftsLifts

Apple Pin

While visiting a friend who was inthe hospital, I noticed severalpretty nurses, each of whom waswearing a pin designed to look likean apple.

I asked one nurse what the pinsignified.

"Nothing," she said with a smile."It's just to keep the doctorsaway."

"Before they inventeddrawing boards, whatdid they go back to?"

Plenty of Places

I have been to plenty of placesbut I have never been in Cahoots.Apparently you can't go therealone, you have to be in Cahootswith someone.I've never been in Cognito either.I hear that no one recognizes youthere.I have, however, been in Sane.They don't have an airport, youhave to be driven there.It's not hard to get there and I'vemade several trips. I'm planning one inthe near future!

WEIRD

Did you know “listen” and “silent”use the same letters?

Do you know that the words “racecar” spelled backwardsstill spells “race car”?

And that “eat” is the only wordthat if you take the

first letter and move it to the last,it spells its past

tense “ate”?



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The Blues

Here are some tips for any ofyou that are in pursuit of acareer in the "Blues":

1. Most blues begin with"Woke up this mornin'....."This is to differentiate bluesmusicians from most othermusicians, who sleep pastnoon.2. The nice thing about theblues is that once you'vewritten the first line, you'repretty much done with thesecond line, too.3. Chevys and Cadillacs areblues cars. Other acceptableblues modes oftransportation are as follows: a. Greyhound bus b. southbound train c. walkin'4. You can have the blues inNew York City, but not inVail, or any town whosename ends in "Beach." St.Louis, Chicago and KansasCity are other good towns forthe blues.5. Shot in the back by ajealous lover is a blues wayto die. So is the electricchair. It is not a blues deathif you die during liposuctiontreatment.6. You have the right to singthe blues if: a. you're blind b. you shot a man inMemphis c. you can't be satisfied7. But not if: a. you shot an 85 at golf b. your Dad left you a trustfund8. Good places for the blues: a. a highway b. a jailhouse

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The Blues Cont.

c. an empty bed d. a freight train9. Bad places for the blues: a. Yellowstone NationalPark b. The country club c. gallery openings d. The Hamptons10. If you ask for water andyo 'baby' give you gasoline,that's the blues.11. Blues beverages do notinclude: a. any drink with anumbrella b. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) c. Jello shots12. Picking a blues name: a. start with an infirmity(Blind, Li'l, Fat, Lame,Clubfoot) b. add Willie, Johnny or Joe c. Pick a U.S. President(Washington, Johnson,Fillmore, or Roosevelt) d. Persons with names likeAshley, Chad, Kimberly,McKenzie, Brad or Tyler maynot sing the blues, no matterhow many men they shoot inMemphis.

"Mom's Bath Note"

Dear Kids,Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirtyminutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself todrown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm allfor science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like totest the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of woodbetween us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me,I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what Isaid a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blowdryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented anew way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phonestop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'llneed to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Continued on next page



Continued from page 5Do not use your brother and the laundry

marker. We can't send him to school with telephonenumber tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tellthe difference between the sound of "nothing" andthe sound of a child playing the piano with abasketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top ofyour lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you. Don't call your dad at work and tell him I amunconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate itlast time. He won't appreciate it more this time.Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water doesnot make me forgetful. I remember who you areand why you are grounded. No, you can't go toShelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby'shouse to use the bathroom. If someone is in ourother bathroom, you will just have to think drythoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and atail, do not think of going outside to "water" thelawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don'tfeel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside andkeep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throwrocks at the bathroom window to get my attention.I know it works in the movies. This is reality, theplace where people don't like to sit in a tub whilerocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not setthe house on fire.

Call me if there is an emergency.Emergencies ARE:1. Dad has fallen off the roof.2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.Emergencies are NOT:1. Dad has fallen asleep.2. Someone on TV is bleeding.3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last rollof toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy.It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. Inthe future, when the tub overflows, use a mop toclean up the water instead of every towel in thehouse. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was thetub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story.Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool ofwater you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are herebycanceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can doboth at the same time. Try coloring, playing agame, or paying that stack of bills on the coffeetable. I'll be out soon. Maybe.



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What is Causing You to get off Course? By: Elder Wallace Kennedy Jr

When we began this Christian journey God gave us a compass to take us to ourdestiny purposed by Him. Are you still on course? When we fail to follow thedirection the compass is pointing us, what is the cause? Is it NEGLECT becausewe are too busy walking through life that we forget to look at God’s compass(Word) to make sure we are headed in the right direction.

Is it PRIDE? Often times we want to determine the destiny ourselves. Relyingon our own strength, understanding, and abilities, we plan our own ROUTE.

Is it Distractions? Satan is offering you something pleasurable and you lost focus maybe. Is it lack of obe-dience? God doesn’t fit into your agenda. Maybe you are being discouraged because some difficulties oc-curred, and you failed to realize that God was teaching you something, equipping you for the challengesthat lie ahead on the journey.

Is it the DETOURS that you took?When times seem hard we have anatural tendency to refer to thearea of least resistance. On thisjourney of life there will be somehills to claim, a few pot-holds inthe road, some curves, low visibil-ity or cloudy, and maybe even awild or domestic animal cross ourpath of travel. Don’t leave thepath drive on with caution.

In times of uncertainty trust God’scompass, it never fails. No adver-sity changes His love and concernfor the outcome of our life. Godsays in Jeremiah 29:11 I knowwhat I'm doing. I have it allplanned out—plans to take care ofyou, not abandon you, plans togive you the future you hope for.(The Message)

The reference point for where youare and where you are going isfound in the Word of God.

If you are lost, this will getyou started in the right di-rection: Romans 10:9 Thatif thou shalt confess withthy mouth the Lord Jesus,and shalt believe in thineheart that God hath raisedhim from the dead, thoushalt be saved.



Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Anyresemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purelycoincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories,

helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and picturesare published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to causedisillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination orother named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do notnecessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher.

Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603 [email protected]

Cake Lesson

A little boy is telling his Grandmahow "everything" is going wrong:School, family problems, healthproblems, etc.

Meanwhile, Grandma is baking acake.

She asks her grandson if he wouldlike a snack, which of course hedoes.

"Here, have some cooking oil."

"Yuck" says the boy.

"How about a couple raw eggs? "

"Gross, Grandma!"

"Would you like some flour then?Or maybe baking soda?"

"Grandma, those are all yucky!"

To which Grandma replies: "Yes,all those things seem bad all bythemselves. But when they areput together in the right way,they make a wonderfully deliciouscake!"

She continued, "God works thesame way in our lives."

"Maturity has more to dowith what types of

experiences you've hadand what you've learnedfrom them and less to dowith how many birthdays

you've celebrated."

"Life has becomeso complex that

not eventeenagers haveall the answers

anymore."

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Golf Confessional

A man goes to the confessional."Forgive me father, for I havesinned.""What is your sin, my child?" Thepriest asks back."Well," the man starts, "I usedsome horrible language this weekand I feel absolutely terrible.""When did you do use this awfullanguage?" said the priest."I was golfing and hit anincredible drive that looked like itwas goingto go over 250 yards, but it strucka phone line that was hangingover the fairway and fell straightdown to the ground after goingonly about 100 yards.""Is that when you swore?""No, Father." Said the man. "Afterthat, a squirrel ran out of thebushes and grabbed my ball inhis mouth and began to runaway.""Is THAT when you swore?" askedthe Father again."Well, no." said the man, "Yousee, as the squirrel was running,an eagle came down out of thesky, grabbed the squirrel in histalons and began to fly away!""Is THAT when you swore?" askedthe amazed Priest."No, not yet." The man replied."As the eagle carried the squirrelaway in his claws, it flew towardsthe green. And as it passed overa bit of forest near the green, thesquirrel dropped my ball.""Did you swear THEN?" asked thenow impatient Priest."No, because as the ball fell itstruck a tree, bounced throughsome bushes, careened off a bigrock, and rolled through a sandtrap onto the green and stoppedwithin six inches of the hole. Thatis when I swore!

"You missed the putt, didn't you?"sighed the Priest.

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Two Bachelors,

Larry and Frank were out to dinner. Theconversation drifted from office, sports to politicsand then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” saidLarry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Toomuch fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You saidit, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of thoserecipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”

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Summer is waning and cooler weather is ahead. What arelief but don’t forget that fall is generally a dry season.So don’t let up your watering schedule because the plantsstill need your help.

Fall is the time to concentrate on your perennials and toprepare for spring. Regenerate your perennial by diggingthem up and dividing them. Remove your plants, shakethe dirt off the roots and gently separate the plants. Addabout 6 inches of your compost or other organic matterand mix it into the soil before replanting them. Tradetuber and roots with friends and expand your flowergarden varieties. Check out your local garden shop forspring bulbs. These blooms are worth all the time it takesto plant them. Have you thought of naturalize an area ofyour yard? That’s when you mass plant the area and,then in the spring, the whole area breaks out into bloom.King Alfred is the best Daffodil to use. Try getting smallerbulbs (which are usually cheaper) and these bulbs willincrease in number and size so that in a couple of yearsthere will be a huge blast of color every spring.

Now you can remove your stressed out annuals andreplace them with fall blooming plants such as Mums,ornamental cabbage, pansies and snapdragon. Drop byyour local garden shop and see what they have to offer.Just because the leaves are turning brown doesn’t meanyou can’t have color in your yard.

It is the time to collect herbs for the winter. You can drythem quickly by placing them between layers of papertowels in the microwave for about a minute or until theleaves are crisp. Store them in dark jars that are clearlylabeled and they will bring back delightful memoires ofsummer as you use them this winter.

As the nights get cooler the tomatoes will not develop aswell. Try snipping off the blossoms and small tomatoes toallow the nutrients to go to the developing tomatoes. Youwill have fewer tomatoes but those tomatoes will bebigger and better. You can plant Beets, Spinach, SwissChard, Broccoli, Cauliflower and cabbage for a Fallgarden.

Don’t forget to get your house plants ready to come backinside. Move them to a shadier location and check for pestthat might be on the plant or in the pots. Don’t forget tolook for toads and lizards too. Trim the dead leaves andcheck to see if the plant is pot bound and may needreplanting for winter.

Now is a good time to plant roses , so check out yourlocal garden center to see what’s available. Clean up thefallen rose leaves because they can harbor pests and

disease through the winter. Fertilizeyour roses one last time with a fastrelease fertilizer. Adding fertilizerlater may encourage new growth thatwill not be hardened off for winter.Remember to water the roots andkeep the leaves dry to discouragedisease from developing.

Happy Fall,Sharon

Pet Bills

While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheardtwo women chatting about their dogs."What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman."Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered thesecond lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, wenow call her Filet Mignon."



Train Good News

A large, two-engine train wasmaking its way across America.While crossing the Westernmountains, one of the enginesbroke down. "No problem, we canmake it to Denver and get areplacement engine there," theengineer thought, and carried on athalf power. Farther on down the line(if you didn't guess by now), theother engine broke down, and thetrain came to a standstill in themiddle of nowhere.The engineer needed to inform thepassengers about why the train hadstopped, and always trying to lookon the bright side of things, madethe following announcement:"Ladies and Gentlemen, I havesome good news and some badnews. The bad news is that bothengines have failed, and we will bestuck here for some time until theadditional engines arrive. The goodnews is that you didn't take this tripin a plane!"

SENIOR LIVING

Growing older is merely amatter of feeling your

corns rather than feelingyour oats.

An old woman was arrestedfor shoplifting at a grocerystore. When she appearedbefore the judge, the judgeasked what she had taken.The lady replied, "A can ofpeaches." The judge thenasked why she had done it.She replied, "I was hungryand forgot to bring any cashto the store." The judgeasked how many peacheswere in the can. Shereplied, "Nine." The judgesaid, "Well then, I'm goingto give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach."

THIS TIMEI WANT SOMETHING

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Are You ready for a ?

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady'shusband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" Thehusband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Two elderly ladies were discussing theTwo elderly ladies were discussing theupcoming dance at the country club.upcoming dance at the country club."We're supposed to wear something that"We're supposed to wear something thatmatches our husband's hair, so I'mmatches our husband's hair, so I'mwearing black," said Mrs. Smith. "Ohwearing black," said Mrs. Smith. "Ohmy," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."

There is just as much horse sense asThere is just as much horse sense asever, but the horses have most of it.ever, but the horses have most of it.

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The following sign hangs in alocal auto-repair garage:

AUTO REPAIR PRICE LIST:

Ping-Ping-Ping.........$35.00Plunk-Ping-Plunk......$50.00Klunk-Ping-Klunk....$125.00Thud-Klunk-Thud.....$200.00Clang-Thud-Klank....$325.00

"I say that trials andtests locate a person. In

other words, theydetermine where youwere spiritually. They

reveal the true conditionof your heart. How youreact under pressure is

how the real youreacts."

- John Bevere

BREAKING NEWSBREAKING NEWS Dateline Athens, Georgia:Dateline Athens, Georgia:

A mysterious "white powdery substance" was found on thefootball field at the Georgia Bulldogs practice earlier today.Apparently the FBI had launched a large scale investigationin response to the incident. Taken from headline news:Football practice was delayed on Thursday for nearly twohours for the Georgia Bulldogs. One of the players, whileon his way to the locker room happened to look down andnotice a suspicious looking, unknown white powderysubstance on the practice field. The Head Coach was alertedand immediately suspended practice and called the police.The FBI was later called in to investigate. After a completefield analysis, the FBI determined that the white substanceunknown to the Georgia players was the goal line. Practicewas resumed when the FBI decided that the team wouldnot be likely to encounter the substance again.(Taken fromSportsCenter originally, adopted to Bulldogs.)

Coffeehouse ~ Arts Center

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When You AdvertiseWhen You Advertiseinin LaughsLaughs&&LiftsLifts

you put your messageyou put your messagein the hands ofin the hands of 30,00030,000 readers in 8 counties. readers in 8 counties.Call Roger ParrisCall Roger Parrishh

334-379-7603334-379-7603



We Have Hidden 5 Fall leavesFall leavesin ads through out this month’s LaughsLaughs&&LiftsLifts

For a chance to Win Up To $100 in PrizesFind all 5 Fall Leaves

& FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS.Mail or E-Mail the name of the 5 business’ where you

found the Fall Leaves , along with Your Name, Phone #and Address, to:

Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361Or email same to [email protected]

with the subject line “Fall Leaves”.NO PHONE CALLS Drawing on Sept. 20thThe winner will be notified by phone or email.

A Goober goes to Georgia and buys a ticket and winsthe lottery. He goes to Columbus to claim it wherethe man verifies his ticket number. The goober says"I want my $20 million." To which the man replied,"No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you amillion today, and then you'll get the rest spreadout for the next 19 years." The Goober said, "Oh,no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and Iwant it." Again the man patiently explains that hewould only get a million that day and the rest dur-ing the next 19 years. The Goober, furious with theman, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! Ifyou're not going to give me my $20 million "rightnow," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!

Telephone Man

A man joined the Army. As part ofhis basic training, he went out onthe rifle range. He fired 99 shotsat the target, and missed thetarget with every shot! His DrillInstructor tried to find out why.

"What's the matter with you?"asked the DI. "Why can't you hitthe target? What were you incivilian life?"

"I was a telephone man," repliedthe new recruit, "and I don't knowwhy I can't hit the target. Let mesee..."

The telephone man checked hisrifle, checked his rifle again, andchecked his rifle a third time. Hethen put his finger in front of themuzzle, pulled the trigger, andblew the end of his finger off!

"Well," the phone man said,writhing in pain, "the bullets areleaving here fine. The troublemust be on the other end!"

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Short Funny Sayings

A synonym is a word youuse if you can't spell the

other one.

I'm in shape ... round's ashape isn't it?

I'm not paranoid! Which ofmy enemies told you this?

43% of all statistics areuseless.

I couldn't fix your brakes,so I made your horn

LOUDER!

Black Holes are where Goddivided by zero.

Proofread carefully to see ifyou any words out.

Hard work never hurtanyone, but why take the

chance.

1st rule of intelligenttinkering - save all the

parts.

"You do not need a"You do not need aparachute to skydiveparachute to skydive

- you need a- you need aparachute to skydiveparachute to skydive

twice."twice."

"A turtle makesprogress when it

sticks its head out."

Humility is aHumility is avirtue until onevirtue until onebecomes proudbecomes proud

of it.of it.

Dr. Ashley Paramore, N.D.Naturopathic and Integrative Medicine

Natural Path Center forNatural Path Center forDisease Prevention &Disease Prevention &

ReversalReversal

Don’t Just live…THRIVE!

4440 West Main Street, Suite 3Dothan, Alabama 36365

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Spielberg's New Project

Steven Spielberg was discussinghis newest project - an actiondocudrama about famouscomposers, starring top moviestars. Sylvester Stallone, StevenSeagal, Bruce Willis, and ArnoldSchwarzenegger were all beingcourted for the top roles.Hoping to have the box office"oomph" of these superstars,Spielberg was prepared to allowthem to select the composers theywould portray, providing theywere among the most famous."I have always admired Mozart,"declared Stallone. "I would reallylove to play him.""I have always been partial toStrauss and his waltzes," statedSeagal. "He is the one I would liketo play.""Chopin has always been myfavorite and my image wouldimprove if people saw me playingthe piano," Willis said. "I'll playhim."Spielberg was very pleased withthese choices. "Sounds splendid,"he said. Then, turning toSchwarzenegger, he asked, "WellArnold, who would you like to be?""I'll be Bach!" Schwarzeneggerreplied.

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Division of LaborThe couple had an outstandingly happy and successfulmarriage. The husband was once asked to what heattributed this remarkable situation.

"It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wifemakes all the small, routine decisions. She decideswhat house we buy, where we go on vacation, whetherthe kids go to private schools, if I should change myjob, and so on."

"And you?"

"I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if theUnited States should declare war on China, if Congressshould appropriate money for a manned expedition toMars, and so on."



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Conversion?

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholicneighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicysteak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This wenton each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men gottogether and decided that something had to be done about John - he wastempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take itanymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They wentover and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of hisneighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priestsprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you wereraised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, nowtheir biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten seasonrolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, whenthe neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smellof steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe theirnoses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meetover at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a smallpitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill,saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are afish."

Towards and AwayOne day many years ago, a fisherman's wifeblessed her husband with twin sons. They loved thechildren very much, but couldn't think of what toname their children. Finally, after several days, thefisherman said, "Let's not decide on names rightnow. If we wait a little while, the names will simplyoccur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fishermanand his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone,one of the boys would always turn towards the sea,while the other boy would face inland. It didn'tmatter which way the parents positioned thechildren, the same child always faced the samedirection. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away,"suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and fromthat point on, the boys were simply known asTOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall andstrong. The day came when the aging fishermansaid to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learnedhow to make a living from the sea." Theyprovisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and setsail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for thefisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned.Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grievingwoman saw a lone man walking towards her house.She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness!What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to seawhen Towards hooked into a great fish. Towardsfought long and hard, but the fish was more thanhis equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon thewaves without either of them letting up. Yeteventually the great fish started to win the battle,and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship.He was swallowed whole, and we never saw eitherof them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What ahuge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish.What a *horrible, horrible* fish!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the onethat got Away!"



Give It Our All(By Chuck Swindoll) [Edited]

There are 1,130 frostbitten miles, mountain ranges, blizzards, hungry beasts, and frozen seas betweenAnchorage and Nome. This awful trek is the scene of the ultimate endurance test known as the IditarodSled Dog Race, where twelve huskies pull a sled and its driver through the most grueling, inhumanconditions one can fathom. The most frequent champion of recent years is a woman named SusanButcher, whose tough-minded fixation on winning earned her the nickname Ayatollah Butcher.The secret, she will tell you, is her own mind-set and the training of those dogs, which gives newmeaning to the word 'serious.' Her 150-dog kennel is a thing to behold. Shortly after each pup's birth,while it is still blind, she holds it in her hands and breathes her breath into its nose. That way, sheclaims, each one will associate her smell with comfort and encouragement. The rapport begins withthat breathing-into-the-nose routine. She personally feeds, trains, massages, and -- on a rotation basis-- sleeps with each dog. She personally nurses them to health when they are injured. She is infinitelypatient with them, talks to them, believes in them, even sings to them (old folk songs by Bob Dylanand Joan Baez, plus a few Irish lullabies). The objective? To bond with them. It pays. They have savedher life on the trail more than once. Back in 1979, she led her dog team to the 20,320-foot summit ofMount McKinley. It took forty-four days.What a woman! One reporter described her as having "a stiff spine...a stubborn mind-set," which iswhat is needed to endure moose attacks, blizzards so severe that one time for five hours she couldn'tsee the lead dog, and a sudden plunge into icy water (Granite and Maddie, the mushers, pulled herout).The Christian life isn't an eleven-day race. It's a lifetime journey full of more dangers and pitfalls thana hundred Iditarods. So it's foolish to think we can enter it half-heartedly or sustain it easily. To surviveit calls for help from above and toughness from within. If Susan Butcher is willing to give that kind ofeffort to win a race that is incredible in the eyes of the world - with temporary and fleeting glory, howmuch more should we, running a race that matters for all eternity, give it our all.

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BUBBA & JOHNNY ROYBubba and Johnny Roy were sittin' on theBubba and Johnny Roy were sittin' on thefront porch in a swing when a large truckfront porch in a swing when a large truck

hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by."I'm gonna do dat when I get rich," said"I'm gonna do dat when I get rich," said

Bubba.Bubba."Do what?" asked Johnny Ray."Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed.""Send my grass out to be mowed."

Back in the 50's there was a well known radio host/comedian/song writer in Hollywood named StuartHamblen who was noted for his drinking, womanizing partying, etc.One of his bigger hits at the time was "I won't go hunting with you Jake, but I'll go chasing women".One day, along came a young preacher holding a tent revival.Hamblen had him on his radio show presumably to poke fun at him.In order to gather more material for his show, Hamblin showed up at one of the revival meetings.Early in the service the preacher announced, "There is one man in this audience who is a big fake."There were probably others who thought the same thing, but Hamblen was convinced that he was the onethe preacher was talking about (some would call that conviction), but he was having none of that.Still the words continued to haunt him until a couple of nights later he showed up drunk at the preacher'shotel door around 2 am demanding that the preacher pray for him!But the preacher refused, saying, "This is between you and God and I'm not going to get in the middle ofit."But he did invite Stuart in and they talked until about 5 am at which point Stuart dropped to his kneesand with tears, cried out to God.But that is not the end of the story. Stuart quit drinking, quit chasing women, quit everything that was"fun".Soon he began to lose favor with the Hollywood crowd.He was ultimately fired by the radio station when he refused to accept a beer company as a sponsor. Hardtimes were upon him.He tried writing a couple of "Christian" songs but the only one that had much success was "This Old House",written for his friend Rosemary Clooney.As he continued to struggle, a long time friend named John took him aside and told him, "all your troublesstarted when you 'got religion', was it worth it all?"Stuart answered simply, "Yes".Then his friend asked, "You liked your booze so much, don't you ever miss it?"And his answer was, "No".John then said, "I don't understand how you could give it up so easily."And Stuart's response was, "It's no big secret. All things are possible with God."To this John said "That's a catchy phrase. You should write a song about it."And as they say, the rest is history.The song Stuart wrote was "It Is No Secret"It is no secret what God can do.What He's done for others, He'll do for you.With arms wide open, He'll welcome you.It is no secret, what God can do....By the way......... the friend was John Wayne.And the young preacher who refused to pray for Stuart Hamblen ?That was Billy Graham.

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The Key to Acceptance(from In Touch Daily Devotional by Dr. Charles Stanley)(Based on Luke 6:46-49)

Many churchgoers will be alarmed to discover that ministry work does notearn a place in heaven. Good deeds mean nothing to God unless they are theoutgrowth of a relationship with Him. Only those who have received JesusChrist as their Savior will enter heaven, no matter how many acts of kindnessor charity they have performed. The definition of the word "believe" is what often confuses church memberswho lack genuine faith. They believe in God, Jesus, and heaven. But there's adifference between giving intellectual assent to an idea and spirituallyacknowledging Christ as God's Son and one's own personal Savior. In theBible, every time someone truly believes in Jesus, he or she changes. It isimpossible to remain the same after realizing one's desperate need for Him. An earnest desire for salvation begins with the recognition that we havesinned against God. We must also be aware that there is no hope of salvationapart from the Lord. Having understood these two facts, we need to trust inHis sacrifice for the payment of our sin-debt. Some people use theterminology "ask Jesus to forgive your sin" or "ask Jesus into your heart." Itdoesn't matter how we describe the experience - if we repent of sin and makea decision to receive Christ, we are saved.

God promises to respond to a humble acknowledgement of His Son's sacrifice.If you desire to be in heaven with Him for eternity, ask yourself this question:

Have I been saved? If not, now is the time.



A couple lived near the ocean and used to walkthe beach a lot. One summer they noticed agirl who was at the beach pretty much everyday. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travelbag she carried, except for one thing; Shewould approach people who were sitting on thebeach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respondnegatively and she would wander off, butoccasionally someone would nod and therewould be a quick exchange of money forsomething she carried in her bag. The coupleassumed she was selling drugs and debatedcalling the cops, but since they didn't know forsure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked,"Honey, have you ever noticed that she onlygoes up to people with boom boxes and otherelectronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said,"Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and ourbig radio and go lie out on the beach. Then wecan find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, andthe wife was almost hopping up and down withanticipation when she saw the girl talk to herhusband and then leave. The man walked upthe beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she askedexcitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probablymore than he should have. "Well, what is it,then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sallyand she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife

"Yes" he replied.

"Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."



Aunt T’sAunt T’sKitchenKitchen Biscuits

Chive BiscuitsIngredients

• 2 cups all-purpose flour

• 3 teaspoons baking powder

• 1/2 teaspoon salt

• 1/4 teaspoon baking soda

• 1/3 cup butter-flavored shortening

• 1 cup buttermilk

• 2 tablespoons minced chives or 2 tsp driedchive

Directions• In a small bowl, combine the flour, baking

powder, salt and baking soda. Cut inshortening until mixture resembles coarsecrumbs. Stir in buttermilk and chives justuntil moistened.

• Drop by tablespoonfuls 2 in. apart onto agreased baking sheet. Bake at 450° for 10-12 minutes or until lightly browned. Servewarm. Yield: 1 dozen.

Poppy Seed BiscuitIngredients

• 1/4 cup 2% milk

• 2 tablespoons honey

• 1/2 cup cream-style cottage cheese

• 2-1/4 cups biscuit/baking mix

• 1 tablespoon poppy seeds

Directions• In a blender, combine the milk, honey and

cottage cheese. Cover and process untilsmooth. In a large bowl, combine biscuit mixand poppy seeds. Stir in cottage cheesemixture just until blended.

• Turn onto a floured surface; pat to 1/2-in.thickness. Cut with a 2-1/2-in. biscuit cutter.

• Place on an ungreased baking sheet. Bake at425° for 8-10 minutes or until golden brown.Cool for 1 minute before removing to wirerack. Serve warm. Yield: about 1 dozen.

Tomato-Basil Drop BiscuitIngredients

• 1/2 cup finely chopped green onions

• 1 tablespoon Crisco® Olive Oil

• 3/4 cup chopped fresh tomato, drained

• 1/4 cup minced fresh basil or 4 teaspoonsdried basil

• 2 cups all-purpose flour

• 1 tablespoon baking powder

• 1 teaspoon salt

• 1/4 teaspoon coarsely ground black pepper

• 1/3 cup shortening

• 2/3 cup 2% milk

Directions• In a small skillet, saute onions in oil until

tender. Add tomato; cook 1 minute longer.Remove from the heat; stir in basil. Coolslightly.

• In a large bowl, combine the flour, bakingpowder, salt and pepper. Cut in shorteninguntil the mixture resembles coarse crumbs.Stir in milk and tomato mixture just untilcombined.

• Drop by heaping teaspoonfuls 2 in. apartonto greased baking sheets. Bake at 425°for 10-12 minutes or until golden brown.Remove to wire racks. Serve warm. Yield:about 1-1/2 dozen.

Sweet Potato BiscuitsIngredients

• 1 cup all-purpose flour

• 3 teaspoons baking powder

• ½ teaspoon salt

• 1/3 cup margarine

• 1 cup mashed, cooked sweet potatoes

• 3 tablespoons milk



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DirectionsCombine dry ingredients. Cut in margarine with 2knives or a pastry blender. Add sweet potatoes andenough milk to make a soft dough. Knead lightly, ifdesired. Roll dough to ½-inch thickness; cut inrounds and place on a lightly oiled baking sheet.Bake at 425 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes. Yield:12 medium biscuits.

Italian Drop Biscuit

Ingredients• 2 cups biscuit/baking mix

• 1 cup (4 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese

• 1/2 cup cold milk

• 2 tablespoons chopped green chilies

• 1/4 cup butter, melted

• 1 teaspoon dried parsley flakes

• 1/2 teaspoon Italian seasoning

• 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder

Directions• In a large bowl, combine the biscuit mix,

cheese, milk and chilies just until moistened.Drop by heaping tablespoonfuls onto agreased baking sheet.

• Bake at 450° for 8-10 minutes or untilgolden brown. In a small bowl, combine thebutter, parsley, Italian seasoning and garlicpowder; brush over warm biscuits. Yield:1-1/2 dozen.

Biscuits

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Cell Phone ChargesA retired couple recently returned from an ex-tended vacation with their new cell phone. Al-though they are on a nationwide plan, they didmake a brief foray into Canada, so they were hitwith some surprise "roaming charges."Even though they've been back for awhile, thosecharges didn't appear on their statement forseveral months. Their son had to explain tothem that such things take time to work throughthe system. Specifically, he told them, "Roamin'wasn't billed in a day."

Quick JokesI went to the airport. I had three pieces of luggage.I said that I wanted one piece to go to Cleveland,one piece to Toronto, and one piece to Florida.The airline agent said, "We can't do that."I replied, "Oh really? Well, you did it last week..."(by Henny Youngman)

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.Already there is a long-time resident who looks100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old andworn out. You'd never believe that I used to livethe life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, hada boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women,and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."The new man asked, "What happened?""One day Riley reported his credit cardsmissing!"

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhoodshop, and I asked the barber when would be thebest time to bring in my two-year-old son.Without hesitation, the barber answered, "Whenhe's four."

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Father's Occupation

"What's your father's occupation?" asked theschool secretary on the first day of the newacademic year."He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny."How interesting. What's his favorite trick?""He saws people in half.""Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers orsisters?"

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Relentless toddler "whys"

Next time your toddler asks you thequestion why about the same thingover and over again, ask him to tellyou why. This can lead to awonderful interactive dialog withhim, which helps develop hislanguage skills. Be careful not tocriticize his remarks, though. Doingso will discourage him from usinghis own thought processesto problem solve.

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"The probability of meetingsomeone you know increaseswhen you are with someoneyou don't want to be seenwith."

Leaving the FarmA dying granny tells hergranddaughter, "I want toleave you my farm. Thatincludes the villa, the tractor,and other equipment, thefarmhouse and$22,398,750.78 in cash."

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With her last breath, grannywhispered, "Facebook..."

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"So you are 100 yearsold. How did you manageto live so long?" Oldman: "Well, son, I gotmarried when I was 21.The wife and I decidedthat if we hadarguments, the loserwould take a long walkto get over being mad. Isuppose I have beenbenefited most by 79years of fresh air."

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Recently launched into the "real world" andshocked by the expenses that came with it, ayoung man was complaining about the highcost of auto insurance.

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Weighed Down (By Alan Smith)[Minor editing]

A few stupid criminal stories:

One man robbed a liquor store atgunpoint and demanded all of the cashfrom the register. He then asked forsome liquor, but the cashier declinedsaying that he didn't look 21. The robberagain demanded, but the cashierdeclined saying that he could not giveliquor to anyone under 21. The stupidcriminal proceeded to show the cashierhis driver's license to prove he was 21!The cashier took down his information,gave the robber his liquor, and called thepolice when he left. The robber wasarrested AT HIS HOME later thatevening.

Another guy was in a verbal lineup(where you have to say something tosee if the victim can identify you byvoice). He was told to say "Give me yourmoney or I'll shoot you", and he refusedto do it. When asked why by thedetective, he said "Because that's notwhat I said"!

David Posman 33, was arrested inProvidence, R.I, after allegedly knockingout an armored car driver and stealingthe closest four bags of money. It turnedout they contained $800 in PENNIES,weighed 30 pounds each, and slowedhim to a stagger during his getaway sothat police officers easily jumped himfrom behind.

David Posman is not the first person tomake the mistake of trying to run whilebeing weighed down. In fact, it happensspiritually all the time. The writer ofHebrews talks about sin being a weightthat keeps us from effectively runningthe Christian race. We can get boggeddown with things that pull us away fromGod. And, by the way, as with Posman,those things that are weighing us downare not worth nearly as much as wethought they were when we grabbedhold of them.

"Therefore we also, since we aresurrounded by so great a cloud ofwitnesses, let us lay aside every weight,and the sin which so easily ensnares us,and let us run with endurance the racethat is set before us." (Hebrews 12:1)

Anything weighing you down? May youlay it aside today as you run theChristian race.

Vacation ShoppingThroughout the couple’s month long tour of Europe, the wife's onlycomplaint was that there was never enough time for shopping.Nearing the end of their trip, they stopped for lunch at a pub in asmall town near London. They wrote postcards and the wifevolunteered to take them to the nearest postbox while thehusband made a long-distance phone call. The British longdistance system defeated the husband until he was helped by anattractive girl who was standing at the bar.Completing his call, he saw her with a suitcase standing at a busstop. He found out she was going close to their destination so heoffered her a lift and suggested she get in the back seat of the car.There was still no sign of the wife, so he went to look for her. Tenminutes later, he found her in a store. She was bulging withparcels. Giving him a big grin, she said, "That'll teach you to leaveme alone for a few minutes."He grinned and said, "Wait until you see what's in the back seat ofthe car."



How to Stop a Heart Attack

With Cayenne Pepper

Cayenne has been known to stop heart attacks within 30 seconds. Capsicum (cayenne pepper) is awonder herb for its ability to boost circulation, and increase heart action. Capsicum has many powerfulactions on the entire cardiovascular system. It can enhance cardiovascular performance while loweringblood pressure. It is one of the strongest natural stimulants known without the harsh side effects.Cayenne pepper is pure nutrition for the heart. It literally feeds the heart.

Things You'll Need• cayenne extract or cayenne pepper

• glass of warm water (if available)

It is best if you have a high quality cayenne extract or cayenne pepper on hand incase of emergencies. You can do this while you are waiting for the ambulance tocome. It has saved many lives. If using cayenne pepper it is best if you are using anon irradiated brand. Irradiation leaves herbs ineffective medicinally. If using anextract it is best to have one that has at least 30,000 to 40,000 HU ( heat units).Ifyou are using cayenne extract give yourself a dropperful or if you are administeringit to someone pour a dropperful in their mouth right away. If you are using cay-enne pepper put a teaspoon into a cup of warm water, and drink immediately. Makesure you use warm water, it will open up the cell structure, and cayenne will bereceived much faster. It will go straight to the heart, through the artery system,and feed it.

Cayenne can also be used along with CPR on some one who has had a heart attack.You can drop cayenne extract into their mouth or pour warm water with a teaspoonof cayenne pepper down their throat. You want to give a dose of cayenne every 15minutes until the crisis has passed. Ride with them in the ambulance, and keep ad-ministering the cayenne!*** If someone has heart problems be sure to keep a 1 or 2 ounce bottle of Cay-enne tincture with you in your purse, car, office or wherever you are and do not beafraid to use it at any sign of tightness in the chest!! They may turn red but theywill be alive!!!!

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NOTE: CALL 911 if you think you or someone elseis having a heart attack.



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Pest ControlA man works as a service techni-cian for a large exterminatingcompany. One of the rules of thecompany is that he has to con-firm each appointment by phonethe night before his service callto that household. One eveninghe made such a call, and when aman answered the phone, hesaid, "Hi, this is Gary from A toZ Pest Control Company. Yourwife phoned us." There was along silence, and then he heardthe man on the other end say,"Honey, it's for you....someonewants to talk to you about yourrelatives."

Don’t Cry

Little Johnny comes downstairscrying. His mother asked,“What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, andjust hit his thumb withhammer,” said little Johnnythrough his tears. “That’s not soserious,” soothed his mother. “Iknow you are upset, but a bigboy like you shouldn’t cry atsomething like that. Why didn’tyou just laugh?

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

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The B-I-B-L-E Hall of Fame…

I remember watching the movie ‘Stand By Me’ a while back where this groupof 12 year old boys went out on a camping trip by themselves. By thecampfire they discussed the mysteries of life through the eyes of 12 year oldboys in the 1950s. One question pondered was

? The answer one boy gave was Another philosophical topic debated was..

The answer they agreedon was

.

So with this lead in let me ask who were the Superheroes of the Bible?Samson? Moses? Elijah? How about Noah? In reality there are great men offaith, but not superheroes. So instead of superheroes I believe I will start a BPBible Hall of Fame. Just like the Baseball or Football Hall of Fame except NOSTEROIDS please.

ADAM was recognized as the first man to .. to.. well, he was the first man.He was gifted in the art of Animal Naming, and was the first man BUT NOT

THE LAST to get in trouble with his wife.

NOAH built an Ark at age 650ish, with his 100 year old sons that survived the great flood, he was the first man tosummit Mt. Everest in a boat, he is your hero

ABRAHAM was a complex man as he was great man of faith, but a pretty goodliar too. Father of a whole nation after the age of 90!.. and has the notoriety forbeing chop chopped at age 99.

MOSES was literally a basket case beforehe became a prince of , and then amurderer. After his burning bush momenthe turns freedom fighter for , parts the RedSea, and in the end was known as God’sfriend.

JOSHUA is recognized as a Military Geniusutilizing the dreaded and deadly JewishMarching Band.

SHANGAR killed 100 men with a pointystick. Not many men can say that.

GIDEON was the master of tactical warfare using jars and trumpets. These

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Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.52)

3 4 6 5 7 1 9 8 28 9 7 2 4 3 1 6 51 5 2 8 6 9 3 7 46 3 5 7 9 4 2 1 87 2 4 1 3 8 6 5 99 1 8 6 2 5 7 4 34 7 3 9 8 6 5 2 15 6 9 4 1 2 8 3 72 8 1 3 5 7 4 9 6

techniques are still taught at West Point today.

SAMSON was a big man with big muscles, big ego, but with a big weakness for the ladies.

DAVID was a shepherd boy promoted to giant killer, he played a mean blues harp, and next was anointed as King ofIsrael. On the negative side he committed adultery, and planned a murderer.. BUT he did also write a pretty nifty book inthe Bible called Psalms.

SOLOMON was the great King of Israel known for his incomparable wisdom, butbeing dumb enough to have 700 wives, and 300 Interns. Hello, can you sayHoney-Do-List times 1000?.. He also wrote that Song of Solomon book of theBible… what was that all about?

ELIJAH was fed by well educated Ravens from the famous Kereth Ravine CookingSchool. He was famous for kicking the prophets of Baal collective butts, but thenruns from Jezebel. Elijah does get special recognition for a very cool exit fromEarth on a Chariot of Fire!

DANIEL was a quiet man like a Jewish Ninja Master able to Tame Wild Animals,and he had good friends who were all fire retardant.

JONAH was a gifted but reluctant preacher swallowed by a very big fish. I guessthat is notoriety, but not really Hall of Fame material.

Now that’s just a few Old Testament candidates for Hall of Fame. I know,I know.. I am sure I missed many in my quest for honoring men and women whowere faithful and obedient to Almighty God. I hope to take a bit more time in thecoming weeks to recognize others who have their own claim to fame.. the BP BibleHall of Fame that is.

May God bless each of you this day. May He find us faithful with the talents andpassions we are each given. May our lives be obedient and full of love for our God,and may our service be to those in need as we are commanded. Who knows,maybe you can end up someday in the BP Hall of Fame.

Jeffwww.thebackpew.com

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