Killers’ Asylum

Seven dangerous NPCs, one disgruntled Legacy spare, and some dark and terrible

events.Part the Second

Once again, we find ourselves in the Killers' Asylum, where game-killing NPCs have been institutionalized, along with my coldblooded, asexual Legacy spare, Cecil Goodytwoshoes. Generally a Fortune Sim, he has gone demonstrably crazy by rolling Romance. Grim can put the results to you better and more succinctly than I can.

At the end of the first week, Cecil called to tell me that all was going extremely well: tidy, helpful housemates, no outstanding bills, no fires. He should not have done that.

The Big Fire broke out that very day, while Cecil was at work.

No one knew what to do, as usual, and what made it worse was that Renee's simself was there. With two hours left before Cecil returned, I was forced to simply sit back and watch it burn..

Things looked extremely bad for Grim at one point, as he was trapped between the burning stove and the fridge.

Repo Man, who set the fire, was a goner from the beginning. Mrs. Crumplebottom also caught on fire, and as soon as Cecil returned, he raced inside to try to extinguish her, which was the sort of brave but silly thing his brother De Beers might do. Then, Mrs. C. seemingly out, he ran to the phone and called the fire department. Mrs. C was in the red and headed upstairs--and as it turned out, still on fire. Cecil tried to extinguish her again.

Normally, it is fairly easy to persuade Cecil to do something else in a fire, so after it was clearly too late to save Mrs. C, I was puzzled to see "Fire!" popping up again and again in his queue. Then I realized he was ON fire.

He extinguished himself. I have no idea how.

He also tried to plead with the Grim Reaper for Mrs. Crumplebottom, but he didn't know her well enough. Mrs. C and Repo Man were easily the most miserable Sims in the house, so much so that I wonder if they committed suicide.

There was nothing to do but shower and go downstairs to clean up the mess.

Cecil: Shhh. Grim's not dead. He's only sleeping. I hope.

I hope so too, as his icon is very red. All his motives must have been tanked. Luckily ghosts don't usually haunt the same night they die.

After this, we never, ever neglected to leave gelatin out for the other sims. It's not foolproof. Sometimes they begin preparing meals before you can get there and sometimes they are just tired of gelatin, but it helps.

Cecil: Miss Worker, do not concern yourself unduly. This may represent something of a setback, but I have every confidence that I shall get us out of here in due time.

Yes, but now we are going to have fire ghosts, which is going to make it much harder.

Cecil: Professor, things are going extremely well. . .in strictest honesty, not as easily as I had once hoped.---Professor, I am trying to keep things Squeaky Clean. You know that I prefer it that way, but I have been feeling extremely peculiar and am acting almost as though I were a Romance Sim.

Cecil, you ARE a Romance Sim for now, and I feel bad for all the female Sims you've been Romancing. . .

Cecil: Only to maintain my aspirational level. Especially the simselves. Plural. I feel responsible. Cecil: Professor, I respectfully disagree.

Cecil: What sort of woman strolls down to the local asylum and asks to be introduced to the resident nymphomaniac?

I don't know, what?

Toast: How can you DO this to me, Prof? You never do this kind of thing. Sorry, Toast, I'm not targeting simselves and especially not you. As I said, there

are only a few sims in the neighborhood who are exempt--the male Sims, because Cecil prefers girls, about as much as he prefers anybody; De, because she's married to my son Cassius and Moms are funny that way; and Robinoli, because I put her in as a teen and she's immune. Anybody else, including me, is fair game.

Toast: But. . . but Cecil gives me the jibblies. I know, I know, sorry.

Cecil: I shall endeavor not to spread what I believe are referred to as "cooties," Miss Toast. I am also prepared to loan you extra supplies from my large collection of dental hygiene materials.

Toast is the first, and pretty much the ONLY, Sim who responds to "Do You Like What You See?" positively. It's odd even to watch Cecil ask this, as he has never, ever asked it in Pleasantview.

Two bolt chemistry makes this extremely, laughably. . .

irresistibly easy. What the heck, it was spring.

Annnnnd. . .then you went downstairs and watched the Yummy Channel. Mmmm-hm.

Grim: THIS MAKES ME EVEN SADDER. Yeah, me too. I don't even like to think about what's going to get done to my simself between Renee and Toast; all I

can say is that I played it exactly as it laid, the same as in my Bachelor Challenge. In fact, this is my Bachelor Challenge neighborhood, which I'm sure has a lot to do with it. Freshly escaped from Cassius' clutches, they must have been running around looking for Lurve In Spring. Pretty ironic, when you think about it.

Grim: PLEASE. I AM TRYING NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. Poor Grim is one of the last to show signs of cracking.

The Social Bunny and the Social Worker vent their frustration by beating the cookies out of each other. I don't know who started it. My money is on SoWo. This happens several times a day.

And this is usually, though not always, the way it ends.

Cecil: Miss Worker, I greatly appreciate your grace under pressure. I also think your pugilistic victory over the Social Bunny was one of the more impressive things I have ever seen.

If you will pardon me, I am almost late for a date with my great grandmother, but we shall speak anon, yes?

One thing Cecil genuinely does like is tickling. And he may be unbending a bit.

Cecil: Renee---I may call you Renee, may I not? I feel I know you sufficiently well. Yes, I'd say you do. Cecil: I would like to share with you a subject that is very near to my heart. The problem with a man opening up is that you don't know what's in there.

As I said--Cecil loves to tickle. And he's all over the place with Toast wants the next day. Clearly he liked her Pleasure Sim zest for life, or something.

He even dreams about Toast, but I am leaving those pictures on the cutting room floor, as she would never, ever date Cecil.

Unless it were in some kind of Crazytown. SimShrink: Wibbly wibbly! Wee! Whoopeee! Cecil really shouldn't do his dates on the front yard.

Something was bound to happen. Technically, he was on his way to the car to “help Toast find her keys.” I had him try to ask her to

leave first, but no good; despite the fact that Toast was in the car, Renee had that annoying Sim ability to see through metal and concrete and surmise that a date was there.

I had always wondered where "psycho stalker Renee" came from. She's always been so polite and decent in my Legacy neighborhood. Maybe it's because she's a Family Sim and in my neighborhood she has a husband and three children, two of whom are married with grandbabies. "Stalker Renee." I was soon to find out.

What's going on behind the stone face, Cecil? Cecil: I am rather relieved to have broken up with great-grandmother Renee. A very sensible decision. Cecil: I am also greatly concerned to have broken up with great-grandmother

Renee. And that shows you're saner than I thought.

Cecil: Also, I find the television programming rather distressing.

Cecil: Why must I apologize? I did not invite her over at one in the morning. I made no promises I could not fulfill. I am clearly not a fit husband for any woman in my condition, I. . .

Just apologize.

Oh, yeah, the old "I was clinically insane at the time" excuse. Haven't we all heard THAT one before, though in this case it's actually true.

Cecil: And in short, Miss Cowforbrains, I deeply regret it if my actions have caused you any mental or spiritual anguish. I trust you will make allowances in consideration of my current infirmity.

You could add that usually, dating your great grandmother is a symptom that you're not all there, too.

Cecil: I felt it best not to go into particulars.

Cecil: So, Doctor, is it still paranoia if you are actually being watched? Look out there.

Sim Shrink: What? I don't see anybody. Have you considered changing your prescription?

Cecil: I do not wish to presume on our acquaintance, Miss Worker, but I would be honored to know. . .

Social Worker: The reason I am here? Mr. Goodytwoshoes, I was very proud of my job. I made sure small children were never abused and neglected. If they were, I removed them from the neglectful parents' home and helped them to find new, loving families. Then I began taking my job much too seriously. I began worrying about children all the time. I took them away when they were flushed from jumping on beds or chilled from building snowmen. I caused pain to many families this way. At last, I was sent here for the protection of myself and others. Overwork is a dreadful thing. Does that afflict you too?

Cecil: Something like that, yes.

Cecil: This is not what it appears to be. Why, Cecil, what does it appear to be? You tell me. Cecil: When Mrs. Crumplebottom and Repo Man died, we were forced to remove their beds. We now only have

one single and one double bed and are forced to double up. Mmm-hmm, care to tell me who's so chummy with you that you can sleep in the same bed with them? Cecil: No. Actually, over time, a fair number, as the patients began making friends. In fact, assuming that cars are legal at

all, they are a great place for your Romance Sim to WooHoo. There is absolutely no point having a double bed for that purpose. Cecil has never WooHooed in bed at all.

Cecil: Naturally not. I have to sleep there.

Oh, great, I knew this was going to happen. Fifty guesses who's responsible for this.

I knew Renee was mad at Cecil, so I went over to have a look and find out how much.

Very, very mad, at -72 and only two-thirds furious, which must have been the effects of the apologies.

Reneeee. I can see your fear panel. What is your greatest fear? Please do share it with us. Renee: Sniff. I'm afraid that Cecil will die. Would you like to know how you can make this much less likely? STOP TRYING TO KILL

HIM. Renee: What?

I mean it, Renee. Stop kicking over the trash can when he's at work, and comes home with his motives very low *and* a cold, and has to clean it up and make some gelatin for everyone before he goes to bed, and then coming back and kicking over AGAIN the same night so he has to get up from bed where he's trying to recuperate and pick it up. Though in the last case, Grim was on the job and did it first. I swear I adore Grim. But by then, Cecil had already gotten out of bed, and there was no question of his calling in sick the next day. He was getting promoted almost every day and you have no vacation days when you do that; the only option is "quit job," which he couldn't do either. He came within an ace of having to go to work sick with low motives.

Cecil, I only wanted to tease you. I didn't want to kill you, I swear. We can call this off right now.

Cecil: NO. I am Cecil Goodytwoshoes and I do not concede defeat. I shall prevail over this Asylum, and you, Professor, and whatever infirmity has afflicted me. I shall not have it said that I needed to be rescued, and by a mere female.

Fine, that's your attitude, Cecil, BE that way! I'm going to help you behind your back and you can't do anything to stop me!.

The rules say nothing about having playables call inmates. Obviously, inviting inmates over makes no sense, and if Cecil had had an LTW like 20 Best Friends or 20 Simultaneous Lovers, I wouldn't have done it. But as it was, I had Renee call him and talk to him until their relationship was in the positive numbers. It was a matter of life and death. And it worked. She was still Furious, but never again did she try to kick over the trash can.

Of course there was someone she hated even more than Cecil.

Toast: Renee, I am SO sorry I hurt you by going over to inspect Cecil's vintage vehicles. I had no idea he was your property. I have no idea what got into me. Cecil gives me the jibblies. There was a moon. He had a hearse. It was difficult to find my keys.

Toast: Can you ever forgive me?

Yeah, Renee looks really forgiving right now. There's only one thing to do.

Renee: Why do I have to be the one who moves out?

Because you're the one with a grudge. Renee didn't get a chance to slap Toast, so Toast has no hard feelings.

Toast: Aw, goodbye, Renee! Too bad you're moving out. I don't know you too well, but I'm sure if we talked together some more we would be good friends.

Gage: Listen, baby, you don't want some prissy Fortune Sim in disguise, you want the real thing, and they don't make em realer than me; lemme show you how.

Renee: No thanks. I'm just getting out of a bad relationship.

No, I did not hook Renee up with Gage or make her have Gage babies or fall in love with him. But they are friends. I had the feeling that she would be happier if she had some masculine companionship. She isn't the type of girl who should be forced to live with a lot of other girls.

I wasn't there longer. The Welcome Wagon showed up and the Sim Shrink and the Pink Social Bunny were in the Welcome Wagon; figures, as they are frustrated, unhappy Popularity Sims. I didn't want them to get Aspiration points for Meeting Someone New, so I closed the lot.

Cecil: I told you I could continue to go to work.

I lost track of how quickly he was promoted, but the timeline was roughly this: Monday-Monday, the easy week; Second Monday-Monday, harder than heck with the fire, Renee, and the cold. By the end of the third week, Friday or thereabouts, Cecil was a Restauranteur.

You may be wondering why I'm not showing amusing aspiration failures. There weren't any. Grim, the headmaster and the Social Worker were all Knowledge, and once in a great while I would suddenly see their icons flush platinum as they reached a high skill level. The Shrink wasn't happy, and the Pink Social Bunny was miserable. I thought Popularity Sims were supposed to be better than this.

Life in the asylum goes on, with Grim keeping the front yard tidy. . .

SoWo kicking the Pink Social Bunny's butt--and I mean multiple times a day. . .

And Cecil Romancing whatever is available.

Brandi LeTourneau: I'm a Virgo, just like you! What a coincidence! Let's go and scrub toilets together!

I'm sorry, Brandi, there's only one toilet in the house; would you allow Cecil to suggest some alternative activities?

Cecil: Miss Tellerman. I have heard it said that you prefer the company of young women with similar interests, but perhaps you would stretch a point in order to oblige a friend?

Jan Tellerman: Do I like what I see? Eh, Cecil, I dunno. I kind of like hats. Big hats, little hats, hats on girls, hats on guys, doesn't matter, but I gotta have a hat.

Cecil: Hmm. I cannot help you with the hat.

Is it just me, or does Cecil look like that Edvard Munch painting "The Scream" here? Jan brings him up to Five Lovers, which is why it was worth it to keep pursuing different girls. Also, as I said, I thought it was only fair to spread the misery around.

Oh, NO. Sometimes a Dream Date isn't worth it. Most of the time, Cecil did the Dream Dates in order to boost his motives, not his Aspiration, but sometimes WooHoo tanks the motives so much that the boost won't cover it. I worry when I see this.

Especially because now we have a very serious ghost problem.

I didn't know this was Crumplebottom's bed. I didn't even know that non old age/platinum ghosts did cheer for their beds. Once again, I got really, really lucky when I deleted those two beds, that they weren't the two beds my ghosts liked most.

She also scares our Knowledge Sims, which is fine. . .

But not so good when she does it twice in a row. I thought I was about to see my first "fright" death, but I didn't.

Cecil: Mrs. Crumplebottom, I cannot express how deeply I regret that I was not able to save you.

Cecil: Mr. Repo Man, not so much.

Cecil doesn't even remember he died.

Oh, look, here comes another lady who just has to check out the local asylum and meet the inmates.

Cecil: You have come to visit the infirm, Miss Prettacy. How admirable of you.

CandI: Poor Cecil. What's the matter with you? Can I help at all?

Ew, gross, this is almost as bad as dating Renee. Candi was married to Cecil’s father in Ten Caesars, so this is dating. . . dating his . .his stepmother .

Cecil: What is wrong with that? Before he became a Grilled Cheese Sim, my pater had excellent taste.

Candi: Ew, yuck, Cecil. I find you very, very unattractive.

Cecil: Ah, that is a pity, Miss Prettacy. Perhaps I could interest you in a glance at the interior of my hearse?

Candi: A hearse! I cannot resist a man with a hearse !

Cecil: Arm extended. . . so. Shoulder located. . . .so. Proceed with all deliberate speed.

Candi: Bye-bye, Cecil!

Huh, no big romantic kiss? That's unusual.

Social Worker: Mr. Goodytwoshoes, do you think we will ever be released from here?

Cecil: I have every confidence that we will. It is merely a matter of my continuing to be promoted.

Social Worker: I was happy to assist you in gaining your last Logic point. Cecil: Also, I thought it was wise to further our friendship. It needs to be fairly high if I am

successfully to plead with the Grim Reaper. And I should not like to be unsuccessful.

Cecil: Which reminds me, Miss Worker. . .what's over there?

Social Worker: I saw that! You cannot cheat all the time. It is detrimental to your character.

Grim: HOW DID THE DREAM DATE GO, CECIL?

Oh. . . fine.

A few pictures of Asylum life.

Miss Worker loves this thing. I can tell without looking that she has maxed Body, plus she is very, very fit, which helps considerably in beating up the Social Bunny.

I mentioned that our patients have to double up now. At one time, Grim was so shy that he wouldn't allow anyone to sleep with him, but now he will.

The Therapist and Pink Social Bunny frequently grab the only single bed, though how the Sim Shrink can sleep with that on is a mystery to me.

As I'm sure you can tell, this is Grim taking a bubble bath. The blur is to hide his naughty bits.

Where ARE his naughty bits?

You may think I'm showing a lot of pictures of this. . .

. . . and of this, but believe me, there were many I didn't show.

At some point, the Shrink becomes too stupid to eat. I don't know what's wrong. He just stands there getting hungry and doing this, and his icon is orange.(Miss Worker has a distressing tendency to go to bed hungry, which is worrisome too.)

An empty stomach can mean instant death if Mrs. Crumplebottom decides to get nasty, though I'm surprised at how often "Mourn" does work. Cecil tries "Call To Meal" dozens of times. Finally he has to resort to desperate measures.

Cecil: Upon the whole, I am doing admirably well, I think. While we have lost two of our company, I have managed to soldier on and garner many promotions. . .

And collect six lovers, too.

Cecil: I do not care to boast of such things.

This tactic works. The Shrink break out of his funk and eats dinner, which is a high calorie bowl of chili con carne. Since Cecil was home for several days in one week, it made sense to let him do some real cooking, although the fiasco with the Sim Shrink ate up very valuable skilling time.

Soon Cecil is back to building Creativity and the Shrink is. . . .well, I suppose he is having fun.

The phone rings off the hook with perfect strangers asking to talk to Cecil, especially when he isn't home. It's beginning to drive me crazy. Evidently, word is beginning to spread that you ought to call Cecil if you want a good time. I have nightmare visions of ladies' room walls.

Pink Social Bunny: Oh Cecillll? It's for yoooooo! It's some other Bunny, I didn't catch the whole name.

So Cecil talks to Purple Bunny and rolls up the want to flirt. And that is all he does, one Charm, and that is as far as it goes. I'm not playing favorites, truly. Other PB got distracted elsewhere and so did Cecil.

Cecil: I have burned the salmon.

I see that.

Cecil: I do not use vulgar language, but you may insert some here.

How do you like the salmon, Purple Bunny?

Purple Bunny: Mmmm, crunchy.

Cecil: Another deeply worrisome fight.

Cecil, you have one nice point. You are not supposed to cringe, you are supposed to race over and cheer.

Cecil: I cannot bring myself to look. Did she win?

Yes, she did.

Cecil: Ah, good. I shall go back to skilling now.

Skill he does. The TV is pointless for building up Cooking. He just gets bored and turns it off or changes the channel. It's much better to make him skill from the book; then when he needs Fun, he can hit the DJ Booth. And Dream Dates are very important to keep up his motives.

Candi: Ew, no, Cecil, you repel me. You are so unattractive it hurts to look at you.

Ah, they all say that.

Cecil: I am sorry. Perhaps I could offer you a tour of the garage instead.

Candi: You know, Cecil, you're right. Even if I think you're gross, we can still be bestest pals.

Cecil: I am deeply gratified.

OH. MY. GOSH. Cecil, look, you got your last cooking point with an hour to spare.

Cecil: I cannot see anything except for the Pink Social Bunny's posterior.

Cecil: Purple Bunny? I wonder if you would be my friend. --No, no, I simply want to be your friend. Do you mind chatting more quickly? I promise that if you do this I will be platinum and never bother you again.

Eeeek! Literally minutes to spare until Cecil races for the car to get to work! Ok, gang, there's gelatin on the counter, which I know is disgusting, and Mrs. C, please stay in your grave, and please try not to die until Cecil gets home at ten, pretty please?

Oh, Cecil, I am so proud of you. Cecil: Thank you, Professor, and if you will pardon me, I think I shall pass out now. MAXMOTIVES Step down to the cellar, Cecil. Cecil: There are no stairs. Suddenly now there are. I have a little present for you.

Cecil: Ah, at last! I can be in my right senses again! My want panel--yes, let us see; I want a painting, and I want a slightly more expensive painting, and some stereophonic equipment.

It must be strange wandering around with someone else's want panel. I know it was strange looking at it.

Cecil: Ah, a DISHWASHER. Now we will be able to clean up the many coffee cups littering the kitchen.

Fellow Neat Freaks: Dishwasher dishwasher dishwasher!

See how excited Grim looks? What else has he won, Jim?

Cecil: Ah, my beloved, beloved fish tank.

Cecil: There you are, my darlings. Daddy missed you.

Our readers will want an interview, Cecil. Tell me, did you ever worry that you would fail the challenge? Cecil: Not really. Any reflections, life-changing experiences? Cecil: No. (For those of you keeping score, here it is: we began with 100 points, plus a 20 point bonus for never using

Influence, plus 121 for skill points, plus 150 for aspiration points--really, I thought I read it wrong at first, plus 8 household friends, mostly lovers, I am sorry to say. Minus 23 days incarceration and 40 for two deaths, a grand total of 336. I only hoped to make it through. I'm amazed.)

Cecil, you did surprisingly well! I'll leave you to. . . Cecil: Not so fast, PROFESSOR. Uh-oh. What?

Cecil: I thought we ought to have a talk about the number of simselves sacrificed in this little experiment of yours. As you know, I was not in my sober senses. What is your excuse? People are going to be very, very suspicious at that trifecta of Renee, Toast and Candi.

They were just acting true to type! Cecil, we needed those aspiration points and we were stuck with whoever walked by! It wasn't just them; there were Brandi LeTourneau and Chrissy Stratton and Jan Tellerman. . .

Cecil: Professor, I do not care to bandy ladies' names, as you know.

Cecil: In short, Professor, you have caused much simself pain and anguish. I think it would be only honorable for you to offer to sacrifice yourself to me.

No! Cecil: WITH incriminating photographs. NOOOOO! No, Cecil, I can't! I'm married, and besides, you're back to being yourself, a cold-

blooded Fortune Sim, remember? What happened to your sense of Squeaky Clean virtue? Cecil: I would be willing to make a special if distasteful exception in order to rectify a

perceived injustice which. . . Oh, crud.

Cecil: It would be a nice gesture. That is all I am suggesting.

Hmph. I know you don't want to anyway.

Cecil: That is as it may be. While you are thinking it over--

It's blackmail, that's what it is.

Cecil: --I intend to prepare a turkey. In the stress, we did not celebrate Thanksgiving, and now that we have an oven, I think we ought to.

And so the remaining killer NPCs gather round for a festive holiday meal. Cecil, what happened to the Pink Social Bunny?

Cecil: She moved out. Miss Worker does not like her.

Grim: DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRE? I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE FOR.

Headmaster: Congratulations on beating up the Social Bunny, Miss Worker! Social Worker: Why, thank you! She has dozens and dozens of fight memories, most of them green. Incidentally,

here are their LTWs: Cecil now wants to be a Criminal Mastermind. Grim and the Headmaster both want to be Adventurers. The Social Bunny wanted to be a Captain Hero. Poor thing, she was so annoying. Maybe she should talk to Flavius. The Social Worker wants to be a Criminal Mastermind. Most of the Knowledge Sims came close to or actually maxed their body and logic skills. And the Sim Shrink wants Five Top Level Businesses, the LTW that drives most simmers mad. Doesn't it figure?

Cecil: Miss Worker, you have proven yourself to be a true gem, tidy, organized, helpful, and as mean as I am. I wanted to add. . .

Cecil: I wanted to add. . . er. . .

Cecil: I wanted to add that we ought to congratulate ourselves on a job well done. Perhaps you and the Grim Reaper would consent to stay on? And the Headmaster, if needs must. He and Grim may like to Adventure together. As for the Therapist, he is dangerously red. I think he may wish to live with the Pink Social Bunny.

Pff, Cecil, admit it, you are madly in love with Miss Social Worker-- Cecil: Please do not show that embarrassing slide. -- and I am NOT going to allow you to propose to her until and unless you drop that disgusting proposition of yours. Cecil: I can wait. A VERY long time, Professor. Creep.

Cecil: In the interim, I thought I would write my memoirs. They ought to sell rather well, don't you think?

Cecil, I thought you didn't bandy ladies' names! Cecil: I shall change all the names. And what about Miss Social Worker, hm, what are you going to do, have her

organize your notes?

Cecil: Ah, Miss Worker. No, you are right, it wouldn't do to have this meet her pure blue eye.

I think I shall write it as a novel. It is what I always do--stories about my great-great uncle's second wife who zombified a woman who later became my great-uncle's girlfriend, and the same great-great uncle's emprobement by aliens which eventually resulted in my cousin Elroy who married a male vampire—

My publisher says they are delightfully whimsical.

Cecil: Because as you know, none of this could possibly have happened.

And no one would ever believe me.

Fin.

The End

Many thanks to the Simselves who allowed themselves to be sacrificed in the cause.

And, as a bonus--

--the slide Cecil did not want you to see.