kenyon collegiate issue 2.4

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 2.4

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Philander’s Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol. 2, Issue 2 September 16, 2009

Helicopter Mom Crashes Into Middle Paty Skeeter Demiglace

IDDLE PATH — Helicopter Mom Sherylirrin P’10, ’13 crashed onto Middle Path inose to her children, witnesses at the scene re- -

ore air than she could take in, that’s how loud-Tyler Chang, a junior psychology major, has

- doing things that are com-pletely inappropriate, suchas personally attending all - -

-he has had in handling suchdisasters. “I watched Tyler’s - is usually an indication

-

-

Kat that she was a slthat John was totallKay. “John was total

“Besides her chil

knicks in the trees,

INSIDE THIS ISSUE:NICK PETRICCA’S PARENTS VISIT FOR FAMILY WEEK

STUDENT ON ADDERALL FINISHES READING DAYS IN

AN HOUR

SUSHI WITH GUSTO REPLACED BY SUSHI WITH EUG

Helium Balloon Tale: Where’s Cedric?y Eegull Eggellstein and Beauregard

PDATE, 3:15 PM

PDATE, 3:45 PM

-

PDATE, 3:47 PMooting it down.PDATE, 4:14 PM all. Authorities on the scene now include rep-d the CIA.

PDATE, 4:20 PM

UPDATE, 5:00 PMUPDATE, 5:27 PM UPDATE, 5:50 PM

- Up!least 400 times. “I only got a chance to see the staging an Up! -

Mirrin crashes on Middle Path

Toros Discovered In AtmospBy Eegull Eggelstein

department announced today that last wreleased a new particle into the atmos

Department, the Toros particle can cause as they get closer, they lose energy. Th colder. In layman’s terms, the Toros par



Stray Bears Invade CampuBy Diesel Jackson

e administration on edge. - - used them as pets, going against school pol-

y.

-nment to implement a plan that would, asutain says, “neutral-

ogram. The mainea is that students mporarily house a

-

the school administration,

the “Catch, De-Claw, andput into practice starting student instruction ses- -man ’11.

I totally want to keep the

while student reception is just as warm.

“WHAT’S THE BIG WHOOP? WE NAMED OURS DILLY, AND WE KEEP HIM IN OUR COMMON ROOM.”

-E MMA F ITZ D ERRICK

ampus Newspaper Publishes Article Just To Fill Spa

-

sterday.

-

He continued, “I’d just like to reiterate: I -

Arts and Entertainment Editor Angie Kerma-

The article, which contained no journ

the editors hoped no one would notice it



eekends ago.-

ncouraging men to at-nd the party dressed

s women.

aid, “either I made outith a guy dressed as arl or I made out withgirl who I mistook

rl. All I really knowthat the person was

earing a leopard print actually looked pret-good . . . anyway,

e whole thing was

Kenyon party enthu-

hops. Yeah, I know, I don’t know why anyoneould do that either. He’s got a last name that- -

Another party-goer, who would like to re-main anonymous, told Collegiate reporters that -ed.

-

a musical delight—you

-tinued. “ ’In The Air To- didn’t. It was that chick,the ginger with the weird-ly long torso — she’s gotthat disease PresidentLincoln had. It’s why he

“That night some red

now that you mention it,

y Beauregard Beauregard

Collegiate writ-

- -e Year award.

enyon with, though Cornelius and I did think -

-

-

Some alumni are drawing on their real-Col-legiate. “I’m so glad the guys asked me to help

“Honestly, I don’t know what I’m goSchlumphrey. “Laughter just doesn’t sousame when you’re moppin’ spew and sid

ish, and the content immature.

“I did like how they included some jo

Some current Collegiate

Washed-Up Collegiate Alumni Start Alumni Bulletin Paro

hick Makes Convincing Chick At Deb Ball

By Satchmo Dirk Jerkins

yon’s Anti-Social Board announced Th

umm . . . decided that, you know, thos

Anti-Social Board is a special interest

to on their iPods while they sit in their

Anti-Social Board to Organize BEvents Than Those Stupid Pa

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS?

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kenyon collegiate issue 2.4

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