Reconciliation inclinical work

Karl TommUniversity of Calgary

Reconciliation

• may be defined as therestoration of trust in aninterpersonal relationship

Trust

• Entails two components:

• A belief that the other hasgood intentions

• A belief that the other hassufficient competence

Reconciliation

• Is a major interpersonalachievement

• Presupposes a prior rupture orbreak in a relationship

• The break is usually due toharmful actions

• One or both parties felt hurt,diminished or wronged by theother

Vindication

• A process of restoring a senseof one’s own worth after beinghurt

• Two contrasting methods

• By diminishing the worthof the other e.g.retaliation, revenge

• By enhancing the worthof the self e.g.competence, forgiveness

Revenge

• The seeking of satisfaction byattempting to harm the other (orassociated others) as aretaliatory measure for aperceived injury

• Actions taken in revenge tend tolead to further retaliationresulting in cycles of violence

Forgiveness

• A process that enables us tomanage resentment and anger inthe wake of being wronged

• Improves the likelihood ofreconciliation

• May be unilateral orinteractional

• May be implicit or explicit

Multiple victims

Primary victims– The persons directly violated or

offended

Secondary victims– Family members and friends

deeply hurt by the harm directedtoward the primary victims

Tertiary victims– Members of the same community

or ethnic group as the primaryvictims

Multiple perpetrators

Primary perpetrators– The persons who engage in

practices of violence, exploitation,intimidation, or other injustices

Secondary perpetrators– Persons who are complicit

Tertiary perpetrators– Persons who collude

Magnitude gap

• An episode of interpersonalconflict usually entailsdestructive and hurtfulbehaviours perpetrated by bothparties

• Thus, each party may be bothvictim and perpetrator

• However, the nature and degreeof damage inflicted on eachparty differs

Credibility gap

• Following an interpersonaltransgression, there is often a`credibility gap´ regarding the`offenses´ that were committed

• This gap is created by self-serving perceptual distortionson the part of both victims andperpetrators

• The gap is maintained orexacerbated by interpersonalpatterns of maximizing andminimizing

FacilitatingReconciliation

• Prepare parties (separately ifindicated)

• Create conditions for a safemeeting

• Enable communication andunderstanding

• Open space for apology andforgiveness

• Identify impasses and proposealternatives

Steps to reconcile• Express a desire for a positive

outcome

• Appreciate the other’sparticipation

• Admit feelings of vulnerability(if safe)

• Acknowledge that realdifferences exist

• Apologize for overstatements ormistakes

• Acknowledge own anger anddefensiveness

• Acknowledge underlying fear orhurt

Steps to reconcile(continued)

• Conduct a negative enquiry– Ask about the other’s experience

of one’s own mistakes

– Listen actively

– Try to empathize

– Acknowledge and accept theother’s feelings

– Apologize for the unintendedeffects of one’s own behaviour

Steps to reconcile(continued)

• Try to enter into the experienceof the other

• Clarify the different positionsand their underlyingassumptions and values

• Relinquish unimportant and/oruntenable positions

• Ask for and/or acceptforgiveness

• Search for new frames ofreference that can encompassremaining differences

Forgiveness

• A willingness to abandonresentment and retribution whilefostering compassion, empathy,generosity, and love

• A readiness to offer the offendera fresh s tart

• Must be offered freely• External pressure to forgive can

perpetrate further trauma

Forgiveness(social exchange theory

view)• When one person harms or

transgresses another, whetherintentionally or not, the eventeffectively creates aninterpersonal `debt´

• Forgiveness essentially involvescancelling this `debt´ by theperson who has been wronged

Steps to grantingforgiveness

• Recognize and acknowledgethat one has been hurt

• Identify one’s strong feelingsabout being wronged

• Let go of desires and/or needsthat may never be fulfilled as aresult of the offense

• Entertain a shift in one’sperspective on the offender

(continued…)

Steps to forgiveness(continued)

• Separate the offender from theoffense

• Develop some empathy andcompassion for the offenderwithout condoning the offense

• Construct a new understandingof the situation, of oneself, andof the offender

• (optional) Express forgivenessexplicitly

Barriers to Forgiveness

• Victim-based

• Perpetrator-based

Barriers to Forgiveness(victim-based)

• Overwhelming negativeemotions

• Fear that the transgression willbe repeated

• Assumption that one needs toforget

• Fear of appearing weak• Belief that justice will not be

served by forgiving• Lack of awareness of benefits to

self (cont..)

Barriers to Forgiveness(victim-based cont…)

• Belief that one deserved to beabused

• Danger of betraying thirdparties

• Loss of benefits of victim status

– Right to criticize

– Right to retaliate

– Right to seek compensation

– Right to hold a moraladvantage

Barriers to Forgiveness(perpetrator-based)

• Continuing abuse/injustice

• Lack of regret or remorse in theperpetrator

• Absence of acknowledgementof the harm done

• Lack of explicit or genuineapology

• Lack of restitution or restorativeaction

Barriers to Apology

• Perpetrator-based

• Victim-based

Barriers to Apology(perpetrator-based)

• Lack of awareness of the harmdone

• Inability to separate goodintentions from bad effects

• Disagreement with the charges

• Fear of punishment and/orhumiliation

• Fear of costs for restitution

• Propensity to project blame onothers

Barriers to Apology(victim-based)

• Lack of awareness of harm toself

• Lack of contact with perpetratordue to safety needs of victim

• Lack of feedback to theperpetrator

• Desire to protect the perpetratorand/or the relationship

• Propensity to blame the self

Tangles of Shame andGuilt

• Two major sources:

– External (mostly shame)

• Specific shamingactions by others

• Judgmental culturalbeliefs/values

– Internal (mostly guilt)

• Own `wrong´ orharmful acts

• Own acts of omission

Deconstructing Shame

• Acknowledge the injusticesperpetrated against the self

• Identify one’s own acts ofresis tance

• Honour the self for resisting

• Identify the self as a survivor

(continued…)

Deconstructing Shame(continued)

• Mobilize feelings of outrage

• Openly disclose the injustices

• Hold perpetrators accountable

• Seek restorative action

• Open space for dialogue andpossible apology

• Consider forgiveness

Deconstructing Guilt

• Identify and acknowledgehaving made mistakes

• Express regret and remorse

• Offer genuine apologies

• Take restorative action

• Seek forgiveness andreconciliation

• Share one’s learning with others

Deconstructing TertiaryGuilt

• Identify one’s connection withthe primary perpetrators

• Acknowledge the mistakes thatwere made and/or are beingmade

• Adopt a s tance of active protestagainst the injustice

• Express regret and remorse formistakes

• Take some restorative action