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Summer...the season devoted to children is upon us. School is in recess and the kids are everywhere...literally. I was up early one morning and stepped outside to watch the sun ascend higher across the sky, when suddenly, while taking in this progressing beauty, a few kids swung from tree branches in the park that sits across the street from my home. And with the glories of summer and the vitality it brings to minds, for many, can intensify feelings of grief and sorrow.

Every child seen jumping through sprinkler heads and diving head first into triangle shaped watermelon is the child. The son or daughter that was but is no longer. The miscarriage, the still birth, the abrupt life, the never achieved conception. Summer, for many is a time of harrowing reminders of a life that could have been.

This reality stands in stark contrast to the the typical idiosyncrasies that we memorialize summers by. The staunch difference pushes those who are suffering to go silently underground with their emotions. Many feel obliged to put on a brave face, smile through the tears, and survive.

For those of you who find themselves in the throws of a season that brings grief rather then joy; restraint rather then freedom, and hopelessness rather then faith, this issue is dedicated to you.

All journeys that commence with expectation are ever winding. Seldom

does the “thing” that is desired ever bring us the fulfillment we expected it would bring. On the other side of grief, on the other side of suffering, is a resolution that

often is more about the deep transformation that has taken place in an individual rather then the fulfillment of an expectation. In other words, “Its not where you are going but its who you are becoming.”

If you are in the throws of a dark season, if you have lived through the tragedy of losing a child, take heart that you are never alone. There are others who have walked down this same

road and now are standing along with you, cheering you on. There is a comforter who is more real then you can possibly imagine and He will be your guide through this dark season of your life and show you that this season has an end.

Take heart. Submit yourself to the transformation that is taking place even now in a moment in time that feels as if time has come to stand still. May the God who makes beautiful things be with you and grant you the peace that surpasses all understanding.

The sun will come again. Summer will return and one day you will be on the other side, standing anew, a composite of a redeemed suffering, running through sprinkler heads, and diving headfirst into triangle shaped watermelon.

(Beautiful Things-Gungor)

A word from our founderBy Anthea Ramirez, Chief Sharer

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Steve Wiens is a pastor, husband, and father of three boys. To see the original post and to read more from Steve visit his blog The Actual Pastor and follow him on twitter.

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about the hilarious and exasperating journey of parenting small children. But for seven harrowing years of infertility, Mary and I would have given anything to have children, no matter how hard it was. Here are ten words I would use to describe how infertility feels:

1. Lonely. We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. Exposed. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.

It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”

It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

4. Invaded. For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self.  But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.

It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

10 Words That Describe Infertility Steve Wiens

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5. Awkward. During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.

6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. Stressed. Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

10 Words That Describe Infertility (continued from page 3)

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With an Open Heart: What happens when you have one plan, and God has another? Do you still believe?Adoption has been a tremendous blessing to our family. In more ways than we ever imagined or expected.

In 2006, my husband, Jim, and I adopted a beautiful, healthy one-year old daughter from China. Madi gave us more joy than we ever could have anticipated. For two years, we were a perfectly happy family of three, and our hearts were completely full of love for Madi as our “only child.” But then, God began to tap us again, and we decided to adopt a sibling. Jim and I prayed for guidance, and chose to adopt a special needs child. God answered our prayers, and prepared our hearts for a beautiful one-year old boy with Tetralogy of Fallot—a congenital heart defect involving four abnormalities of the heart. Continued on page 5

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2013 10 Words That Describe Infertility (continued from page 4)

8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. Ambivalence. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal. 

If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you. My blessing for you as you struggle: May God give you what you need, when you need it, over and over and over again.

With an Open Heart....(Continued from Page 4)Even before we met him, we knew our son had desperate needs. Open heart surgery was his most critical physical need, but above all else, he needed a family that would love him – completely and unconditionally. We soon realized that we needed him as well. We named our son Daniel, and prayed for his safety and healing a million miles away. Though we’d never met him, we’d already fallen in love with him.

After six months of praying and waiting, in January 2010, we traveled to China to bring Daniel home. From the moment he came into our lives, we treasured him. Over the next four months, our family shared many precious moments together, and Daniel lived the fun-filled life of a typical healthy two-year-old American toddler. Continued on page 6

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But our son still needed surgery – an operation that we hoped and prayed would give him the chance to live a long and healthy life. In May 2010, Jim and I took Daniel for his open-heart surgery. Daniel’s body appeared strong, and his will seemed even stronger. We – along with the doctors – had every hope that our son would not only survive this surgery, but that he would thrive in the days and years to come. To our devastation, there were complications that followed the surgery and Daniel did not survive. While we planned to bring our son home with us, God had another plan and brought Daniel to his eternal home instead.

It’s impossible to convey the range of emotions we felt after our loss. Although Daniel was with our family for only four short months, it seemed as if he were with us forever. The profound imprint that he’s made on our lives is permanent, and it’s hard to believe how much we have changed, especially spiritually, since we were blessed with Daniel in our family.

Just weeks after Daniel’s passing, there were two things I knew we needed to do. Though it seemed scary and confusing, my husband and I both strongly felt God calling upon us again. Jim and I both knew in our hearts that we needed to adopt another child. And we truly believed that Daniel would want us to share our love with another child who needed a home—so we did. Because of Daniel, we now have another beautiful son, Charlie, who will turn four this September.

As Daniel’s Mommy—I also knew that I needed to preserve Daniel’s life story and share our family’s journey with others. So I began writing “With an Open Heart – a true story of faith, love, and courage.” It is our hope that Daniel’s life story, and our family’s journey, will touch the hearts of others whether it brings readers to a deeper faith, inspires one to adopt God’s orphans, or helps someone with their own grieving process.

We have learned many lessons about the goodness of God through this journey of faith, love, and loss. Our son Daniel’s example demonstrates that we must treasure those God brings into our lives and cherish every precious moment with them. While we do not know God’s sovereign plan, we are called to live each day to the fullest. We all have a purpose on this earth, and we are profoundly grateful for the many ways Daniel’s impact is still being felt. While life is full of unknowns, and even heartbreaks beyond what we think we can bear, it is also full of immeasurable blessings – blessings that can be found even in the midst of deepest tragedy.

Lisa Murphy is the author of With an Open Heart, an inspirational book about her family’s faith-filled journey of love, loss, and courage. She resides in South Florida with her husband, Jim, and their two children, Madi (7) and Charlie (3), both adopted from China. Check out her website and find her on Facebook!

With an Open Heart....(Continued from Page

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