jumpers bathroom reader 1

8/3/2019 Jumpers Bathroom Reader 1

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The JumpersBathroom Reader Issue 1

Welcome to the Slaughter -

What are you going to do?



A word from Jim:

Tits

Thank you very much for your time.

I had a table of contents here, but it seems silly when not in print, and since my alignments got all screwded.

Meh, bite me.

This Jumper’s publication is pretty much OK to copy from, but we would obviously prefer for you to credit the group and authors if you decide to use

any material. Because of the nature of the group, much of the material is copyrighted property of Bungie Studios, © 1991-2006, and used without

permission, without intent of profit or pissing those guys off. This magazine is intended for entertainment only, and therefore you can’t sue us if you dosomething stupid after reading it.

The Jumper’s Bathroom Reader Volume 1 Issue 1

Standard Contact Info:e-Mail to [email protected] for any gripes, bitching, or general complaints, and I'll ignore you at my earliest

convenience.

mailto:[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]



Welcome to Issue Numbah One!

This inaugural issue is a small taste of things to come.

We are looking for contributions of any kind.With the exception of this issue, I expect the newsletter to average 12-16 pages.

Poetry, editorials, art, gameplay tips or just plain goofy shit.

Whatever you want to contribute.I can’t guarantee it will all be in, but most of it should be.

Send contributions via email to

[email protected] Or via snail mail toJames Triche

24 State Street Apt. C

Elmer, NJ 08318

Our next newsletter may even have news in it. Fancy that!

Halo-ween Gametype for Halo 2Designate one person to be “it”. He

must have some spooky music, and

be able to loop it. Halloween

Soundtrack is best. (Michael Myers)

The other people cannot attack the

person who is it unless they are the

last survivor, and then only with the

pistol. The monster uses the Sword.

Motion Tracker off, the only

indicator of the monsters approach

will be the increase in volume from

the music. 2 teams. No weapons,‘nades, or emplacements on map.

One life each.

I am dumd

– Jophus1



Bungie Trivia Crossword

ACROSS3 A band on the Techno Marathon

Soundtrack, or Jim's only vice.

5 The most famous non-prize Halo

LAN, alas no more.

6 Repository of Bungie Faithful

7 Marty's first million, strong,

and…

10 Frankie’s icon.

12 Core hemorrhage, makes angry

13 Marty Oh Dee's first video

game soundtrack wasn't for

Bungie, it was on this game.

14 Was caught leaking a beta

and imprisoned.DOWN1 Myth firebug.

2 Freebie here- ____Column

4 Another band on the

Techno Marathon Album, probably one of impurity's

vices (or not)

8 We finding its head

9 Bungie founder

11 Sated for 15 years

Hulk Hogan is trulyamazing – if he rips

off his T-Shirt, he’s

fucking invincible!!! – JAY132 on XBL

<CrowbarUser0032> it'snot easy being an idiot

<Blackeyed> Word.

- From #moap IRC



Bungie Manifesto

The Jumper’s

Audubon Society

On Noobs Identification Guide

We here at J.A.S.O.N.

understand that some of the

more savvy members of the

group will take much of thisinformation as common

sense value; however someless so may need a guide, to

help identify the noob in thewild, and formulate a

strategy to avoid these

bothersome in-duh-viduals.

If you recognize your own

behaviour patterns herein,it’s not too late! Change

your wayward ways before

action is taken!

Without further ado:

The Pansy:

A general pussy, these noobs

enjoy camping on their flag

locations and inspecting

scenery. Don’t ask them to

help with an assault; theydon’t know how to be

physically offensive. These

noobs can be dealt with most

efficiently if the host boots

them, but it’s much more

rewarding to taunt them until

they cry and quit.

The Salmon:

It appears that an unknown

cosmic force draws them tothe same exact location every

time they play. They’re a

harmless nuisance, and due to

their predictability, can

actually work in your favor

as a decoy.

The Coward:

These noobs are hard to spot

initially, because they tend to

appear as normal players for the first few minutes. Once a

situation gets tense, however,

they tend to want to revert

into a Pansy Noob mode. The

Coward is most easily

identified by an odd scattered

panicky retreat if they’re

accidentally hit with long

distance small arms fire.



The Lex Luthor:

He will spend upwards of 3

minutes of a 5 minute match

to work out an extremely

complex, detailed plan that is

99% foolproof, only to be

thwarted when the other teamcomes in the back while he’s

busy orating, thereby

rendering his plan useless.

The Donut™:

This is the noob that defies

all odds, getting unscathed

into the enemies territory,

retrieving the flag, and

getting lost on the way back

to the base.

The Wheelman:

They insist on driving the

passenger vehicles, but the

skills are severely lacking.

More often than not, their

driving results in rollovers

and more damage to his

vehicle and teammates than

to anything else.

The Statue:

This noob makes it all theway into the enemy base, and

freezes, apparently trusting in

the enemy’s poor eyesight.

One theory is that the noob

has a Jurassic Park complex,

and the vicious enemy is

likened to the T-Rex, and

will not be able to see him if

he does not move. a.k.a. The Deer-In-Headlights Noob

The Invincible Noob:

This fellow is truly gung-

ho. He will march in file

directly towards the

enemy, apparently fearing

nothing. The workingtheory is that the noob

feels that bullets will

bounce off of him, a la

Superman, unfortunately

for the noob, Invincible is a

name only.

The General:

This noob gives

nonsensical orders that are

vague at best, and suicidal

at worst. Some examplesof speech are: “Drive me!”

(Where?), “Grab the Flag”

(Duh!) and the ever

popular “He’s over there!”

The Invincible Noob’s Self

Perception

The final three aregrouped together because

the often overla in st le

The Ray Charles:

Well he looks good, but the only

excuse for that kind of aim is if he

were blind. The kills he does get

are generally accidental, and half the time they are TK’s. The Ray

Charles often is a mere aspect of

the following two noob-types:

The Lee Harvey Oswald:

This son-of-a-batch-of-cookies

simply MUST have a Sniper

Rifle. He will often camp over the

spawn point for the weapon,

refusing to do anything until he

has it. If he cannot have the

weapon he will either quit, or evolve into:

The Benedict Arnold/Guy

Fawkes:

This noob will actively TK people

in order to obtain the weapon they

are using, commonly a sniper

rifle.

What a dick.

There are general guidelines tokeep in mind for dealing with

noobs:

*They are pack animals, and

often exhibit a herd mentality.

Watch for others.

*They are quick to panic andcan be unpredictable and

dangerous when cornered. Keep

current on all your shots.

*Oftentimes they will use a

vernacular dubbed Leetspeke;

this should be ignored at all

costs, lest it negatively affect

your intelligence.

If one has the option, it is

always expedient to boot anoob from a game when theopportunity presents itself, butit’s usually much more fun tocounterattack with taunts andinsults to the ego. Not onlywill they quit of their ownvolition, you have thesatisfaction of making themcry themselves to sleep.

Unfortunately, the noob is in

no danger of joining the worldendangered species list, so feel

free to dispose of them in anyway you see fit once you have

properly identified one. It’sokay, they’re always in season.-Jim



Final Words

Well, that was the first issue of the newsletter, which, ironically, neither was a letter nor filled with news.

A prelude of the future for the Jumpers: a further organization of our members, friends and allies, an expansionof our online community (Bungie.net group, and the rest of Bungie.net) A big integration of Jumper Groups, and a bigger presence on Bungie.net sharing and making things a little nicerfor everyone. We have Gandhi 2 on Myth Jumpers, we have BobBQ on Marathon Jumpers, and we've gotJosher on Halo Jumpers.

Lot of shit to do.

As you all know, we’ve had a share of great times and horrid times. This Newsletter is dedicated to an idea, of amore friendly Bungie.net, and to the people of Bungie.net themselves.

Make sure your ankle strap’s tight! – Jim

Crossword Answer Key (Dirty cheater!)Across: 3-Tobacco 5-Wu 6-Septagon 7-FlintstonesKids10-MisterChief 12-Tycho 13-Riven 14-DisembodiedSoul

Down: 1-Dwarf 2-Seventh 4-CannibalWhoreFeast 8-LingLing9-Seropian 11-YourMom

“You Suck Jim!”-V

“Your mom taught me

everything I know.”-J

“Dude my mom’s sitting

right next to me.”-V

“Ha!” -Everyone

– Jim and Vash on XBL

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