journey - griefhaven...journey inside. as always, we are here for you whenever and wherever you need...

a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation 310.459.1789www.griefHaven.org

JourneyT H E P A R E N T

On January 31, 2009, our son, NickRosser, was taken from us in a car accident.In the ensuing days I struggled to get out ofbed. Grief drained me emotionally andphysically. At the time of the accident, Iwas on hiatus from my job as FirstAssistant Director on the TV show 24. Itwas fortunate that I did not have toimmediately return to work during thoseinitial days. However, days turned to weeks, myhiatus ended, and I returned to my job.At work I was surrounded by loving friends

and crewmembers who were compassionateand understanding. But I felt empty inside.Work ceased to hold the same excitement thatit had before Nick’s passing. I’d always beenpassionate about my job, enjoyed my time onset, and as a manager I strived to create a light-hearted environment for my co-workers. Butnow I questioned the arduous hours andwondered about working so hard whensomeone that I loved could be taken so easily.Let me take a step back in time.... A year

before Nick died, my family met my mother-in-law for dinner one evening. She circled thebusy parking lot looking for a place to park.As a spot opened up, she was about to take itwhen a guy in a Corvette zipped in, stealingthe space. My family and I were stunned! Nickurged me to beat the guy up. I’ve never beenmuch of a fighter, so I declined. We joked overdinner that the Corvette driver should be

reprimanded for his “piggy” behavior, and theconcept of Piggy Nation was born.In the interim, between that evening and

Nick’s death, I created a novelty item calledthe Piggy Ticket and wrote the manuscript fora children’s book about piggy behavior. I sentthe manuscript to several literary agents, buthad no luck getting it published. I printedseveral hundred pads of Piggy Tickets with thehope of selling them to gift shops, but thepads sat in our garage collecting dust.After Nick died, I was overwhelmed by

feelings of hopelessness and despair. Life seemed

This is our final Parent Journeynewsletter for 2011. The official holidaysbetween now and the end of December areupon us. It's always achallenging and difficult time forgrieving families. To help withthis challenge, both this ParentJourney and the current SiblingVoice share inspirational storiesthat also suggest unique andmeaningful gifts to lift anyone'sspirit, whether young, elderly,or in-between. Just flipping through Richard and

Shane's newspaper cartoons, watching aPiggy presentation to elementary schoolchildren, or reading pages from the PiggyNation book can put a smile on anyone'sface! You can order a signed version of thebook at no additional charge, AND Richardand Shane will donate a portion of eachorder to griefHaven. Or, if you love thebeautiful poem, The Thing Is, as much aswe do, you can order Ellen's book, orperhaps the beautiful poster she offers.John Albert Thomas’ sumptuous CD,

Now I Sleep, will transport you to anotherplace. Read about John’s inspiredjourney inside.As always, we are here for you

whenever and wherever you need us.

october - december 2011

~ Susan Whitmorefounder & president

Nick and Richard

a griefHaven newsletter for grieving parents and those who support them

where hope resides

this bookwould make aGREAT gift!

for adults and children of all ages!


my son’s spirit lives on in Piggy Nationby richard rosser

Check Out the Last Page and

Encourage Your Kidsto Enter the Raffle!

a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation www.griefHaven.org

like a giant treadmill of heartache. As I searchedfor something meaningful to latch onto, Iprinted a copy of my children’s book manuscriptand carried it in my pocket. I pretended toedit the thing; moving sentences around,adding exclamation points, deleting commas.But I was really just spinning my wheels.One day on set, my coworker, Jill Cosh,

asked what I was reading. I explained that itwas a children’s book I’d written that wasgoing nowhere fast. After reading mymanuscript, Jill’s face brightened and sheexclaimed, “This is great. You should performschool assemblies. Kids will love it.” Jill’s plansounded perfect, because Nick had alwaysenjoyed working with kids. He was a campcounselor, a lifeguard, and created a campvideo game when he was only 14. Jill’s ideawas the first spark of hope I’d had since Nickdied. Looking back, there’s no doubt in mymind that Nick’s spirit brought Jill and metogether. Her enthusiasm (and her threat to“kick my butt” if I didn’t follow through)nudged me forward.

Piggy Nation A Day At Work With DadI began to search for an artist to draw some

illustrations for my school assemblypresentation. A friend of Nick’s sent me amessage through Facebook that her father,Dave Warren, worked on The Simpsons.Howcool! It was through Dave that I was thenintroduced to an incredibly gifted

and talented artist, Shane Sowell. Shane and Ihit it off, and we began designing theillustrations for what would become PiggyNation A Day At Work With Dad—a children’sbook that focuses on piggy behavior in amusingways that is a modern version of the GoldenRule. Again, I felt Nick’s spirit guiding me.

During the design process, I beganreading our book to elementary schoolclasses. The students were a perfect focusgroup and helped me hone the story. Inthe depth of my grief over Nick’s death, Isuddenly felt energized. I had a newmission! However, the task at handwas not without unexpecteddifficulties. For example, one day as Ientered a school, I noticed a boy thatreminded me of Nick. Anoverwhelming wave of anguish filledme, and I nearly bolted from theroom. But then I realized that Nickwould have wanted me to continue.So I stayed and read my book to aclass of first graders. The childrensmiled as I read my story. Deep down,I knew that Nick was smiling too.As Shane completed the

illustrations, I worked on the bookcover which resulted in my favoriteillustration of all: Sammy and Hankpicnicking in the park. Each has hislegs crossed and a bite out of hissandwich. They are surrounded by acircle that reminds me of a snowglobe; an idyllic snapshot in time forfather and son. After the book waspublished, a member of our griefgroup commented how appropriate itwas that I had chosen a drawing that

showed father and sontogether. She loved thesymbolism that the coverconveyed—that Sammyand Hank represented Nickand me. I have to admit,this had not occurred tome while I was designingthe cover. Again, Nick hadwielded his influence.I began performing

school assemblies. I createda comic routine in which Ipretended to be a piggymyself, rushing late intothe front of the assembly

room with all of the childrenpatiently waiting for me, talking on mycell phone while in front of the room,and sloppily eating chips while talkingto the kids about the “inconsideratebehavior” by those piggies in the book.Of course the kids immediately “got it”and called ME on MY piggy behavior.

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Piggy Nation A Day At Work with Dad book cover

“I... wondered about working sohard when someone that I loved could

be taken so easily.”

Clips of Piggy Nation the Comic Strip, which debuted in the Sunday Oklahomanin July of 2011


Thrilled by the kids’ responses, I decided toadapt my book into a full-blown children’smusical.

Piggy Nation The MusicalI’m a musician, and although I play

keyboards in a local dad’s band, I had neveractually written a song, so creating a children’smusical could have been a daunting task. Yet, Iapproached this with the same passion I hadeverything else, believing that this, too, wouldsomehow fall into place. And it did. Bynetworking, I found a gifted composer AlecWells. Together, Alec and I embarked on thenext wave of my creative journey. Lookingback, it is incredible to me how I managed towrite the libretto for the musical and the lyricsfor 13 songs while working full time on a newTV series, The Defenders. I’m positive thatNick’s spirit filled me with ideas andinspiration and that I could not have done itwithout him. Before we knew it, Piggy NationThe Musical was born and ready for itspremiere showing. So in February 2011, at thePierson Playhouse in Pacific Palisades,California, before a packed house, PiggyNation The Musical came to life! I wasbeaming from ear to ear as I heard thelaughter, the “call-outs” from the audience,and the clapping. When Nick first died, I

never believed that I would experiencesuch a moment again, but I waswrong.When I first considered writing

Piggy Nation The Musical, it occurredto me that some schools might not beable to afford to stage a production.In fact, some schools might not have adrama department at all. So I haveestablished The Piggy NationFoundation in order to teachthoughtfulness and considerationthrough the creative arts. I’mdeveloping programs that utilize mychildren’s book and musical to teachunderprivileged children aboutcreative writing, theater craft,songwriting, and cartooning. What a

wonderful way to honor Nick’slove of children!

Piggy Nation The Comic andPiggy Nation Let’s Go CampingI continue to expand Piggy

Nation into additional creativeoutlets. Shane and I createdPiggy Nation the Comic Strip,which debuted in the SundayOklahoman on July 24, 2011.In addition, we recently

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The Rosser Family: Nick, Ali, Stacey and Richard

Piggy Nation A Day At Work with Dad book inside

Shane Sowell and Richard Rosser at book signing.


finished our firstchildren’s chapter bookentitled Piggy Nation Let’sGo Camping.Along the way, I’ve

partnered with a handfulof creative folks who havehelped me implement myvision of Piggy Nation.Jill jump-started thewhole thing. IllustratorShane has become mycreative partner.Composer Alec helpedme craft songs richlylayered with Blues, Rock,Rap and Gospelinfluences. Theater director DorothyDillingham Blue decided to stage my musicalafter reading only four scenes. Joe Hight atThe Sunday Oklahoman took a chance on anunknown comic strip. In addition, I have thesupport of my wife Stacey and daughter Aliwho have served as creative consultants everystep of the way. I’m also indebted to SusanWhitmore, Wendell Whitmore, and AnneRoberts at griefHaven, as well as ourgriefHaven grief group for their love andsupport. I’m convinced that each of thesewonderful collaborators has become involvedwith Piggy Nation through Nick—some ofthem directly; others indirectly.I had no idea where I was headed when I first

conceptualized Piggy Nation, but I’ve remainedopen to opportunities and followed my heart.

As I continue forwardand friends ask how Iplan to accomplish thenext step, my stockanswer has been, “Idon’t know. I’mmaking this up as Igo.” I have to admit,this may not beentirely true. I’mfollowing Nick’s lead.On a recent

vacation, someoneasked what I do for aliving. A year ago Iwould have replied thatI work on a TV series

as an assistant director. But this timewas different; something urged me toanswer, “I’m a children’s author,playwright, and cartoonist.” And youknow something? It felt right.Since Nick died, I often feel that I’m

living for two people. I daydream aboutwhat Nick would have accomplished inlife, what kind of man he would havebecome, and how he might have madea difference. When I step back for anobjective view, I realize that I alreadyhave the answer: Nick’s spirit permeatesPiggy Nation.His spirit infuses mewith the desire to teach children andadults about thoughtfulness andconsideration—to energize kids about creative writing and excitethem about the performing arts. Nick may no longer be here, buthis spirit lives on in every word I write.

Richard Rosser is a children's author/playwright/cartoonistwho lives with his wife, Stacey, daughter, Ali, and dogs, Rosco and Winnie, in Pacific Palisades, California.

Click on the links below for more information:

4Nick and Richard

Piggy Nation Let’s Go Camping book cover

Piggy Behavior Ticket

To order Piggy Nation A Day At Work With Dad,or any of the Piggy Nation items, go towww.piggynation.com.

See sample pages from Piggy Nation A Day At Work With Dad athttp://piggynation.com/?page_id=198

Watch a montage from Piggy Nation The Musical athttp://piggynation.com/?page_id=218

Watch a short video of Richard’s school assembly athttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JP4kKvpPPDM


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To purchase Now I Sleep http://nowisleepproject.org

In the summer of 2009, John AlbertThomas was trying to make ends meet as afull-time piano composer, husband, andfather of four. His business coach encouragedhim to find a way to use his musical gifts toserve others. With that in mind, he created anew product called Piano Tributes, a series ofpiano compositions, inspired by courageousindividuals and given as a gift.John, researching ways to let artists know

about his music for slideshows and videos,stumbled upon the Now I Lay Me Down ToSleep (NILMDTS) organization—anorganization whose photographers createremembrance portraits for families sufferingthe loss of a baby. John was moved to tearsand felt deeply compelled to create somePiano Tributes for families. They invited himto post the idea on their family forum. Tenfamilies quickly signed up, and John beganinterviewing them.After each interview, John went to the

piano with his notes and focused on whatreally stood out for him. He worked tocapture the emotion of key words from theinterview, words such as “peace,” “adventure,”“balloons,” “angels,” “heartbeat,” and“heaven.” Each baby had their own story, andeach story took on a life of its own in hismind and through his fingers.John said, “Sometimes I had to work hard

at coming up with the right melody, whileother times it came in one sitting. Often

the music came through tears, and sometimesit poured out of my hands as if I were

watching myselfplay—as if Godwere granting me agift to pass along. Iwas humbled andspeechless duringthose times. Thereis no other way todescribe it.” Hiswife Becky said,“As John wouldplay in theevenings after wegot our childrento bed, I wouldsometimes crywhen hearing thebeautifulmelodiesbeing playedin honor ofthose sweetlittle lives. Onecomposition inparticular thatmoves me totears every timeI hear it is FlyAway. It is anamazing,uplifting melodythat is inspiredby a little babynamed Gracelynn. Tohonor her life, the family releases balloonsevery year on her ‘angelversary.’ I feel so gladthat the family now has a musicalcomposition for her that will last a lifetime.”By the end of 2010, John had composed

ten piano works. He began to see the powerof this musical gift when he sent to eachfamily a rough recording of their baby’s song.Many commented on how it really capturedthe memory of their baby and howprofoundly it touched them.One of the moms, Darby, wrote: “When I

was first sent the preview of Shaunna’s song,

my heart melted. Hearing the previewsent me back to the hospital room whereI held my daughter on my chest for thoselast few minutes of her life. How amazingthat a piece of music could do this. Whatthis CD means to me and my husband issomething that words cannot describe.

There aren’t enough thank-yous that wouldeven come close to the gratitude we have foryou recording this CD to remember thechildren that have gone too soon.” With the parents’ agreement, John

compiled the ten songs into an amazing CD.On April 22, 2011, John released the CDNow I Sleep, and it has been acclaimed bybereavement groups around the world.John states, “This album is about giving. Ten

families gave me their tragic stories. God gaveme the gift of music. Today I give them to you,hoping that they will provide comfort for thegrieving, especially when words aren’t enough.”

now i sleepCD music and piano by john albert thomas

Becky and John Thomas

John Thomas

wonderful holiday gift

idea!


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We regularly receive poems from people and are truly amazed by their creativity (keep them coming!).The Thing Is is one of those poems that simply showed up one day in my email in-box. Reading it, I wasutterly astounded and sat at my desk for several minutes just taking it all in. Ellen Bass managed topoetically capture our pinnacle goal after our child dies: to love life again.I emailed Ellen, and she wrote right back, giving us permission to include her poem in this Parent

Journey. I share this glorious poem of the heart with you and hope you will order her book, Mules of Love,which won the prestigious Lambda Literary Award.

Ellen Bass’ books of poetry include The Human Line (CopperCanyon Press, 2007), named a Notable Book of 2007 by theSan Francisco Chronicle and Mules of Love (BOA, 2002),winner of the Lambda Literary Award. She co-edited, withFlorence Howe, the groundbreaking No More Masks! AnAnthology of Poems by Women (Doubleday, 1973).

»To contact Ellen or to order Mules of Love:www.ellenbass.com

the thing isby ellen bass from Mules of Love (BOA Editions, 2002)

The Thing Is

to love life, to love it evenwhen you have no stomach for itand everything you’ve held dearcrumbles like burnt paper in your hands,your throat filled with the silt of it.When grief sits with you, its tropical heatthickening the air, heavy as watermore fit for gills than lungs;when grief weights you like your own fleshonly more of it, an obesity of grief,you think, How can a body withstand this?Then you hold life like a facebetween your palms, a plain face,no charming smile, no violet eyes,and you say, yes, I will take youI will love you, again.

The Thing Is is also available as a small posterand note cards from Syracuse Cultural Workers (http://syracuseculturalworkers.com/poster-thing).

Ellen Bass

special giftfor anyone!


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whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthyrelationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch withmy friends. Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends

until their dying weeks, and it was not always possible to track themdown by then. Many had become so caught up in their own lives thatthey had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There weremany deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effortthat they deserved.Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.What I learned from this: It is common for anyone in a busy

lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when we are faced with ourapproaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People dowant to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is notmoney or status that holds the true importance for them. They wantto get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. It allcomes down to love and relationships in the end, for that is all thatremains in the final weeks: love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the

end that happiness was a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patternsand habits. The so-called “comfort” of familiarity overflowed intotheir emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had thempretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content, whendeep within they longed to laugh and have silliness in their lives again.What I learned from this: When we are on our deathbeds, what

others think of us is a long way from our minds. How wonderful to beable to let go and smile again, long before we are dying. Life is a choice.It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. I

hope you will choose happiness and find it wherever and however you can.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to livea life true to myself, not the lifeothers expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that

their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to seehow many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had nothonored even half of their dreams and died knowing that it was dueto choices they had or had not made.What I learned from this: It is very important to try and honor at

least some of our dreams along the way. From the moment we loseour health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize untilthey no longer have it.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their

children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women alsospoke of this regret. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spendingso much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. What I learned from this: By simplifying our lifestyle and making

conscious choices along the way, it is possible not to need the incomethat we think we do. And by creating more space in our lives, webecome happier and more open to new opportunities—those moresuited to our new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage toexpress my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with

others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and neverbecame who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developedillnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.What I learned from this: We cannot control the reactions of others.

However, though people may initially react when we change the waywe are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a

five regrets of the dyingby bonnie ware

“It is YOUR life. Choose consciously,

choose wisely, choose honestly.”

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them andtheir families for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes werephenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, such as denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance.

Every single patient found their peace before they departed...every one of them.When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:


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journey - griefhaven...journey inside. as always, we are here for you whenever and wherever you need...

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