Feature StoryWinter 2015Journalism 1

CAMP HILL, Pa.—He had red hair, freckles and an infectious smile. He was a talented singer and could strum haunting melodies on his acoustic guitar. He loved animals and nature. He was a gifted sketch artist. He suffered from depression and searched for peace that could never be found. At the age of 22, he broke his mother’s heart.

On October 20 last year—a Monday—Kevin Michael Jennings* decided to end his life at his residence in Baltimore.

His mother, Camp Hill resident Dawn Porter*, knew her world would never be the same after she received that shocking phone call with its devastating and unwelcome news.

In his May 23, 2013 Newsweek article, Tony Dokoupil wrote: “Every year since 1999, more Americans have killed themselves than the year before, making suicide the nation’s greatest untamed cause of death. In much of the world, it’s among the only major threats to get significantly worse in this century than the last.”

The loss of a child is the hardest pain for a parent to bear, and it goes against the laws of nature. Parents assume their own deaths will come first, so they lose their footing when it happens the other way around. Though it is important to know how to properly communicate with one who has lost a beloved family member, it’s an especially delicate matter with a parent who has lost a child.

In the first few weeks after Kevin’s death, the Porter family received visits from extended family, friends, coworkers and members of their church. Offers to run errands poured in, cards and flowers arrived, casseroles piled up in the freezer.

Kevin’s death was slightly over four months ago, and most of the support has since come to a screeching halt. Porter, who still hasn’t returned to work, is left alone in the two-story house where she raised Kevin and his sister and brothers. Every room has a memory. She feels abandoned, and admits that she still needs the same amount of support she received in the beginning.

From her comfortable blue plaid sofa in the living room that she prefers to keep dark, Porter talked candidly about her pain. She ran her fingers through her brown hair several times as she spoke.

“No one hears or sees the screams inside my head and heart. No one knows how insane I feel,” Porter said.

Porter stressed the importance of regularly checking in with a bereaved parent for more than the first few months, especially at holidays and the deceased child’s birthday. For Kevin, that was

on November 14. She said she can understand people’s desire to want to “fix” a grieving parent’s despair by offering well-intentioned comments, but those comments can sometimes hinder the healing process.

Instead, she suggested that people approach bereaved parents with a willingness to listen. They also need to have a clear understanding of what not to say.

Porter said a couple of well-meaning friends told her they knew how she felt. Porter said that unless those people had lost a child themselves, they had no idea how much her world had shattered. Some said her son is now in a better place and is finally happy. This made her wonder why her love wasn’t enough for him to want to stay. Some said it was time for her to move on and that returning to work would be a nice distraction from the pain. It is impossible for her to move on at this time, and she feels as if they’re asking her to stop grieving long before she’s ready. One even hinted that people who commit suicide have chosen the easy way out.

“Suicide is not chosen,” Porter said. “It happens when pain exceeds the resources for coping with pain.”

Porter said she wants people to mention Kevin’s name and to share memories. She wants to know that his life mattered to others. Even if the mention of his name brings tears, it’s actually an aid in the healing process. She wants Kevin’s old friends and classmates to keep in touch. She wants to keep his memory fresh and alive for years to come.

Though the same rules of communication apply to people who may have lost a spouse, mother or grandfather, the death of a child is the most heart-breaking. This type of loss commands the need for appropriate interaction. Death by suicide makes the situation more sensitive.

The fact that Kevin committed suicide presented additional emotions for Porter. On top of the overwhelming grief, she experienced and continues to experience guilt and anger. She said grief therapy helps, but she also still needs a strong support system.

“If someone feels they need to say something, they should just say they’re sorry,” Porter said. “If they want to say more than that, they should talk about my Kevie. His name is music to my ears.”

*Names have been changed to protect privacy