it's you: is it possible to build real and lasting friendships? a dvd-based study

A Reel to Real Study

Nicole JohnsonMary E. DeMuth

Participant’s Guide

A Reel to Real Study

You pages_INT.indd 1 12/2/10 3:40:06 AM

© 2011 by Nicole Johnson

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail [email protected].

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked msg are from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson. © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked nasb are taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD Bible®. © The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked ncv are taken from the New Century Version®. © 2005 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked nkjv are from THE NEW KING JAMES VERSION. © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked nlt are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation. © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4185-4635-9

Reel to Real: An Interactive Drama-Based Study Series

It’s You: Is It Possible to Build Real and Lasting Friendships?

Printed in the United States of America

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Contents:

What Is a Reel to Real Study? . . 5

Introduction . . . . 7

Who R U? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9Group Study . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9Create: On your own study #1 . . . . . 16Deep: On your own study #2 . . . . . . 17Wide: On your own study #3 . . . . . . 22Dare: On your own study #4 . . . . . . 26Resources & iTunes List . . . . . . . . 29

Under the Influence . . . . . . . . 31Group Study . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31Create: On your own study #1 . . . . . 39Deep: On your own study #2 . . . . . . 40Wide: On your own study #3 . . . . . . 43Dare: On your own study #4 . . . . . . 46Resources & iTunes List . . . . . . . . 47

Katy and Sam . . . . . . . . . . . . 49Group Study . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49Create: On your own study #1 . . . . . 55Deep: On your own study #2 . . . . . . 56Wide: On your own study #3 . . . . . . 58Dare: On your own study #4 . . . . . . 60Resources & iTunes List . . . . . . . . 64

About Tomorrow Night. . . . . . . 65Group Study . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65Create: On your own study #1 . . . . . 71Deep: On your own study #2 . . . . . . 72Wide: On your own study #3 . . . . . . 74Dare: On your own study #4 . . . . . . 77Resources & iTunes List . . . . . . . . 79


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What Is a Reel to Real Study?Simply put, it’s what you hold in your hands. A video sketch (reel) and your journey (real). Put those two together and you have a fresh and transforming way of studying the Bible and getting to know God.

We are so excited you’ve decided to journey alongside us in this adventure called following Jesus. Knowing the current bent toward YouTube, iTunes, and social networking sites, we’ve developed an interactive study based on that reality. You’ll watch a drama, hear from others who are on the journey, and then chat about it with your friends. We’ve provided many different ways for you to grow.

The sketches you’ll see on the DVD are dramatic vignettes written and directed by Nicole Johnson. Each drama was performed and recorded live at the Revolve Tour and put together for this study as a creative way to look at the issues we face.

This guide will be your companion as you watch the dramas. The first study is designed for group interaction. Of course, you can always watch the DVD on your own and work your way through the study if you’d like. But we find gathering a group of friends to watch the drama, then discussing it together over popcorn and caffeine makes the learning fun. More people equal more discussion, more insight.

After the initial watch and discuss, we offer four more studies for you to explore each theme on your own. Like taking a walk in your own woods, you can go as deep as you dare and stay as long as you wish, hopefully emerging at some point with a clearer understanding of how you can live differently in this changing world.

These personal studies will not be your typical Bible study where you take a crusty ballpoint and fill in long blanks with short answers. We’ll ask you probing questions that definitely don’t have a set answer. You’ll tap into your creativity. We’ll push you (gently!) toward thinking about the world outside your front door. We’ll start you with a truth, but you’ll end with a dare. Then we’ll resource you with cool sites, books, and songs that can help you further your journey.

It’s our hope that by watching this DVD, digesting it with friends, and doing some thinking and wrestling on your own, you’ll finish the study a little different from how you were when you started. More confident of who you are. More able to open your heart to who God is and willing to be surprised by His extravagant, countercultural love. Released to be who He created you to be. And full of gratitude for all He has done (and will continue do) inside you and through you.

The world needs your heart. Your real heart. Not some phony replica of what you think your heart should look like—a real, unique heart. Our desire is to see that heart challenged, shaped, and doing revolutions around Jesus, as He revolves around this world.

- Nicole and Mary

P.S. For more information about the Revolve Tour or just to see what this dynamic conference is all about, check out www.revolvetour.com.


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Friends make a life. Sometimes they break it. You don’t have to be convinced of either truth.

Because life—a real, full enjoyable life—is really all about the relationships you have. It’s about hanging out, being comfortable, kicking your feet up, and asking great questions. It’s about being yourself, 100 percent, with the people you love and the ones you know love you.

But when conflict enters the picture, our tendency is to pull back, retreat. Some of us try to avoid confrontation at any cost. Others seem to thrive on conflict, not minding at all to tell others what they think. Either way of dealing with conflict can bring isolation and create insecurity. And yet, we’ll grow more in our relationship with Jesus when we dare to interact with our friends openly and honestly. Proverbs 27:5–6 says, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”

Wounds will come. But if a friend truly loves you and wants what’s best for you, you’ll grow from his/her words. And true friends will say what’s on their hearts for your sake.

This set of dramas deal with all sorts of friendship issues. Like what happens to your friendships when a boy or girl comes into the picture? Or how do you deal with deep misunderstandings? Or how do you come across to your friends or the world? How can anyone deal with the craziness of a rumor? And what happens when you mix faith into the whole scheme of friendship?

In other words, what does it mean to be a good friend and a faithful follower of Jesus in the world today? How can we thrive when so much chaos and stress seem to reign in our relationships?

Take a look at what Jesus said was the greatest commandment, and then at what He said was the second.

Jesus answered, “The most important command is this: ‘Listen, people of Israel! The Lord our God is the only Lord. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second command is this: ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’ There are no commands more important than these” (Mark 12:29–31, ncv).

When we first understand what it means to love God with our whole, real hearts, it will change every relationship we have—with others, with ourselves, and even with our enemies. As we

Introduction:


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receive the truth that God loves us, and we respond to God by returning that love, the amount of love in our lives increases exponentially. You don’t have to be a math whiz to get the idea that love squared is definitely love to the highest power. So the more we truly receive of God’s love, the more we have that can be shared and showered on those around us. The Bible refers to them as our “neighbors.” And this means our friends too.

Even when they’re frustrating. Or when they misunderstand us. Or when they wander away. Or worse, when they reject us.

Having good friends makes life worth living and savoring. A good friend is to be prized and valued and cherished. Let’s take a closer look at how we can do this.

Having good friends makes life worth living and savoring. A good friend is to be prized and valued and cherished.


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Who R U?Brief outtake: Molly and Kristie have been friends forever. But one day Kristie finds out Molly is mad at her for telling someone else that Molly cheated on a test, something Kristie did not do. Kristie’s dad tries to help, but Kristie only gets to the bottom of things when she talks to Molly’s new boyfriend, Michael, who admits he told his friend about Molly’s cheating. But Molly and Kristie’s friendship has already been changed.

Go around your circle and share the answer to these questions (and remember to tell the truth!):

Q: What happened the last time you had a misunderstanding with a friend? How did you sort out the mess?

Q: How does it make you feel when a friend makes a decision you disagree with? Do you talk to him/her about it? Why or why not?

Q: What does it mean to trust a friend? What would a friend have to do to break your trust?

Truth.

Group Study:

Watch DVD episode 1.


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Read Brad’s story:Jeff and I hung out all the time through elementary school. We mainly played video games; sometimes we rode our bikes through the neighborhood. When junior high hit, we both went out for the basketball team. Jeff made it. I didn’t. But it was okay. We still hung out.

But when high school hit, Jeff started hanging with a different crowd. Bat-caver types. Lots of goth stuff. I didn’t really care who he hung out with. I just missed spending time with him.

He started smoking pot. Asked me why I hadn’t tried it. I just shook my head and walked away, wondering what in the world had gotten into him. His grades, always good, were tanking. Weird thing was, his friends weren’t pressuring him at all. In fact, one of them, Grant, came to me concerned about Jeff. Neither of us really wanted to, but we tried to talk to him.

That really ticked him off. Told us to stop messing in his life. That he knew what he was doing. That he didn’t need so-called friends like us.

I still can’t believe how close we were just a year ago. Now we’re walking in completely different directions. I see him in the hallway and I nod, but he doesn’t even look at me. I know I should let it go. After all, he doesn’t want anything to do with me, or even Grant for that matter. But still, it just doesn’t seem right, us not being friends.

Voices.

Q: Have you lost a childhood friend because he/she went in a different direction? What happened?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


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What does the Bible say about friendships?

You may be familiar with the story of Naomi and Ruth. Naomi urged her daughters-in-law to return to their homeland to find husbands after their husbands (including Naomi’s) had died. Orpah reluctantly turned back, returning home. But Ruth clung to Naomi.

Word.

read:“Don’t beg me to leave you or to stop following you. Where you go, I will go. Where you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. And where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. I ask the Lord to punish me terribly if I do not keep this promise: Not even death will separate us.”

(Ruth 1:16–17, ncv)

Q: Why do you think ruth stayed with Naomi?

Although they were related (Ruth married Naomi’s son), they were not blood relatives. So the fact that Ruth chose to stay with Naomi shows us they had a unique relationship. They no longer had to stay together, so we can assume they were close friends.

Q: How rare is it for friends to be that faithful, to live and die alongside each other? Why do you think it’s rare?

Let’s look at another dedicated friendship.

David was not yet king of Israel. Saul was the king, and he was jealous and wanted to kill David. Jonathan was Saul’s son, and David’s close friend. The following scene took place right after David got wind of Saul’s plan to kill him.

How rare is it for friends to be that faithful, to live and die alongside each other?


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Then David fled from Naioth at Ramah and went to Jonathan and asked, “What have I done? What is my crime? How have I wronged your father, that he is trying to take my life?”

“Never!” Jonathan replied. “You are not going to die! Look, my father doesn’t do anything, great or small, without confiding in me. Why would he hide this from me? It’s not so!”

But David took an oath and said, “Your father knows very well that I have found favor in your eyes, and he has said to himself, ‘Jonathan must not know this or he will be grieved.’ Yet as surely as the Lord lives and as you live, there is only a step between me and death.”Jonathan said to David, “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do for you.”

(1 Samuel 20:1–4)

Jonathan would later discover his father’s plan to kill David and warn him in a field. He saved David’s life.

Q: When was the last time you tried to protect a friend from harm? What happened? Did your friend appreciate what you did?

Q: Sometimes good friendships require sacrifice. Who of your current friends has demonstrated their willingness to sacrifice for you? What happened?

read:

The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people.

read:If anyone boasts, “I love God,” and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar. If he won’t love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can’t see? The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You’ve got to love both.

(1 John 4:20–21, msg)

A brother or a sister is simply another friend who loves Jesus.

Q: Why do you think John was so harsh about this point?


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Q: What does it mean that we love God when we love people? How is loving people similar to loving God? Why would John say you can’t love God if you don’t love people?

Q: What does it mean to love a friend who is walking away from God? What does that look like?

Talk.

Sit in a circle. Have someone be “it.” That person must whisper a very long, complicated story about a made-up friend in the next person’s ear. Then that person whispers what he/she heard to the next person, and so on until the story has made it all the way around. The last person shares the story. Find out where each wrong element was introduced.

Q: How much did the story change with each person? How is this similar to the nature of gossip?

Q: When was the last time you heard gossip about you? Was it true?

Q: When was the last time you were tempted to gossip? What did you do?

In the drama, Kristie said this about Molly, her very good friend: “We’ve been friends since the third grade! She thinks I said something to someone that said something to someone else that got her in trouble. But I didn’t!”

Q: How can you clear up such a misunderstanding? What would you have done?

Q: Why is it hard when friendships change or seem to change?

Q: What is the most frustrating part about being misunderstood, especially from a close friend?

Later, Molly said this about Kristie to her boyfriend, Michael: “Remember when I snuck out to go to that party a few weeks ago? She was like, ‘I don’t think you should do that.’”

Activity: Cell phone.


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Q: When have you said something to a friend like kristie did (“i don’t think you should do that”)? How did that turn out?

Look at things from Molly’s point of view.

Q: How would you feel if someone came to you and told you your plans weren’t the right thing to do?

Later, Kristie, Michael, and Molly were all together. Molly said to Michael, “C’mon, Michael. Let’s go. I hope you didn’t say anything to Kristie you don’t want the world to know.”

Q: What’s interesting about who Molly said this to?

Q: Molly’s words were pretty catty. Why do you think friends talk this way to each other?

Q: What is the solution to talking trash about friends? What should Molly have said instead?

Q: is there a difference between venting about a friend and gossiping about him/her? if so, what’s the line?

Is there a difference between venting about a friend and gossiping about him/her? If so, what’s the line?

Activity: Act it out.The drama didn’t end with everything tied up neatly between Kristie and Molly. In fact, we don’t know at all what will happen in their friendship going forward. In pairs, decide what you think would happen, then act out that ending before the group. Later, you’ll be asked to write your own conclusion to the story.


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Pray.

Friendship timeline.Give everyone a piece of paper. With the paper turned horizontally, have them draw a line from left to right all the way across the middle of the page. Divide the line into years, starting at age five. (If you’re fifteen, you’ll have eleven marks.) On each year, or around each season of your elementary, junior high, and high school career, write down the names of your closest friends.

Choose one of those friends, then share with the group how that friendship has changed over the years, and one thing you wish for that friend. When everyone is finished sharing, pray as a group for all the friends mentioned in the timeline.


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Create.On your own study #1.

Activity: Your turn to write a screenplay!The conflict between Kristie and Molly ended this way:

MoLLY: I’m so sorry, Kristie. I didn’t understand.

kriStie: What’s happening to you?

MoLLY: I just feel like we’re really different now.

kriStie: I’m not different. I still care about you like I always have.

MoLLY: Okay, so I’m different. I want to have fun. I don’t want to spend my time studying. And if I want to stay out all night, I’m going to. I know I’m messing up, but I don’t care anymore.

kriStie: Well, I care. And I want our friendship back.

MoLLY: (silence)

kriStie: Oh, I get it. (long pause) Well, I guess I’ll see you around then.

MoLLY: Yeah, see ya.

(Song plays)

MoLLY: (running off) Kristie, wait!

Based on what you discussed in your group study (or you can come up with something entirely different), write what happens next, using the same format with the character’s name, then stage directions or dialog.


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Deep.On your own study #2.

ThE STRESS OF BEST FRIENDS.Some of us have best friends, BFFs, besties. Others don’t. But sometimes putting that label on someone makes the friendship harder because of expectations. We want that person to be everything to us, never failing us, always supporting us, going everywhere with us, listening to everything we say. That’s a lot of pressure on one person.

Read haley’s story:I was so mad when Jericha didn’t remember my birthday. No card. No call. Nothing. She was my best friend! The whole day had been ruined. I had to spend time with my family, and I wasn’t having a party, but she knew my birthday was Friday. I waited for something, even a Facebook greeting. After all, my birthday’s up there for everyone and their dog to see. I got some other messages, but nothing from her.

The rest of the weekend passed, but it was Sunday night and I was still furious. Finally, I wrote her a really long message, then hit Send. I didn’t feel bad about it. She forgot me!

Jericha called right away. I almost didn’t pick it up, but part of me wanted to hear her explanation. I looked forward to hearing her apologize.

Only she didn’t.

You want to know what she said?

“I don’t want to be your best friend anymore,” she said. “It’s tiring.”

I couldn’t speak. I would’ve hung up, but I couldn’t move either.

We want that person to be everything to us, never failing us, always supporting us, going everywhere with us, listening to everything we say. That’s a lot of pressure on one person.


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“You always set me up,” she said. “It’s like you count on me for everything. I can’t breathe. I knew it was your birthday. I just didn’t want to talk to you.” Dial tone.

I threw a fit around my room, hurled my laundry everywhere. Cried and cried some more. But when every last sock from my sock drawer littered the floor, her words just came back to me. “You always set me up. I can’t breathe. You count on me for everything.”

She was right.

But what was I supposed to do now?

Q: What would you tell Haley to do next?

Q: Have you ever been in Haley’s shoes? Have you ever felt like Jericha? What happened?


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Then I realized that my heart was bitter,and I was all torn up inside.

I was so foolish and ignorant—I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.

Yet I still belong to you;you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,leading me to a glorious destiny.

Whom have I in heaven but you?I desire you more than anything on earth.

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,but God remains the strength of my heart;he is mine forever.

Those who desert him will perish,for you destroy those who abandon you.

But as for me, how good it is to be near God!I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter,and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.

(Psalm 73:21–28, nlt)

Let’s unpack these verses.

Q: When has your heart been bitter against a friend?

Q: What did the psalmist compare himself to?

Q: How does belonging to God help you deal with painful relationships?

Q: ultimately, whom do you have standing with you all the time? How does knowing God will always be there, a true Bff, help you deal with disappointments with your friends?

Q: Have you ever put too much pressure on a friend? What did you do?

Q: What do you desire right now more than you desire God? Why do you think you want these things/relationships?

read:

Then I realized that my heart was bitter,and I was all torn up inside.


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Q: What does it mean that God will be the strength of your heart? What does that look like in the hallways of your school?

Knowing God is always near helps us deal with stress and pain in our friendships.

Q: How can you “know” God is near?

Q: and what does it mean that God is your shelter?

Write down the name of a friend you’re having a hard time with. Tape his/her name to your bathroom mirror as a reminder to do two things:

Knowing God is always near helps us deal with stress and pain in our friendships.

1. Pray for your friend. 2. Remind yourself that no matter what happens, Jesus can be your closest friend,

and you will not be alone.


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Sticks and StonesBY toDD M. CLeMeNtS, M.D.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I’m sure you’ve heard that saying before, and you might have even said it once or twice, but, unfortunately, it’s not true. Words have enormous power over us. The words of others—particularly our parents, brothers, sisters, and friends—can hurt us, sometimes worse than a stick or a stone ever could.

People living in negative environments—places where they receive a lot of discouraging and abusive words from others—have higher rates of depression. They also report a poorer self-image. Many people with chronic depression grew up in homes where all they ever heard were put-downs, criticisms, and complaints. Research studies consistently show that people who live in positive environments—places where encouraging and affirming words are frequently heard—possess a better self-image and tend to be more successful in life.1 So while words can hurt, they can also help and heal.

Despite what has been said to us in the past, we have a choice in what we say and how we say it to those around us, knowing that our words will have a positive or negative effect on others. I challenge you to put these thoughts to the test and compliment at least three people today. Pay attention to how they respond to your positive words. You’ll be surprised by how much this little bit of time and effort will pay off. You will make someone else’s day—and you’ll feel better too.

Dr. todd Clements is a board-certified psychiatrist and is the medical director of the Clements Clinic in Plano, Texas.

1 James N. Butcher, Susan Mineka, and Jill M. Hooley, Abnormal Psychology, 14th ed. (Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 2010), 238–239.


LTilghman

Cross-Out

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The pain and process of confrontation.

Wide.On your own study #3.

read:“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that “every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” If

he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

(Matthew 18:15–17)

What do we do when someone who calls herself a Christian blatantly sins against us? Ignore it? Turn the other cheek? Pretend it didn’t happen? Jesus asks us to go directly to that person, to talk with her about it. The progression of this confrontation starts small (between you and the person) and hopefully ends there. Sometimes, it finishes with a wider group (you, them, the church). But too often we reverse the process. We share wide first (with everyone), then eventually our words reach our friend, or former friend.

Q: Why do you think Jesus asks us to first go to a friend who has hurt us?

Q: How do people avoid confrontation these days? (think about social media, texting, etc.)

Q: Why do we find it easier to talk to everyone else about our conflicts with a person than it is to talk directly to that person?

Why do we find it easier to talk to everyone else about our conflicts with a person than it is to talk directly to that person?


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Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.

(Galatians 6:1)

When dealing with friends going down their own destructive paths, this verse in Galatians says we should try to restore him/her, but gently.

Q: What do you think the apostle Paul meant here by “restore him gently”?

Q: Have you ever been confronted in a harsh manner? What happened?

The apostle Paul also warned about the very real power of peer pressure.

Q: in intervening for a friend, what do you need to do to be careful so you won’t be tempted?

read:

read:Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

(Romans 12:14–19)

These verses are a great blueprint for your friendships. Let’s take a closer look.

Q: What does this passage in romans say you should do if someone curses you or insults you? Why would that be hard? What is your natural response to someone who treats you like that?

Q: Why do you think the apostle Paul asked friends to rejoice when their friends rejoice? mourn with those who mourn?


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Q: Have you ever been sad, but a friend tried to make light of your hurt? What happened? How did her cheerfulness make you feel?

Q: Have you ever received some really good news, but your friend didn’t seem very happy about it? How did that make you feel?

Q: What does it mean to live in harmony with someone? (Hint: harmony means agreement.)

Q: Have you ever had a friend who was too proud to be seen with a “lesser” crowd? Why do you think he/she felt that way? Have you ever been tempted to ignore a person because he/she seemed insignificant or easily overlooked?

Q: Why do you think Paul warned us about being conceited? (Hint: conceited means having a too high or inflated opinion of yourself.) How is being conceited the opposite of how Jesus lived?

Q: What does it look like to repay evil for evil? (Some girls cheat on boyfriends to get back at their cheating boyfriends. others hear gossip about themselves, then gossip about the person spreading gossip.) What examples can you think of?

Q: the apostle Paul wrote, “Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.” What do you think he means here? Does this mean everybody has to think we’re always right?

The pivotal verse in this section is this: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” What is freeing about this verse is the word if. You may do everything you can to restore a friendship, but it takes both of you to be back in relationship. All you have to do is do everything you can. You can’t control the other person or his/her reaction. But you can control what you do.

Q: How does knowing you can only do your side of things help you as you think about a difficult relationship you currently have?

This section ends with these words: “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”

Have you ever had a friend who was too proud to be seen with a “lesser” crowd?


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Q: Whose job is it in the universe to right the wrongs? Why don’t we trust that?

Q: How does knowing that God sees everything about a conflict help you to let go of having to take revenge? Does it help? in your opinion, what kind of job does God do in avenging wrong? How do you know this?

It’s not easy to confront a friend who has messed with your trust. It doesn’t feel good. But if you really love your friend and want what’s best for your relationship, it’s time to grow up a little and talk to him/her face-to-face. Do so kindly, with a humble, teachable heart. Ask great questions. Seek to understand his/her thoughts and feelings without judging.

Sometimes a friend will not see this confrontation as loving. He may lash out at you or drag your name through the mud in front of others. And he may not ever thank you for trying to restore your friendship. But someday, by God’s grace, he may realize that you told the truth in love, whether he could see it or not.

If you really love your friend and want what’s best for your relationship, it’s time to grow up a little and talk to him/her face-to-face.


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Forgiveness.The most important friendship lesson we can learn is forgiveness. If someone has hurt us (much like Kristie and Molly experienced from both sides), it’s our job to forgive. Because God’s amazing forgiveness comes to us, it enables us to forgive friends who have wounded us.

Think of it this way. Our sin against God, piled way up, is as tall as the tallest building in the world. So tall the skyscraper’s top is in the clouds. Now think of the sin your friend committed against you. It has to be short—maybe eight inches? a foot? In comparison to the colossal amount of sin you’ve been forgiven, your friend’s sin against you is small.

Dare.On your own study #4.

read:

“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

“The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’

“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

The most important friendship lesson we can learn is forgiveness.


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“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”

(Matthew 18:23–35)

Unforgiveness is like being pardoned for a million-dollar debt, then strangling your friend who owes you three bucks.

Q: What holds you back from forgiving a friend who has wronged you?

Q: How does knowing God’s extravagant forgiveness of you help you forgive right now? Who comes to mind?

Forgiveness is also the ticket to living at peace with friends. As much as we can, we must forgive. And yet, some friendships do end. When trust is intentionally broken, or someone no longer desires to be in relationship with us, there isn’t a lot we can do about it. And yet . . .

God uses “difficult” friends as mirrors to our own character and close friends to say the hard things we need to hear. The book of Proverbs highlights this: “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (27:5–6).

And our own decision to forgive reflects and reveals our relationship with Jesus. And offering forgiveness is an important part of our prayers.

“But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”

(Mark 11:25, nlt)

Q: What happens to our hearts if we stay bitter? How does that mess with your relationship with Jesus?

Unforgiveness is like being pardoned for a million-dollar debt, then strangling your friend who owes you three bucks.


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Think of that friend who has wronged you. Write a no-holds-barred letter. Say it all. Spill your feelings out on the page.

Then don’t send it.

Really.

Fold it up or put it in an envelope and hold it as you pray for God to help you forgive your friend. You might have an opportunity to offer forgiveness in person (if the friend knows what he did was wrong) or you might simply keep praying over the letter, releasing the wrongs, until the bitterness and anger are gone. Then tear up the letter and throw it in the recycle bin, trusting that God will use this in your life to make something beautiful.

if you dare:


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Resources & iTunes List.

Resources.• The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your

Relationships, by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas• When You’ve Been Wronged: Moving from Bitterness to Forgiveness,

by Erwin W. Lutzer• http://revolvetour.com/category/friends/Revolve’s friendship blog.• Chat Room Chatter: The Buzz on Prom Dates, Superheroes and the Universe

at Large! by Justin Lookadoo

Listen.

• “LeanonMe(GleeCastVersion)”bytheGleeCast,Glee: The Music, Volume 2• “I’llBeThereforYou(ThemefromFriends)” by The Rembrandts, Greatest Hits• “PutYourRecordsOn”byCorinneBaileyRae,Corinne Bailey Rae• “WithaLittleHelpfromMyFriends”byTheBeatles,Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club

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