It Could Only Happen To A Fisherman

Funny Fishing Jokes, Quotes and DittiesTo Make Your Day

By Robin Lambert

A bad days fishing is still better than a good day at work.

Foreword

The Author Robin at the Rutland Water WaterAid Fly Fishing Competition

I was born in 1953 in Edinburgh and took up fly fishing when I was 14 years of age.

Apart from the time in the Merchant Navy and HM Forces, I have fished the rivers, streams, lochs and fisheries of Scotland whenever work or family life permits me the luxury of a day on the water.

Currently I work for Scottish Water in Edinburgh and am the Captain of the Scottish Water charity fly fishing team “The WaterAid Flyfishers”. The team organise, runs, promotes and competes in the annual

I have two other books published called “Cast the First Fly – Flyfishing for Beginners”. The book is full of great information on all aspects of fly fishing for the beginner, laid out in laymen’s terms so that it is easily understood.

My second book is called Flyfishing Directory of Britain & Ireland, giving full address contact details of all fly fisheries, rivers and lakes/lochs throughout the whole of Britain and Ireland.

Enjoy thy stream, O harmless fish;And when an angler for his dish,

Through gluttony's vile sin,Attempts, the wretch, to pull thee out,God give thee strength, O gentle trout,

To pull the rascal in!~John Wolcot

FISHING JOKES

Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled; the better is the fishing around you. Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.

I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,” Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

Paris Hilton : When I was younger, my family would go camping and fishing on our ranches. My dad loves being around all kinds of animals. He's the one who got me to be a really big animal lover.

Steven Wright : There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific.Great!Thanks.Okay.Bye bye."She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?""Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

What do dirty fish read? Prawno Magazines!

Jimmy D. Moore : My wife said I have so many fly rods and reels that I cannot possibly use them all. My reply was that I had rods and reels to fish, rods and reels to tinker with and then my fine-crafted rods and reels to "fondle and admire," while dreaming of trout fishing during the cold winter months. You can imagine what kind of look she gave me.

Henry's son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. "Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off." "But that's just what I did, mommy."

Steven Wright: Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Oliver Herford: There are more fish taken out of a stream than ever were in it.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time.

At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait. The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait. After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water. After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom. The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, "Should we have told him where the rocks were?

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, there’s no fish down there."

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?" "No, you idiot," the voice said, "It’s the rink manager."

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat.

Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied, "Of course not; you don't ask questions, you never learn nothing'." Man: Can I have a fly rod and reel for my son?Fishing Shop Owner: Sorry sir we don't do trades.

This guy called John goes fishing off a pier. He finally catches a fish, and is about to put him in the cooler when he hears the fish cry out "Oh No! Please don't kill me. I'm the only talking fish in the world!"

"Oh yeah?" says John "What's your name?" "I'm Rusty, the only talking salmon in the world! Please let me loose!"

John thinks about it for a moment and then decides to threw Rusty back.

Five years later John goes fishing at the same place where he caught Rusty and after a few hours he catches this huge salmon about 4 feet long. "Rusty?" says John. "John is that you?" asks Rusty. "Yeah, hi Rusty!" replies John.

"So, watcha been doing?" questions Rusty. "Well, I've been working and keeping busy. What've you been doing, Rusty?" "Well John, while I was swimming, I found the Titanic, and it was so beautiful that I wrote a book of poems about it "Oh yeah? What's it called?" queries John.

Rusty then says: "It's THE TITANIC VERSES, by SALMON RUSTY!"

Norman MacCaig: When I go fishing I like to know that there's nobody within five miles of me.

The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?" "

Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts.

"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger. "Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden."

"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?" "Nope". "Meet the biggest liar in the state."

The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some "gymnastics". Afterwards, they both fall asleep.

When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening. He jumps up and is panicked because he has to go home to face his wife.

He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in the grass. He finishes dressing and goes home.

When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening?

The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon.

His wife examined him very carefully and when she glimpsed his shoes, she exclaims: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"

Clark Gable: Hell, if I'd jumped on all the dames I'm supposed to have jumped on, I'd have had no time to go fishing.

One man's hobby was fishing; he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What a terrible weather today, honey." he said to her. "Yes. And my idiot went fishing!"

Jimmy Cannon: Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.

A fisherman was surf fishing along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii and fish along the beautiful beaches of Hawaii.

I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean.

Imagine the entire pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

Don Marquis: Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighbouring farm was giving birth.

He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz...

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake,

A carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

World Record

There was a priest that loved to stream fish.

One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go.

Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was great. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon.

The flyfishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "Your not going to let him get away with this are you?” God agreed he should do something.

The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down.

For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout.

Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?” God replied "Think about it, who he is going to tell?"

Ice Fishing

Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.

Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?" Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm." Jethro asks, "What did you say?" Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm." Jethro again asks, "What?" Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.

A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Perry Como : We also own a little boat and I'm like a kid with it. I take off early in the morning, fishing rod in tow, and just drift about the ocean all day.

The game warden couldn't figure out why Jack (a man of many fish but few words) always came home with a creel full of fish.

The warden suspected foul play so he invited himself on a fishing trip with Jack. They boarded a small rowboat and worked their way out to the centre of the lake in question.

Jack reaches into his knapsack, pulls out a stick of dynamite and lights the fuse. "Now wait a minute here Jack," the game warden says, "this type of business is strictly illegal!"

Jack hands him the dynamite and says, "You gonna fish or you gonna talk."

Bob and Jimbo were out on the lake one morning. They were having a great day, pulling in fish after fish, until the boat was full.

When it was time to leave, Jimbo says, "Boy, the fishing here was great! Hope we can remember how to get back to this spot next time".

"Well", says Bob, "let me fix that!". He pulls out a piece of chalk, and puts a big "X" on the side of the boat. "Now, we'll know where this place is next time". After rowing halfway back to shore, Jimbo suddenly says, "Wait a minute, Bob! What if we don't get the same boat???!!!".

One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by. Joe then said "Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!" Bob then replies " It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years."

There was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.

When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around. He went over to the fisherman and said, "You know, it's illegal to kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you."

The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down. "Out of curiosity" the coastguard asked, "What did it taste like?" The fisherman replied, " Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle."

Rex Hunt: And one thing I can be proud of is we have a 'Come and Try Fishing' day every year. And there's 20 venues throughout the state, and see, these thousands of kids who've never been fishing come along.

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.” The FISH” "What fish?" the man asked.A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man." As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"George went fishing, but at the end of the day he had not caught one fish. On the way back to camp, he stopped at a fish store. 'I want to buy three trout,' he said to the owner. 'But instead of putting them in a bag, throw them to me.' 'Why should I do that?' the owner asked. 'So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!'

Why are fish so smart?…They are always in schools

Which fish go to heaven when they die?…Angelfish

A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier. The young man started telling the old one that the night before he caught a trout that was over 3 1/2 foot long.

The old man replied "Oh yea, well I was here 2 nights ago and I hooked something huge. After a 30 minute fight I finally got it up and it was an old lantern and the thing was still lit."

The young man said "Your lying. I can't believe that."

Then the old man said "I'll tell you what, you knock a couple of foot off your trout and I'll blow out my lantern."

What lives under the sea and carries a lot of people? An Octobus

A local fisherman returning from a fishing trip with 6 large size salmon in his creel.

Nosy Parker comes along and asks if the man been fishing. "Yer!" replied our stalwart.

Asked what bait he had been using our hero replied that he had used chewing tobacco.

Nosey asked how one used chewing tobacco as bait, and our man replied, "I put the tobacco on the hook in the normal way, cast in the normal way and when the fish strikes I haul back on the line to hook it. When the fish comes up to spit, I hit it on the head with but of my rod!"

Needless to say there were no more questions.A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?" An old lady saw a little boy with a fishing-rod over his shoulder and a jar of tadpoles in his hand walking through the park one Sunday. "Little boy," she called, "don't you know you shouldn't go fishing on a Sunday?" "I'm not going fishing, ma'am," he called back, "I'm going home."

Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you. Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.

This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.

An Inspector steps out of the bushes, "Ahha!" he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled "Shiiiit!". The Inspector, who wasn't expecting such a response said "Settle down, I'm the Fishing Inspector". "Thank God for that" said the fisherman, "I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap".

The little kid sat on the side of the road with a fishing line down the drain. Feeling sorry for him, and wanting to humor him, a lady gave him 50 cents, and kindly asked "How many have you caught?" "You're the tenth this morning," was the reply.

"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend. "Why shouldn't I?" said Jane. "Well, maybe he is having an affair?" "No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."

Q: How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four, one to change the light bulb and three to brag about how big the old one was and about the one that they would have changed, but "It got away"

A man was fishing in the jungle. After a while another angler came to join him. "Have you had any bites?" asked the second man. "Yes, lots," replied the first one, "but they were all mosquitoes."

Two fishermen were talking about the good old days....

One says, "When I was a kid there were so many fish here I could always catch a few."

The other says, "When I was a kid here we used a horse and cart and got enough fish to sell at the market."

"How did you do that then?"

"Well, we had this good old horse and we used to back the cart down into the water and put treacle on his tail. The flies got stuck in the treacle and when the fish jumped out of the water for the flies that good old horse just kicked them into the cart. We had a load of fish in no time!"

Tom Brokaw: If fishing is a religion, fly fishing is high church.

A taxidermist was driving through Arkanas when he though he would stop at a local bar and have a beer. The locals didn't like outsiders in their bar and when he entered he was greeted with dirty stares and low mumbles.

He went to the bartender and ask for a beer. The bartender looked the man over and than went to get his beer. When the bartender returned with his beer he asked the man "what do you do?"

The man replied "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender replied "Taxidermist? what is that." The man replied "Well, I mount animals, birds and fish."

With that said the bartender turned to the other men in the bar and said "It's ok boys he's one of us".

Heard the one about the three blondes that went ice fishing and didn't catch anything? By the time they cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was time to go home.

"I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Nigel. I hear you were out playing football instead." "That's not true, vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!"

The Deserted Fisherman.

There was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.

When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around. He went over to the fisherman and said, "You know, it's illegal to kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you."

The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.

"Out of curiosity" the coastguard asked, "What did it taste like?"

The fisherman replied, " Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle."I caught a twenty pound salmon last week." "Were there any witnesses?" "There sure were. If there hadn't been, it would have been forty pounds."

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes."

"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.

"I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."

Retired colonel, talking of the good old days: Have you ever hunted bear? His grandson's teacher: No, but I've been fishing in shorts. How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate before his wife throws him out? I don't know the answer but I think I'm nearly there.

Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing they don't catch a thing. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men finally catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

"Wow!" says the other guy "It's a good job we didn't catch any more!"

What's the biggest fish you ever caught?" "That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...." "That's not so big!" "Between the eyes?"

Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, "I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!"

"That bad, huh" "She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!"

How many South Dakotans does it take to go ice fishing? Four. One to cut the hole in the ice, and three to push the boat through.

Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea? Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave the key outside !

One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery

A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips.

He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."

What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student? One baits his hook, the other hates his book.

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious?

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde,” we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

The Three Fishermen and the Mermaid

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting Shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisherman said "yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman...

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!

What do you call a fish with no eye?

FSH!!!!

Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms. Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask “how did you catch those?"

Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing! So the fishless pair looks at each other and agrees to give it a try.

They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now Paddy". Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries... "Pull me up, pull me up!!"

Paddy asks “do you have a fish Sean?"... No replies Sean, "there's a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!"

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime and we leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in and hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.

His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?."

He says "Oh yes it was great. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

Why do they call him 'Fish' ?

Because he cannot keep his mouth shut.

Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.

The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.

After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.

After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.

The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, "Should we have told him where the rocks were? "

Why fishing is better than making love

* When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good- If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.- And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

* In fishing you lie about the one that got away.- In loving you lie about the one you caught.

* You can catch and release a fish. You don't have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

* You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.

* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.- If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?

Finland.

Tim once took his small cousin with him while he went fishing: When he returned, he was looking very fed up. "I'll never do that again," he complained to his Dad. "Did she frighten off the fish?" enquired Dad. "No," replied Tim. "She sat on the bank and ate all my maggots."

A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell and hot on his heels came the game warden.

After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped. With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes sir," replied the young feller. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."

Mario Lopez : Like they say, you can learn more from a guide in one day than you can in three months fishing alone.

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.

Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years.""But what then?" asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions?...Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women:

Boats only need their fluids changed every year.

Boats curves never sag.

Boats last longer.

Boats don't get pregnant.

You can ride a Boat any time of the month.

Boats don't have parents.

Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Boat with your friends.

If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.

If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.

Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.

When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.

Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.

Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.

If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

You can have a beer while riding your Boat.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.

You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.

You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you

think that all Boats are equals.

If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.

You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.

Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.

Boats always feel like going for a ride.

Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.

Boats don't care if you are late.

You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.

It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.

If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well.

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus ?

I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf.

He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday.

He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your day s sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook.

They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super. At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and travelled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook.

One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!". The other replied, "No, it's not!". The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side. To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by its clover."

Q: What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything. A: Three Men And A Baby

What did Noah do while spending time on the ark? Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms!

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons.

They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children.

Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland.

It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction.

"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong.

The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness!

What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by. "What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon. "Fishin'," said MacAndrews.

"Caught anything?" "Ach, nae a bite," "What are ye usin' fer bait?" "Worms" "Let me see it," said O'Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it.

He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out. "Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon. "No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"

I was given the ultimatum 3 weeks ago. She said "it's me or your fishing."

Gee I miss her.

What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand ?

Birdsthigh fish fingers !

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. The first one says to the other "can

you smell fish?".

Why are fish cleverer than humans? Ever seen a fish spend a fortune

trying to hook a human?

What fish sounds like a telephone? Herring, herring...herring, herring...herring, herring.

Why men like to fishing so much? They finally found something as smart as them to talk to

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse ? The Codfather !

I was glad when one fish got away. There just wasn't room in the boat for

both of us!

Fisherman: What are you fishing for sonny? Boy: I'm not fishing, I'm

drowning worms.

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings ? A

fish tank!

What do you call a deaf fishing boat captain? Anything you like, he can't hear you.

Lee: I just swallowed a fish bone! Counsellor: Are you choking? Lee: No,

I'm serious!

The fishing was good; it was the catching that was bad. ~A.K. Best

Interesting bait

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another.

He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked. The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well." David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?" "Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?""No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.

Q. What is the difference between a fish and a piano? A. You can't tuna

fish.

Where do you find a crab with no legs? Exactly where you left it.

Where do you go to meet the best fish? It doesn't matter - any old plaice

will do.

Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear ? Because they have

electric ‘eels!

What is yellow and dangerous? Pike infested custard.

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.

What do you get if you cross a whale with a computer? A four ton know it all.

Mother to daughter advice:Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

If you're fishing on ice, you should never tell a joke on ice. WHY??? The ice will crack up!

New fly rod and reel

I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife......best trade I ever made.

Q: Why did the fly fisherman go to area 51?A: He needed some extra terrestrials

I’ve spent most of my life fishing, the rest I just wasted.

Why did the lobster blush? It saw the Queen Mary's bottom

Why did the fish blush? Because it saw the sea weed.

Why do they call him 'River'? Because the biggest part of him is his mouth.

What do you get is you cross a rose with a pike? I don't know but I wouldn't put my nose too close to smell it

Here is the “official” definition of “fly tier” from the Dictionary of Occupational Titles from the Department of Labour:

732.684-074 FLY TIER (toy-sport equip) alternate titles: artificial-fly tier; bait tier; fly winder.

Makes artificial fish flies and lures, using feathers, fur, thread, and fishhooks, according to prototype design: Clamps fishhook in vise and wraps thread around shank of hook. Pulls feathers or fur of specified colour or type from quill or pelt, positions on hook, and wraps in place with thread. Repeats operation to simulate wings, legs, and tail of insect.

Wraps thread or coloured wire around shank of hook in continuous spirals to form body of insect. Ties and cuts off thread. May brush dope on windings to waterproof and hold them in place.

Why did the salmon cross the road? Because it was tied to the chicken.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,” Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

Guy returned from fly-fishing one day and was approached by his wife: “Dear, the washing machine broke.” The flyfisher: “Honey, call the repair man and have it fixed!”

The next day upon returning home from another outing: “Dear, the TV is broke.” The flyfisher: “Honey, I’m not a repairman. I have to go fishing. Call the repairman and have them fixed!”

The third day: “Dear, the fridge doesn’t work anymore.” The flyfisher: “Honey, I told you I’m not a repairman but a flyfisher man. Call the repairman and have everything fixed!”

Finally, on the fourth day the flyfisher returns home to find his wife with a smile on her face. “Did the repairman come, honey?” “He sure did, dear. And he repaired everything just like you said.” “And how much did he charge, honey?” “Nothing, dear. When I asked him for the bill he told me that I either had to bake him a big chocolate cake or go to bed with him.” “Honey, what did you do?” “Dear, I’m not a baker!”

How do fish go into business?…They start on a small scale

Fishing or church

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

Husband went fishing

One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What terrible weather today honey," he said to her. "Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!" she replied.

These two guys are ice fishing and one says: “they aren’t biting”, the

other one notices a snowmobile and says: “Well, those guys that are

trolling don’t look like they’re catching’ much either.”

What part of a fish weighs the most?…It’s scales

John H. Reagan : You are not content with the vast millions of tribute we pay you annually under the operation of our revenue law, our navigation laws, your fishing bounties, and by making your people our manufacturers, our merchants, our shippers.

Good salesman

A young zealous boy wanted desperately to work at a department store.

He approached the store manager who responded they needed no help. Quite persistent, the boy returned again and again until the manager finally said "We're having a holiday sale tomorrow. Why don't you show up and you can give it a try."

The elated boy returned the following day and proceeded to sell.

At the end of the day the store manager called the youngster over and asked how he had done. The boy responded that he had sold $79,083.50 worth of merchandise.

The manager asked how he had done so well.

The young man said, "Well this guy was going fishing so I asked if he wanted some fish hooks, he said sure, That is $1.50. I asked if he had a nice fishing pole, he said no, so I got a graphite extension pole for $43.50.

Do you have a nice reel, not yet replied the customer... so I got him a nice quick release reel for $35.00. I asked here he was going fishing and he said Strawberry Reservoir.

I told him the best places to catch fish are near the centre, "Do you have a boat?" The man said he didn't so I set him up with a nice outboard 30 foot cruiser for $28,000.00. Then I asked if he had a trailer. He didn't, so I got him a double axle trailer for $3,000.00.

Then I asked what he had to tow the boat. He only had a station wagon, so I told him that just wouldn't do, but we could get him a nice fully loaded Dodge Ram dually, racked and packed with a tow package, trailer hitch and everything for $48,000.00. He wanted it all.

" As you can imagine the store manager was astounded. "And to think it all began with that man asking for a package of fish hooks?" The boy replied, "Oh no, it all began with him asking for some tampons which were $3.50, so I replied, "Well you aren't going to be doing much else this weekend, you might as well go fishing!"

“Just last Saturday I was motoring my boat into a small cave that looked like a most inviting spot. As I pulled in I noticed a rock protruding through the surface of the water. On the rock was a walnut. Nearby, on the shore, a squirrel had climbed out onto a branch of a large maple tree attempting to gain access to the rock and the walnut.

As the squirrel moved further out over the water, the branch began to bend, looking like it would afford the squirrel a perfect avenue to the rock. Surely enough, with a small hop the squirrel landed squarely on the small rock. Grasping his prize, he turned to make the return trip on the branch.

Having been relieved of the squirrel’s weight, the branch rebounded back to its original position several feet from the rock. The branch was easily out of the squirrel’s reach. After sizing up the situation a bit, the squirrel backed up a few steps and made an attempt to jump up to the branch. Stretching as for as possible, it was all the squirrel could do to barely contact the branch with one of his front feet. Needless to say, the squirrel was not able to hold onto the branch and fell into the water.

Just as the squirrel hit the water, the place erupted like a depth charge had gone off. In all the excitement and through all the water and spray, I could make out a combination of fur and fish. Then, with a flick of the tail, both were gone.

I immediately poured through my flies looking for something big enough to imitate that squirrel. Maybe this big brown streamer would work. Or how about that mouse imitation? I ended up throwing first the mouse then the big streamer all around that rock, under the tree branches and most every other place I could think of. I must have worked that spot for over an hour with not one stinking bite.

Realizing that I was skunked once again, I packed up my gear and began to slowly head the boat back to the dock. Hearing a splash behind me just as I was getting under way, I turned once again to look in the direction of the rock. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t see that fish putting the walnut back onto the rock.”

Noah started building several arks for various parts of animal kingdom.

One was a split level job for all the fish – a multi-storey carp ark

A fish swam into a wall and said, “Dam!”

What bit of fish doesn’t make sense?,. The piece of cod that passeth all

understanding

What kind of money do fishermen make?…Net profits

Two parrots sitting on a perch…the first one says to the other “can you

smell fish?”

What TV game show do fish like best?…Name that tuna

Where do fish wash?…In a river basin

What do you call a literary fish?…Salmon Rushdie

What fish do road-menders use?…Pneumatic krill

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?…Jack the kipper

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?…’Your plaice or mine’

Where does seaweed look for a job?…In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads

What’s the difference between a newspaper and a TV set?…You can’t

wrap your fish and chips in a TV set

What do naked

fish play with?…Bare-a-cudas

What did the fish

do when his piano sounded odd?…He called the piano tuna

What day of the

week do fish hate?…Frydays

What was the

name of Tom Sawyer’s fish?…Huckleberry Fin

Why are gold fish

orange?…The water makes them rusty

What will Santa

bring your fish this Christmas?…A scale letrix

What was the Tsar

of Russia’s favourite fish?…Tsardines

Sinker -- An

angler who steps off a dock with a ten-horse outboard motor in his arms

is referred to as a sinker.

Some athletic anglers claim they have actually swum fifty or sixty feet to shore while dragging a ten-horse motor, but it is generally believed that they simply walked along the bottom until they reached shallow water.

Since the other anglers present continued to concentrate on putting their tackle together, no eyewitness accounts exist as to what actually may have been the case.

Split-shot Sinker -- An angler who suddenly drops into the water while standing with one foot on the dock and the other in a drifting boat and holding a ten-horse motor in his arms is known as a split-shot sinker. First he splits, then he sinks like a shot. The split is usually accompanied by a hideous screech, so horrible in fact that other anglers present have been known to look up briefly from sorting their tackle boxes.

Have you ever caught any Christmas Crabs??

You know the ones with "SANDY CLAWS"

A fisherman,'twixt you and IWill very seldom tell a lie---Except when it is needed toDescribe the fish that left his view.

Here's to our fisherman bold,

Here's to the fish he CAUGHT,Here's to the one that got away,And here's to the one he BOUGHT.

Here's to the fish that I may catch,So large that even I,When talking of it afterward,Will never need to lie.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Fishing is worth any amount of effort and any amount of expenseto people who love it, because in the end you get such a large number of dreams per fish.

How do you stop a fish from smelling? Cut it's nose off

What is the fastest fish in the sea? Go-carp.

What did the mummy sardine say to her children when they saw a submarine? Don't worry, it's only a tin of people.

What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool? Show me your mussels.How do you kiss a pike? Very carefully

What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers? A nervous wreck.

What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk? A pike going on holiday.

Fly-fisherman's wife: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend"

Where do ghosts swim in North America? In Lake Erie.

Don't swim in the sea, A shark just bit off my foot! Which one? I don't know. All sharks look the same to me.

Mummy why can't I go swimming in the sea? Because there are sharks in the sea. But Mummy, Daddy is swimming in the sea. That's different he is insured.

What happened to the fishing boat that sank in piranha fish infested waters? It came back with a skeleton crew.

What whizzes along a riverbed on three wheels? A motor-Pike and a side-Carp.

Where do fish wash? In a river basin

Where do fish keep their money? In the river bank.

What is the best fish on ice? A skate.

Why did the trout cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off.

Where do whales get weighed? At a whaleweigh station.

What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage? A perch

What is the best way to communicate with a fish? Drop it a line

Two fathers and two sons went fishing - how many people were there?Three - get it?

Have you ever thought about the size of the one that got away ? It seems to grow each time you tell the story.

1st Fish: "Look at that idiot up there. He's been sitting on the bank for hours in the pouring rain."2nd Fish: "Yeah must be really stupid. Whats that he's dangling in the water on a very sharp hook. Looks nice and tasty AAAAARGH":

What do you say to a guy with his lure in the seaweed? Your fly's down!

Why don't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

How can you tell when a fishermen is lying?Watch his mouth real close if it moves his lying.

When I was much younger, I remember landing a really nice Red Drum. When I was getting off the boat a man asked me where did you catch that fish ? I replied and gestured from right here in the mouth.

Why did the shark cross the road? To get to the other side

Why did the bass cross the road? because it was the sharks day offWhat is half fish and half zebra? A striped bass

What is part captain hook and part fish? A codfish

If you put together a baby seal and a red headed girl what do you get? The little mermaid

Sid and I went fishing one day when Sid tied into a really big bass.

After about a half hour battle, Sid was not gaining any line. He looked at me and said "I think it is snagged."

Being a diver I stripped to my shorts and dove over the side of the boat to try and free the fish. As I came up after my dive I said "That fish is caught in the steering wheel of a 1934 Plymouth that is at the bottom of the lake."

Sid asked if I could get it out so I went down again. I came back up for air and said "You might as well break the line; we will never get that fish."

Sid asked "Why not?" I replied "Every time I reach in the window to untangle that fish it goes and rolls the window up.

A fly fisherman walked into a pub. "Did you catch much today?" enquired the barman. "A hundred or two," replied the trout fisherman looking very satisfied with himself. "A hundred or two! Never in a million years." exclaimed the barman. "I'll bet you a fiver that you didn't." "Done," said the angler. They both place their money on the bar. "Now show me your catch," ordered the barman. The fisherman put his hand into his fishing bag and placed two trout on the bar. "I told you I caught a hundred or two and it defiantly wasn't a hundred. I didn't say one hundred AND two" he took the money.

We do not worry about eating fish from polluted waters.

We go fishing on a cold day, take the fish home and hang them by the head from a clothesline, let the mercury drop to the tail, cut off the tail, and eat the rest of the fish.

Bill, Fred, and John were out fishing. Suddenly Bill cought a huge fish that pulled him off the boat and into the water. Fred dived off the boat and came up a few minutes later with Bill. John did mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and commented, "I don't remember Bill having such bad breath!" Fred looked at Bill and said, "I don't remember Bill wearing a snowmobile suit, either!"

Where do you find most of the fish ? Between the head & the tail

What do you get when you cross a coho, walleye and a muskie? A Cowallske

What is the definition of a 'Fisherman's Thumb'? A temporary hook holder

What is the definition of a 'Fisherman's Knot'? The insecure connection between your fly hook and your fishing line

What is the definition of a 'live bait'? The biggest fish you will handle all day

What is the definition of a 'Treble Hook'?

A hook that trebles the odds of you catching a fish but quadruples the odds of you getting it caught in your thumb

What is the definition of an 'Angler'? An obsessive individual who owns a house that is falling down due to neglect

A fisherman's wife was sitting on the bank of a river when along came the ranger came along and said "Excuse me madam but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where he is?" She replied, pointing to a

clump of reeds. "Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends."

A Fisherman goes into the Fishmongers and buys six trout.

The fishmonger asks "Do you want them wrapped sir?"

The Fisherman replies "No thank you. Could you do me a favour though. Could you throw them to me gently one by one."

"Yes sir I can but why?" he enquired. "Well" explained the fisherman. "I have been fishing all night and all day. I haven't caught anything.

If you throw me those trout and I catch them I can honestly say when I get home that I caught six trout."

"How was the fishing today Adrian?" asked his friend Stan back at the marina. "Not very good I only got fifty bites; one small fish and forty nine mosquitoes"

There are two kinds of fly fishermen. Those that fish for sport and those that catch something.

What does "I'm going fishing" really mean?To some it is, I'm going to drink myself silly, get sun burnt and stand by a river with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

WANTEDWoman who can cook, clean, wash and make sweet love.

Must have own boat.If interested, send a photo of the boat to..........

One day a young man is driving by a river and notices a fisherman with only one arm. He stops to watch and is amazed how agile he is at casting and catching fish. He decides to walk down to the river and tell him how much he admires his agility. As he approaches the man, he suddenly hooks a huge fish. The fisherman sticks his rod in his mouth and continues to battle the monster. The young man quickly grabs the fishermans net and tries to scoop the huge fish out of the river. About this time the monster breaks his line and swims away. The young man appologizes and asks the fisherman if he saw how big the fish was. The fisherman holds up his one arm and promptly answers, it was about this big!

WADINGWading, the most common means through which a dry fly-fisherman is transformed into a wet fly-fisherman.

CANOE Long, narrow, sharp-ended boat in which the typical lake fisherman passes through the most dramatic portion of the metamorphosis that began with his emergence from his cocoon like sleeping bag at dawn.

At first huddling in the unfamiliar craft as he adjusts to his new environment, he rises unsteadily to his feet, extends his fishing rod, and then goes into a brief flying phase, followed by a long aquatic or swimming stage.

The first mate turns to the skipper and asks, do you think we'll catch any fish today?The skipper replies, Cod willing.

Two anglers from Lofotener were being swept rapidly out to sea, clinging to the keel of their upturned boat, faces lashed by hail and sleet, bodies soaked by spray and icy waves. Gunnar yelled to Leif "Turned out to be a rotten day, didn't it!" Leif considered this point for a few seconds, then yelled back "Ja! Gunnar. Good job we decided not to go mountaineering!"

A Swedish couple on a fishing holiday in Norway had a row when they were fishing a mountain tarn. Astrid stormed off back to the hotel but when Sven hadn't returned many hours later she became worried and eventually alerted the local amateur mountain rescue team. As Astrid was being comforted in the hotel, Sven strolled back in the dusk after a fine evening's fishing, dumped his rod in his car then saw all of the mountaineers preparing to leave from the hotel car park. Asking what the fuss was about, he was told that someone was lost in the mountains. "I'm all geared-up for the hills" he replied "I'll give you a hand!". And spent the rest of the night searching for himself.

A Scot, a Swede and a Norwegian fishing a Scottish loch were being eaten alive by midges. "You may think that this is bad" said the Scot "but sometimes they are so dense that they completely obscure your car windscreen." Not to be outdone, the Swede replied with "In arctic Sweden the mosquitoes are so big that our low-flying fighter aircraft have grilles over their air-intakes to prevent them from being clogged by the insects." Determined to keep up his national pride, the Norwegian thought for a few seconds then responded with "Ah, but in arctic Norway the mosquitoes are so big that they have grilles over their air intakes to prevent them from being clogged by low-flying aircraft."

The Reverend McDreep encountered one of his parishioners returning from a days fishing and engaged him in unsolicited conversation. "Ah Lachlan" he began in his best preaching tone "You are a fine fisherman, but I am a fisher of men" Lachlan, determined to get home for his tea, replied "Aye, I was passing your kirk (church) last Sunday and looked in the window, but you hadn't caught many."

The gods do not deduct from man's allotted span the hours spent in fishing. ~Babylonian Proverb

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi were out for a day of fishing. After getting into the boat they had just pulled away from the dock when the rabbi said stop the boat I forgot the coffee, the pastor who was driving the boat said I will turn around and take you back to the dock and the rabbi said oh no need I will be right back. The rabbi quickly jumped out of the boat and ran across the water to shore and then to his car to fetch the coffee and then ran back across the water and got back in the boat. Well the pastor not wanting to be shown up by the rabbi said oh my I forgot the sandwiches and quickly jumped out of the boat to attempt running across the water like the rabbi but instead sank quickly to the bottom of the lake. With that the priest looked angrily at the rabbi and said you should have shown him where the rocks were.

"Waiter! There is a fly in my soup!"The waiter comes over and picks the fly out of the soup, then carefully looks it over. He calmly says to the diner, "Sir, your fly is a size 14 iron blue dun. May I recommend it with the broiled rainbow trout?" Bon-Appetite.

A Fishermans Philosophy

A sure way to get a bite on a slow day is:-

Talk about changing spotsPrepare another rod while one is outLay your rod down unsecuredGo for a sandwichStart to pull the boat anchorUse the worst fly you ownCrack open your first beerCrack open your last beerTake notice of the chick on a passing boat, bank or beachWatch others fishingStart reeling in your lines at going home timeGive your fishing rod to a female companion or child to holdWhen your landing net is out of reachWhen you have cast your line over an obstructionWhen you line has drifted into impossible weedsWhen you turn to look at the sunrise or sunsetDecide that you need to take a leak

Bad Fishing Philosophy

To save embarrassment you call a fish that just makes legal size "Good eating kind!""The fact that I went fishing is reward enough."

Effective February 1st, the California Highway Patrol and the CaliforniaDepartment of Fish and Game will be merged to form the new CaliforniaDepartment of Fish and CHiPs.

Directory of Fishing Phrases and Meanings

Catch and Release: A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook: A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line: Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel: A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod: An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box: A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Testo: The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.

A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish

An older man and his young friend had a wonderful day's fishing. As they made their way home the older man said: "It's been a great day." "It sure has." "Will we go again tomorrow?" "Well, I was going to get married but I think I can put it off."

Bloody FlukeAll along the pier there were fishermen hauling in fish. Among them was a young schoolboy fishing with a bent pin and a ball of string. Beside him was a fish weighing over 10 kilos. His mate came down to the pier and asked him about his catch:"What kind offish is it, Mike?""I don't know, but that fellow over there told me it was a bloody fluke."

Stuffed HusbandThe women at the bridge party were all admiring a huge stuffed shark mounted over the mantelpiece. Their hostess smiled proudly: "My husband and I caught that on a deep-sea fishing trip." "What's its stuffed with?" "My husband."

Two men were preparing to go out for a day's fishing on the bay. While one of them got the boat ready, the other went to his friend's house to pick up the bait that had been left on the veranda.

While he was there he saw a man in bed with his friend's wife. Back at the boat he announced that he had some bad news, and said what he had seen. His friend took it calmly:

"Gee you had me worried then. I was afraid you were going to say you'd lost the bait"

The local angling club was having its annual dinner and presentation of trophies. When the members arrived they were surprised to see all the chairs spaced out two metres apart. One of them said to the caterer:"That's a strange way to arrange seats for a party."

"We always do it like that so that members can do full justice to their fish stories."

Fishing is the sport of drowning worms. ~Author Unknown

[T]his planet is covered with sordid men who demand that he who spends time fishing shall show returns in fish. ~Leonidas Hubbard, Jr.

Walter F. Mondale : Do you want to tear your life apart and get rid of everything you've known as a lifestyle? Like seeing your family? Being with your friends? A fishing trip? A hunting trip? A night's sleep?

Dave Barry : Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope. ~John Buchan

Bobby Jindal : The shell fishing industry represents a major part of Louisiana's economy.

Tom Felton: There are a couple of carp fishing books I've been reading. I'm very interested in that line of books, because I think they write very well, carp anglers, about the general environment.

Fishing tournaments seem a little like playing tennis with living balls... ~Jim Harrison, Just Before Dark, 1991

Somebody just back of you while you are fishing is as bad as someone looking over your shoulder while you write a letter to your girl. ~Ernest Hemingway

Jose Simon: In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait.

Quotes by the Famous and the Unknown

A bad day of fishing is better than a good day of work. ~Author Unknown

May the holes in your net be no larger than the fish in it. ~Irish Blessing

I fish better with a lit cigar; some people fish better with talent. ~Nick Lyons, Bright Rivers, 1977

All the romance of trout fishing exists in the mind of the angler and is in no way shared by the fish. ~Harold F. Blaisdell, The Philosophical Fisherman, 1969

There is certainly something in angling that tends to produce a serenity of the mind. ~Washington Irving

It has always been my private conviction that any man who pits his intelligence against a fish and loses has it coming. ~John Steinbeck

Bragging may not bring happiness, but no man having caught a large fish goes home through an alley. ~Author Unknown

Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after. ~Henry David Thoreau

All fishermen are liars; it's an occupational disease with them like housemaid's knee or editor's ulcers. ~Beatrice Cook, Till Fish Do Us Part, 1949

An angler is a man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won't let him do it at home. ~Author Unknown

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. ~Doug Larson

We ask a simple question

And that is all we wish:Are fishermen all liars?Or do only liars fish?~William Sherwood Fox, Silken Lines and Silver Hooks, 1954

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. ~Dave Barry

There he stands, draped in more equipment than a telephone lineman, trying to outwit an organism with a brain no bigger than a breadcrumb, and getting licked in the process. ~Paul O'Neil, 1965

The best way to a fisherman's heart is through his fly. ~Author Unknown

I love fishing. You put that line in the water and you don't know what's on the other end. Your imagination is under there. ~Robert Altman

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend. ~Zenna Schaffer

Fishing is a... discipline in the equality of men - for all men are equal before fish. ~Herbert Hoover

Calling fishing a hobby is like calling brain surgery a job. ~Paul Schullery

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. ~Jack Handey

...of all the liars among mankind, the fisherman is the most trustworthy. ~William Sherwood Fox, Silken Lines and Silver Hooks, 1954

...trout that doesn't think two jumps and several runs ahead of the average fisherman is mighty apt to get fried. ~Beatrice Cook, Till Fish Do Us Part, 1949

Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day. But teach a man how to fish, and he'll be dead of mercury poisoning inside of three years. ~Charles Haas

I am not against golf, since I cannot but suspect it keeps armies of the unworthy from discovering trout... ~Paul O'Neil

Even if you've been fishing for three hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and sunburn, you're still better off than the worm. ~Author Unknown

Three-fourths of the Earth's surface is water, and one-fourth is land. It is quite clear that the good Lord intended us to spend triple the amount of time fishing as taking care of the lawn. ~Chuck Clark

There's no taking trout with dry breeches. ~Miguel de Cervantes

Reading about baseball is a lot more interesting than reading about chess, but you have to wonder: Don't any of these guys ever go fishing? ~Dave Shiflett, quoted in Houston Chronicle, 29 April 1990

There is no greater fan of fly fishing than the worm. ~Patrick F. McManus, Never Sniff a Gift Fish, 1979

People who fish for food, and sport be damned, are called pot-fishermen. The more expert ones are called crack pot-fishermen. All other fishermen are called crackpot fishermen. This is confusing. ~Ed Zern, 1947

Our tradition is that of the first man who sneaked away to the creek when the tribe did not really need fish. ~Roderick Haig-Brown, about modern fishing, A River Never Sleeps, 1946

Even eminent chartered accountants are known, in their capacity as fishermen, blissfully to ignore differences between seven and ten inches, half a pound and two pounds, three fish and a dozen fish. ~William Sherwood Fox, Silken Lines and Silver Hooks, 1954

Fishing is much more than fish. It is the great occasion when we may return to the fine simplicity of our forefathers. ~Herbert Hoover

Good things come to those who bait. ~Author Unknown

"Carpe Diem" does not mean "fish of the day." ~Author Unknown

Gone fishin', be back at dark-thirty! ~Author Unknown

You must lose a fly to catch a trout. ~George Herbert

If you've got short, stubby fingers and wear reading glasses, any relaxation you would normally derive from fly fishing is completely eliminated when you try to tie on a fly. ~Jack Ohman, Fear of Fly Fishing, 1988

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. ~Author Unknown

Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught. ~Author Unknown

My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it. ~Koos Brandt

Scholars have long known that fishing eventually turns men into philosophers. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to buy decent tackle on a philosopher's salary. ~Patrick F. McManus

Bass fishermen watch Monday night football, drink beer, drive pickup trucks and prefer noisy women with big breasts. Trout fishermen watch MacNeil-Lehrer, drink white wine, drive foreign cars with passenger-side air bags and hardly think about women at all. This last characteristic may have something to do with the fact that trout fishermen spend most of the time immersed up to the thighs in ice-cold water. ~Author Unknown

Men and fish are alike. They both get into trouble when they open their mouths. ~Author Unknown

There will be days when the fishing is better than one's most optimistic forecast, others when it is far worse. Either is a gain over just staying home. ~Roderick Haig-Brown, Fisherman's Spring, 1951

There is no greater fan of fly fishing than the worm.Patrick McManus—"Never Sniff a Gift Fish," 1979

My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it.Koos Brandt

There he stands, draped in more equipment than a telephone lineman, trying to outwit an organism with a brain no bigger than a breadcrumb, and getting licked in the process.Paul O'Neil

The two best times to fish is when it's rainin' and when it ain't.Patrick F. McManus

The fishing was good; it was the catching that was bad.A.K. Best

To paraphrase a deceased patriot, I regret that I have only one life to give to my fly-fishing.Robert Traver

Work: a dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishingAmbrose Bierce

The only thing bad about winning the pennant is that you have to manage the All-Star Game the next year. I'd rather go fishing for three years.Whitey Herzog

I once gave up fishing. It was the most terrifying weekend of my life.Anon.

Men and fish are alike. They both get into trouble when they open their mouths.Jimmy D Moore

If fishing is like religion, then flyfishing is high church.Tom Brokaw

I am not against golf, since I cannot but suspect it keeps armies of the unworthy from discovering trout.Paul O'Neil

The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so I could afford to hunt and fish.Sam Snead (Champion Golfer)

Fishing costs like sin but requires heavier clothing.L. C. Clower

Most of the world is covered by water. A fisherman's job is simple: Pick out the best parts.Charles Waterman

If fishing is interfering with your business, give up your business.Alfred W. Miller

Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.Don Marquis

Creeps and idiots cannot conceal themselves for long on a fishing trip.John Gierach

Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught.Anon.

All fishermen are liars except for you and me, and to tell you the truth, I'm not sure about youUnknown

Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.Mark Twain

All fishermen are liars; it's an occupational disease with them like housemaid's knee or editor's ulcers. Beatrice Cook—Till Fish Do Us Part, 1949

Bragging may not bring happiness, but no man having caught a large fish goes home through an alley. Ann Landers

Some men would rather be photographed with their fish than with their wives.Gwen Cooper and Evelyn Haas

Today she met me at the door, said I would have to choose, if I picked up that fishing rod today, she'd be packing all her things and she'd be gone by noon....well I'm gonna miss her when I get home tonight.Brad Paisly

Hell, if I'd jumped on all the dames I'm supposed to have jumped on, I'd have not had time to go fishing.Clark Gable

Fly-fishing is the most fun you can have standing up.Arnold Gingrich

Flyfishing is like sex, everyone thinks there is more than there is, and that everyone is getting more than their share.Henry Kanemoto

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with a fisherman?Woody Allen

Trout fishing. One must be a stickler for proper form. Use nothing but #4 blasting caps, or a hand grenade, if handy, or at a pool well-lined with stone, one blast from a .44 magnum will bring a few stunned brookies quietly to the surface. Edward Abbey

It has always been my private conviction that any man who pits his intelligence against a fish and loses has it coming.John Steinbeck

Returning home after a weekend in the Maine woods, Mark Twain was lounging in the smoking car of the train to Boston. He couldn't resist the temptation to boast to the rustic-looking New Englander seated beside him about the twelve big fish he'd caught.

"The season is closed for fishing now" Mark Twain confided, "but between you and me, my friend, out there in the baggage car I've got two hundred pounds of the best rock bass that you ever laid eyes on." "Waal," drawled the New Englander, "that's interesting, but do you know who I am? I'm the state game warden."

Mark Twain puffed on his cigar. "That's interesting," he said. "But do you know who I am? I'm the damnedest liar in the United States."

Bass fishermen watch Monday Night Football, drink beer, drive pickup trucks and prefer noisy women with big breasts. Trout fishermen watch MacNeil-Lehrer, drink white wine, drive foreign cars with passenger-side air bags and hardly think about women at all. This last characteristic may have something to do with the fact that trout fishermen spend most of the time immersed up to the thighs in ice-cold water.

If people don't occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you're doing something wrong." John Gierach

"Be patient and calm - for no one can catch fish in anger." - Herbert Hoover

"I frankly don't make much of a living, but I make a hell of a life" Jack Gartside

"It is not how abundant nor how considerable our catch be, but rather to the sport, and manner in which our quarry, the noble trout is angled."-J.B. Martin

"Soon after I embraced the sport of angling I became convinced that I should never be able to enjoy it if I had to rely on the cooperation of the fish." Sparse Grey Hackle

"The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so that I could afford to hunt and fish." Sam Snead

"Scholars have long known that fishing eventually turns men into philosophers. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to buy decent tackle on a philosopher's salary" Patrick McManus

"The fish and I were both stunned and disbelieving to find ourselves connected by a line." William Humphrey in "The Armchair Angler"

All I can say to the kids is if you've a problem in fishing or life, if you talk to an older person, you're gonna end up alright, because nine times out of 10, they've been through the same thing. Rex Hunt

All those authors there, most of whom of course I've never met. That's the poetry side, that's the prose side, that's the fishing and miscellaneous behind me. You get an affection for books that you've enjoyed. Norman MacCaig

But very unfortunately the merchant marine died away till even the majority of fishing done about the Cape is in the hands of the Portuguese who emigrated to the Cape some fifty years ago. Joseph C. Lincoln

Fishing is much more than fish. It is the great occasion when we may return to the fine simplicity of our forefathers. Herbert Hoover

Fishing provides that connection with the whole living world. It gives you the opportunity of being totally immersed, turning back into yourself in a good way. A form of meditation, some form of communion with levels of yourself that are deeper than the ordinary self. Ted Hughes

Fishing seems to be the favorite form of loafing. Edgar Watson Howe

From birth to death, anyone can fish. I just think it's fantastic to see old people going fishing with young people and teaching them things. I'm very, very critical. Rex Hunt

Hunting, fishing, drawing, and music occupied my every moment. Cares I knew not, and cared naught about them. John James Audubon

I continue to be a photographer; I have enjoyed fishing and hunting with a close friend; and have owned two ranches, first in northern California and then in the state of Washington. Douglass North

I do fish. I think there is a connection between thinking and fishing mostly because you spend a lot of time up to your waist in water without a whole lot to keep your mind busy. Anthony Doerr

I hate fishing, and I can't imagine why anyone would want to hike when you can get in the car and drive. Joseph Barbera

I have laid aside business, and gone a'fishing. Izaak Walton

I like to fish. Fishing is always a way of relaxing. Tom Felton

I love talk and I love fishing. I'm having a ball. Martin Milner

I only make movies to finance my fishing'. Lee Marvin

I ran around with the other youngsters, hunting, fishing and raising tadpoles and all the rest. DeForest Kelley

I think it's time for me to get out, because at the moment I'm only thinking about fishing 21 hours a day, and they're the waking moments. And even when I close my eyes I'm thinking about it. Rex Hunt

I was a Scout years ago, before the movement started, when my father took me fishing, camping and hunting. Then I was sorry that more girls could not have what I had. When I learned of the movement, I thought, here is what I always wanted other girls to have. Lou Henry Hoover

I'm fishing for men with a certain kind of bait, and the bait that I am offering is not a candy; it's a very specific thing that I'm offering, which is a deep gospel and a deep conversion. Larry Norman

I've had some amazing people in my life. Look at my father - he came from a small fishing village of five hundred people and at six foot four with giant ears and a kind of very odd expression, thought he could be a movie star. So go figure, you know? Kiefer Sutherland

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. Doug Larson

If you want to maintain a sustainable supply of fish you have to farm the fish, rather than mine them. So putting your money into fishing fleets that are going to exacerbate the problem by over-fishing is not the way to preserve the underlying asset. Maurice Strong

It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people

who can't fish. Stephen Leacock

It's a little like casting out hundreds of fishing lines into the audience. You start getting little bites, then more, then you hook a few, then more. Then you can start reeling them in and that's a loveliest feeling - the whole audience laughing with you. Jim Dale

Long after this wonderful event in the Earth's history, when the human species was spread over a good deal of Asia, Europe, and Africa, migration to the American continents began in attempts to find new feeding grounds and unoccupied areas for hunting and fishing. Harry Johnston

Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after. Henry David Thoreau

Maoris now own over half the commercial fishing industry in New Zealand. Malcolm Fraser

Millions of Americans each year use our national forests to go hiking, fishing, hunting, camping, swimming, horseback riding, and canoeing. Ric Keller

Monofilament is what you use to go fishing. The line on your fishing rod is probably going to be black. You get to the end of the line and you tie on this clear plastic, thin thread called monofilament. John Badham

My friend Ed Begley goes fishing. It's a little smelly to me, I don't like it so much. I like to eat fish, but I don't like to catch them. Jeff Goldblum

One fifth of human kind depend on fish to live. Today now 70 percent of the fish stock are over-exploited. According to FAO if we don't change our system of fishing the main sea resources will be gone in 2050. We don't want to believe what we know. Yann Arthus-Bertrand

One guy that I wish was here right now, Ted Williams, helped me so much, our long talks, not about hitting but about fishing, one of Ted's passions, and I wish he was here today to share this with me because I owe so much to Ted Williams. Wade Boggs

One of the cries from the people was, don't forget us. They have a long road ahead of them. Operation Blessing has found those little fishing towns. They will not be getting what other towns are getting from the government. Connie Sellecca

She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again. Charles Maurice de Talleyrand

Somebody just back of you while you are fishing is as bad as someone looking over your shoulder while you write a letter to your girl. Ernest Hemingway

Sport is a wonderful metaphor for life. Of all the sports that I played - skiing, baseball, fishing - there is no greater example than golf, because you're playing against yourself and nature. Robert Redford

The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope. John Buchan

The English countryside is the most staggeringly beautiful place. I can't spend as much time there as I like, but I like everything about it. I like fishing, I like clay- pigeon shooting. Guy Ritchie

The only thing bad about winning the pennant is that you have to manage the All-Star Game the next year. I'd rather go fishing for three years. Whitey Herzog

There are only two occasions when Americans respect privacy, especially in Presidents. Those are prayer and fishing. Herbert Hoover

We have seen Indians in immense numbers, and all those on this coast of the Pacific contrive to make a good subsistence on various seeds, and by fishing. Junipero Serra

Well, I love fishing. I wouldn't kill a fly myself but I've no hesitation in killing a fish. A lot of men are like that. No bother. Out you come. Thump. And that's not the only reason. Norman MacCaig

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. Mitch Hedberg

Acknowledgments

Many thanks to all the friends and fishing buddies around the world who are too many to name for their joke donations, clip art etc.