A Special Report by Billy Fresher

Uni’s great isn’t it?!? I’m loving halls. Finally got shot of my stinkin’ mum. Haha! Fuck o! mum! Only joking. I love her to bits. Can’t wait to take my laundry home! What she’s there for eh though? S’alright this freshers fair eh?

"e best thing so far is all these bloody free pens. "ey’re sick! Lov-ing the atheist society guys handing

out those free condoms with holes pricked through them – take that Catholics! Benedictus qui venit amirite?! Just queued up twice for pizza but the second time I put a di!erent jumper on with a di!erent pattern on it and they didn’t even notice that I got two slices! Love uni life!

Tonight my #atmates are going to this proper London nightclub called "e Roxy and they managed

to get hold of some #yers so they can get in cheap how cool is that!? We’re having “prinks” at my halls with the crew – we’re like a family, I’m the drunk one lol! "ey call me Mali-bu for a laugh because I’ve bought some of that stu! from Tesco’s that tastes like Malibu but isn’t.

Before that I’m going to the Pi magazine, est. 1947, “welcome meeting” cos I really like their – [fuck o! Billy – Ed.]

A message from the Provost:

“Welcome to the Nine Circles of Student Experience”

Freshers’ Issue 2015 cheesegratermagazine.org

2 Freshers 2015 The Cheese Grater

"e Sportsnite bottom-feeders at UCLU Lacrosse are notoriously unloved – having su!ered

the indignity of being christened “stick waving maggots” by the urbane wags at Men’s Football last year. Now the club has turned to Tinder to $nd new recruits, and presumably some Net#ix and chill a%er training. Soc Bitch won’t be joining any time soon though – she always swipes le% on group pics.

A%er failing to convince the Union to abolish its dedicated sabbatical o&cers for women and minority ethnic students as a cost-cutting measure, Soc Bitch hears that the sports societies have found another noble cause to rally behind: making sure they have enough bins to vomit into. "e voracious boozehounds have apparently complained that Phineas – unlike their counterparts serving the Medics’ teams over at the Huntley – won’t provide puke points on Wednesdays. Don’t they just make the freshers eat it anyway?

Soc Bitch has learnt that a group of students turned amateur sleuths are trying to discover her true identity. So far they’ve narrowed everyone’s favourite gossip columnist down to a member of both Musical "eatre and Drama societies. Good e!ort, guys, but you forgot Dance – this hack’s a triple threat.

PK Maguire & Bo Franklin

Unaccommodating Col-lege London

UCL’s mix of Eastern Bloc and IKEA showroom accommodation still represents terrible value for money. "e average fresher at UCL can expect to pay £176 a week for their room – with those living the dream in a single at Ramsay rinsed of £210. Halls have risen in price by 55% over the past 6 years. Justi$able for luxury living, maybe, but disruptive building works at anti-social hours throughout exam period is hardly the Ritz. Residents at Hawkridge House and Kentish Town and Camp-bell House in Bloomsbury – blighted by the refurbishment of the Bartlett – went on rent strike (see CG 48) and, a%er be-ing threatened with deregistration, were eventually o!ered a barbeque by way of compensation.

"e ongoing dispute is the latest in a string of hellish housing incidents, such as an infestation of cockroaches in Max Rayne and Ifor Evans halls so bad the Evening Standard found half a page for the harrowing details. Resi-dences’ empathy and tact was on show when students tried to complain: they responded with threats to make them pay to get rid of the critters.

Such stingy behaviour is di&cult to justify – according to UCL Defend Ed-ucation, the university is due to make a £16m surplus from accommodation costs this year, its highest ever.

It’ll Be All White On The Night

As fresh-faced prospective freshers made their way round campus for July’s open day, hundreds of protesters tried their best to disrupt UCL’s big propaganda push. Members of the Why is My Curriculum White? campaign ‘whited up’ in an attempt to expose the

inherent racism they see at the heart of academia.

"is came a%er the research contract of a black academic – Nathaniel Adam Tobias Coleman – wasn’t renewed, and a proposed masters on the philosophy of race was scrapped. Activists from Fossil Free UCL and UCL Cut the Rent were also demonstrating, although most of the day’s activities went o! without a hitch.

Feminisn’t

Having come under $re for responding to an allegation of sexual assault made by a female student against a sta! member last year with the “apeshit” threat of legal action (see CG 46), in June management seized the opportunity to be on the right side of the struggle against the patriarchy – forcing out Nobel laureate Tim Hunt from his honorary professorship a%er a high-pro$le row over a sexist joke. A foolproof idea... had one of UCL’s own misogynistic wheezes not been exposed soon a%er.

Although Bentham’s leathery nog-gin might as well be tattooed with “WE LET WOMEN IN FIRST AL-RIGHT”, the egalitarian institution he envisioned is happy to forget about them when it comes to making a quick buck from shady regimes (see CG 40). "e director of its much-maligned Qa-tar campus has admitted that discrimi-natory pay arrangements treat “[female] employees materially di!erent depend-ing on their gender” to the tune of al-most £3,000 – a breach of equal oppor-tunities legislation – with sta! having lodged fruitless complaints as far back as January 2014, to no avail. As Tim might say: “Let me tell you about the trouble with girls. UCL hates them.”

Bloomsbury Shitness

Fan of comedians who had a show on

Welcome to UCL, Here’s What’s

Not in the Prospectus.

Radio 4 $%een years ago? Want to perform in a West End theatre to an audience of twelve? If your answer to either of these questions is yes, then we’re afraid it’s bad news. In keeping with its policy of denying students any space do anything, UCL has closed the asbestos-ridden Bloomsbury "eatre until next summer – de-spite promises doors would only shut in Janu-ary. Don’t be surprised if it reopens as the 600-seat cafe we’ve all been waiting for.

Society

Bitch

Contributors: Maddy Comber, Bo Franklin, Charlie Hayton, Rosie Halsall, P.K. Maguire, Jess Murray and Anna Saunders.

The Cheese Grater Freshers 2015 3

John E. Marre

Morrissey’s universally panned novel is still a great deal better than that manuscript you wrote about that girl you’ve fancied since you were 14, every Guardian writer you admire has said.

"e treacle-voiced Mancunian, 56, re-

leased his debut e!ort List of the Lost late last month, to widespread ridicule. Even though reaction to the 120-page book has been overwhelmingly negative, the erst-while Smiths frontman is thought to be taking comfort from the fact that his inco-herent typo-strewn romp is, according to Owen Jones, “ten times the work of art your #at-footed attempt at a bildungsroman will ever be.”

It has since emerged that several of the Guardian columnists whose articles you keep sharing on Facebook – despite your old art teacher from secondary school who used to sweat a lot and disappeared mysteri-ously halfway through year nine, and whose

musty annex building you now know stank of box wine and skunk, being the only per-son to ever like them – also think that you will never amount to anything.

When presented with really good bit with all the rich metaphor that sees the character you blatantly wrote as an ideal-ised version of yourself $nally get with the girl whose Facebook page is your most vis-ited site on Chrome, George Monbiot said: “What the fuck is this dreary shite? I would love to chin you mate. And yeah, before you ask, this is the real George Monbiot. You thought I was going to dignify that ream of sub-Tumblr cliché by phoning in one of my columns with the big words that looks clev-er but really means nothing in particular? You can fuck o! mate, seriously. "e girl doesn’t even sound $t.  I’ll buy you a Sun+ membership if it means you never read any of my work again.”

In a further blow to your dreams of

amounting to anything more than your miserable Tory-voting parents have, Polly

Toynbee, who had initially remained conspicuously silent amid the growing backlash, wrote on Comment is Free: “"is is wank, tbhwy”.

Passages from Morrissey’s novel – wide-ly circulated on social media – have led to speculation that List of the Lost will emerge victorious in the Literary Review’s 2015 Bad Sex Awards. "e panel have since con$rmed that “you can’t win, you’re a virgin.”

William, Your Shit Prose Was Really Nothing.

Sorry To Break It To You.

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UCL UNION CHEESE GRATER MAGAZINE SOCIETYPresident—Jess Murray president@cheesegratermagazine.org

Editor—Bo Franklin editor@cheesegratermagazine.org

Investigations Editor—P.K. Maguire investigations@cheesegratermagazine.org

Humour Editor—Maddy Comber humour@cheesegratermagazine.org

© UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AY. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.

Ms. AnthropyI cannot live with myself a moment

more. My life is a farce – I am a charlatan; a sham; a phony. I am the bloated rat that steals the eyes of your sleeping child. I vend vivacity; I wheeler deal what I call the realest deal; but it is false. I spin an elaborate web of silken lies. I blind myself to the su!ering I cause - like the operator of an unmanned drone, I am divorced from the residuum of my actions.

I am setter of traps; regretful poacher. I am club promoter. “Last 50 tickets!!!!” I posted at 11:52 on the 2nd October;

at 11:53 I wept. Tickets abound – my clutch bag over#ows with them; they dribble to the #oor like the ejaculations of clumsy, inebriated youths. I coax you out from your damp, but fundamentally warm, bedroom. I steal your soul for a pound commission. Stay in! Drink cocoa and replenish the state of your liver. Watch RuPaul’s Drag Race with your #atmates; bond while pondering how to view it through an intersectional feminist lens.

Nobody is going to care if you’re not at Koko, or Piccadilly Institute, or whatever desolate pheromone soaked

catacomb I’m enticing you into. Cheap drinks! But what is the price? Top DJs! But aren’t they all wankers really? I implore you to ignore me. Save me the torment of success.

BEST CLUB NIGHT IN LONDON! Yeah right.

FREE SHOTS FOR EVERYONE! Watered down pal.

"ere will be nothing. Nothing.

Come down on "ursday night though yeah, should be a good night!

F*ck You It’s Freshers.Msg 4 Guestlist.

4 Freshers 2015 The Cheese Grater